Folky Jokes and Stories

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: RTim
Date: 23 Dec 21 - 02:28 PM

My CD's are for sale at the interval...If you buy one and get home and play it, but Don't like it...Post it back to me.......and I'll send you a Cd I don't like....

Tim Radford (First heard from Kevin Burke!!)

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Neil D
Date: 23 Dec 21 - 02:19 PM

What do you call a guitar player with no girlfriend? Homeless.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 23 Dec 21 - 10:31 AM

How many female singers does it take to sing a Patsy Cline song?

All of them.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 21 - 02:07 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb

4

1 to change it and 3 to sing about how good the dead one was

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 21 - 01:59 AM

The definition of ' perfect pitch ' is, hitting the skip first throw at 5 yards with a banjo and it smashes a bodhran and an accordion when it lands.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 21 - 01:22 PM

Bumper sticker: Driver is a folk singer. No cash in car.

Banjo, banjo, burning bright
In the bonfire of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Dared to play you? No, not I!

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: GUEST,jim bainbridge
Date: 22 Dec 21 - 01:04 PM

did you hear about the folksinger who won the lottery?

'Will it change your life?' asked a friend.

'No' he replied 'I'll just keep on doing gigs until it's all gone'

nb I've never won the lottery.... he muttered bitterly

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 22 Dec 21 - 07:27 AM

Perfect pitch is the ability to toss an accordion into the dumpster (skip) without hitting the sides.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: The Sandman
Date: 21 Dec 21 - 03:26 AM

Many years ago i learned a song called Rise up Jock.
I learned the song by ear, and misheard the line "and by there came a band of men" as "and by there came a Bantam Hen" i could not wotk out why the Bantam Hen featured in a mummers play, perhaps a bit of voodoo?

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 08:11 PM

One of the best I ever heard was from Eric Bogle, on his UK farewell tour, playing in Scotland. 2 very large guys arrived rather late in the first half of his concert; had to literally climb over other people in the front row to get to their seats right under Eric’s nose.
He stopped playing and addressed these 2 gents: “Well guys, I’ve come all the way from Australia and I got here on time: what kept you??”

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 20 Dec 21 - 05:24 PM

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians    ……………… a drummer !

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Dec 21 - 06:34 PM

Martin Parson only offered one CD!

I wonder if this thread contains the story of the band fed up with the constant drunken requests for some Dylan. Without consultation, each member started playing something - all different - & the person posting commented it didn't sound bad.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: GerryM
Date: 19 Dec 21 - 06:09 PM

This thread has drifted far from the original call for musician's jokes and stories. Here are a few jokes I remember:

James Keelaghan, back when the Global Financial Crisis was making mincemeat out of people's retirement plans, explaining why it didn't affect him: "I'm a folksinger – my retirement plan is death."

Colum Sands, on the strangest request he ever got from an audience member: "Sing the one about the woman with the hairy tongue!" He couldn't for the life of him figure out what the person wanted, until she sang him a few bars: "Her hairy tongue over her shou-ou-lder, tied up in a black velvet band."

Ed Miller's introduction to a tune: "This was written in 1916, but I play it in 4/4 because it's much easier."

I know a lot of musicians have made this joke, but I first heard it from Jason Roweth, on the guarantee that came with buying his latest CD: "If you don't like it, send it back to us, and we'll send you two that we don't like."

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 19 Dec 21 - 04:20 PM

She was so ugly as a kid that when she jumped in the sandbox the cat would try and cover her up.

Heard that from am old fiddle player many years ago.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 21 - 02:58 PM

Doc Watson tells a great story about a Quaker, a Baptist, and a recalcitrant cow...

Haven't seen the name Brautigan in decades.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 02:41 PM

North East London saying - Three stops short of Dagenham !

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 02:00 PM

I'm glad Guest Jean dug up this thread; I haven't laughed so hard since the hogs ate Grannie!.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: GUEST,Jean H
Date: 01 Jun 09 - 10:47 AM

This was one of my dad's favourites:-

Early in the morning in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Got out their swords and shot each other

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Allan C.
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 10:29 AM

Many years ago in the "hills" of West Virginia four brothers with whom I am acquainted wandered out on foot one early winter day to visit a neighbor's still a mile or so away. They stayed there and drank for most of the evening. At some point he soberest of the bunch (by a small margin, I'm certain) saw that the weather was turning bad and persuaded the rest that it was time to start the long walk home. After an hour of staggering through pelting snow, they arrived at their farmhouse. Their father smiled at their condition but expressed concern that one of the brothers didn't make the return trip.

One of the boys explained, "Oh, he passed out on the way back here, Pop. But don't worry about him. We built a fence around him so the hogs wouldn't eat him."

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Margo
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 09:56 AM

Speaking of odd types, one day in the cafe a grasshopper clone came in. You know, "Grasshopper", the nickname for Caine given to him by the shou lin master (sic) in the TV series Kung Fu. (Now I'm doubting myself, was that the name of the program?)

Anyway, to put it bluntly, this guy needed a bath. His long hair hung freely, his feet were as brown as his sandals. He wore a large blanket with a hole cut in it poncho style, and over his shoulder a ceramic flute hung. He stood in the middle of the room and began playing the flute in long low tones, with no melody in particular. My gentleman customer saw my dismay, and exclaimed, "No one wants to hear that here."

The blanket clad wanderer slowly lowered the flute and his eyes, and bowing, said, "As you wish." It was all I could do to keep from exploding with laughter. As a comic, he wouldn't be funny. But the fact that he took himself seriously was hilarious.

Then he asked if he could work for food. Again the gentleman addressd the beggar saying, "Why don't you go home and take a bath?" The wanderer held out his arms, and looking down at himself he explained in slow deliberate speech, "This........is my home."

Now I can only guess at what this creature must have thought of people's reactions to his performance. But when the lady at the table then asked him, "Where's the bathroom?", there was a hearty round of laughter followed by the exit of the wanderer, flute, home and all.

Oh boy.

Margarita

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Margo
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 09:32 AM

Here's a story about those type sayings. When I owned a small cafe is Southern Oregon I used to get all kinds of folks passing through. One couple was from Canada. They enjoyed their lunch and we chatted a fair amount, as I usually did with my customers.

Then a very odd sort came in briefly, who seemed to be in a state of confusion. I can't remember why he had wandered into the cafe, but after he had left, the Canadian couple and I began to make the requisite comments.

He's one card shy of a full deck, He's got one wheel in the sand, the elevator doesn't go to the top floor, etc.. The friendly Canadian's paid with a traveller's cheque, which is like cash. I took is readily, but when I got to the bank, they pointed out that even though it was an American Express traveller's cheque, it was in Canadian dollars. I lost my profit to the exchange rate.

I really felt like I was the one who had one wheel in the sand!

Margarita

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 03:30 AM

Talking of " a few cards shy..", "a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic" is a favourite around here. I once heard on the radio the then Irish premier Charles Haughy was "three seats short of a majority", which could apply to most politicians, I reckon. The phrase "lost your marbles" comes from the French, did you know? "Il n'a pas tous sons meubles": "he hasn't got all his furniture"

Steve

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 12:44 AM

Catspaw ol buddy...much as I'd like to take credit, it was a Richard Brautigan quote

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 12:26 AM

How 'bout a few cards shy of a full deck?

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Mar 99 - 12:19 AM

All good ones Barry, but Lonesome!!!!....Man, where did you get that last one?????? Just beautiful!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 04 Mar 99 - 11:57 PM

Barry...don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like the kind of guy that would sell a rat's asshole to a blind man for a wedding ring. :}

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Barry Finn
Date: 04 Mar 99 - 10:35 PM

Oh shit, I forgot the thread about lighten up. I WAS only trying to be humorus in the above, honest. Barry's been brained by a boxcar, sorry.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Barry Finn
Date: 04 Mar 99 - 10:30 PM

This thread is as useful as a goat fart in a rain barrel, the entries are coming in as fast & as hard as cow piss on a lily pad & coming from some that are so horny that they'd eat the crack of dawn but then if they'd had a brain you could shove it up an ant's ass & it would rattle like a BB in a boxcar.
Boxcar Barry

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Banjer
Date: 04 Mar 99 - 08:10 PM

That expression of amazement came to me years ago from my dad, his went, "I been to two county fairs and an ass kickin' and I ain't never seen nothin' like that!" Another that comes to mind is comments about an individuals mental capacities, "He has a photographic memory, but never seems to have any film" or how about the one that just recently made the rounds "His lights are on but no one is home". I suppose in keeping with the Mudcat theme of music it could be said that someone is about two beats shy of a full measure.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Peter Fisher
Date: 03 Mar 99 - 11:20 PM

How about:

I'm so hungry I could eat the south end of a north bound bull.

Or a cruder version: ...the ass end of a dead buffalo.

Or one of my favorite expressions of amazement: I've been to two worlds fairs and a goat-roping, but I never seen anything like that before.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: dwditty
Date: 03 Mar 99 - 07:43 PM

To quote David Bromberg: "He's so cheap he makes his kids take off their glasses when they're not looking at anything."

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Banjer
Date: 03 Mar 99 - 06:02 PM

It's kinda like when someone sees you have an instrument in hand and asks you to play something....Can't hardly think of anything to play....that is until they are well out of earshot, then a whole lifes worth of repetoir comes to mind... Colder than a welldiggers ass in springtime....colder than a witches boob in a brass bra....hotter than the hinges of Hell....if'n brains was dynamite he couldn't blow his nose....Dumb, why he's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel!.... Knew a gal one time so big she had her own zip code.... She was dumb too, never fixed Kool-Aid cause she couldn't figure out how to pour four cups of water into that little paper enveloope!!

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Allan C.
Date: 03 Mar 99 - 04:22 PM

Cold as a stainless steel toilet seat on the north end of an iceberg.

Homely as a mud fence.

Had buck teeth so big he could eat watermelon through a picket fence.

Feet were so big he couldn't lie down to sleep.

So tight he squeaks when he walks.

So tight that he squeezes every penny 'til it screams for mercy.

He is so tight that if you put a piece o` coal in his ass, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.

I am sure there are many more of these one-line zingers and if I had the sense God gave a turnip, I could think of them!

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Mar 99 - 12:13 AM

When Karen's grandfather died, we went down to the funeral home and sat with the director making arrangements. Plots had previously been purchased at the little church in Weldon Springs, Missouri and the funeral director was familiar with it as he had done another there the year before. He said he wanted to check that they would have time to dig the grave since they still did it by hand. Being an extremely hot spell in the summer with temps over 100 daily, I didn't envy anyone that job. Then he dropped the bomb.

"I wonder if they are still using the one-legged guy?"

47 bad jokes immediately passed through my head. Everyone else had a polite chuckle, but I'm just flat bustin' a gut. Trying to regain some semblance of decorum and composure, my mind feverishly searched for a question to ask. The best I could say was,"Wow, that must be really tough, uh, hey, I wonder, does he dig with his real leg or the artificial one?" It was the best I could do and somehow I WAS curious as to which might be more effective in using leverage. Bomb #2 arrrives from this comedian/funeral director:

"Well, actually, I think he takes it off to dig."

39 additional jokes plus an entire cinemascope,panavision,technicolor movie sprawls across my internal screen. Now I can't even catch my breath and am down on one knee, which is all that keeps me from the floor. After 2 serious, whooping gasps for breath, enter the assistant to find the family staring at one member, kneeling and obviously distraught. Bending over he asked if there was something he could get me. Instead of composing myself and backing out, I had to blurt out, "Yeah. Could you get me a pogo stick with a shovel on the end?"

At the graveside I avoided any more outbursts and I gotta' tell you...That was the most plumb sided and perfectly rectangular hole I've ever seen. So I always think of this when somebody says one-legged anything......and I say thanks that there is one woman in the world who can stand me.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Frank in the Swamps
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 11:02 PM

Busy as a one legged man in an ass kickin' contest!

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Banjer
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 07:42 PM

I heard an interesting answer to a question the other day. The fellow was asked if he would like to accompany several of his friends to the local watering hole, to which he replied, "does a one legged duck swim in circles?" To the question, "How busy are you?" my favorite reply is "Busy as a one armed paperhanger with hives in a windstorm!"

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 04:53 PM

Once collected a bunch of pithy sayings from local high-school kids up here in the stark rusticity of northwestern Connecticut. My favorite was "Tighter than a duck's ass, and that's watertight!"

Sandy

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 01:12 PM

In the same vein, I always enjoyed the mountain speech of western Va., eastern Tn. and Ky. where a homosexual is called "queer." Pronounced the same way as a yankee would. But if a thing was a bit odd, it was "kwiore." Still spelled queer, but an entirely different meaning.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 11:39 AM

Although this may be as common as corn flakes, when I hear my Glasgow born (and Keighley raised) wife talking on the phone to her sister in Scotland, and using the phrase: "Nowt so queer as folk" it brings a smile.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Neil Lowe (inactive)
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 06:44 AM

.....and the opposite of that, Lonesome, (again from Still's "Wolfpen Notebooks"):"....land so rich it sprouts fenceposts."

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: The Shambles
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 05:09 AM

This is a true story and as they say truth is stranger than fiction..... I think the moral is; be careful how you choose your friends and be careful what you carry in your pockets.

A few years ago now, just after I started to get back to serious music making again, my wife and I and two friends went to our local large theatre to see The Blues Band. For those that do not know them, they are formed from various notable performers from the British blues boom of the 60s, including Dave Kelly, Hughie Flint and ex Manfred Mann stars Tom MacGuiness and Paul Jones.

Hughie Flint you may or may remember as being responsible, for in my opinion the worst ever recorded drum solo, on the track 'What'd I Say' on the John Mayall/Eric Clapton 'Beano' record, Blues Breakers. I have it now on CD and mercifully I can just skip it, in the good old days we were too worried about scratching the record, so we just grinned and bore it (but I loved him dearly). That battered old record became something of a religious relic then, but I digress.

At this time I used to carry around in my pocket one of my blues 'harps', mainly because it was small enough to do so and you never know when you may need it. Be Prepared, is the old Boy Scout motto, this was to prove my undoing.

We sat in the front row and really enjoyed the first part of the show. However the band did a bit where Paul Jones (a gob iron player of some note) would get members of the audience to sing with them. This was unknown to my wife and I but not to our 'friends'. The song was 'Wang Dang Doodle' and the idea was that the audience would sing the 'all night long' bit.

The first few members of the front row stood up and bravely sung their turn but when it came to our friends they declined and pointed to us saying we would do it My wife being very loyal, quickly pointed to me and said I would do it, as I was at the end of the row and had no one to point at I 'reluctantly' stood up to sing.

At that point our friends said to Paul Jones that I had a harmonica with me and that I would play it. He looked at me, in an interested sort of way and asked if that was so. The band was still vamping along at this point and as anyone who knows about these thing is aware, this type of harmonica being a fairly simple instrument, you need to have a different one for each different key you play in. So I thought the chances of me having the one with the right key for the song being played was pretty remote. So I confidently replied that I did but I was sorry that it was in the key of C (which meant that the band would have to be playing in G).

You can imagine my horror when I looked at Dave Kelly as he smiled and nodded to me to indicate that they were indeed playing the song in G and that I knew, I had nowhere to run!

I did play and except for an understandably nervous start, I enjoyed it greatly and the band and the audience seemed to as well. The band I think because in made it a change and I didn't mess up the act completely, the audience mainly because it was me suffering and not them. I sat down a complete nervous wreck and visibly shook like a tree in gale, but what a backing band I had that day. Plus the chance to play with my boyhood hero Hughie Flint.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: The Shambles
Date: 02 Mar 99 - 03:05 AM

When I lived in the Shetland Islands there was a lot of difference in the prices you paid for essential items, between the main town and the small islands shops. The story goes that one of the owners of one of these country shops, the one that was reputed to have the highest prices of the lot, made a very rare visit to the 'big city' (Lerwick). He was asked what percentage of mark-up he used when pricing his goods. He replied that he did not believe in or bother with all this percentage nonsense. He went on to say that, if he paid œ1 for it he sold it for œ2 and if he paid œ10 for it he sold it for œ20!

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 01 Mar 99 - 04:39 PM

Neil...one I overheard at the Kentucky State Fair, One old farmer talking to another"Talk about bad farmland, that ground's so bad you've got to sit on a bale of manure to raise an umbrella."

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Neil Lowe (inactive)
Date: 01 Mar 99 - 11:44 AM

Author James Still, in his book "The Wolfpen Notebooks," compiled some snatches of colorful conversations proffered by mountain folk residing in the Appalachian mountains of southeastern Kentucky, overheard in places like that bastion of cultural exchange, the General Store. These were so good that I took the time to write down and eventually commit to the hard drive about thirty-five of the anecdotes, sayings, etc. I will paraphrase three of them here, dutifully mindful of where they came from and hoping I'm not infringing on any copyright laws by posting them here:

1. Mother, complaining about her children not wanting to come in for supper: My kids, they can't see dark." (I have two eight-yr-olds like this myself - must be genetic)

2. ....."so drunk he couldn't hit the ground with his hat."

3. On a married couple who argue constantly: "They don't fight; they just live at the top of their voices."

4. General greeting: "What do you know that hain't so?"

Never was good at math.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 01 Mar 99 - 03:51 AM

My mother has this rhyme:

It was springtime in the Rockies,
And the snow was raining fast.
A barefoot man with clogs on
Came slowly whizzing past.
He turned a straight crooked corner
And saw a dead donkey die;
He pulled out his pistol to stab him
And the donkey spat in his eye!

We've never thought of writing stuff down, we just pass it on to our own kids - and anyone else who'll listen!

Steve

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Penny
Date: 28 Feb 99 - 03:37 PM

Margarita, Write your stories. Don't put it off. My mother (Margaret!) had a lot of stories, too, and always meant to write them down. She even asked about using a laptop, but she never got round to it. She was too busy making cakes and marmalade and other goodies, and doing the garden. (And that cooking was GOOD, British home cooking, learned in the country, the sort of British cooking which survived rationing and the Industrial Revolution, rabbit stew (about which, and the cat, I could tell a tale), steak and kidney pie, Queen of puddings, and other stuff which would beat groundhog holler.) Anyway, without being morbid, it's too easy to be busy and not record what you know until it's past doing.

Penny

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 27 Feb 99 - 10:08 PM

There was a new preacher and his young wife moved into a rural community in Southeastern Kentucky, and Farmer Owens says" Me'n the family'd be right proud to have y'all over for supper tomorrow night. Alza will cook us up a pork roast with kale greens and corn pone." The preacher and his wife go to the Owenses the following night and eat some of the most delicious fresh pork they ever tasted. After they finish up the ice tea and the conversation the young couple walk out into the barnyard they notice a 3-legged pig rootin in the grass by the porch. "Well I'll be danged! How long y'all had that 3-legged hog?" says the preacher. "Oh not long atall," says the farmer, "up until yesterday he was a 4-legger."

"You mean..."

"Yep...you can't eat a pig that tasty all at once."

Burgoo...Take everything you got in the cupboard and the icebox and mix together with everything anybody else's got who's comin for dinner. Cook all day. Serve with liberal amount of Bourbon on the side.

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 27 Feb 99 - 02:52 PM

For Frank ITS:

Captain Kendall Morse tells that same water-fetching story, but it's a city dude in a hunting party in Maine, and the beast in the spring is a bear.

Does your "Palatka Pete" have any particular regional folkloric significance? I lived in Palatka, Florida, for about four years when I was a kid. Went to elementary school there, in fact. Learned a lot of old songs from my second grade teacher, Pansy Pickren. My father was charting the St. Johns River for the Coast and Geodetic Survey at the time. Population was less than 7000 back then. First time I've seen a mention of Palatka in about sixty years!

And for Catspaw: My mother recited the "barefoot boy with shoes on," too. She hailed from Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, circa 1910. Must have been a pretty popular recitation.

Sandy

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: Margo
Date: 27 Feb 99 - 12:38 PM

You know Bert, I could tell the story of Judy the goat, but I hesitate as it may offend the sensibilities of those who feel emotionally about animals...what do you think? Margarita

Subject: RE: Folky Jokes and Stories
From: bill\sables
Date: 26 Feb 99 - 06:19 PM

There was a joke going around in the U.K. years ago about a folkie who died and went to heaven, When he got to the pearly gates St Peter said come in we have a folk club here and we're short of singers. The folkie was very pleased to hear this news and so asked St. Peter to take him along to the club and introduce him. When they arrived there were all the dead departed folkies singing a chorus song The folkie noticed a fellow in the corner with a long white nightshirt and a big white beard and he asked, Who is that? St Peter replied Oh that's God he thinks he's Ewan MacColl.