More limericks, eh? Part 3 [7]

Subject: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Oct 00 - 10:23 PM

How many root beers does it take
To extinguish the dolorous ache
Of a day without nookie
Or a mistaken cookie
That causes Spaw's windlass to break?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Oct 00 - 10:50 PM

Limericks, anyone? part one

part two

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 01:21 AM

Funny, Carol. I seem to have launched this one prematurely. Sorry. Got lost somewhere in the maze of threads. Could you now post a link back to Part 2? I don't quite know how to do that...

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 01:27 AM

Hi, Little Hawk.

In my previous post on this thread, I have included a link to both Part 1, and Part 2. Check it out. You are now in Part 3.

What have you been smoking tonight? (Can I have some?)

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 01:45 AM

You and Spaw seem to both be under the impression that I smoke. Not so. I have developed the ability to become incoherent entirely without the aid of artificial or natural substances, legal or illegal. Pretty cool, eh? I am willing to give lessons if you've got the cash.

By the way, got two twenties for a ten? I'll even give you Canadian for American, cos I'm just an old softy...

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 05:48 AM

You do'nt call that load of rubbish limericks, the folklorist the Reverend Sabine Baring Gould define limericks thus: limericks that can be told when women are present, limericks that can be told when women are absent but clergymen are present and LIMERICKS. All proper limericks are obscene, read the American folklorist Gershon Legman as well as Baring Gould, meanwhile: The Limerick is furtive and mean You must keep it in close quarantine Or it sneeks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk and obscene

Luv Dave

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 09:08 AM

Little Hawk, I hope you know that you are a very funny man.

zander, I don't know how you can say that. Most of the limericks on the part 1 thread were about Spaw's prodigious member. Six feet long, if I remember correctly. I think that's pretty obscene.

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 09:36 AM

Actually, Edward Gorey has written quite a few clean limericks - weird as hell, but clean - which are quite funny.

But he's one of the few who have managed it.

Peter.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 09:50 AM

Come on, Zander! What does a guy who can't even spell the word "don't" know about limericks?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 04:00 PM

Away from the throng's madding thrall,
In an old motel in Montreal,
I report with delight,
That I get through the night
Without thinking of Spaw's dong at all!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Rollo
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 08:19 PM

there was a man from Skibbereen

his verses vere never obscene

but sounding so pretty

extremely witty

and no-one was int'rested in!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Oct 00 - 08:20 PM

Good for you, Amos. I wouldn't have thought of Spaw's dong either, had I not opened this thread. Curse you, Amos!

I'm tired of Spaw's false pretences
Each time that the Mudcat commences
I grimace and groan
At the thought of his bone
And return my own verbal offences

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 23 Oct 00 - 02:50 PM

Well spotted Little Hawk, that will teach me to be silly bunt.

luv Dave

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Micca
Date: 23 Oct 00 - 04:18 PM

I see that its happening 'Spaw Though it must be against Mudcat law the size of your dong is a matter of song Little Hawk, thats another faux pas.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Micca
Date: 23 Oct 00 - 04:43 PM

I see that its happening 'Spaw
Though it must be against Mudcat law
the size of your dong
is a matter of song
Little Hawk,thats another faux pas.
Sorry for the No line breaks above...

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 23 Oct 00 - 06:33 PM

This clamor of peckers' a pain!
We have sung it again and again!
Let us open our eyes
To see Spaw-man as wise
And discourse on the size of his brain!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,FlashGordon
Date: 24 Oct 00 - 06:12 PM

Since these have all been in questionable taste, thought I'd add an oldie from the 60's.

A handsome young man named McSweeney, Accidentally spilled Gin on his wienie. He wasn't uncouth, Just added Vermouth; Then slipped his date a Martini.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 24 Oct 00 - 08:50 PM

There once was a lass very crude
Who strode down the street in the nude!
When a bobbie said, "What am
Agnificent Bottam!"
And smacked it as hard as he coould!

A naughty young fairy named Broome
Took a lesbian up to his room!
But they argued all night,
About who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom!!!

Regards,

A

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 07:13 PM

====musta brought down the house, I guess... no-one's standing up!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 10:29 PM

Well, Amos, I can hardly sit down after what that bobbie did to my Bottam!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 09:50 AM

Higgledy Piggledy
Catspaw and Little Hawk
Played in the threads while
We watched in dismay

We begged and cajoled them
And threatened to scold them
But still they continued
Their dreadful display

(hint hint, eh? How about some more limericks?)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 12:29 PM

Remmeber the lady from Clyde
Who ate so many apples, she died!
The azpples fermented,
Inside the lamented,
An' made cider inside her inside!

An ornery salesman, Pat Spaw,
Made whistles out of all that he saw!
Out of acorns, rose-blossoms,
And the assholes of Possums!
Now, ain't that agin nacherel law?

Regards,

A.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: tradman
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 01:39 PM

There was a young man from St. Bees Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When they asked, "Does it hurt?" He replied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

---W.S.Gilbert

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,the lone haranger
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 02:09 PM

There once was an aging folk singer
Who caught his dick in a wringer
Said he "It's no trouble,
I'll simply redouble
My efforts with tongue and with finger."

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 07:42 PM

An old favourite was:-

On the chest of a Barmaid from Sale
Was tattoo'd all the prices of Ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was exactly the same - but in Braille

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 08:35 PM

What doggerel! What merrisome wit!
I'm enjoying it more than a bit
Amos waxing obscene
Guests venting their spleen
While old tradman can't rhyme tat with tit

Actually, tradman's onto a good thing...limericks for the lazy...like:

There was a young man from Assizes
Who went fishing without any trousers
He caught him a whopper
But discovered much later
It was only his dangling persona

Easy, isn't it? If a trifle pointless...hmmmm. Maybe not such a good idea after all.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: tradman
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 10:09 PM

The St.Bees limerick by Gilbert is the last in my favorite book of limericks... "An Explosion of Limericks" by Vyvyan Holland, son of Oscar Wilde. The collection is literary rather than scatalogical or salacious, and often pokes good fun at itself as in the Gilbertian example or this one:

There was a young man of Japan, whose poetry never would scan.

He said, yes I know that this really is so,

But I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Elektra
Date: 30 Oct 00 - 09:41 AM

I've always liked that 'Japan' one, hehe...

In a similar vein:

There once was young man from Crewe
Whose limericks would end at line two

And then there's the guy from Verdun...

But that's really more like cheating.

On a bawdier note, I saw one on a previous thread that reminded me of this:

There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!

And now for something COMPLETELY different... Here's one for the prudes:

The great Aphrodite by Phideas
Once shocked the ultra-fastidious
'Til certain old aunties
Then dressed her in panties --
Which made her look perfectly hideous.

Sorry, can't remember who wrote that one either. :p
I suppose that's enough torture for now though. Or at least, a brief respite from you-know-who's you-know what! LOL

*Elektra*

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Oct 00 - 12:54 PM

An arrogant man from Marete
Declared he would not face defeat
When he met with a foe
Who could make him eat crow
He would thus beat a quite fleet retreat

That's from Quest for Glory V: Dragonfire, one of the world's best computer games. Which has actually seduced me away from Mudcat for a couple of days. Hmmmmm...

See ya!

I'm off to be a Wizard, a wonderful Wizard from WIT (Wizard's Institute of Technology.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:18 AM

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were really quite stable.
One night at full moon
She went down with a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

And a horrible fellow from Munchez All he would say
Throughout the whole day
Was, "Yez bastards, yez fuckers, yex cunchez.

All the best
Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:43 AM

Seamus...eewwwww.......

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: sledge
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 11:29 AM

While involved in a bestial act
He acted so matter of fact
The pig gave a squeel
as he had a feel
But the farmer caught him, he's sacked.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 02:46 PM

Carol C, don't eeeeewww me! I caught you (once again) using your double dactyls - in a Limerick thread, no less. If you wish to use your DD's (and fine DD's they are, to be sure) please do so in a DD thread. Yr ob svt. Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:39 PM

Seamus...just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Good job!

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:15 PM

What is a double dactyl?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Frugz UK
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:30 PM

There once was a pastor from kings Who liked most ethereal things His most ardent desire Was a boy in the choir Who'd an arse like a jelly on strings

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 12:11 AM

Little Hawk- Higgledy, Piggledy; strawberry, raspberry;
Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM

Oh, like...harum, scarum. holus, bolus. rock 'em, sock 'em. That sort of thing...?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 06:05 PM

LH: No, those aren't dactyls. Dactyls have 3 syllables, the first being accented and the last 2 unaccented.

"Militant feminist" is a double dactyl.

The opposite of a dactyl, of course, is an anapest, which is long-short-short, and Dr. Suess's favorite meter.

Although once you get started it's sometimes hard to tell the one from the other.

The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold
--Lord Byron

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 06:07 PM

Sorry; an anapest is short-short-long; a dactyl is long-short-short.

Gotta learn to proofread some day.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Midchuck
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 08:51 AM

What is the limerick's true physiogamy? Dactyl or Anapest, what can it be? With measured tread, the Dactyl steps heavily, While the Anapest gallops with glee!

P.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: L R Mole
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 09:01 AM

ANAPESTIC BULLETIN (doo-dah...): I've heard it said that it's the opposite to the heartbeat, and therefore can physically weaken people who hear it (?); that there are lots in the Stones' music but none in the Beatles' (not true: I think "Come together" is an anapestic rhythm if not lyric) and that remembering anapests hasn't been a problem for students since Queen's "We Will Rock You". Anyway, I like a/Rattling Anapest/Better than Limericks./Where is the crime? I throw my collar up/Pocket my hands and go/Rhymically whistling/Three-quarter time.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 09:56 AM

Ok, so now I'm really confused. When I read L R Mole's little ditty, I find myself naturally putting the emphasis on the first and fourth sylables of each phrase. According to Seamus Kennedy, that would make them double dactyls.

Also, in my Higgledy Piggledy, the emphasis is on the first and fourth sylable of each phrase in the first half, but it's on the second and fifth sylables in the second half. So according to Seamus Kennedy, that would make the first half double dactyls, but the second half would be something else?

Keep in mind, all of you who are not poetically challenged as I am, that it's pretty easy to confuse me.

Help?

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 11:31 AM

How 'bout Anne of Green Gables? Is Anne a pest?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: L R Mole
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 02:25 PM

No, but I'm getting confused myself now.Feeling fear: in fact, I quake in pterror, Dactyl.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: tradman
Date: 04 Nov 00 - 08:03 PM

Yipes! this has turned into a terrible pun forum. In a effort to gets things back on the right track...

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno

Said F*cking is one thing I do know.

All women are fine,

And sheep are divine,

But a llama is numero uno!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Nov 00 - 10:21 PM

Friday, the Rutland County Bar Association had its annual meeting and all-day continuing education session. There was a seminar on effect of the new Civil Unions law in Vermont on the lawyer's everyday practice, and I was drafted as a panelist for the real estate aspects.

After I had given my spiel and sat me down, another guy was speaking on the estate planning and tax aspects of the law, and I got to doodling while not listening to him as closely as I should have, and came up with the following:

A couple got married, though gay.
One wanted his friend's IRA.
He said to him, "Stover,
We need a rollover."
"Right now?" said his partner; "Okay!"

So am I a really bad person?

Peter.

(British Isles 'catters: IRA = Individual Retirement Account, not Irish Republican Army, for purposes of this literary work.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Nov 00 - 03:26 AM

Ok, can someone help me here? (Seamus, you back from Ireland yet?)

When you read Mudcat posts
In the presence of ghosts
And you know you're not reading alone

Then you think, "This is fine
Yes, in fact it's sublime"
And your ghostfriends agree with a moan

Is this anapests?

Good grief, I know I can't be very smart
If I can't figure out right from the start
Which words are dactyls and which aren't
Which ones to use, and those I daren't
And when to give up poetry for art

(mostly) Iambic pentameter?

What are the four footed iambic lines called?

Anybody?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 03:11 AM

Alright then. Double dactyls it is.

Higgledy Piggledy
Wesley B. Walker
Taught all of his students
The virtues of sin

Gratification
Excells sublimation
He swore by the hair of
His chinny chin chin

(I stole that one.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 09:42 AM

If you think that your time's being wasted
And your wine of life's not being tasted
Then consider old Spaw
Who's still wagging his jaw
And poor IARF who's getting lambasted