Subject: BS: Raunchy limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:04 PM Limericks ain't been done to death until there is no humour left in the world. How about the best one or two you've heard (with the really bad words censored so that we all will know what they are)? NO FRIGGIN' EDWARD LEER, unless it's really dirty. Here's for starters. There once was a girl named Alice, Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus; They found her vagina In South Carolina, And parts of her anus in Dallas. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:11 PM There once was a fella named Jock He tied mandolin strings to his cock When he got an erection He could play any selection From Johanne Sebastian Bach. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:12 PM Kendall, you ready to double-team this poor guy? Let's see.... Far from the dirtiest, but one with a really nice flow... As Titian was mixing Rose-madder His model posed nude on a ladder Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition So he climed up the ladder and had 'er. Next? P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM No, no, Kendall. It goes: A young man from old Little Rock Was born with a two-headed cock. When he fondled the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. There was young lady in Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches She often said, "Shit, I would give either tit For a man with equipment that matches!" But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet. Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting The thing while it sang a duet. P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM This is a corruption of one written by Isaac Asimov. I can't quite remember the original. There once was a fellow named Adam, I'll tell you his tale, it's a glad 'un; He thought with great mirth On the day of his birth, There were two balls on Earth, and he had 'em. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:11 PM A young lady who lived near the Bosporus Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinocerous. Said she, with a shriek, "His horn is unique And leaves the men looking preposterous." Now everyone likes a butch guy. That's a fact that we cannot deny. But between butch and bitch Is such a small switch -- Just the difference between U and I! The youth who frequent picture palaces Have no use for psychoanalysis. Altho Dr Freud Is distinctly annoyed, They cling to their long-standing fallacies. You can smoke a symbolic cigar. You can ride in a long, sexy car. But a phallic church steeple, To sensible people, Is stretching the thing rather far. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM An athletic young lad named O'Hare Was boffing a girl on the stair When the bannister broke, He doubled his stroke And polished her off in mid-air |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: greg stephens Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:37 PM Do cock and Bach rhyme properly in an American accent? I cant quite visualise it(that's the wrong word, auralise it, or something). Sorry, thread creep.I'd better contribute something to get on track. There ws a young man from Pitlochry Who seduced a young girl on a rockery she said as he come All over her bum That's not a f**k that's a mockery (Note the asterisks, I would hate to be accused of being rude) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,pdq Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM There was a young man named brucie Who fell in love with a moosie He had not been warned That the ones with the horns Are the ones which have not a poosie |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ClaireBear Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:23 PM There once was a charming young miss Who went down to the river to read. A young man in a punt Stuck his arm in her eye And now when she reads, she needs glasses. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: ThomasO Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM There was a young girl from St Helens Who had quite fantastical melons they were big it is true but her c**t was big two as big as a full colour aerial view of Cape Horn and the straights of Magellen. I thank you!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:58 PM Dear Greg, Yes, they do. Additionally, I think you might want to visualise it instead of aur--oh, pardon me a million times. I see which you mean now! How foolish of me. Nasty thought on my part. Bruce |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,petr Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:05 PM well there was a worldwide limerick writing contest and the surprise winner was an elderly Irish lady, who ousted the current champion of 10 years. when he found out about it he had to go over and meet her and hear the limerick. When he finally got to the small Irish village in where she lived he asked her to say the limerick - which she declined as it is not to polite to say in person.. he finally said just blank the dirty words and I can fill in the rest she said ok... da dadada da dadada da dadada da da and they fucked in a bucket of shite. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:06 PM There once was a nun from Siberier, Who had a virgin interior. Until a monk Crawled into her bunk, And now she's a mother superior. Then of course, there was the fellow from Nantucket, but I'm not going to go there. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Raedwulf Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:08 PM A similar one to Claire's is There was a young lady from Bude Who went for a swim in a pond A man in a punt Stuck his pole in the water And said "You can't swim here, it's private!" "Pole" for "arm" is so much more suggestive, I feel (fnarr-fnarr)... |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:58 PM There once was a mathematician Who preferred an exotic position. 'Twas the joy of his life To achieve with his wife Topologically complex coition. Il y avait un plombier, Francois, Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. Dit-elle, "Arrêtez! J'entends quelqu'un venait" Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi!" Es gibt ein Plummer von Tinz, Er schläft mit ein Mädel von Linz. Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, Ich höre Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht", sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz". |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM So here was this fellow of Strensall, Whose penis was shaped like a pencil. 'Twas anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. A sensual nympho, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced,' She spent on with zest.. Her rapture sheer anachronism. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:15 PM There was a young man from Peel Green Who invented a wanking machine On the 99th stroke The fucking thing broke And whipped his poor bollocks to cream. There was a young man from Belgrave Who found a dead whore in a cave He said "It's disgusting But it only needs dusting And think of the money I'll save" Well, you did say dirty... Cheers :D (tG) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:40 PM The rector of Dustin St. Just Consumed with canonical lust Raped the Bishop's prize owls His precious young fowls, And a little green lizard, what bust. There was a young fellow named Green Who invented a f***ing machine Both concave and convex It would serve either sex And service itself in between. There was a young lady from Madras Who had a most magnificant ass Not rounded and pink As you probably think, But gray, had long ears and ate grass. The last time I slept with the Queen She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien." (No, I don't think I'll finish this one.) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:50 PM A beautiful girl named Egret, Would twiddle herself while she slept. And when she would cream She'd wake up from her dream, And consider herself quite adept. There was a cockmaster named Bob, He was huge from his balls to his knob. No matter how large the chasm, He could bring an orgasm. For Bob was quite good at his job. There once was a cowboy from Dallas Who masterbated his phallus. He rubbed and he played, Til he wore away. And now there is nothing but callus. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: pixieofdoom Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:53 PM There was a yound artist named Saint Who swallowed some samples of paint All shades of the spectrum Flowed out of his rectum With a colourful lack of restraint There was a gay man from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night As to who had the right To do what, and with which and to whom |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:32 PM Rapaire, you dog, at least put the rest of the limerick in code. That'll help me with the other one. ;) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:53 PM There was a young lady named Heather Her pussy was made out of leather She attracted the boys by making a noise Rubbing its edges together. A mathmetician named Hall Had a hexihedronical ball The cube of its weight Plus his pecker, times eight Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all. The was a hermit named Dave He dug a dead whore from her grave She was moldy as shit And missing a tit But think of the money he saved. (Sorry Dave) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM There once was a heathen Chinee Who humped an ape in a tree The result was quite horrid All arse, no forhead Three balls and a purple goatee. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Snuffy Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:12 PM The last time I dined with the King He did a peculiar thing He sat on a stool And pulled out his tool And said "If I play, will you sing?" The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em As they knelt seeking God He excited his rod And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em A young couple from Aberystwyth United the organs they kissed with By turns and degrees On their hands and their knees They got to the organs they pissed with |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Obie Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:24 PM My favourite: There was a young lady from Thrace Who's corset grew too tight to lace Says her mother to Nellie, "There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:05 PM There was a young fellow named Perkin Who forever was jerkin' his gherkin His father said "Perkin, Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's fer ferkin', not jerkin'" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Alaska Mike Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:35 PM I was just in the Mudchat room talking with jimmyt and he mentioned that at one time he was thinking about buying an abandoned whorehouse in Tubac, Arizona. I couldn't help writing this limerick. Once a dentist named Jimmy the Man, Bought a whorehouse as his financial plan, But the whores wouldn't work, So he said with a smirk, "I guess I'll just run it by hand." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:32 PM There were two old maids of Birmingham And this is the story concernin' 'em. The lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the bishop as he was confirmin' 'em. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:35 PM from memory, for Brucie: The last time I slept with the Queen She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien." "Please put the light out, It's royalty's night out. The queen may be had, but not seen". If that's the one Rapaire knows, I have no idea why he wouldn't finish it. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,pdq Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:30 PM mainly for jimmyt and Alaska Mike... There was a young punk in a cadillac Who spent his time listening to Tupac We put a bomb, so neat Under the moron's front seat And pieces landed from here to Tubac |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: musicmick Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:47 PM Here are a couple I wrote. 'Though potency puckers pudendum If you've seeds in your scrotum, then spend 'em Nor should pregnancy bother the unmarried father Iligitimus non carberendum (Please excuse spelling) Sure as grave robbers gave us "skulduggery" Sure as "mug shots" is taken from muggery There's a six legged lass With a cock up her ass The true ANTecedent of buggery. (I do others, Mr. Mack) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 02:31 PM Not limericks, but... In days of old When knights were bold And condoms weren't invented They tied their socks Around their cocks And babies were prevented In days of old When knights were bold And toilets weren't invented They laid their load Beside the road Then walked away contented In the days of old When knights were bold But not overly particular They hung a sheep upon a pole And shagged it perpendicular |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:27 PM and the grevious tale of Dead-Eye Dick unfortunately, born with a corkscrew p***k, who searced the world in a fruitless hunt to find him a woman with a corkscrew c**t, then found her, screamed and fell over dead when he saw that she had a left-hand thread. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM This is one I composed myself. I was on a panel for an educational seminar for our county Bar Association, shortly after Vermont enacted the Civil Unions law. The seminar was about the possible effects of the new law on various forms of property. My own field was real estate, so I had nothing to say when the discussion got into the effect on various retirement accounts, particularly in light of the non-recognition of civil unions by the feds, particularly the IRS. I sat there scribbling, and came up with the following: A couple got married, though gay. One wanted his friend's IRA. He said to him, "Stover, We need a rollover!" "Right now?" said his partner,"Okay!" I am aware that I will be accused of insensitivity for producing the above. I plead guilty. Insensitivity is of the essence of a good limerick. Also, I realize the above may confuse our British cousins, what with IRA having quite a different meaning over there, but it can't be helped. Peter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: mike the knife Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:54 PM Stolen from a Vonnegut book I think... There once was a sailor named Rex who avoided pre-marital sex by thinking of Jesus and social diseases and beating his meat below decks |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:27 PM Folks, you may not know it, but I have dubbed Midchuck, "Peter the Great" He knows more limericks than anyone else I ever met. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: C-flat Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM There once was a fellow from Kent whose cock was exeedingly bent to save himself trouble he put it in double and instead of coming he went! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM Well, if nobody else is gonna post this old standard, I will... There was an old man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin "If my ear was a c__t I could f__k it!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:53 PM sure is a lot of thread creep here..*grin*...we purists would LOVE to see just good **limericks**. (one note..it is possible to have good 'erotic' or 'adult' limericks without words that need As**risks....sometimes the poem has little to recommend it except as an excuse to say "fuck" or whatever.. I really love limericks that manage to to be clever, ribald and still not simply 'crude' dirty.) ...The one about Titian from Midchuck is a good example, and rightly famous! From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a scream that echoed for miles. "Well, my goodness gracious", Said Brother Ignacious, "I didn't know that Your Lordship had piles!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:41 PM ...Now, that bishop was nobody's fool -- He'd been to divinity school -- So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now, one of those girls was named Sue, And Sue said, when the bishop was through, "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." Possibly not the same person: There was once a young lady named Sue Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw, But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother -- Let that be a lesson to you! And, possibly yet another Sue: There was once a young lady of Fife Whose man was the bane of her life, For he had an aversion To every perversion, And only liked fucking his wife. Well, one day the poor lady struck, And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck, Saying, "Where have you gotten us With your monotonous Fuck after fuck after fuck? I once knew a harlot named Sue, And a versatile dame she was, too! After ten years of whoredom, She perished of boredom When she married a jackass like you." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:00 PM And then there's this one, BillD... Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck Shittypiss shitty piss Shit pissy pisspiss Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:19 PM Back in the good old days when I was a resident singer in a pub where the landlord expected 'Rugby' songs after nine thirty we used to kick off the Limericks with :- A Limerick packs laughs anatomical In a space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical God's plan made a hopeful beginning But man went and spoiled it by sinning We trust that the story Will end in Gods Glory But at prsent the other sides winning |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM A broken down harlot named Tupps Was heard to exclaim in her cups The height of my folly Was screwing a Collie But, I got a good price for the pups. a clean one? There once was a girl named Ann Farrell Who loved to play "Stud" for apparel Her oponent's straight flush Brought a maidenly blush And a hasty trip home in a barrel. There was a woman named Anna, Who thought she could play the pianna But, what do you know? on her very first show She got hit with a rotten bananna. There was a fella named Carter A world class prodigious farter He could fart anything from God Save the King To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM I'm going under cover for this one. It's personal, made up by a former lady friend. There once was an ageing folksinger Who caught his dick in a wringer Says he "It's no trouble, I'll simply redouble My efforts with tongue and finger." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:47 PM hmmm, Cluin...and your point is? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:03 PM (and the meter is a bit off, too) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:45 PM oh, Kendall..you remind me! Here's the full "Farter from Sparta"...a true classic.. There was a young fellow from Sparta, A really magnificent farter, On the strength of one bean He'd fart God Save the Queen, And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. He could vary, with proper persuasion, His fart to suit any occasion. He could fart like a flute, Like a lark, like a lute, This highly fartistic Caucasian. This sparkling young farter from Sparta, His fart for no money would barter. He could roar from his rear Any scene from Shakespeare, Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado. He'd fart a gavotte for a starter, And fizzle a fine serenata. He could play on his anus The Coriolanus: Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah! He was great in the Christmas Cantata, He could double-stop fart the Toccata, He'd boom from his ass Bach's B-minor Mass, And in counterpoint, La Traviata. Spurred on by a very high wager With an envious German named Bager, He proceeded to fart The complete oboe part Of a Haydn Octet in B-major. His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz, He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas. With a good dose of salts He could whistle a waltz Or swing it in razzamatazz. Hi basso, with timbre so rare He rendered with power to spare. But his great work of art, His fortissimo fart, He saved for the Marche Militaire. One day he was dared to perform, The William Tell Overture Storm, But naught could dishearten Our spirited Spartan, For his fart was in wonderful form. It went off in capital style, And he farted it through with a smile, Then, feeling quite jolly, He tried the finale, Blowing double-stopped farts all the while. The selection was tough, I admit. But it did not dismay him one bit, Then, with ass thrown aloft He suddenly coughed... And collapsed in a shower of shit. His bunghole was blown back to Sparta, Where they buried the rest of our farter, With a gravestone of turds Inscribed with the words: "To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 03 Dec 03 - 10:51 PM I am a most virtuous bloke. I do not drink, swear chew or smoke. All vices eschewing, I stick to my screwing; And sometimes, on Sundays, snort coke. A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder. She said, "It is lewd, To be wooed in the nude" But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her. The inbred sixth Viscount of Hume Kept, always, a boy in his room; And would take, as his right, On each serf's wedding night, His Droit du Signeur, from the groom. P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Rapparee Date: 03 Dec 03 - 11:07 PM A gay young student from Gotham Said "Police, pimps and priests can be rotten. But be sins great or small I've found that them all Can be a fine fellow, at bottom. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:36 AM There was a young vampire called Mabel Whose periods were always quite stable, One night at full moon She went down with a spoon And drank herself under the table. A Tourette's Syndrome victim from Munchez Used language so really atrunchez That all he could say Through the whole livelong day Was "Yez bastards, yez fuckers, yez cunchez." Thank you for you kind attention. Seamus |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Gurney Date: 04 Dec 03 - 04:20 AM There was a young vicar from Uppingham, who stood on the bridge, overlooking 'em, watching the stunts of the c*nts in the punts, and the tricks of the pr*cks that were f*cking 'em. There was a young fiddler from Rio, who courted a maiden named Cleo. as she took off her panties, she said "No andante-s, I want this Allegro, con brio." You could only use that one in this sort of company. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,banjoman Date: 04 Dec 03 - 05:44 AM How about this little gem? A policeman from Clapham Junction Found his penis just wouldn't function So for the rest of his life he contented his wife With some snot on the end of his truncheon |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:29 AM ... less and less well covered by my hair every year, Bill D. Happy December, ya wood-turnin' old bastard! ;) They say Wee Willy Winkie had a prick that was tiny but stinky He had a microscope, But lacked water and soap To wash off his stinky little dinky |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:44 AM There was a young gaucho called Bruno, Who said ' shagging is one thing I do know '. A woman is fine, A sheep is devine, But a Llama is numero uno |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:15 AM Seamus, that is gross!!! Bill D I always thought that brevity is the sole of wit, but in this case, that farter thing is a real OPUS. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Steve Parkes Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM There was a young lady from Exeter So fair that young men craed their necks at her; One chap went so far As to wave from his car The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:10 AM A gay Irish priest in New Delhi Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly. By the time that a Brahmin Got down to the "Amen," He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly. P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:50 AM Nice one Midchuck. There once was a sailor called Bates, Who danced the ' fandango ' on skates, Till a fall on his cutlass, Rendered him nutless, And bloodywell useless on dates. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:58 AM To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your west tit the least bit The best of your east tit, Or is it a fault of perspective?" Said naughty old Sappho of Greece, "The one thing I like more than a piece Is to have my pudenda Caressed by the end o' The little pink nose of my niece." There was once an old Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem: "My dears, Though you may think it odd o' me, I'm giving up sodomy. Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.* |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:21 PM There was once an old Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem: "My dears, Though you may think it odd o' me, I'm giving up sodomy. Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.* Then up spake the King of Siam: "For women I don't give a damn. But a round-bottomed boy Is my pride and my joy. They can call me a bugger! I am!" Then up spoke a Hindu mahout: "Now, what's all this blathering about? Why, I shoot my gunk Up an Elephant's trunk..." *Cries of "fraud!" "He's a shit!" "Throw him out!"* |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:24 PM That randy young couple named Kelly Are now married buttocks to belly For they, in their haste, Applied library paste, Instead of petreoleum jelly There was a young lady from Dee, With a hymen was divided in three And when she was diddled, The middle string fiddled: Nearer My God To Thee The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super sensorium, But a highly effectual, Heterosexual Mutual masterbatorium! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bill Kennedy Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM A new barber shop might be called Cilia A new florist might go for Lobelia, But if your selling toy cars or lap steel guitars Don't call your new place Pedalphilia |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM A wonderful race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They make love all day In the usual way. And save up the nights for perversions. and by the famous poet, lecturer and critic, John Ciardi: There was a young lady who wouldn't. Her mother had told her she shouldn't. When dear mama died, She felt free, so she tried, But by then she was so old she couldn't There was a young lady of Mass. Rather lacking, we all thought, in class. She would stroll Boston Common And whenever she saw men She'd whimper, "Please, sir, make a pass." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:15 PM Curious, this absence of women |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:24 PM not so curious...*grin*...this thread probably reminds them of the back room at a smoker... |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:50 PM Buckskin Billy had a 3 foot willie, & He showed it to the lady next door, She thought it was a snake & hit it with a rake, Now it's only 2 foot 4. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: vectis Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM There was a poof from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room As they lay on the bed She turned round and said Now, who does what, with what and to whom? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: pixieofdoom Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:51 PM There was a young man from Belgrade Who planned to seduce a fair maid And as it befell He succeeded quite well And the maid, like the plan, was well laid |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:26 PM Curious, this absence of women When Kendall was at our campsite at Old Songs last summer, we got a limerick shootout going with the help of a good deal of Jameson's and Old Crow. Kendall would take a little Jameson's, then he'd apologize, saying he didn't usually tell these things with ladies present, then he'd start another dirty limerick - and Kris (Mizchuck) would finish it along with him. Every single time. After all, she and I have been keeping company for 41 years now... Peter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM And one for the girls For the third time dull Daphnis said Chloe You have told me my bosom is snowy You have made such remark on Each part of my person Now DO something, theirs a good boyi |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:18 AM There once was a man from St. Bees Who was stung on the ass by a wasp When asked "Does it hurt?" He replied "Yes it smarts, But it'd've be worse if it was a hornet" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:09 AM Eric: For the sake of the rhyme, that should be You have made much fine verse on Each part of my person. According to Legman (in _The Limerick_), that is his wife's favorite limerick. Elsewhere, IIRC, he says that it is most women's. Women, he says, generally dislike limericks for the same reason chickens dislike cookbooks, or words to that effect. One may also retreat to Edward Gorey, whose limericks seem to have been inspired more by Charles Addams than by Rabelais: The partition of Vavasour Scowles Was a sickener: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain Was found clogging a drain, And his toes were inside of some towels. To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his post-prandial tipple, `Your mother's behaviour Gave pain to Our Saviour, And that's why He made you a cripple.' |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:12 AM One from Spike Milligan: There was a young man named Wyatt Whose voice was exceedingly quiet And then one fine day it just faded away... |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 03 - 01:46 PM it just faded away... |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 04:37 PM Ha Ha! That's a lot of coding, BillD. There once was a poet named Dan Whose poetry never would scan When told this was so, He replied, "Yeah, I know... It's because I always seem to have to try and cram every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: musicmick Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:52 PM There once was a poet from Oxford Who said,"I wish people would understand That my limericks are as good as Anyone elses Even though they're written in free verse.". |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:56 PM There once was a man from the Sticks Whose limericks all went to line six He never did know How far they should go, So he never did bother to fix Them at all |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM Cluin..it's a lot of code, but no coding...I cheat and use a little program that does it for me. A careless old gasman named Peter, With a match poked around a gas heater. Touched a leak with his light, And rose out of sight, And as anyone who knows anything about the art of poetry can tell you, He also ruined the meter. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM I have trouble with rhythm and rhyme It's the same f__king thing every time It is never a chore Finding lines one thru four But it's that last line that always buggers things up |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 10:49 AM Since the subject was raised on another thread, here's a couple on a theme: We had a dinner and romantic walk And, through it all, had a wonderful talk But if truth be told, This silence is gold With your lips on the shaft of my cock I am tired of these fair praises sung About his mistress, acrobatic and young I know his wife is far finer There's no feeling divine-er Then when my penis slips over her tongue And, for equal time: Though, as a carpenter, I earn my pay I'm not great, but I guess I'm okay While most men don't require me, I know women will hire me For tongue-in-groove is my special forté |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:17 PM Women dislike Limericks as chickens dislike cook books? That's funny! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Gurney Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:55 PM Banjoman, when I heard that one, it was; A handsome policeman from Bath, once cut off his prick for a laugh. He fooled his wife, for the rest of her life, by judicious use of his staff. Must be that folk-process thing I've heard about. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM There was a young lady.... Wait! Cut!! You prob'ly thought you were in for some smut Some five-lined crescendo Full Of lewd innuendo? Well, you're wrong! This is anything but |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:34 PM There are in fact limericks that go beyond the canonical 5 lines. Perhaps the best known is There once was a whore from Alaska Who would make anybody who'd ask her. But then she turned nice And raised up her price Till nobody could make her but Jesus H. Christ, Or possibly John Jacob Astor. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 06 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen, So seldom are clean.... And clean ones so seldom are comical. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:29 PM Mr. Clinton awoke from a nap, With a sharp, biting pain in his lap "Holy crap!" cried our Billy, "It looks like my willy, Has been caught in an intern face trap!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peterr Date: 07 Dec 03 - 05:53 AM There was a young lady from Exeter So pretty that men craned their necks at 'er One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing part of his sex at 'er |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: annamill Date: 07 Dec 03 - 11:02 AM ok ok ok! My humble offering.. There was a young lady from Nizes Who had breasts of two different sizes One was small, nothing at all, The other was large and won prizes. I do so like limerics. I've read every single one AND I even laughed at a couple. Love, Annamill |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 07 Dec 03 - 01:25 PM A clever commercial female Had her prices tattooed on her tail And below her behind For the sake of the blind She'd a duplicate version in Braille |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 07 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM There once was a girl from Decatur Who got laid by a large alligator But no one ever knew Just how good she could screw 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her A stranded explorer named Lou Wired home for two punts, one canoe The reply came "OK. Two girls on the way But what in the hell's a panoe?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 07 Dec 03 - 10:23 PM An odd German lodger named Roger Knew a bodger whose todger was larger This old codger's menager Kissed and pawed your massager "I told yer, by gawd, yer a dodger!" Okay, so it don't make sense. By she rhymes like a bastard, don't she? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM There was a young lady from Wantage Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage The Borough Surveyor Said "Now you must must pay her" For you've altered the line of her frontage. There once was a lady called Dodd Who said she'd a baby from God But it wasn't the almighty Who'd lifted her nightie But Roger the lodger - the sod There was a young man from Rangoon Who was born nearly nine months too soon He hadn't the luck to be born from a f**k He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. And the yuckiest one - An old prostitute from the Azores Has a c**t that was covered in sores Even dogs in the street Wouldn't eat the green meat That hung in festoons from her drawers. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM An incautious young woman named Venn Was seen with the wrong sort of men; She vanished one day, But the following May Her legs were retrieved from a fen. From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, There is really abominable news: They've discovered a head In the box for the bread, But nobody seems to know whose. -- E. Gorey |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Raedwulf Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:59 PM There was a young man from Buckingham Who wrote "Bollocks & 12 ways of sucking 'em" He went berserk When outdone by a Turk Who wrote "Women & 12 ways of fucking 'em"! There was a young man from Devizes Whose bollocks were two different sizes One weighed a pound And dragged on the ground And the other's as big as a fly's is! There was a young lady named Hilda Who went for a walk with a builder He knew that he could And he should, and he would - And he did - and he goddamn near killed her! A chap down in Oklahoma Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, But the sweetness of pitch Couldn't put off the hitch Of impotence, size & aroma... A disgusting young man named McGill Made his neighbours exceedingly ill When they learned of his habits Concerning white rabbits And a bird with a flexible bill There was a young man of St Johns Who wanted to bugger the swans. "Oh no", said the porter, "You bugger my daughter, Them swans is reserved for the Dons." There was a young maid from Mobile Whose cunt was made of blue steel. She got her thrills Fom pneumatic drills And off centred emery wheels! There was a young student of Trinity Who shattered his sister's virginity He buggered his brother Had twins by his mother And took double honour in Divinity There once was a fellow from Beverley Who went in for shagging quite heavily He shagged night and day Till his bollocks gave way But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly When her daughter got married in Bicester Her mother remarked as she kissed her "That fellow you've won Is sure to be fun, Since tea he's shagged me & your sister!" And for variation: Mary had a little lamb, She also had a bear, I've often seen our Mary's lamb, But I've never seen her bare... |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bates from Birregurra Date: 08 Dec 03 - 09:57 PM There was a young girl from Aberistwyth Who took what to the mill to make grist with The millers son Jack Layed her flat on her back And united the organs they pissedwyth A plumber called Michael McGee Was plumbing a girl by the sea She said "Stop your plumbing I think someone's coming" He replied, "Yes there is.....and it's me" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Cletus Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:53 PM old favourites... There once was a dirty old whoore, Who poxed every prick that went through her. The smell of her twat once killed a rat That had lived all it's life down a sewer. A lady called Julia Sharkey, Spent a night in bed with a darkey. To atone for her sins, She had triplets, not twins, One black, one white and one khaki. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 08 Dec 03 - 11:14 PM SURE, Cletus...I'd plead anonymity, too I think it's getting kinda carried away...the plea in the first post for asterisks is being ignored, and *gross* is being substituted for *clever* in many cases.... and some are not reading previous posts and are posting the same one for the 3rd time. I'm not a prude, as you can see above, just wishing for some ...ummm...more careful selection. Just one man's opinion.*shrug* |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 09 Dec 03 - 04:55 AM A lass on safari called Lena Was seduced by a passing hyena Twas better she said Than a tumble in bed But as sex went it could have been cleaner The following are philosophical rather than dirty - the last one's relatively clever. There was a young student called Fred, Who was questioned on Descartes and said It's perfectly clear That I'm not really here, For I haven't a thought in my head. Catspaw when sober or pissed, Can be frequently heard to insist, Letting out a great fart: I follow Descartes I stink, so I therefore exist. There was a young lady called Bright Who could travel much faster than light She went out one day In a relative way And came home on the previous night |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah Date: 09 Dec 03 - 05:26 AM There was a young lady of Chichester Who made all the saints in their niches stir. One morning at Mass The curves of her ass Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Splott Man Date: 09 Dec 03 - 08:04 AM There was a young man from Dundee Who was horribly stung by a wasp When aked if it hurt He said no not at all it can do it again if it likes The was a young man from Japan Whose poems would never quite scan When asked why this was He said it's because I try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can OK, off theme but I like them |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 10 Dec 03 - 05:47 AM After Les Barker's "Dachshunds with errections can't climb stairs", here's a limerick that should also make your eyes water. There once was a Dachshund named Bert Whose chopper did rub in the dirt In the course of a day he wore it away And by gum it didn't half hurt ! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 10 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM There was once a young lady named Banker Who slept while the ship was at anchor, But she woke in surprise When she heard the crew's cries: "Now haul on the top sheet and spanker!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Snuffy Date: 10 Dec 03 - 08:40 PM There was a young lady from Hyde Who, no matter how hard she tried Could achieve no orgasm Not even a spasm No spark to ignite her inside |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Himself Date: 10 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM An ethnologist up with the Sioux Sent a telex "Send punt and canoe" The reply came next day "Girls on their way, But what on earth's a panoe" There was a young student called Jones, Who'd reduce young women to groans, By his intimate knowledge, Acquired at college, Of nineteen erogenous zones. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: longtimejoe Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:35 PM just composed one this morning while getting out of bed with the name of my clerk: Once a lovely young lady named judy Declared, "If you think that I´m moody, It´s cause so many men Just want to be ´friends` I need one who´s lookin´ fer booty. How´s zat? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM So, longtimejoe, what were you doing in bed with the name of your clerk? Where was the rest of her? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM This one isn't actually dirty, but it might raise more than memories for many males who frequent UK singarounds. A sexy folk singer called Noreen Makes singarounds anything but boring Though her perchant for seduction May lead to moral corruption. She always sets male pulse rates soaring. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Micca Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:28 AM A Folksinger name of Dave Bryant While trying to be Safety Compliant At Jack in the Green With Linda, Leather Queen In the back of a Robin Reliant While striving for "six-nine" perfecto There was too much "push-pull" not "reverso" As he passed "sixty four" he kicked open the door And was revealed in Flagrante delecto |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM I refute the above accusation - Linda and I have never tried to perform soixtante-neuf in the back of a Robin Reliant - there wouldn't be enough room. Now my old Volvo 740 was quite spacious . . . . |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:26 PM Not a limerick, but perhaps apropos: Wind, and sky, And sounding surf, And you and I And soixante-neuf. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 14 Dec 03 - 06:38 PM longtimejoe: That was pretty darn good. You have added to the folk literature (poetry section) of our time. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Guy Wolff Date: 14 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM My two faverites both learned from Gordon Titcomb bless him : There was a preacher of kings, who preached of heavenly things. but his secrest disire was a boy in the chior with a bum, like jelly, on springs. Under the spredding chestnut tree the village ediot sat amussing himself by abusing himself. and catching the stuff in his hat |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 29 Dec 03 - 12:48 AM Thank you all for contributing to the literature. This thread was a hoot. BM |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: freda underhill Date: 29 Dec 03 - 02:30 AM there once was a girl called Loreena whose swordsmanship couldn't be keener she sliced off a prick got rid of it quick and now lives with a lady called Sheena.. there once was a young man, named bobbit who bred like a bunny starved rabbit his hysterical wife took a blow with the knife now he can't ever rub it like Robert |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: The Barden of England Date: 29 Dec 03 - 08:58 AM There was a young man from Swaboda, Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her, So with great savoir fair, She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whisky and soda. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,big red Date: 24 Aug 04 - 04:59 PM I rather enjoy fat lasses with butts as thick as mollasses when I hit it from the back I cut them no slack 'til they start to secrete nauseus gases |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 25 Aug 04 - 07:17 AM There was a young man called Jack Bosham, Who took out his balls for to wash 'em His mother said Jack If you don't put 'em back I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em eric |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Chris Green Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:08 PM There was a young monk from Algeria Whose morals were somewhat inferior One night for some fun He knocked off a nun And now she's the Mother Superior. I saw this bloke on television Who signed up for a cheap circumcision But the blade slipped somehow And unfortunately now He's testicularly deficient. There was a young fellow called Reg Who was shagging a girl in hedge When along came his wife With a large carving knife And cut off his meat and two veg. And on a cleaner note There was a young man from Japan Whose limericks just wouldn't scan When they asked him why He replied "Because I Like to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can!" I started this one but am stuck for rhymes. There was a young man from Sri Lanka.. Any suggestions gratefully accepted! (fnar fnar!) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Georgiansilver Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:16 PM Who wanted to work on a tanker. But oh what a clown, It would be a comedown. Cause he was a Merchant Banker. Best wishes. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Chris Green Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:26 PM I'm impressed! And with such alacrity too! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah Date: 26 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM There was a young man from Sri Lanka Who was an incurable wanker. When a young girl called Dimity Removed his virginity The bugger did not even thank her. Time taken, 2 mins 48 sec. Ah, benefits of being a Primary English teacher! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Jack Date: 11 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM There was a young girl called Alana With a cunt like a feeding pirhana She would nip of the tools Of horny young fools Who thought they were reachung nirvana |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Red Thunder Date: 27 Apr 07 - 06:34 PM You guys forgot one there once was a man from peru, he fell asleep in his canoe, while dreaming of venus, he paddled his penis, then he woke with a hand full of goo. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:05 PM There was once a young fellow named Rand Who sat seeing the sights in the sand. "My problem," said he, "Is as hard as can be, But I think I can take it in hand." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:42 PM An ardent young miss named Bathsheba Was seduced by a German amoeba Who would writhe on her belly In a petulant jelly And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe" There was a young lady named Alice Who pissed in an Anglican chalice She remarked, "I do this From desire to piss And not from sectarian malice." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: iancarterb Date: 27 Apr 07 - 11:17 PM I've loved the genre since first hearing Oscar Brand's vinyl albums of Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads. This did not come from Oscar's collection, but I haven't seen it go by in the thread. There was a young lady from Wheeling Who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back And tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 28 Apr 07 - 02:49 AM An explorer out in Peru, Sent home for two punts and a canoe, The answer next day, Said, girls on the way, But what the fuck's a panoe ? eric |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 28 Apr 07 - 08:19 AM Another young lady in Wheeling Maintained she had no sexual feeling 'Till a cynic, named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Charley Noble Date: 28 Apr 07 - 04:43 PM Just a couple of family favorites which I don't think I've seen posted: There was a young widow named Brice, Who kept her dead husband on ice; She said, "T'was hard when I lost him, But I'll never defrost him; He's rather cold comfort but nice." There once was a poet named McNamiter, Whose tool was of prodigious diameter; But it wasn't the size, Gave the gals the surprise, T'was his rhythm – iambic pentameter. There was a young man from Bombay Who sailed to China one day, Of the pox he did worry, So he dabbed on some curry, And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh! Cheerily, Charley Noble |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:46 AM There was a young girl from Madras, Who lay on her back,in the grass- With fingers so slim, She tickled her quim, 'til it foamed, like a bottle of Bass.! There was a young sailor from Wales, An expert at pissing in gales -- He could piss in a jar, From the topgallant spar, Without even wetting the sails ! There was an old man from Dundee, Who came home as drunk as could be- He undid the lock With the end of his cock And rogered his wife with the key. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:55 AM But I really prefer the clean ones !! Viz-- The chief stewardess of a Boeing, When asked "Which way are we going ? " Said " Our navigator Is joining us later-- 'til then, we have no way of knowing ! " OR- A silly young fellow from Yuma , Told an "Elephant Joke" to a puma-- Now his skeleton lies Under hot desert skies. ( The puma had no sense of huma ) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 29 Apr 07 - 03:54 AM The Limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene. eric |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:18 AM Well, it must be the shape of the thing That give the old limerick wing Those airy conceits And accordion pleats Pull it up like a kite on a string. There was a maths student from Trinity Who solved the square root of infinity But it gave him such fidgets To count up the digits He chucked math, and took up divinity. A physicist chappie named Bright Could travel much faster than light He set off one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night See, I do know some clean ones. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:14 AM There are three types of Limericks, 1. Limericks which can be told when women are present. 2. Limericks which can be told when clergymen are present but women are not. 3. LIMERICKS eric |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:47 PM I used to know loads, but I have forgotten them. So I have written some ! Here"s two to start off ----( I was in the Navy for some years, and it may seem obvious !! ) A gay ,Belfast sailor called Sid, Tried to bugger himself with a fid : He smeared it with lard, And sat down on it hard, But it split him in half ( so it did ). There was a young sailor called Tim, Who fancied the cabin-boy ( Jim )---- After several gropes, Tim showed Jim the ropes: Now Jim's a REAL sailor, like him !! More to follow ( and no, I am not gay --just nautical !! ) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Schantieman Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:42 PM This one has cropped up at least three times so far in its respectable version. This version ain't. There once once a man from Japan Whose poetry never would scan When asked for the reason He said, "When in season I always try to fuck as many beautiful delicious and sexy young girls as I possibly can". A fellow who came from St Paul's Used to tour all the old music halls His favourite trick Was to stand on his prick And to roll of the stage on his balls. Now, where did I put that book of Rugby songs.....? |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: JohnInKansas Date: 30 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM Several requests have been made for limericks about something other than coitus and buggery, and for proper use of the ASS-Tu-Risk (*). Substituting deviant grammar for smut, there's the classic(?): Mary had a little car She drove it very brisk But Mary didn't care because She only had her * OK Bill? John |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 01 May 07 - 03:17 AM Here is one about cactus ,then. A sad botanist said " It"s a fact, I Do seem to have lost several cacti !!- Someone"s thrown them away: My wife, I dare say !" ( He was quite right--DUX FEMINA FACTI ) Nothing coital or anal about that( is there ??) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 01 May 07 - 03:31 AM A Norwegian poet called Fisk, Knew he was running the risk, That his rhymes might affront Some sensitive ****, By not using the full Asterisk. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 01 May 07 - 01:27 PM There once was a harlot named Rhoda Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda. She festooned the walls Of the halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who bestrode 'er. I do admire internal rhymes. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 01 May 07 - 05:38 PM There once was a woman named Perkins She simply doted on Gherkins In spite of advice, she ate so much spice She pickled her internal workings. See, I know some clean ones too. I got that one from an old time radio program called "IT pays to be ignorant". Three comics would be on once a week, and it was nothing but sillyness for half an hour. Someone would mention a city, Chicago for instance, and another would say, "I used to work in that town!" "Really? what did you do thetre"? "I was a minister in a shoe factory. I saved souls." Cornball humor at its worst. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Amos Date: 01 May 07 - 06:29 PM A lady in Boston, quite lewd Went and walked down the street in the nude! A police man said "What am- Agnificent bottom!" And smacked it as hard as he could! A |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 01 May 07 - 08:43 PM A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, And a man down in front Hollered out, "I smell ****" -- Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bruce Michael Baillie Date: 02 May 07 - 01:29 AM There once was a young girl called Mary spent the night with a man in a dairy now heaven forbid, I won't say what they did but next morning his tongue was all hairy There once was a fellow from Wales who dined on dogs bollocks and snails when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese that he scraped from his knob with his nails There once was a young chap called Howells who lived on the contents of bowels when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese and the suckings of santitary towels ...I doubt there'll be any worse than that! |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dickey Date: 02 May 07 - 11:33 PM There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit but look at the money I save. There once was a man a man from Australia Who painted his arse like an azalea The colours were bright and also devine But the smell, Ooooh that was a failyah. There once was a man from Boston, Who purchased himself an Austin There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out and he lost 'em |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: catspaw49 Date: 03 May 07 - 12:23 AM As I sat by the duchess at tea She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" And felt it was one up for me. Still I sat by the Duchess at tea When she asked if an eggplant I ever did see? I replied "Yes," rather bored And she said, "Sir, you've explored" "Up a hen's ass much further than me." A young woman named Jenny McNair Was had by a man all covered in hair. Then he took off his hat And she realized that She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear. A pretty young lass from Norway Hung by her heels in the doorway She told her young man Get off that divan I think I've discovered one more way. There was a young miss named Ann Hiser Who claimed that no man could surprise her But when Pabst took a chance He found Schlitz in her pants So now he is sadder Budweiser. Spaw |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Mike Miller Date: 03 May 07 - 01:14 AM I am emboldened to offer an original. Sure as "mug shots" yield non-words like "muggery", Sure as grave robbers gave us "skullduggery", There's a six legged lass With a cock up her ass, The true ant-ecedant of "buggery". Mike |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 03 May 07 - 08:55 AM There once was a man named McGruder Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda The nude thought it crude To be wooed in the nude But McGruder was cruder. He screw'd 'er. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Schantieman Date: 03 May 07 - 03:16 PM not quite a limerick.... She offered her honour He honoured her offer And all the long night He was on 'er and off 'er. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dickey Date: 03 May 07 - 08:49 PM The Captain had a cabin boy He loved him like a brother and every night by candle light they cornholed one another. Oh cabin boy oh cabin boy you dirty little nipper you lined your ass with busted glass and circumcised the skipper. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 03 May 07 - 09:12 PM The ass of a student named Bear Was entirely covered with hair. His roommate (a queer) Said "Certainly, dear -- With the greatest of pleasure -- but where?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: catspaw49 Date: 03 May 07 - 09:45 PM A slightly different take on the limerick above that Dick posted.......... There once was a man named Magruder Met a girl in the nude So he wooed her! Though she thought it crude To be wooed in the nude Magruder was shrewd and he screwed her. Spaw |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,matti Date: 09 May 07 - 09:40 PM There once was a man from kanass Who's nuts were made out of brass in stormy weather he'd clack them together and lightning shot out of his ass |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: iancarterb Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM I heard Matti's post with a song included: There was an old man from Madras Whose balls were bright solid brass. When he clanged them together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightening shot out of his ass. One of my favorites, learned from my brother more than fifty years ago. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM A horny machinist named Deal, Had an organ that was made of blue steel. He got all his thrills From pneumatic drills And offset emery wheels. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 10 May 07 - 10:29 PM There once was a man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave and convex, It would fit either sex, And took care of itself in between. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 11 May 07 - 11:16 AM ...with attachments for those in between. ...and was perfectly simple to clean. P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 11 May 07 - 11:20 AM Another variant on Dick and 'Spaw's: A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda. He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder. She said, "It is lewd To be wooed in the nude!" But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her. P. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Adrianel Date: 12 May 07 - 10:24 PM Schantieman: "A lass from the Isle of Wight, Was out with her boyfriend one night. She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, And was on 'er and off 'er all night." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 13 May 07 - 09:08 PM There was once a young fellow named Skinner Who invited his lady to dinner. They sat down to dine At a quarter to nine, And by quarter past ten, it was in her. (The dinner, not Skinner!) |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ibo Date: 14 May 07 - 10:50 AM i have an unusual prick it looks like a plum on a stick ive heard it tastes nice, so i,ll keep it in ice and later i,ll give you a lick |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 14 May 07 - 10:52 AM Guest ibo: You did it! You produced one I hadn't known. I assumed it couldn't be done. Did you write it? Peter |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ibo Date: 14 May 07 - 11:01 AM y yes,it was me,im full of shitty limericks jill had a very fat arse it was larger than neptune and mars and the hole in the centre you never could enter she,d fitted in prison cell bars |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ibo Date: 14 May 07 - 11:28 AM my wife has a tatoo you see its six inches above her left knee its a shell,and its queer if you put close your ear i swear you can smell the north sea |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 14 May 07 - 12:17 PM And another young fellow named Tupper Once invited his lady to supper; The supper was great Served a little past eight And by eight forty five It was up her. Not Tupper. Not the supper But Skinner (that bastard got around). |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ibo Date: 14 May 07 - 01:19 PM my incredible cheesey peas knob leaves a terrible taste in yer gob she asked me quite rightly if i could politely wear an apple and cream flavoured blob |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,sinky Date: 14 May 07 - 01:32 PM my wife asked me to trim her pubes so the flymow and strimmer i used i burnt all the hair but its really not fair that the fire made national news |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,ibo Date: 15 May 07 - 07:34 AM i once met a fox of a girl a real boro beauty called Pearl at the end of the night what a terrible fright to find out her real name was Earl |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Marc Date: 17 May 07 - 08:08 PM A couple of 'em to add... There was a young woman named Alice Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina And part of her anus in Dallas. or... There was a man from St. Clair Who tooled his chick on the stair. But the bannister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished the job in the air. |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: early Date: 17 May 07 - 08:41 PM there was a young man from weston super mare enjoying his girlfriend on the stair on the ninety ninth stroke the bannister broke so he finished her off n midair |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Franz Date: 18 May 07 - 09:12 AM There once was a young man from Brighton Who said to a tart "You're a tight one…" She said, "'Pon my soul! You're in the wrong hole! There's plenty of room in the right one…" |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 18 May 07 - 10:25 PM Aliter: There was once a young fellow from Brighton, Who thought he'd at last found a tight one. Said he, "Ah, my love, It fits like a glove," But she said, "You're not in the right one." |
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: robertobyrnes Date: 12 Oct 10 - 06:31 AM Hey guys, i'm new to this site. i'm from down under (Australia) and i've got a bagful of original bawdy limericks inspired by place names from the land of Oz. there's a selection at my blog aussielimerickman.blogspot.com. here's a taste: An aviator from Campbelltown Achieved much local renown By inseminating The girl he was dating While flying his plane upside down. An innocent lass from Nambucca Liked to sprinkle bird seed on her tucker She grew feathers down where You'd expect to find hair And all the blokes wanted to pluck her. There was a young lady from Clare Whose chest was all covered in hair Most blokes called it quits After fondling her tits But most chimpanzees didn't care. cheers roberto |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Cori Date: 03 Nov 18 - 11:06 PM Okay, this one is killing me. In the young adult novel "William and Mary," by Penelope Farmer, William, who is visiting Mary's family, starts to recite a poem at the dinner table which Mary knows ends with a very rude line indeed. Mary waits, wondering if William will really say *that* in front of her parents. He gets as far as, "Then Will--," pretends to forget how it ends, and asks Mary if she remembers, causing her to lose composure. Does anyone know if this is a real limerick, or made up for the story? Thanks. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Nov 18 - 01:47 AM Does anyone know what you are talking about ? Dave H |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: topical tom Date: 04 Nov 18 - 04:28 PM There once was a man named Lee Who was plumbing his girl by the sea She said "Stop your plumbing I hear someone coming!" "Tee Hee", said Lee, "It;s meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" or somewhat dirtier There once was a maid named "Lahore" Whose ass was all covered with sores. The dogs in the street used to lap aT the meat that hung in green gobs from her drawers. said Lee, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: topical tom Date: 04 Nov 18 - 04:43 PM There once was a gay named Dick Broom Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night as to who had the right To do wat and with what and to whom. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Bill D Date: 04 Nov 18 - 06:05 PM In recent years, it seems folks are just tossing in something they almost know that is almost a limerick, rather than reading the thread to see it might have been posted 3-4 times before in a more coherent form. Who me? A critic? naawwww... |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST Date: 05 Nov 18 - 03:58 AM Hello Bill - I've read them all and this one's not in it: There was a young chap from Cape Horn Who wished that he'd never been born And he wouldn't have been If his mother had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. and one more, the best I've got because it's legally sound: There was a young lawyer named Rex Who had a small organ of sex When arraigned for exposure He said, with composure "De minimus not curat lex" (the law does not concern itself with small things): a reasonable defence, surely Jon Bartlett |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Thompson Date: 05 Nov 18 - 05:04 AM I used to find these hilarious. Perhaps it's that I don't have any particular shame about sex that they now seem dull and sadistic? |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Bill D Date: 05 Nov 18 - 10:25 AM Nice additions, Jon Bartlett! |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Dave Hanson Date: 05 Nov 18 - 11:02 AM Probaly posted before but worth repeating. There was a young man from Buckingham, Who stood on the bridge at Upingham, Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks, Who were fucking 'em. Dave H |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Joe_F Date: 05 Nov 18 - 06:13 PM There was once a young man from Nantucket Who went down to hell in a bucket. When asked to come out, He'd just sit there and shout "Up your arseholes, ye buggers! And suck it! |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Gealt Date: 05 Nov 18 - 06:41 PM There was once a young fellow named Skinner Who invited his lady to dinner. They sat down to dine At a quarter to nine, And by quarter past ten, it was in her. (The dinner, not Skinner!) Skinner was in her before dinner. There was a young girl from Tralee Who was stung in the neck by a wasp. When asked if it hurt, She said I don't mind. You can do it again if you like. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: BobL Date: 06 Nov 18 - 02:22 AM Dave H, why are they worth repeating? Unless the earlier post is a corrupt version and the later the original. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Cori Date: 08 Nov 18 - 09:31 PM Reposting because I don't know how to edit or delete the earlier message, which someone who knows how can. The first line of the poem is the same as the title of the book, "William and Mary." All that is repeated in the book is "William and Mary" and "Then Will--." Does anyone know if there is any more to it? Okay, this one is killing me. In the young adult novel "William and Mary," by Penelope Farmer, William, who is visiting Mary's family, starts to recite a poem at the dinner table which Mary knows ends with a very rude line indeed. Mary waits, wondering if William will really say *that* in front of her parents. He gets as far as, "Then Will--," pretends to forget how it ends, and asks Mary if she remembers, causing her to lose composure. Does anyone know if this is a real limerick, or made up for the story? Thanks. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Bugsy Date: 11 Nov 18 - 10:00 AM A young Girl, FROM THE Kyber Pass Had quite a remarkable ass, Not rounded and pink As you probably think It was grey, had long ers and ate grass. Cheers Bugsy |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Stewie Date: 11 Nov 18 - 07:54 PM Hi Bugsy, I trust you are well. Here's one that Lawler's ex-wife taught me back in the day: There was a young lady from Bude Who danced on the stage in the nude Said a bloke in the front: '(slurping noise) I smell cunt Just like that - right out loud! Fucking rude! --Stewie |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Bill D Date: 11 Nov 18 - 08:32 PM Titian, while mixing rose madder, Had a model pose nude on a ladder. The position to Titian Suggested coition, So he climbed up the ladder and had her. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Bugsy Date: 12 Nov 18 - 02:28 AM Hi Stewie, I'm muddling along fine mate. Every day above grounds a blessing, as they say. A young girl who'd fallen from grace, Found her corsets, no longer would lace. Her mother said, "Nelly, there's more in your belly, than ever went in through your face" Cheers Bugsy |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Billyboyblueeyes Date: 24 Sep 22 - 01:01 PM Bill gets into Linda's pants Makes her sweet pussy dance To the tune of his cock Together they both rock To a climax they quickly advance |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Billyboyblueeyes Date: 24 Sep 22 - 01:09 PM Bill loves Linda's tight twat But Dorothy's he has forgot not Which he does entreat To insert his large meat In Dorothy's hot twat quite a lot |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: John MacKenzie Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:04 PM Sad to note how many of the contributors to this thread are no longer with us :( |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Georgiansilver Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:41 PM There was a young man from Hunts, Who stood on a bridge at Buckingham, Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking'em. |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Joe_F Date: 24 Sep 22 - 06:36 PM There once was a Scottish musician Who preferred 69 to coition. Said he, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "It's all part of our oral tradition.' |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST,Ray Date: 25 Sep 22 - 08:12 AM There was a young woman from Bude Who went for a swim in a lake A man in a punt, stuck his pole in her ear And said “You can’t swim here, it’s Private” Oft’ used, and presumably written,by the late Tony Capstick |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST, CJB Date: 29 Sep 22 - 03:07 AM Any limericks about Megs & Hasbeen? |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: GUEST Date: 29 Sep 22 - 06:41 AM A variation on one above: There once was a plumber from Leigh, Plumbing his girl by the sea. Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "IT'S ME!!!" |
Subject: RE: Folklore: Dirty limericks [12] From: Mrrzy Date: 29 Sep 22 - 07:50 PM Oscar Brand. Ay, ayayay... |
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