BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 03:56 PM

The recession was so bad that when the family had to get an exorcism for their teenage daughter, they couldn't pay the priest. So she got repossessed.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 03:59 PM

I called the suicide hotline the other day. It had been outsourced to a call center in Pakistan. The man said, "Wonderful! Can you drive a truck?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 25 Jan 10 - 04:27 PM

Wife finds hubsand in the kitchen holding a fly swatter, and asks, " How many have you killed?"
He answers, "Five. Three male and two female".
Wife then asks, " How can you tell the difference?"
"Easy" says the husband, "Three were on the beer can, and two were on the phone".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 09:09 AM

"Tough Final"

Two football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl
the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had
a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer.
He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure
he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching,
he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the
professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald
had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up
his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again,
he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 10 - 05:42 PM

My Fiance's Sister

Rated PG-13

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"

The moral of the story?

Be smart, like me. Always keep your condoms in your car

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 10 - 07:29 PM

How can you tell an extrovert from an
introvert at NSA?











In the elevators,
the extrovert looks at the OTHER guy's shoes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 09:49 AM

"Fun In The Bible"

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.


Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruthless.


Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson brought the house down.


Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from
the Garden of Eden?

A. They were definitely put out.


Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did
after they were kicked out?

A. They raised a little Cain.


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to
explain why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."


Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most
proficient lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once.


Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible?

A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.


Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of
constipation?

A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the
throne for forty years.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua was the son of Nun.


Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?

A. He only had two worms!


Q. How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark?

A. Because Noah sat on the deck.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,Bob L
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 05:48 PM

Well, in that case...

Q. Who is the shortest man in the Bible?
A. Bildad the Shuhite.


Q. How do we know that Moses wore a wig?
A. Sometimes he was seen with Aaron, sometimes without.


And no less than five Scriptural constipation cases are recognized (surely you've heard the song?):
1. Cain, he was not Abel.
2. Moses, he took the tablets.
3. Balaam, he could not move his ass.
4. Samson, he brought the house down.
5. Solomon, he sat for 40 years.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Jan 10 - 08:56 PM

Who was the second-shortest man in the Bible? Ne-hi-miah.

Who was the smallest man in the Bible? He who had not, and even that which he had was taken away.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Folkiedave
Date: 02 Feb 10 - 08:18 AM

A Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, you need to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 10 - 06:13 PM

"Lawyers Q&A"

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying
a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could only save one of them, would you go
to lunch or read the newspaper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.


What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full
of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands weren't met.


What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their
chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country,
and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 10 - 05:15 PM

Funniest thing I heard on TV today...

"Obama's credibility is on the line here, as much as my own !"


Quote: Glen Beck

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dharmabum
Date: 05 Feb 10 - 10:34 AM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 08:32 PM

On a flight heading for Detroit, Jack was sitting reading the paper when he noticed the guy next to him.

The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, quivering in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "Afraid to fly?"

"Not at all. I've been transferred to Detroit," the guy said. "There's crazy people there! They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the country!"

"I've lived in Detroit all my life," Jack replied. "It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you and your wife do there?"
"Us?" said Jack. "Well, I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck, and my wife volunteers in the north sector guard tower at our kids' school."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: bubblyrat
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 12:52 PM

The late JD Salinger was once asked which woman, he felt, was the sexiest, most alluring, most attractive of her kind in the 1960s-1970s.
    After some deliberation, he suggested "The Cat, Cher; in theory".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 06:23 PM

A man was seated on a bus, with an unoccupied seat next to him. He saw a disheveled, crazy-looking woman come down the aisle, and murmured to himself, "Oh, God, please don't let her sit next to me!" But that was what she did, and her first words were "God told me to sit with you".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 06:05 AM

I am a Lawyer and I have no qualms about posting this one.

Did you hear about the Barrister (US : Attorney) who, whilst at the Aquarium, fell into the tank which held the sharks ?

He ate three before he was pulled out.


Q. Whay do you call an honest lawyer ?

A. A liar.


Then there was the chap who drowned in a vat of beer.

He got out three times for a piss before he died.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 04:11 PM

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"You actually know that many women?" he asks, amazed.

"No," says the mad mailer. "I don't know any of them."

"Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Feb 10 - 05:47 PM

Secrets from your Driver's License

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it!"

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are: you're 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!"

The mother is past surprised -- she's shocked. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, now getting suspicious. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Feb 10 - 05:59 PM

Advanced Pain Control

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go head and kick it up a notch.

Surprised, the doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

But when they got home, the mailman was lying dead on the porch.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 04:21 PM

The Hotel Check-In

A friend of mine who works for the government was on a business trip, and checked into a hotel in Washington D.C. in preparation for a meeting at headquarters.

Wanting to ensure that he stayed completely on the up-and-up, he remembered to ask this time, to avoid it appearing on his bill -- which would be examined by government auditors.

"Excuse me," he said to the clerk as he accepted his room key. "I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No, you sick bastard!" she exclaimed. "It's regular porn!"

Sometimes you have to be really careful how you word things.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,Bob L
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 07:07 AM

Supposedly a true story. A guy on a business trip took one of his associates to the theatre, claiming the cost (legitimately) on expenses. The show they went to see was "The Greatest Little Whorehouse In Texas". On the Visa statement received by Accounts, the payment was identified just as "Whorehouse In Texas"....

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 05:28 PM

Childhood Diseases

A young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww -- what's wrong with your feet?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "You also had smallcox, didn't you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Feb 10 - 03:29 PM

What did butter say to bread when they got pulled over by the cops?















We're toast!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Feb 10 - 04:03 PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started
On him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where
Have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and On and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
Dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
To go up stairs and give him the good news...
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 08:49 AM

"A Skier's Dictionary

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also
a shouted request for assistance made by a European
skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What
Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that
needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport.
See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift
Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from
potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis
from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope
where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on,
eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from
serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for
dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have
never been broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't
require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds
or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along
trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed
woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through
snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the
puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're
prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot
with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside
of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your
poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together
at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana
in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to
restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any
manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the
outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect
skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes
bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way
on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead
batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in
direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law
of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by
side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be
created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket,
don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When
an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a
controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can
execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance
and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few
pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from
the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to
where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming
down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with
is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down
the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to
break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly;
your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose
flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white
and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all
directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two
quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Feb 10 - 10:07 AM

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't
require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds
or lines. It isn't skiing.

Hey, Dave? ...you and the horse you rode in on.

Some of us think it's the ONLY skiing that is skiing.

Yeah, I know, it's just a joke.

So are jokes about n*****s or Q****s.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Feb 10 - 05:19 PM

"Summerlands"

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found
herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He
walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to
end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan
sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small
path which went through the gates and down a
bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then
he stepped back and gestured her forward.

Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields
and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw
people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly
as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder,
the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and
saw a small group of people a short way away from
the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group
were watching the revelers, but not joining them.
Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously, beating their heads on the ground, tearing their clothing.

The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"

St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists.
They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they
stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't
really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God
doesn't like being told what He thinks."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,999
Date: 26 Feb 10 - 01:27 AM

Just received the following by e-mail. FYI, after I respond to the Prince I want you all to know I intend to keep on talking with the 'little people'.

"His Royal Highness Prince Salman bin Hamad Al Khalifa Kingdom of Bahrain

Bahrain, officially the Kingdom of Bahrain (Arabic Mamlakat al-Bahrayn), is a borderless island country in the Persian Gulf and is the smallest Arab nation.

I am seeking for a reliable and trust worthy business partner for my client life time investment abroad in Real Estate Depending on your business plan, proposals and professionalism,all profitable business with assurance that the security of the funds will be there with ROI of at least 10% per annum

TRUST IS MY WATCHWORD.I look forward to your early reply via EMAIL Note that a fully signed and stamped Memorandum of Understanding with Probate of Seal will be initiated in this business venture to aid this transaction between the both Parties

I will be sending to you my private email id in due time

1. Your Complete Full Names.
2. Your Residential Address.
3. Your age and Occupation
4. Your Phone and Fax Numbers for Easy and Faster
Communication.

May Allah bless you
Barrister Malek Kteishat"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Feb 10 - 07:29 PM

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...

-------------------------------------------------------

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love
to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord,
if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dharmabum
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 09:03 AM

An elderly gent is getting a checkup at the doctors office.
While the doc is examining him,the doc asks the guy,"Do you & your wife still have mutual relations"?
The old man gets up,shuffles to the door,sticks his head out & hollars down the hall to his wife;
"Hey Maude,do we still have mutual relations"?
"No"she hollars back,"I keep telling you,we have Prudential".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 12:56 PM

Quip from Wait Wait Don't Tell me segment on how the elderly, in increasing numbers, are getting stoned.

"I've got the munchies, Martha, where are my teeth?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 02:58 PM

HEARSAY EVIDENCE

An actress was testifying in New York in a suit for damages,
and the cross-examiner plotted to discredit all her testimony
by proving that she consistently lied about her age. She was
fifty-two, but posed as forty. She did not wish to lie under oath.

"How old are you?" the cross-examiner asked.

"I don't know," she said promptly.

'What! You don't know?"

"No. I never had a birth certificate. I have never looked up
the record of my birth."

"But Miss," the cross-examiner protested suavely, "surely
your parents told you your age. When did they say you
were born?"

"That," said the actress firmly, "is hearsay evidence, and I am
sure you would not ask that it be admitted."

"But . . . but. . . ," the cross-examiner sputtered.

The actress turned to the judge. "Am I right or wrong,
your Honor?"

The judge grinned. "You are correct," he said.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 03:23 PM

A young lady was going out clubbing but, unfortunately, had a bad case of the sniffles. She decided that an extra handkerchief would be a wise precaution but by the time she had filled her tiny evening bag with the essentials such as her mobile phone, makeup, money for a taxi, etc, there was only room for one handkerchief. No problem, she just popped it inside her bra. After all, Mother Nature can always do with a little help.

During the evening of active disco dancing, jigging, jiving, pogoing and the like, she discretely reached for her spare handherchief but couldn't find it. After a few surreptitious pokes and prods with one finger met with no success, she left to find somewhere more private.

One of the barmen went out for a smoke break. He had noticed the young lady's energetic gyrations on the dance floor through the evening, but was quite taken aback when he saw her in a corner with her hand thrust down the front of her dress, groping around and muttering to herself:   "I'm sure I had two when I came in"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 05:16 PM

A Bachelor's Prayer

O Lord, may I never be married,
But if I must be married, may my wife be faithful to me,
But if she must be unfaithful, may I not know of it,
But if I must know, may I not mind.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: freda underhill
Date: 01 Mar 10 - 08:36 AM

Top signs of Net addiction



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.1 or higher."

3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 01 Mar 10 - 11:53 AM

Wow, that's a vintage item!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Mar 10 - 05:59 PM

The Importance of Walking

   Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $7000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    and we don't know where the hell he is.
   
    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.
   
    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
   
    I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
   
    I joined a health club last year,
    spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.
   
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
   
    I do have flabby thighs,
    but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
   
    If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
    start with a small country.

   
    I know I got a lot of exercise
    the last few years,......
    just getting over the hill..

   We all get heavier as we get older,
    because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much
      about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 10 - 06:29 PM

A university is a storehouse of learning, because the freshmen enter with so much, and the seniors leave with so little.

*

No, no, nurse! I said *prick* his *boil*.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 08:29 AM

No Nurse! I said 'Remove his SPECTACLES!'

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: *#1 PEASANT*
Date: 03 Mar 10 - 08:32 AM

Here is my collection

Irish Humor

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 06:18 PM

Irritating St. Peter

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings
again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little
annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;
again, no one's there, and he's now really, /really/ irritated.

"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see
what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a
little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps
ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.
Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:09 PM

One of the short animated films nominated for an Oscar is a variation on that tale - an old woman dies and is happy to see the grim reaper when she realizes she'll be with her husband again, but she's resuscitated by a macho doctor -- the rest of the film is a duel between death and the doctor; the old lady wins in the end.

The Lady and the Reaper

(All the shorts are featured here

~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM

"Short Bits"

Neurotic: A person who worries about things that
didn't happen in the past . . . instead of worrying
about something that won't happen in the future . . .
like normal people.

You come into this world with nothing, and you leave
with nothing. Except, when you leave . . . you have
to pay taxes on it.

I have learned a great deal about myself from my Inbox.
According to my junk e-mail, I'm bald, impotent and in
need of constant refinancing.

Businessman to another executive: "Since we began our
corporate stress-reduction seminars, production's
gone down and no one seems to care."

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious
quotes on cups. The very first one will say, "Jesus, this
stuff is expensive!"

Congress was upset that one of its own members'
offices was searched with a warrant. But none of
them seemed upset by the fact that the guy is
accused of taking a $100,000 bribe.

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what
they want and adults pay for it.
Deficits are when adults tell the government what
they want and their kids pay for it.

Some guy broke into our house last week.
He didn't even take the TV.
He just took the remote control.
Now he drives by and changes channels on us.

Iraq's minister of planning and development says
they are in a phase, marked by unprecedented chaos
and government corruption. Sounds like they have
the same kind of democracy we have.

Mr. Parker saw his son's shiner and demanded,
"Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?"
"No one," replied the spunky child. "I had to fight for it."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 03:03 PM

53 Things you'd like to say at work



1.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10 Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14 I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24 Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33 Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41 Aren't you a black hole of need?

42 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47 Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.

48 Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51 Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

53. I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 02:43 AM

I've just started a hectic IT Support job. I intend circulating the following memo:

From: IT Support
To:   All staff

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We need to know that you can't get your e-mail, not that it's because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The e-mail server detects the capitals and flags the message for a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT Support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call IT Support on your mobile phone. We can fix your land line remotely from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call IT Support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an IT Support person tells you that computer monitors don't have ink cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an IT Support person tells you that (s)he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy won't work".

17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the recent anti-virus software upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an IT Support person on the phone with the bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at them until they hang up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer sh*t." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as sh*t.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When you can't find someone in the local telephone directory, call IT Support.

25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the IT Help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

27. When you receive a 30 Megabyte video streaming file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29. When an IT person gets on the lift pushing several thousands pounds' worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out remote sites at the other end of the country like to keep abreast of what's going on.

31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. Do blame IT Support when attempts to log in subsequently fail. You didn't actually do anything to the computer as such.

33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

35. Keep it crashing!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Mar 10 - 02:07 PM

I hear Tiger Woods is starting to play golf again. But to demonstrate that he's learned his lesson, he's not going to play 18 holes. He's just going to play one hole over and over.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Mar 10 - 06:24 PM

"Anyone can tell you're no gentleman."
"Mmmm, same to you, lady!"

*

Philosophy is the disease of which it is the cure.

*

Pardon me, ma'am, but your slip is showing.
You are mistaken, sir; it is my sister's.

*

The census taker knocked on a farmhouse door....
Religion?
Presbyterian.
Married?
Yes.
Children?
Five.
Ages?
5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
You were having them pretty regular for a while.
Yes, sir, but we found out what was causing it.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Mar 10 - 09:09 PM

Paddy was having a few at the pub, and then a few more; eventually he toppled off the barstool and fell flat on the floor. He managed to get to his feet, but within two steps he was flat on his face again. Fortunately he lived only a half block away, and by repeating the process for only an hour or so he made it home. At last he struggled to his feet against the door of his house, opened the door, and fell once more, inside on the floor. There he remained until his wife came downstairs in the morning. "Sure, and y've been out and done it agin, haven't ye, Paddy" she exclaimed. "And how did ye know?" he answered. "Cause the bartender called to say ye fergot yer wheelchair agin", she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Mar 10 - 09:16 PM

Ole, he verked at da funichure factry. Vun day he slipped, und cut off all ten of his finkers in da table saw. Dey rushed him to da hospital. Da doc said, "Ole, did ya bring da finkers? Ve got dis new microsurgery now, und ve should be able to sew dem back on und save dem." To which Ole replied, "But Doc, how did ya tink I vas gonna pick dem up?"