BS: And yet more amusing priests

Subject: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 18 Dec 10 - 06:12 PM

Got any good priest jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 10 - 06:30 PM

Well, yeah.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Dec 10 - 08:09 PM

And old one, X rated...but somewhat on recent topic:


A college friend was visiting his old pal Murphy, who became a priest. They were out late at a resturant.

The next morning when the friend called over to visit the Reverend, he found him ill in bed. "The food I had must have been bad, I had the runs all night, stated the priest. Trougle is, I have confession in ten minutes and I cant do it. Would you mind sitting in for me", he asked his friend.

"Well no, said the friend, I dont know a thing about your church, confession. It also sounds like something God would frown on, said the friend"

"Oh God wouldn't mind, said the priest. And, I can give you a crash course on confession. It's dark in there, and no one but us would know". You simply bless 'em when they come in, ask them to list their sins, and here's a list of pennance you can issue, he said handing over a paper.

Finally he agreed to help out his priest friend.

All went well for the first ten confessions. But, a young boy was next, who confessed a sin, not on the list. "I proformed oral sex with my cousin, Johnnie", said the boy.

Being resourceful the priests friend wispered to the alter boys outside the confessional. "how much does Fr. Murphy give for a BJ?"

"He gives me a chocolate bar", said one. "I get a package of gum", replied the other"

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Dec 10 - 08:16 PM

Just to be clear. Fr. Murphy does not represent the 99.9 % of the priests that woudl never do that. Fr Murphy was charges in the 80's, long, long, ago.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 03:18 AM

A priest was complaining to one of his colleagues that he had left his bicycle outside the church and it had been stolen. In such a remote parish, it could only been one of his own flock. Who would have expected such an act of betrayal?

The other priest suggested that he should take the Ten Commandments as the subject of his next sermon. When he reached "Thou shalt not steal", he should stop and stare at each member of the congregation, looking deep into their souls. The guilt would be sure to be too much for the evil doer and the bicycle would, more than likely, turn up again outside the church as if by magic.

Two weeks later, they met up again and the second priest asked what had been the result. "Ah well," said the first priest, "I was writing the sermon and when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 03:59 AM

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 06:10 AM

Just got this from Mr Sooz.

>An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking

>photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a

>sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

>

>The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the

>telephone was used for.

>

>The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000

>you could talk to God.

>

>The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

>

>Next stop was in Manchester

>

>There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the

>same sign under it.

>

>He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he

>asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

>

>She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he

>could talk to God.

>

>'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

>

>He then travelled to Blackburn, Burnley , Rochdale   Littleborough, and

>Todmorden

>

>In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per

>call' sign under it.

>

>The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see

>if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

>

>He arrived in Halifax , and again, in the first church he entered, there

>was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50

>pence per call.'

>

>The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.. 'Father,

>I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone

>in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in

>Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

>

>The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a

>local call.'

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Richie Black (misused acct, bad email)
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 06:29 AM

Watch this video, it went out on Irish television last Thursday night. Shocking.

http://www.u.tv/utvplayer/video/134183

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Will Fly
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 06:31 AM

A priest and a nun were playing golf. The nun was a good player and the priest, who was a bad-tempered sort, wasn't playing too well. At the 9th hole, he missed a vital shot and said, "Shit! missed again!" The nun screwed up her face in annoyance but said nothing. A couple of hole later, the priest muffed another show and said angrily, "Shit! missed again!" The nun shook her head but kept her temper. The 13th hole came along and the priest did it again - and on the 15th. On the 17th, the priest missed an easy put, threw down his club in rage and bellowed, "SHIT! MISSED AGAIN!" The nun finally turned to him and said, "Father, your language is disgusting. If you say that once more, I shall pray to God to strike you down with a thunderbolt". Sure enough, on the 18th hole it was all to play for. The nun holed out beautifully and the priest needed to make the shot to square the match. He missed and shouted out "SHIT! MISSED AGAIN!" The nun knelt and prayed for a few moments. As she stood up, a dark cloud rolled over the sky, the heavens opened and a thunderbolt - struck the nun stone dead. A great voice boomed out from the sky above: "AAH SHIT! MISSED AGAIN!"

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: gnu
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 09:22 AM

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Richie Black (misused acct, bad email)
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 09:28 AM

I can never understand why priest's always seem to select altar boys who have big ears ?

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 10:24 AM

Just for the record Arthur-itus, Todmorden is in Yorkshire, but most of the residents are heathens anyway.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 10:36 AM

Not my joke Dave. Just posted it. However I do agree :-)

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Don Firth
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 02:28 PM

Father Flannigan and Rabbi Ginsberg had been good friends for many years. They often had interesting theological discussions, and although their discussions became vigorous at times, they were always moderated by their friendship and mutual respect. They had no problem in "agreeing to disagree" on various issues.

Father Flannigan, however, always nursed the hope that somehow during their discussions, Rabbi Ginsberg would see the light as he saw it, and convert to Christianity. Not as a matter of winning a point, but out of concern for his friend in the Afterlife.

They took a trip together to an ecumenical meeting of priests, ministers, pastors, rabbis, and imams that took place once a year in their area. Father Flannigan was driving.

As they rode down the highway, a large semi-truck coming from the opposite direction suddenly began to veer over to their side of the road. Desperately, Father Flannigan swerved to avoid what would undoubtedly have been a fatal head-on collision with the truck.   Their car went into a skid, slid off the narrow road, and rolled over three times.

Father Flannigan found himself lying face down in the tall grass beside the road, but other than considerably shaken up, he was apparently unharmed. He muttered a quick but heartfelt prayer of thanks, then looked for his friend, Rabbi Ginsberg.

Rabbi Ginsberg was a few feet away, pushing himself up out of the tall grass, but he, too, seemed to be unharmed.

Then, the miracle happened! As the Rabbi rose to his knees, Father Flannigan saw him cross himself!!

"Oh, thank God!" said the priest joyously. "Because of our recent encounter with death, you've seen the light! You've accepted Christ as your Savior!"

"What!??" said the Rabbi. "What are you talking about?"

"You just crossed yourself! I saw you just now!"

"Crossed myself!? What do you mean 'crossed myself?' Oh! No! I wasn't crossing myself. I was just checking!"

"But I saw you! Just now!"

"No, I was checking to make sure I had everything. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and pen!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: wysiwyg
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 03:05 PM

This Presbytera has heard them all, usually at the least appropriate times from people who are SURE that THEIR particular joke will crack us up and provide stress relief. Tho we politely laugh at them all, only about 1% of those are actually funny, but never at this time of year..... Just too damn busy.

In case you ever wondered!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 03:23 PM

An elderly priest had become so forgetful that he found it hard to remember all the sins that had been confessed in the long sessions common amongst some of his more active parishioners. To help him set the correct penance, he used to take a stick of chalk into the confessional and mark the sleeve of his cassock for each sin confessed with one or more lines, depending on the depth of the transgression.

One day, a young man went into the box and said "Father, I went to a dance last night"
"Oh did you now?" said the priest, who chalked up a mark on his sleeve.
"And I met a girl" continued the young man.
"Oh did you now?" said the priest, chalking up another mark.
"I took her outside into the moonlight, Father"
"Go on", said the priest, adding two more marks to his sleeve.
"Well, …. I made love to her in the car park"
"Oh DID you now?" exclaimed the priest, adding five more marks. "And who was this young woman that you led into temptation with your lust?"
"It was the Vicars daughter, Father"
"Ah, boys will be boys" sighed the priest, rubbing the chalk marks from his sleeve.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 03:28 PM

WysiwiG!

It's pretty clear from the opening post what the content of this thread is going to be. If you don't like these type of jokes, don't read the thread and that way, you won't be offended.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Van
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 05:00 PM

A priest and a Rabbi lift next to one another and by chance they both bought new cars. The Priest went out and blessed his car with Holy water. This perplexed the Rabbi as he wonderedd what he could to to his car to upsides with the Priest. After a while he went into his shed and took out his hacksaw and cut an inch off it's exhaust pipe.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 05:20 PM

Well said Doug

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: gnu
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 05:31 PM

I am a Frisbeeterian... I believe that when you die, your soul goes up an the roof and you can't get it down.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: wysiwyg
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 08:03 PM

You presume I am offended. I am not. I am however as entitled to say a word here as are you all. If you do not care to hear the realities of life in the clergy household--- well, then do not read about it. :~)

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Ed T
Date: 19 Dec 10 - 09:47 PM

OK, I'll bite. Tell us some amusing stories about the priesthood and life in the clergy household, if you have 'em to share, so we can rate 'em on our laugh meter.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 09:31 AM

Oh I have plenty, but the best ones are not told publicly till long after their living characters depart. But better than those are the ones where people are at their best, impressing the HELL out of us. (THOSE are usually too poignant for most folks to be able to sit still long enough to hear, so they sometimes deflect the feelings with these boring jokes.)

Want a stunner-- ask Bill D some time why Hardi had to leave suddenly in mid-MudVisit when the ER called, and what the Presbytera's role was till he got back. (That one's NOT a funny one.) These are the realities the jokes prevent hearing about.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 10:10 AM

I guess that means "no jokes to submit"?

I was expecting a fresh source of jokes to relieve the pre holiday stress.

Oh well, if you ever have the time, jot a few down here. In the mean time, we will just have to rely on traditional sources.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 10:18 AM

Old Father Kelly was walking back from visiting a old couple of his parish when he was accosted by a streetwalker.

"Hey, Padre! Wanna get it on?"
"My daughter, what you are doing is sinful and endangers your immortal soul."
"Well, if you change your mind here's my card."

The next day he met her again and said, "Daughter, I prayed for you all night."

"Aw, Father," said she, "if you woulda phoned I woulda been right over."

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 11:13 AM

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."


Church Bulletin Bloopers 2


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy".

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 10:19 PM

A protestant neighbour of mine told me a touching story. He said "The boys in our family always practice a Christmas tradition. We don't go to church every week, But, no matter how busy we are. We go to midnight mass each year. We throw snowballs at the folks coming out of church Its fun".

It was a joke of course.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Don Firth
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 10:42 PM

Mom: What did you do in Sunday school this morning, Billy?
Billy: We sang songs about funny animals.
Mom: Funny animals!? Like what?
Billy: "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 11:25 PM

Don-
Not to mention "lead On, Thou Kinky Turtle"
And the one abourt "Round John Virgin"

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 08:57 AM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: John P
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 10:21 AM

A couple in heaven wanted to get married but were stymied because they couldn't find a lawyer or a priest . . .

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 11:33 AM

That's a hell of a joke John P.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 12:37 PM

a pastor was preaching his farewell sermon before moving on to a new church.on the way out a tearful woman addressed him
"oh pastor;im so sorry you,re leaving"
the minister,wanting to soften the blow for her replied assuringly
"i,m sure God will bring another and better than i"
the lady;still tearful said"
oh pastor;thats what they all say,but they only get worse!.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Don Firth
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 01:31 PM

Least we forget. The classic:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke!??"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: The Sandman
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 05:14 PM

A Priest and a Rabbi Happened to have a church and a synagogue next to one another in a particular town
both the Rabbi and the Priest were both determined to have a better attendance than the other, consequently a competitive edge developed between them, as each one tried new methods to attract new members to their congregation.
one day the Priest was absolutely astounded to see the Rabbi crossing himself , this continued for several days eventually after a week of this behaviour ,the Priests curiosity could not be sated, so the priest breaking his rule never to talk to the RABBI, could not contain himself any longer.
approaching the RABBI,the Priest unable to contain his fury any longer...thunders.. what is the meaning of you crossing yourself , are you taking the Mickey out of my religion?
oh no says RABBI just checking I have everything...wallet, watch, spectacles, testicles.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Don Firth
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 06:02 PM

Uh . . . note my post above, at 19 Dec 10 - 02:28 p.m.

Don Firth

(Of course, the good ones always bear repeating.)

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 01:22 PM

One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says," Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!" So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Vicar exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait. When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this piont the Pastor says," Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: framus
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 02:48 PM

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi were discussing they apportioned the collection money each week.
The priest said he put it all on a plate and tossed it up over the vestry table - whatever fell on the table was for the church, the rest for the cleric.
The vicar said he did the same, but with the reverse allocation of the money.
The rabbi said that he did the same, but "If it stays in the air, it's for God."
Shalom, Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: And yet more amusing priests
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 04:42 PM

To complete Arthur's first one: the Vicar replies "What rocks, Pastor?"