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Favorite Limerick [2]

Related threads:
Favourite Limerick [8] (164)
Bawdy Limericks [1] (174)
limericks [10] (79)
Limericks, anyone? [5] (112)
Lyr Req: There was a woman from... (limerick) [4] (9)
Tune Req: Tunes for limericks [11] (17)
Folklore: Limericks [9] (86)
More limericks, eh? Part 3 [7] (76)
Limericks, anyone? Part 2 [6] (23)
Musical Limericks [3] (14)


Potato Fingers 20 Nov 99 - 06:29 PM
20 Nov 99 - 06:44 PM
polesden 20 Nov 99 - 07:02 PM
Micca 20 Nov 99 - 07:06 PM
Alan of Australia 20 Nov 99 - 07:32 PM
Liz the Squeak 20 Nov 99 - 07:54 PM
Bill D 20 Nov 99 - 08:02 PM
sophocleese 20 Nov 99 - 08:14 PM
wildlone 20 Nov 99 - 08:25 PM
Liz the Squeak 20 Nov 99 - 08:33 PM
catspaw49 20 Nov 99 - 09:16 PM
Midchuck 20 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM
_gargoyle 20 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM
Sandy Paton 20 Nov 99 - 10:57 PM
Sandy Paton 20 Nov 99 - 11:01 PM
dwditty 20 Nov 99 - 11:14 PM
Art Thieme 20 Nov 99 - 11:26 PM
WyoWoman 20 Nov 99 - 11:33 PM
Jeri 21 Nov 99 - 12:08 AM
Bugsy 21 Nov 99 - 01:46 AM
21 Nov 99 - 01:55 AM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM
Micca 21 Nov 99 - 06:05 AM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 08:46 AM
Ralph S. 21 Nov 99 - 01:34 PM
Jon Freeman 21 Nov 99 - 03:03 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 21 Nov 99 - 04:00 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 04:13 PM
Jeri 21 Nov 99 - 05:18 PM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM
21 Nov 99 - 05:43 PM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 05:51 PM
rwilhlem 21 Nov 99 - 05:57 PM
Micca 21 Nov 99 - 06:07 PM
Art Thieme 21 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM
Sandy Paton 21 Nov 99 - 06:19 PM
Stewie 21 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 21 Nov 99 - 06:41 PM
_gargoyle 21 Nov 99 - 06:59 PM
i'd rather not say 21 Nov 99 - 07:46 PM
21 Nov 99 - 08:36 PM
Midchuck 21 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 09:34 PM
kendall 21 Nov 99 - 09:36 PM
Dave Swan 21 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM
sophocleese 21 Nov 99 - 10:07 PM
Don Meixner 21 Nov 99 - 11:31 PM
Sandy Paton 21 Nov 99 - 11:52 PM
John in Brisbane 22 Nov 99 - 12:04 AM
Lonesome EJ 22 Nov 99 - 12:28 AM
Blackcat2 22 Nov 99 - 09:30 AM
Dave Swan 22 Nov 99 - 10:40 AM
22 Nov 99 - 02:07 PM
Seonaid 22 Nov 99 - 02:15 PM
Bert 22 Nov 99 - 02:28 PM
Sarah-HS 22 Nov 99 - 03:07 PM
Davey 22 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM
kendall 22 Nov 99 - 04:11 PM
KathWestra 22 Nov 99 - 04:28 PM
bunkerhill 22 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM
Sandy Paton 22 Nov 99 - 05:14 PM
fox4zero 22 Nov 99 - 06:23 PM
A. Non 22 Nov 99 - 07:39 PM
_gargoyle 23 Nov 99 - 01:33 PM
WaltG 23 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM
23 Nov 99 - 02:12 PM
Lonesome EJ 23 Nov 99 - 02:21 PM
Leigh 23 Nov 99 - 05:40 PM
23 Nov 99 - 06:02 PM
Potato Fingers 23 Nov 99 - 10:11 PM
23 Nov 99 - 11:10 PM
23 Nov 99 - 11:13 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 23 Nov 99 - 11:24 PM
annamill 23 Nov 99 - 11:57 PM
Liz the Squeak 24 Nov 99 - 12:29 AM
Micca 24 Nov 99 - 09:14 AM
potato fingers 24 Nov 99 - 11:23 PM
Len Wallace 25 Nov 99 - 01:38 AM
Mooh 12 Jun 00 - 10:34 AM
kendall 12 Jun 00 - 11:14 AM
Mooh 12 Jun 00 - 01:14 PM
GUEST,gblack@ihug.co.nz 14 Dec 01 - 02:47 AM
John MacKenzie 14 Dec 01 - 03:07 PM
Joe_F 14 Dec 01 - 07:55 PM
GUEST,guest 14 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM
GUEST,garrick on da isle 14 Mar 03 - 06:33 PM
Joe_F 14 Mar 03 - 06:43 PM
toadfrog 15 Mar 03 - 05:56 PM
Nigel Parsons 15 Mar 03 - 06:09 PM
Amos 15 Mar 03 - 08:25 PM
John Hardly 15 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM
vectis 15 Mar 03 - 08:48 PM
Rapparee 15 Mar 03 - 09:10 PM
Midchuck 15 Mar 03 - 09:14 PM
GUEST,Dis Guesting 15 Mar 03 - 09:22 PM
Joe_F 15 Mar 03 - 11:39 PM
GUEST,H BOMB THE TERRIBLE 15 Jan 05 - 07:23 PM
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Nerd 17 Jan 05 - 03:21 AM
Tannywheeler 17 Jan 05 - 02:55 PM
Susan A-R 17 Jan 05 - 11:19 PM
Teresa 17 Jan 05 - 11:40 PM
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Bill D 18 Jan 05 - 04:29 PM
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just john 19 Jan 05 - 04:07 PM
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GUEST,Joe_F 04 Jan 06 - 10:19 PM
Gurney 05 Jan 06 - 02:41 AM
GUEST,Kurticus Maximus 16 Feb 11 - 12:09 AM
GUEST,billyo666 06 May 11 - 04:22 PM
GUEST,Here are two of my favourties 11 Aug 11 - 11:17 AM
MGM·Lion 11 Aug 11 - 11:28 AM
John MacKenzie 11 Aug 11 - 11:57 AM
pavane 11 Aug 11 - 06:06 PM
dick greenhaus 11 Aug 11 - 06:26 PM
dick greenhaus 12 Aug 11 - 04:59 PM
Micca 12 Aug 11 - 05:29 PM
Joe_F 12 Aug 11 - 06:18 PM
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Subject: Favorite Limerick
From: Potato Fingers
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 06:29 PM

A mathematician named Paul
had one perfectly spherical ball.
The square of its weight,
plus his pecker times eight,
is his phone number,
give him a call.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 06:44 PM

BS unless you have a tune for it.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: polesden
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:02 PM

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who'd no manners or else she'd forgotten them
At tea at the vicars she tore off her knickers
Because she explained she felt hot in them

Many more like this in a poetry book called 'Verse and Worse' by Arnold Silcock

Regards Bob Merrett


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:06 PM

Yes thre is a song that all the verses are limericks of your choice
The chorus is
That was a terrible rhyme
sing us another one
just like the other one
sing us another one do

I wooed a rude nude in Bermuda
I was rude but mygod she was ruder
the lads in the bar
said I wouldn't get far
but I wooed her pursued her and screwed her

And for those who enjoy wordplay

There was a young lady from Salisbury
Whose manner was Halisbury-scalisbury
she travelled round Hampshire
without any Pampshire
because she'd forgotten to walisbury


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:32 PM

There was a young man from Milan
Whose poetry just didn't scan
He said every time
I write a new rhyme
I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.

And Potato Fingers, yours has cleaned itself up considerably in the 40 years since I first heard it.

Cheers,
Alan


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 07:54 PM

Said the duchess one day at tea, 'Young man, do you fart when you pee?' I replied with some wit, 'Do you belch when you shit?' I think that was one up to me.

There was an old man of Khartoum Who kept two black sheep in his room 'They remind me', he said 'Of two friends who are dead, But I can't quite remember of whom...'

There once was a lady named Gwynne Who was so exceptionally thin, That when she assayed To drink orangeade, She slipped through the straw and fell in.

There once was a fellow named Clyde, Who fell in a cess pit, and died. Edward, his brother Fell into another And now they're interr'd side by side.

There was a young girl of St Bride, Who ate rotten apples and died The apples fermented, Inside the lamented, And made cider inside her inside.

There was a young man of St Just, Who ate apple pie til he bust. It was't the fru-it That caused him to do it, What finished him off was the crust.

There was an old man of Darjeeling, Who travelled from London to Ealing The sign on the door said don't spit on the floor So he got up and spat on the ceiling.

There was an old lady of Tring, Who, when somebody asked her to sing said 'Ain't it odd, I can never tell God Save the weasel from Pop goes the King!'

You really don't know what you have started here - - -

Whilst on honeymoon in Ireland, the other lady with us (don't ask, it is a very long story) decided that she would make a rule. If we went through a town that we knew a song about, we would have to sing it. So, through Dublin we were singing 'Molly Malone', and 'Strawberry beds run down to the Liffey', we sang going over the Bridge of Athlone, and in Lisdoonvarna (yes, a honeymoon in a village popular for its matchmaking fair....). She was winning hands down at this purile game, until we drove through Limerick...... Ah, the merits of a misspent youth, how I wish he were still here......

LTS


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:02 PM

....don't get me started...I have *THE BOOKS*...the BIG collection of limericks..and, MOST of them are on internet sites by now....

but..one of my favorites..

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean...
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

(we used to sing them on occasion..but everyone had slightly different versions of tune and 'bridge'..)


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: sophocleese
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:14 PM

The reverend Henry Ward Beecher called the hen a most elegant creature, the hen pleased with that laid an egg in his hat, and thus did the hen reward beecher.

There was a young man from St. Clair Having his girl on the stair On the 44th stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in midair.

The da dada dada of Bings Talked about God and such things But his secret desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs.

I forget what the dada words are.

I'd rather have fingers than toes, I'd rather have ears than a nose but as for my hair I'm glad its still there I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

I wish that my room had a floor, I don't care so much for a door, but this walking around without touching the ground, is getting to be quite a bore.

ENOUGH!!!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: wildlone
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:25 PM

Looking at the posting from "They that will be nameless"
Is any thread that has not got a tune BS?
If so that must mean that the self appointed censor only wants songs and TUNES posted not just lyrics.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 08:33 PM

There was an old man of Dunoon, Who always ate soup with a fork. For he said, 'As I eat Neither fish, fowl or flesh, I should otherwise finish too quick.

There once was a person from Lyme, Who married three brides at a time. When asked 'Why a third?' He replied, 'One's absurd, And bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

There was a young girl of Madras Who had the most beautiful ass. But not as you'd think, Firm, round and pink, But grey, with long ears and eats grass.

There was a young lady of Wantage, Of whom the town clerk took advantage. Said the borough surveyor, 'Indeed, you must pay 'er, For you've totally altered her frontage!'

There was an old loony of Lyme, Whose candour was simply sublime. When they asked 'Are you there?' 'Yes' he said, 'but take care, For I'm never "all there" at one time!'

And how about these for late at night and p***ed as a fart?

There was a young fellow named Cholmondeley, Whose bride was so mellow and colmondeley, That the best man, Colquhoun, An insane young bolquhoun, Could only stand still and stare dolmondeley.

The bridegrooms' first cousin, young Belvoir, Whose dad was a Lancashire welvoir, Arrived with George Bohun, At just about nohun When excitement was mounting to felvoir.

The vicar - his surname was Beauchamp - Of marriage endeavoured to teauchamp, While the bridesmaid, Miss Marjoribanks Played one or two harjoripranks But the shoe that she threw failed to reauchamp.

Translations available with written application and a bar of chocolate....

LTS


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 09:16 PM

Again Bill...you and I have some strange shit in common...not to mention the schizoid Fielding guy. So...

There once was a young man named Glass,Who had two nuts both made of brass. When he rubbed them together, They played "Stormy Weather," and lightning shot out of his ass.

There once was a man named Magruder, Who met a nude and he wooed her. But she thought it was crude to be wooed in the nude, But Magruder was shrewd and he screwed her.

A lovely lass name of McNair, Was had by a fella' all covered with hair. When he took off his hat, she realized that, She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear.

There was a young couple named Kelly, Who went around belly to belly. Because in their haste they used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly.

An adventurous lady named Alice, used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Dallas.

A new bride living in Norway, Hung by her heels in the doorway. She told her young man, "Get off that divan, I think I've discovered one more way."

A fair young maid from Exeter, was so comely men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave as to take out and wave the distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

A fairy who lived in Khartoum, took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night over who had the right, to do WHAT and with WHICH and to WHOM.

A daring young fellow named Blair, Took his girl up on the stair. But when he gave her a poke, the bannister broke, So he finished the fuck in mid-air.

A humorous young Harvard bloke, Took a Vassar girl out for a poke. He pulled down her pants, Fucked her into a trance...And then shit in her shoe for a joke!

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!I hate my mind...I can remember and invent these ad infinitum..AARRGGHHHH

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM

You're gonna be sorry....

As Titian was mixing rose-madder His model posed nude on a ladder Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

I am a most virtuous bloke I do not drink, swear, chew or smoke All vices eschewing I stick to my screwing And sometimes, on Sundays, snort coke.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM

In an effort to convert this a "Music Thread"

An old college drinking song (unable to locate it in the DT) used Lymerics for the Verse and the Chorus ran something to effect of:

Aye, Yi, Yi, Yi, in China they do it for chili
Oh, lets hear another verse
That's Worse than the other verse
Oh come on now....let's hear one more

The tune was perhaps the Mexican "La Champaneros" (sic)


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 10:57 PM

Jonathan Eberhart taught us "The Limerick Game" while here to make his recording. Played thusly: Each player writes the first and last lines of a limerick, they must scan properly, of course, and rhyme, but should not clearly relate to one another in any way suggesting a tie-in. These two lines are then handed to the player on the left of the originator, who must fill in with the second, third and fourth lines, creating the limerick and a reasonable connection between first and last lines. The resulting limericks are then read to the rest of the players amid loud cheers of admiration. (Hopefully)

For instance: Jonathan wrote:

(1) To the sound of the funeral drum...
(5) In a vat of Dominican rum.

To the sound of the funeral drum,
The mourning procession did come.
Their cries did resound
For their priest, who had drowned

In a vat of Dominican rum.

Similarly, we created:

With the grace of a fragile gazelle
Moved the late actor, Zero Mostel.
How he'd glide 'cross the stage
With his girth, at his age,

Was a secret no one could tell.

Try it some night, when you're tired of all the picking and singing.

Sandy


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:01 PM

I failed to modestly admit that the first and last lines in both examples were Jonathan's, the fill-in lines were mine.

S.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: dwditty
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:14 PM

There was a young man from Nantucket...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Art Thieme
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:26 PM

Tom Paley told me this was the filthiest limerick ever. So bad that 99% of it had to be BLEEPED out.

Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleepity fuck.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: WyoWoman
Date: 20 Nov 99 - 11:33 PM

Who carried her lunch in a bucket...

WW

P.S. This is great. BTW, Gargoyle -- I've also heard that "song." Where did that come from? Have you hear of Dave Mason? Something is ringing a bell associating his name and your limerick song...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 12:08 AM

I've heard the last line of gargoyle's limerick song as:
So waltz me around again, Willie.

Tune - I don't the correct title, but it was used in the US for Frito commercials.
Ay, yi, yi, yi,
I am the Frito Bandito...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bugsy
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:46 AM

There was a young girl from Madras

Who had a remarkable ass

Not rounded and pink as you probably think

It was grey had long ears and ate grass.

Cheers

Bugsy.

PS I notice no one has posted the one about the lady from Uppingham!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:55 AM

There was a young fellow from Boston

Who bought himself a new Austin

There was room for his ass, and a gallon of gas

But his balls hung out and he lost 'em


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM

Judging from the above, my favourite limerick is too gross to post, but it concerns a young lady from Bude.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:05 AM

Stewie do you mean

There was a young lady from Bude
who went for a swim in the lake
a man in a punt
stuck a pole in her ear
saying you can't do that here it is Private


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:46 AM

No, no, no! It was the young lady from Wole's Hill Who sat herself down on a mole's hill The resident mole Stuck its head up her hole The lady's all right, but the mole's ill.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Ralph S.
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 01:34 PM

There once was a woman from the Azores, Who's body was covered in sores, The dogs in the street, Would eat the green meat, That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There once was a man from Brazil, Who swallowed an atomic pill His liver corroded, His stomach exploded, And they found his balls in Brazil!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 03:03 PM

There was an old man from Gosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
Said his wife with a grin
"You put them back in"
Or I'll pick 'em up and I'll squash 'em

Jon


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 04:00 PM

The "Waltz me around again, Willie" limerick song is set to the chorus of "Ceilito Lindo," Gargoyle.

And folks, try to top this one that I got from a small book of dirty limericks by someone called Count Palmiro Vicarion:

My back aches, my penis is sore;
I really can't fuck any more.
I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet,
And, my god! it's a quarter to four!

--seed


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 04:13 PM

there was a young girl named Heather, who's pussy was made out of leather..she attracted the boys by making a noise from rubbing it's edges together. There once was a heathen Chinee who humped an ape in a tree, the result was quite horrid, all ass, no forhead, three balls and a purple gotee. and one I guarantee you have never heard.. there once was an aging folksinger, who caught his dick in a wringer, said he "It's no trouble, I"ll simply redouble my efforts with tongue and with finger." the way I first heard the first one was.. a mathematician named Hall, and a hexahedronical ball, the cube of its weight, plus his pecker, times eight, was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:18 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave...nah, never mind.
There was a young woman named Bright
Who could fuck at the speed of light
She started one day in the usual way
And came on the previous night.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super-sensorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:43 PM

for the musically inclined


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:51 PM

Micca, no it's worse than that.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: rwilhlem
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:57 PM

There was a young man from St. Joe's
Who diddled himself with his toes
He did it so neat
He fell in love with his feet
And christened them Myrtle and Rose

There was a young lady named wild
Who kept herself quite undefiled
by thinking of Jesus
contagious diseases
and the bother of having a child


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:07 PM

Stewie do you mean
There was a young lady from Bude
who danced on the stage in the nude
a man out the front
shouted show us your c**t
Just like that, right out loud f***ing rude


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Art Thieme
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM

this is a keeper thread...


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:19 PM

There was a young man named Tuckingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham,
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fuckingham.

Admirable internal rhyme scheme, eh?


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM

Micca, almost.

There was a young lady from Bude
Who danced on the stage in the nude
When a bloke at the front
Said (loud sniffing noises) I think I smell cunt
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:41 PM

By the way, Art--I heard that one as

There was a blank-blankety-blank
Who blank-blanked a blankety blank. When he blank-blanked the blank
With his blankety-blank,
Then the blank blank blank blankety fuck.

From Ramblin' Jack Elliot back in about 1966.

--seed


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:59 PM

Yes...and also heard the last song line as "Waltz me around by my willie."

Heard this as a rauckus drinking song many years before ever hearing of Dave Mason....


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: i'd rather not say
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 07:46 PM

there was a young maid from st paul wore a newspaper dress to a ball the dress caught on fire and burnt her entire front page, sporting section, and all


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:36 PM

Anyone in the service during the Korean Conflict (never was a war!) should remember hundreds of these. And the chorous sung then was

Aye, Yi, Yi, Yi, we all eat pussy in Puson And here comes another verse That's Worse than the other verse So waltz me around again Willie.

There were contests while marching from point A to point B, 20 miles away, as to how could come up with the most verses.

There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM

"There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean."

A variant of this has as the last line: "With attachments for those in between."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:34 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:36 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Dave Swan
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM

There once was a man named Mc Fee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said "Yes it does,
And I'm glad that it wasn't a hornet."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: sophocleese
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:07 PM

There once was a plumber of Lea who was plumbing his maid by the sea, said the maid "Cease your plumbing, I think someone's coming" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Its me!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Don Meixner
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:31 PM

Dave,

Thats my all time favorite. Written by W S Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan. But I believe rhat the correct line is "There once was a man from St. Bees"

Said the Physicain to his patient named Jacues,

"Can you do it while lacking a cock?",

"Its not as hard as all that,

I use a ball bat,"

"Its called hickory, dickery, Doc"

Don


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:52 PM

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born by the light of the moon.
It wasn't his luck
To be born by a fuck,
But a wet dream, scooped in with a spoon.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:04 AM

From the pen of a meteorologist I used to work with:

If you list life's pleasures no doubt,
Copulation's the first thing you'll shout,
But a piss you'll admit, as well as a shit,
Are joys that can't be left out.

OR

Yallourn is a major coal mining and electricity generation area in Victoria.

An electrical clerk from Yallourn,
An accredited dealer in porn,
Had an order for smut, for a large open cut,
Good spellers are made and not born.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:28 AM

Cute:

There once was a three-legged bear
In the world he had only one care
He never could find
His favorite kind
Of three-legged underwear

Nasty:

There once was a man named Canute
Who had three little warts on his root
He used acid on these
And now when he pees
He handles his root like a flute


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Blackcat2
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 09:30 AM

I heard the "filthiest Limerick Ever" this way: It was told to my Dad just after WWII by none other than Winston Churchill.

"It seems that the BBC wanted to lift the spirits of the British people during the war and one idea they had was to have a limerick contest. The winner would receive 100 Pounds and his or her limerick would be read on the radio all over the English speaking world. Thousands of entries poured in and finally the winning entry was chosen. Of course, because it was the BEST LIMERICK EVER, it embraced the traditional logic of "there are good limericks and there are clean limericks, but there are no good, clean limericks." So the BBC was in a bind. They knew, from the start, that they'd have to use language not heard on the BBC normally, but this limerick used words with which even the creators of the O.E.D. were only haltingly familiar. The BBC comprimised with the poet and decided to "beep" out the most offensive words and hope that the limerick would remain intact. So after many hours of work this is the limerick as it was presented on the BBC:

Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep, fuckin' cunt.

pax yall


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Dave Swan
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 10:40 AM

Thanks Don,

Glad to have the attribution. It came to me through the oral tradition, and you know how that goes. Cheers, D.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:07 PM

Here's one of my favorite "dirties" --

A maiden not otherwise crude, Once strolled down the road in the nude. A man came along, And, unless I am wrong -- You expected this line to be lewd.

This original "clean" won a prize from an Irish-American newspaper:

Maureen gave her doctor a sore shock When he tried to interpret her Rorschach. "This blot is OBSCENE!" She declared, "Well, I mean, It's a SASSENACH playing the clairseach!"

(Translations, if needed: Sassenach = Englishman; clairseach, pronounced "clahr-shock" = traditional Celtic harp)


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Seonaid
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:15 PM

The Clairseach limerick was mine -- and very strange it looks, all stretched out in one line. I wonder why the line breaks didn't show up? Is there some trick to that, or do you just have to take your chances on format? (This is my first time posting.)

Here's another original:

Said Phelimy Boyle to the vicar, "Don't ask me to give up the liquor! I can't even think it; My wife makes me drink it -- It makes more than just my SPEECH thicker!"

Carry on!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bert
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:28 PM

Well Welcome aboard Seonaid!
For line feeds you need to insert < BR >

Bert.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sarah-HS
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:07 PM

I actually won a $250.00 prize for this one:

A poet whose life was perverse Has his days and his nights it reverse He awoke every night With a yearning to write Thus going from bed to verse

And another favorite of mine is:

There once was a fellow from Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds An acre of grass Grew out of his ass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Davey
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM

There was a young fellow named Herkin
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin
His momma said, "Herkin
Quit jerkin' yer gherkin.
Yer gherkin's fer ferkin, Herkin."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:11 PM

One more and that is it... It was rumored that Shakespere took a bet in a pub that he could make up a limerick using the home town name of another boozer. After taking the bet, Bill asked the name of the mans town, and, he replied, "I'm from Wales, and the name of the town is Aberistwith." Shakespere wrote.. There was a girl from Aberistwithe who went to the mill they ground grist withe, there, a fella named Jack laid her flat on her back, and united the things that they pissed withe.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: KathWestra
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:28 PM

Davey -- You posted a variant of a favorite limerick that I first heard attributed to Allan Block, fiddler, poet, and sandal-maker long of New York City and now of New Hampshire. The way I heard it was:

There once was a man named McGurkin,
Whose gherkin he always was jerkin'.
Said his wife to McGurkin, "Quit jerkin' your gherkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin, McGurkin."

My other favorite, which is actually clean, is:

There was a young lady from Dole,
Whose wit was exceedingly droll,
She went to a ball dressed in nothing at all,
And backed in, as a Parker House roll.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bunkerhill
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM

Almost clean: Mary had an aeroplane In which she used to frisk Wasn't she the silly girl She had her *


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 05:14 PM

Is there some way we could award "Limerick honors" to the very welcome new Mudcatter, Seonaid (and while we're at it, get Joe to add the necessary line breaks)? Those are genuine gems, Seonaid!

Sandy


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: fox4zero
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 06:23 PM

Have not had so many laughs for a long time. I would like to tidy up one of the earlier entries:

Alas for nymphomanical Alice She used a dynamite stick for a phallas. They found her vagina in North Carolina and a piece of her ass in Dallas

The seguey was:

Aye Aye Aye Aye In China they never eat chile So here comes the next verse Its worse that the last verse So waltz me around again Willie.

Thanks for the laughs. PARISH


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: A. Non
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 07:39 PM

"Ay, yi, yi, yi," is a common introductory line of verses of the Inferior Bawdy Celts of Eire, and sung to the Gaelic tune of "Cielito Lindo", with 3 improvised lines like, "I'd rather get laid than get eaten, So sing me a chorus, While I eat your Clitoris," and ending with something like "So waltz me around again Willie". There are some examples sung by the decadent Gaelic nightingale Rusty Warren on 'Songs for Sinners', Jubilee LP 2024. Martyn Green just recited samples (Sassenach style) on Riverside RLP 7001. A clan of the Greater Bawdy Celts, around Limerick, from whom the name comes, could come up with 5 lines all on their own. A small sample of 1739 of these little rhymes was laboriously translated into English, and given by the notorious Celtic schollar Gershon Legman in a small book imaginatively titled 'The Limerick', with a few supplementary ones (2750) in 'The New Limerick'. Rumour has it that some misguided soul, doubtlessly to discredit the Celts, made up a non-bawdy Limerick, but so far it's eluded my searches.

Further meticulous research, aided by discovery of The Greater Book of the Bawdy Celts under a French title, and its translation into English has given rise to a further report on the poetic, musical, and historio-erotic remains of the early Celts. This is combined with the earlier report, available via Old Blue.

Hey, Old Blue, down here


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:33 PM

There was a young man from Beirut
Who was troubled by warts on his root.
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He can finger his root like a flute.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: WaltG
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM

There once was a man from St Kitts, Who planted ten acres of tits, They came up in the fall big nipples and all, and he happily chewed them to bits.

Ther once was a hermit named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said with a grunt, I know its dead cunt, But think of the money I save.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:12 PM

Another young man, from Beirut
Played a penis as one might a flute
Till he met a sad eunuch
Who lifted his tunic
And said, "Sir, my insturment's mute.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:21 PM

There once was a fellow named Ghandhi
Went into a pub for a shandy
While draining his cup
His robe he hiked up
And the Barmistress cried "What a Dandy!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Leigh
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 05:40 PM

There once was a lawyer named Rex With diminutive organs of sex. When arraigned for exposure, He replied with composure: "De minimis non curat lex."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 06:02 PM


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Potato Fingers
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 10:11 PM

Christ, you people are killing me.

I love this place.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:10 PM

Getting back to music,

There was a young fellow, quite crass,
Whose balls were made out of brass
He clanged them together
And played Stormy Weather
While lightning shot of his ass.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:13 PM

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose took was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He shoved it in double
But instead of coming he went


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:24 PM

Let's get back to that hermit named Dave
Who kept his dead whore in his cave:
Said he, "I'll admit
That I love that dead tit,
But it's really the maggots I crave."

--seed


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: annamill
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:57 PM

There was a young lady from Nices (wherever that is) who had breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large, and won prizes.

Thank you, Thank you, Annap


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 12:29 AM

OK, it's late, (well, early for me, it's 5am, insomniacs of the world - go to bed!!)

In a whorehouse in C*nt Lane, Devizes, They take on men's c*cks of all sizes. From one inch up to ten, It depends on your yen, For bigger knobs still, there's free prizes.

There was a young whore named Diana Who would have anyone for a tanner Amidst roars of applause, She'd let down her drawers And tighten her c*nt with a spanner.

In spite of a wasting disease, O'Reilly went down on his knees, before altars of gods, Whores, boys and small dogs, And all this for very low fees.....

Petunia, the prude of Mount Hood Devised an odd object of wood. Which, emloyed on hot nights, Gave her carnal delights Far beyond what the average man could!

A gold digging doxy from Darien, Laughed at Seth, the old bloke she was marryin' On their wedding night,Seth Screwed the poor girl to death Quite a feat for an octogenarian!

LTS


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 09:14 AM

A young gynecologist named Chaste
called out to his colleague" Make haste
I've a patient named Helen
with a clit like a melon"
" No, I don't mean the size, I mean taste


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: potato fingers
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 11:23 PM

Kurt Vonnegut gave us:
    There was a young man from Stamboul
    Who soliloquized thus to his tool:
    "You took all my wealth
    and you ruined my health,
    and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

...and from John Steinbeck:

    There was a young man from Jolon
    Who got tired of being alone
    so he went to King City
    to get something pretty
    puta chingada cabron.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Len Wallace
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 01:38 AM

There once was a man named Lancelot Who looked at the ladies askance a lot. Whenevr he'd pass a delectable lass The front of his pants would advance a lot.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Mooh
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 10:34 AM

There's always time for a revival.

A Newfoundland boy from Placentia / Was in love to the point of dementia, / But his love couldn't burgeon / With his touch-me-not virgin / Till he screwed her by hand, in absentia.

Sorry, not sure from whence it came, tee hee.

Peace, Mooh.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 11:14 AM

I heard it this way..a mathmetician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was 4/5ths of 5/8ths of fuck all.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Mooh
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 01:14 PM

Very good Kendall, now go to the head of the class.

Try this:

If some are perpetually high,/It's Canadian whiskey, is why./But in terms of performance/It expediates dormance/It's harder to come through the rye.

I stick to Canadian beer, Mooh.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,gblack@ihug.co.nz
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 02:47 AM

There was a young lady from Cape Cod Who thought all babies came fromG God But it wasn't the almighty who lifted her nighty It were Roger the lodger the sod

There once were a man who averred that he'd learnt to fly like a bird And from the church steeple in front of some fourty people he leapt This tomb states the date it occurred


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 03:07 PM

There was a young lady,she was Greek
Who had her monthlies twice a week
Said her young man from Woking, most provoking
No poking, so to speak.

There was a young girl from Pitlochry,
Who was having a screw in a rockery
When she found that he'd come, all over her tum
She said that's not a f**k, it's a mockery

Failte .....Jock


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:55 PM

To his wife said the sharp-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your west tit the least bit
The best of your east tit,
Or is it a fault of perspective?

You can smoke a symbolic cigar.
You can ride in a long, sexy car.
But a phallic church steeple,
To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Now everyone wants a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
But between butch and bitch
Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

There was once an old man of great fame,
Who, when asked how he did with a dame,
Said, "In order to please her,
I reversed Julius Caesar:
I saw, I conquered, I came."

From the crypt of the church at St Giles
There came shrieks that resounded for miles.
Said the priest, "Goodness gracious!
Dear Brother Ignatius
Forgets that the Bishop has piles."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM

Viagra, to which I'm addicted
Works better by far than predicted.
It has gone from quite limp,
To as big as a blimp,
Which is more than my previous dick did.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,garrick on da isle
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:33 PM

mary had a little bike
she road it back to frount
every time the wheels went round the spokes went up er cu*t

there was a young lady named ilean
who wanted to wet wash er sieling
so she layed on er back
and opend er crack
and pi**ed all over the sieling

mary had a little lam
er dad shot it dead
now she takes it into school
between 2 bits of bread

thanck for listeng all


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:43 PM

The bishop elect of Hong Kong
Had a dong that was ten inches long.
He thought the spectators
Were admiring his gaiters
When he went to the gents'. He was wrong.

-- W. H. Auden


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: toadfrog
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 05:56 PM

Said Francesca, "My lack of volition,
Is leading me straight to perdition!
For I haven't the strength
To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 06:09 PM

There was a young man named Paul
Who went to a fancy dress ball
For the sake of some fun
He dressed up as a bun
But a dog ate him up in the hall.

There was a young man who, gingerly
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
As he ripped off his vest,
He thought 'twould be best
To add incest to insult to injury.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:25 PM

There was a young fairy named Broome
Took a lesbian up to his room!
But they argued all night,
About who had the right
To do what
And with which
And to whom!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM

Rice, Gambetta, Crary and Car-
Lini, Lawrence, Sawtelle, and Starr
White, White, and Watson
Hurst, Blake and Sutton
They sure know their flatpick guitar!

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

They're masters of the six-stringer
Though few claim the title "singer"
Donohue, Reed, Baughman
Hedges, DeGrassi and Mann
Though none named more aptly than Finger.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: vectis
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:48 PM

I heard that one as
There was a young chap from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
As they lay on the bed
He turned round and said
"Now who does what, with what, and to whom"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:10 PM

Wish I remembered the first of two limericks, but this is the second:

The Rector of Dustin St. Just
Consumed with canonical lust,
Raped the Bishop's prize fowls
His precious young owls
And a little green lizard, what bust.

One more:

There were two old maids of Nottingham
And this is the story concerning 'em:
The lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:14 PM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly
By the time that a Brahmin
Got to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly.

P.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Dis Guesting
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:22 PM

There was a young lady from Wick
Who said "Mother , What is a prick"
She said "Its a rissole you stuff up your piss'ole
and waggle about till it's sick"

There was a young lady from Ealing
who danced with such exquisite feeling.
that the only clear sound to be heard for miles around
was fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

There was a young chap from Montrose
who wanked underneath the bed clothes
Said his mother with joy "he's a broth of a boy",
"But he's a bugger for blowing his nose


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 11:39 PM

Rapaire: The story continues:

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool:
He'd been to divinity school.
So he hauled down his breeches
And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the bishop was thru,
"The vicar was quicker
And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,H BOMB THE TERRIBLE
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 07:23 PM

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM CALCUTTA
WHO SPOKE WITH A TERRIBLE STUTTER
TO THE WAITER HE SAID
IL'E HAVE SOME B B B BREAD
AND SOME B B B B B B BUTTER
...............
MAKES ME LAFF EVERY TIME


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Leadfingers
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:31 PM

Gods plan made a hopeful beginning
But Man went and spoilt it by sinning
We trust that the story
will end in gods glory
But at present the other sides winning


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Nerd
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:21 AM

There once was a man from Australia

Who Painted his arse like a dahlia

The color was fine

Likewise the design

But the aroma--Ugh! That was a failure



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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 02:55 PM

Sorry, folks this one's clean -- my "baby girl" wrote it for her teacher when she was in the 5th grade (11 yrs old; she's now almost 35):
      "A grasshopper hopped on the square;
       He hopped on a girl sitting there.
       He chirped in her ear, which filled her with fear,
       And sent her sky-high in the air."
Tw


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Susan A-R
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:19 PM

In the garden of Eden sat Adam, complacently stroking his madam.Twas a grand situation, in all of creation there were only two balls and he had 'em.

There once was a whore from Peru who stuffed her vagina with glue. Said she with a grin, if they pay to get in, they'll pay to get out of it too.

Oh man! What a thread!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:40 PM

Oh, they're so much fun. :) Still have Isaac Asimov's on my reading list. :D

Here's one I er ... found or composed, though I didn't know alan of Australia's at all. (way up top there)

There once was a man of our time
Who tried his best to rhyme.
He thought and he thought,
His brain in a knot,
But all he could do was write non sequiturs.

Does anyone have the one i heard on "Are You Being Served"? (UK comedy program) about the tattoo in Braille? I love that one, but couldn't catch it in time. :)

Teresa


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:57 PM

Sorry, just half-remembered something from my childhood:

A wonderful beak has the pelican.
His beak can hold more than his bellican.
He keeps in his beak
Enough food for a week,
But I doubt if I see how the hellican.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:29 AM

Here's another non-naughty one, and it's even musically connected:

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot,
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Now here's one of my own: (Only slightly naughty)

There was a young lady from Clare
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or so we all thought
Till her left one got caught
On a nail and began losing air.

Now, everybody knows...

...the youmg man who came from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he licked his foreskin,
"If my ear was a c-nt, I could f-ck it!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:34 AM

LOL Guest!!


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 04:29 PM

oh, YES Teresa....I once quoted that limerick at our Getaway, only to hear a guffaw from behind me as out one blind member was 'amused'.

A clever young hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind.
A duplicate version in braille.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Songster Bob
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 03:40 PM

Well, here's one I haven't seen written here yet:

A randy young man, name of Arden,
Got a blow-job in the garden.
When he said, "My dear Flo,
Where does my cum go?"
She answered, [Gulp!] "Beg your pardon?"

And a variation of one already printed:

There were two sisters of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em,
That they lifted the frock, and tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.


And verses from "Frigging in the Rigging" goes

The captain of the lugger
Was such a filthy bugger
Declared unfit to shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The captain's lovely daughter
She fell into the water
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

That'll do, I think.


Songbob


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 03:49 PM

Oh yep, thanks, bill! Heeheehee!

Teresa


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: just john
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:07 PM

(Most of my faves are from Pynchon's "Rocket Limericks," which I have tapes of myself singing ... They're about Allied troops who encounter a German V2 site and (variously) fall in love, or at least lust.)

There once was a fellow named Ritter
who slept with a guidance transmitter
It shriveled his cock
which fell off in his sock
and made him exceedingly bitter


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:11 PM

I am so happy to find this thread! My faverite one comes from a great mandolin player named Gordon Titcolm . THis one has been with me for years :

                Religius:

There was a preacher of Kings
         Who preached of heavenly things
But his secret desire,
          Was a boy in the chior,
With a bum, like jelly on springs!

                   Literary:

Under the spreading chestnut tree
             The village idiot sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
               And catching the stuff in his hat

               Cinamatic:
             (from Bridgit Jones ) hearsay told to Hugh Grant   by Colin Firth)
               related to above post .

WARNING ROOD

There was a young woman of Ealing
                Who had a paculiar feeling
she lay on her back and opend her crack
             And pissed all over the ceiling


Sorry about the last one but interesting story connected to it. Who would have thought Collin Firth knew such a limmerick ! MR DARCY !


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Schantieman
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 07:51 AM

Teresa - the one about the pelican is by Edward Lear. Or possibly Hilaire Belloc.   Between them they wrote 250% of all clean limericks.

Two from my childhood:

There was an old lady from Harrow
Who went round the world ina barrow
In crossing Ben Nevis
She fell down a crevice
For the path was exceedingly narrow

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wond'rous collection of lumber
Old boots and tin whistles
A brush without bristles
Three harps and a fossilised plumber

and one from slightly later, related to Nerd's:

There once was a man of Westphalia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But threepence a lick was a fahlia.

Steve


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: voyager
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 10:24 AM

For my teenage son (who hates math tests) ...

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who found the cube root of infinity.
But it gave him such fidgits
To add up the digits,
He chucked math
And took up divinity

voyager


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 11:49 AM

The one I know about the Bishop of Birmingham has him as the perpetrator:

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered two maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,patrick
Date: 04 Jan 06 - 12:52 AM

A fisherman from fair San Diego
For years cast his line in the bay tho,
As time carried on
All the fishies were gone
So he jumped in and went
To where they go


pat


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Jan 06 - 10:19 PM

In the chorus mentioned several times above, "In China they do it for chili" might be followed up, next time, with "In Chile they do it with turkeys", and then "In Turkey they do it with grease", and then "In Greece they do it for china", and then on.

--- Joe Fineman    joe_f@verizon.net

||: The people who do the work have to be paid, and the people who let them do it have to be paid off. :||


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 02:41 AM

There was a young man from Coomb Martin,
who had an immaculate partin'.
He said that the knack, was to stand back-to-back
with an elephant, just when it's       not too far away.

I think that one came from The Pigsty Hill Light Orchestra.

There was a young fiddler in Rio,
was courting a maiden named Cleo.
As she took off her panties, she said, "no Andante's.
I want this Allegro, con Brio!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Kurticus Maximus
Date: 16 Feb 11 - 12:09 AM

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,billyo666
Date: 06 May 11 - 04:22 PM

There once was a man from Nantucket Who carried his balls in a bucket.and he said to his hon while fondling one if this were an oyster i'd shuck it


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Here are two of my favourties
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:17 AM

There was an old bishop from Bavery
Addicted to deeds obscene and unsavory
Amidst rumbles and howls
He deflowered young owls
In the depths of his underground aviary

A young man from Ulysses,
had balls of different sizes.
One was small,
almost no ball at all.
The other was HUGE and won prizes.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:28 AM

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal.
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:57 AM

This occurred to me, in light of the wee disturbances in Tottenham.

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who'd no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em
While at tea at the vicar's
She took of her knickers
Because she explained, she felt 'ot in 'em.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: pavane
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 06:06 PM

A great many of the above were published in the Pan book of Limericks, around 1970 - yes I know there are other sources, but that book seems particularly well plundered.

One more from that source, I think

Young girls who frequent picture palaces
Set no store by psychoanalysis
Though the late Mr Freud
Got rather annoyed
They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 06:26 PM

There once was a maid named Bathsheba
Who made love to a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur "ich liebe"

There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode 'er


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 04:59 PM

A jaunty young lady named Alice
Once pissed in an Anglican chalice.
She said "I do this
From desire to piss
And not from sectarian malice"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: Micca
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 05:29 PM

Speaking of Nantucket, I have always had a soft spot for the pair of Clean Limericks about it
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 06:18 PM

There was also a man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
    When asked to come out,
    He'd just sit there and shout,
"Up your ********, you ******* -- and **** it!"


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Ken Brock
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 08:53 PM

One that I wrote many years ago:

There once was an uncultured Haitian
Quite lacking in his education.
The class that he sat in
Turned out to be Latin,
And declined his first conjugation.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 09:03 PM

The babe, with a cry brief and dismal
Fell into the waters baptismal.
Ere they'd gathered its plight
It had sunk out of sight
For the depth of the font was abysmal.


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 03:24 AM

There once was a maid from Geneva
Who got a giraffe to relieve her
The result of the fuck
Was a bald headed duck
Two snakes and a spotted retriever


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 11 - 05:37 PM

There once was a man from Kankanee
who found it uncannily canny
that a canner can can what a canner can can,
but a canner can't can a can can he?


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Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: radriano
Date: 01 Dec 11 - 03:08 PM

A brilliant surgeon named Taylor
Grafted tits on the back of a sailor
If his ass had held out there is not a doubt
That the cash would have filled up a whaler

This thread has been hit a lot by spammers so is TEMPORARILY closed. If you wish to post to it, ask Joe or a moderator to reopen it.


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