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PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)

Naemanson 26 Oct 01 - 09:58 AM
Naemanson 26 Oct 01 - 10:02 AM
Sorcha 26 Oct 01 - 10:11 AM
guinnesschik 26 Oct 01 - 10:49 AM
MMario 26 Oct 01 - 10:53 AM
marymarymary 26 Oct 01 - 11:10 AM
jmdornan 26 Oct 01 - 11:14 AM
GUEST 26 Oct 01 - 11:20 AM
MMario 26 Oct 01 - 11:33 AM
GUEST 26 Oct 01 - 11:43 AM
Charley Noble 26 Oct 01 - 12:48 PM
SharonA 26 Oct 01 - 12:55 PM
Charmion 26 Oct 01 - 01:01 PM
Gary T 26 Oct 01 - 01:07 PM
catspaw49 26 Oct 01 - 01:35 PM
Allan C. 26 Oct 01 - 01:35 PM
Dave the Gnome 26 Oct 01 - 01:42 PM
Bernard 26 Oct 01 - 03:31 PM
GUEST,Les B 26 Oct 01 - 03:53 PM
Clinton Hammond 26 Oct 01 - 04:17 PM
Bert 26 Oct 01 - 04:33 PM
Charley Noble 26 Oct 01 - 04:41 PM
Gareth 26 Oct 01 - 06:29 PM
Madam Gashee 26 Oct 01 - 07:13 PM
catspaw49 27 Oct 01 - 12:00 AM
forty two 27 Oct 01 - 06:57 AM
Mr Red 27 Oct 01 - 11:59 AM
Hollowfox 27 Oct 01 - 05:12 PM
Long Firm Freddie 28 Oct 01 - 04:00 AM
GUEST 28 Oct 01 - 06:25 AM
Charley Noble 28 Oct 01 - 10:35 AM
Nigel.Parsons 28 Oct 01 - 11:06 AM
Tom French 31 Oct 01 - 11:38 AM
Charley Noble 31 Oct 01 - 04:52 PM
lamarca 31 Oct 01 - 05:17 PM
Sarah the flute 01 Nov 01 - 06:10 AM
HuwG 11 Sep 02 - 08:59 AM
GUEST,Fred Miller 11 Sep 02 - 09:31 AM
clansfolk 11 Sep 02 - 11:05 AM
GUEST,Pirate Joke 11 Sep 02 - 12:50 PM
The Shambles 11 Sep 02 - 02:28 PM
Liz the Squeak 11 Sep 02 - 08:36 PM
Nigel Parsons 12 Sep 02 - 07:28 AM
Big Mick 12 Sep 02 - 08:10 AM
HuwG 12 Sep 02 - 08:27 AM
Guessed 12 Sep 02 - 08:56 AM
GUEST,rich_and_dee 12 Sep 02 - 09:05 AM
GUEST,Barracuda d'Morte 12 Sep 02 - 05:36 PM
Bert 13 Sep 02 - 12:01 AM
Blackcatter 13 Sep 02 - 12:27 AM
GUEST,Barracuda 13 Sep 02 - 06:51 PM
fogie 14 Sep 02 - 06:36 AM
Amos 14 Sep 02 - 02:43 PM
GUEST,Just Amy 23 Sep 02 - 01:43 PM
reggie miles 24 Sep 02 - 12:16 AM
GUEST,fred miller 24 Sep 02 - 12:26 PM
The Fooles Troupe 19 Aug 05 - 09:36 PM
GUEST 19 Aug 05 - 09:51 PM
Hillheader 20 Aug 05 - 08:43 AM
Dave (the ancient mariner) 20 Aug 05 - 09:27 AM
Charlie Baum 21 Aug 05 - 01:57 AM
Leadfingers 21 Aug 05 - 07:07 AM
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Subject: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 09:58 AM


Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Looking for some pirate jokes and stories I can tell to kids at a pirate party. Got any good ones?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 10:02 AM

By the way I aready have the following:

A pirate is standing at the bar and he really looks the part. He has a wooden peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. A local strolls up and asks, "How'd you lose your leg?"

"Argh, t'was a cannon ball took off me leg in a fight off the island of Santa Domingo."

"Wow, and how did you lose your hand?"

"Argh, t'was a cutlass swip in a fight off the coast of Madagascar."

"Oh, and what about your eye?"

"Seagull poop!"

"What!?! Seagull poop can do that?"

"Well, it was the first day with me hook."

My other pirate joke is not appropriate for children.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Sorcha
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 10:11 AM

Yo Ho!

So a French pirate walks into a tavern with a brightly colored parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks at it and exclaims, "Wow! Now that's something! Where'd ye get it?"

The parrot speaks up. "Awwwwck, they've got plenty of them in France!"


Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: A buck an ear!

One morning, Mrs. James woke up and her dishwasher wasn't working. She called a repairman and he said that he would be able to come out and service the dishwasher that afternoon.

Since Mrs. James worked during the day, she said, "You can come out this afternoon but I won't be at home. I'll leave a key under the back door mat, you fix the dishwasher and leave me a bill. I'll mail you a check tomorrow. I need to tell you, though, that I have a Pit Bull. He's a gentle dog so don't worry about him. I also have a parrot. He's not so nice, so whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!!"

Later that day, the repairman let himself into Mrs. James house and sure enough, there was her Pit Bull. He was a gentle dog . . he just lay on the rug and watched the repairman do his work.

The parrot, however, was another story. He screamed, and squawked, and lunged at the repairman the entire time he was in the house.

Finally the repairman couldn't take the bird's screaming any longer and he yelled, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD."

At that, the parrot looked at the Pit Bull and said "Sic 'em, Brutus."

More pirate joke pages


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: guinnesschik
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 10:49 AM

Aye, an' those were rated "Arrrrrrgh!"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: MMario
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 10:53 AM

to be chanted - of course - in the 'Key of R - flat, minor, diminished with a suspended ninth'


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: marymarymary
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 11:10 AM

A fierce-looking pirate walks into a bar. He's grizzled, and muscled, and tattooed all over, with scars on his face and a wicked-looking knife clenched between his teeth. As he swaggers up to the bar, the folks sitting around drinking can't help but notice that the pirate has a full-size ship's steering wheel sticking out from the crotch of his britches. As the pirate sits himself down at the bar, the other patrons keep glancing at him, then cutting their eyes toward each other. Finally, after the pirate had been peaceably drinking for fifteen or twenty minutes, one of the locals gets up the courage to approch him.

"Pardon me," he says, "but I couldn't help wondering about the ship's steering wheel sticking out of your pants."

"Aaaargh, I know!" cried the pirate. "It's driving me nuts!"

Well, maybe if the kids are in their 20's or so...


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: jmdornan
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 11:14 AM

of course "R" is a lettler in the Irish alphabet!!!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 11:20 AM

John Paul Jones came ashore in England and his men scattered around the town to scare the populace... When he decided it was time to return to his ship, he couldnt find them all. Seeing an Englishman sitting by a wall chewing on a piece of straw he asked "Arrgh Matey, where's me Buccaneers"? to which the man looked up and replied "Under yer Buckin hat Capt'n"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: MMario
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 11:33 AM

? Wasn't John Paul Jones a Navel Officer?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 11:43 AM

Not really a pirate joke but thrown into the pot fer fun Mates... An old sailor after many years of service on the North Atlantic was finally going to retire and live at the Seamans Mission. As he was paying off in Liverpool the Customs and Excise officers informed him that the Parrot he kept as a pet for many years could not be landed in england due to strict quarantine regulations. After discussing options the poor sailor finally agreed that it would be best to put the parrot down. The parrot was listening to these proceedings and was distinctly pissed off. Being a seafaring parrot he had a sailors vocabulary, and was swearing away when the Customs official tried to pick up his cage. He bit a chunk out of one finger. Out of sight of the old sailor (who was very fond of his pet)the Customs Officer said "right you little bastard see how you like this" He stuffed the parrot into a burlap sack, tied the string top and started whacking it against a steel door. He then submerged the bag in a 45 gallon drum of water and held it there for several minutes... Hauling up the bag he said "how did you like that you little bastard"? the parrot was heard to reply "who the fuck is on the wheel"?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 12:48 PM

There once was a pirate named Gates,
Who used to do battle on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Arghhhhh!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: SharonA
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 12:55 PM

"On the wheel"? I don't get it.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charmion
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 01:01 PM

Who's steering this badly handled ship?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Gary T
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 01:07 PM

And you could recite the Pirate Alphabet--A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, AYE, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, ARRRGH, S, etc.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 01:35 PM

Hey Brett......How about a story of a modern day pirate of sorts? This guy worked the trains and it has all the elements, including a crew and the fact that this guy was hard to get rid of! Plus, part of it's on Halloween!

One of the last and most bizarre executions here in Ohio before they stopped the death penalty (it's on again now) was actually held on Halloween in 1953 at the Ohio Penitentiary in Columbus. Frank Howard had been an employee of the Baltimore and Ohio railroad for almost 25 years. He had started out as flagman on freight trains and eventually worked his way up through the ranks to become the conductor on one of the B&O's most prestigious passenger trains, the Cumberland Valley Limited.

After a few years on that run he had come up with a small gang of porters and baggagemen to aid in his scheme which involved the theft of specific items of value from the rooms and luggage of wealthier passengers. He had this carefully crafted so as not to be blatantly noticeable, ie, they never took entire cases or anything that would lead anyone to believe they had been robbed, but rather had perhaps misplaced or lost a particular item....or left it at home. Being the conductor on the train, Howard would listen to the passengers and generally be able to convince them that a report wasn't needed and on the few occasions it was, the railroad saw no problem. Things were reported missing on trains all the time.

It worked pretty well and wasn't a huge moneymaker, but it effectively doubled the salries of all involved with a few extra bucks for Howard, over and above his share. This became apparent to one of his henchman named Washington who confronted Howard on it. Howard was a man with a hot temper and perhaps Washington was cowed by the rage. In any case, he backed down and came up with a new plan. Washington decided he'd do a little freelancing. This of course blew the whole carefully done scheme of Frank Howard and he walked into the station in Columbus and in full view of a hundred people, shot Washington dead.

Howard claimed that Washington was a thief and escaping which sounded good, but before too long, Howard's other men began to talk and the whole thing was exposed. Howard was arrested, charged, and convicted of first degree murder along with the assorted thefts. He received the death sentence and after all of the appeals had been exhausted, he was scheduled for execution in the electric chair for October 31, 1953.

He was strapped in and shaved, wet-down and hooked up. At the appointed time the switch was pulled and Howard's body became rigid and then trembled violently. After 20 seconds the switch was turned off but Howard was still alive. After a brief conference it was decided to increase the voltage and time. First they checked the equipment which seemed to be functioning. This done, after 45 seconds and smoke coming from his body, Howard was found to still be alive! Once again they upped both voltage and time, but again the result was a living and breathing Frank Howard.

At this point, the priest, the warden, and the doctor decided that the humane thing to do was to give him an injection. The only thing the doctor had was morphine with which they overdosed him and 20 minutes later he was declared legally dead. After removing the body they went through another series of tests on the chair and the wiring and once again found that everything was in working order and should have killed Howard in the first 20 seconds. No one knew why it didn't work, but they surmised the problem was that Frank Howard was simply a bad conductor.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Allan C.
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 01:35 PM

We'll have none of your belly button jokes, Mario!

Q: Why did pirates sail the high seas?

A: To get to the other side!

Oops. Wrong joke file...


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 01:42 PM

What goes 'Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven'

Parroty failure


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Bernard
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 03:31 PM

Pirates wear 'R' front underpants - when they pull them up, they yell 'Aaaaaarrrr!'.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Les B
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 03:53 PM

And of course theres the tale of a bold pirate captain, who, just prior to sailing into battle, or when raiding a merchant ship, would shout "Cabin boy, bring me my scarlet coat," which the cabin boy dutifully did.

After seeing this happen several times, a new second officer finally plucked up the courage to ask of the captain why he always called for the scarlet coat.

Well, the captain explained, if it should so happen that I became wounded, the color of the coat would mask any blood, and my men would not lose courage at the sight of my gore. Just then the lookout shouted down from the mast, "Captain, the whole British fleet is bearing down upon us and it looks like they mean business"

The captain hesitated for a moment and then loudly shouted, "Cabin boy, bring me my brown trousers!"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 04:17 PM

For us Canadian pirates...

Winnipeg: A TV game show for pirates...

Do you know the Arrogant Worms song "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate"??? A definite hit with the kids...

:-)


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Bert
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 04:33 PM

Parroty failure. LOL, I love it.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 04:41 PM

Bad conductor - arghhhhhhh!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Gareth
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 06:29 PM

Then there was Cap't'n Hook. Went ashore to visit the Ladies of Pleasure.

His inamorata to one look at hid hook and said "Capt'n we can miss out the foreplay"

**************8

That Seacook and Pirate Long John Silver recieved a musket ball in the goolies - ever after he was known as Short John Silver.

Boom Boom

Gareth


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Madam Gashee
Date: 26 Oct 01 - 07:13 PM

It's not a joke as such but my son asked me What was Capt Hook's name in Peter Pan before the croc bit off his hand! One of life's mystery's?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Oct 01 - 12:00 AM

Sorry Charley (Noble)......to coin a commercial phrase.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: forty two
Date: 27 Oct 01 - 06:57 AM

It's amazing that in the original innocent days of Captain Pugwash the BBC overlooked the names of the characters:

Master Bates Seaman Staines

there are others I don't remember but not for a childrens' party anyway!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Oct 01 - 11:59 AM

Nice story but the Pugwash story may be hogwash. It is said that there are no recordings with said characters in the story (if any recordings). The myth might be true (?) if the unrecorded episodes were the first few and the BBC realised they had been had But in such cases the scripts would have had to be filed. Apparently there was a character called Blake or somesuch hence the myth.
Parity failure - how odd! they did have error correcting codes in those days, one was called the cat-o-nine tails. .


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Hollowfox
Date: 27 Oct 01 - 05:12 PM

Madam Gashee, his name was James hook, or as he sometimes spelled it, Jas. Hook. Barrie had a wahy of making this seem sinister.
Naemanson, I was very surprised to find that my library doesn't have a kid's book of dumb pirate-related jokes and riddles. Your local library might. However, I did find this title that you might find interesting in the future: Book of Pirate Songs by Stuart M. Frank. 1997, Kendall Whaling Museum. 144 pages, $25.00 ISBN 0-937854-0.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 04:00 AM

Q. Why don't pirates take asprin for headaches?

A. Cos the paracetomol!

LFF


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 06:25 AM

Some of my friends were recently caught trying to smuggle a large quantity of designer underwear into the country, evading customs duty. Henceforth they shall be known as the "Pirates of men's pants".


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 10:35 AM

Guest, are you suggesting that your friends were caught un'awares?


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Nigel.Parsons
Date: 28 Oct 01 - 11:06 AM

Definitely NOT for the kids, but.. Q: How many pirates can you get in a pair of tights ? (U.S. = pantyhose) A: A couple of hundred Coarse 'airs.... Boom Boom

Nigel


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Tom French
Date: 31 Oct 01 - 11:38 AM

At a Morris Ale in 1990, I watched a really bad pirate skit done by the Hearrrrrts of Oak. It was so bad that it was great and left everybody for the rest of the evening and the last day of the Ale continuing to add joke lines. Since you are doing a concert, a skit-like thing might work well. Use 4 to 8 people who like to ham it up extemporaneously. Essentially no rehearsal required, but some simple pirate suggestive bandana's or other pirate paraphanalia, especially hand props are useful. Here is the routine:

The pirates are all up on stages slowly meandering or standing saying "Arrrr", "Arrrr, Arrrr", "Arrrr", ad infinitum. Finally one of the slowly gets the others attention much to their disgust and asks, "What kind of stockings do Pirates wear when they storm a ship? The others all keep saying arrr in a questioning manner and perhaps their are some bad answers such as "Nylons" to which they all start snarling, arrr in disgust with the inference. Finally someone offers the correct answer "Arrrrrgyle" to which all the others arrr in approval or more disgust at the bad joke. This can go on with such things as arrrrrrtichokes, arrrrrrrthritis, or anything else that is inspired by the evening. If they are singers, you might climax it with having them sing some old pseudo pirate song in "Arrrrrrrrrrmony." This is also one for arrrrrrrrrdience involvement who can easily relate to the blatantly simple routine. The whole thing carries itself with little prepartion. Planning the climax and ending is the only thing that needs some good thought. Arrrrrrrrdapt to your setting, it's very varrrrrrrrsitile.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 31 Oct 01 - 04:52 PM

Very nice, Tom. We'll keep your kind words in mind for next year. Arrgghhhh!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: lamarca
Date: 31 Oct 01 - 05:17 PM

I'm surprised Skivvy or one of the other Pyrates Royale hasn't chimed in, but they used to (and may still) lead The Pyrate Cheer:

Pirate: "Give me an R!
Audience: R!

Pirate: "Give me another R!"
Audience: R!

Pirate: "Give me another R!"
Audience: R!

Pirate: "What's that spell?"
All together: "Aarrrgh, aarrgh aarrgh!"

Seems to work well with kids and childish adults...


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 01 Nov 01 - 06:10 AM

Two parrots sitting on a perch.... One says to the other "something smells fishy round here!!!"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: HuwG
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 08:59 AM

At one stage, Long John Silver acquired a parrot in Ireland, which he called "Captain O'Flint". It used to sit on his shoulders, squawking:

"Acres of peat ! Acres of peat !"

I don't know why he replaced it ...


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 09:31 AM

My kids like this joke. Pirate goes into a bar and says me parrot can sing. I pull his left leg, he sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I pull his right leg he sings Appy Birthday. And sure enough, the parrot does it. Someone asks What happens if you pull both his legs? and the parrot says I fall off my perch you idiot.

A pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, an eyepatch, but what bothers him is one day he notices he has a screw in his bellybutton. He goes to the doctor, the doctor gets out a screwdriver, and takes the screw out. Then the pirate's butt falls off.

I used to say that if a pirate came to my mother-in-laws house with his peg-leg, she'd put a coaster under him.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: clansfolk
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 11:05 AM

Where's me buccaneers? - behind yer bucking head!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Pirate Joke
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 12:50 PM

A salty old pirate, wooden leg & eye patch, walks into a physician's office with a steering wheel protruding from his bottom- the doctor exclaims, "You have a steering wheel shoved up your arse!". The pirate replies- "EEye- It's driving me nuts!"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: The Shambles
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 02:28 PM

When the wife and I cuddle up at night, when there just may be a chance of a bit of 'hanky panky', it always makes the two of us laugh if ..............OOOPs!

Oh you mean PIRATE Jokes!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Sep 02 - 08:36 PM

So what kind of stockings DO pirates wear when they board a ship?

LTS


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 07:28 AM

Lts: I think that may have been a follow-on from my comment about panty-hose containing Corsairs,
Nigel


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Big Mick
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 08:10 AM

There was this Irish privateer. One day, the lookout cried, "Captain, ship ahoy". The skipper calmly turns to his crew and says, "Lads, prepare to engage. Man your stations, charge the weapons, set the rigging for battle". Then he turns to the cabin boy and says, "Lad, bring me my red shirt", which he donned, and then directed the successful battle and capture of the other vessel. He fought with great skill and courage and the plunder was rich. A few days later, they were sailing and the lookout cries, "Captain, three ships ahoy". The skipper calmly turns to his crew and says, "Lads, prepare to engage. Man your stations, charge the weapons, set the rigging for battle". Then he turns to the cabin boy and says, "Lad, bring me my red shirt", which he donned, and into the battle they went. The skipper was brilliant, maneuvering the fast ship and accurately placing the shot to take out the masts of the other ships. In battle he was fierce, almost a lunatic. In the end the day was won, the plunder rich, and the ship returned to port loaded with spoils. One of the sailors, a new fella, asked the Captain, "Why the red shirt?". The Captain replied, "So that if I am wounded in battle, my men won't be able to see that I am bleeding and lose heart". "Brilliant" says the seaman. A few weeks later, the ship is underway once more when the call comes from the crow's nest, "Captain, 10 ships on the horizon". The skipper calmly turns to his crew and says, "Lads, prepare to engage. Man your stations, charge the weapons, set the rigging for battle". Then he turns to the cabin boy and says, "Lad, bring me my brown pants".


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 08:27 AM

Long John Silver and his bunch of ruffians are sailing the captured "Hispaniola". Israel Hands, who was badly wounded earlier, at last gives up the ghost.

"Throw him overboard", says Long John Silver, "and then give everybody twenty lashes with the cat o'nine tails".

The crew protest, "Why all this savage punishment, cap'n ?"

"Didn't you know ?" says Silver. "We always have a whip-round for the funeral when somebody dies."


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Guessed
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 08:56 AM

Wot sits on LJS's shoulder and sqwarks "Pieces of Nine, Pieces of nine"
a parity error
OK the non techie one -
a bit actor get his big break - playing Long John Silver, bragging to his friends he tells them he is on mega-bucks per hour and the filming starts monday. He can't start till Tues. "Why not" they all chant thats kilo-bucks you will be losing. "I have to go into hospital Monday" says he. "Why not postpone it, and what is the operation anyway?" they chorus
"leg amputation" says out bit actor - it is a smaller part than he anticipated.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,rich_and_dee
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 09:05 AM

Here's a joke my 4-year old tells:

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?

To get to the second hand store.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Barracuda d'Morte
Date: 12 Sep 02 - 05:36 PM

Q: What do you call 10,000 Spaniards at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

MMario - John Paul Jones was a privateer.

Yours in piracy,

Barracuda d'Morte, Captain & Navigator of El Pollo del Mar, identical twin sister of Philistina d'Morte, the dreaded Corsican Sisters of the Port Royal Privateers (www.portroyalprivateers.org)


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Bert
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 12:01 AM

a parity error.. I love it!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 12:27 AM

John Paul Jones was a privateer.

Just check this info from: http://www.history.navy.mil/faqs/faq58-1.htm

"In December 1775 John Paul Jones received his lieutenant's commission from the Continental Congress for its navy."

"Most general histories of the Navy focus on his seamanship and courage when in danger but not on his character. These honorable portrayals of Jones contrast with images of piracy presented by the British. Rudyard Kipling, for example, refers to the "exploits" of Jones, "an American Pirate." Sir Winston Churchill calls him a "privateer" and even Theodore Roosevelt mentions him as a "daring corsair." Jones, of course, neither held a privateering commission nor was engaged in piracy, the realization of which might be what prompted someone on one occasion to cross out the British Library catalogue entry for John Paul Jones as "the Pirate," and substitute "Admiral in the Russian Navy." In modern terms John Paul Jones indulged in questionable behavior, since his popularity with women led him to having many lovers. Furthermore, he failed to be a good team player, spurning the naval efforts of others as inadequate compared with his own brilliant accomplishments."

"After the Revolutionary War, Commodore John Paul Jones was active in negotiating prize money claims in Paris. In 1788 he entered the service of the Empress Catherine the Great of Russia as a rear admiral. He hoped that command of a battle fleet in Russia would qualify him for higher command if and when the United States built a permanent Navy."

He was a commissioned officer of the U.S. Navy. Any attacks on British ships were done under a flag of war.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 13 Sep 02 - 06:51 PM

Pervert


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: fogie
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 06:36 AM

Can anyone remember a seriously funny radio skit on pirates three or four years ago probably by people like Punt and Dennis (UK) The pirates weren't satisfied with their lot and were ready to mutiny The captain assumed that they wanted more rum etc. but their union rep wanted things like an away-day, and a creche, and to speak properly , and use other tenses other than the present, when the captain said that he'd keelhaul them they started quoting all sorts of civil rights at him. I really wish I could quote it.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Amos
Date: 14 Sep 02 - 02:43 PM

Pirate 1: Aaaaarrrrrrrgh!
Pirate 2: Foine, thanks --- Arrrrgh you???

Badabooom!


A


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,Just Amy
Date: 23 Sep 02 - 01:43 PM

Just spent the weekend with pirates and had to update this thread.

What's a pirate's favorite restaurant? Arrrrrrby's

What kind of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrgyle

What do pirates pay to get their ears pierced? About a buck an ear

What is what is a sheep's favorite movie? Shawshank Redemption (well, it was funny after the rum).


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: reggie miles
Date: 24 Sep 02 - 12:16 AM

There's a silly pirate story that I wrote and posted on the Mudcat Story Tellers' Page called The One What Bitsed Me Washboard's Leg Off. It's a long winded little illiterate alliteration suitable for listeners of all ages and should be recited using your best pirate voice, Arr! You can find it via Aine's Mudcat Songbook Page in the quick links box at the top right corner of the main forum page.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST,fred miller
Date: 24 Sep 02 - 12:26 PM

My kids liked a kid version of a previous joke. A man has a pirate squirel living in his backyard and everyday asks him what he's doing. "I'm gathering me nuts for the winter." Next day "Aye, I'm putting me nuts in me tree for the winter."

One day the man looks out and sees a ship's wheel sticking out of the pirate squirel's tree hole, and says "pirate squirel--is that a ship's wheel stuck in your door there?" The squirel says "Aye, it's driving me nuts."

They get the joke but seem to enjoy the idea of a pirate squirel more than the punch-line.


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 09:36 PM

referesh - last post just begs for an answer...


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 09:51 PM

More pirate alphabet, this time with phrases!

A, U!

O, L!

Y, O, Y?

R U N? S I M!


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Hillheader
Date: 20 Aug 05 - 08:43 AM

A pirate with a wooden leg, hook and eye patch goes into a bar on the quayside. After a few drinks he getting chatting to the barman.

"You look as though you've seen some action" said the barman. "How did to get the wooden leg?". "A cannonball blew it clean away" said the pirate. "And the hook?" asked the barman. "Cutlass fight, in a bar just like this one" was the reply. "What about the patch then?" "Aaargh" said the pirate, "A seagull shit in it". "You're winding me up" said the barman. "You cannot lose your eye if a seagull shits in it!".
"Yes you can lad, yes you can" said the the pirate wiping the patch with the hook.

I'll get my coat.............


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 20 Aug 05 - 09:27 AM

Why a Pirate would be a lousy Santa

Because he would always say "Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum"


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Charlie Baum
Date: 21 Aug 05 - 01:57 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that?"
And the parrot answers, "On the high seas."

(Deconstruction of a joke Robin Williams tells at the end of "The Aristocrats")


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Subject: RE: PIRATE JOKES (Needed For Concert)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Aug 05 - 07:07 AM

What about a Non PC ( mildly racist) Pirate Joke ?

An Afro-Carribean pirate walks into a doctors with a parrot on his Head The Doc says "How can I help you ?" and the Parrot says " Can you do something about this blackhead on my foot ?"


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