BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 08:06 PM

The psychic contortionist saw her own end.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 12:59 PM

When Viagra first hit the market, I decided to find out if it would be good for me. I went to the pharmacist, a lovely blndee lady who told me all I needed to know about it.......I asked her 'Can I get it over the counter'? She replied 'You might if you take two'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 11:44 AM

Bloke asks his mate for advice on how to chat to the ladies

"Just see a girl you like, wait for the right opportunity, say hello, compliment her on something and then just chat to her normally. Easy."

OK, the lad thinks and the next day he sees a young woman he really likes coming out of the bathroom.

"Hello", he says to her

"Hi" she replies

"That is a really pretty dress you are wearing"

"Oh, thank you"

"Been for a shit then?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:34 AM

Reminds me of the fellow who went to a bar and beheld the loveliest woman he'd ever seen serving him drinks. He tried every pickup line he could think of to entice her to go out with him and the comely barmaid ignored every one of them. Finally, in desperation, he dropped trou and said "What do you think of that?" to which she replied "That looks like a penis, only smaller."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 10:18 AM

Thanks for the reminder, Doug .... of a problem I remember NASA having with the devices fitted to each astronaut's penis for purposes of urination, which for tolerably obvious reasons had to be a tight, but not over-tight, fit. These devices were produced in Small, Medium and Large sizes; to save the astronauts' blushes, they were relabelled (respectively) Large, Extra-Large and Enormous.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 29 Apr 24 - 05:32 AM

A young lady had started working at a pharmacy and, after the first month, was given a performance review. Her boss was very happy with her work in general but was particularly impressed with the high turnover of condoms she had achieved, compared to the other employees. He asked her the secret of her success.

"They come in packs of 3, 12 or 60" she explained. "If someone comes in for condoms, I ask them if they want small, medium or large and they always say large so I sell them a pack of 60".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Apr 24 - 09:29 AM

Bloke calls round on his best mate, to find him in a state of doom and gloom.

"Hey, what's up, mate?"

"The missus told me she was going to the shop for a pint of milk. Ten minutes later she sent me a text saying she'd been having an affair and was never coming back!"

"Jaysus, mate, that's terrible! How are you going to cope!"

"I'm just going to have to use the powdered stuff..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 24 - 10:23 AM

Going for the treble...

I told my mate that I have a pet termite called Clint.

"That's a strange name for a termite," he said. "How come?"

"His full name is Clint Eatswood..."

And a literal sick joke:

Two piles of vomit were walking down the road when one of them burst into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked his mate.

"You see that derelict old pub across the road? That's where I was brought up..."

And finally:

I asked the counter clerk at the motel if I could have porn disabled in my room.

"Certainly not! We only do normal porn here, you sick bastard!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: BobL
Date: 26 Apr 24 - 03:07 AM

Make America Grate Again

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Apr 24 - 11:35 AM

Patient (to his doctor during a prostate exam): How's it look back there, Doc?

Doctor: Well, you seem to have a lettuce leaf protruding from your posterior.

Patient: Is that serious?

Doctor: It's just the tip of the iceberg.


Possible Trump slogan for 2024:

MAGA- Make America Gag Again

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Apr 24 - 09:50 AM

I wanted to post a joke about sodium but then I thought Na people won't understand it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 03:01 PM

Goodnight and may your god go with you :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:19 PM

Oops! I'm not supposed to be taking part in this thread anymore, am I? That didn't last long.

Dave Allen was one of my favourite comedians, especially when talking about religion.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 02:13 PM

Now Dave Allen mentioned above made some great sketches...but for me...none better than this one about the End of the World..
https://youtu.be/VjuROfmNDGQ?si=dcVfa4ju1WF2twom

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 01:32 PM

300!

Bit of a Spartan joke...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 01:04 PM

Yeah, I was thinking Dave Allen's routine had a similar structure to bits that Newhart, Sid Caesar, Jackie Mason and the like were doing back in the 50's and early 60's. I imagine that style originated in Vaudeville. I thought that bit was hilarious, DA had a show that used to appear on my local PBS affiliate back in the 80's, also very funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 12:37 PM

I wonder what our American cousins will make of it.

I would have thought that it was very much their cup of tea (or cup of coffee, if you prefer). I'm thinking of routines such as Bob Newhart's 'Driving Instructor'.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 12:31 PM

Wait, is Steve Shaw gone, or is that a different joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 08:53 AM

He was a genious :-) Have you seen "Dave Allen at peace" with Aiden Gillan in the staring role? It is very good.

There are a few US comedies and comedians that I find funny but, generally, I struggle with some of the US humour too. I think it may be a cultural thing.

In the restaurant I asked the waitress for a lobster tail. "Certainly, sir," she replied. "Once upon a time there was this very handsome lobster..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 08:01 AM

I am always bemused by the way that humour does not seem (for the most part) to cross the Atlantic.

An example of, to me, superb humour can be found in the attached Dave Allen sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVPUIRGthI

I wonder what our American cousins will make of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Apr 24 - 05:40 AM

I remember the first time I told my wife that I loved her. We were in a bar at happy hour knocking back 2 for 1 gin and tonics when I laid it on her. She wrote it off with, "Oh, gilly, you're drunk."
I assured her, "It's not just the booze talking. It's also the pot, the coke and the Xanax."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Apr 24 - 06:13 PM

If they need explaining, they are not jokes!

My psychiatrist told me that write letters to those I hate and then set fire to them. It did make me feel better but what should I do with all those letters?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Apr 24 - 05:45 PM

I think it is interesting (rather than infuriating) that there is a person who does not understand what a joke is. Are there others? Is there a literature on the subject?

What *is* a joke? Perhaps Freud can help.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Apr 24 - 03:22 PM

A very rich man was going through his finances, and he said to his wife, "You know, dear, if only you knew how to cook we could sack the chef."

"Well," she replied, "if only you knew how to screw we could sack the chauffeur."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Apr 24 - 05:51 AM

"Droppings" was the operative word there, Don, but kudos for actually telling a joke in a joke thread.

Until I met my wife I felt incomplete. Now I'm finished.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Apr 24 - 03:13 AM

Humour often doesn't travel very well. I've found I need to test jokes aloud, as they often don't survive the journey from my brain to my vocal chords.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:21 PM

At least the last but was an attempt at a joke but WTF was the rest of that shite?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 04:06 PM

Talk about verse? Yes stories are best compared to comedians who recite 20 jokes and their set is done. Observational humor works well over here. I don't have fellow writers to bounce ideas back and forth but I HAVE SOME INTERESTING BRAIN DROPPINGS every year or two.

I live the embarrassment of Larry David without presenting it as entertainment or art. He gets good help though.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 12:23 PM

We are probably better having that conversation by PM gillymor but I didn't want to just drop a message on you out of the blue. If you want to continue the Steve discussion feel free to drop me a note or we can just agree to disagree now:-)

Meanwhile, from the late, great Tommy Cooper

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 06:33 AM

btw, Don, your trite observations are the comedic equivalent of WAV's "poetry".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:35 AM

I can't say I follow your reasoning, Dave. Besides, any resistance to Don's rambling nonsense seems to be futile and just encourages him to continue his trollery because he knows it's having it's desired effect.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 10:38 PM

Someday you will die is not entirely true.
You stand an equal chance it might be night.


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerm nvcsw
unedited text by my cat


Laughter is the best medicine but it's not covered in Senofou's health plan. (the poor dear is waiting for treatment for gall stones)

Many of you are deliberately putting your health at risk by being over 65 and not taking the newest fad medicine, or by taking them all.

My tax return was deemed suspicious for spending less than I earned.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM

MAYBE this world is another planet's hell.
I think not if we have the truth to tell.
Whenever I hear a preverbal baby laughing
It's hilarious, mysterious, and catching.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 05:39 PM

Maybe that last post explains my actions better than ever I could.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 04:25 PM

My jokes are like fine wine but Dave's jokes age like milk.
Even my exaggerations are better and don't use the word s**t like Dave. Ghost posts from his brother from another mother age like
artificial creamer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 03:38 PM

I fully understand your point, gillymor. Do you appreciate why I am posting Steve's jokes on his behalf while Don continues posting his shite with apparent impunity?

And I do post my own favourite jokes too

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 01:52 PM

Yes, Dave,this is the B.S. section and posting here is restricted to members. You've been posting for an abusive former member. Wether that is counter to the M.C. rules I don't know. I just find it creepy, as I said earlier. I hope that's clear enough and that we can get back to the jokes and whatever it is that Don does (well, maybe not that last part).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 12:21 PM

Gillymor - This IS the BS section!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 11:21 AM

That's great, Don but just for a change of pace how about sharing a joke.

A (Grateful) deadhead was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie sparks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

The autocrat has ordered you to shun. The shun shines on he.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:22 AM

Dave, in case you're unaware you're now acting as a surrogate for an abusive former member in a spat with a current member. There's a reason we have a separate B.S. section. That's all I've got to say on this subject.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:10 AM

I'm just cutting and pasting from a named source, gillymor. If I just stop naming my source, like everyone else, is that any better?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:49 AM

This is getting creepy. Perhaps we should stick to jokes from real members.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:24 AM

My reply

Splattered doesn't rhyme with bastard...

Maybe

When hot oil spat
He screamed like a twat

Steve's reply

Donuel's Mudcat "jokes" are no fun
Not amusing at all, not one
Can't roll on the floor
Please, Donuel, no more
Or this thread every member must shun

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 07:27 PM

There was an old man from Bude
who frequently cooked in the nude
When hot oil splattered
he screamed like a bastard
and behaved entirely rude.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 06:31 PM

Don't let the door slam, Doug. Talking of which

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 05:40 PM

I give up! I'm done with the Joke thread, at least for this year. Maybe I will look back in when it becomes the Joke thread for 2025 to see if people can behave like adults.

Carry on your petty squabbling, kiddywinks.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 02:05 PM

And from the hand of George Bernard...

Oh no, hang on, it may be another Shaw :-D

Donuel attempted a joke
But there is no helping the bloke
His efforts are tasteless
Incredibly baseless
Somebody get him his cloak

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 01:28 PM

A bloke called Don on Mudcat
Just couldn't get where it's at
He failed at some jokes
So he just had some tokes
And all over the forum he shat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 08:57 AM

That is some lame stuff, Don.