BS: Dishonest talk about sex

Subject: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 02:02 PM

I am six foot three. Slim built with a prehensile cock and pert bottom.

Women have always found me irresitibly sexy. My skills in the art of lovemaking are legendary and athletic.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,999
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 02:06 PM

Well, tell it to stop eating the peanuts at the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 02:10 PM

Wow! My thread has an "evil twin!" I am honored!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 02:21 PM

I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman!

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 02:53 PM

But did you have peanuts?

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Crusty Bellend
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 03:10 PM

take yer pick:


a) I swear I had a vasectomy..


b) Honest, that's never happened before..


c) Of course it's normal, everyone does it all the time..


d) Infection ? no don't be silly, it's meant to be that colour and smell like that..


e) Wow, that was amazing..

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 04:51 PM

I have, like, had sex with over 800 girls and women, eh? At least that many. And that was in the last year too. Not only that. Most of them have swore off havin' sex with other men cos it was so great with me that there ain't no one else they want now.

No word of a lie!

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 05:25 PM

I didn't know there were prehensile chickens.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 06:11 PM

I think Shane omitted a key word in his post above. He meant to say, "I have, like, had sex with pictures of over 800 girls and women, eh?"

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:30 PM

I have had some prehensile tail that I got a really good hold on. One in particular, her name was Cindy... strawbarry blonde lass... she used to... ahhhh, sorrrry. I get carried away with my memories sometimes. If I offend, well, there it is. I know other lads will understand. Lassies too, perhaps.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:33 PM

Lassies...you were "intimate" with collies???

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:37 PM

Wanna buy a puppy?

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Ed T
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:45 PM

The ushabtis prehensile cock.

" I am your man servant.
I am here and will come wherever you bid me.
I will do it, verily.
I am here when thou callest".

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Bobert
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:53 PM

Hey, anyone can do a "menage a trois" (3)...

Back 'round '74 I pulled off a "menage a neuf" (9) and the 8 ladies seemed to have all gotten what they came (oops) for...

No brag, just fact....

Okay, it took all night to get 'um done but...

Oh, to be that age again... Please, God...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 09:57 PM

When I lived in Chicago, I was a member of a big camera club. They rented a suite in a downtown office building. One evening I went in the john just across the main hallway.

1st graffitti line: "I'm 21, and have 19 inches; phone...."
2nd graffitti line: "I'm 19, and have 21 inches; phone...."
3rd line: "Fort Dearborn Chicago Camera club needs two tripods; apply in suite #...."

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Bill D
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 10:03 PM

It does say "dishonest talk', doesn't it?...hmmmmmmm

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 10:43 PM

Back to the old joke dept.



Its eating my popcorn!!

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 11:07 PM

I'd tell you about the time I was trapped in a women's dormitory for a week during a blizzard, back during my college days, but this is about dishonest talk. 227 young women...and me. I will say that it was satisfying for all concerned, including the house mother.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 11:12 PM

I know where you got that story Rap. It was a Jerry Lewis movie.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Ebbie
Date: 21 Jun 12 - 11:40 PM

"Wanna buy a puppy?" hahhahhaha

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 09:35 AM

You know how they say that oysters are good for the libido? Well, I can attest that it is false. I tested it. I ate a dozen one night, but only 9 of them worked. QED.

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 09:37 AM

Ah, me. WHO DO YOU THINK JERRY LEWIS GOT THE STORY FROM????

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 10:26 AM

I was borm blessed with five willies. My underpants fit like a glove.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: frogprince
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 11:25 AM

But Al, when you step up to a urinal, how do you even know where to begin?

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 12:14 PM

'Bout 30 years ago I was livin' out in Hanover County, Virginia on a nice farm... We had just about every kinda farm animal you can imagine except a rooster... I knew this ol' boy who raised 'um and went to see him about getting one of his... He pointed one out and said, "That one there is kinda frisky but I reckon he be okay fir ya'..." Sos I bought the thing, brought him home, let him out of the cage and then went into town...

Well, when I went to town Frisky went to town on everything with a pulse and screwed up all to death... Sho nuff did... Even screwed my milk cow to death, something that my Cousin Rufus was never able to accomplish...

So I pull into the farm and see all my animals lying all over the the place dead with their feet up in the air and in the middle of them was Frisky layin' there, too, not movin' at all... I walked out to him, looked down at him and said, "You dumb chicken... You done screwed yourself to death..."

Frisky opened one eye ever so slight and motioned upwards ever so slight with one toe and whispered, "Shessshh.... Buzards..."

And that, my friends, is a true story...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 12:23 PM

Dear Mudcat Forum.

I never believed these letter until it actually happened to me. I was working at a Spanish fly factory in a small Midwestern town when a busload of student nurses broke down on its way back from a tour of the Catspaw Erotica and Phallic Art Museum.

I was not confident that I would have the stamina. But here's where years of "no hands" push-ups while "reading the articles" in girly magazines would finally pay off....

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 12:53 PM

If'n all them Mudcat womenz was laid end to end. I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 02:26 PM

"Honestly,I only had one lover before you, and he only lasted ten seconds..."

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: MarkS
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 03:07 PM

Dishonest eh?

"Of course I will respect you in the morning."

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Ed T
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 03:15 PM

Honestly, officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 03:30 PM

Truly darling, I was only unfaithful to you twice. Once with your father, and once with the Inniskillen Dragoons!

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 22 Jun 12 - 11:57 PM

I never touched that human dame.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 02:20 PM

"I can't understand it...This has never happened before...!"

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 02:23 PM

Extra large condoms please.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 03:21 PM

I don't think they're meant to go on your head Jack!

(Sorry, couldn't resisit that)

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 04:09 PM

No thats what gloves are for.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: The Sandman
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 05:38 PM

I am a virgin,I am Billericay Dickie and I have a bleeding thickie.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 06:30 PM

"Of course we cannot fake THAT!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Jun 12 - 10:42 PM

A "thickie"?? Wha dat?

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 24 Jun 12 - 07:38 AM

I needed some new stage gear, My wife said , Go to Chums for the pants, and Cotton Traders for the shirt....they've got your sizes!

And I said, Well actually dear, I want to make statement this time. A bold statement. I saw Nerys Hughes in The Liverbirds on telly this morning - and its a look that I feel I could carry off - just like Nerys - chaste, but full of fun. A suede mini skirt - I wouldn't bother with tights....just spray tan - a glimpse of dazzling white panties, maybe a seethru gusset....just a nice girl, who happens to turn everyone on!

My wife said. Al...you know your gigs, its no use turning up looking just like the audience.....

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 24 Jun 12 - 10:22 AM

He lives in his own wee world you know.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 24 Jun 12 - 01:36 PM

Big Al wins!

Now how do I get these pictures out of my brain!!!!?????!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 11:49 AM

Its a song by English singer the late Ian Dury - Billericay Dickie - interesting enough from his album - New Boots and Panties.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 03:24 PM

There is a song about Bobert's story about the rooster.

"...ever since that rooster came into our yard..." etc.

It's in RUS.

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: GUEST,saulgoldie
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 03:29 PM

Here it is...in our own back yard.

Rooster Song


Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 03:29 PM

Jake Thackray wrote a humorous song about such a rooster. It was called "The Bantam Cock".

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 03:41 PM

Like Murphy and the Bricks, a joke made into a song.

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 06:18 PM

Having what may be termed a beer belly peoeel often say to me "If that stomach was on a woman you would say she was pregnant!"

To which I reply, "It was, and she is."

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Dishonest talk about sex
From: Bugsy
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 08:09 PM

"I don't need clever chat up lines to get women into bed, I just sit at the bar and lick my eyebrows"

Cheers

Bugsy