BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:52 PM

>>Getting there, 282 but still not quite made it:-)

That's the kind of excrement I have come to expect form you non-creative garbage. Sit there on your loathsome spotty backsides picking blackheads...

I wave my private parts at your aunty.<<

What a strange person.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 10:14 AM

It is sort of like humour - but without the funny bit...

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:53 AM

Haw!
Aslo, this being a Stooges thread, nothing contained in it could ever be taken seriously. I mean, other than the fact that we all talk like where we come from.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:35 AM

It fact all of my little digs have not intended to be taken seriously, except for the fact that writing like the example I quoted from 2 can be incomprehensible to me.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:30 AM

It would indeed Tweed :-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:28 AM

Yaz, and that would be humour, Jon. ;~)

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:47 AM

I believe Tweed was demonstrating his sense of humor, eric. It is the Amercan version our sense of humour. Unfortunately, it lost more than the letter "U" in translation.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:38 AM

What you can't read the Queens English either ? I give up.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 06:29 AM

What,what?
I can't understand a word yore saying.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:19 AM

Of course it's all our fault, we made such a cack handed job of teaching Americans to speak ENGLISH, you speak it like foreigners.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 03:48 AM

Getting there, 282 but still not quite made it:-)

That's the kind of excrement I have come to expect form you non-creative garbage. Sit there on your loathsome spotty backsides picking blackheads...

I wave my private parts at your aunty.

:D (tG)

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:58 AM

Not true, 282RA...Charlie Chaplin did the ultimate Hitler imitation in "The Great Dictator". But Moe was pretty good too.

Your documentation for the Stooges is impressive. But where does Shatner come in?

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:33 AM

You know something else?

No other actor has ever been able imitate Hitler anywhere near as good as Moe.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: bobad
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:38 PM

Benny Hill - He da man!

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:33 PM

See that? You don't understand

A remarkable observation.

You're not with the in-crowd.

Who are they?

Well, you're British,

Another remarkable observation.

what else needs be said.

I was hoping for a translation into English

Ah-lee-vah? Ah-lee-vah!!!

No, I'm afraid that is not English

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:21 PM

See that? You don't understand. You're not with the in-crowd. Well, you're British, what else needs be said.

Ah-lee-vah? Ah-lee-vah!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:16 PM

Yeah, that's right, muthafucka! Read it and weep--Green Acres. All your best comedy actors put together ain't worth a drunk hungover Hank Kimball much less an Arnold Ziffle.

And in English that means???

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:05 PM

>>Well, the fact that Monty Python was not realy a person is a good place I suppose. I wonder how a TV program can have a sense of humour? Oh yes, that reminds me, the people who went up to make the TV program were ignorant Limeys. Now, as to the language. You may have noticed it is called English. That is because it came from England.<<

Oh yeah?? Maybe so. Maybe so. But American humor still achieved something you nation of ale-swilling prissy-talking cross-dressers could never hope to achieve even if your empire hadn't crumbled into dust because we kicked your ass in the 18th century--GREEN ACRES! Yeah, that's right, muthafucka! Read it and weep--Green Acres. All your best comedy actors put together ain't worth a drunk hungover Hank Kimball much less an Arnold Ziffle.

Monty Python Schmonty Python!

Greeeeeeen Acres is the place for me!
Faaaaaarm-livin is the life for me!
Land spreadin out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan just gimme that countryside!

Come on, all you proud fellow Americans, join in with me!

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:57 PM

>>Dammit eric, it's common knowledge that Michael Caine is gay, I mean hellfire, the man was COOKING and talks with a British accent!!! He might as well have been wearing a black cocktail dress and heels!<<

What he said! What he said!

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 02:01 PM

Dammit eric, it's common knowledge that Michael Caine is gay, I mean hellfire, the man was COOKING and talks with a British accent!!! He might as well have been wearing a black cocktail dress and heels!

Is there a laugh track on the Simpsons? I don't think they use one...

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 09:36 AM

America eh, wanted the most famous brass band in the world [ Black Dyke Mills ] to change it's name because they thought it's own citizens would think it was a black lesbian band, America, wanted to cut the scene of Michael Caine cooking in the film ' The Ipcress File ' in case americans thoght he was gay, nuff said.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 08:27 AM

Well, I must say I felt guilty for reading the first few lines and dismissing the rest as crap. So I just read the lot. I no longer feel guilty but that was 5 minutes I will never get back...

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 04:16 AM

At least Monty Python had a sense of humor which is more than can be said for most of you ignorant limeys. Maybe if you spoke English like real men instead prissy little gay boys you wouldn't feel so inferior. No offense.

Now then, where do we start with that...

Well, the fact that Monty Python was not realy a person is a good place I suppose. I wonder how a TV program can have a sense of humour? Oh yes, that reminds me, the people who went up to make the TV program were ignorant Limeys. Now, as to the language. You may have noticed it is called English. That is because it came from England. They way we speak, spell and pronounce it is the original. Anything else is a pale imitation. I am glad you mention the inferiority complex as well. That was the phrase I was trying to remember. For people who insist that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Something to do with insecurity if I remember rightly. Finaly, none taken. It would take far more than you could ever do;-)

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 02:52 AM

The American idea of comedy seems to be the Three Stooges and The Simpsons, The Three Stooges were basically three imbeciles and if you like to laugh at mental retards that tells more about you than them. The Simpsons is a cartoon, so where does the live laughter come from ? watching the artists draw ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:24 PM

Of course, Tweed, Black Adder and Mr Bean are hugely popular over here.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:14 PM

I managed to watch bits of Black Adder and find it funny in spite of Rowan Atkinson who, yes, I can't stand. I find Mr Bean unbearable.

I loved Fawlty Towers.

I Peter Sellers could be funny.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:11 PM

I'm not sure if the British sense of humor is the best in the world or the worst. Fawlty Towers and Mr. Bean are a riot, though.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:07 PM

"Can't stand the stooges"
.....doesn't make sense. Next you'll tell me that you can't stand Mr. Bean ...or The Black Adder, or.. Faulty Towers, or...PETER SELLERS??? Jon, what the hell do you guys find humor in over there?

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 10:50 PM

I can't place that one but scones can be pronounced both ways in the UK. Scones is usually taken to be the posh way and scons (the way I pronounce it) the commoners way.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 10:38 PM

Another Goodies I liked was the "Showdown at the OK tea rooms" or something like that. Where they kept mispronouncing "scones" as "scons." That killed me.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 10:15 PM

you guys on the other side of the pond have not been exposed to the three stooges

Unfortunately we have. I can't stand them and fail to see how anyone could find them remotely funny. I can't see the relationship, Tweed but The Young Ones at least do have one thing in common - I can't stomach them either.

I liked the Goodies, 2. The martial art was Eky-thump. Wish I could see a re-run.

The Avengers (currently Dianna Rig/Emma Peel ones - by far the best) is being shown on BB4 on a Friday night. I'm watching them again.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:52 PM

You know what other British comedy troupe was hilarious? Goodies. I loved those guys! Especially that one episode where Bill Oodie reveals he is a practictioner of a secret British martial art that consists of smashing people over the head with a black pudding.

He would have flashbacks to his days as a novice monk just like Caine in Kung-Fu. His sensei was bald with white eyes and he wore a flat cap like Andy Capp wore except the brim was super wide so it looked like a Far Eastern conicical bamboo hat--only it was plaid. He taught young Ooodie to wield the blood sausage with deadly force. That was an absolute fucking riot!

I just watched a bunch of "The Avengers" episodes yesterday on BBCA. I loved the Avengers when I was a kid. I took it so seriously then too. Emma Peel was the first woman who could kick butt that I really liked at an age before I started to like girls. I didn't like Batgirl, for example, but Mrs. Peel was cool. Everytime you saw Mrs. Peel in a tight fitting suit, you knew she was going to kick some ass--man or woman--didn't matter.

Now I meet people in their early 30s who have no idea who the Avengers were. How could you not grow up watching the Avengers? Or the Three Stooges? I was one of the lucky ones, I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:22 PM

>>Perhaps it is because us Limeys can't read more than 5 sentences that our comedies are sold all over the world while yours are restricted to limited interest web sites, 282?<<

At least Monty Python had a sense of humor which is more than can be said for most of you ignorant limeys. Maybe if you spoke English like real men instead prissy little gay boys you wouldn't feel so inferior. No offense.

>>As a "dumb fucking limey", I got through about three paras and thought "What a load of crap" and moved on.<<

Darest thou to doubt the writings of the Emir of Shmoe?? Why, you applehead, I'll tear your tonsils out before you can say Ticonderoga--if you can say Ticonderoga.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Slag
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 07:46 PM

He that sitteth on high shall laugh, in derision.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tootler
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 06:33 PM

As a "dumb fucking limey", I got through about three paras and thought "What a load of crap" and moved on.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 06:07 PM

Dave, you guys on the other side of the pond have not been exposed to the three stooges. If you had, I'm pretty certain you would've read the thing and laughed out loud.

They were a sort of ancestor to your "Young Ones". Completely idiotic, site gags, explosions, and the dumbass human condition amplified. Many American men find them to be hilarious. Women mostly despise them and I have never understood why that is.

I'm sure if they had the technology, in the thirties and forties, for a gallon of snot to blow outta Larry's nose, they would have done it.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 05:25 PM

Why read all that crap when Monty Python did it first in Life of Brian?

Perhaps it is because us Limeys can't read more than 5 sentences that our comedies are sold all over the world while yours are restricted to limited interest web sites, 282?

Why can't you just accept that people are different to you? Your obvious intellect should enable you to grasp that simple fact. If so how about this one -

No one is better or worse than you.

I find it a little sad that you feel the need to win points over people you believe inferior but if it lightens your life that little bit feel free. After all you will never do anything of significance here.

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 05:13 PM

...and at the bottom of the page, where the True Truth is writ, it reads

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Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 03:48 PM

>>I'd copy and paste one for ya, but it would be a waste of space.<<

It's only cyberspace so it don't count.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: gnu
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 02:20 PM

2... "... taken Canada's place as America's bitch these days."

Offense taken.

Read a history book. I'd copy and paste one for ya, but it would be a waste of space. Probably a waste of time as well. If you haven't read one yet, you're not likely to do so now.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Tweed
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 02:07 PM

Excellent reading!! The DaVinci Stooges revealed. I salute you 2. Obviously you share my own extraordinarily high intellect and curiosity regarding the real truth.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:04 AM

Definitely increased. Once you realize who is behind it all, well, how can you continue to doubt? Just read this except from a little known writing found in the Nag Hammadi Library called "The First Treatise of Moses El Shaddai":

"Listen up, you lugs, I am the Lord your God. There's only one true religion, see? But you stoops went and made hundreds out of it and now the truth is lost. Why, I oughta crucify ya from end to end!

You lame-brain grovelers couldn't pray your way out of a wet paper bag! Now the earth is too crowded with youse nitwits and you're all tryin to squeeze through the door to heaven at once. There ain't room for all you imbeciles. I say "recede" but you dopes can't hear me cuz you're all runnin your mouths. That's when I have to send a savior down to tell all you dummies to spread out, see?

First there's your Jews. You ain't no special chosen, you lunkheads. Whatsamatta witchu? I tried to snap you out of it with plagues and famines and stupid commandments only an ignoramus would try to follow but it didn't do no good. You ain't nobody special, see? So quit makin war on everybody, you boid-brains! Where's your Emily Post?

And you fundamentalists dewheads with all your end-of-the-world stuff. Where'd all that come from? Listen, when I tell ya I'll annihilate ya, don't take it so literal. Now, quiet you lamebrains or I'll tear ya limb from limb!

And you materialists! Just because I don't flatten ya on the spot for all your numbskull antics don't mean there ain't no payback later, got it? You think you're gettin away with somethin? Remind me to kill you later.

I ain't doin nuthin for youse lugs! So stop prayin! You're wearin down my cell phone batteries. You gotta do it for yourselves, you termites! Now shaddap or I'll sock ya again!

I'll leave you numbskulls with the final words of the Buddha: "Decay is inherent in all component things, you ignoramuses, therefore work out your own salvation with diligence before I tear your tonsils out and wrap 'em around your neck for a bow-tie!" [End of text]

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: *daylia*
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 10:09 AM

PS - did writing that story increase or decrease your hostility toward other people's religious traditions and beliefs, 2?

Or was it unchanged?

Just curious ....

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 10:05 AM

LOL! Maybe we should start a no-offense-meant-there thread. Now THAT could be funny!

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: *daylia*
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 09:55 AM

No offense meant there.

Right.

Uh-huh.

Hey, while we're at it how about "Notice how it's always stupid ugly stinkin' folk singers who can't read anything over 5 sentences. And they wonder why they've taken Mozart's place as Satan's dildo these days.

No offense meant there."

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 08:43 AM

Notice how it's always dumb fucking Limeys who can't read anything over 5 sentences. And they wonder why they've taken Canada's place as America's bitch these days. No offense meant there.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: gnu
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 03:31 AM

Hahahahaha. For some strange reason, that struck me funny, Eric. I wonder if I would have debited it after reading parts of the first three para's had I been awake... 04:27 as I type... haven't even had my first sip of tea.

Hmmm... pretty sure I would have.

No offense meant there, 2.

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 02:34 AM

If you had any brains 282RA you would know that nobody can be arsed to read such long posts, it's just a waste of space.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: mack/misophist
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 11:01 PM

Where's the big secret here? I learned all this in Sunday School.

Subject: BS: The Holy Stoogaic Wisdom
From: 282RA
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 08:58 PM

[I was going through some old files and came across this. I wrote this about 6 years ago or more. I don't know if I ever posted it here but now is as good a time as any, I suppose.]

Religion has, over the centuries, fallen victim to a most vile conspiracy. The removal of the three most important aspects of Gnostic learning. Listen carefully, for you shall receive the innermost secrets of the Mysteries this day.

Religion has three heroes or foils, depending upon how one looks at it. Oh, yes, some may scoff at the notion that Moe, Larry and Curly (or Shemp) are at the innermost Mysteries of the Gnosis, but read on and thou shalt scoff no longer—you imbeciles!

Not only is Moe the archetype of the Hebrew God El Shaddai as I revealed in my last post, but the very concept of the Trinity was derived from them. Everything that goes on in the Bible is so doggone stooge-like that it frightens the uninitiated.

Take the story of Jesus. The day he is born, who shows up to proclaim him King of the Jews? The Three Wise Men who, in the original Mystery languages, are more popularly known as the Three Wise Guys. The original story goes thusly:

***And they did come, Melchior leading Gaspar by his hair and Balthazar by his nostril, bearing gifts which they deposited before the child dropping them heavily upon Melchior's foot.

Melchior did bellow sorely and dance about in pain whereupon the other two did join him in merrymaking. Melchior smote them upon their bellies and they bent over and Melchior smote them upon their foreheads.

All present did pay homage to the King except Balthazar who did set his eyes upon a fair damsel in the crowd and approacheth her saying, "Hiya toots, ya come here often? Ya know, my mother wasn't a virgin til she had me. She swore off sex! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

Melchior did notice Balthazar's indiscretion and admonished him saying, "Hey puddinhead, pay homage to the King of the Jews."

Balthazar did wave his arm dismissively in Melchior's direction and turneth unto Gaspar saying, "I won't do it! He don't pay my salary. It's a guy with a beard…nyah-ahh-ahhh" whereupon Balthazar did findeth Melchior standing before him and Melchior was wroth.

"I said pay homage," saith Melchior.

Balthazar did shrug saying, "Homage should I pay? Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!"

Whereupon Melchior smote Balthazar upon his belly and Balthazar bent over and Melchior smote him upon his forehead.

"Hey, hey," saith Gaspar unto Melchior, "leave him alone!"
Whereupon Melchior didst boweth to Gaspar saying, "Oh, yes, your majesty!" And then Melchior did smite Gaspar's nose and a loud honking sound did filleth all the stable roundabout.***

The Gospel stories are greatly jumbled and often the roles switch about without rhyme or reason. Hence, during Christ's sermon on the mount, we now find Moe as Jesus while Larry and Curly are Peter and John respectively:

***And Jesus spake unto the assembled saying, "And when someone conks ya on the kisser like so…" and he turned and smote Peter upon his cheek, "turn your coconut and let him conk ya again" whereupon Jesus turned and smote John upon his cheek.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" exclaimeth John. "What do I get out of it?"

Jesus glareth at him and saith unto him, "You get to dot his eyes!"

"Ohhh!" John cackleth saying, "In that case I'll take it!"

"You got it," saith Jesus and he poketh John in his eyes with his fingers and John howleth in pain mightily.***

Yet in the Garden of Gethsemane, Peter is now Moe, James is Larry and John is Curly. Jesus is now the Vernon Dent figure (Vernon Dent appeared in many Stooge shorts as the straight man always on the wrong end of Stooge machinations). Jesus prays earnestly in the garden but returns to his companions finding Peter, James and John (in typical stoogely fashion) snoring away.

At the crucifixion, we find once again Moe as Jesus but now Larry and Curly are the two malefactors. The text goes as follows:

***And they were crucified in the sixth hour. As the nails were pounded through [Curly's] hands he did loudly exclaim, "Owowowowowowowowowowowowowow! Woo woo woo woo!"

And Jesus reassureth him saying, "Quiet, you gobbling turkey!"

And [Larry] didst laugh and saith, "Heh heh heh, he called him a gobbling turkey—heh heh heh!"

Whereupon Jesus smote [Larry] upon his face saying, "Shaddap, you bag of giblets!" and tore out a patch of [Larry's] hair and handeth it unto him saying, "Whatsa matta witchu?"

And they were nailed in place before the crowd. "Look!" exclaimed the crowd to Jesus, "if you're so holy come down from the cross!"

Whereupon Jesus did saith unto them, "I'll moider ya!"

In the ninth hour, Jesus crieth out in his travails, "Lord oh lord, why hast thou forsaken me?"

And [Curly] didst reply, "Maybe His network's down! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!" and [Larry] didst laugh mightily.

Jesus was wroth and exclaimeth, "If I wasn't nailed to this cross, you boid-brains, I'd hitcha over the head with it!"***

Going to the Old Testament, we find the story of the Flood, a typical Stooge venture. In the Gnosis, Moe (El Shaddai or Moses) hooks up the electrical system of the planet to give light. Unbeknownst to him, Curly and Larry have run the plumbing through the electrical conduits. When Moses flips the switch, water spews out everywhere, covering the planet. Moses yells, "Why you nitwits! I'll annihilate ya!" The people of earth overhear God and think He is talking to them.

From the microcosmical point of view, the Stooges are the sons of Noah (who is, again, the Vernon Dent figure). Japhet is Moe, Ham is Larry and Shem is a simple corruption of Shemp (Shemp reappears later on as Samuel). The three sons spend too much time sleeping and Noah is forced to tend his fields by himself. The exhausted Noah comes in from the fields and tells Ham to fetch him yonder water jug.

Unbeknownst to Noah, his sons had filled it the night before with very potent homemade wine that bubbles and emits a thick mist that Shem had made with two-month-old grapefruit juice and battery acid from a '39 Ford and then mixed them together in an old boot.

"Wait, pa!" Ham exclaims. "You don't wanna drink that stuff!"

But Noah interrupts him saying, "Nonsense! Thou hast heard me. Fetch me yon jug that I might taketh a swig!"

"Yeah, but pa…" says Ham.

"Silence and giveth unto me the jug of water," Noah says to Ham, "that I may quencheth my mighty thirst!"

Ham protests saying, "Yeah but pa, ya gotta listen to me…"
But Noah licks his lips with great anticipation and heedlessly slugs down the contents of the jug with a loud "glug glug glug" sound. The Gnosis reads:

***Noah turneth unto Ham with wide eyes and a smoke did pour forth from his mouth. A loud whistling sound cameth from the insides of Noah followed by a loud splash from his belly and Noah did moan and pass out.

Ham attempteth to grab Noah and prevent him from falling but managed only to grippeth Noah's robe. The robe toreth off in Ham's hands and Noah did slump to the ground in his red flannel underwear.

Ham did panicketh and ran off to tell Japhet and Shem without. Upon hearing Ham's story, Japhet saith unto him, "Nice goin, you turnip-head! He's gonna make us finish tendin' the fields now!" and he did smite Ham mightily upon the cheek. "Come on, you termites," saith Japhet to his brethren, "we'd better go cover him up!"

Shem didst laugh loudly and saith unto them, "Pops didn't Noah when to quit drinkin! Haw! Haw! Haw!" Ham did also join his brother in merriment.

Japhet saith unto his brethren, "Why, yes, yes, so he did, so he did…" whereupon he smote them both across the cheek at once, knocketh their heads together and bade them to immediately fulfill as he had commanded lest he taketh away their foremost throat parts.***

In the 3rd Degree of Freemasonry, the candidate undergoing initiation is ritually "killed" and then reborn by acting out a Mystery play called "The Killing of Hiram Abiff".

Hiram is the Master Builder of Solomon's Temple. He has many craftsmen working under him. One day, three craftsmen decide to extort from Hiram the Master's Word. Again, Hiram is the Vernon Dent figure and the three errant craftsmen are called (in typical stoogely fashion) The Three Ruffians.

As Hiram is leaving the unfinished Temple at the close of the workday, he is accosted by the Three Ruffians known as Jubela (Shemp), Jubelo (Larry) and Jubelum (Moe). In typical stoogely fashion, they demand the Master's Word and threaten him with all manner of violence should he refuse. "Why you three vagrants sure have your nerve!" says Hiram and slaps them all across the face with one swipe of his arm.

Jubela steps forward and says, "Oh, a tough guy, eh?" and proceeds to engage in excessive footwork as he dances about Hiram. "How does this grab ya?" Jubela asks Hiram as he dances about and weaves. "I'll shoot one past ya just like that," says Jubela as he jabs the air with his fist, "and I'll throw one at ya like that. Oh, too fast for ya, eh?" he says to Hiram who punches Jubela in the mouth and sends him sprawling.

Jubelum kicks Hiram in the backside and Hiram proceeds to throttle him. Jubelo picks up a piece of pipe and loudly clangs Hiram on the head. Hiram falls to the ground a corpse. "Nyah!" says Jubelum after examining Hiram, "He's dead, fellas! We'd better scram!"

Jubelo says, "Hey, wait a minute, let's get rid of the evidence first. That'll give us a head start."

"Good thinkin, kid," says Jubelum, "Now you're usin a bit o' your brain!" Then he looks at Jubela and says, "Why didn't you think o' that?" and lands one.

The Three Ruffians bury Hiram's body with much the same result as the episode where they attempt to bury a mannequin they mistook for a dead body. They flee the graveyard in terror, leaving behind their shoes, which they have literally jumped out of in fright.

In another version, it is Curly who is Jubela. After Solomon brings them back to the Temple to be executed for the murder, Jubela drops to his knees before Solomon and says, "Woo woo woo woo! Execution? Nyah-ah-ahh! Oh no! Anything but that kingy ol' kid 'ol kid 'ol kid! I'm too young to die and too good-lookin—well, I'm too young! This ain't fair. It's sabatoogee, I tell ya! Have a heart, kingy ol' kid! Your mother and my mother are both mothers!"

However, our more family-value oriented fundamentalist friends generally prefer the Shemp version: "Please, your highness, don't execute me. I got six wives and two kids. I got a little golden-haired baby sister and she's only this high and I have little baby brother whose only this high..."

Also in the prose Edda of Norse mythology, we find Thor as Moe, Heimdall as Larry and Loki as Curly. Typical of Curly, Loki loses Thor's hammer—a phallic symbol related to the loss of Osiris's penis during battle with Set. The Twilight of the Gods has already set upon them and Ragnarok—the final battle of heaven and earth—is about to commence. There is not a more vivid and frightening eschatological sequence in all mythology. In the Gnosis, the story runs thusly:

***"Heimdall," saith Thor, "bloweth thine horn so that I may announce the approach of the Frost Giants. Hearest thou me?" And Thor smote the daydreaming Heimdall on the top of his head. "Blow, Porcupine!"

And Heimdall did blow a long dismal and discordant note. Thor saith unto Heimdall, "Hey, Harry James!"

And Heimdall did blush and reply, "Oh, I'm not that good!" wherepon Thor saith to him, "You're tellin me!" and snatcheth the horn from Heimdall's grasp and smote him upon the head with it.

"Just play me a short syllable, maestro, so that I can announce the Frost Giants! Go on!" And Heimdall did blow a short note.

Thor cleared his throat and prepared to address all the gods gathered in the Great Hall at Valhalla when Loki stepped up and saith unto the assembled, "And they're off! Lady's Man in the lead with Ticker-Tape followin close behind. Sweet Potater pulls ahead by a length. And it's Lady's Man, now it's Ticker-Tape, it's Lady's Man, no it's Ticker-Tape. Sweet Potater pulls up on the outside stretch…"

And Thor saith unto Loki, "Quiet, you overgrown lawn-jockey!" and he smote Loki upon the head with his hammer and a loud clanking sound was heard all throughout Asgard.

Loki moaneth in pain saying, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…look!" And they beheld Thor's hammer and saw that it was flat and deformed on the side which smiteth the hard skull of Loki. Loki didst laugh saying, "Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!"

Thor was wroth and saith unto Loki, "Why you iron-head! Now Odin's liable to make me pay for another hammer!" And he smote Loki upon the cheek saying, "You imbecile! What am I supposed to fight the Midgard Serpent with now?"

Loki didst shruggeth and say, "Well, he's just a big snake, ain't he?"

"Yeah, what about it?" saith Thor.

"Well just find a big mongoose and your problem's solved! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!" Heimdall didst join Loki in his merriment and Thor smote them both on the cheek at once and then he smote them upon their bellies and they did bend over and Thor smote them upon their foreheads.***

To make a long story short, in the true Gnosis of Ragnarok, heaven and earth come to an end in all-out no-holds-barred pie-fight.

But history has mangled Stooge presence in all religion and mythology far worse than Moe ever mangled Curly, Shemp and Larry put together. One gets the feeling that the Vernon Dent-like historians have gotten the last laugh. When Jesus is resurrected, look how the Bible has completely distorted what he told his stooges—er—apostles. "Go ye far and wide and spread the gospel unto all nations…" BUNK!! In the Gnosis, they all crowd around Jesus after his resurrection and so he simply elbows them in their bellies and tells them, "Spread out!" What a sad state of affairs to see these wonderful Gnostic messages being so inexcusably corrupted and distorted.

God is always attempting to improve us in much the same way that the Vernon Dent figure attempted to convert the Stooges (representing the Masonic rough ashlar) into gentlemen despite Larry's protestations that there hadn't been a gentleman in his family for fifty generations (see Genesis for an exhaustive genealogy). Perhaps upon being turned into gentlemen, the human race will finally heed Jesus/El Shaddai/Moe's message: "You lunkheads mind your P's and Q's!" A prerequisite for loving thy neighbor. Perhaps it is high time indeed for the human race to start remembering its Emily Post.

Yes, time and again we are confronted in the Gnosis with the image of three saps always with some scheme or gimmick up their sleeves. Always trying to get out of their fair share of work. They are us. They represent the lethargy, buffoonery and violence of unenlightened humanity and so everything they do fails miserably. In that slapstick comedy we call day-to-day living, these three Neanderthals raise their mugs and grimace so frightfully as to scare one another half to death. Whether humankind is destined to remain a pack of intelligent imbeciles remains to be seen. Perhaps a silk purse will eventually be made from a sow's ear after all. One thing is certain, however, when the end of heaven and earth arrives in Asgard, the halls of Valhalla will reverberate not to the sound of Heimdall's sour horn, but to the call of "Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!"