BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: skipy
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:02 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

2nd? Yes it is! I started the "first joke thread of 2008" way back in 2007!
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 02:49 PM

Oh, I get it, that's the first joke on the second thread.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 08 - 06:39 PM

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking role!!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Jan 08 - 03:50 PM

According to my religion, to eat bread at Passover is as bad as committing adultery.

A friend of mine tried them both; and he can't see the comparison.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 01:52 PM

A farmer is in need of some new animals so he decides to write a letter and put it in the newspaper. It reads, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongeese...". He didn't think that sounded right so he tried again, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of some mongooses..." He didn't think that sounded right either, so he finally tried this, "To whom it may concern, I am in need of a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Amos
Date: 03 Jan 08 - 07:43 PM

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.........

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Splott Man
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 10:36 AM

Jesus and Satan were always arguing about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for eons, and, frankly, God, even with his
infinite patience, was just a little bit tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough! I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
-- for once, and for all! -- who is better on the computer."

The very next day, the Ultimate Computer Match-Up began: Satan and Jesus sat
down at their respective keyboards, and on the command, "GO!", started to
compute.

They typed.

They moused.

They formatted.

They did fancy fonts.

They copied.

They cut-and-pasted.

The touched up photos.

They faxed.

They emailed.

They emailed with inserts, and backgrounds.

They emailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets and databases.

They did sound.

They filtered music.

They made play lists.

They edited video, with three-track sound.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man and woman.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The power came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE!
I've lost everything! Arrrgh!!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past
two hours of work. Satan observed this, and became highly irate.

"Wait!" Satan screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,










"Jesus saves."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 04:24 PM

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local tech college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 08:41 PM

I'm not over-excited by your latest joke, Amos.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Jan 08 - 11:20 PM

Some back references
The Fourth Joke Thread for 2007
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007
known as "The Fifth Koke Thread for 2007"
The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Jan 08 - 03:01 PM

In Dante's Divine Comedy, over the gates of hell was written

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"


Someone proposed that a related note should be seen above every computer,

"Abandon hope, all ye who press 'Enter' here"

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 11:27 AM

A Christmas Motorcycle Ride

Four old-timers were riding motorcycles for their weekly ride to the diner, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without getting any argument go directly to the garage and get the bike, meet his buddies and ride a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.' Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are at the diner.


The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'


Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'


Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they've lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this Bike ride. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or a ride with the motorcycle club!'
And she said...





"Take a sweater."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Jan 08 - 01:04 PM

From Becca:
AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 06:38 AM

... and another reference: First Joke Thread for 2008

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 02:50 PM

"Lunch Workout"

Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow
workers, a secretary from our office who runs
regularly was especially motivated to get to the
gym after work.

Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food,
suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As
she was leaving the office, she called to the boss,
"Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll
be on your lap in half an hour!"

This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face
turned red *before* her workout.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 09:09 AM

Why would a farmer be in need of a mongoose, let alone two of them?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Pseudolus
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:07 AM

Cause without it, there would be no joke...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,strad
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:08 AM

Perhaps his farm was over-run with snakes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: gnomad
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 10:16 AM

Click ere for the story of some who did want 'em, and what happened.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: dwditty
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 11:21 AM

From Bob Newhart:

An aldulterous couple were engaged in wildly passionate sex. The woman gasped,"Kiss me! Kiss me!"

The man replied, "Kiss you? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!"

dw

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 12:11 PM

"A Frickin' Elephant"

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at
a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

(Deep breath) ... "WHAT did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 12:14 PM

"Tired Dog"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall,
and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position
in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued
for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned
to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 03:26 PM

When I heard the dwditty one, the second line read,

The therapist replied,"Kiss you? I shouldn't even be on this couch with you."




The analysts were walking along the street, when another analyst walks past them saying,"Good morning."

Once he's gone, one analyst says to the other,

"What do you think he meant by that?"


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jan 08 - 05:14 PM

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 08 - 10:08 AM

"Triple Hit"

Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several
of us were standing around in our leotards
chatting about fitness and diets. One woman
said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking,
gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same
time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could
possibly do this without acquiring at least one
other undesirable habit for compensation, I
jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well,
my sister is pregnant now."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 04:01 PM

A few excerpts from the cat's diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.....must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 11:58 PM

Q: How many Windows Vistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: They don't need to, that blue screen will light up the entire room.



Q: Why did Mrs. Vista slap Mr. Vista?

A: Because Mr. Vista called her bloated.



Q: Why couldn't Vista get a girlfriend?

A: Because he disabled his aero effects.



They need work. But hey, so does Vista.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 08:50 AM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin'
and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 04:20 PM

The 11th was IVGLDSW day, and we missed it! But here's something for the occasion anyway:

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so
please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being --
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 09:32 AM

He walks in   . . .

She turns and says, 'You must make love to me -- this very moment.'

His eyes light up and he thinks, 'This is my lucky day.' Wanting to keep the momentum, he bends her over the kitchen table and has his way with her.

Afterwards she says, 'Thanks,' and returns to the stove.

Totally confused, he asks, 'What was that all about?'

She explains, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 10:31 AM

"Tickled to Death"

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip
to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon he
was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke
not a word of Chinese, his address was to be
translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to
death to be asked here today."

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the
interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in
Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies,
only to be with you today."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Skivee
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 11:33 AM

Ivor: A variant:
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. One says,"You're fine, how am I?"
From the Bennet Cerf Joke Book "Now That Thag and Og Are Dead, What
Next?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 07:23 PM

The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.

"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Jan 08 - 11:21 PM

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six year old daughter and said "Would you like to say the blessing?" I would not know what to say," replied the girl.

"Just say what you hear Mummy say." the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner."





After the christening of his baby brother in church Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally the boy replied "The preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 09:07 AM

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 12:44 PM

Near the end of the prayer service the minister asked if anyone had any issues that needed to be prayed about.

A man raised his hand in the back of the room. "Well – I'm concerned about my hearing".

"Well come on" down the minister replied. He laid his hands on the young mans ears and said in a loud voice: "O Lord – heal this young man – make him whole again so he can better hear your Holy Word". Then he told the man "Stand up and be healed". Then the preacher asked him if his hearing had improved. The man replied "Oh my hearing is fine. What I'm really concerned about is my hearing. It's on Wednesday."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 05:30 PM

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there! I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"       The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jan 08 - 07:37 PM

"Life's Calling"

When I was a high school senior, I saw an
inspirational ad on TV about becoming a teacher.
I called the number shown: 800-45TEACH.

After a woman answered, I babbled on about how
I thought I had found my life's calling and could
she send me some information.

She asked me what number I was calling. After I
told her, there was a long pause.

Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Jan 08 - 10:46 AM

LOL, Becca!

Here's one a male friend sent me:

Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 04:57 AM

Nursery rhymes for the 21st Century:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.
----------------------------------------------------------
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have U got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d*ckhead.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its a*se
And turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 05:50 AM

Skivee, your variation reminded me of a variation.

Client sands, from his holiday, a postcard to his analyst,

"Having a wonderful time - why?"


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 07:24 PM

A native American walks into a midwest city hotel to book a room.

"Just put your cross here," says the receptionist.

The man puts two crosses.

"What's the second cross for?"

"That's my Ph.D. from Harvard."


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Jan 08 - 10:29 PM

An interesting winter driving statistic:

98% of US drivers say "Oh shit!" when sliding off the road during icy winter driving conditions.

The other 2% say "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 01:02 PM

Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.   

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in, though, because they didn't have cars.      

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.   
   
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
      
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph, who wore a really loud sports coat.      

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
      
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.   
   
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon, who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.   
   
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
      
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
   
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And So Endeth Our Reading
Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 04:55 PM

"Woman's Intelligence"

A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts
are, the less intelligent she is.

I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite.

I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less
intelligent men become.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jan 08 - 07:24 PM

"On Women"

Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask
a woman her age.

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her
sister-in-law.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year
older is when she is expecting a baby.

Women's main two complaints: Nothing to wear,
and not enough closet space for it.

It is the woman who chooses the man who will
choose her.

Why do women go to tanning salons?
What a waste of time and money.
Guys only like the white parts anyway.

What do you call a woman who can wash up,
do the ironing, make the beds, feed the kids,
hang out the laundry, cook dinner and take the
dog for a walk all at the same time?
. . . A Swiss Army Wife

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 08 - 11:25 AM

Cheerios are really bagel seeds.

New potential career choice: "gas price changer
technician."

If you're pushing 80, that's exercise enough!

I'm in a long-distance relationship. I carpool to work.

Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been
grounded.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it
depends on the gift.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw
the old one away.

If you do what you've always done, you'll always get
what you've always gotten.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the OTHER day.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is
going to stop me?

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the
blame.

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing
home $450,000 a week.

A golf course is a site to be holed.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right
decision?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I could find a way to fax my kids to daycare, I'd save
45 minutes a day.

Never run from your fears because when they
catch up to you, you're too tired to fight.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

I'm so strong I can tear a phone book in half the hard
way; one page at a time.

My friend only drinks on special occasions; like when
somebody else is buying.

He changed his name to Hilton so it'll be the same as
the name on his towels.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and
a little drunk.

We may not imagine how our lives could be
more frustrating and complex . . . but Congress can.

Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry.". . Compassion
sees and says, "I'll help."

My doctor told me my operation was fairly routine
and not at all complicated. I told him to remember
that when he makes out the bill.

Fall is when the leaves on the trees know their
usefulness is done and they depart gracefully.
Politicians should be made to watch and learn.

Nothing seems expensive on credit.

Skier: one who pays an arm and a leg for the
opportunity to break them.

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in
traffic!

The hospital should also have a recovery room next
to the cashier's office.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: eddie1
Date: 22 Jan 08 - 07:08 AM

A banjo player was fed up with being the butt of all the jokes and decided to learn another instrument. He went to the local music store and decided to buy the first two instruments he saw. When he got inside, an assistant asked if he could help. "I'll have the red saxophone and the accordion." said the banjo player.
"You're a banjo player aren't you?" said the assistant. "How did you guess?" he asked. "Well," said the assistant, "I can sell you the fire extinguisher but the radiator is plumbed in!".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jan 08 - 09:33 PM

A magician had a gig on a cruise ship. Toward the end of his first night's performance, a parrot which was kept in a cage in one corner of the room called out, "Awwwk! The watch is in his pocket!" Of course it was and, his big finish ruined, the magician could only glare at the parrot and limp through the rest of the show.

The next night, the magician did an entirely new routine and, again, as he was getting near the end the parrot called out, "Awwwk! The Ace of Spades is up his sleeve!" Again the parrot was right and the magician became increasingly flustered, barely making it to the end of his performance.

The third night, the magician put together a routine of his best tricks, determined to fool the parrot. He was getting near the end of his act when the ship suddenly hit an uncharted reef and began to sink rapidly. Everyone scrambled to get off the ship and into lifeboats and, wouldn't you know it, someone rescued the parrot and it wound up in the same lifeboat as the magician.

For three days the lifeboat floated on the ocean, with the parrot giving the magician the fishy eye the whole time. Finally, the parrot said to the magician, "Awwwk! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jan 08 - 09:04 PM

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this
       you call a smile?"

       CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you
       didn't write."

       MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like
       the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that
       schmutz off the ceiling?"

       NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand
       out of your jacket and show me!"

       ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like
       the other kids?"

       GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you
       can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
      
       THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light
       bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

       PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,
       midnight is long past your bedtime!"
      
       ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something
       with your hair?"
      
       MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last
       forty years?"

       BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
       "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
            
       BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
       "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"

Dave Oesterreich