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Subject: new jokes From: GUEST Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:01 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I haven't heard a good current joke in awhile that didn't involve an American President, Clinton or Bush take your pick. Anyone got any ? Here is the only one I have heard- "I recently ran into Brittany Spears. I almost didn't recognize her without the word MUTE appearing nearby." Clinton and Bush are still fair game though. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Midchuck Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:19 PM An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:28 PM This may not be new, but it's new to me...does that count???? Frank Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Pseudolus :( Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM Damn........lost my cookie again! Frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Justa Picker Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:45 PM Guy walks into a pharmacy and tells the female clerk "I need to speak with the manager". She says "one moment". Goes into the back room of the store and the female manager walks out and says to the man "I'm the manager. How can I help you?" Man says "No. I need to speak to a male manager." She says "Sir I've been managing this pharmacy for many years, and I can promise you that whatever the concern, I am more than qualified to deal with it." Man starts perspiring and very nervously says "Okay, I have to tell someone. It's driving me insane! I've had a hard on for the last 3 weeks and cannot get rid of it. Is there something you can give me for it?" She goes into the back to consult with her female partner. A few minutes later she emerges and smiling says to him "How's $500.00 a week and a 35% interest in the store?" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Dharmabum Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:07 PM A teacher was working with a group of children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,they felt objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smelled aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Life Savers,more flavors than you could imagine. "Children,I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"announced the teacher. Without difficulty, the children managed to identify the taste of cherries,lemons,and mint,but when the teacher had them put honey flavored Life Savers in their mouths,every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint,"said the teacher."It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly,one of the children spat the candy out of his mouth and shouted,"Spit 'em out,you guys,they're assholes!" DB. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Songster Bob Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:08 PM I hear they're giving Viagra to men in nursing homes, along with their warm milk at bedtime. The milk helps them sleep, and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed in the night. - - - A woman goes to apply for a job in the citrus fields. Thay asked her, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" She says, "I've been married and divorced three times, what do you think?" - - - Bob C. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Timbrel Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:46 PM OK...this one came from garrison kiellor's show. I've had mized reactions telling it: some people guffaw, some just roll their eyes. Spring comes, and a bear wakes up from his long hibernation feeling very, very thirsty. He stretches and wanders out of his cave in search of something to drink. The spring is dried up, the stream is dry, so he wanders a while, eventually coming to a rural road. He follows the road down, and soon comes into a small town, where there is a bar on the corner. The bear thinks "Hey! That's it, I"ll have a beer." He goes into the bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The bear says "I'll have a beer..... (long pause here) and a bag of peanuts." The bartender says "Why the big paws?" Works better out loud. But seriously folks...why IS there such a dearth of new jokes lately?? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bardford Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:56 PM Old fellow sitting on chair in a nursing home. Every so often, he lists to one side, and the nurse comes running over from behind the desk to lean him back upright. A visitor arrives: "Well,pop, how are they treating you?" "Okay, I guess, but they won't let me fart." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 02 Apr 01 - 06:12 PM Man goes into pharmacy. 'Do you sell viagra?' Girl assistant blushes. 'Yes, we do!' 'Can I get it over the counter?' Girl assistant blushes again. 'You might need three tablets to do that...' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Banjer Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:47 PM Q. What happens when you feed viagra to a lawyer? A. Nothing, he just gets taller. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:03 PM Did you hear about the guy who got a viagra caught in his throat and got a stiif neck? There's a guy who has gotten into the habit of stopping at the local pub after Mass on Sunday afternon. His wife usually puts up with it but one week tells him,"Now this sunday is our anniversary. I want you to go to town after Mass, and pick up everything we had for dinner that night in Paris on our honeymoon. Get a good bottle of Merlot, some good cheese, good crusty bread, and escargot. And don't stop at the bar!" The guy goes the following sunday, and sure enough, he has to walk right by his favorite bar to get to the bakery. His friend see him through the door and call to him. He tells his story and tries to beg off, but they keep after him, and tell him "Just stop for one. It's on us!" Well. one leads to two, two leads to ten, afternoon turns to evening. Our hero needs a good excuse and turns to the bartender who gives him the best he can think of. The man runs home, and as he gets to the front walk, he takes out the escargot, and puts them in a line on the wlakway. He opens the door, and as his wife comes running to the door to chew him out, he turns to the snails and yells "Hurry up already!" Same guy, same wife. He stops for "just one" after work, and ends being there for awhile. He gets quite drunk, and throws up on his shirt. He turns to the bartender who tells him, "Take $20 stick it in one pocket and tell your wife that you were fine, but the guy next to you got sick and threw up on you. Then give her the $20 and say that he gave it to you to pay for your shirt." The guy thinks that just might work and settle down to another pint. He stays for a little while longer and goes home. His wife sees him and starts to yell and he hands her $40 and tells her about the guy who threw up and the $20 for his shirt. His wife asks why there's $40 then and he replies "He shit in my pants, too." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Tone d' F Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:13 PM Penguin walks into a bar and says "have you seen my brother" barman replies "no what's he look like" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM so this seal walks into a club |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:41 PM whats red and smells like green paint.
red paint. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer." And one for the ladies: One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas,playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mr Red Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:24 PM From Dave race - a local folkie This duck walks into a bar and orders a Pint of Lager and a packet of nuts which it proceeds to consume. The barman, nonplussed at an apparently 'talking duck' says err excuse me, we don't see too many of your ilk hereabouts. The duck replies Well mate I am here for about a week, I am plastering the Grey's house down the road. The barman then says If you like I could get you a much better paid job with some friends of mine who run a circus. The duck gives this some thought and then replies, circus folk live in tents don't they? Yes says the barman. Well says the duck, what the *!*!??* do they want a plasterer for then? Petr - So what's wrong with the smell of red paint then? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: chip a Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:42 PM What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ------ dam! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Frug Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:51 PM Girl and guy get married after a whirlwind romance. On the wedding night as they undressed for bed the guy throws his trousers acrossd the bed and says hey try these on. The girl trys and says these are too big for me. Good says the guy now we know who's big enough to wer the pants in this house. The girl responds by taking off her panties and throwing them to the guy says here you try these on. The guy takes one look and says I'll never get into those pants........Exactly says the girl and thats the way it stays until your attitude changes |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:58 AM Sorry, but I don't understand the thread title.... RtS (as everyone will have worked out by now! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:53 PM Heard about the new Stealth condom? She'll never see you coming! heard about the new, extra-sensitive condom? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 04 Apr 01 - 01:20 PM A slightly different duck joke!! Three ducks walk into a bar and the first one orders a beer. the bartender is a little taken aback by a talking duck but decides to start up a conversation. "So, what's your name?" The first duck replies, "Huey". "Hiya Huey and how was you day? Huey says, "Marvelous! It was a marvelous day, in and out of puddles all day!!!" Bartender goes to the next duck and says, "So, what's your name?" The second duck replies, "Duey". "Hiya Duey and how was you day? Duey says, "Fantastic! It was a fantastic day, in and out of puddles all day!!!" So the bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie, huh?" third duck says, "No, my name is Puddles and don't even ask me about my fucking day!!" Frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Dharmabum Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:28 PM A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg,looking a bit p*ssed off,grabs the sheet,rolls over,and says"Well,I guess we finally answered THAT question." DB. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:41 PM The sex life of an egg... You only get laid once - by your mother! The only one who sits on your face is - your mother! The one time you get hard, someone smashes the top of your head with a spoon... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? When you throw it, it doesn't come back. It just writes sad songs about how it would like to some day. troll |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Jim Dixon Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:57 PM This is a true story (paraphrased) from a newspaper article which Jay Leno read on his show on Monday: A man was arrested after stealing a *large quantity* of Viagra from a drug store. The clerk was able to pick him out of a lineup . . . |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:02 PM whats brown & sticky? a stick (i know youve heard it before) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,JTT Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM Ancient joke from the beginning of Viagra (which of cours is made in Ireland): A large quantity of Viagra was stolen on the way to the airport. The Gardai [Irish police] are looking for a group of hardened criminals. (*this joke went around after a quantity of Viagra actually *was* stolen on the way to the airport.) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:29 PM 5 little pigs go into a bar. They all have a pint, after which the first goes to the tolet, and then leaves. The 4 have another round and then one excuses himself, uses the facilities and then leaves. Another round and another one uses the bathroom, and leaves. The remaining 2 have another pint, and one uses the bathroom, and leaves. The remaining pig has another beer and heads for the front door. The bartender asks "Aren't you gonna use the bathroom as well?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM Why did he chicken cross the road? The rosters on the other side already had their peckers pretty full, and open dates were hard to cum by. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: gnu Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:50 PM I don't get no respect. The other day. I went to a cathouse at noon. There was sign on the door. It said, "Gone to lunch. Go **** yourself !" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:35 PM That was for old gnus. Now if you were a new gnu--- |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Nemesis Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:50 PM I heard Derek Brimstone crack a couple at his gig the other night: What do you call a train when it goes straight through the station when you're waiting Thomas the Bastard
What do you call a helicopter that doesn't fly? Budgie the little wanker
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM Tell me when it time to laugh. I'll do my best. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:21 AM No Guest#1. Because then I'll wind up having to explain it to you and I simply have too much to do this month. troll |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:40 AM Not so much to do that you can't waste time on BS threads. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:50 AM You've discovered my dreadful secret. Whatever shall I do? My reputation as a hard-working drudge will be destroyed, the facade will be stripped away and I will stand exposed as A. The reincarnation of Froggy the Gremlin. B. A fairly typical Mudcatter C. A reporter for Inside Edition D. A teapot troll * hint. "D" is a good bet* |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 01:39 AM I'm here because I have to wait for someone to supply me with some data by email for a design project for them. So I have to watch my email almost all day, and it's trivial to switch over to Mudcat for 30 seconds or so every half hour. My rationalization is that I'm really working, but tomorrow I'm going to turn over a new leaf and start doing somthing worthwhile while waiting (at least that's my very optimistic plan) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 05 Apr 01 - 08:31 AM A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Apr 01 - 08:32 AM Three guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it! frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,psycodelek Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:30 AM a chimpanzee,crocodile&elephant walk into a bar-the bartender says whoa-what are you guys some kind of joke? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: LR Mole Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM Has the Russian space station destroyed its only flower regeneration facility on reentry or did the MIR have two vases? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Apr 01 - 10:41 AM A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So, why the long face?" They didn't have to be good right? :-) Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and starts to relax. Someone from the back of the bar yells, "15!!" and the entire bar roars with laughter. this seems a little weird but he just continues on with his beer. Soon after another voice yells, "32!!" and again the bar erupts with laughter. This continues with different numbers but the same results. Finally the guy calls the bartender over and asks what is going on. The bartender replies, "Well, ya see, we're a neighborhood bar and everybody in here has been coming here all their lives. We all know each other and each other's jokes so instead of telling them all over again, we keep 'em in a book and when someone feels like tellin a joke, they just yell out the number and we all know the joke and laugh. the guy says, "Can I try it?" The bartender hands him the book and he starts reading. He picks out one he likes and then yells, "44!!!" There's dead silence. He decides to try again and he yells, "19!!!". Nothing..... Finaly the bartender comes over and says, "Ya know, it's not so much the joke, it's how ya tell it"..... Frank
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Frug Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM Pseudolus............The ending to that one I heard was the guy asks for a go and without using the book shouts out 34892 and the crowd erupts in paroxysms of laughter and give him a standing ovation. When the guy enquires why the big reaction the barman says............... Well they haven't heard that one before! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Noreen Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:28 AM I think some people here haven't noticed the title of the thread... :0) Bernard?? And Frank- my Dad used to tell that one... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:45 AM A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I? Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:57 AM Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!" Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Greyeyes Date: 05 Apr 01 - 05:22 PM A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one. The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says "can you make me one with everything?" |
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