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Subject: Bawdy Limericks From: Bert Hansell Date: 25 Feb 97 - 01:08 PM This is a branch from the 'Roll me over' thread. Bill mentioned 'Waltz me around again Willie' This is the version that I sing.... There was a young girl from Devizes Had tits of different sizes; one it was small and worth nothing at all; the other was big and won prizes Chorus That was a horrible song sing us another one just like the other one sing us another one too. There was a young fellow from kent whose prick was peculiarly bent to save himself trouble he shoved it in double instead of coming he went There was a young girl from Detroit who at screwing was very adroit she could squeeze her vagina to a pinpoint or finer or open it out like a quoit There was a young lady from Ealing Who had a peculiar feeling she lay on her back and opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling. There was an old fellow from Cosham who took out his bollocks to wash 'em his wife said 'Oh Jack, if you don't put 'em back, I shall tread on your bollocks and squash 'em' There was a young lady from Exeter so pretty that men craned their necks at 'er and one went so far as to wave from his car The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er There was an old bishop of Rockingham Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts and the tricks of the pricks who were Fucking 'em There once was a bishop of Birmingham who seduced yound girls while confirming 'em the dirty old bassok he lifted his cassock and stuck his episcopal worm in 'em There was a young fellow named Dave who found a dead whore in a cave he must hava had pluck to have a cold fuck but think of the money he'd save There was a young lady from Hitchin was scratching her cunt in the kitchen her mother said 'Rose it's the crabs I suppose' Rose said 'Bollocks! get on with your stitchin'' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Reiscza Dahll Date: 30 Mar 08 - 12:56 PM There once was a man from calcutta, who liked to have sex with his mudda, when the baby came out, she said with a shout, "say hello to your son and your brudda!" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bonnie Shaljean Date: 30 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM A young undergrad at St.John's Was caught trying to bugger the swans Said the loyal head porter Here, please, take my daughter The swans are reserved for the dons |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: kendall Date: 30 Mar 08 - 02:51 PM I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM 'I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.' Alright here's a non-bawdy limerick for the 'classy' among us.. There once was a woman named Plunnery, Who was practiced in the art of gunnery, One day, unobservant, she blew up a servant, And had to retire to a nunnery. Charlotte (the view from Ma and Pa's piano stool) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:00 PM Again, here's one I wrote a few months ago , for those who missed it; A young Belfast sailor named Sid, tried to bugger himself with a fid; He smeared it with lard, and sat down on it hard, but it split him in half ( so it did ). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:03 PM Oh alright...... There was a young man at Trinity who stole his sister's virginity, He buggered his brother, had twins by his mother, And then then took a first in divinity Charlotte (you can blame my dad for that one) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Steve Shaw Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:53 PM From deep in the crypt of St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar "Good gracious! Did Brother Ignatius Forget that the Bishop has piles?" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Steve Shaw Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:56 PM There was a young lady called Dinah With a music box in her vagina. All the boys they had larks To the sweet sound of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,G.I. Joe Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:11 PM Oh for Gods Sake here are 2 books for you The Limerick edited by Bell Publishing Co. NY contains 1700 Limericks also The New Limerick published by Crown Published Publishing Co Contains 2750 Limericks on every bawdy thing you can think of plus a few more |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: kendall Date: 30 Mar 08 - 08:56 PM And I think Midchuck knows all of them. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 30 Mar 08 - 09:37 PM The man whom UTAH PHILLIPS HIMSELF has called "The best singer of North American folk songs I know of" has recognized ME as the master of dirty limericks. That's probably the closest I'll come to fame and glory in this life. I can die happy. Peter A race that may someday contain us, Though at present, they choose to disdain us, Are the warriors, all gay, Just for planets away. Men of Earth! Look to... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Gurney Date: 30 Mar 08 - 11:40 PM The was a young fiddler in Rio, was courting a maiden(?) named Cloe. As she took off her panties she said "No andantes. I want this allegro con brio!" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: masato sakurai Date: 31 Mar 08 - 12:00 AM Matt McGinn inserted and sang limericks in his version of I Was Born 10,000 Years Ago (at YouTube). |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 31 Mar 08 - 06:02 AM There was a young fellow called Pugh (no relation |:-) ) Lived on underpants scrapings ansd spew. When he couldn't get that He'd eat what he shat - And very fine shit he shat, too. Our local cinematorium Is not just a visual sensorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: topical tom Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:01 AM There was a young man from Madras Whose balls were made out of brass. With each step he took They clattered and shook And lightning shot out of his ass. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:30 AM One good turn deserves another: The was a young miss from Madras, Who had a magnificent ass! T'wasn't round and pink, As you undoubtedly think, But was black, had long ears and ate grass! Of course, there's always: The was a young man from Boston, Who drove a little red Austin. There was room for his ass, And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: scouse Date: 31 Mar 08 - 04:57 PM A real Gem.. There was a young lady from Ealing Declared, she had no sexual feeling. Till a young man named Boris Touched her Clitoris And she had to be scrapped off the ceilling!! As Aye, Phil. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: frogprince Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:30 PM A lonely gay lad from Kartoum took a lesbian up to his room; They argued all night, over who had the right To do what, and how, and to whom. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,GrannyInWales Date: 31 Mar 08 - 07:36 PM Some of my favourites, called to mind immediately - There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia Threepence a smell was all very well But sixpence a lick was a fahlia. There was a young lady from Crewe Who said, as the Bishop withdrew "I much prefer Vicar He's quicker and slicker And two inches longer than you" There once was a man called McCool Found a red ring round the end of his tool He went to the clinic His Doctor, a cynic Said, "That's only lipstick you fool" There was a young lady called Etta Who fancied herself in a sweater Three reasons she had, To keep warm was not bad But the other two reasons were better. There was a young lady from Guam Who observed, "The Pacific's so calm, I'll swim out for a lark", Then she met a large shark Let us now sing the 23rd Psalm. There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway She said to her young man "Get off the divan Cos I think that I've just found one more way". ...and there's more, later if required.... |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 01 Apr 08 - 06:00 AM Whilst wandering once around Mousehole I found a brown paper parcel. In it was shit And on it was writ 'A present from my granddad's arsehole'. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 01 Apr 08 - 07:49 AM Still waiting for the full version of There was a young lady called Annie Who plaited the hairs on her fanny . . . |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Sgt. Major Date: 01 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM There was a young plumber, from Lea Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. Said the girl to the plumber, There's somebody coming! Said the plumber, still plumbing, It's ME! There was a young bloke from Adair, Who was boffing a girl on the stair. When the banister broke, He doubled his stroke, And polished her off in mid-air! There was a young lad from Deaver, Who had intercourse with a beaver. The result of this ---- Was a three legged duck, Two otter and a Laborador Retriever. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Menno Date: 01 Apr 08 - 02:22 PM The Limerick packs laughs gastronimical Into space that is quite economical. But the good one's I've seen So seldom are clean and the clean ones so seldom are comical. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,GrannyInWales Date: 01 Apr 08 - 09:04 PM Yesssssss! and quite right too! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Grocer Date: 04 Apr 08 - 04:46 PM I humbly submit the following as being a better version of 'The Bishop of Birmingham' - The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham Used to bugger young boys whilst confirming 'em, As they knelt on their hassocks, He lifted their cassocks, And pumped his episcopal sperm in'em. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: The Walrus Date: 04 Apr 08 - 09:09 PM There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia The colour was fine Likewise the design But the aroma? Now THAT was a failure. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: topical tom Date: 05 Apr 08 - 01:35 PM There once was a girl from Lahore Whose ass was all covered with sores. When she walked in the street the dogs lapped at the meat That hung in green gobs from her drawers. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 05 Apr 08 - 07:43 PM There was a young belle of old Natchez, Whose panties were always in patches. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches". |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 06 Apr 08 - 03:40 AM The Limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet Date: 06 Apr 08 - 07:05 PM There was a young man from Kayunk Who fell asleep in his bunk He dreamt that Venus was pullin his penis And he floated away on the spunk. There was a young feller from Liger Who went to bed with a tiger The result of that f--k was a three-legged duck, two shrimps and a circumcised spider. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Date: 06 Apr 08 - 09:02 PM Composed today: Mr. Heston (whom no one called "Chuck") Went through life on a wave of good luck. Tho' the record discloses He was not really Moses, Nobody gave much of a .. Peter |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bert Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:08 AM Naughty one Midchuck. By the way, where the hell did this thread disappear to for nine years? |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM A charming young vampire called Mabel Had menses remarkably stable; One night at full moon, She went down with a spoon, And drank herself under the table. Seamus |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM As can be seen above: The Limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex It burgeons with virgins and masculine urgins And swarms of erotic effex |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM There was a young man of Calcutta Who went for a look in the gutter - But all he could see Was his wife's belly And the arse of the bloke who was up 'er. There was a young man from the Cape Who was fucked by a bloody huge ape. He yelled 'Get out, you fool - You've got a square tool Which is knocking me hole out of shape !' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,BobL Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM There was a young maid from Dundee Who was had by an ape up a tree. The result was most horrid, All arse and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM There was a young lady named Syd Who swore no man could give her a kid. But a brown-eyed Italian With balls like a stallion Could, and he would - and he did ! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Sue Allan Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM When Titian was painting rose madder His model sat up on a ladder Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he popped up the ladder and had her. |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bat Goddess Date: 07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM There was a young fellow named Fred Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head. He found, having hunted, A girl corkscrew-cunted, But, alas, with a Fred-reversed thread. My "hardware" limerick. I used to clerk in a small town hardware store (circa 1978-9) where I'd wear my "hardware" T-shirt -- "Hard lay, soft lay, laid as you want it -- Rockport Rope and Twine Company". Linn |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Geoff Wallis Date: 07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM There was a young lady called Jude Who appeared on the stage starkers nude. A man at the front Shouted out "cunt", Just like that, right out loud, bloody rude! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Jonny Sunshine Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM I haven't laughed so much in ages.. Anyway: There was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury, He went about Hampshire Without any pampshire Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury (for the benefit of readers outside the UK, Salisbury is commonly abbrievated to "Sarum", and Hampshire to "Hants") |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM There once was a lady named Cager, Who as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F-major. Charlotte (in the music room) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM If you've followed the prodigal's way, And much to your father's dismay, Go forth with all speed, Oh, ye profligate seed, And sow your wild oats where ye may. A dying old lawyer's last act, Was behavior he could not redact. A child, from this coitus, In articulo mortis' Was his antepenultimate act! There was a young maid from Cape Cod, Who thought all babies came from God. But, it wasn't the Almighty, Who lifted her nightie, It was Roger the Lodger, by God! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born 9 months too soon He hadn't the luck to be born by a fuck He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM Geoff: Aliter: A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, When a man down in front Hollered out "I smell ****" -- Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude! |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM A lady who lived at Throgmorton Had one long tit and one short 'un. As well as that She'd a big, hairy twat And could fart like a 500 Norton. (Norton - a British motor-cycle, 50s vintage.) |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM Bert Hansell : aliter There was a young lady from Hitchin Scratching her crotch in the kitchen. Her mother said 'Rose You've the crabs, I suppose.' Rose said 'Yes, and the fuckers are itchin'!' |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM There was a young goucho called Bruno Who said, "There is one thing I do know: A woman is fine Small boys are divine But the llama is numero uno" |
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Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Date: 09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM There once was a conjurer, Pauk Who performed his tricks in the hall. For his party trick He'd balance on his prick And then roll down the hall on one ball. |
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