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Folklore: Dirty limericks [12]

Peace 02 Dec 03 - 02:04 PM
kendall 02 Dec 03 - 02:11 PM
Midchuck 02 Dec 03 - 02:12 PM
Midchuck 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM
Peace 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM
Joe_F 02 Dec 03 - 03:11 PM
Cluin 02 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM
greg stephens 02 Dec 03 - 03:37 PM
GUEST,pdq 02 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM
GUEST,ClaireBear 02 Dec 03 - 04:23 PM
ThomasO 02 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM
Peace 02 Dec 03 - 04:58 PM
GUEST,petr 02 Dec 03 - 05:05 PM
Alaska Mike 02 Dec 03 - 05:06 PM
Raedwulf 02 Dec 03 - 05:08 PM
Bill D 02 Dec 03 - 05:58 PM
Bill D 02 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM
Dave the Gnome 02 Dec 03 - 06:15 PM
Rapparee 02 Dec 03 - 06:40 PM
Alaska Mike 02 Dec 03 - 06:50 PM
pixieofdoom 02 Dec 03 - 06:53 PM
Peace 02 Dec 03 - 07:32 PM
GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo 02 Dec 03 - 07:53 PM
kendall 02 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM
Snuffy 02 Dec 03 - 08:12 PM
GUEST,Obie 02 Dec 03 - 08:24 PM
Cluin 02 Dec 03 - 09:05 PM
Alaska Mike 02 Dec 03 - 09:35 PM
Rapparee 02 Dec 03 - 10:32 PM
Bill D 02 Dec 03 - 10:35 PM
GUEST,pdq 03 Dec 03 - 01:30 PM
musicmick 03 Dec 03 - 01:47 PM
Cluin 03 Dec 03 - 02:31 PM
Fred (Beetle) Bailey 03 Dec 03 - 03:27 PM
Midchuck 03 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM
mike the knife 03 Dec 03 - 03:54 PM
kendall 03 Dec 03 - 04:27 PM
C-flat 03 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM
Cluin 03 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM
Bill D 03 Dec 03 - 05:53 PM
Joe_F 03 Dec 03 - 06:41 PM
Cluin 03 Dec 03 - 07:00 PM
Leadfingers 03 Dec 03 - 07:19 PM
kendall 03 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM
GUEST 03 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM
Bill D 03 Dec 03 - 07:47 PM
Bill D 03 Dec 03 - 08:03 PM
Bill D 03 Dec 03 - 08:45 PM
Midchuck 03 Dec 03 - 10:51 PM
Rapparee 03 Dec 03 - 11:07 PM
Seamus Kennedy 04 Dec 03 - 01:36 AM
Gurney 04 Dec 03 - 04:20 AM
GUEST,banjoman 04 Dec 03 - 05:44 AM
Cluin 04 Dec 03 - 07:29 AM
Dave Hanson 04 Dec 03 - 07:44 AM
kendall 04 Dec 03 - 08:15 AM
Steve Parkes 04 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM
Midchuck 04 Dec 03 - 09:10 AM
Dave Hanson 04 Dec 03 - 09:50 AM
Joe_F 04 Dec 03 - 11:58 AM
Midchuck 04 Dec 03 - 12:21 PM
Cluin 04 Dec 03 - 12:24 PM
GUEST,Bill Kennedy 04 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM
Bill D 04 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM
kendall 04 Dec 03 - 03:15 PM
Bill D 04 Dec 03 - 03:24 PM
GUEST 04 Dec 03 - 07:50 PM
vectis 04 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM
pixieofdoom 04 Dec 03 - 08:51 PM
Midchuck 04 Dec 03 - 09:26 PM
Dave Hanson 04 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM
Cluin 05 Dec 03 - 08:18 AM
Joe_F 05 Dec 03 - 11:09 AM
Cluin 05 Dec 03 - 11:12 AM
Bill D 05 Dec 03 - 01:46 PM
Cluin 05 Dec 03 - 04:37 PM
musicmick 05 Dec 03 - 06:52 PM
Cluin 05 Dec 03 - 06:56 PM
Bill D 05 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM
Cluin 06 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM
Cluin 06 Dec 03 - 10:49 AM
kendall 06 Dec 03 - 04:17 PM
Gurney 06 Dec 03 - 04:55 PM
Cluin 06 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM
Joe_F 06 Dec 03 - 06:34 PM
Bill D 06 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM
Cluin 06 Dec 03 - 08:29 PM
Peterr 07 Dec 03 - 05:53 AM
annamill 07 Dec 03 - 11:02 AM
Leadfingers 07 Dec 03 - 01:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM
Cluin 07 Dec 03 - 10:23 PM
Dave Bryant 08 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM
Joe_F 08 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM
Raedwulf 08 Dec 03 - 07:59 PM
GUEST,Bates from Birregurra 08 Dec 03 - 09:57 PM
GUEST,Cletus 08 Dec 03 - 10:53 PM
Bill D 08 Dec 03 - 11:14 PM
Dave Bryant 09 Dec 03 - 04:55 AM
GUEST,Ooh-Aah 09 Dec 03 - 05:26 AM
Splott Man 09 Dec 03 - 08:04 AM
Dave Bryant 10 Dec 03 - 05:47 AM
Joe_F 10 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM
Snuffy 10 Dec 03 - 08:40 PM
GUEST,Himself 10 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM
longtimejoe 10 Dec 03 - 11:35 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 10 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM
Dave Bryant 11 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM
Micca 11 Dec 03 - 11:28 AM
Dave Bryant 11 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM
Joe_F 11 Dec 03 - 12:26 PM
Peace 14 Dec 03 - 06:38 PM
Guy Wolff 14 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM
Peace 29 Dec 03 - 12:48 AM
freda underhill 29 Dec 03 - 02:30 AM
The Barden of England 29 Dec 03 - 08:58 AM
GUEST,big red 24 Aug 04 - 04:59 PM
Dave Hanson 25 Aug 04 - 07:17 AM
Chris Green 25 Aug 04 - 12:08 PM
Georgiansilver 25 Aug 04 - 12:16 PM
Chris Green 25 Aug 04 - 12:26 PM
GUEST,Ooh-Aah 26 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM
GUEST,Jack 11 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM
GUEST,Red Thunder 27 Apr 07 - 06:34 PM
Joe_F 27 Apr 07 - 09:05 PM
dick greenhaus 27 Apr 07 - 09:42 PM
iancarterb 27 Apr 07 - 11:17 PM
Dave Hanson 28 Apr 07 - 02:49 AM
Midchuck 28 Apr 07 - 08:19 AM
Charley Noble 28 Apr 07 - 04:43 PM
bubblyrat 29 Apr 07 - 02:46 AM
bubblyrat 29 Apr 07 - 02:55 AM
Dave Hanson 29 Apr 07 - 03:54 AM
dick greenhaus 30 Apr 07 - 12:18 AM
Dave Hanson 30 Apr 07 - 01:14 AM
bubblyrat 30 Apr 07 - 12:47 PM
Schantieman 30 Apr 07 - 01:42 PM
JohnInKansas 30 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM
bubblyrat 01 May 07 - 03:17 AM
bubblyrat 01 May 07 - 03:31 AM
dick greenhaus 01 May 07 - 01:27 PM
kendall 01 May 07 - 05:38 PM
Amos 01 May 07 - 06:29 PM
Joe_F 01 May 07 - 08:43 PM
GUEST,Bruce Michael Baillie 02 May 07 - 01:29 AM
Dickey 02 May 07 - 11:33 PM
catspaw49 03 May 07 - 12:23 AM
Mike Miller 03 May 07 - 01:14 AM
dick greenhaus 03 May 07 - 08:55 AM
Schantieman 03 May 07 - 03:16 PM
Dickey 03 May 07 - 08:49 PM
Joe_F 03 May 07 - 09:12 PM
catspaw49 03 May 07 - 09:45 PM
GUEST,matti 09 May 07 - 09:40 PM
iancarterb 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM
Bill D 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM
Joe_F 10 May 07 - 10:29 PM
Midchuck 11 May 07 - 11:16 AM
Midchuck 11 May 07 - 11:20 AM
Adrianel 12 May 07 - 10:24 PM
Joe_F 13 May 07 - 09:08 PM
GUEST,ibo 14 May 07 - 10:50 AM
Midchuck 14 May 07 - 10:52 AM
GUEST,ibo 14 May 07 - 11:01 AM
GUEST,ibo 14 May 07 - 11:28 AM
dick greenhaus 14 May 07 - 12:17 PM
GUEST,ibo 14 May 07 - 01:19 PM
GUEST,sinky 14 May 07 - 01:32 PM
GUEST,ibo 15 May 07 - 07:34 AM
GUEST,Marc 17 May 07 - 08:08 PM
early 17 May 07 - 08:41 PM
GUEST,Franz 18 May 07 - 09:12 AM
Joe_F 18 May 07 - 10:25 PM
robertobyrnes 12 Oct 10 - 06:31 AM
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Subject: BS: Raunchy limericks
From: Peace
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:04 PM

Limericks ain't been done to death until there is no humour left in the world. How about the best one or two you've heard (with the really bad words censored so that we all will know what they are)? NO FRIGGIN' EDWARD LEER, unless it's really dirty.

Here's for starters.

There once was a girl named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus;
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And parts of her anus in Dallas.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:11 PM

There once was a fella named Jock
He tied mandolin strings to his cock
When he got an erection
He could play any selection
From Johanne Sebastian Bach.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:12 PM

Kendall, you ready to double-team this poor guy?

Let's see....

Far from the dirtiest, but one with a really nice flow...

As Titian was mixing Rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition
So he climed up the ladder and had 'er.

Next?

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM

No, no, Kendall.

It goes:

A young man from old Little Rock
Was born with a two-headed cock.
When he fondled the thing
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

There was young lady in Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
She often said, "Shit,
I would give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches!"

But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet.
Still, it would be diverting
To see him inserting
The thing while it sang a duet.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peace
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 02:15 PM

This is a corruption of one written by Isaac Asimov. I can't quite remember the original.

There once was a fellow named Adam,
I'll tell you his tale, it's a glad 'un;
He thought with great mirth
On the day of his birth,
There were two balls on Earth, and he had 'em.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:11 PM

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinocerous.
Said she, with a shriek,
"His horn is unique
And leaves the men looking preposterous."

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
But between butch and bitch
Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

The youth who frequent picture palaces
Have no use for psychoanalysis.
Altho Dr Freud
Is distinctly annoyed,
They cling to their long-standing fallacies.

You can smoke a symbolic cigar.
You can ride in a long, sexy car.
But a phallic church steeple,
To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM

An athletic young lad named O'Hare
Was boffing a girl on the stair
When the bannister broke,
He doubled his stroke
And polished her off in mid-air


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: greg stephens
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:37 PM

Do cock and Bach rhyme properly in an American accent? I cant quite visualise it(that's the wrong word, auralise it, or something).
Sorry, thread creep.I'd better contribute something to get on track.
There ws a young man from Pitlochry
Who seduced a young girl on a rockery
she said as he come
All over her bum
That's not a f**k that's a mockery

(Note the asterisks, I would hate to be accused of being rude)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM

There was a young man named brucie
Who fell in love with a moosie
      He had not been warned
      That the ones with the horns
Are the ones which have not a poosie


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ClaireBear
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:23 PM

There once was a charming young miss
Who went down to the river to read.
A young man in a punt
Stuck his arm in her eye
And now when she reads, she needs glasses.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: ThomasO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM

There was a young girl from St Helens
Who had quite fantastical melons
they were big it is true
but her c**t was big two
as big as a full colour aerial view
of Cape Horn and the straights of Magellen.

I thank you!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peace
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:58 PM

Dear Greg,

Yes, they do. Additionally, I think you might want to visualise it instead of aur--oh, pardon me a million times. I see which you mean now! How foolish of me. Nasty thought on my part.

Bruce


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:05 PM

well there was a worldwide limerick writing contest
and the surprise winner was an elderly Irish lady,
who ousted the current champion of 10 years.
when he found out about it he had to go over and meet her
and hear the limerick.

When he finally got to the small Irish village in where she lived
he asked her to say the limerick - which she declined as it is not
to polite to say in person..
he finally said just blank the dirty words and I can fill in the rest

she said ok...
da dadada
da dadada
da dadada da da
and they fucked in a bucket of shite.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:06 PM

There once was a nun from Siberier,
Who had a virgin interior.
Until a monk
Crawled into her bunk,
And now she's a mother superior.

Then of course, there was the fellow from Nantucket, but I'm not going to go there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Raedwulf
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:08 PM

A similar one to Claire's is

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a pond
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in the water
And said "You can't swim here, it's private!"

"Pole" for "arm" is so much more suggestive, I feel (fnarr-fnarr)...


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:58 PM

There once was a mathematician
Who preferred an exotic position.
'Twas the joy of his life
To achieve with his wife
Topologically complex coition.

Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
   Dit-elle, "Arrêtez!
   J'entends quelqu'un venait"
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi!"

Es gibt ein Plummer von Tinz,
Er schläft mit ein Mädel von Linz.
   Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
   Ich höre Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht", sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz".


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM

So here was this fellow of Strensall,
Whose penis was shaped like a pencil.
   'Twas anemic, 'tis true,
   But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.

A sensual nympho, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
   While the man detumesced,'
   She spent on with zest..
Her rapture sheer anachronism.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:15 PM

There was a young man from Peel Green
Who invented a wanking machine
On the 99th stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his poor bollocks to cream.

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said "It's disgusting
But it only needs dusting
And think of the money I'll save"

Well, you did say dirty...

Cheers

:D (tG)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:40 PM

The rector of Dustin St. Just
Consumed with canonical lust
Raped the Bishop's prize owls
His precious young fowls,
And a little green lizard, what bust.

There was a young fellow named Green
Who invented a f***ing machine
Both concave and convex
It would serve either sex
And service itself in between.

There was a young lady from Madras
Who had a most magnificant ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think,
But gray, had long ears and ate grass.

The last time I slept with the Queen
She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien."
(No, I don't think I'll finish this one.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:50 PM

A beautiful girl named Egret,
Would twiddle herself while she slept.
And when she would cream
She'd wake up from her dream,
And consider herself quite adept.

There was a cockmaster named Bob,
He was huge from his balls to his knob.
No matter how large the chasm,
He could bring an orgasm.
For Bob was quite good at his job.

There once was a cowboy from Dallas
Who masterbated his phallus.
He rubbed and he played,
Til he wore away.
And now there is nothing but callus.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 06:53 PM

There was a yound artist named Saint
Who swallowed some samples of paint
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint

There was a gay man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what, and with which and to whom


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peace
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:32 PM

Rapaire, you dog, at least put the rest of the limerick in code. That'll help me with the other one. ;)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:53 PM

There was a young lady named Heather
Her pussy was made out of leather
She attracted the boys by making a noise
Rubbing its edges together.

A mathmetician named Hall
Had a hexihedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.

The was a hermit named Dave
He dug a dead whore from her grave
She was moldy as shit
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved. (Sorry Dave)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM

There once was a heathen Chinee
Who humped an ape in a tree
The result was quite horrid
All arse, no forhead
Three balls and a purple goatee.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:12 PM

The last time I dined with the King
He did a peculiar thing
He sat on a stool
And pulled out his tool
And said "If I play, will you sing?"

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

A young couple from Aberystwyth
United the organs they kissed with
By turns and degrees
On their hands and their knees
They got to the organs they pissed with


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Obie
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 08:24 PM

My favourite:
   There was a young lady from Thrace
   Who's corset grew too tight to lace
   Says her mother to Nellie, "There's more in your belly
   Than ever went in through your face."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:05 PM

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who forever was jerkin' his gherkin
His father said "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's fer ferkin', not jerkin'"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:35 PM

I was just in the Mudchat room talking with jimmyt and he mentioned that at one time he was thinking about buying an abandoned whorehouse in Tubac, Arizona. I couldn't help writing this limerick.


Once a dentist named Jimmy the Man,
Bought a whorehouse as his financial plan,
But the whores wouldn't work,
So he said with a smirk,
"I guess I'll just run it by hand."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:32 PM

There were two old maids of Birmingham
And this is the story concernin' 'em.
The lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the bishop as he was confirmin' 'em.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 10:35 PM

from memory, for Brucie:

The last time I slept with the Queen
She smiled as I muttered, "Ich dien."

   "Please put the light out,
   It's royalty's night out.
The queen may be had, but not seen".

If that's the one Rapaire knows, I have no idea why he wouldn't finish it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:30 PM

mainly for jimmyt and Alaska Mike...


There was a young punk in a cadillac
Who spent his time listening to Tupac
       We put a bomb, so neat
       Under the moron's front seat
And pieces landed from here to Tubac


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: musicmick
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 01:47 PM

Here are a couple I wrote.

'Though potency puckers pudendum
If you've seeds in your scrotum, then spend 'em
Nor should pregnancy bother the unmarried father
Iligitimus non carberendum
(Please excuse spelling)

Sure as grave robbers gave us "skulduggery"
Sure as "mug shots" is taken from muggery
There's a six legged lass
With a cock up her ass
The true ANTecedent of buggery.

(I do others, Mr. Mack)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 02:31 PM

Not limericks, but...


In days of old
When knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They tied their socks
Around their cocks
And babies were prevented

In days of old
When knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
They laid their load
Beside the road
Then walked away contented

In the days of old
When knights were bold
But not overly particular
They hung a sheep
upon a pole
And shagged it perpendicular


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:27 PM

and the grevious tale of Dead-Eye Dick
unfortunately, born with a corkscrew p***k,
who searced the world in a fruitless hunt
to find him a woman with a corkscrew c**t,
then found her, screamed and fell over dead
when he saw that she had a left-hand thread.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM

This is one I composed myself. I was on a panel for an educational seminar for our county Bar Association, shortly after Vermont enacted the Civil Unions law. The seminar was about the possible effects of the new law on various forms of property. My own field was real estate, so I had nothing to say when the discussion got into the effect on various retirement accounts, particularly in light of the non-recognition of civil unions by the feds, particularly the IRS.

I sat there scribbling, and came up with the following:

A couple got married, though gay.
One wanted his friend's IRA.
He said to him, "Stover,
We need a rollover!"
"Right now?" said his partner,"Okay!"

I am aware that I will be accused of insensitivity for producing the above. I plead guilty. Insensitivity is of the essence of a good limerick. Also, I realize the above may confuse our British cousins, what with IRA having quite a different meaning over there, but it can't be helped.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: mike the knife
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:54 PM

Stolen from a Vonnegut book I think...

There once was a sailor named Rex
who avoided pre-marital sex
by thinking of Jesus
and social diseases
and beating his meat below decks


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:27 PM

Folks, you may not know it, but I have dubbed Midchuck, "Peter the Great" He knows more limericks than anyone else I ever met.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: C-flat
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 04:51 PM

There once was a fellow from Kent
whose cock was exeedingly bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of coming he went!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM

Well, if nobody else is gonna post this old standard, I will...


There was an old man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear was a c__t I could f__k it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:53 PM

sure is a lot of thread creep here..*grin*...we purists would LOVE to see just good **limericks**.

(one note..it is possible to have good 'erotic' or 'adult' limericks without words that need As**risks....sometimes the poem has little to recommend it except as an excuse to say "fuck" or whatever.. I really love limericks that manage to to be clever, ribald and still not simply 'crude' dirty.)
...The one about Titian from Midchuck is a good example, and rightly famous!

From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
   "Well, my goodness gracious",
   Said Brother Ignacious,
"I didn't know that Your Lordship had piles!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:41 PM

...Now, that bishop was nobody's fool --
He'd been to divinity school --
So he hauled down his breeches
And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the bishop was through,
"The vicar was quicker
And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Possibly not the same person:

There was once a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw,
But one leads to the other,
And now she's a mother --
Let that be a lesson to you!

And, possibly yet another Sue:

There was once a young lady of Fife
Whose man was the bane of her life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one day the poor lady struck,
And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck,
Saying, "Where have you gotten us
With your monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

I once knew a harlot named Sue,
And a versatile dame she was, too!
After ten years of whoredom,
She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:00 PM

And then there's this one, BillD...

Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck
Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck
Shittypiss shitty piss
Shit pissy pisspiss
Fuckfuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:19 PM

Back in the good old days when I was a resident singer in a pub where
the landlord expected 'Rugby' songs after nine thirty we used to kick off the Limericks with :-

A Limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space that is quite economical
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man went and spoiled it by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end in Gods Glory
But at prsent the other sides winning


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM

A broken down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to exclaim in her cups
The height of my folly
Was screwing a Collie
But, I got a good price for the pups.

a clean one?

There once was a girl named Ann Farrell
Who loved to play "Stud" for apparel
Her oponent's straight flush
Brought a maidenly blush
And a hasty trip home in a barrel.

There was a woman named Anna,
Who thought she could play the pianna
But, what do you know? on her very first show
She got hit with a rotten bananna.

There was a fella named Carter
A world class prodigious farter
He could fart anything from God Save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:33 PM

I'm going under cover for this one. It's personal, made up by a former lady friend.

There once was an ageing folksinger
Who caught his dick in a wringer
Says he "It's no trouble,
I'll simply redouble
My efforts with tongue and finger."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 07:47 PM

hmmm, Cluin...and your point is?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:03 PM

(and the meter is a bit off, too)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 08:45 PM

oh, Kendall..you remind me! Here's the full "Farter from Sparta"...a true classic..

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

Hi basso, with timbre so rare
He rendered with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 10:51 PM

I am a most virtuous bloke.
I do not drink, swear chew or smoke.
All vices eschewing,
I stick to my screwing;
And sometimes, on Sundays, snort coke.

A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda
He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder.
She said, "It is lewd,
To be wooed in the nude"
But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her.

The inbred sixth Viscount of Hume
Kept, always, a boy in his room;
And would take, as his right,
On each serf's wedding night,
His Droit du Signeur, from the groom.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 11:07 PM

A gay young student from Gotham
Said "Police, pimps and priests can be rotten.
But be sins great or small
I've found that them all
Can be a fine fellow, at bottom.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:36 AM

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were always quite stable,
One night at full moon
She went down with a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

A Tourette's Syndrome victim from Munchez
Used language so really atrunchez
That all he could say
Through the whole livelong day
Was "Yez bastards, yez fuckers, yez cunchez."

Thank you for you kind attention.

Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Gurney
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 04:20 AM

There was a young vicar from Uppingham,
who stood on the bridge, overlooking 'em,
watching the stunts
of the c*nts in the punts,
and the tricks of the pr*cks that were f*cking 'em.

There was a young fiddler from Rio,
who courted a maiden named Cleo.
as she took off her panties,
she said "No andante-s,
I want this Allegro, con brio."

You could only use that one in this sort of company.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,banjoman
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 05:44 AM

How about this little gem?
A policeman from Clapham Junction
Found his penis just wouldn't function
So for the rest of his life he contented his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:29 AM

... less and less well covered by my hair every year, Bill D.

Happy December, ya wood-turnin' old bastard!   ;)



They say Wee Willy Winkie
had a prick that was tiny but stinky
He had a microscope,
But lacked water and soap
To wash off his stinky little dinky


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:44 AM

There was a young gaucho called Bruno,
Who said ' shagging is one thing I do know '.
A woman is fine,
A sheep is devine,
But a Llama is numero uno


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:15 AM

Seamus, that is gross!!!
Bill D I always thought that brevity is the sole of wit, but in this case, that farter thing is a real OPUS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM

There was a young lady from Exeter
So fair that young men craed their necks at her;
One chap went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:10 AM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly.
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:50 AM

Nice one Midchuck.
There once was a sailor called Bates,
Who danced the ' fandango ' on skates,
Till a fall on his cutlass,
Rendered him nutless,
And bloodywell useless on dates.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:58 AM

To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your west tit the least bit
The best of your east tit,
Or is it a fault of perspective?"

Said naughty old Sappho of Greece,
"The one thing I like more than a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Caressed by the end o'
The little pink nose of my niece."

There was once an old Bey of Algiers
Who said to his harem: "My dears,
Though you may think it odd o' me,
I'm giving up sodomy.
Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.*


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:21 PM

There was once an old Bey of Algiers
Who said to his harem: "My dears,
Though you may think it odd o' me,
I'm giving up sodomy.
Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.*


Then up spake the King of Siam:
"For women I don't give a damn.
But a round-bottomed boy
Is my pride and my joy.
They can call me a bugger! I am!"

Then up spoke a Hindu mahout:
"Now, what's all this blathering about?
Why, I shoot my gunk
Up an Elephant's trunk..."
*Cries of "fraud!" "He's a shit!" "Throw him out!"*


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:24 PM

That randy young couple named Kelly
Are now married buttocks to belly
For they, in their haste,
Applied library paste,
Instead of petreoleum jelly

There was a young lady from Dee,
With a hymen was divided in three
And when she was diddled,
The middle string fiddled:
Nearer My God To Thee

The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual
Mutual masterbatorium!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Bill Kennedy
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM

A new barber shop might be called Cilia
A new florist might go for Lobelia,
But if your selling toy cars
or lap steel guitars
Don't call your new place Pedalphilia


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM

A wonderful race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
   They make love all day
   In the usual way.
And save up the nights for perversions.

and by the famous poet, lecturer and critic, John Ciardi:

There was a young lady who wouldn't.
Her mother had told her she shouldn't.
   When dear mama died,
   She felt free, so she tried,
But by then she was so old she couldn't

There was a young lady of Mass.
Rather lacking, we all thought, in class.
   She would stroll Boston Common
   And whenever she saw men
She'd whimper, "Please, sir, make a pass."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:15 PM

Curious, this absence of women


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:24 PM

not so curious...*grin*...this thread probably reminds them of the back room at a smoker...


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:50 PM

Buckskin Billy had a 3 foot willie,
& He showed it to the lady next door,
She thought it was a snake & hit it with a rake,
Now it's only 2 foot 4.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: vectis
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM

There was a poof from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
As they lay on the bed
She turned round and said
Now, who does what, with what and to whom?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:51 PM

There was a young man from Belgrade
Who planned to seduce a fair maid
And as it befell
He succeeded quite well
And the maid, like the plan, was well laid


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:26 PM

Curious, this absence of women

When Kendall was at our campsite at Old Songs last summer, we got a limerick shootout going with the help of a good deal of Jameson's and Old Crow.

Kendall would take a little Jameson's, then he'd apologize, saying he didn't usually tell these things with ladies present, then he'd start another dirty limerick - and Kris (Mizchuck) would finish it along with him. Every single time.

After all, she and I have been keeping company for 41 years now...

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM

And one for the girls

For the third time dull Daphnis said Chloe
You have told me my bosom is snowy
You have made such remark on
Each part of my person
Now DO something, theirs a good boyi


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:18 AM

There once was a man from St. Bees
Who was stung on the ass by a wasp
When asked "Does it hurt?"
He replied "Yes it smarts,
But it'd've be worse if it was a hornet"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:09 AM

Eric: For the sake of the rhyme, that should be

You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person.

According to Legman (in _The Limerick_), that is his wife's favorite limerick. Elsewhere, IIRC, he says that it is most women's. Women, he says, generally dislike limericks for the same reason chickens dislike cookbooks, or words to that effect.

One may also retreat to Edward Gorey, whose limericks seem to have been inspired more by Charles Addams than by Rabelais:

The partition of Vavasour Scowles
Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
In a firkin; his brain
Was found clogging a drain,
And his toes were inside of some towels.

To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
`Your mother's behaviour
Gave pain to Our Saviour,
And that's why He made you a cripple.'


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:12 AM

One from Spike Milligan:

There was a young man named Wyatt
Whose voice was exceedingly quiet
And then one fine day
it just faded away...


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 01:46 PM

it just faded away...


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 04:37 PM

Ha Ha! That's a lot of coding, BillD.



There once was a poet named Dan
Whose poetry never would scan
When told this was so,
He replied, "Yeah, I know...
It's because I always seem to have to try and cram every possible syllable into the very last line that I can"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: musicmick
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:52 PM

There once was a poet from Oxford
Who said,"I wish people would understand
That my limericks are as good as
Anyone elses
Even though they're written in free verse.".


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:56 PM

There once was a man from the Sticks
Whose limericks all went to line six
He never did know
How far they should go,
So he never did bother to fix
Them at all


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM

Cluin..it's a lot of code, but no coding...I cheat and use a little program that does it for me.

A careless old gasman named Peter,
With a match poked around a gas heater.
   Touched a leak with his light,
   And rose out of sight,
And as anyone who knows anything about the art of poetry can tell you,
He also ruined the meter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM

I have trouble with rhythm and rhyme
It's the same f__king thing every time
It is never a chore
Finding lines one thru four
But it's that last line that always buggers things up


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 10:49 AM

Since the subject was raised on another thread, here's a couple on a theme:


We had a dinner and romantic walk
And, through it all, had a wonderful talk
But if truth be told,
This silence is gold
With your lips on the shaft of my cock


I am tired of these fair praises sung
About his mistress, acrobatic and young
I know his wife is far finer
There's no feeling divine-er
Then when my penis slips over her tongue


And, for equal time:

Though, as a carpenter, I earn my pay
I'm not great, but I guess I'm okay
While most men don't require me,
I know women will hire me
For tongue-in-groove is my special forté


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:17 PM

Women dislike Limericks as chickens dislike cook books? That's funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Gurney
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:55 PM

Banjoman, when I heard that one, it was;

A handsome policeman from Bath,
once cut off his prick for a laugh.
He fooled his wife,
for the rest of her life,
by judicious use of his staff.

Must be that folk-process thing I've heard about.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM

There was a young lady.... Wait! Cut!!
You prob'ly thought you were in for some smut
Some five-lined crescendo
Full Of lewd innuendo?
Well, you're wrong! This is anything but


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:34 PM

There are in fact limericks that go beyond the canonical 5 lines. Perhaps the best known is

There once was a whore from Alaska
Who would make anybody who'd ask her.
But then she turned nice
And raised up her price
Till nobody could make her but Jesus H. Christ,
Or possibly John Jacob Astor.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
   But the good ones I've seen,
   So seldom are clean....
And clean ones so seldom are comical.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:29 PM

Mr. Clinton awoke from a nap,
With a sharp, biting pain in his lap
"Holy crap!" cried our Billy,
"It looks like my willy,
Has been caught in an intern face trap!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peterr
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 05:53 AM

There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty that men craned their necks at 'er
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing part of his sex at 'er


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: annamill
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 11:02 AM

ok ok ok! My humble offering..

There was a young lady from Nizes
Who had breasts of two different sizes
One was small, nothing at all,
The other was large and won prizes.

I do so like limerics. I've read every single one AND I even
laughed at a couple.

Love, Annamill


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 01:25 PM

A clever commercial female
Had her prices tattooed on her tail
And below her behind
For the sake of the blind
She'd a duplicate version in Braille


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a large alligator
But no one ever knew
Just how good she could screw
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her


A stranded explorer named Lou
Wired home for two punts, one canoe
The reply came "OK.
Two girls on the way
But what in the hell's a panoe?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Cluin
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 10:23 PM

An odd German lodger named Roger
Knew a bodger whose todger was larger
This old codger's menager
Kissed and pawed your massager
"I told yer, by gawd, yer a dodger!"




Okay, so it don't make sense.
By she rhymes like a bastard, don't she?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM

There was a young lady from Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage
The Borough Surveyor
Said "Now you must must pay her"
For you've altered the line of her frontage.

There once was a lady called Dodd
Who said she'd a baby from God
But it wasn't the almighty
Who'd lifted her nightie
But Roger the lodger - the sod

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born nearly nine months too soon
He hadn't the luck
to be born from a f**k
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

And the yuckiest one -

An old prostitute from the Azores
Has a c**t that was covered in sores
Even dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM

An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
She vanished one day,
But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.

From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news:
They've discovered a head
In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.

-- E. Gorey


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Raedwulf
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:59 PM

There was a young man from Buckingham
Who wrote "Bollocks & 12 ways of sucking 'em"
He went berserk
When outdone by a Turk
Who wrote "Women & 12 ways of fucking 'em"!

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose bollocks were two different sizes
One weighed a pound
And dragged on the ground
And the other's as big as a fly's is!

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder
He knew that he could
And he should, and he would -
And he did - and he goddamn near killed her!

A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size & aroma...

A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Concerning white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill

There was a young man of St Johns
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
"Oh no", said the porter,
"You bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons."

There was a young maid from Mobile
Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
She got her thrills
Fom pneumatic drills
And off centred emery wheels!

There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity
He buggered his brother
Had twins by his mother
And took double honour in Divinity

There once was a fellow from Beverley
Who went in for shagging quite heavily
He shagged night and day
Till his bollocks gave way
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly

When her daughter got married in Bicester
Her mother remarked as she kissed her
"That fellow you've won
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he's shagged me & your sister!"

And for variation:

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear,
I've often seen our Mary's lamb,
But I've never seen her bare...


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Bates from Birregurra
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 09:57 PM

There was a young girl from Aberistwyth
Who took what to the mill to make grist with
The millers son Jack
Layed her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissedwyth

A plumber called Michael McGee
Was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said "Stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming"
He replied, "Yes there is.....and it's me"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Cletus
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:53 PM

old favourites...

There once was a dirty old whoore,
Who poxed every prick that went through her.
The smell of her twat once killed a rat
That had lived all it's life down a sewer.


A lady called Julia Sharkey,
Spent a night in bed with a darkey.
To atone for her sins,
She had triplets, not twins,
One black, one white and one khaki.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 11:14 PM

SURE, Cletus...I'd plead anonymity, too

I think it's getting kinda carried away...the plea in the first post for asterisks is being ignored, and *gross* is being substituted for *clever* in many cases.... and some are not reading previous posts and are posting the same one for the 3rd time. I'm not a prude, as you can see above, just wishing for some ...ummm...more careful selection.

Just one man's opinion.*shrug*


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 04:55 AM

A lass on safari called Lena
Was seduced by a passing hyena
Twas better she said
Than a tumble in bed
But as sex went it could have been cleaner


The following are philosophical rather than dirty - the last one's relatively clever.

There was a young student called Fred,
Who was questioned on Descartes and said
It's perfectly clear
That I'm not really here,
For I haven't a thought in my head.

Catspaw when sober or pissed,
Can be frequently heard to insist,
Letting out a great fart:
I follow Descartes
I stink, so I therefore exist.

There was a young lady called Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She went out one day
In a relative way
And came home on the previous night


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 05:26 AM

There was a young lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at Mass
The curves of her ass
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Splott Man
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 08:04 AM

There was a young man from Dundee
Who was horribly stung by a wasp
When aked if it hurt
He said no not at all
it can do it again if it likes


The was a young man from Japan
Whose poems would never quite scan
When asked why this was
He said it's because
I try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can


OK, off theme but I like them


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 05:47 AM

After Les Barker's "Dachshunds with errections can't climb stairs", here's a limerick that should also make your eyes water.

There once was a Dachshund named Bert
Whose chopper did rub in the dirt
In the course of a day
he wore it away
And by gum it didn't half hurt !


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM

There was once a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship was at anchor,
But she woke in surprise
When she heard the crew's cries:
"Now haul on the top sheet and spanker!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 08:40 PM

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who, no matter how hard she tried
Could achieve no orgasm
Not even a spasm
No spark to ignite her inside


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Himself
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM

An ethnologist up with the Sioux
   Sent a telex "Send punt and canoe"
   The reply came next day "Girls on their way,
   But what on earth's a panoe"

   
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce young women to groans,
By his intimate knowledge,
Acquired at college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: longtimejoe
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:35 PM

just composed one this morning while getting out of bed with the name of my clerk:

Once a lovely young lady named judy
Declared, "If you think that I´m moody,
It´s cause so many men
Just want to be ´friends`
I need one who´s lookin´ fer booty.

How´s zat?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM

So, longtimejoe, what were you doing in bed with the name of your clerk? Where was the rest of her?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM

This one isn't actually dirty, but it might raise more than memories for many males who frequent UK singarounds.

A sexy folk singer called Noreen
Makes singarounds anything but boring
Though her perchant for seduction
May lead to moral corruption.
She always sets male pulse rates soaring.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Micca
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:28 AM

A Folksinger name of Dave Bryant
While trying to be Safety Compliant
At Jack in the Green
With Linda, Leather Queen
In the back of a Robin Reliant


While striving for "six-nine" perfecto
There was too much "push-pull" not "reverso"
As he passed "sixty four"
he kicked open the door
And was revealed in Flagrante delecto


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM

I refute the above accusation - Linda and I have never tried to perform soixtante-neuf in the back of a Robin Reliant - there wouldn't be enough room. Now my old Volvo 740 was quite spacious . . . .


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:26 PM

Not a limerick, but perhaps apropos:

Wind, and sky,
And sounding surf,
And you and I
And soixante-neuf.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peace
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 06:38 PM

longtimejoe: That was pretty darn good. You have added to the folk literature (poetry section) of our time.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 14 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM

My two faverites both learned from Gordon Titcomb bless him :

There was a preacher of kings,
who preached of heavenly things.
but his secrest disire
was a boy in the chior
with a bum, like jelly, on springs.

Under the spredding chestnut tree
the village ediot sat
amussing himself
by abusing himself.
and catching the stuff in his hat


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Peace
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 12:48 AM

Thank you all for contributing to the literature. This thread was a hoot. BM


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 02:30 AM

there once was a girl called Loreena
whose swordsmanship couldn't be keener
she sliced off a prick
got rid of it quick
and now lives with a lady called Sheena..


there once was a young man, named bobbit
who bred like a bunny starved rabbit
his hysterical wife
took a blow with the knife
now he can't ever rub it like Robert


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: The Barden of England
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 08:58 AM

There was a young man from Swaboda,
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her,
So with great savoir fair,
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whisky and soda.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,big red
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 04:59 PM

I rather enjoy fat lasses
with butts as thick as mollasses
when I hit it from the back
I cut them no slack
'til they start to secrete nauseus gases


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 07:17 AM

There was a young man called Jack Bosham,
Who took out his balls for to wash 'em
His mother said Jack
If you don't put 'em back
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Chris Green
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:08 PM

There was a young monk from Algeria
Whose morals were somewhat inferior
One night for some fun
He knocked off a nun
And now she's the Mother Superior.

I saw this bloke on television
Who signed up for a cheap circumcision
But the blade slipped somehow
And unfortunately now
He's testicularly deficient.

There was a young fellow called Reg
Who was shagging a girl in hedge
When along came his wife
With a large carving knife
And cut off his meat and two veg.

And on a cleaner note

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan
When they asked him why
He replied "Because I
Like to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"

I started this one but am stuck for rhymes.

There was a young man from Sri Lanka..

Any suggestions gratefully accepted! (fnar fnar!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:16 PM

Who wanted to work on a tanker.
But oh what a clown,
It would be a comedown.
Cause he was a Merchant Banker.

Best wishes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Chris Green
Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:26 PM

I'm impressed! And with such alacrity too!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah
Date: 26 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM

There was a young man from Sri Lanka
Who was an incurable wanker.
When a young girl called Dimity
Removed his virginity
The bugger did not even thank her.

Time taken, 2 mins 48 sec.
Ah, benefits of being a Primary English teacher!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Jack
Date: 11 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM

There was a young girl called Alana
With a cunt like a feeding pirhana
She would nip of the tools
Of horny young fools
Who thought they were reachung nirvana


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Red Thunder
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 06:34 PM

You guys forgot one

there once was a man from peru,
he fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of venus,
he paddled his penis,
then he woke with a hand full of goo.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:05 PM

There was once a young fellow named Rand
Who sat seeing the sights in the sand.
"My problem," said he,
"Is as hard as can be,
But I think I can take it in hand."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:42 PM

An ardent young miss named Bathsheba
Was seduced by a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe"

There was a young lady named Alice
Who pissed in an Anglican chalice
She remarked, "I do this
From desire to piss
And not from sectarian malice."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: iancarterb
Date: 27 Apr 07 - 11:17 PM

I've loved the genre since first hearing Oscar Brand's vinyl albums of Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads. This did not come from Oscar's collection, but I haven't seen it go by in the thread.

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 02:49 AM

An explorer out in Peru,
Sent home for two punts and a canoe,
The answer next day,
Said, girls on the way,
But what the fuck's a panoe ?

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 08:19 AM

Another young lady in Wheeling
Maintained she had no sexual feeling
'Till a cynic, named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Charley Noble
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 04:43 PM

Just a couple of family favorites which I don't think I've seen posted:

There was a young widow named Brice,
Who kept her dead husband on ice;
She said, "T'was hard when I lost him,
But I'll never defrost him;
He's rather cold comfort but nice."

There once was a poet named McNamiter,
Whose tool was of prodigious diameter;
But it wasn't the size,
Gave the gals the surprise,
T'was his rhythm – iambic pentameter.

There was a young man from Bombay
Who sailed to China one day,
Of the pox he did worry,
So he dabbed on some curry,
And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:46 AM

There was a young girl from Madras,
Who lay on her back,in the grass-
    With fingers so slim,
    She tickled her quim,
'til it foamed, like a bottle of Bass.!


There was a young sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales --
    He could piss in a jar,
    From the topgallant spar,
Without even wetting the sails !


There was an old man from Dundee,
Who came home as drunk as could be-
      He undid the lock
      With the end of his cock
And rogered his wife with the key.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:55 AM

But I really prefer the clean ones !! Viz--

    The chief stewardess of a Boeing,
    When asked "Which way are we going ? "
      Said " Our navigator
      Is joining us later--
    'til then, we have no way of knowing ! "

         OR-

    A silly young fellow from Yuma ,
    Told an "Elephant Joke" to a puma--
       Now his skeleton lies
       Under hot desert skies.
    ( The puma had no sense of huma )


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 03:54 AM

The Limerick is furtive and mean,
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums,
And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:18 AM

Well, it must be the shape of the thing
That give the old limerick wing
Those airy conceits
And accordion pleats
Pull it up like a kite on a string.

There was a maths student from Trinity
Who solved the square root of infinity
But it gave him such fidgets
To count up the digits
He chucked math, and took up divinity.

A physicist chappie named Bright
Could travel much faster than light
He set off one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

See, I do know some clean ones.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:14 AM

There are three types of Limericks,
1. Limericks which can be told when women are present.
2. Limericks which can be told when clergymen are present but women are not.
3. LIMERICKS

eric


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:47 PM

I used to know loads, but I have forgotten them. So I have written some ! Here"s two to start off ----( I was in the Navy for some years, and it may seem obvious !! )

      A gay ,Belfast sailor called Sid,
       Tried to bugger himself with a fid :
      He smeared it with lard,
      And sat down on it hard,
      But it split him in half ( so it did ).

       There was a young sailor called Tim,
       Who fancied the cabin-boy ( Jim )----
       After several gropes,
       Tim showed Jim the ropes:
       Now Jim's a REAL sailor, like him !!
   
          More to follow ( and no, I am not gay --just nautical !! )


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Schantieman
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:42 PM

This one has cropped up at least three times so far in its respectable version. This version ain't.

There once once a man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When asked for the reason
He said, "When in season
I always try to fuck as many beautiful delicious and sexy young girls as I possibly can".


A fellow who came from St Paul's
Used to tour all the old music halls
His favourite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And to roll of the stage on his balls.


Now, where did I put that book of Rugby songs.....?


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM

Several requests have been made for limericks about something other than coitus and buggery, and for proper use of the ASS-Tu-Risk (*).

Substituting deviant grammar for smut, there's the classic(?):

Mary had a little car
She drove it very brisk
But Mary didn't care because
She only had her *

OK Bill?

John


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 01 May 07 - 03:17 AM

Here is one about cactus ,then.

            A sad botanist said " It"s a fact, I
            Do seem to have lost several cacti !!-
               Someone"s thrown them away:
               My wife, I dare say !"
            ( He was quite right--DUX FEMINA FACTI )

      
       Nothing coital or anal about that( is there ??)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 01 May 07 - 03:31 AM

A Norwegian poet called Fisk,
             Knew he was running the risk,
                That his rhymes might affront
                Some sensitive ****,
             By not using the full Asterisk.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 01 May 07 - 01:27 PM

There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda.
She festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode 'er.

I do admire internal rhymes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: kendall
Date: 01 May 07 - 05:38 PM

There once was a woman named Perkins
She simply doted on Gherkins
In spite of advice, she ate so much spice
She pickled her internal workings.

See, I know some clean ones too.
I got that one from an old time radio program called "IT pays to be ignorant". Three comics would be on once a week, and it was nothing but sillyness for half an hour.

Someone would mention a city, Chicago for instance, and another would say, "I used to work in that town!" "Really? what did you do thetre"?
"I was a minister in a shoe factory. I saved souls." Cornball humor at its worst.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Amos
Date: 01 May 07 - 06:29 PM

A lady in Boston, quite lewd
Went and walked down the street in the nude!
A police man said "What am-
Agnificent bottom!"
And smacked it as hard as he could!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 May 07 - 08:43 PM

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
And a man down in front
Hollered out, "I smell ****" --
Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Bruce Michael Baillie
Date: 02 May 07 - 01:29 AM

There once was a young girl called Mary
spent the night with a man in a dairy
now heaven forbid, I won't say what they did
but next morning his tongue was all hairy

There once was a fellow from Wales
who dined on dogs bollocks and snails
when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese
that he scraped from his knob with his nails

There once was a young chap called Howells
who lived on the contents of bowels
when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese
and the suckings of santitary towels

...I doubt there'll be any worse than that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dickey
Date: 02 May 07 - 11:33 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit
but look at the money I save.

There once was a man a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like an azalea
The colours were bright and also devine
But the smell, Ooooh that was a failyah.

There once was a man from Boston,
Who purchased himself an Austin
There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 07 - 12:23 AM

As I sat by the duchess at tea
She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me.

Still I sat by the Duchess at tea
When she asked if an eggplant I ever did see?
I replied "Yes," rather bored
And she said, "Sir, you've explored"
"Up a hen's ass much further than me."



A young woman named Jenny McNair
Was had by a man all covered in hair.
Then he took off his hat
And she realized that
She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear.

A pretty young lass from Norway
Hung by her heels in the doorway
She told her young man
Get off that divan
I think I've discovered one more way.

There was a young miss named Ann Hiser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But when Pabst took a chance
He found Schlitz in her pants
So now he is sadder Budweiser.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Mike Miller
Date: 03 May 07 - 01:14 AM

I am emboldened to offer an original.

Sure as "mug shots" yield non-words like "muggery",
Sure as grave robbers gave us "skullduggery",
There's a six legged lass
With a cock up her ass,
The true ant-ecedant of "buggery".

                Mike


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 May 07 - 08:55 AM

There once was a man named McGruder
Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda
The nude thought it crude
To be wooed in the nude
But McGruder was cruder. He screw'd 'er.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Schantieman
Date: 03 May 07 - 03:16 PM

not quite a limerick....

She offered her honour
He honoured her offer
And all the long night
He was on 'er and off 'er.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Dickey
Date: 03 May 07 - 08:49 PM

The Captain had a cabin boy
He loved him like a brother
and every night by candle light
they cornholed one another.

Oh cabin boy oh cabin boy
you dirty little nipper
you lined your ass with busted glass
and circumcised the skipper.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 May 07 - 09:12 PM

The ass of a student named Bear
Was entirely covered with hair.
His roommate (a queer)
Said "Certainly, dear --
With the greatest of pleasure -- but where?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 May 07 - 09:45 PM

A slightly different take on the limerick above that Dick posted..........

There once was a man named Magruder
Met a girl in the nude
So he wooed her!
Though she thought it crude
To be wooed in the nude
Magruder was shrewd and he screwed her.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,matti
Date: 09 May 07 - 09:40 PM

There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: iancarterb
Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM

I heard Matti's post with a song included:

There was an old man from Madras
Whose balls were bright solid brass.
When he clanged them together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightening shot out of his ass.

One of my favorites, learned from my brother more than fifty years ago.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 07 - 11:56 PM

A horny machinist named Deal,
Had an organ that was made of blue steel.
He got all his thrills
From pneumatic drills
And offset emery wheels.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 07 - 10:29 PM

There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave and convex,
It would fit either sex,
And took care of itself in between.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 May 07 - 11:16 AM

...with attachments for those in between.

...and was perfectly simple to clean.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 May 07 - 11:20 AM

Another variant on Dick and 'Spaw's:

A nude wooed a prude in Bermuda.
He was nude, she was shrewd, he was shrewder.
She said, "It is lewd
To be wooed in the nude!"
But he wooed her, pursued her, and screwed her.

P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Adrianel
Date: 12 May 07 - 10:24 PM

Schantieman:

"A lass from the Isle of Wight,
Was out with her boyfriend one night.
She offered her honour,
He honoured her offer,
And was on 'er and off 'er all night."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 May 07 - 09:08 PM

There was once a young fellow named Skinner
Who invited his lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine,
And by quarter past ten, it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:50 AM

i have an unusual prick
it looks like a plum on a stick
ive heard it tastes nice,
so i,ll keep it in ice
and later i,ll give you a lick


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:52 AM

Guest ibo: You did it! You produced one I hadn't known. I assumed it couldn't be done. Did you write it?

Peter


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:01 AM

y
yes,it was me,im full of shitty limericks

jill had a very fat arse
it was larger than neptune and mars
and the hole in the centre
you never could enter
she,d fitted in prison cell bars


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:28 AM

my wife has a tatoo you see
its six inches above her left knee
its a shell,and its queer
if you put close your ear
i swear you can smell the north sea


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 May 07 - 12:17 PM

And another young fellow named Tupper
Once invited his lady to supper;
The supper was great
Served a little past eight
And by eight forty five
It was up her.
Not Tupper.
Not the supper
But Skinner (that bastard got around).


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 14 May 07 - 01:19 PM

my incredible cheesey peas knob
leaves a terrible taste in yer gob
she asked me quite rightly
if i could politely
wear an apple and cream flavoured blob


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,sinky
Date: 14 May 07 - 01:32 PM

my wife asked me to trim her pubes
so the flymow and strimmer i used
i burnt all the hair
but its really not fair
that the fire made national news


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:34 AM

i once met a fox of a girl
a real boro beauty called Pearl
at the end of the night
what a terrible fright
to find out her real name was Earl


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Marc
Date: 17 May 07 - 08:08 PM

A couple of 'em to add...

There was a young woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.

or...

There was a man from St. Clair
Who tooled his chick on the stair.
But the bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished the job in the air.


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: early
Date: 17 May 07 - 08:41 PM

there was a young man from weston super mare
enjoying his girlfriend on the stair
on the ninety ninth stroke the bannister broke
so he finished her off n midair


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: GUEST,Franz
Date: 18 May 07 - 09:12 AM

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who said to a tart "You're a tight one…"
She said, "'Pon my soul!
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one…"


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:25 PM

Aliter:

There was once a young fellow from Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
Said he, "Ah, my love,
It fits like a glove,"
But she said, "You're not in the right one."


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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks
From: robertobyrnes
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 06:31 AM

Hey guys, i'm new to this site. i'm from down under (Australia) and i've got a bagful of original bawdy limericks inspired by place names from the land of Oz. there's a selection at my blog aussielimerickman.blogspot.com.
here's a taste:

An aviator from Campbelltown
Achieved much local renown
By inseminating
The girl he was dating
While flying his plane upside down.


An innocent lass from Nambucca
Liked to sprinkle bird seed on her tucker
She grew feathers down where
You'd expect to find hair
And all the blokes wanted to pluck her.


There was a young lady from Clare
Whose chest was all covered in hair
Most blokes called it quits
After fondling her tits
But most chimpanzees didn't care.

cheers    roberto


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