BS: Whine Fest

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 Sep 04 - 10:04 PM

Just a few minor things:

1. Veronica had a caseworker or she would have never been part of the Fresh Air Fund.

2. I am a Social Worker.

3. I have spent the last 10 years teaching parenting skills and working with a program in my state designed to keep kids at home (least restrictive environment possible). This involved working not only with the parents, but the courts and schools. Don't talk to me about parenting skills. I have a pretty good idea about that.

4. Discuss all the grief coping skills you want...I'll take any of it at this point. I know I'm a mess. I also know that I would never jeopardize Veronica.

5. If you feel the urge to beat on folks when they are really down, how about you bend over and take a splintery baseball bat and park it where the sun doesn't shine, mmmmmmkay? Great.

Tschuss.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST,SueB
Date: 12 Sep 04 - 09:40 PM

I think the worst problems are the ones that make you feel the most powerless. Everyone has problems, some huge, some little, but we can almost always find something to do about them, and taking some action, any action, no matter how small, helps. When there is nothing you can think of to do, when your own fate, and that of someone you love, is out of your control, that is the hardest thing in the world. That's where the expression "impotent rage" comes from. When your happiness, and that of a child you love, appear to be in the hands of someone who shouldn't be allowed to keep a hamster, it's intolerable.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 12 Sep 04 - 09:46 PM

For relief breaks, see thread:

BS: Eye Candy

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Sep 04 - 05:23 PM

shhshshhsss your self

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 08:58 PM

Hmmm....well....I've been working on trying to see the brighter side of things and I've been doing fairly well.

Today we did a little searching. It seems that Veronica's mother has the phone listed in someone else's name. In fact, that name has 2 phone numbers within a few blocks of each other. In searching amongst all my paperwork for some information, I ran across another little sticky note from Veronica. It says, "I am SO HAPPY Michelle. I LOVE YOU.

I've been very good about not crying lately....even discussed this situation with 2 people in the last 2 days who asked about Veronica (who had no idea) and didn't even begin to well up with tears...but that note....yep...I cried.

I just want to STOP crying...I hate this feeling and it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I am almost at square one all over again.

On a more positive note, my letter to Veronica has not been returned. I can only hope that her Mother (and I use that term LOOSELY) let her read it, or maybe Veronica picks up the mail herself after school...since the kids are home alone at that time.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 10:32 PM

That tummy thing is usually fear looking for a way out. What makes you laugh? SueB got in a good one today in the Helpful Hints thread-- might get you started. Laughter is a great way to discharge fear.

~The Honorable Mrs. Cootiesniffer

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: harpgirl
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 11:01 PM

This is a sad story but maybe it will have a happier ending. Perhaps Veronica's mother will decide after a short stint at being her mother again that she is not up to the job. I'm sorry you are hurting, Michelle. The time you did spend with Veronica will be a defining moment in her life, though, I'm sure.

SueB said it so well. The worst problems are the ones we feel helpless to correct. I myself seem to have had one problem after another since the hurricanes began to hit Florida. Now I've misplaced my appointment book (I think while I was going over and back to Pensacola) and I have no idea who is coming in, whom to bill, and countless other pieces of important information are lost to me....

My brother is really suffering though. His wife hasn't worked since Charley and he is disabled but unable to get SSD. It affects the entire family...I feel so tired...

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 11:01 PM

Dear Mrs. Cootiesniffer,

   What makes me laugh? Not much...at least not right now. I can feel my face smile sometimes (a particular story about a woman standing in the doorway of a bell tower and a bunch of rain dumping down on her...for instance) but I don't feel the laughter inside. Does that make sense? Auto pilot is the best way I can describe it. I do things without really knowing I did them....I take notes in class and the next time I look at those notes I don't recall writing them. I frequently have no idea how I got to bed, etc....yep...auto pilot. Scarey, really.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 20 Sep 04 - 11:10 PM

Hey Harpgirl,

I agree...I think SueB pinpointed a lot of my frustration.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough go of it too. :(

   There's a very logical part of me that KNOWS I don't have it so bad and that there are many more who suffer far more. My heart, however, doesn't give a shit about what my head has to say...I wish it would listen...

    I hope your appointment book turns up...sounds like a paperwork nightmare.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 07:42 AM

Well.....all of Veronica's clothes have been packed up and are now in the back of my car. I will be taking them to the Salvation Army tomorrow. It just makes me sick. I woke up sick, I sat at the breakfast table and cried some more. It's almost been a month since she left and it feels like years.

I don't want to take those clothes anywhere, I just don't. There's nothing else to do with them though...they aren't helping anyone here.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 09:35 AM

Maybe your body is telling you not to do this?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:00 AM

How about posting them to her. With some of her favorite sweets and a cheerful letter. Letting her know how everyone is.
She might be missing you just as much and if she did phone and ask for x item of clothing, and you tell her you gave them away, she might feel really abandoned.She might want to start up a dialogue with you but unsure of how to start?

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Big Mick
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:28 AM

I am very conflicted by this discussion. On one hand I am reading the posts of a person who cares very deeply, who saw a child in need and did all the right things, put her heart and soul into making a difference for this child, and who is going through justifiable anger and grieving at the injustice of what has been dealt. For this extraordinary person, I want to extend my arm in friendship, caring, and understanding.

But the other person I see here is a person, with justifiable rage, who is so focused on her anger at the Mother, and her own feelings of sorrow at HER loss, that it is clouding her judgement. Michelle, it is so clear to me that you care for, and love, this little girl. Don't let your grief cause you to do things counter to the good works you have already done. For example, you take great pride in what she accomplished at school for the first time in her life. If the pride is due to the fact that YOU were good for her, then do nothing to help this sorry excuse for a Mother. But if your pride, and your joy, was for Veronica then you need to put away the anger at the Mother and get those records to that school. In your heart, you know that this isn't about you, but about that girl you have come to love. Whether you ever see her again or not, and I believe you will, your motivations have to be her best interests and not your anger at the injustice of it all.

I agree with the wise women here who are encouraging you to vent the grief. But DO NOT be consumed by it. Based on what I am reading, you are in danger of that. You have provided a brief shining moment in this little girls life. It is amazing how those times are often the defining times in the lives of these children. Grieve, sure, but take solace in that fact.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GIVE THOSE CLOTHES AWAY. Pack them in boxes, and put them someplace where you do not have to look at them. I will bet you anything that she will be back for them one day. Might take a while, but she will. And the act of love involved in giving them back will have an impact that is profound.

Remember, Michelle, it is not just this girl you made an impact on. It is the as yet unborn children that she will bear that will also be the recipient of your love. After all, you have shown Veronica what a loving Mother really is. Congratulations.

With great respect and concern for you,

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 01:27 PM

Rage at Veronica's mother. Sometimes...yes. The school issue has been taken care of. Her clothing on the other hand....I have kept some of her favorites...but I have to face facts that she is not coming back. I have not heard from her nor do I expect to. When she lived here she did not ask to call her mother nor did she write to her unless prompted. She showed so little interest in her own mother that I'm sure we aren't going to hear from her. I have written and I have emailed her and have yet to get a response. I will write again anyway.

   Keeping the clothes? What am I going to do with them? I'm not going to send boxes upon boxes of stuff to New York. If she ever would return to our home, she would have outgrown all this stuff anyway. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

   And being consumed with this....I suppose that sometimes I am. I can go for days without having an issue in discussing Veronica...but for whatever reason this week, I'm having difficulty. I have scheduled another appointment with my Dr. for tomorrow. Part of me knows that I'm in trouble and the other part thinks that I am fine and grieving...and that's all there is to it. Again, I don't know. I think to myself that last year at this time, Veronica had been in a localparade, the last time I saw a particular bluegrass band, she was there...laying in the sun on a blanket tapping her toes in the sunshine....last time I picked apples, she was there, climbing the ladder and delighting in the thudding of apples falling to the ground. I miss her more when I am doing things that I know she would have enjoyed or that we had enjoyed together in the past. I am okay at home except for the occassional note that I find that she left for me..sometimes hidden in the darnedest places. I went to church last Saturday night...something that she and I always did together. The first time there without her was horrible...I cried through the entire thing. This week, my mom returned from her travels and she went to church. Veronica, who always sat between us seemed to be overwhelmingly missing again. Then someone asked me (very innocently, I'm sure) where my girl was? Didn't she want to live here anymore? That did it for me. As soon as the service was over, it was all I could do to get outside without just wailing. I'm considering not going there anymore because it is just HARD. I know it's not going to be easy and I have to work through this but I feel like every time I crawl back up on top of my stool and have a somewhat normal view of the world again, I fall off again.

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Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 07:03 PM

Michelle, as you may know from reading a different thread some time ago, my oldest daughter died 5 1/2 years ago - actually, it will be 6 years at the end of January.

All you can do is what you are doing. Cry. Cry again. Go to the places that you would normally go to in your life, and if they make you cry, then cry. Then go again. It is hard. It is necessary. It is not something you ever get over, but it is something you can get through.