Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 06 May 24 - 09:20 AM Early bird gets the worm, ...... It's the early worm that gets caught. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 06 May 24 - 05:52 AM A cowboy, a stranger in town, strode into the saloon and ordered a beer. But the locals had a habit of always playing tricks on strangers, and when he eventually went to leave his horse had disappeared. He strode back into the saloon, ordered another beer then took the gun from his holster and shot a hole in the ceiling. "OK," he shouted threateningly, "This happened in Texas too, and unless ma hoss is back out there by the time I finish this beer I'm a-gonna do what I done in Texas, and I really don't wanna be doing what I done in Texas..." The terrified locals scurried out and quickly replaced his horse. As he left the saloon, the trembling bartender followed him out and asked him what he'd done in Texas. "I walked home..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 May 24 - 07:09 AM A little lad came home from his fishing trip. He says to his Mum, "Look, Mum, I've got some dam fish!" His mother says, "Don't you talk like that please! That's not very nice!" The little boy says, "But Mum, I call them the dam fish because I caught them when I was fishing near the dam!" "In that case," she says, "I'll cook them and we'll have them for tea." So at teatime the family are all sitting around the table and Dad says to the lad, "Please pass the dam fish, m'boy." The lad says, "Sure, here you are, Dad. Now please pass me the fucking potatoes..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 04 May 24 - 07:05 AM When I was very young I told people I wanted to be a comedian....they all laughed at me.. WELL I AM ONE and they're not laughing now!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 03 May 24 - 02:04 PM Three nuns are out for a walk and the first nun says, “You won't believe this but I found a copy of Playboy in the priest’s room?” “What did you do with it?” asks the second nun. “I tore it up, of course.” “That’s nothing,” says the second nun. “I found condoms in his room.” “What did you do with them?" asks the first nun. The second nun responds, "I poked holes in all of them." “Oh f*ck,” says the third nun. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 May 24 - 06:23 PM 2 punk rockers making love to music "Is that Johnny Rotten?" "I hope not, I've only used it 5 times...^ |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 02 May 24 - 06:12 PM Another condom joke... A condom manufacturer in Texas gets an order from Alaska soon after it became a state. They requested gross of condoms at least 9" long. The president of the company was asked what to do. "Fill it," he said, "but mark it 'medium'." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 May 24 - 11:05 AM Spot on gillymor. When you think about it, all jokes are just variations on a few themes anyway. The setting or telling may be original but I doubt if the underlying theme is. Most people still find them funny even if they know what is coming. Don is the exception of course. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 02 May 24 - 08:48 AM To me this thread is simply a place to exchange jokes and give others a laugh. The origin of those jokes is of no matter but if you're going to post an original make damn sure it's funny. No points for originality, something is either funny or it ain't so maybe you ought give your efforts a few read overs before you hit the submit button, Don. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 May 24 - 08:36 AM The purpose of a joke is not to make you funny but to make other people laugh. I think I have spotted where you are going wrong, Don. You are trying to be funny rather than trying to make people laugh. Eventually you may catch on but I doubt it. Who wrote the joke is irrelevent. It is whether others find the joke itself is funny is what matters. And, to a certain extent, the telling of it. I say, I say, I say. What make good comedy? I don't know wha.. Timing! A priest, a rabbit and an imam walked into a bar. The barman asked the rabbit what he wanted to drink. "Dunno," came the reply. "I'm only here because of autocorrect..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 01 May 24 - 02:06 PM Polestar has developed a completely computerized car from its design manufacture and operation. They just can't seem to install Windows. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 May 24 - 05:54 AM Psychic conference cancelled due to unforseen circumstances... The teacher was telling her class about Jesus. She went round the room and asked her charges where they thought Jesus was today. Little Mary said, "He's in my heart." Little Peter said, "He's in heaven." Little Billy said, "He's in our bathroom." "In your bathroom? Good heavens, Billy, what makes you think that Jesus is in your bathroom?" "Well, Miss, every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 29 Apr 24 - 08:06 PM The psychic contortionist saw her own end. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 29 Apr 24 - 12:59 PM When Viagra first hit the market, I decided to find out if it would be good for me. I went to the pharmacist, a lovely blndee lady who told me all I needed to know about it.......I asked her 'Can I get it over the counter'? She replied 'You might if you take two' |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Apr 24 - 11:44 AM Bloke asks his mate for advice on how to chat to the ladies "Just see a girl you like, wait for the right opportunity, say hello, compliment her on something and then just chat to her normally. Easy." OK, the lad thinks and the next day he sees a young woman he really likes coming out of the bathroom. "Hello", he says to her "Hi" she replies "That is a really pretty dress you are wearing" "Oh, thank you" "Been for a shit then?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:34 AM Reminds me of the fellow who went to a bar and beheld the loveliest woman he'd ever seen serving him drinks. He tried every pickup line he could think of to entice her to go out with him and the comely barmaid ignored every one of them. Finally, in desperation, he dropped trou and said "What do you think of that?" to which she replied "That looks like a penis, only smaller." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:18 AM Thanks for the reminder, Doug .... of a problem I remember NASA having with the devices fitted to each astronaut's penis for purposes of urination, which for tolerably obvious reasons had to be a tight, but not over-tight, fit. These devices were produced in Small, Medium and Large sizes; to save the astronauts' blushes, they were relabelled (respectively) Large, Extra-Large and Enormous. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 29 Apr 24 - 05:32 AM A young lady had started working at a pharmacy and, after the first month, was given a performance review. Her boss was very happy with her work in general but was particularly impressed with the high turnover of condoms she had achieved, compared to the other employees. He asked her the secret of her success. "They come in packs of 3, 12 or 60" she explained. "If someone comes in for condoms, I ask them if they want small, medium or large and they always say large so I sell them a pack of 60". DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Apr 24 - 09:29 AM Bloke calls round on his best mate, to find him in a state of doom and gloom. "Hey, what's up, mate?" "The missus told me she was going to the shop for a pint of milk. Ten minutes later she sent me a text saying she'd been having an affair and was never coming back!" "Jaysus, mate, that's terrible! How are you going to cope!" "I'm just going to have to use the powdered stuff..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 26 Apr 24 - 10:23 AM Going for the treble... I told my mate that I have a pet termite called Clint. "That's a strange name for a termite," he said. "How come?" "His full name is Clint Eatswood..." And a literal sick joke: Two piles of vomit were walking down the road when one of them burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked his mate. "You see that derelict old pub across the road? That's where I was brought up..." And finally: I asked the counter clerk at the motel if I could have porn disabled in my room. "Certainly not! We only do normal porn here, you sick bastard!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: BobL Date: 26 Apr 24 - 03:07 AM Make America Grate Again |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 25 Apr 24 - 11:35 AM Patient (to his doctor during a prostate exam): How's it look back there, Doc? Doctor: Well, you seem to have a lettuce leaf protruding from your posterior. Patient: Is that serious? Doctor: It's just the tip of the iceberg. Possible Trump slogan for 2024: MAGA- Make America Gag Again |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Raggytash Date: 23 Apr 24 - 09:50 AM I wanted to post a joke about sodium but then I thought Na people won't understand it. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Apr 24 - 03:01 PM Goodnight and may your god go with you :-) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:19 PM Oops! I'm not supposed to be taking part in this thread anymore, am I? That didn't last long. Dave Allen was one of my favourite comedians, especially when talking about religion. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:13 PM Now Dave Allen mentioned above made some great sketches...but for me...none better than this one about the End of the World.. https://youtu.be/VjuROfmNDGQ?si=dcVfa4ju1WF2twom |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Apr 24 - 01:32 PM 300! Bit of a Spartan joke... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 22 Apr 24 - 01:04 PM Yeah, I was thinking Dave Allen's routine had a similar structure to bits that Newhart, Sid Caesar, Jackie Mason and the like were doing back in the 50's and early 60's. I imagine that style originated in Vaudeville. I thought that bit was hilarious, DA had a show that used to appear on my local PBS affiliate back in the 80's, also very funny. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 22 Apr 24 - 12:37 PM I wonder what our American cousins will make of it. I would have thought that it was very much their cup of tea (or cup of coffee, if you prefer). I'm thinking of routines such as Bob Newhart's 'Driving Instructor'. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Apr 24 - 12:31 PM Wait, is Steve Shaw gone, or is that a different joke? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Apr 24 - 08:53 AM He was a genious :-) Have you seen "Dave Allen at peace" with Aiden Gillan in the staring role? It is very good. There are a few US comedies and comedians that I find funny but, generally, I struggle with some of the US humour too. I think it may be a cultural thing. In the restaurant I asked the waitress for a lobster tail. "Certainly, sir," she replied. "Once upon a time there was this very handsome lobster..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Raggytash Date: 22 Apr 24 - 08:01 AM I am always bemused by the way that humour does not seem (for the most part) to cross the Atlantic. An example of, to me, superb humour can be found in the attached Dave Allen sketch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVPUIRGthI I wonder what our American cousins will make of it. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 22 Apr 24 - 05:40 AM I remember the first time I told my wife that I loved her. We were in a bar at happy hour knocking back 2 for 1 gin and tonics when I laid it on her. She wrote it off with, "Oh, gilly, you're drunk." I assured her, "It's not just the booze talking. It's also the pot, the coke and the Xanax." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Apr 24 - 06:13 PM If they need explaining, they are not jokes! My psychiatrist told me that write letters to those I hate and then set fire to them. It did make me feel better but what should I do with all those letters? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Joe_F Date: 21 Apr 24 - 05:45 PM I think it is interesting (rather than infuriating) that there is a person who does not understand what a joke is. Are there others? Is there a literature on the subject? What *is* a joke? Perhaps Freud can help. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Apr 24 - 03:22 PM A very rich man was going through his finances, and he said to his wife, "You know, dear, if only you knew how to cook we could sack the chef." "Well," she replied, "if only you knew how to screw we could sack the chauffeur." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 21 Apr 24 - 05:51 AM "Droppings" was the operative word there, Don, but kudos for actually telling a joke in a joke thread. Until I met my wife I felt incomplete. Now I'm finished. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 21 Apr 24 - 03:13 AM Humour often doesn't travel very well. I've found I need to test jokes aloud, as they often don't survive the journey from my brain to my vocal chords. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:21 PM At least the last but was an attempt at a joke but WTF was the rest of that shite? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 20 Apr 24 - 04:06 PM Talk about verse? Yes stories are best compared to comedians who recite 20 jokes and their set is done. Observational humor works well over here. I don't have fellow writers to bounce ideas back and forth but I HAVE SOME INTERESTING BRAIN DROPPINGS every year or two. I live the embarrassment of Larry David without presenting it as entertainment or art. He gets good help though. A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 20 Apr 24 - 12:23 PM We are probably better having that conversation by PM gillymor but I didn't want to just drop a message on you out of the blue. If you want to continue the Steve discussion feel free to drop me a note or we can just agree to disagree now:-) Meanwhile, from the late, great Tommy Cooper I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.” |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 20 Apr 24 - 06:33 AM btw, Don, your trite observations are the comedic equivalent of WAV's "poetry". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:35 AM I can't say I follow your reasoning, Dave. Besides, any resistance to Don's rambling nonsense seems to be futile and just encourages him to continue his trollery because he knows it's having it's desired effect. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 19 Apr 24 - 10:38 PM Someday you will die is not entirely true. You stand an equal chance it might be night. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerm nvcsw unedited text by my cat Laughter is the best medicine but it's not covered in Senofou's health plan. (the poor dear is waiting for treatment for gall stones) Many of you are deliberately putting your health at risk by being over 65 and not taking the newest fad medicine, or by taking them all. My tax return was deemed suspicious for spending less than I earned. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 19 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM MAYBE this world is another planet's hell. I think not if we have the truth to tell. Whenever I hear a preverbal baby laughing It's hilarious, mysterious, and catching. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Apr 24 - 05:39 PM Maybe that last post explains my actions better than ever I could. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Donuel Date: 19 Apr 24 - 04:25 PM My jokes are like fine wine but Dave's jokes age like milk. Even my exaggerations are better and don't use the word s**t like Dave. Ghost posts from his brother from another mother age like artificial creamer. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Apr 24 - 03:38 PM I fully understand your point, gillymor. Do you appreciate why I am posting Steve's jokes on his behalf while Don continues posting his shite with apparent impunity? And I do post my own favourite jokes too I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 19 Apr 24 - 01:52 PM Yes, Dave,this is the B.S. section and posting here is restricted to members. You've been posting for an abusive former member. Wether that is counter to the M.C. rules I don't know. I just find it creepy, as I said earlier. I hope that's clear enough and that we can get back to the jokes and whatever it is that Don does (well, maybe not that last part). |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Apr 24 - 12:21 PM Gillymor - This IS the BS section! |