limericks [10]

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 08:04 PM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number...give him a call !

Subject: RE: limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:57 PM

There once was a crooked old folkie
Who spent a night in the pokey.
He said "I thought 'twas as such;if you pull it too much
Your brain will go mushy and hokey".

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:42 PM

God's plan made a hopeful beginng
But man went and spoiled it by sinning
We Trust that the story
Will end in God's Glory
But at present the other sides's winning

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:30 PM

A clean one:

There was a young girl named Farrell
Who liked to play stud for apparel
Her opponent's straight flush
Brought a maidenly blush
And a hasty trip home in a barrel.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:29 PM

As well as whole websites devoted to limericks: there's one where each person adds the last line and starts the next one if you want some new material!
There are the Edward Lear ones on this site (but watch out for th annoying pop-ups!):
http://www.poetry-online.org/limericks.htm

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:27 PM

Like gamblers, and hoboes, and pimps
And back-alley losers with limps,
Little Hawk cures depression,
And fiscal recession,
By creating invisible Chimps.

A

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:01 PM

If you do a lyrics and knowledge search there is a thread with absolutely loads of them on.....
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: limericks
From: hobo
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 01:45 PM

One for English members:

Has anyone got the words of any 'traditional' English limericks? Reminiscing recently I tried to recall some from my days in the RAF in the early '60s, but few came to mind...

With the passing of survivors from the old National Service tradition I suspect many of these are passing out of living memory. I have in mind stuff along the lines of the following:
There was a young girl from Devizes
Had up at the local Assises
For teaching young boys
Matrimonial joys
And giving french letters
As prizes!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bentley
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 10:33 AM

There was a young man from Bangkok,
Who got his tool caught in a rock.
He pulled it too hard
And stretched it a yard
Now the women hang round in a flock

---

Threads combined. Messages below are from a new thread.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 08:48 PM

There was a young fellow named Durkin Addicted to jerkin' his gherkin. His wife told him, "Durkin, By jerkin' your gherkin, You're shirkin' your firkin', you bastard!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 07:02 PM

Dave, I learned this as:

A young couple from Aberystwyth,
United the organs they kissed with
By turns and degrees
On their hands and their knees
They got to the organs they pissed with.

WassaiL! V

Subject: RE: limericks
From: HuwG
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 09:02 AM

I'm reluctant to join this increasingly gonadal thread, but Bill D's scholarly contribution requires a footnote:

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why this was
He said, "It's because
I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 07:07 AM

Yes Kendall That's a good one - figuratively speaking!

Have you tried converting it to the metric system??

There was a couple from Aberystwyth,
Who had some cards to play whist with.
When they got tired of that
They went and sat
And played with the things that they pissed with.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 12:56 PM

The Limerick packs laughs anatomical In a space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 09:19 PM

I don't know if "fuck all" is well known among Americans; so, for the benefit of those who don't know, it is the equivilent of zero, zed, nothing.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:55 PM

Joe Clark had not much of a chin
"Well, don't worry," said Brian to him
"I can take up the slack
And lead the attack
Cos mine's long as the road to Berlin"

(political limerick...you've got to be Canadian to appreciate it, plus remember the '80's. Joe Clark is still on the scene, somewhat, but Brian Mulroney has departed for greener corporate pastures.)

I agree that the one about the mathematician is exceptional. That last line is a killer.

- LH

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:40 PM

Best one I ever heard: A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexihedronical ball
The cube of its weight,
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:32 PM

There was a young girl from Pitlochry
Who was having a f**k in a rockery
When she found that he'd come
Before she'd begun
# She said "That's not a f**k, it's a mockery

There was a young lady, she was Greek
Who had her monthlys, twice a week
Said her young man from Woking
Most provoking, No Poking.
So to speak

Oh dear, the mudhut's going downhill again.....Giok

Subject: RE: limericks
From: euclid
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 04:35 PM

There was a young man from Calcutta Who coated his tonsils with butta Thus changing his snore From a thunderoust roar To a soft, oleaginous mutta

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Troll
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 11:15 AM

In London a newsboy named Grimes
Led girls on to infamous crimes.
"I deliver," he'd boast
"Two Globes and a Post,
And goodness knows how many Times."

There once was a poet named McNameter
Whose mistress kept calling him amature
Said she,"your technique
Is too rough and antique,
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."

BillD, nicely done.

troll

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Gypsy
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 11:04 AM

Do you care to sin
with Elinore Glynn
on a tiger skin?
Or would you prefer
to err with her
on some other fur?

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 12:53 PM

Kaleea..thank you! I get so frustrated with those who will NOT hone the limerick well enough to keep the meter!

There was an old gasman named Peter
With a match poked around a gas heater
Touched a leak with his light
And rose out of sight
And, as anyone even vaguely familar with the more subtle nuances of the art of poetry can tell you,
...he also ruined the meter!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 08:14 AM

There once was an ageing folksinger
Who caught his dick in a wringer,
Said he, "It's no trouble, I'll simple redouble
My efforts with tongue and with finger",

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 03:59 AM

Mary had a little pig. She coudn't stop it gruntin. So she took it up the garden shed, and kicked it's little cunt in.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Kaleea
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 03:59 AM

henry.anne-- you don't quite have the County Limerick rhythm!

a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest) a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest) a 1 & a 2 (eighth rest) a 3 & a 4 (eighth rest) a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest)

or add a "&" to the 1st, 2nd & 4th phrases using no 'rest'

as in:

A lovely girl swimmer named Sive, Was swingy, tough eager, alive, 'My head's above water,' She said, 'as it oughter, But best of all is a low dive.'

When hunting around Ballybay, Pretty Ellen gave no man his way. Though pressed hard to yield, Trotting over a field, Her horse answered for her, "Neigh! Neigh!"

OR

A nervous six-footer named Bridget, Would wriggle and squirm, twitch and fidget, But she knew perfect peace, And a psychic release, When she found true romance with a midget.

and then there's

(hint: it rhymes with "eerie"!)

An ancient old man of Dun Laoghaire, Said, "Of pleasure and joy I've grown waoghaire . . . The life that is pure Will suit me I'm sure, It's healthy and noble though draoghaire."

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 02:58 AM

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not again!! Do you know how big the last one got???

LTS

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 06:40 PM

There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It's all part of our oral tradition."

There was once an old person of Tring
Who, whenever they asked him to sing,
Replied "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'."

Subject: RE: limericks
From: alanabit
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 10:21 AM

I should think so too!

Subject: limericks
From:
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 07:51 AM

There was a folk singer named Jock, Who got got his string snagged in his smock, He pulled and he swore 'til the bloody thing tore And he never wore it any more

sorry about that folks.