BS: Whine Fest

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:29 PM

Okay....IT's time for a funny story!!!

Kids doing visitations return to you with issues and attitudes and learning how to recognize and work through this is much discussed and generally a part of most foster training classes (FP's are required some number of hours of training every year, depending on where you are). One of the funniest moments I recall happened in a class dealing with just this subject. The Trainer was a good friend and she is really excellent at getting everyone involved.

After hearing from most of us on some of the problems we had had in the past, she flopped over a new sheet of posterpaper and asked, "Okay.....When your kids come back from visits, what do they have?"   There was a silence as no one seemed to want to answer first. After a pause of about 15 seconds or so, a woman in the back spoke up......."Lice?"

The entire room fell apart laughing.

***************

Like Sins, I don't presume to know why people have children they don't want. As an adoptive parent, I am blessed with two of them so there can be an upside. Read Allison's post again and prepare just in case. Custody battles are difficult on everyone, including the children. In your situation it's too easy to get hopes up, but you just keep whining here huh? We do understand.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Don Firth
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 03:48 PM

They also serve who only stand and wait.
                                                    —Milton

One thing that you have given to Veronica that is invaluable. If things ever get tough for her, she knows she has someplace she can go.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Peace
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 02:17 PM

"Who saves a life, it is as if he saved a whole world."

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 12:16 PM

Michelle,

Since we know one another IRL, I will ask you to recall some of our conversations about my kids and step-kids, when Vee was still a summer visitor in your life.

What you are experiencing now, it's not too different from the experience of custodial parents re: required visitation, or step-parents.

What we have learned is that the main thing to work on during the child's absence is one's own issues about boundaries, and issues about however one was parented, so that when the child returns, one can get back to focusing on what is best for the child, whether it feels good to oneself or not. The grief and worry, one offers up in whatever way one finds useful, for one's own continuing development.

Otherwise one begins to function according to what one feels one needs for oneself, even though one starts out knowing that parenting is never about that. (If only intention could be as reliable as an Expedia map.) But there is a slippery slope, especially in parenting a child who is legally and morally not your own, where intention becomes blurred with intolerable discomfort, and the absences provide a powerful reminder of how to work on that side of things. In the time of absence you will experience fresh views of it all that you could not otherwise see at all, including deep truths about your relationship with the child; it helps to welcome the reflection, if not the cause of it.

The BEST thing about these visitation times is that the more they happen, the less the child will need to make up for lost time, and all the hunger for bonding, with the absent parent later. We sowed that when the kids were preteens and reaped it as they got older and more rebellious (I mean "independent"!).

Knowing the absent parent, as they really are, makes for a much stronger child, later. One of ours has chosen, for practial as well as developmental reasons, to live in her mother's home this last year or so. She has learned everything she wished she had known and could not know without the extended, day in/day out time together. She's had what she calls "enough," and is smart enough to know the difference between the healthier model she had from us, and the co-dependent "friendship" her mother seems to "need."

Kids tend to run FROM need, and run TO love, when both options are available.


Another hard phase lies before you, and if you think it is hard now, it is much harder than this one. And that is, no matter how unhealthy the absent parents or the relationships with them, kids tend to need to explore that side of themselves (be it, act it out, try it on), as they leave the nest and make their own. You can do everything for them, and then see them go off in exatly the "wrong" direction you thought you had saved them from(!), seeming to be "just like" the so-and-so whose mess you've been tending to for years!

This will bother you less if you work on the boundary thing now. Cuz really it is just a phase, and they move through it quickly when we don't freak out, and then they get back to being the wonderful person YOU raised.

I feel for ya, but ya gotta learn all this on your own, and I know you know that.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST,Desdemona
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 12:05 PM

I just want to say how much I admire you for what you're doing for this child; your open-heartedness & unselfish kindness is certainly making a difference in her life. As for "whining", it's completely understandable that you feel wretched at being parted from her at the holidays, but rest assured that those "ho-hum" times of the year count for a lot more in the big picture than a few special days.

Bless you,

D.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 11:48 AM

Lily,
Veronica is so lucky to have you. It must be so hard for her to have a mother who doesn't want her around. And so reassuring to have you caring for her, giving her stability and love. I admire your courage. And feel free to whine and to worry.
I will never understand why people have children they either can't or won't care for.
Mary, former foster mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 09:15 AM

Michelle, you have my great respect and yes, you go ahead and whine! Your capacity for love shines through your posts. Veronica is a lucky little girl.
I have a colleague who actually went through the process of trying to get custody of a child in a similar situation to yours, and the child's family was willing up to a point- until it came to signing on the dotted line. They just couldn't do it. They couldn't parent, either, but they wanted to think they could. Sad conclusion all around.
You just keep loving Veronica from a distance, and call her whenever you can, write to her, maybe even visit if you can manage it. Maybe your modeling of another way to "parent" will drop some hints to Veronica's mom- she may never have had a decent role model herself. And even if it doesn't sink into mom's head, it can't help but be good for the little girl.

Blessings on all of you-
Allison

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: artbrooks
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM

Maybe put up a Valentines Day tree and exchange love gifts? Yeah, its silly.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 08:06 AM

Morning Everybody,

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

To Guest....yes, we realize that we are very, VERY lucky people....for a huge variety of reasons and not just Veronica. We are, indeed, extremely thankful. Concerning Veronica.....YES it is hard to let her go....so yeah, I *AM* going to whine about it. My head knows it is logical and makes sense but there's a lump in my throat, butterflies in my stomach and my heart is overwhelmed with sadness......if you could convince the rest of my body to join what my head is thinking....then go for it.....I'm not doing such a hot job of it.

Veronica really isn't a foster child....she's a little girl who started coming to us through the Fresh Air Fund Program. This program lines up inner city kids from New York who would never have the opportunity to travel or get out of the city to spend the summer with families who live in the country. An awesome program...we've had 5 kids over the years....some children return year after year. When Veronica came here for the first time, she was only 6 years old. She stayed for a few weeks and then returned to NYC. The next year she stayed longer...etc. That's the way the program works. Each summer when the kids leave, I spend some time trying to readjust to the quietness of the house and it's always hard. This year though, Veronica's mom called me at work and asked if I would take Veronica after Easter. I said sure. Then it was would I take her right before Easter....yep, that was fine too. Then it was, could you pick her up next weekend? ABSOLUTELY. Veronica's mother's reason for wanting Veronica to move out (while an older brother and younger sister are still living with Mom at home) was that Veronica wasn't doing well in school and she thought she had a chance to make a better life here. Sounds very noble and we thought highly of her. Three days ago, we were under the impression that Veronica would be gone for 2 weeks.....missing a day or two of school. I called her mom to confirm details of this trip and her mother said, "OH THANK GOD YOU CALLED!" She now wants Veronica to stay until almost the end of January....missing over 2 full weeks of school. We told her that and how she is doing poorly in one of her core subjects. Her mother's response...she laughed and told Veronica to do her work. Gee....what concern, eh? She calls about once a month.....I used to think it was financial hardship was the reason for that...but SHE HAS A CELL PHONE with UNLIMITED NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS!!!!!!!! She can call for FREE EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! When she sends things in the mail like health records....there is NEVER a note or a letter...and never anything for Veronica. There is no financial support here (no stipend or clothing allowance as many foster care programs allow....no insurance....we added her on our family insurance)....the apathy of this woman just kills me. She doesn't care about her all year long (I'm sure she does care...but we really have no way of seeing it) and now she wants to play Mommy over the holidays. Nice.

My one and only concilation (spelled wrong, I know) is that Veronica will be coming back..at least that's what her mother tells us. Anyway...I'm just blowing off steam. It really does help me to hear about other people who have cared for children who aren't there own and how they have dealt with it.

And Spaw...you have my admiration. Thanks for sharing with me.

Okay..time to get the little one up and ready to go.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:26 AM

Ten years and over thirty kids..........Foster Parents.........Doesn't get easier. I have tales and tales. You hope you have made some difference and become depressed when you see that in many cases any difference is so small as to be almost non-existent. But you hold onto that and keep going. eventually most of us burn out while becoming calloused to a point we never thought possible.

You have to take those small differences and hope and believe they were at least something. We stopped three and a half years ago for a variety of reasons, basically burnt out. We get visits from some and sometimes are encouraged but most often we are depressed. On the other hand, they do come back to us and look at the time here and at us as something they hold close......and that's nice. But still.............

And then.............One of our boys, was with us for 4 years and kept visiting for another 3 or so afterwards.....We hadn't heard from him in almost three years and feared the worst.   A month ago he knocks on the door. He's got this nice girl with him who iturns out to be his wife and a 6 month old baby who is happy and beautiful! He has a good job that he's been working for two years, an almost new car, a nice apartment and they are looking at houses. When they left, Karen and I cried awhile.......happy tears.

Sometimes it works.

Get tough.....Hang in.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Mudlark
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 03:19 AM

Don't know how you stand it. It must be so hard to hand her over, even from just a selfish viewpoint. If done right, fostering is bound to be heartbreaking, even in the best circs....which is what makes it such a heroic and wonderful act. Thanks for being there for Veronica in the ho-hum times...maybe you need to institute your own private "holidays," so you all could celebrate together as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Amos
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:00 PM

Sounds like a case for custody might be made, although IANAL. It might be a hassle, and it might be well worth the outcome, depending on how Veronica sees it.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: mg
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 10:34 PM

It sounds like you have lots of room in your hearts. How about another little girl who might need you on a more regular basis. As long as Michelle is not being abused or neglected, and here's hoping, spending time with her mother is a positive thing, and spending time with you is positive. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 10:30 PM

Whining is fine but Michelle, you are a very, very lucky person. -guest

Subject: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 10:25 PM

My husband and I took in an 11 year old little girl last April. She had been spending summers with us as part of an inner city program designed to allow children the chance to experience country living. Last spring, her mother called and asked if she could send her daughter to us to live here. Without hesitation, we said yes. Now, as we have known for a few months, Veronica (the little one) will be leaving us tomorrow to spend a month with her mother. There's a logical part of me that says well of course...this is as it should be....they want to be together for the holidays. Then there's the rest of me that is heartbroken that she won't be here to celebrate with us. We get to have her for the hum-drum daily life but not the celebrations. *POUT*

Veronica is all tucked in bed now after a wonderful day of just playing together and I just want to say that this SUCKS. I can't stand the thought of sending Veronica off with her mother..the woman who can't be bothered to raise her, write her a letter or even to call her once a month. She didn't even call on Thanksgiving.

We do not have full custody of Veronica so we are pretty much stuck...we have to do what her mother wishes...try not to rock the boat too much and still maintain our sanity and hearts. I said it once and I'll say it again..THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!!   _()&)(*^*&^$%$@%#$^)*^(*&%*&^$%^#^$#

Welcome to my whine fest.

Michelle