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BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
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Subject: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:05 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'To kick off the First Joke Thread of 2010, we have the following: "The Giant" One day a planet was discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it sat motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs, but it never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived. This puzzled the scientists, who tried everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain. It just sat, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth, and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again. "My God," exclaimed the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands to reason!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill D Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:29 PM Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill D Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:33 PM Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 01 Jan 10 - 04:24 PM lol Puts me in mind of the verse from the song: Jimmy had to tell a lass her husband had been killed. "Break it gentle. Don't just blurt it out", we said. So he went round to the house and when the lass came to the door He said, "I bet you'll never guess who's dead." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Shanghaiceltic Date: 01 Jan 10 - 06:03 PM A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant. The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch. Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant. "Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!" "Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?" "Yes, I did," replied the rabbi. "Did you see me sit down at this table?" "Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified. "Did you see me order?" "I most certainly did," the rabbi attested. "Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked. "Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed. "Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant. "Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi. "Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:25 PM Sgt Cohen receives a message that the wife of one of his men has just died, and asks him to break the news gently. So he lines up the platoon & orders "All the married men: take one step forward -- not so fast, Greenberg!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,999 Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:50 PM How do ya get a dog to stop humping yer leg? Give him a blow job. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,anglo-yank-ophile Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:50 PM actually the first joke thread was posted about an hour into the new UK year, but an over-sensitive clone deleted it.
-Joe Offer, Forum Moderator- |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jim Dixon Date: 01 Jan 10 - 11:33 PM Paddy Murphy dies, and O'Connor is delegated to break the news to his wife. O'Connor knocks on Mrs. Murphy's door, and when she answers, he asks: "Pardon me, madam, but may I speak to the widow Murphy?" "I'm Mrs. Murphy, but I'm not a widow." "Aha! Think again, Mrs. Murphy!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: wysiwyg Date: 02 Jan 10 - 12:13 AM Unisex bumper sticker we loved today: ============================ I USED TO BE FUCKING STUPID but then we broke up ============================ ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dave Hanson Date: 02 Jan 10 - 05:04 AM Irish Roulette, the Irishmen in a room each drink a full bottle of whisky, then one of the leaves the room and the other two have to guess who it is. Dave H |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,banjoman Date: 02 Jan 10 - 06:44 AM A cannibal goes on a self catering holiday and comes home minus one leg |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 02 Jan 10 - 08:34 AM A man is walking through the Jewish quarter of town when he checks his watch and notices it has stopped. He hates not having the time with him and so looks around for a jeweller's shop. He is unable to read any of the shop signs, but he notices a small kiosk, in the window of which is an assortment of clocks and watches. He goes in, takes off his watch and asks the man behind the counter if he can mend it. The man shakes his head sadly and says that he does not mend watches. Assuming that the shop only retails, the man asks if he has a cheap watch he can buy as a replacement until he gets it fixed. Again the man shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry. I don't sell anything. I am a mohel." The customer gets angry at the waste of time and snaps, "Then why do you have clocks and watches in your window?" "And you," replies the mohel, "what would YOU put in the window?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dave Hanson Date: 02 Jan 10 - 08:54 AM It's no skin off my nose. Dave H |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 02 Jan 10 - 06:34 PM The graduations on a whiskey bottle: - Jocose - Morose - Bellicose - Comatose |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jan 10 - 12:49 PM Joe F, you remind me of this song. Four Stages of Drunkenness Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,eric the viking Date: 03 Jan 10 - 07:49 PM What do elfs learn in school? Their elfabets. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 04 Jan 10 - 07:02 PM Another possibility for niche businesses ---egg timers: She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all…. right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She said, "The egg timer's broken." Bill Hahn |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 05 Jan 10 - 06:37 AM You are playing a village cricket match. Unfortunately the umpire at the end from which you are bowling is the vicar of the other village, and in spite of his calling he is clearly giving you nothing. What do you do? Next time you have cause to appeal, don't ask 'How's that?' Instead ask 'Where's God?' He will say 'Up there.' And point. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 05 Jan 10 - 10:10 AM Rufus was dumping residue from some glass bottles into some pig food. "Rufus whaat the heel r yu doin?" Amos asked. "Ahm puttin Zeke's leftover Meth Amphetamine into ma pigs feed", Rufus said. Why ?? cuz I herd if ya get two pigs ta flail ya get billions of dollars of gubmint money. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 10 - 04:07 PM I don't git it |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 05 Jan 10 - 05:22 PM too big to fail? I don't git it either. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 10 - 07:49 PM Rereading, I see the pun now, with Donuel's help, but what does it have to do with methamphetamine? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 06 Jan 10 - 06:00 AM And there was me thinking I might have to explain the cricket joke!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Jan 10 - 10:35 AM Please do... is pointing upwards a sign for You win? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 06 Jan 10 - 11:55 AM When a member of the fielding side in cricket thinks a batsman is out, he will call out "How's that?" If the umpire agrees the batsman is out, he will lift one finger pointing skyward, which is the signal for "Out". Happy now? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big bass, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jan 10 - 03:55 PM New Years Resolutions -- a Five-Year Progression 2006: I will find a better social site than Orkut. 2007: I will find a better social site than Myspace. 2008: I will find a better social site than Facebook. 2009: I will find a better social site than Twitter. 2010: I will find a better social site than Busty Blondes. 2006: I will not become what my mother called a "drinking man". 2007: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2008: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2009: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2010: I will not miss any AA meetings. 2006: I will overcome my fear of the dentist. 2007: I will see my dentist this year. 2008: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2009: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. 2006: I will be the best husband ever to Brittney, my new wife. 2007: I will try to be a better husband to Brittney. 2008: I will not leave Brittney. 2009: I will try for a reconciliation with Brittney. 2010: I will try to be a better husband to Jessica. 2006: I will stop flirting with other women. 2007: I will stop looking at other women. 2008: I will not have an affair with Jessica. 2009: I will not let Jessica interrupt my reconciliation with Brittney. 2010: I will stop flirting with other women. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Louie Roy Date: 07 Jan 10 - 11:05 AM A lady came into a grocery store and looked at the vegetables and then went up to the owner and asked him where his onions were and he told her politely he didn't have him any. She then became angry and started to berate him a grocery atore with no onions what kind of a place is this.He finally got caught up and he said to her if you take the car out of carrot what do you have and she said rot and he sid if you take the to out of tomatoes what do you have and she said matoes and if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have and she said there ain't no fuck in onions and he said lady that's what I've been trying to tell you there ain't no fucking onions |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Midchuck Date: 07 Jan 10 - 11:37 AM Not sure if I should open a new thread for this, "above the line," since it is music-related, but why confuse things? P. ***************************************************** From the Flatpick-L list: A doctor dies and just before the gates of heaven he meets the gatekeeper St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The doctor replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and saved many lives". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life. A lawyer dies and just before the Golden Gates meets St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The lawyer replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and help many innocent people triumph". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life. A musician dies and just before the Magnificent Golden Gates of heaven he meets St Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The musician replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and entertained people through my music, making them happy". St Peter replies "You may enter...just go around these gates, through the kitchen, up the stairs, through the long corridor...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: VirginiaTam Date: 07 Jan 10 - 12:42 PM Maybe this was posted in previous thread Two Woodpeckers... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: bubblyrat Date: 07 Jan 10 - 04:14 PM In the English county of Somerset is the lovely town of Frome ( which, being cussedly English,is pronounced " Froom" ). It boasts a fine medieval church, dating back to the 1100s, with an interesting and rare feature; near the altar is a screen, or "rood", where bibles were kept, for the use of the poor. To prevent them from being stolen, they were attached to the screen by leather belts,which passed through holes in the woodwork. Of course, the bibles deteriorated years ago,and the belts rotted away, but the holes can still be seen. On a visit there ,in about 1930, the great Ernest Hemingway was fascinated by this, and was moved to write ; FROME : THE BELT HOLES |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Jan 10 - 05:32 PM On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless scrawny disheveled Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, and a "Save the Whales" T-shirt, was struggling frantically, thrashing around and trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other carefully placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but I've now seen with my own eyes that is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope, you idiot!" another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. On that note, is the bait holding up OK or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dead Horse Date: 08 Jan 10 - 03:24 AM Did the Pope have a cr*p in the woods while he was there? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:59 AM Was the grizzly bear a catholic ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 11:06 AM A Weekly Round of Golf All the employees at a company met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, George, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late. On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?" "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," George replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win." "Okay," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is lying on her back?" "In that case," George says, "I am six minutes late." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 11:10 AM How I Think of Myself I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor; I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy; I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image; I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused; I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 03:54 PM The admiral's daughter finally persuaded her father to allow her to marry the able seaman. But the admiral was still worried about his decision some months later, so he warned his daughter, "Now, some of these sailors have strange desires. Whatever you do, don't give in to any requests he might make to have sex ...ahh...well... 'the other way'." "Really, father!" replied his daughter. "Our sex life is our business, and for your information we are very happy." But her father's remarks had got her wondering, so later that night she said to her husband, "Do you ever feel like having sex 'the other way,' sweetie?" "What?!," yelled her husband. "No way! Next thing you know the house would be full of bloody kids!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 04:04 PM The Wit of Dorothy Parker Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) was an American writer, critic, and wit; a member of the famed Algonquin Round Table; a writer for New Yorker magazine; an early television personality; and a wonderfully sharp-tongued observer of the human condition. The New Yorker was launched in 1925 by Harold Ross on a very tight budget. The magazine's finances were so bad that even the simplest equipment was in short supply. One day, Editor Harold Ross complained to Dorothy for being late on a story assignment. Her reply? "Someone else was using the pencil." While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New Yorker editor Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review. "Too fucking busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa." At a party, an arrogant young man told Parker, as he looked around the room at the guests, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools." "How odd," Parker replied. "Your mother could, apparently." For her review of a novel by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, Parker wrote "This is not a book to be cast aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force." Parker was not fond of Clare Boothe Luce. A friend tried to convince her of Luce's qualities, telling her that for instance, Luce is "very kind to her inferiors." "Oh?" Parker replied. "Where does she find them?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,Jugs Date: 14 Jan 10 - 04:26 PM What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 15 Jan 10 - 12:58 AM The Dorothy Parker-ism I have always been fond of was her reaction when the news reached the Algonquin Round Table that President Coolidge was dead. "How can they tell?" she enquired. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bainbo Date: 15 Jan 10 - 07:33 AM In a similar vein, it's said that when news broke of the death of Spain's General Franco, there was consternation among his underlings, and mutterings of: "But who's going to tell him?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Jan 10 - 11:50 AM A Dry Town In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: dick greenhaus Date: 15 Jan 10 - 12:43 PM And as the divine Ms. Parker said, "If all the girls at this party were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be in the least surprised." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Jan 10 - 01:36 PM Artistic Good News, and Bad News An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "Give me the good news first," the artist demanded. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: bubblyrat Date: 17 Jan 10 - 08:20 AM Typical Naval Joke - The Commander-in-Chief, a full Admiral, visits his domain, the local Naval Base and Dockyard, one sunny summer's day. Accompanying him is his pretty, six-year-old, blonde, curly-haired, adorable little daughter. She is, like her father, immaculately turned-out, and carries a rather fetching little parasol. Upon entering through the Dockyard gate, the Admiral is saluted, with a "present arms" by a sailor on sentry duty. After these formalities, the little girl says "Daddy, may I go and talk to that sailor?" "Alright" says father, "but don't be long." Tugging at the still-rigid sentry's trousers, she says, "Hullo! I want you to talk to me!" "Well now, that's a very fine parasol you have there," comes the somewhat unimaginative reply. Stamping her feet angrily, the little girl says, "No! No! I want you to say something NAUTICAL!" To which the sailor replies, through gritted teeth, "You can shove your fucking parasol right up your fucking arse!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Jan 10 - 01:22 PM "Summerlands" A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome. I'm St. Peter." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Jan 10 - 03:33 PM "Golf Terms" A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls in the rough. A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with golfers who are in a deep depression. Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor stance and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the handle of the club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole, out of turn. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Gurney Date: 24 Jan 10 - 12:48 AM A variation on your 'Summerlands' joke, Uncle Dave: And then St. Peter led her past a walled enclosure. "Who's in there?" she asked. "Shhhhh!" said the Archangel. "That's the Catholic enclosure. They think they're the only ones here!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:02 AM "Dental Hygienist" As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until finally he had to ask what she was basing her opinion on. The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius." |