BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: TIA
Date: 31 Jan 03 - 08:51 AM

Jesus once tried to get amorous with Mary Magdalene, but don't worry, nothing happened...he touched it, and it healed.

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Bagpuss
Date: 31 Jan 03 - 08:58 AM

Why did Popeye punch Jesus?

Because he went to Mount Olive.

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: TIA
Date: 31 Jan 03 - 09:17 AM

Jesus went to a disco, but it turns out he couldn't dance very well. He finally called out "Help, I've risen and I can't get down!"

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: *daylia*
Date: 01 Feb 03 - 08:44 AM

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: *daylia*
Date: 02 Feb 03 - 09:41 AM

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

He had to feed a crowd at a moment notice when there was no food

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do

Reverently,

daylia    :-)

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Feb 03 - 04:50 PM

A late addition to the "Jesus saves" series:

Jesus saves... but the Mongol hoards.

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Trevor
Date: 07 Feb 03 - 05:04 PM

When JC arrived at the pearly gates, the gatekeeper asked him what he had in mind now.
'I'm going to search for my father' he said.
No sooner had he taken a step in to heaven than he saw in the distance an old man with a long white robe and a long grey beard, who seemed to be searching.
'What are you searching for old man?' he asks.
'My son' replies the old boy.
'What does he look like?' asks JC with mounting excitement.
'Well, he's got holes in his hands and feet....'
JC flings his arms around the man, weeping, and crying 'Father, father....!'
'Pinocchio....?' says the old man.

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: GUEST,Taylor
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 10:40 AM

Jesus returns to earth and, looking round, he sees most men wearing smart suits. He decides he should update his image and finds a reasonably priced Jewish tailor and asks to be measured for a suit. The tailor asks him to stand next the wall of the shop so that he can measure his hieght, proceeds to measure his waist, chest, inside leg, etc. He then has to measure his outstreched arms. Christ complies; at which point the tailor pulls out a hammer and nails and nails him to the wall. While walking away he shakes his head and says "Some people never learn".

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Trevor
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 11:05 AM

Stretchiest material in the Bible? Skin - 'Abraham tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles in to the desert..'

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 11:19 AM

The church decide to put on a nativity play in Ireland, but have to cancel when they can't find three wise men.
The church move the set-up Eastward to the Welsh valleys, but fail to find a virgin.
Finally they move the set-up Eastward again to England, but give up completely when they can't find anyone who knows the plot!

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: allanwill
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 11:52 AM

A carpenter gets called to a nunnery for some urgent repair work.

He's busily hammering away when the inevitable happens; he misses the nail and hits his thumb.

"Ah, fuckin' missed the bastard", he screams, just as the Mother Superior is walking past.

"Oh my goodness, young man. Don't you know it's blasphemy to swear in a house of God. If you do that again God will strike you down"

"Sorry, mum" he says. "It won't happen again".

Unfortunately, it does. Another nail missed and "Ah, fuckin' missed the bastard" just as the MS walks past.

"I've warned you already, young man. If it happens again, I can assure you God will strike you down".

Profuse apologies from the carpenter can't stop fate from taking a hand and after another missed nail and another "Ah, fuckin' missed the bastard", pandemonium breaks loose.

Thunder rolls across the sky and a massive bolt of lightning tears through the roof of the building and lands right next to the very frightened carpenter. And a voice booms out:


"AH, FUCKIN' MISSED THE BASTARD".

Allan

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 11:55 AM

Well, you can always ask him when you get there. I suggest you pack for really warm weather, just in case.

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: boab d
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 08:28 PM

the best one i ve ever heard is the one
What do the letters INRI mean on top of a crucifix?
I'm Nailed Right In
tee hee
Dylan

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Feb 03 - 10:13 PM

Okay, Amos and Rapaire, Jesus and Moses are playing golf, right? Well, Jesus's tee shot lands a few feet before a lake with the green just on the other side.

"What do you think, Mo," asked Jesus, "a seven iron?"

"Nah, J.C, think ya' better use the 6 iorn", said Moses.

Well, Jesus shugged of Moses's advice and used the 7 iron only to have the ball clear all but a few inches of the late. Splash.

Jesus was o mad that he just grabbed his picthing wedge and walked right over the lake toward where the ball had landed.

Two other golfer saw all this and one yelled over at Moses, "Who the Hell does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

To which Moses yelled back, " No, he *is* Jesus Christ. But he *thinks* he's Tiger Woods!"

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From:
Date: 09 Feb 03 - 12:04 AM

Similar to some above, but here goes...

Proof that Jesus was Irish:

He had 12 drinking buddies.

He didn't leave home til he was 30.

His mother thought he was God.


Bill

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Cluin
Date: 09 Feb 03 - 01:48 PM

From an 8 year old's perspective (an excerpt taken from an essay on God handed in at school):

...Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and people finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.
But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did...

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: *daylia*
Date: 09 Feb 03 - 04:09 PM

Jesus Will Save Me

A priest was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the
sea. As the water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly
approached the island.

"Come on, father, get in!" said the boatman.

"No," said the priest on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He
will save me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up
to the priest's chest, another boat appeared.

"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman.
Again, the priest said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save
me!"

The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up
to the priest's chin, a third boat appeared.

"Get in, this is your last chance!"

"No, Jesus will save me!"

So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the priest
drowned. He went up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.

"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me
drown! I don't believe it!"

"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three boats to save
you! THREE!!"
_______________________________________________________________________

Pssssst - maybe there's a bit of truth in there as to HOW Jesus saves!

daylia

Subject: RE: BS: I bet JC had a sense of humour
From: Cluin
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 10:40 PM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis...

Upon a day, Adam and Eve didst complaineth unto the Lord, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God answered, "Harken then unto Me! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that you are loved by me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves. And the sign of this love will be the wagging of its tail."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail as 'twas foretold.

But Adam didst complain further, "Lord, I have already used up my store of names in naming all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God didst sigh and say, "Then harken yet again, man. Because I have created this animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy with his new name and did wag his tail in love, as 'twas foretold.

But in the fullness of time, later that same week, it came to pass that the archangel Phil came unto the Lord and said, "Lord, behold how Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration, even as gods themselves. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "Well, it's your turn to give a harken, now, Phil! For, lo, I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created another new animal to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And this new animal would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into its eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Eve was allergic and did sneeze mightily in its presence, but for fear of the Lord's displeasure, the did not send the creature away, but kept it near them. And they named the animal "Cat" in imitation of the sound it made in coughing up its hairballs in their presence.

And thus did Adam and Eve learn humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat gaveth not a shit one way or t'other.