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BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: lady penelope Date: 30 Dec 06 - 03:50 PM AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! kindly leave the cliff...... "And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed." Bathed? but it's not spring yet????? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 30 Dec 06 - 10:06 AM "And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed." So it's going to be a Loki affair then.... Thorry. I promised I Woden do that... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 30 Dec 06 - 08:26 AM Rising, the angel raises its right hand and he is softly and gently removed from the tree. With its left it brings the horse, now fully saddled and clean, from the jello. And the little angel was now a very attractive young lady, at least so he thought, but by the way the women present were acting the actual sex was in doubt. He hadn't seen women act like this since that Beatles concert back in...oh, hell, too long ago. Or maybe Elvis, before he got fat and strung out.... And the angel said, "I bring you tidings of great joy, for today is born a barman/maid, whichever your preference, for angels are really cool and can do cool things. Moreover, you can now use Bert's credit card for food and other stuff, because angels have taps to the Inexhaustable Liquor Supplies of Asgard. And that reminds me -- those folks from Valhalla are dropping by to help celebrate the New Year. They'll be here any minute. Most of them have even bathed. "What'll it be?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 29 Dec 06 - 04:28 PM "Yes, Ma'am," he says, reverting to his Western Culture. "Them there pickled Rocky Mountain ersters kin fool a feller inta thinkin' they're pickled onions right easy like." And below, an small angel gives a huge sigh of relief as it sits in a cool tub of water.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 29 Dec 06 - 04:24 PM Oi.... Lady P... watch where you're putting them cocktails ticks.... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: lady penelope Date: 29 Dec 06 - 03:30 PM Hey, I've found some Twiglets, Hurrah for bar snacks..... at least I think they're Twiglets...... Having had enough egg nog to mark the turn of the year it's back to something a little lighter..... ah....Gibson Martinis.....mmmm......pass me them cocktail onions...... eh?....well they look like cocktail onions...... ach, whatever, if I can get a cocktail stick in 'em, they'll do..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 29 Dec 06 - 10:09 AM While you are at it Squid, please take that angel down gently. Not a bar stool I think. Maybe he/she can recline on the bar. A little nog with a dash of brandy will make things better. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 29 Dec 06 - 08:54 AM As he looks upwards to the Angel, he notices tears rolling down the innocent face. The angel opens its eyes, notices him, and says, "Well, it's because Santa had a bad day and told me exactly where to stick this tree, that's why!" and closes its eyes and continues to weep in pain. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 28 Dec 06 - 11:00 PM Look out below! That guy in the tree next to the angel has been barfing his guts out all day. . . Tossing him up into the rafters wasn't such a great idea, squid--he'll hit more area the next time he lets loose. Would you untangle him and maybe shove he and his horse out the back door? (I fixed it, but it's amazing what the page looks like if you forget to use that close quote in the html!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 28 Dec 06 - 10:56 AM Oh, yeah. Kinky. Wouldn't have thought it of the horse, squids you can never tell about. Now, how to get off this damned tree? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 27 Dec 06 - 07:45 PM Quietly he straightens his rapier and wipes the...stuff...off his brace of pistols. He walks over to the jello pit, reaches in and grabs a bridle and pulls. With a huge sucking sound the animal comes loose, and he springs into the saddle, from which he is removed by a large squid tentacle and deposited none-to-gently on the top of the Christmas tree right next to the Angel. Hmmm, he thinks. A bit of transvestism in the jello pit, me thinks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 27 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM Techincally speaking, Santa only appears for one night a year... should we rename this the Grotty Christmas Tavern as Christmas has another 10 days to go! And no... I'm not still stuck in the can... huge indulgence in sprouts provided the much needed burst of compressed air to pop me out. Could Bert's card stretch to a new wall do you think? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 27 Dec 06 - 05:21 PM Hey! Let's party like it's going to be 2007. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Dec 06 - 10:49 AM This has really been a rather sedate crowd. No one died or even got badly singed. Must be the warm weather. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 27 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM What? The party isn't going to last until 2007? WIMPS!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 27 Dec 06 - 07:28 AM GtD, did you leave the |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 26 Dec 06 - 05:32 PM As usual, like a caretaker (That's janitor to you USAtians) I open the room and after the mess, close it again. Bye all! Quack! GtD. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 26 Dec 06 - 05:18 PM As they should be Rap... as they should be! I'd stand back now if I were you... the beans I had for lunch have worked through. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 26 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM Everyone is simply awe-struck by it, LtS. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 26 Dec 06 - 10:57 AM So once again, and without expelling air this time, my arse silences a thread! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 25 Dec 06 - 05:16 PM (the fat broad is stuck in the can again) You saying I've got a fat arse? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 25 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM "Well," the jolly old elf says as he staggers into the bar. "The sun is coming up on Eniwetok Atoll, and I've had a hell of a long night. I must have eaten thousands of cookies and drunk a lot of cold cocoa. Anybody left around here? No? Well, the sun must be over the yardarm somewhere!" Getting a wave from the squid but no other answer, Santa steps behind the bar and fixes himself an Irish coffee, and then, while walking tiredly to the door, says "time to get Rudolph and the rest of these guys cleaned up and start on my long winter's nap." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 25 Dec 06 - 11:36 AM He puts away the trumpet after the last, quiet, rendition of "Stille Nacht". The tree reaches to the roofbeams and is bedecked with lights, candies, ornaments and, here and there, thongs. The floor is sparkling clean, the glasses washed, and the horse and the squid are snoring gently wrapped in each other's appendages. A faint waft of Fresh Lemon Scent wafts from the toilets, indicating their cleanliness. He seems one last very pissed-off elf exit by the cat door, muttering under his or her breath "Merry Christmas mine arse! You'd think they's clean up after themse...." And he thinks, Yes, A Merry, Joy-filled, Peaceful Christmas/Hannukah/Solstice/Kwanzaa/Etcetera One and All. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 24 Dec 06 - 07:20 PM "All right then," says Santa. "It's just gone midnight in the UK, and it's early Christmas Day in some parts of Europe. Time for me to get off of my dead ass and go to work." So, pulling on his long red coat and (somewhat the worst for wear) black boots, he clomps out through the tavern door. A rather discordant jingling is heard from outside, like out-of-tune bells on nine sets of reindeer harness. Sled runners are heard - briefly - gliding across the snow-packed parking lot. A deep voice saying "Ho, ho, ho buuurp" fades off into the distance. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST Date: 24 Dec 06 - 04:00 PM 'Scuse again; I should face up to the responsibility for that last one. Frogprince, in Minnesota for Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST Date: 24 Dec 06 - 03:57 PM Heck, with a little tweaking you can make that into a Christmas song: "Oh. li'l to - own of Beth - le he -e- em..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 24 Dec 06 - 01:58 PM The man on the floor stirs and says to Santa, "I brung you the horse. Like you asked. I said, 'What can I bring you for Christmas and you said 'Horse' and I didn't catch the rest of it. Santy, it's up to you get get him out of the jello." And reaching into the saddle bag he pulls out a lovely trumptet and blows a few riffs, nods, and launches into a truly wonderful rendition of "St. James Infirmary." Not Christmasy, he thinks, but certainly trad. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 24 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM Santa, having finished his 5th gallon of strong, black coffee (and his 10th trip to the fetid bathroom (the fat broad is stuck in the can again) is about ready for his annual trek to the four corners of the world. "Now, where are those damn elves with the sack of presents? A reindeer and a yak? Must mean the rest of the reindeer are outside someplace...and get that blasted taffeta cloak off and put on the white harness with the jingle bells! OK...is the sleigh still out in the barn? And has anybody cleaned a year's worth of chicken shit out of it? Do I have to do everything myself?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 24 Dec 06 - 11:06 AM And that was 100! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 24 Dec 06 - 10:58 AM Life ain't no yuk for a yak Who carries a hunk on his back An aging Doc Snapper A bully wife slapper A fifth rate non musical hack. HO HO HO Where is that squid when we need him? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 24 Dec 06 - 10:47 AM Oh please don't let him sing. Please! I beg you! By the way, didn't he just finish a Twelve Step Program? What is he doing in a bar? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 24 Dec 06 - 05:14 AM 'David Hasselhof? Christmas Carols in German? Is this what happens when all the Banjoes & Bodhrans are burned? Surely there will be more music in this Grotty Tavern before Christmas!!!! Perhaps if we cleaned the place up a bit?', thought the stray Tabby, who sniffed the air to check progress in the kitchen and then settled down for another nice wash & brush up... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 24 Dec 06 - 03:18 AM But on the yak's back is David Hasselhoff, singing christmas carols in German. He's dressed in red and gold (the gray taffeta on the yak is so they don't clash). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 23 Dec 06 - 05:26 PM Life ain't no yuk for a yak With grey taffeta on his back. No self respectin' Tibetan Is about to come get him Here he sits with the reindeer and cat. (cack?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 23 Dec 06 - 05:15 PM But haven't you seen what they're wearing?? I mean..... Grey taffeta out of season.... I ask you!!! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 23 Dec 06 - 04:25 PM This really is a boring party. Reindeer? Yaks? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 23 Dec 06 - 02:04 PM . . . and a reindeer and a yak who wandered in looking for Santa. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 23 Dec 06 - 01:19 PM ...the horse, who continues to "blow" green bubbles. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 23 Dec 06 - 12:43 PM Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the North door opens. Then it slams back against the wall as a blizzard of wind and snow washes through the tavern and cleanses the air and the inhabitants. Loud, heavy thuds resound through the room. Glasses tremble; bottles rattle; the squid freezes; the cat hisses; all eyes turn towards... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 22 Dec 06 - 12:31 PM He stirs. He stirs! And like Godzilla, awakened after eons of sleep, he stumbles to his feet and trips over his scabbard. Once again, face down on the floor, he mutters, "Aw, shit. Again." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MAG Date: 21 Dec 06 - 07:02 PM Over this way, Lady P. -- fresh batch of homemade nog and all. Can you harmonize? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 21 Dec 06 - 05:34 PM I don't know why you're complaining about the methane explosions in here... what else did you think the Aurora Buttialis was? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: lady penelope Date: 21 Dec 06 - 04:49 PM I dunno. Come in for a quiet drink, get a load of slime across me face..... There's no egg nog left...how am I gonna make a 'snowball' now? Humph..... ere... I wonder if I can get radio 4 on this chritmas tree......? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 21 Dec 06 - 01:25 PM A scabby sword???? GRoss. Make sure you sterilize that glass he is using before you give it to anyone else. Or dip it in some of the cheap rotgut under the bar. Anything that will survive that has earned the right to live. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 21 Dec 06 - 12:40 PM as long as he doesn't pull his sword out of the scabbard. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Dec 06 - 12:38 PM I think it is safe to say so. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 21 Dec 06 - 10:00 AM Is that man at the bar playing with himself? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:32 AM Meanwhile, cradled in his own arms and smiling quietly in his dreams of looting, lechery, and liquor, the highwayman naps on at the base of the bar. He grins a particularily large grin and his rapier, previously bent into a half-circle, twitches and then suddenly springs straight and true. He murmurs, "Ah, my little booboocitas! Yes, right there!", cradles himself a little tighter, and dreams on. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:10 AM ...and the cat lands right on Santa's head, as he lies in a puddle of mixed Bushmills and drool! "Aroint," he says blearily. "I suppose it's time to get on with it. Barman, give me a very large {now, is that grande or vente? Who really gives a shit?} coffee with an extra shot of espresso and a Jolt cola!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 21 Dec 06 - 08:00 AM MMmmmmeeooowwww!!! , cried the poor stray Tabby who had been scooped from the floor by the Tree coming in through the door and is now hanging by one claw & trying not to break a bauble. As cats do, she surveyed the scene and decided on a course of action and leapt from the branch..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 21 Dec 06 - 04:33 AM Squid borrows a pair of tweezers to remove the pine needles from his tentacle and gives them back to Douglas fir recycling. Appalled at his own bad pun he settles back to read a few posts at which point he realises that he thought the "p" was silent in snow!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 21 Dec 06 - 02:07 AM I have to agree with MAG--way too much methane in here. Pushing open the large skylight to let the vapor rise and dissipate, Sage then has several elves and one larger tentacle from the squid help maneuver through the door and into it's old place in the same ol' tree stand a crisp, tall, and very fresh and sweet smelling Douglas fir (pseudotsuga menziesii--the "t" is as silent as the "p" in swimming). A sling from the ceiling beams helps stablilize the tree. The apparatus was redesigned two years ago to prevent the tree from again being shot through the roof as if from a sling shot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MAG Date: 20 Dec 06 - 08:54 PM mmmm, and nary a shred of music anywhere. We gotta fix THAT. Throught this smellproof curtain over here, holiday rounds are beginning. And the nog is homemade, not the nasty stuff in a cardboard quart carton. also champagne. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 08:45 PM A multitude, a plethora, of large, lime-green bubbles begins to fill the room and as they come in contact with the candles in the candlabra, they explode. Violently. And with a very, very fetid odor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 07:17 PM Jungle bells, Santa smells Pracer's pooped his hooves. On his way into the loo He felt his bowels move. Cabbage and onions Broccoli and beans All let loose at once. Should have stuck to cookies and milk But that is just a hunch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:57 PM Dashing to the Loo, There's not one on the sleigh, Through the bar he goes, Farting all the way. Santa holds his ring, Holds on to it tight, Will he get there just in time? Or will lose the fight? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:53 PM somebody shat upon the Festivus pole. Oh dear! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Mingulay Date: 20 Dec 06 - 04:36 PM Something stirs in the NORAD command post and it's not the coffee. "Hey Chuck I don't know how but somehow we're picking up some sort of equine shaped veehickle with a nasty looking con trail". Chuck looks intently at the screen "Sho' nuff we is boy, wonder what it is, could be one o' they Russki...................." PAAAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP. SPLAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 06 - 02:25 PM oh Jay-ZUS! guys! I told you! That is not a Christmas tree - it's the multi-directional multi-frequency antenna for the local NORAD station. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 20 Dec 06 - 02:22 PM And here come the Reg Boys and Cletus with a huge recycled Christmas Tree complete with baubles, bangles and bright shiny lights. SINS sits awestruck by the starry, shiny, sparkling display. The cat wisely slinks to the floor and heads for the door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 01:14 PM And then the elf, laughing manically, serves the horse the entree. Cabbage with onions. Broccoli. Brussels sprouts. Kale. Cauliflower. And all topped with curry sauce! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:49 AM notice that the horse is not eating cruciferous vegetables (members of the cabbage/mustard families) but cruciform vegetables; particularly in this case daikon and carrots and other root veggies formed into crosses. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:46 AM Meanwhile, the horse is quietly chewing up a couple hundred pounds (about a hundred kilos) of cruciform vegetables. He is grinning wickedly at the elf.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:35 AM Squid peruses the menu crayoned above the bar and finds it hard to read the strange spidery writing, especially as it's in red on a creosote background. The only thing he recognises is the Ceolacanth, he met him once somewhere off Madagascar, and didn't fancy him then let alone in a pate. No, he fancied something less ichthyologically based and minus any sort of sauras. "WAITRESS, DOUBLE EGG, CHIPS AND QUADRUPLE BAKED BEANS PLEASE" he shouted, "I'll fix that farting horse and his elfy friend". "MWUAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAH" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 20 Dec 06 - 11:04 AM Sage comes in a side door with a platter of smoked salmon. Ew! I think I stepped in something. . . sorry, Santa. That must have hurt. Gingerly she steps over Santa's leg. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Leadfingers Date: 20 Dec 06 - 10:52 AM Bit dodgy trying to pull ANYTHING in a bar like this !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 20 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM My God, no! The barman's pulled a mussel! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:19 AM Duck glances around the Tavern. I'm sure I saw the Reg boys come in while back! Wonder where they disappeared? Probably one of those random wormholes! I expect they'll be back shortly. Best get a pint of Rudolph's Revenge before they do. "Hey Barkeep! Can you pull me a good pint and a small plate of the mussels" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:01 PM I think Stiffy the Snowman is beyond protecting the family jewels.... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:58 PM "Jewels," he muttered to myself. "Gotta protect the family's jewels." And after another drink of rum he slid, face forward, down the front of the bar and laid on his belly on the floor, snoring quietly. Meanwhile, back at the jello pit, someone was lighting the bubbles as they emerged. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:01 PM No worries, sweet kitty. Your treasures are safely tucked away in a re-sealable Glad Bag. I know from experience how precious these rare items are. For anyone interested in seeing the crucified snowman, Jacqui has posted a picture, not the best, but given the lost dog emergency, not bad, on the sacrilige thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:23 PM 'Mmmm, lovely brush but what happened to all my lovely tail jewellery I'd been collecting? Some of it was quite rare, I hope it's been put aside safely! Mmmm, nice lap, nice cuddly Catter!' The stray Tabby purred her contentment and tried to keep her claws to herself for the time being. 'That squid's a bit of a worry all covered in jello, he'd better not get a slimy tentacle over here by the bar, you'd never get that out with a flea comb in a million years!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 PM I hate to admit this Liz but yes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:10 PM But did you get the pictures??? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:00 PM Jack Daniels! Straight up! Make it a double and leave the bottle! Jacqui and I are in deep doo doo. She came over to take pictures of that damn light display and while our backs were turned, Seamus snuck out. Try to find a lost dog in the dark in rush hour traffic. Up and down the street we shouted. Jacqui toured the neighborhood. She took one last walk down the street while I went up. Fortunately, a neighbor had seen him and taken our wandering boy in. He hoped no one would claim Seamus because he had altready fallen in love with him. "What a nice dog." he kept saying. Kendall looked as if he could kill the two of us and then shoot the dog. Fortunately, he arrived just as we pulled into the driveway. So - JD straight up until I fall down. Auntie Mary is in big trouble and may not be allowed to see her puppy alone ever again. SNIFF!!&^%*$#@) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 05:25 PM Wow... 32 inches.... Ah, if only...... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:08 PM Amos? Do you want me to take away Bert's credit card. I get cranky when I'm trying to fit a 16 foot diameter baking dish into a 32 inch wide oven. L-space isn't the safest thing to handle in a kitchen, you know - and my library card lapsed.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:00 PM Somebody give that man adrink. He needs one. Meantime, I will go with the Fennel Semolina. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Amos Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:52 PM Just on principle, MM, regarding " a pate comprised of chestnut and Coelacanth" that should read either "composed of chestnut..." or "comprising chestnut...". To comprise is to include or be composed of. From the French and Latin, "to take along with". But no matter how you word it, it sounds scrumptious in a Cretacious sorta way. Does it include post-meteoric iridium seasoning? A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:12 PM Try a taste of this fennel semolina bread. It's subtle - but I think it will go better with the Elasmosaur then the plain. I've got both though. And some whole grain spelt Kaiser rolls as well that are excellent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:08 PM Hey MMario! Any semolina bread in the back. I would love an Elasmosaur sandwich on semolina with just a touch of salt and horseradish. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:00 PM " Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool " So Santa does poop after all. Somebody let the folks in the other thread know that Santa has baggy stools. Nevermind - I'll tell them myself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 12:00 PM The menu's up over the bar - it's written in multi-coloured crayon - maybe that's why you didn't notice it. Being offered tonight (only) is the crown roast of Nile Crocodile Tail with a lotus and wild rice stuffing; garnished with glazed pearl onions, baby golden beets and roast parsnips. crown roast of Elasmosaur neck; stuffed in this case with a pate comprised of chestnut and Coelacanth. Accompianied by Salsify patties and Oyster mushroom ragu. (Note - serves 160 hearty eaters or 240 lesser appetites) Pan seared Belantsea "mussels" - bite sized morsels of prehistoric shark - pan seared in a ramp and butter sauce; served over millet polenta; your choice of salad and vegetable of the day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:57 AM As Santa finishes slurping the Bushmills from off the bar, he notices the elf sitting over in the corner. "You, elf! Where are all of your buddies? They've run off with all of the toys for the children of the world...and there are a few adult toys in that sack as well." The elf stands up, flips him off, and jumps into the jello vat with the horse and squid. Santa slumps back down onto his bag stool and, ordering a pint of Old Frothingslosh, groans to himself, "and the sleigh, the bloody big red sleigh...where has it gone off to? I have less than a week to get my shit together. Why did I take this job, anyway?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM Just my luck, a farting equine quadraped. At least everyone looks a bit squiddy now, reminds me of home < |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:11 AM That squid is just pretending to be sick so no one turns him into calamari (or is it scungili?) Squid in Green Aspic with Reindeer Giblets - YUM Kitty, when was the last time you were brushed? Mats and grit and hairballs. You're a mess. Let's see if I can find a brush and flea comb and make you all pretty for Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 11:09 AM Quietly, the horse begins to sing. "I'm forever blowing bubble Pretty bubbles in the lime...." Not so quietly, huge bubbles rise to the surface of the jello and burst, scattering bits of green everywhere. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:50 AM Heeyyyyyy, wait a cotton pickin' minnit there, I only just got outa the bay. Bloody freezin' in there it was too. Much better in the jello pit even if it is contaminated with Dobbin exhaust. Still, it'll be good for the rhubarb and roses. Looks around for a serving wench to bring more ale and the menu for lunch. Hopes it's not Ocean Stix again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 19 Dec 06 - 10:16 AM Over here, Kitty. SINS of the ample bosoms needs a cuddle. Nice warm lap for the kitty. (And sharp claws to keep the squid at bay) SIGH! I hate Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:30 AM 'Mmm, well poured that Cat! Time for a wash & brush up before napping till the Roast's ready', thought the satisfied Tabby as she surveyed the grotty room for a likely lap.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:48 AM There's a crown roast of Nile Crocodile in the oven - but the honey-glazed gingered pearl onions for the garnish aren't quite done yet. I will serve no roast before it's time!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:43 AM "What? Ain't there nothin' ta eat around this joint? Where's the joint's joint, anyway? No free lunch? No pickled eggs or pickles pig's tails? Not even a wee bit of barbecued brachisaurus to quiet the rumblings of a hungry (and unsuccessful) highwayman's stomach? "Oh well. Pour Bowmore, por favor, mein bierfraulein." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 19 Dec 06 - 08:33 AM That's a Bailey's for the Tabby, some disgusting stuff for the gentleman(?) at the bar; Patented Hangover cure for the Pickled ppoch and Bert's card avaialble all round! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 19 Dec 06 - 07:07 AM A bit of tender Hilary, now that sounds tasty! Not keen on that Pickles, looks like he's been a touch sozzled, he'd better keep his pickled paws off my Baileys if it ever gets here. Now, where's a nice Catter who can get the top off the bottle & pour a seasonal saucer for me?'thought the Not-so-Gruntled Stray Tabby. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:14 AM Heard about the dyslexic pagan? Sold his soul to Santa. Now he's sitting over in the corner, wearing the stripy tights, pointy ears and jingly hat that is the uniform of all Satans' little helpers. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Black Beauty Date: 19 Dec 06 - 06:09 AM Christmas gets earlier every year. I brought a friends two kids to see Santa in Belfast in the first week of December !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:38 AM Pickles looks around and climbs out of the jar. He blinks once or twice, looks around him to take in the scene. His small wiry haired ears prick up at the sound of horse and squid cavorting in jello. He looks back at the large jar and quietly woofs. "It must have been one bitch of a party!!!" "I've not been that ratted since I woke up in the World Cup all them years back." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:22 AM Squid watches with apprehension as the horse clambers into the jello pit and the level rises dramatically. With a final lurch the horse is in and jello slops all over the floor. "That could cause a nasty accident" says Squid in a concerned, Health & Safety voice when, at that moment, the door burts open and in rush Cletus and the 'boys' looking for their box and its contents............... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:55 AM Never heard of sea horses? Just watch out for the giant chocolate chips.. they're chips, but not chocolate! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 PM Uh oh. I don't believe it. The horse is stepping into the lime green jello pit with the squid. I can't watch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST Date: 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM "No one ever builds snow ladies with all the bits...." I don't know what years Amos built his, but I know some of my fellow Seaman Apprentices built a very complete one at Great Lakes Naval Training Center in 1964. I was too much of a stick to join in that back then. I'm much better now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 18 Dec 06 - 08:57 PM Meanwhile, the horse is conversing with the Giant Squid.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Lox Date: 18 Dec 06 - 07:30 PM You've been double bluffed ... ... the horse is the ringleader in a deeper conspiracy ... ... You've been played SRS ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:50 PM And Santa lifts his face from the puddle of spilled Bushmills and mutters..."Serving wenches? Serving wenches? Could someone serve me a bit of tender Hilary, please? And does anyone know where those blasted elves went off to with my bag of toys?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: My guru always said Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:27 PM 'Yuk, Pickles?' thought the Disgruntled Cat, 'things have gone downhill since last Christmas, it sure is Grotty in here - where's all the Baileys & Cream? The nice bits of Salmon? Serving Wenches!!!!!!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:13 PM That cash box is history, folks. Cletus and the boys can dig it out of the holly hedge next to the porch if they want, but it broke when the horse stepped and sat on it and it was empty anyway. Unless any coins stuck to the horse on his way past. You might want to check. . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:03 PM How about 5'2" round, ash blond, with a subtle whiff of Ralgex? LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Lox Date: 18 Dec 06 - 05:43 PM They had a Grotto in town last year and tey've replaced it with a stage this year. It was great. While the kid sat chatting on santa's knee, the little helpers sat chatting on mine >;'). Don't suppose there's any little helpers in here are there? about 5'8", blonde with a subtle wisp of Davidoff ...? ... Oh well ... a pint of whatever that unpleasant looking drink hanging up there is please barman ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 06 - 05:36 PM Not to mention Paw's blow torch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 03:03 PM Stiffy - be glad it's just the *horse*; If Cletus and the boyz show up to empty the cashbox who knows what's going onto the floor... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 18 Dec 06 - 03:02 PM "Gad," he says to no one in particular after a swig of rum. "I think I've bent my trusty sword." Sure enough, the scabbard, with the sword in it, nows bends gently around the back of his legs, the hilt still in front. "Danged good thing I don't keep the pistols loaded, either," he thinks to himself. "Someone might have gotten hurt. Those flintlocks can pinch like all heck if you get your finger caught in 'em." And he takes another sip. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Stiffy the Snowman Date: 18 Dec 06 - 02:55 PM Hey, can someone stop that horse doing that just there? I'm losing feet here! And keep that flaming eggnogg to yourself Stiffy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 18 Dec 06 - 02:09 PM After kicking a smashed box and its tattered sign into the hedge down beside the porch, Sage steps through the broken door. "Moonglow must be around here somewhere now that college is out," she said. "I can smell her favorite snack of sardines. Or is that smell from something that fell out of the saddlebags of that horse parked over by the jello pit?" She dusts the snow and door splinters off of a disgruntled cat and sets the creature on the end of the bar near the jar of pickles. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:51 PM The first has sails as white as snow.... I wish I could find somewhere the old poem my mother had hanging behind our TV for years and years and years....or she could find where she put it when they moved upstairs. It was a variation on "I saw three ships" - but there were quite a number of verses - the first ship had white sails and bore the virgin - the second ship has sails "as red as blood" and bore Christ - and the Third ship has sails "as black as death" and bore angels and martyrs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:36 PM A trio of ghostly galleons sail through the window on a stream of moonlight. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Rapparee Date: 18 Dec 06 - 01:27 PM Outside, the sound of horse's hooves (or hoofs) hammering on the hard highway, the road a ribbon of moonlight over the snow-filled moor. "WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" comes a scream and, because of the horse's sudden stop on the sheet ice, through the door is thrown a gent in knee-breeches, riding boots, woolen cape, and all that eighteenth-century highwayman get-up. He is immediately followed by a skidding horse with three white stocking, a white blaze on his head, and sporting a Western saddle with silver conchos. As the door splinters under the impact of horse and rider, there is a long, drawn-out cry of "AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDSHIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT, Silver!" The rider picks himself up from the floor, ties his horse to a convenient ceiling post, puts his tricorn hat back upon his head, adjusts his sword, brace of pistols and silken mask, and staggers to the bar. "Good publican, a rug of bot huttered mum...er, just gimme a big mug of run, please." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:19 PM Think I'll check out the bar. Best to know what is on the go this year! Ah - roast monkey nuts in the orange bowls. Very annoyed looking monkeys keeping out of reach in the rafters. Mixed nuts and raisins in the square blue dishes. Satsumas and mandarin oranges in the raffia baskets. Oh! And what are those at the far end? Yellow and brown stripes! Surely not an infestation of giant bees? Ah, I see now! It's the Bar Humbugs in the corner. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:13 PM direct injection? me please! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MAG Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:05 PM Hi all; here's a bottle of Hennessey's-- too good to throw in the wassail; who's up for shots? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Sick Squid Date: 18 Dec 06 - 12:02 PM Of course I'm in the jello you fools. With this heat I'd end up with dried skin in no time and someone's used all the vaseline. Bloody sailors! Barman, could you get a double scotch in that pint of "Gutwrench"? In that case, DO IT!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:53 AM In that case, everyone should be obligated to imbibe three CHristmas spirits. I'll have smoking Bishop, some Mulled Cider and a flaming eggnog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Leadfingers Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:41 AM I've just realised , its NOT Santa's Grotto - Its The Bar HumBug ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Amos Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:37 AM I used to make full-featured snow-women, in my younger years, which drew complaints from the Victorian elderly ladies who drove by at 15 mph. I felt I was striking a blow for freedom, or testosterone, whichever came first... A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: GUEST,Stiffy The Snowman Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:34 AM Huh, what are you supposed to do if you ARE that snowman?! I used to have a girlfriend. She was cute, big where she should be big and huge where she should be huge. Nice little bonnet and a red scarf, cute button nose, cherry lips and the lovliest coal black eyes you ever saw. We hung out together in the yard, getting colder and colder for each other. We were frozen solid in the end. Fantastic time we had there, but she's not into commitment. I was scared she'd just break it off. So now what do I do?? Stiffy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: MMario Date: 18 Dec 06 - 11:23 AM Liz - The winter my Mom was pregnant w/ my youngest brother we had a pregnant snowwoman in the yard - who got bigger and bigger - until my brother was borne, at which point the snowwoman took on more normal proportions, but had a baby on the breast. then since we were bored , we made the snowdaddy and all eight snow-siblings. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Liz the Squeak Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:59 AM What's unfortunate about a snowman with an erection??? No one ever builds snow ladies with all the bits.... Still, it's somewhere to hang the top hat whilst he's waiting at the bar. Anyone got any eggnog?? Good.. a huge pitcher full.. great. That'll do for cleaning the toilets out. They've never been the same since I got trapped in there and it's the only decent thing to do with eggnog. Who the hell drinks that crap anyway? Ah... Bum hugs. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: SINSULL Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:31 AM uhhhhhhhh How the helll did I end up here? All did I did was short circuit my neighbors Christmas light display (which unfortunately resembled a crucified snowman with an erection...) and then BLAM I'm here! What is here?????? Oh NO! IT's HELL! And they're burning banjos! Oh PLEASE! Not the banjos! Aw CRAP! Reindeer shit! I hate Christmas! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: artbrooks Date: 18 Dec 06 - 10:14 AM ...and a bewhiskered, bleary-eyed face lifts off of the bar, peers over toward him and a rough voice says, "shut the damned door - were you born in a barn? Hey...what day is it? Is it Christmas Eve yet? It seems to me that I need to do something on Christmas Eve, but damned if I can remember what...and have you seen a bunch of reindeer?" |
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Subject: BS: Santa's Grotty Tavern 2006 From: Geoff the Duck Date: 18 Dec 06 - 09:59 AM Where DID I put that winter coat? The one with the fur collar! Let's try the old wardrobe... Red coat.. Cord trousers.. Bi bodywarmer - might do... Oh there seems to be something behind... I'll just reach through... Can't feel the back of the wardrobe though... I'll just have to step inside... Hey! This doesn't feel like a wooden floor, it's like pine needles! And it's getting colder... What's that light ahead? Hold on, there shouldn't be anything AHEAD, I'm in a wardrobe! Duck realises that he is now surrounded by trees, snow is falling all around andup ahead, about 20 yards away is a kerosene lamp. The lamp is hanging from the eaves of a very strange shaped log cabin. Outside the door is a sign which might have the name of the occupier, but plastered over the sign is a large piece of dayglow pink paper upon which somebody has painted the words SATNAS' GROT'O. Placed under the dayglow sign is a crudely fashioned box chained to the hitching post. The box has a slot in the top, and on the underside is scratched "Propety of Cletus". A scrap of paper with "20 cents" inscribed in a hand resembling a drunken spider is cellotaped to the very dodgy looking collecting box. Duck decides to investigate further befor parting with hard cash. He slips up to the door. He wasn't ready for the snow and ice so was caught on the hop, and it is difficult not to slide when hopping on sheet ice. He opens the door a crack, and a blast of hot air almost knocks him off balance again. Nevertheless, he is now determined to find the secret of the log cabin. He pulls the door wide open and sees the elongated bar, the roaring fire surrounded by the empty cases of the banjos and accordiand which are just crackling nicely in the flames. He steps inside an looks off to his right. Is that a squid lounging in a pit full of green jello? It looks suspiciously as if it might be. Strange things, these wardrobes, thinks the Duck. It only seems like days since I was last here......... |
