BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:17 PM

Left out "night", jeesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM

My wife likes to talk during sex, last she called me from a hotel.- Rodney Dangerfield

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:47 AM

One from Steve :-)

An old boy and his missus had lived a very long and healthy life, thanks to her obsession with a carefully balanced diet, plenty of exercise and moderation in all things. But at the age of 95 they died in an air crash and were met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"Well, you've lived perfect lives and you can come straight in. You can do whatever you like in here - eat, drink as much as you like, play golf all day on our heavenly golf course, watch films all day in our luxury cinema - anything at all, no medical or any other consequences, you won't get fat and it's all perfectly free for evermore!"

"What, no restrictions at all?" asked the old boy.

"None whatsoever! The perfect life for all eternity!"

The old boy turned to his missus and said angrily, "We could have been here thirty years ago, Doris. You and your bloody Bran Flakes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Apr 24 - 08:45 AM

Heard on The Daily Show, under the heading TRUMP SELLS BIBLES:

Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing. God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a 3 month prison sentence for lying under oath.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

Tasers, too...

Stealing the bobbin one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Mar 24 - 05:08 AM

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police officers night stick~?      The magic wand is for cunning stunts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM

That reminds me of:

Whats the difference between a sewing machine and a woman running down the street?


A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 12:36 PM

:-D I'm pinching that

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 11:39 AM

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist just looks up the bush.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 02:28 PM

My wife said that I needed a new password for a shopping website. I said, "How's about 'Mypenis'?"

A couple of minutes later she came back in the room and said that the message from the website was "Too short. Choose something longer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 02:27 PM

An extremely ancient couple were worried that they both kept forgetting little things, so they decided to write each other little notes.
One day, the wife said to her husband, "Please go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream. Now, do you want me to write a note so that you'll remember what I want?"

"Absolutely not! "he said. "I can remember a little thing like that, without you writing a note!"

"Well," she said, "Would you please put some strawberries and cream on my ice cream as well? Do you want me to write a note?"

"Absolutely not!" he retorted. "I can remember all that quite easily without a note!"

So off he went into the kitchen. There were quite a few minutes of pots and pans being crashed around. Eventually he came back into the sitting room and presented his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Oi!" she said, "Where's the toast I asked for?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 07:06 AM

Ray Alan, the ventriloquist, appeared once on Saturday Night at the Mill (a programme on the Beeb), with his dummy Lord Charles.

Alan: What'll you have to drink?
Charles: A gottle of gear.
Alan: Don't you mean a bottle of beer?
Charles (stumblingly): Of course I mean a bottle of beer --- I'm trying to make it easier for you, you fool.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 28 Mar 24 - 09:13 PM

Speaking of Beethoven, do you know why he hates chickens?
Because when he asks who is the greatest composer the chickens say "Bawk, bawk."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 28 Mar 24 - 09:10 PM

This guy walks into a bar and sets a large box on the barstool next to him. The barkeep comes over and says "What'll you have?" The man says I'm a bit short on funds at the moment but if I show you something amazing will you stand me to a drink?" The bartender looks skeptical and says it would have to be pretty incredible. So the man opens the box and pulls out a tiny grand piano and an itsy-bitsy stool. The he pulls out a chipmunk and sits him on the stool and lo and behold the chipmunk begins to play some Beethoven ... and he's brilliant. The barman allows that that was pretty incredible and pours the guy a double shot of scotch.
   After finishing his drink the many offers to show the bartender something even more amazing for another drink. He replies "More amazing than a chipmunk pianist? Show me what you got." The man reaches back into the box and sets a little dog up on the bar. The chipmunk plays an intro and then the wee dog begins to sing. He sings Danny Boy and there's not a dry eye in the house. The bartender pours him another stiff one and then he says "You seem to be down on your luck, how about I buy these animals?" The guy says " Well, the chipmunks been with me for long time but I guess I could part with the dog." They agree on a price and the barman takes the dog in the back to feed him. A third man standing nearby begins to berate the man saying "How could you sell that dog. Why a singing dog could make you a fortune." The places a finger to his lips and says "Shhh, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist" and quickly exits the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 08:54 AM

On the subject of funerals mentioned.... I may have posted these before but they're always good for a laugh.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 07:45 AM

Same shrink said "You don't have an inferiority complex. You are inferior."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 05:09 AM

A shrink said to his patient, "don't worry, you're not delusional, you only think you are."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 02:20 PM

Probably the same person that put the ram in the ramalama ding dong

Back in the 1940s in Peru there was a famous market that traded in livestock. Of course the biggest pull was the llamas that they managed to sell at discount prices because of the sheer volume that they could trade. It all went well until cars became very popular in the 1950s and the big American cars took over pride of place where previously there had been hundreds of llamas. Lots of the market closed down but a very enterprising local businessman opened, in one of the empty spaces, a Chinese takeaway specialing in the local lamb and bamboo shoots that grew surpisingly well in the wet valleys of the Andes. This became very popular with the American car salesman who sang its praises so much that famous US rock and roll stars started to visit regularly. So much so that many songs alluded to the former Llamarama with the lamb bamboo...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 01:36 PM

I'm still trying to figure out who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 01:29 PM

Dave, you put the fun in funeral

But anagramatically - who put the real fun in funeral?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 09:17 AM

Dave, you put the fun in funeral.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 08:47 AM

A bloke just tried to sell me a coffin. I told him that is the last thing I need.

I was in the cemetery when I saw four blokes carrying a coffin on their shoulders. I went back four hours later and they were still there, carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 02:35 PM

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A pokemon

My wife has run off with my best friend. God, I miss him...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 12:51 PM

My friend, a gynaecologist always decorates the hall in his house though the letterbox.
Another person I know insists that the fact he was born by caesarean section is not the cause of his exiting his car via the sunroof.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM

I don't get it.

Proctologist (while pulling on a latex glove): Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this exam.

Patient: But doctor, I don't have an erection.

Proctologist: I was talking about me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 06:10 PM

You should see my illustration of the heavenly violin tree.
I have numerous spin offs for celebrity trouble-in-heaven stories.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 10:45 AM

At least someone's laughing at his "jokes".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 10:39 AM

A string theorist is kissing his secretary when his wife walks in. She bursts into tears and turns to run out. The string theorist yells,

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

note to the joke police - Donnie is already laughing
Didn't anyone tell you humour is personal?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 07:33 AM

If God were the Emcee he would have given you the hook a long time ago. Once more, this an effin JOKE THREAD!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 06:26 AM

God does not play dice with the Universe,
S/he plays saxophone alone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 08:11 PM

Me neither, It would appear some posters have a Guardian Angel!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 07:14 PM

Wtf was it all about?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

No-one yet but Donny will make something up soon

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 04:00 PM

That's a minute I'll never get back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 03:52 PM

When Einstein died he went to heaven beyond any spacetime dimension.
To his delight, he discovered his beloved violin growing out of the top of what appeared to be a violin tree. When it was full size he plucked it from the tree and began to tune it up. Two angels rushed to his side and demanded to know what he was doing. "I was going to play the violin". Oh dear you must not do that. You see God is a saxophonist and dislikes string music including the harp. Dejected, Albert said "oh my I didn't expect tyrants in heaven". The angels scowled and said you are free to admire the violin but you may not play with GOD, it is a rule for all physicists!

Just then a saxophone was heard playing 'Take the A Train'. Einstein couldn't resist and he tucked the violin under his chin and began to play. A tall heavy set God appeared and kicked Einstein squarely in the balls sending his violin flying into pieces on the marble like floor. Lying there with smashed balls Einstein groaned as the angels hovered over him. You are not allowed to play with God and for GOD'S SAKE don't ever take the melody away from God. Al whispered 'Heaven equals a narcissist God times hell squared'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 03:45 PM

What is the sex like in the Mt. Everest base camp?

In tents!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 06:29 PM

Change hands

To paraphrase a joke :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 06:28 PM

199

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 05:40 PM

Q: How was the Roman Empire divided?

A: By a pair of Caesars

Before the joke police wake up - it is also a history lesson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 01:53 PM

When my ex wife ran off with my best friend, I was totally devastated....I really missed him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 20 Mar 24 - 04:01 AM

A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.

The Catholics had the best solution. They baptized and confirmed the squirrels. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 01:22 PM

When Dick can't get his way and mess up threads he gets petty. Sad to say, here, Sandman is the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 07:43 AM

Golfer 1: I was on the 12th tee yesterday and I hooked the ball onto the highway right through the window of a school bus which swerved into a ditch and burst into flames.

Golfer 2: What did you do then?

Golfer 1: I opened my stance and weakened my grip.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 05:01 AM

Why do TEXAS women remain celibate,The guys fixing potholes have completely disappeared

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:57 AM

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this Texan guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer
I asked him, "Do you have a gun"

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Texan?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you big prick

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:26 AM

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?
false

Because they have no rights.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 04:24 AM

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)
He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”

The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”

“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”

“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.

“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.

“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.

The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”

With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.

After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.

“Damn,” she said.

“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.

“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”

“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”

The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”

“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”

The Devil promptly threw up.

“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”

The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.

“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”

The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.

“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”

He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.

He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.

“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.

The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.

“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.

“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”

The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”

The man shrugged.

The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.

The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”

The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.

“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.

The Devil spat out his tea.

“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.

“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.

The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.

“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”

The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.

“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”

The person looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,

“I was a moderator”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 03:53 AM

The last one's not bad Dick but the politics before it belong on the Trump thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: The Sandman
Date: 19 Mar 24 - 03:46 AM

Everything's big in Texas joke
One of my personal favorites.

A man walk into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the food bar and orders a hamburger. The hamburger is the biggest burger he's ever seen. "Why is this so huge?" the man asks. The bartender says, "Well everything is big in Texas." Then the man orders a beer, and this too is very large. "Man why is that so big, I'll never be able to finish it." "Well I told you, everything's big in Texas." The man eats his food and finishes off the beer, gets drunk, and has to use the bathroom. "Sir, where are the bathrooms?" "Down the hall and to the left." So the man goes toward the bathroom and forgets which way the bartender said, and goes to the door on the right instead. He walks in, falls into the pool and starts screaming, "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Mar 24 - 04:47 PM

Are you a pole vaulter?

No, I am Dutch and how did you know my name was Valter?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Mar 24 - 10:16 PM

"What is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."