Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions

Subject: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Oct 99 - 10:51 AM

El Swanno has contacted me regarding suggestions for a new solo act. Dave is concerned because his most recent act has now been deemed "unsuitable" by every venue within 100 miles of his home and I thought that the Mudcat could provide act suggestions as well as support in this "crisis."

Dave's most recent act, as you may be aware, was to ascend a 90 foot tower, garbed in half a gorilla suit and fishnet tights. He would leap from his perch, performing his "Swan Dive" while playing the "Garry Owen" on Bagpipes, ignite a fart, and rocket into a Fire Helmet filled with lime jello 90 foot below. After several audience members suffered heart attacks and 47 were sent to the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, area promoters blackballed the "Great El Swanno High Dive."

Dave is currently feeling as useless as possum pellets and since his own level of creativity is on par with that of a dwarf tulip bulb, can we all band together and come up with something for the continuance of his solo career?

Cleigh O'Possum is in deep despair over Dave's joblessness and hopes that a good suggestion will be forthcoming from a fellow 'Catter. Many thanks.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Oct 99 - 12:22 PM

Well, he could employ the assistance of his fellow firefighters, dress himself up in a flowing gossamer gown, swathed in a large feather boa, have them drive him around the streets of California, while he stands atop, ala Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, belting out "show tunes". If he threw candy out to the kiddies, their parents might pay him to stop; oh, well they'd probably pay him to stop even without the candy! Of course, this would work even better, if he was in a tutu, dancing Swan Lake, atop the fire engine!

El Swanno.....we DO love you!

katlaughing

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 08:51 AM

I dunno Kat........sounds too mobile. Maybe the Swan Lake thing has potential though. Maybe if he had a fire truck mockup on stage, just the roof part...and a big fan blowing across the stage...............hmmmmm...

Spaw

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: paddymac
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 12:40 PM

Ah Dear Kat, what a visionary ye are. Maybe "The Swan" could develop a bit of an audience participation thing by recruiting likely young lads or lasses, according to whatever his preference of the moment might be, to mount the firetruck and apply his make-up. Maybe the tutu thing could be part of a body suit that could be blown away at a climactic moment to reveal the full monty, complete with biker jacket and fishnet hose.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: dwo
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 04:09 PM

As Dave's partner, I must object to these scurrilous tales. It's well known that lime jello does not match Dave's complexion and he would *never* wear it in public. He has always used Guinness jello. I can't imagine how these rumours get started.

Riding an emergency vehicle in feather boa and tutu, on the other hand, is a proposal of merit. But why waste time belting out showtunes when he could campaign for governor instead?

Doug

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From:
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 04:30 PM

Cap'n Swan might was to reconsider the hosiery choice. My pappy was the one who told me to avoid fishnets at all costs - the little buggers wreak havoc with the soles of your feet. However, mink stilettos, a Gaultier bustier and a Crystal Gayle wig....Oh, baby, NOW you're talkin'!!

-Nancy

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: paddymac
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 06:22 PM

"SWANNO FOR GOV" I can see it now, and coming soon to a theater near you! A Great Idea!

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 06:25 PM

Well, if he goes with my Swan Lake proposal, I wanna know who gets to paste the feathers on! And, fishnet might look kinda funny on a Swan, although it might help him catch supper, but I guess in the interest of preserving his sole we could opt out for some pink tight of the tightly knit cotton variety; keeps things aerated, ya know?

Now, as for showtunes and running for gov'ner, why, I like the way you think, Doug! El Swanno for Governor has a nice sound to it; and in the Swan costume, he'll be able to garner a lot of support form us greenies, enviros, militant ecologist types, as well as the vegetarian crew. If he acts outs the entire ballet, wihtthe hunter etal, well, hell, he could probably make a clean sweep of it, right wing, left wing and all in between!

Swanno! Swanno! He's the real thing!
Right Wing, Left Wing, & Everything in B'tween
Wants Swanno, Swanno! He's really got that schwing!
Ra, ra ra, El Swanno for Governor! Yea!

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Dave Swan
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 09:32 PM

'spaw,

Thanks buddy, I've really been at a loss. It's tough to follow the gorilla suit act and I'll probably continue to perform a slightly less spectacular version for friends and the odd private party. I know I'll miss the kickback from the folks at the Neil Young Center.

In an effort to re-define myself and appeal to another audience, I had thought about donning formal wear and reading aloud the works of E.B. Browning. But of course the denizens of the Mud have brought me to my senses.

The Queen of the Desert approach isn't quite in my line, but paddymac's suggestion that I mount a fire truck on stage bears investigation. I saw something like that once in Tiajuana......

Gov? Only if I can run on the Mel Brooks platform. Work, work, work, work, work, work, Howya doing boys?

Higher pay, longer breaks and more beer for musicians. Compulsory silence during performance.

I really appreciate everyone's help during this difficult transitional period. Life is on the tower in the gorilla suit. Everything else is just waiting. E.S.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 09:46 PM

YOU HAVE MY VOTE, EL, AND I DON'T EVEN LIVE THERE!

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 10:14 PM

I'm with ya, Dave. Our current governor is as colorless as his name. I see you with your hair parted down the middle and moussed up into a pair of Viking horns, kind of an upside down echo of your moustache. No evening gown, though--that's Mick's act (and those of you suggesting it got no respect for da PotatoMan)(and were he to come out in that kind of drag, the lovely but fiery PJ might think he was making a play for THE FAIR ONE [sorry, Alison, I don't do technicolor] and do a Bobbit on him).

If Dave runs for governor of California, he's maybe gonna have to go against Arnold Schwartznegger--think on that one: what kind of personna would give him the edge on the Terminator? Come on, guys, we need some help here.

--seed

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Mudjack
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 10:37 PM

Dave, Change your stage name to KAT'sPa and take it on the road. You can even get a bit more risque and shock their socks off and just holler back at them, Remember the greatest single act of defiance..The Kat's Pa flies through the air with the greatest of ease.RRri...pp.
Mudjack

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Dave Swan
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 11:16 PM

Now THAT'T dangerous. E.S.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Dave Swan
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 11:17 PM

THAT'S THAT'S THAT'S. I will not fail to proofreed, I will not fail to proofreed, I will not fail to proofreed. E.S.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 11:47 PM

Geeziz...What a concept. Ex-actor, performer, and public servant, enters California politics with an absurd platform and............Come to think of it, who was that other guy did the same thing?......Reagan or something? or Murphy? now that Swarthydicker guy?

Not too creative...its been done. And of course, as the Great El Swanno says, "Life is on the Tower in a gorilla suit." Of course Sen. Murphy once said that Mexicans were well suited to "stoop labor" since they were "built close to the ground."

I like living in Ohio where we elect normal idiots.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: paddymac
Date: 13 Oct 99 - 11:48 PM

If Arnold S wanted to run a truly competitive race, he'd have to get his own firetruck, fishnet stockings, tutu and boa. Wouldn't that be a sight. I can see it now, debates with flying boas, even Larry King speechless. Maybe we could get Jesse the Brain to sign on as an advisor, but first we'd have to decide which side we needed him to advise. Jeez, nothing's simple anymore.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Peter T.
Date: 14 Oct 99 - 10:00 AM

Dave, reading between the lines (or the mesh), one discerns that you are, as you so deftly put it, on the tower in a gorilla suit. Keep kicking. Just a note of support.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: Dave Swan
Date: 14 Oct 99 - 10:24 AM

Thanks Peter. E.S.

Subject: RE: Help: Dave Swan- Need New Act Suggestions
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Oct 99 - 11:01 AM

So, ES, does that mean Faye Wray is up there with you?*G*