BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes

Subject: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: LadyJean
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:56 PM

The local post office only had 3 people on duty this morning. The one at the counter was new at her job. I had a 90 minute wait. It was improved by one nice guy, who told a bunch of awful jokes. I thought I'd share a few.

What do Elves learn in school?
The elphabet.

How do you tell a snow man from a snow woman?
Snowballs.

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.   The psychiatrist asked, "can I help you?" The frog said, "Yes, get that man off my butt."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:26 PM

Ivan and Natasha are walking down the street in Soviet Russia. As they are walking, it begins to rain. Ivan turns to Natasha and says, "Hey look Natasha, it's starting to snow." "No," Natasha says, "it's merely raining." The couple continues to walk, debating whether it's raining or snowing. Finally, they pass their factory, where they see Officer Rudolph, a member of the KGB. "Rudolph," Ivan calls out, "is it raining or snowing?" "Raining, comrade," Rudolph responds. "See, honey?" Natasha asks, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:47 PM

CND, I told a similar story with that same punchline at Sat. A.M. coffee group today. Great wits and all that. Am I at least half right?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 11:56 PM

I just put it here because it's probably the best corny joke I can think of. Which could either mean it's a decent corny joke or a really corny joke. I'll let you decide which one you want it to be.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:21 AM

Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, "Doc, no one will talk to me."

Doctor says, "Next."


Guy walks into a psychiatrist' office and says, Doc, my physician says I only have 6 months to live, what should I do?"

Doctor says, "Wanna sell your watch?"

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 03:32 AM

I don't give a shit who you are fatso, get them fucking reindeer off my roof !

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 05:00 AM

Watch it Dave, before you get [Saint] Nicked for breach of the Sanity Clause!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 06:51 AM

There aint...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 10:52 AM

Psychiatrist "So... how can I help you?"

Patient on couch mumbles something in a low voice: ......................

Psychiatrist:"What was that?"

Patient:" I said, I don't see why people don't like me! Open your ears, fathead!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
One's weasily recognised and the other's stoatally different.

Long one shortened:
Man comes home from an exhibition with an egg he's been given by Indians in the Amazonian Jungle - he had been informed that it belonged to the Rary Bird.
He puts in on display on his sideboard and one morning he comes down to find it had hatched into a somewhat ugly but rather large chick which eventually grown into a massive flightless bird
The bird follows him around wherever he goes, eats everything it is given and eventually fills the entire room with its enormous bulk, so the man's wife tells him it will have to go.
He managed to manhandle it onto the back of his truck and he drives off until eventually he comes to a river running through a deep ravine -
He backs the truck up to the edge of the ravine and gets out to let down the back flap in order to tip the bird into the river.
The bird looks at him with large, soulful eyes and says, "that's a long way to tip a Rary".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 11:37 AM

What's green and melts when the sun comes out?



Frosty the Snotman.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM

Hey, this was supposed to be a thread about 'bad jokes'...and that one was funny!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:18 PM

A man goes into a psychiatrist's and takes off his hat, revealing a plate of egg and chips. He say "I'm terribly worried about my brother"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:27 PM

What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's perverted rice!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:29 PM

..... and so, the turtle says, "Have you seen my new people-neck sweater?"
                   from Boy's Life about 65 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:00 PM

Man goes into the Dr's office with a carrot stuck in his ear and a string bean hanging out of his nose and says "Doc, I'm not feeling well". The Doctor replies, "To begin with, you're not eating right."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 07:33 PM

Anaesthetist in the Intensive Care Unit says to unconscious patient on a ventilator: "Terribly sorry Mr X, we need your plug for the ward Christmas tree lights".

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 09:04 PM

This is the worst one I've ever heard:

"A mental hospital in northern California's facilities were deemed to be obsolete, so it was closed down.

The inmates/patients were loaded into an airplane to be taken to a more up-to-date facility in the southern part of the state.

Halfway through the flight, engine trouble developed, the plane went down, and the pilot and co-pilot were killed."

End of story. Then the listener almost always asks, "What about the patients?"

"Oh, they were OK - they were bats!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:11 AM

Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 11:11 AM

Jim Carroll--You must be really old, or no bad joke ever dies. I heard the Rarry Bird story way back in the the 1950s.

Along those lines from the same period:
One of the deadliest of avians is the Foo Bird. You will die if you're hit by its droppings and wipe it off. Advice: If the Foo shits wear it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Louie Roy
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:44 PM

I saw a little boy going down the road with his teenie weenie wagon

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 12:48 PM

Oh, but everyone knows the old·uns are the best.
.,,.

"I say, old chap, did I really see you eating peas out of a ladle?"

"That was no ladle; that was my knife!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: cnd
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

While riding home from work, a Yuppie businessman suddenly realizes it's his wedding anniversary. He hightails it to a florist's shop, arriving five minutes before the store's closing. Unable to remember his wife's favorite type of flower, the harried exec allows the sales clerk to sell him a miniature palm tree. As he pulls into his driveway, he suddenly remembers the elusive kind of flowers – anemones – but, too late.
When he presents his wife the palm, he says "Happy Anniversary, honey. I'm sorry I didn't get you your favorite flowers." "No problem," responds the elated wife, "with fronds like this , who needs anemones!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Ian
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 02:37 PM

A man went into the doctors complaining he couldn't hear.

The doctor looked and he had jelly in one ear and custard in the other

The doctor said I'm afraid you're a trifle deaf!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Dec 15 - 04:51 PM

A cinema in Barcelona burned to the ground whilst screening a film to a packed audience. The police said most perished in the stampede to the only way out.

Don't put all your basques in one exit.

Anonymous posting is a blessing.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 08:23 AM

Bill D, here's another one from Boy's Life, probably from the 60s:

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I buy a new hat."
"Oh, so that's where you get them!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:00 AM

Young Donald bought an oil lamp at a NYC antique store. At home he was having fits that his dad had refused to lend him money and began furiously rubbing the lamp when a Genie appeared out of vapor and exclaimed "I'll be a son of a bitch !!"
" I will grant you one wish so make it a good one. "
Donald said, my BIG mouth has always gotten me in so much trouble so from now on no matter what I say I want to be wildly successful with all women, with all business and anything else I desire.

"IT IS DONE!
and now a warning, if you ever apologize it will all be undone."

Forty years later old Trump finds himself at the Presidential Debate screaming at Hillary to apologize.

Hillary says something but it seems her mike is off.
Donald screams "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Hillary appears to say something again.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU" yells Donald.
Hillary looks right at Donald and says something.
" I'M SORRY I CAN"T... Donald's head instantly vaporizes leaving only some perfectly styled hair on his neck.
Hillary's mike goes back on picking up her remark
'I'll be a son of a bitch."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 09:34 AM

GUEST 04:51 – You're right. Anonymous posting is a blessing. Your joke would only work if Barcelona was in the Basque Country. Which it isn't.

If you're planning on re-telling it a lot, to make yourself the life and soul of the Christmas season, try substituting Bilbao.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 10:29 AM

So... a panhandler stops a guy on the street and says: "Pardon me, sir, I'm homeless. Could you spare $5,000 to help me out?"

"What? $5,000? Are you crazy?"

"I'm just putting all my begs in one ask it."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Bob Hitchcock at work
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 12:40 PM

A lady goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need some contradictive pills".

The doctor sys "Madam I think your ignorant".

Lady says "yes I am, three months"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:08 PM

Woman goes to a furniture store and asks for a sexual sofa.
The sales person corrects her--you mean a sectional sofa.
Sexual, sectional, whatever. I just want an occasional peace.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:09 PM

peace should be piece. too many holiday greeting messing with my spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Leadfingers
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:15 PM

Guy arrives at a Christmas Theme party naked except for a pair of lace trimmed French knikers - When asked how they fit thr thrme , he says "they're Carols"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:42 PM

Guy arrives at a fancy dress party with a beautiful, naked young woman riding piggyback.

"What have you come as?" asked the host.

"A tortoise!" exclaimed the man.

"Well what's that naked woman on your back?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:38 AM

Dammit kids!!...How many times have I told you NOT TO DO That..or you'll GO BLIND!!!?????!!!!











































                                              hey Dad. we're over here

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 04:59 AM

A bloke goes to a party wearing a foil tart case as a codpiece.

What have you come as? Said the host.

An emotion, he replied.

I'm fucking dis custard.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Hamish
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 10:43 AM

Would you remarry if I were to die?
I guess so.
Oh. Would you live in this house?
Probably.
Would you sleep in this bed?
Why not?
Would you play golf with your new wife?
I expect so.
Would she use my clubs?
No. She's left-handed.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

The Catalan thank you for the correction, Bainbo!

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:24 AM

2 girls go to a photographer for a portrait.

The photographer bends down and covers his head with a black cloth... (yes, *I* remember that.)

1st girl to friend: "What's he doing there?"

2nd girl: "He's gonna focus."

1st girl: "What!? Both of us?"

-----------------------------

My father told us kids that over 60 years ago. My mother yelled at him for it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM

I don't care what star you are following ! Get those camels out of my garden!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Newport Boy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 12:17 PM

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother: "Mum, the boys at school keep asking me to do handstands against the wall."

Mum: "That's just because they want see your knickers."

Little girl (scornfully): "I know that. That's why I keep my knickers in my schoolbag."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 01:19 PM

A teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next domestic science class.
Little Mary brings in a roll of bandage and some Germoline
"Very good Mary" says the teacher.
Tommy brings in some Iodine and a roll of cotton wool.
"Excellent Tommy".
Twenty minutes late, the tearaway of the class comes in trundling an iron lung - the teacher is flabbergasted.
"Where on arth did you get that Johnny"
"It's me dad's"
"Didn't he say anything when you took it?"
"yeah - aaaghhhhhhhh!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:41 PM

A little girl at school unfortunately keeps losing control and wets herself in class. The teacher tries to be very supportive but the problem continues. She says to the girl" whenever you want to go just put your hand up."
A few days pass and the teacher is walking amost the classroom when she notices a small puddle under the little girls chair.
I thought I said just put your hand up she says sympatheticaly.
"I did" replies the girl... "But it trickled through my fingers."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 07:07 PM

Unfunny in the extreme.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:30 PM

Horribly spoilt brat refused to eat his dinner and just sat and sulked at the table.
His mother patiently attempted to mollify him - "look - tell me what you want to eat - anything - and I'll get it for you.
He sat and thought, and finally said "some worms".
"You mean spaghetti?"
"No", he pouted, "some real worms from the garden".
She remonstrated, and finally went out into the garden, gingerly picked out a few worms, washed them, chopped them up, put them in a bowl and placed them before him.
"Want some custard on them", he snarled.
Another argument, and finally she got some custard and poured it on the worms and placed it in front of him again.
He stared at her defiantly; "you try them first".
Determined not to give in this time, she refused, until at last she saw he wasn't going to eat anything until she did, so she closed her eyes and put a spoonful in her mouth.
He immediately flew into a tantrum and began to kick her under the table.
"What's the matter now?" she said, at the end of her tether.
"You've just eaten the bit I wanted".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:35 PM

Then there's the Welsh one - works fine in a lilting Welsh accent.
"What's this I've 'eard Mrs Jones, 'ave you been goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband's got a wart on the end of 'is Willie?"
"Oooooo! - I never said no such thing Mrs Evans - I only said it felt like it 'ad".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:37 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 09:57 PM

The leader of a far country, called the Shan, was epileptic, and had a minder who was supposed to keep him from injuring himself. One day the minder had to go to the bathroom and the Shan had a seizure and fell off the balcony. The minder was asked in fury, Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 03:26 AM

Jim's has put me in mind of the dialogue, always for some reason in a Welsh accent:

"Have you heard about Megan?"

"No. What about her then?"

"Going to get married, she is."

"Pregnant, is it?"

"No."

"Oh, there is posh!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:00 AM

Two Welsh ladies conversing through the wall of their back-to-back lavatories at the bottom of their respective yards .
"Nnngg (straining) Is that you, Mrs Thomas?".
"Nnngg....! (also straining) It is Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! Ow are you all doin'?"
"Nnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh".
"Nnnggggg....! O'w's your 'ubby, still workin'?
"Nnnnnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh"; we're all fine Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! And your son Dai; 'aven't seen 'im for a long time"
"Nnnngggg....! 'e's fine as well; 'e's livin in Cardiff".
"Nnnnngggg....! Ooo – there's strange for you; what's 'e doin' there?"
"Nnnngggg.....! E's got a jb in the theatre; 'e's playin' 'amlet".
"Nnnnnnnnnnnuuuugggggggggggg!!! Oooo, that's a 'ard part.
Jim Carroll