BS: How heavy are farts ?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 01:37 AM

See your doctor about that one.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Carry On Crap Puns
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:54 AM

found one..

bump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Carry On Crap Puns
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:53 AM

bum......


..sorry..


need to go for a "P"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,101
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:50 AM

trump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:44 AM

rump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,99
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:37 AM

dump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,98
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 12:36 AM

pump

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 05:49 PM

Thread nearly dropped (if you pardon the word) off the end

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 07:24 AM

Farthings..nothing to do with farts....Oh come on Liz....I am sure many of us farted on farthings in our back pockets when we were younger....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 05:13 AM

The British coin 'farthing' was a quarter of a penny (half a halfpenny) and comes from the Anglo-Saxon 'feorthling'. Everything you ever wanted to know about farthings from 1272 -> is here.

Nothing to do with farts. Sorry.

So if farts are expelled at body heat, thus making them lighter than the external air, why do dog farts roll along the ground in a miasma of curry and Winalot?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 02:53 AM

Yes Benjamin Franklin! A man of great fartitude.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rowan
Date: 16 Jul 07 - 01:03 AM

McArthur's Fart (the Oz version by Bleby and Bath) is on Mudcat at
MCARTHUR'S FART

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Severn
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 08:05 PM

Georgiansilver, of course you've learned a lot. You've been schooled by some of the finest tooters in the institution!

Benjaman Franklin, himself, said "Fart Proudly!", by the way.


And why were British coind named fart-hings?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 06:21 PM

So much information about farts on this thread......scientific and fun......just going to have a look at some "members info" now....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: gnu
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 04:02 PM

I've never really cared. All I care about is, "Better out than in." Ahhhhhh....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:55 PM

I confess that I've not read the entire thread, so someone may just have made this observation already.

Thinking about whether the gas expelled is lighter or heavier than air is only relevant if those respective gasses are at the same temperature and pressure. Or at least the question is in no way decided by the lightness/heaviness of the respective gasses at a standard temperature and pressure.

The within-bowel gas is going to be warmer than the ambient atmosphere of the animal host, and being elastically contained by the gut, this in itself makes for increased pressure. Then the pressure of peristalsis (the propulsive squeezing of the gut) will also raise the pressure, resulting overall in more mass per cubic centimeter of compressed retained gas.

It seems obvious that a fart--especially a good, round, explosive fart, resulting from high pressure--will create a momentary weight loss.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:28 PM

McArthur's Fart
(a "McArthur Park" parody by Stuart McArthur)

Spring in nineteen-ninety: Yesterday...
I shared with Stu my tent
(though he'd swallowed beans from cans)

Between his parted bumcheeks blew this gale
it roared just like a lion
through his stri-ped jarmy pants

McArthur's fart came wafting through the dark
all those reeking arse-fumes floating round...
somehow must escape into the rain!
I...just...knew I couldn't make it
I was lying there half-naked
if the next tent saw me naked, oh the shame!
Oh No!

I then saw my yellow cotton dress
folded, tucked away
on the ground beside his cheeks

held my breath and shook it, but alas!
it was sodden from the vapours
God, it reeked

McArthur's fart had wilted my best frock
all its sweet green buttons turning brown
maybe I should shake it in the rain
but...the...rain would not go near it
every raindrop somehow cleared it
I can never have that dress on me...again!
Oh No!

(orchestral - key change)


There will be another man for me
and I will find...
him
one whose sphincter muscle's so discreet
it's safe behind...
him
I can handle burps and lager-bombs...and never
let guys catch me wincing at the fumes
including all of Stu's - til last night
never winced at Stu's - til last night
Thought he'd be the one!

I must tell poor Stu...of this event
then adieu
Stu
"Something horrid happened in our tent.
It came from you
Stu
Your explosion fouled the atmosphere...
and its denseness flowed like treacle through my lungs
and though you were the love of my life
I know that I can never be your wife
I'm still reeking of you
and so it's good-
...bye"

(melancholy orchestral interlude,
followed by inexplicably hep jazz bridge,
followed by huge orchestral crescendo...)

McArthur's fart has blanketed my heart
like a reeking lice-filled eiderdown
Even if I break up with its source
I...don't...think that I can cop it
I've no energy to stop it
(furthermore I need my tent poles reinforced)
oh no!!

Oh no-o!

no!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:22 PM

Reaching back many years for this tale-hope I get it right.

The Queen of England was riding in her horse drawn coach with Iddy Amin (sp?).This was before all of his bad press. They were conversing about the state of affairs when suddenly the loudest, foulest fart was heard & smelled. The Queen, ashamed that her horse committed the deed, said: "Excuse Me." Amin replied: Oh, I thought it was the horse."   


Mickey191-F.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Severn
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:13 PM

MacArthur's Fart is melting in the dark,
All the sweet green icing flowing down....





.....The old "Cake IN THe Rain Trick" again, and we fell for it AGAIN!

Almost as bad as when McArthur comes over for the umpteenth time and asks you to pull his finger....

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: JennyO
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 01:02 PM

"McArthur's Fart" is a humorous poem in the style of Australian bush poetry. I've heard Yuri the Storyteller do it.

Unfortunately I can't find the words anywhere. The last line of each verse goes:

"On the day McArthur farted, and saved the town from drought!"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 12:49 PM

Just struck me as funny that this thread is next to the St Swithins day thread....SO...if I fart today????

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Anne Lister
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 12:36 PM

McArthur's Fart?
There are two famous stories told of historic farts, both remarkably similar ..one is in the 1001 Nights, and the other is about a nobleman at the time of Elizabeth I. In both cases, a fairly important person is unfortunate enough to let one rip in the presence of someone still more important (a Sultan in the 1001 Nights, or Liz I) and out of mortification feels they have to flee the country. This poor chap (always male) stays away for years and years, and finally feels able to return to court, where the first thing they hear is either a mother telling a child "that was the year when ?Abdul farted" or the queen saying "Yes, Sir X, we have completely forgot the fart."
Are there any cultures where farting is acceptable, I wonder?

Anne

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:31 AM

Le Petomane was not a fake..He was a real performer.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 03:29 AM

I suppose now is the time to reveal the greatest advice ever given to anyone and it was given right here on Mudcat by our own Kendall Morse.


Never trust a fart.



Now, there is still a debate raging as to whether he meant an expulsion of gaseous material from the anus or an 'old fart' who wears trousers up to his nipples and says 'in my day' a lot whilst waving a cane, but I think the advice stands perfectly well for both counts.

So if farts are blue in colour (although personal experience has shown that some of them are brown), I suppose belches are burple.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Rowan
Date: 15 Jul 07 - 02:21 AM

I remember Fin de Siecle posters advertising Le Petomaine being on sale in the 60s and never thought they were celebrating a fake but rather a special fakir.

On some other aspects of the thread;
1 most ruminants' contribution of methane to the greenhouse gas load comes from eructation (burping) during cud chewing rather than from the anus,
2 inulin and other pentose starches have a different digestion pathway (metabolically speaking) from the more usual hexose starches and are notorious for leading to farts. They are particularly common in beans,
3 many biology students are amazed to learn they have tastebuds in their anus. Aside from the usual canard about what their elders think of teenagers' tastes the story is that the lining of both ends of the alientary canal is ectodermal in origin and thus rich in nerve endings. In the mouth we call them tastebuds but in the anus, even though they perform the same function (fireily recording the passage of last night's curry as well as detecting the differences between solid, liquid and gas phases and thus allowing farts but nothing else to pass). good taste prevents us from calling them tastebuds.

It's a wonder no-one has mentioned McArthur's Fart here.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 11:28 PM

Sometimes in midwinter we go out and collect those little blue iceballs you will find in farmer's fields after extremely cold nights. You throw them in the fireplace and as they start to melt, they explode.

They are frozen cattle farts... fartsicles, if you will.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 05:53 PM

Grades are as follows.
1)Silent killer = speaks for itself.
2) A fluff = barely audible wind noise.
3)A pip = what it sounds like!
4) A Trump = beats a pip every time.
5) A fart = the average type..with noise.
6) A Blower = bit louder and slightly longer than a fart
7) A ripper = sounds like tearing material.
8) A Blaster = another that speaks for itself.
9) A duckfart = comes our slowly and noisily as you walk...sounds like a quacking duck. (Best coming down stairs)
10) Killer = Also speaks for itself.
None of them have much actual weight but some obviously 'carry more weight' than others.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Peace
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 03:06 PM

Farts are measured in a number of ways (or weighs if you get my drift).

Liquid measure--if that's what you're using to measure, you didn't really fart.

Cubic measure--you da man.

Dry measure--non sequitar.

Linear measure--you da man, and FAST, too.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Riginslinger
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 01:25 PM

"How heavy are farts ?"


          If Dick Cheney lets 'em, they don't ever rise to the level of the Senate.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: gnu
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:15 PM

Raedwulf.... not wise to do that. You may feel heavier after you rise tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Anne Lister
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:04 PM

My husband has been researching this for you all and found this site
and this site as well

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Raedwulf
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 01:28 PM

Dear me. Hasn't anyone spotted the obvious? It doesn't matter what % of methane, etc. Once the mass of the fart, whatever its composition, has been expelled from the body, you are lighter. Basic science, people...

(P.S. I just skipped half the thread because you were all so obviously talking utter nonsense as is normal for the 'Cat. ;-) So apologies if someone diid latterly say this...)

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 11:40 AM

What would happen to frozen methane if one attempted to light it?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 10:06 AM

WOW,---ANY FART ICICLES IN THERE ? SUCH FORENSICS, IF AVAILABLE ,WOULD SUGGEST THAT THEY ARE LONG OVERDUE A VISIT FROM THE HYGEINE INSPECTORS .IN THE INTRESTS OF PUBIC HEALTH AND THE ADVANCEMENT MICROBIOLOGY I THINK THAT STORE SHOULD SEEK OFFICIAL RECOGNITION UNDER LABORATORY AND NOXIOUS FUMES LEGLISLATION.PERHAPS THESE PEOPLE MIGHT BE ABLE TO PROVIDE A SOLUTION www.panfan.com

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 09:10 AM

Eeeuuuww. A frozen fart!

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 08:54 AM

A friend was a frozen food mgr. in a large supermkt. He used to say if one farted in the huge walk-in freezer the redolence would last for hours. Sometimes, after the store had been shut for 12 hours-the odor from last night's emission would be there to greet one in the AM.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 05:41 AM

Do you mean it is blue from the ass- hole out ?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 05:36 AM

MICCA, that was a splendid BURST of inspiration. I am suffering from wriers air -lock at the moment--- feel welcome to continue.Meanwhile here is an epitaph I saw on a tombestone in Wexford, Ireland

"WHEREVER YOU ARE,LET YOUR WIND GO FREE,
FOR THE HOLDING OF ONE WAS THE KILLING OF ME"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: goatfell
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 04:47 AM

what colour is a fart?

blue
because you blew it out your arse

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 02:57 AM

This thread has been a roaring success but I fear the wind of change.
At least it was not fartlessly deleted.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Mingulay
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 06:59 PM

As the grafitti on the toilet wall has it

Here I sit broken hearted,
Paid a penny and only farted.

Credited to Trad Anon, eldest son of Mr and Mrs Anon of Shittom on Pease, Windchester.

Surprisingly tame Google ads at the bottom methinks. Or should that be mestinks?

Pete (Windologist of note [and timbre]).

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 02:08 PM

To fart it is a pleasure,
It gives the bowels ease.
It delicately scents the sheets,
And suffocates the fleas.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Micca
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 01:45 PM

" but followed through on Bflat to her anguish and shame!"

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,OLD TIMER- GROUCHO
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 12:09 PM

4>PENELOPE McDOUGALL THOUGHT NOTHING OF THIS,
SHE HAD SOME WEAK TEA AND WAS ALL WIND AND HISS,
WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND HER LEGS STRECHED OUT WIDE,
SHE UNLUCKILY BLURPED AND WAS DISQUALIFIED
5.>
THE VICARS YOUNG WIFE WAS NEXT- UP FOR THE CAUSE,
AND SHE PROMPTLY PROCEEDED TO PULL DOWN HER DRAWERS,
SHE TURNED TO THE CROWD WHO HAD STARTED TO SING,
AND SHE FARTED THE FIRST VERSE OF GOD SAVE THE KING
6>
THE DOWGER von FOGHORNE HAD A LOVELY BACKSIDE,
WITH A BUNCH OF RED HAIR AND A WART ON EACH SIDE,
SHE FANCIED HER CHANCES OF WINNING AT EASE ,
HAVING TRAINED ON A DIET OF GUINNESS AND PEAS
7>
THE FINAL CONTESTANT WAS MARMYDUKE MORGAN,
SHE HAD PRACTISED FOR MONTHS WITH THE VICARS CHURCH ORGAN
FOR CROTCHETS AND QUAVERS SHE HAD GAINED GREAT ACCLAIM,
--------?-----?------?
any takers ?will some one sing the chorus or something ----tooraloo-- tooralay or whaever-----any bards left in G.B.?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:57 PM

"I've never heard of a female equivalent. I kind of doubt if there was one."

Well, there have been sorta female 'similarities' but they tend to concentrate on a slightly different area (if you'll pardon the expression!) - or at least their mostly male audoience does...

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:46 PM

Tuba, bagpipe, and kazoo.

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:42 PM

But what kind of accompaniment would be needed for those songs?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 07:34 PM

"Farts are shit without the mess."
                ~ George Carlin

"But not always, alas."
                ~ Me

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:53 PM

i would think prince phillip would be about 15 stone?

Subject: RE: BS: How heavy are farts ?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jul 07 - 05:28 PM

Silent Knight, Holey Dame,
Farting and burping is their game.
Up or down it matters not,
Whichever, they give it all they've got.