LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 31 Oct 10 - 11:36 AM

Tomorrow I'm off to visit my chemotherapy oncologist, have my port accessed and flushed and to discusss a few side effects I've been experiencing. I'll also find out (the following day) what my CA-125 is. I am praying for low numbers.

Anxiety level is pretty high today.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 01:39 PM

These updates are wonderful and life-affirming. I suspect you have a lot of readers who never make a peep, who have benefited from all of this. So the continuing news adds to the richness of the thread. Thanks!

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 01:11 AM

definitely good news

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Bobert
Date: 11 Oct 10 - 09:18 PM

How do you spell "cancer survivor"???

Great new news, Michelle...

"Hey" to the little guy...

B~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Oct 10 - 09:12 PM

Yippee!!!

Now, quite fretting, okay?:-)

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 11 Oct 10 - 09:01 PM

I went to see my surgical oncologist today and I left with good news. :) My bloodwork from last time looks good and my exam went well. He did tell me that it's possible I would have some strange pains from the surgery as my insides have been rearranged. If I'm still feeling this at my next appointment, he said they might consider a scan but at this point he doesn't think it's necessary.

:) HOORAY!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 12:54 AM

iF YOU FEEL ILL AND ARE NOT SURE IT IS WITHIN ACCEPTABLE "NORMAL" LIMITS, RUN DON'T WALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BOTH FOR AN EXPERT OPINION AND SOME REASSURANCE.
dAMN cAPSLOCK!
aLICE IS ON THE KEYBOARD AGAIN.
bY THE WAY, lILY, IF HE OFFERS YOUY SOME aMBIEN, i WILL TAKE IT. tHE OLDER THE BATCH, THE BETTER.
mUCH LOVE.
sins, BACK FROM THE gETAWAY.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 09:57 PM

I also feel better knowing that I have an appointment to have this looked at.

This is a hot clue that the anxiety is connected (TBTG) through your thinking-brain center-- that doing what your best thinking says is needful is actually helping to reduce the anxiety.

If you still decide to talk with a counselor, that will be an important clue to share, when it comes to planning strategies to reduce the anxiety-- and lucky you! It's a very good thing.

It is also a very strong indicator that trusting yourself (and IMO your Lord) is a very practical and reliable thing to do. :~)


This means that the next time you feel like you do not know what to do, you might find it helpful to remind yourself that a feeling, however strong, is not as reliable as your own best thinking... that your best thinking does eventually make itself clear... and that when it IS clear, it is good to act upon it... and that when you do, it helps.


It's all related to that little trick I taught you during the worst of the V-stress-- the mindful decision to put your attention on a particular place of positivity to move away from the confusion caused by pain? At the time, you implemented that by starting the wonderful "Today is a good day because..." thread. And it worked very well for you during a really bad time. It was the act of a strong, wise woman-- you.

Trust THAT woman, who is even stronger and wiser now, and you cannot go wrong.

~Susan

CC: Cn CS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 08:58 PM

good news

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 05:01 PM

I finally got to talk to my surgeon's head nurse...she said she'd talk to him and call me back tomorrow....however, she called talked to him and called me back maybe 20 minutes ago. From my description, she says he is not overly concerned, especially because my last CA-125 was well within limits but that if I wanted to come in, he'd gladly see me. I have an appointment with him first thing next week and he said he'd feel around and check out my belly. I love this man and trust him implictly. I feel better knowing he isn't concerned and will feel MUCH better after he's had a chance to look and feel around. They think that it's probably adhesions and food moving through is irritating it. That, I can live with.

I also feel better knowing that I have an appointment to have this looked at.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Little Robyn
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 04:10 AM

It could be scar tissue - did you have a drain near there?
I still have a lump under my arm near where the drain was.
They tell me it will go away - eventually.
I still get twitches and aches from around the scar that used to be my left boob but it's beginning to settle down and most of the time I can just forget about it.
Soon it will just be a bad dream!
XOXOXO
Robyn

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 11:26 PM

Whatever this weird thing going on in my gut is, it's still going on. I'll be calling my surgeon (to talk to the nurse about the possibility of this being healing underneath the skin) and my oncologist. It's just too scarey to NOT call. I am NOT messing with this.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 09:00 PM

Please watch and check this site out:
Georgia Ovarian Cancer Alliance

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 03:59 PM

Yum. My acupuncturist advised me to have cottage cheese mixed with plain yoghurt and some fresh or frozen, unsweetened blueberries. It was really good, but too much protein for me, except for once in awhile.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: mg
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 03:34 PM

Read up on a German doctor..Johanna Budwig I think...who treated cancer patients with a mixture of something similar to cottage cheese mixed with flax oil..I imagine you could add a few low-carb berries...anyway, something to do with sulpher bonds and she has great results. It couldn't hurt..probably won't taste great but not awful either with a bit of fruit or chives or something and would be healthy regardless..would give you something else proactive to do against any recurrance. mg

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: GUEST,Ebbie, housesitting
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 11:27 AM

Might it help if you went back to the beginning of this thread and followed the journey from Day One? If you haven't cut and pasted them,before, creating a document chock full of symptoms and outcomes, hints, tears and laughs and hugs and sadnesses and happinesses, laments and gratitudes, at the very least will change your mood and mindset and might just re-charge your batteries.

{{{{hug}}}

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 08:38 AM

Dear Michelle

I know you are anxious about your health. Completely understandable given what you have been through. Hope you are also looking into ways of managing the anxiety as it is an unhealthy stress.

I am not not advocating complacency re how your body feels. Do all you can to define and treat the causes of pain. Just pay special attention to avoiding the worry about the pain.

I know it is very difficult. Recommending that you immerse yourself in activity is pointless, as it is clear from your posts that you do keep yourself extraordinarily busy. Having a little one about the house is certain to help with that.

Maybe try to keep your focus completely in the moment when you are busy, rather than letting the niggling worries grow into a black hole that sucks up everything in your life at the present moment.

Rereading this post makes me feel a bit too preachy naggy.... but it is sent with much love and concern to the Michelle you need to be. The person you are for yourself and those who love and need you.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 11:07 PM

Great advice, Mary. Thanks for posting citations (names of authors). I suspect it will help more than just Michelle.

Michelle, you just illustrated how close you still are to this with your remark about seeing your friend in church. You still have short hair, you're still really close to the process. I'm sure all of this will relax as time passes. Hugs, kiddo, and get a good night's sleep.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 10:58 PM

I'm not much of a night time snacker as my husband gets home late and we have a late dinner.

I did go to talk to someone at a nearby cancer center (closer than where I travel to) and she just kind of sat there and looked at me. No suggestions were given other than to try and take things a day at a time, to find a support group and to try journaling. I already do those things. She was a very kind woman but not at all helpful. I don't know what I expect....well...yes I do. I want some answers. I want to make the anxiety and cancer disappear forever. I want to know that I'm going to be ok. And no one can give me those answers. No one.

Anyway. I am sick of hearing this stuff in my own head...can't imagine what you all must be thinking. It will be fine. I will be fine.

Got to see a friend this evening who has had cancer and lost his hair before I did and has his normal hair back now. After church, I grabbed a hold of him and took off my chemo cap (my head was cold tonight...had the hat on most of the day) and said, "Hey Lou.....I've ALMOST got more hair than you!" He smiled a big hug and ran his hands through my hair commenting on soft it is.

:) Thanks Buddy. I needed that. I needed that familiar knowing smile tonight.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 10:41 PM

I second the celery and cream cheese before bed. It's not that many WW points and is very satisfying, for me. About the only bread I eat is Ezekiel raisin bread, approved by the kidney specialist and a a slice or two of oat nut bread which is really tasty. I know my Rog needs to cut back on carbs and Susan Weed, in her Wise Woman Way books recommends cutting out ALL white foods, i.e. white flour, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc.

I am glad you are going to talk with someone. I don't think I'd be too strict about whether they have been through something similar, but more that they have effective experience in treating PTSD. Just my opinion, though, of course.

Oh, and I understand not wanting to take xanax with the baby and all. I do still take one at night...my own reasons..I am being patient with myself...sometimes that's the hardest thing of all!:-)

luvyakat

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 09:22 PM

Duly noted. I'm not a big bread eater so no worries there. My husband, however, IS and wants homemade bread for his lunches....hence the breadmaker. I do eat some of it, maybe 1 or 2 slices per loaf. I do, however, love potatoes and fruit which is where most of my carbs come from. I am diabetic and they are indeed messing with my meds...never thought about the higher blood sugars and their involvement in where I'm at.

My anxiety comes from fear of the cancer spreading or coming back and the what ifs that follow that train.

I did have a lot of carbs today and really should reign that in. Arg. Thanks for the suggestions. :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 07:12 PM

I haven't really followed this thread..are you having panic attacks? You also mentioned diabetes. You also mentioned bread machines and various high carb dishes..bad combination all the way around. If blood sugar becomes unstable the body will release adrenaline to force some changes and the adrenaline rush can be the panic attack. What makes blood sugar unstable? Carbs. If you are diabetic, you need to find a doctor who really understands carbohydrate metabolism in diabetics (and diabetes is a way of telling you that you do not metabolize them in high numbers) and good luck finding such a doctor because they are scarce and will keep telling you bad information. Read Dr. Rob Thompson of Seattle..has some books out for those with diabetes and metabolic syndrome. The informaton is out there..and shouted down by medical establishment. Also read Dr. Gerald Raven? of Sanford University Medical Center endocrinology. And have your insulin levels tested, notjust blood sugar..

So anyway, you have all this plus have been through cancer and of course are worried about things, plus a new baby. LThis all interacts wih stress, cortisol, adrenaline..add in PTSD from surgery etc..more stress..the s in ptsd stands for stress which stands for endocrine hormones..probably mainly cortisol and adrenaline but also insulin ...if you are taking insulin that is another factor...

So..I can not offer medical advice but I suspect part of this is a blood sugar problem and the absolute recommendation I would make is to quit eating bread period..does not matter if white, brown, whole wheat..has to do with not just denaturing but also of grinding and air surface etc. So read up and see if there is any reason int he world you should eat anythjing with white flour. I would cold turkey it. OK carbs for some are lentils, beans etc, buckwheat which is a herb they say..depends on body how much we can tolerate. My body tolerates basically zero and fights like crazy to keep weight on..

What stabiizes blood sugar? fats. I find bacon is a wonder drug for me. Depending on your ancestry, try it in salads tc..not with any carbs. If some people get carbs low enough even with high fat diet they can lose weight..and it gets harder as your body gets more damaged. It is way harder for me now to even maintain high weight but I stay off drugs at least. When I say carbs I mean carbs with calories, such as sugars and starches, and Dr. THompson, whom I go to, says starches are the worst because we evolved to handle a small amou8nt of sugars from fruit and honey, but we (at least Northern Euuopean we) did not evolve for grains as well, particuarl wheat, hence all sorts of problems with celiac disease, perhaps even schizophrenia etc. Meditteranean ancestry is different and can tolerate some wheat.

Well, that is my suggestion..you are probably going through a natural process of unstable blood sugar caused by high stress and doctors that encourage you to eat some standard diabetic diet that istoo high incarbs for your particular body, especially a body under great stress. So there is no reason to eat bread unless you are an active lumberjack so I would try giving that up totally and seeing if your blood sugar numbers don't get better,your medications drop (you must measure things carefully) and your panic attacks don't lessen. Eating right before bed..something with protein, fiber and fat, like celery sticks and cream cheese, can often help till morning, especially if you have nightmares, panic attacks at night etc. mg

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 04:08 PM

I'm with you about the drugs. I only take the Xanax when I absolutely can't function due to panic and when Pete is home. I will NOT take it when I have Jeremiah here by myself. I don't like to take it at all, really. It doesn't ever fix what has caused my panic but rather allows my body to have a break....slows my heartbeat, steadies my breathing, makes me sleep....then when I wake up I get a second shot at dealing with whatever.

I have talked to someone locally but I think I'd like to make an appointment with someone who deals with cancer patients on a regular basis.....preferably someone who has had heard You Have Cancer themselves (not that I'd wish that on anybody...but my thinking is just that they might have a more clear understanding of the panic if they've been there themselves). I think this is part of the path....

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 07:16 PM

Drugs are the easy out for physicians to recommend, too easy, in my opinion (and the following is my opinion - based on growing up in a household of a psychiatric social worker practitioner.) And you do have an infant to care for, you can't be zonked.

Freud called psychotherapy "the talking cure" for a good reason - it is indeed a cure. The drugs aren't a cure, they defer the problem until later.

It has been said that talking to a good friend can be as therapeutic as counseling. Getting it off your chest, looking at it from different angles. I went into counselling a couple of times when I was college age, and before the divorce, and found it helped me to understand what I was feeling. It also gave me a process to work through things on my own. That residual effect of counselling is worth its weight in gold.

Whether you find a cancer survivor's support group, a new best friend, or a counselor, I hope you'll find something, and soon, so you don't have to go the drug route. You'll feel better in the long run.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 06:06 PM

Hi Everybody,

Thank you for the suggestions. I have discussed the ongoing anxiety with my oncologist and he gave me a huge script for Xanax. That's all well and good but it also makes me REALLY tired and I can NOT function that way with the baby so I don't take it. He also said that at my next appointment (which is a month from today unless I call on Monday for something sooner), we can talk about seeing someone to help me deal with the anxiety. It's not ALL the time but when it hits, it's bad. My head knows that more than likely I am fine as that is what all the tests say and the doctors are telling me but there's a voice inside of me that lives primarily in my chest and gut that says....what if? And I am blessed with an imagination that loves to RUN. So....maybe talking with someone about PTSD is something that will help.

Maybe the fiber will help too. LOL.

I love you people!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 04:28 PM

Five and a half years later, I still get twinges and sudden pains in my chest. The tissues they have to cut through are so deep, we are bound to feel stuff for quite awhile, as SRS says.

Until a year ago, this time, I didn't realise I was also suffering from PTSD; diagnosed by a psychologist/therapist. It's something most docs know about, but don't say anything about. Therapy really helped me to live with it until it lessened. Willingly putting our bodies within someone else's hands, literally, surrendering, if you will, completely, and not knowing if our lives will continue or to what extent they might continue, can have profound psychological effects on us. After checking with the oncologist, etc. you might ask them about therapy to help you through these episodes. Just a suggestion, as SRS said, YMMV.

kat

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 01:41 PM

{{{ HUGS }}} dear Michelle. Yes, call the oncologist- why wait? And take that baby out and savor every precious moment.

I'm not trivializing your very real anxiety when I offer you this a quote from a funny comedienne, Loretta Laroche:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why they call it the Present!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 01:10 PM

I think I read somewhere that it takes upwards of a year for all of the healing to finish after major surgery. The tissues are rejoined and all of that, but for the area to stabilize after my surgery, I am sure I went for quite a long time wondering about the tinges or aches I experienced.

On a different surgery, a bunion on my right foot a couple of years later, I remember being able to more closely observe the healing. The surgery area was smaller, it was where I could see it, I could tell how my foot felt and behaved, etc. Again, I'd say it took a year before it seemed healed, and I know it was at least that long before the ultimate test for me - that I could use that foot on a shovel to dig in my garden. Prior to that the foot ached if I tried that move.

You're just far enough past the surgery that it seems like everything should be back up to speed, but it isn't, and it won't be for several months yet. Be careful not to strain anything, etc.

Relax and let your body and your spirit heal. Your mileage may vary from what I've described, but it takes more time than you've given it so far. Give yourself a hug, give Pete and Jeremiah each a hug, and don't overdo with the canning.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 11:44 AM

I think the smartest thing would be to call the oncologist

And there it is right there-- you really do know what to do. You posted over and over during the chemo that you wanted us all to trust what our bodies are telling us. If that is what you think is the smartest thing to do, apparently you need also to trust your mind's answer to what you body is saying?

I know-- it does not FEEL like you know what to do-- that's normal for most of us!-- but under the fear and panic is the same very smart lady the rest of us know, made even wiser by the cancer experience.

~Susan

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 11:36 AM

The thing is that I DON'T know what I need to do. The feeling is very much like what I imagine a deer in headlights feels like..where do I go? What happened?

I have been to the local dr. a few times with things that didn't feel right and she just looks at me and tells me things are fine. The Dr. that initally got the ball rolling in December with all the cancer stuff has retired and so I go to the same clinic but I'm not feeling it with this woman. She's very nice but I think because I've been two or three times and it turned up as nothing that she thinks I'm a hypocondriac or something. I hesitate to call her about this because I don't want to be that patient who becomes the one that they no longer believe. If you cry wolf too many times....you get the idea.

Pete reminds me that I have no idea of the incisions made beneath my giant scar, that there is likely some scar tissue, that the baby jumps on my belly sometimes, that Jeremiah does kick my belly sometimes, etc.

It just scares me and I really do NOT know what to do with it. I think the smartest thing would be to call the oncologist as I've told him before about belly pain and he always checks it without question or eye raising. My numbers were the best they've ever been at my last checkup. I practically begged to have them do my numbers once a month but was told that if something was to develop, it would not develop a horrible, untreatable something in the matter of 2 months. I have my doubts about that but my oncologists haven't been wrong about ANYTHING yet. They knew the day my hair would start coming out, they said cancer was *ho-hum* (I can't believe that ANY cancer is HO-HUM to anyone hearing that diagnosis) and my surgeon who was so skittish about saying if I would be ok finally did say not too long ago...you are going to be just fine. I trust this man beyond words and I just need to make peace with it somehow. Both of my oncologists say that the people who do the best are the ones who can say, yep...that was a bump in the road and they keep going. I try very hard to do that....but sometimes that's much harder than it sounds.   

In any case, I am getting myself and Jeremiah out of the house...sometimes that helps a great deal and we have some errands to run anyway.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 04:08 AM

You know exactly what you need to do, Michelle.

~Susan

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: GUEST,Ebbie, housesitting
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 01:14 AM

{{{{Michelle})))

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 01:11 AM

Excellent advice, maeve and SRS.


{{{{Michelle}}}}}

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 12:44 AM

Michelle, as a survivor of uterine cancer, I can tell you that you're not alone, and that as panicked as you might feel right now, your fears are probably unfounded. I'm also missing all of those parts, cervix, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and a few lymph nodes. I also have occasional aches or twinges, and wonder if maybe something has developed. So far, nothing.

Human bodies are remarkable things, but they have so many moving parts that you have to take a lot into account. I won't get indelicate here, but I will mention that if you were to run over to Sam's Club and pick up a $10 bottle of their Member's Mark Fiber Capsules and take 5 a day every day, that you might find some of these twinges you're worrying about go away. No matter how many veggies you eat, I think you'll find that as a supplement this makes a difference. It is harmless, it is good for you, and is pro-active. You can ask me how I know this. . . :)

Relax. Don't beat yourself up. Get enough exercise (accountability!) every day, and take some fiber to supplement your diet. See if that doesn't help some of what is bothering you.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: maeve
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 12:28 AM

You're not the only one with the late night fears, I assure you.

You are a survivor taking healthy action on behalf of your family. As long as you can also focus on this moment, this precious hour with husband, son, family and friends you will create workable balance. Blessings to you, Michelle.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-MomOmy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 30 Sep 10 - 10:45 PM

Ok. Reality. I have something feeling off in my stomach...kinda feels like a ping pong ball in their. I can't physically feel it with my hands when I press down on my abdomen but I feel it in there. It's been there for maybe 2 weeks. It doesn't usually hurt. If it's still there on Monday, I'm calling the oncologist to see about having a scan done. Of course my absolute worst fear is that the cancer has spread. In my head I hear the numbers of my last test...they were GREAT. The doctors told me everything was fine. I've looked up the symptoms of pancreatic cancer and they don't match up with what I'm feeling. Good. Very good. I'm still waking up in the morning feeling like something bad is pulsating through my veins...it's an acutal physical feeling that I have to talk myself down from or out of every morning. I'm ok. My numbers are ok. Both oncologists wrote letters for me stating no evidence of disease (NED).
       Soooooooo...late at night when my brain has carried this line of thought too far, I freak out. I decided that if the worse case scenario would be to happen, I'd want my family to have things that I made for them out of love. Not stuff I bought but stuff I've made. So...during the last few sleepless nights I've been working on a scarf for my husband. He's been asking me for one since I learned to knit (maybe 2 years ago) and this year, he's going to have his scarf. I wish I knew how to knit more than a scarf but I don't so that is what he will get. I've been working on montages and photo albums as well. I plan to have everything put on DVD and also on flash drives that will be stored in my safety deposit box so my family will always have it. I know it's morbid but I can't help it. I don't think the cancer has spread (although I do worry about it) but on the same hand, if it has, I want something for my husband, child, mother and friend that they can hold close and remember me.
    I think about who might have to clean out my nightstand or go through the stuff on my side of the bed and have been keeping it cleaned up. Silly? Maybe. I hope so. I hope it is a totally useless exercise in keeping things neat and orderly.
    I suppose this is on my mind because it seems that when random people find out I have ovarian cancer they go on to tell me that they know someone with ovarian cancer and how it has spread to their pancreas, stomach, lungs, brain....you get the idea.   I wish they wouldn't share that kind of thing because it scares the snot out of me and fires up my imagination while my logical brain SCREAMS, THAT'S NOT YOU!! CANCER IS SO INDIVIDUAL. THAT SCENARIO IS NOT YOU. BREATHE. BREATHE. BREATHE.
    Today I found a very talented artist and have commissioned a family portrait painting. I want reminders here of the life we live together and the happiness that lives here in this house.
    No wonder I can't sleep at night on my own. My brain is like a runaway train with this.
    *Deep Breath*   I hear Bobert in the distance telling me I am going to be Queen of the 10,000 survivors.....I have every intention of proving him right.

XOXOXOXO

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 11:44 PM

NO! NEVER! LOL!

Sorry, Michelle, back to Wiggle Worm...or could it be Wiggles? Or, how about "Wiggly" in honour of Uncle Wiggly?. I have several of those books and loved them so much when I was a kid!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 08:56 PM

Just so long as it doesn't deteriorate into Bubba.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 08:29 PM

Morgan has been "Bubby" some of the time, since he was born.:-) Don't know why or which of us even started it, but so far he doesn't seem to mind.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 06:51 PM

LOL Lily - he will outgrow that one too fast. When do we get to hear what LilyFestre means? Maybe we can work from there.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 04:09 PM

I'm partial to JT WiggleWorm. :)

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Sep 10 - 07:26 PM

How about something unique and subtle, like Lagniappe. It's a small gift (often from a merchant to a customer, but it can also simply mean an unexpected gift.)

Pronounced Lan-Yap. It's French. We'd all have to remember how to spell it, though. :)

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Sep 10 - 06:17 PM

Village of the Damned - sorry.
I think we should start a contest to give Jeremiah a Mudcat name. He can change it if he doesn't like it. Everyone else does.
So, how about J-Boy? LOL
Auntie SINS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Sep 10 - 08:31 AM

It is amazing to think where we all were a year ago.

Today I received a "Best Scary Face" picture from a Catter whose grandson knew that I wasn't feeling my best. I printed it and hung it on my cubicle to the amusement of all. Kind of Bela Lugosi does Children of the Damned.

Can't wait until Jeremiah is offering his image for the mix. This one will be added to the fridge.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 08:35 PM

Good! Bout time.

If any of you is interested in the pink book (wish I'd known about teal when I bound it) that Michelle has, if you set this thread to open completely and then toggle "printer friendly," you'll see that it is immense. That's what I printed out. I did and at the time it was about 225 sheets printed double-sided. This is a huge resource if someone outside of Mudcat decides they need to know how the process worked for at least one person.

Turns out there is a family history of ovarian cancer, my mother's sister developed it in old age. She died of emphysema, and was so ill when it was discovered that they didn't treat it. So having the ovaries removed with the other form of cancer may have been a blessing in disguise.

I almost posted earlier, but hesitated to get mushy. I'll just point out now that this family is going to have one heck of a holiday season, when they start looking at all of the things they have to be thankful for. ;-D

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 08:17 PM

Michelle, it was just a prayer request, with a heads-up that others in the parish have been and/or are dealing with the same thing as you.

My last word on this,

~Susan

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 07:59 PM

What SINSULL said.

Michelle - as always, I take my hat off to you. You are amazing.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 07:05 PM

Lily, as one still in possession of her ovaries, I view you are both a hero and a wealth of information. I sincerely hope I never have to ask for your help. I also hope that if someone could use that help, embarrassment is the last reason for not coming to you. I appreciate privacy. When things are at their worst I rarely share. Just crawl into a shell and stick it out. Each of us deals with our troubles differently.Your ability to be so open with every aspect of your illness has been a gift to the rest of us.Your ability to get on with your life with a husband and new baby is astonishing.
Write that book. I suspect that more than one woman will be grateful for it.
SINS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 06:48 PM

Very well put, Michelle, and you are to be admired for being so willing to share what you have been through in an effort to ease someone else's path through similar circumstances.

I have often thought of writing a small pamphlet for surgeons/docs to pass out to women facing open heart surgery, things they don't think to tell the patient because women are in the minority when it comes to that kind of surgery. The psychologist and a couple of other docs have told me they think it would be a great help. With your example, I may be ready to do just that.

Proud to *know* you and glad today went well,

kat

Subject: RE: LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 21 Sep 10 - 06:41 PM

I don't ask people why they are on the prayer list.

There are loads of people with cancer who don't want to talk about it with anyone or other health issues for that matter. It's a personal decision for each person.

People know I have gone through chemo (some know what kind of cancer and others do not but only because they didn't ask) which was obvious from my oh so beautiful snow white bald head, lack of eyebrows, eyelashes etc...it was a visual thing. Otherwise, would they have none? Not unless they were family friends. I didn't make a point of going around in church announcing what my problem was. I did answer when asked though.

Anyway, I totally respect the privacy of anyone of the prayer list. If there is someone there with ovarian cancer and she wants to live quietly with it, that's her choice. I would have LOVED to talk to more women with ovarian cancer when I received my diagnosis but there is a certain hush-hush about gyn. cancers.....and there is a HUGE movement to remove the stigma and silence around it. In any case, it feels really good to know that there was a woman who wanted to talk about it, about what can help with the day to day survival of the ovarian chemo cocktail and that I was able to give her as much information as I could so that she might be able to have even the smallest bit of comfort where she didn't before. I would talk to anyone about it if they were searching for a soul who's been on the path and has a deep understanding of what it really means....if I was asked to.

I'm not sure what I'm saying is coming across clearly but it's the best I can do at the moment.

Michelle