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Bummed out and singing anyway (songs)
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Subject: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Jun 00 - 06:32 PM Well, I just didn't get custody of my kids, and I am really not happy at all at all. So I find myself singing that Joni Mitchell song about CAREY get out your cane, rather ad nauseam. I've searched the Forum for good songs of depression and not really come up with anything. I have however seen several Cheer Up threads, so feel free to creep this one into something like that, but the real question is, what do you sing, at the top of your lungs and through your tears, when really, deeply unhappy? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mbo Date: 13 Jun 00 - 06:44 PM I sing "In Time" by Denny Laine. --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: bbelle Date: 13 Jun 00 - 06:54 PM I sing anything and everything. moonchild |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 13 Jun 00 - 06:57 PM Nothing cheerful, songs that try to be cheerful never lift you when you are down.<{> The Blues. If you ever sing the blues, that's what they are really for.
GOING DOWN THIS ROAD FEELING BAD
To be a pilgrim.
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: TerriM Date: 13 Jun 00 - 07:11 PM Oh, I'm so sorry...how awful for you! When I'm sad I tend to sing songs like Sandy Denny's " Dark the Night" and "Solo"; I've found from experience I can sing them through tears.If we can help, please let us know! love Terri |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Clinton Hammond2 Date: 13 Jun 00 - 07:14 PM My good buddy, Len Wallace does a song called "F^ck Off And Die" that really gets me 'over the hump'... But seems to me yer looking for good "wallowing" music... Old Ferron... Hope ya get over it... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Matt Woodbury/Mimosa Date: 13 Jun 00 - 07:35 PM I go with angry songs to keep from crying. Last time I had to use this was in a voice lesson, so I chose "Cruda, funesta smania" from Lucia. I'm sure that's practically no use at all to anyone else, but it seems like this should be a good time to learn all the words to "FOLLOW ME UP TO CARLOW" When I'm ready to lose it, almost anything sentimental will do, the closer it relates to the specific situation, the faster it'll get me wallowing. Mimosa |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: katlaughing Date: 13 Jun 00 - 08:03 PM Any Hank Williams, anything hard rock, esp. with a good drumbeat...deating on a drum is usually helpful Oh, Mrrzy, I am so sorry to hear that...please do let us know if there is anything we can do to help....kat |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: kendall Date: 13 Jun 00 - 08:07 PM MY SON CALLS ANOTHER MAN DADDY..Hank Williams |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Jun 00 - 08:36 PM Clinton, wallowing is exactly where I'm at, shall I say. Kat/TerriM and all, I don't know what would help other than your well-wishes and messages of sympathy, which do help. Also permission to vent, herewith granted by me, anyone doesn't want to read about it skip this posting. The worst thing is that I have kind of lost my "support group" in this whole mess; most of my local, "face" friends are my X2B's relatives, who were very very supportive when I first fled with the twins in March '98 but who, understandably, have been less so since things went to court and got nasty. Also, I am beginning to think work is sick of hearing about it or at least am trying to prevent this from interfering with work since we are going through another merger and nobody knows whose department is next for the axe. So, everyone has enough to worry about, including me, as my job is also being "restructured" (which may or may not mean eliminated). As the British say, I may be found "redundant" (so I don't want to spout off there too much, quoi). *sigh* Oh well, nowhere to go but up. Back to music: >WALTZING MATILDA, Green Fields of France, THE LETTER EDGED IN BLACK, all make me cry, which is what I need right now. Anything on lost children? I'll see how deeply I can wallow, then I'll cheer up. I do want to say that I am not suicidal or anything, don't worry about that. I'm just really really really sad and fearful about my boys. Thank you all for listening. I appreciate it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: bflat Date: 13 Jun 00 - 08:55 PM Mrrzy, You are hurting and that is huge. I say go ahead and cry and don't hold it in; tears are a release for your sorrow. When you hurt only time makes it better. For me, if I look around for someone, a friend, who is worst off and needs help and I throw myself into being helpful and in doing so I emerge better. Take the emphasis off of your own situation and it helps with the healing. God bless your efforts and keep in touch with your kids. They will know they are loved by two people who just don't happen to be in love any longer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Jun 00 - 09:49 PM Tomorrow, I'll help someone. Today, I'll wallow... excellent advice, bflat! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: bflat Date: 13 Jun 00 - 09:54 PM You do that. Thanks. Let us know how you are doing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Ebbie Date: 13 Jun 00 - 10:25 PM Singing Stephen Foster's HARD TIMES COME AGAIN NO MORE loudly and with great feeling sometimes does it for me. I'm so sorry for your pain. For now, pamper yourself in every way you can, and remember the love you have for those children will always reach them and is never, never wasted. Ebbie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Sorcha Date: 13 Jun 00 - 10:27 PM And vent here, this is just the place for it. We won't get sick of you, dear heart. Hang in there. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,flattop Date: 13 Jun 00 - 10:36 PM If I was feeling sorry for myself down there in Virginia, Mrrzy, I'd probably head over to Patsy Cline's grave in Winchester and talk to her for a while. Maybe I'd talk to her on a moonlight night or when the sun's coming up or on sunny Winchester afternoon. Patsy knew the saddest songs and she sang them so goddam well. (Did you know that Winchester changed sides about 100 times in the Civil War? Must have been wagon loads of sorrow. Knowing makes those Lee Jackson burger taste better.) From the tales you tell, Mrrzy, I still think you have a sad lyric or two to write yourself. Your thread title would almost make a good hook for a song - just a little editing, like 'Bummed out but still singing.' You could probably write a Hank-cry-your-heart-out-over-this lyric. Hank never had a patent on misery. We all get there at times. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: SINSULL Date: 13 Jun 00 - 10:38 PM Mrrzy, Be kind to yourself and if that means wallowing, WALLOW bigtime. Don't let the anger turn to guilt. Be sad, angry, disappointed, anything you feel, be. And then move on. Crying and throwing things can be therapeutic. You are not redundant on your job or as a father. Love your children. Let them love you and your ex. Try not to let the anger touch them - they will blame themselves when no one is really to blame. There is always another job. If you have to, you will find one. Meantime, try not to worry about what might happen. You have enough to deal with already. In a way you have been given a gift. Now is when you will know who your true friends are and maybe even more important how to be a true friend yourself. It will get better. SS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: JamesJim Date: 14 Jun 00 - 12:21 AM Mrrzy, I know what you are going through is very painful, but it does get better in time. You may not have custody of your boys, but I don't know of any court that would keep you away from them. That means you would have visitation rights. I have been through exactly what you are going through. That was so long ago, the pain has vanished. Almost 28 years. My oldest (daughter) is 38 and my youngest (son) is 36. I had them every Tuesday evening, then took them to school on Wednesday. I had them on Friday or Saturday night and all of the next day. Of course, they spent vacation time with me as well. They were 11 and 9 when my world fell apart. They turned out great and I am very proud of them. My daughter is a producer for Showtime (in California) and my son is in Real Estate in Louisville. You know what kind of pain you are going through -- well, just double or triple that for them (depending on their age). They love you and need you. They will always love you and cherish their time with you. In time they will make their own decisions and be influenced by no one. It's important that you make their lives just as normal as possible. For one, don't give up with discipline when they visit you. I made that mistake. Discipline merely tells them that you really care about them and want to help shape their lives. Music? I found it hard to concentrate on that when I was going through this stuff. However, I wouldn't sing anything that would take me any lower than I was already. I'd recommend the same for you. You are a good person. Don't forget that. Go on with your life. Find someone else to share it with. I just celebrated 25 great years with my wife. She went through a tough divorce as well. I was an insurance broker and found her in one of my accounts. Treat yourself well. You are special and need to feel that way. If you seek out the company of others, that will help. Your kids need to see a happy parent. It will be tough at first, but don't sit around and mope. That will solve nothing -- I'll bet your X is going on with her/his life. Best wishes and God Bless. Jim |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: winniemih Date: 14 Jun 00 - 01:15 AM Mrzzy, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Separation from our children comes soon enough as they grow and go off in their own direction, but it is tragic when the separation comes as early as yours has. I haven't experienced anything close to what you must be going through, but as a recent member of the empty nest club I find singing "CALLING MY CHILDREN HOME" allows me to express my feelings of loss. I learned this one from the Emmylou Harris Spyboy CD, written by Lawson/Waller/yates. I hope this helps. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Jun 00 - 02:21 AM Thanks, all. A great response, heartwarming, just what I need. I almost said needed, but that's premature... I do feel a lot better reading this thread, you are a great community. Will tell more later... |
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Subject: Lyr Add: I CRIED (Ruth Pelham) From: Barbara Date: 14 Jun 00 - 03:10 AM A song about the whole situation that always makes me both laugh and cry is Ruth Pelham's "I Cried".
Today was real tough, I got out of bed,
I said, "I won't wear those shoes and I won't wear those socks,
Breakfast was a real scene. I would not eat my eggs,
School was no better. My best friend was sick.
Came home after school. Fresh muffins on the plate.
My dad said, "What is wrong?" and this is what I said:
"Your mom and I are good friends, no longer husband and wife,
Today was real tough. I got ready for bed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Escamillo Date: 14 Jun 00 - 03:56 AM We have in common something great in this community: we sing (or play) when we're happy, and when we're sad, and sing and play when we are desperate and when we´re in love. And will sing when going to war and to our own funeral. And there will always be somebody listening and sharing our feelings, and some of them could be our own children. Best wishes, Mrrzy. Un abrazo - Andrés |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 14 Jun 00 - 04:14 AM "Trouble in Mind" and insert suitable name in brackets: Gonna grab me a picket from somebody's fence Gonna whip [ ] until s/he learns some sense RtS :o( |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Kim C Date: 14 Jun 00 - 09:49 AM Mrzzy ----- I can't relate entirely because I don't have any children. And I have wallowed before but thankfully it's been a good while. I find letting loose with a good yodel is helpful - probably because the breathing actually feels good. I also find that writing songs is very cathartic. I guess the last time I wallowed, I had been robbed of my entire paycheck and two credit cards (by subterfuge and not at gunpoint) and I sat down with my bead box and made a really splendid necklace. I never wore it, and later on, I took it apart and used the beads for something else. It wasn't the necklace itself, but the making of it that I really needed. I wish you all the best. ----------------KFC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr-at-work Date: 14 Jun 00 - 10:13 AM and coping... Barbara, GREAT song. Is it to the tune of anything I might know, as I can't read music? And KFC, I think I will sculpt later, good idea. Anyway, I do feel a lot better (thanks to you all mostly, but it's also morning, I've had coffee and all) so we can go back to What do you sing when you feel awful? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: SINSULL Date: 14 Jun 00 - 12:27 PM "I Could Have Danced All Night" It makes me smile and waltz and sends my cats scurrying in terror that I am going to waltz with them. A previous unfortunate incident which also makes me smile. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST Date: 14 Jun 00 - 12:57 PM Yep...Hank on the rocks with your favorite Kentucky Straight bourbon whiskey chaser. That ought to do it. |
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Subject: Lyr Add: I FEEL LIKE HANK WILLIAMS TONIGHT (Walker From: GUEST,bobbybuzz Date: 14 Jun 00 - 01:05 PM Here's a tune that speaks for me every dark hour: Jerry Jeff Walker's "I FEEL LIKE HANK WILLIAMS TONIGHT."
I could live my whole life without a phone call
Well, I didn't cry; it was all cut and dry.
CHORUS: And I play classical music when it rains.
There was no explanation, not even a reason,
CHORUS: Hey, I play jazz when I am confused.
Lately, I been thinkin', I just might quit drinkin',
CHORUS: 'Cause when I'm real high, I play rock 'n' roll. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,bobbybuzz Date: 14 Jun 00 - 01:09 PM oops! well, you get the gist of it, i hope! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Willie-O Date: 14 Jun 00 - 01:16 PM "Box of Rain" by the Grateful Dead (American Beauty). Can't begin to know how you feel, when i think about my kids going with one parent or the other...my imagination stops cold. I literally cannot visualize this. Sculpt, definitely. Do stuff that you can do. It is still worth doing. Best, |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: kendall Date: 14 Jun 00 - 02:27 PM keep saying over and over: WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 14 Jun 00 - 03:13 PM Box of Rain! Yes, I'd forgotten that one! Whale oil, indeed, and it ain't OIL who arthur beef hooked. Just who dun bean, I guess... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: paddymac Date: 14 Jun 00 - 03:19 PM As already noted, time is the only real cure, but in the meantime, love the kids and focus on helping them get through their own bad time. You and they will be the better for it. I've never heard of anyone who felt they got a fair deal in a divorce proceeding. Most everybody who has ever been through it, especially where kids are involved, feels they got screwed. Sometimes that is truly the case, but mostly it's a case of reality falling short of unrealistic expectations. Remember that the kids won't want to come to you if all they ever get is whinning and moaning and crying. Put on you brightest and best and your happiest face and have fun with the kids. Don't try to buy their affection, but don't be stingy in giving yours. You'll find out soon enough that the little buggers can be devilishly efficient and expoiting differences between mom & dad. Don't let them get by with it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 14 Jun 00 - 03:26 PM Almost didn't think of my favorite Latin phrase, and this is when to say it! "Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit", or something. Means "perhaps this too will be a pleasure to look back on someday." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Barbara Date: 15 Jun 00 - 11:08 AM Mrr, I'll see if I can find time to write out the tune and post it on Alan's page later today. (then you'll be able to click on it and play). Alternatively I can send you MIDI file of it, as an email attachment. It has its own tune and I can't think of anything else it sounds like. Ruth Pelham has CDs out, and I think other people have recorded this, but I learned it in the folk community. Dunno who's recorded it. Blessings, Barbara |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 15 Jun 00 - 12:16 PM Thanks, Barbara, my personal email is on bbc if you want to try to send it to me. I have printed it out and reread it whenever I start feeling the dagger in my heart (I know that sounds cornier than a Reuben but that IS what it feels like, sorry, and I have been having evisceration nightmares too) and it helps, it makes me cry a little and then I go back to whatever I was doing. Just what I wanted, love this place. Mudcatters, you are the best. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: SINSULL Date: 15 Jun 00 - 12:45 PM REMINDER: Be kind to yourself and if you need to wallow, wallow bigtime. That dagger in your heart is real. I remember being numb with grief and looking at a kitchen knife wondering if I cut myself would I feel the pain and would that pain give me a moment's relief from the pain in my heart. Corny? Hackneyed? Sarah Bernhardt dramatic? YES but very real for me at that time. And no I didn't do it. Time will make it better. I promise. SS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Barbara Date: 15 Jun 00 - 06:14 PM I posted this to Alison to put up at Alan's tune page, and here is the other program: Blessings, Barbara
MIDI file: Icried.mid Timebase: 240 TimeSig: 4/4 24 8 This program is worth the effort of learning it. To download the March 10 MIDItext 98 software and get instructions on how to use it click here ABC format: X:1
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 15 Jun 00 - 06:46 PM Got the emailed one too, thanks! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Judy Predmore Date: 16 Jun 00 - 03:31 AM Mrrzy, You mentioned Joni Mitchell's CAREY Get Out Your Cane. Joni Mitchell has a song for every mood. Of course at least half her repertoire is for wallowing in sadness, depression, confusion, loss, loneliness, longing, etc. And I imagine you find that her upbeat songs, like Carey, are still good for down moods, either to go down further or to feel up temporarily. Her songs have such feeling, they help you cope with just about any feeling, by helping you really feel them, not just wallowing, but feeling fully alive. About 10 years ago, I used to pick my boyfriend up from work, & whenever he'd see Joni Mitchell or Reba McEntire tapes strewn through the car, he'd automatically ask me what's bothering me... A lot of country music is great for both wallowing & forgetting sadness... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Chicky Date: 16 Jun 00 - 03:45 AM Oh Mrrzy, I know what you mean. Yesterday my 4mth old baby was diagnosed with an infantile form or epilepsy (with a potentially disastrous prognosis), and I found myself holding him in the Emergency department of hospital rocking him through a set of seizures, and only when the nurse gave me a funny look did I realise I was singing. And the song was John Dowland's Lachrimae (otherwise known as Flow My Tears - how appropriate).
Hang in there. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 16 Jun 00 - 04:42 AM Hi Mrrr Remember me ;) Just read the thread... Sorry to hear about your troubles. But well, here is what I do to wallow if it helps any. I drive out to my most favourite spot in the country, park up, take my whistle (the lightest thing I have instrument-wise) and walk down to my spot. Which happens to be an old ancient church in the middle of nowhere, across fields and not a road in sight. It has a lovely walled cemetery and is so peaceful and quiet it is unbelievable. I sit on the steps of the now not used much church (it is only a little one - with a little bell on the outside, a wooden porch, and yew trees all around) and I sing to myself... A STOR MO CHROI, or a hundred other mournful ballads, play a few airs etc. If I can't that, then it is on with the Cowboy Junkies, and relax and think a bit. Most of all, make sure you see the boys as and when you can. Make sure you let them know how much you love them and don't be afraid to talk to them about things. My nieces have been going thru a similar thing, and for two young girls, they are incredibly perceptive, and they know more than you think they do. They miss their father a lot, who unfortunately is not very supportive and doesn't go to see them any more than two times a year. All the best Ella The church thing may sound a bit gloomy, but it isn't the views are terrific, and inspiring and it is such a warm place. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 16 Jun 00 - 10:34 AM Actually, Ella, it sounds marvelous. I love hanging out in graveyards, they are so peaceful and tend to be beautiful too...And Chicky, my younger twin has neurological "issues" and has been seen in an epilepsy clinic (he used to kind of "check out" sometimes and shake, he doesn't anymore) and the clinic had these cool cartoon books of Seizure Man, a superhero who helps epileptics and helps people understand epilepsy. You might want to see if there are any such books to read to your poor baby, whom I hope can find a medication that works! Very few things are more dismal than ERs when it's your child who is the emergency. I couldn't sing then, my throat was too closed, but I sang later... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Praise, minus cookie Date: 16 Jun 00 - 11:18 AM Well, one day I was having a really miserable time, and I opened my mouth to sing, and the most amazing song came out instead of the unhappy one I had thought I would sing. It was a praise piece we do at church, "In Moments Like This." The tone of the song is one I always associated with happiness, and praising God from that mood. But this was like music therapy--- and there are a few more I know that work that way too. Instant lift, when I least think a lift is possible. (In fact, I copy-edited a whole book on praise, and it is amazing how powerful praise is to counter any negativity, and the book shows how and why.) Well, I don't have the songbook here at work, but the song I referenced goes something like this, and you can adapt it with any names....:
In moments like this, I lift up my voice, I lift up a lovesong to [Jesus], Then there is In His Time.... or Beauty for Ashes, even better:
He gave me Beauty for Ashes, And of course I will pray for you and your family. Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to discuss further... some things really just suck, don't they? ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 16 Jun 00 - 12:59 PM Don't they just. I like the one with the godwords in brackets, so I could sing to whatever I chose (I am not a Christian); I'd probably sing it to the twins. And I want to thank you all again for your well-wishes, I have even gotten some personal mail on this, which I truly appreciate (even though one was from someone whose name I didn't recognize and I got a little paranoid, sorry). I wish I could say it's getting better, but all I can say right now is that I do know from experience that it WILL get better. It took years after Daddy was killed, but I don't have the luxury of years with this one, so feel free to keep the good thoughts, prayers, whatever, coming. I might be incommunicado for the weekend, going to see Mom (poor thing, she always manages to say exactly the wrong thing, but I don't want to deprive her of her chance to try to comfort), but I won't stay gone. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Sorcha Date: 16 Jun 00 - 07:11 PM Well, that is Moms for ya, we all have one, or had, at least. I am sure she is hurting too, as she won't be able to see her grandkids as much. Just try and remember, Mrzz, that at one point, you loved each other enough to marry, and that was important, too. No real advice here, I am sure you have heard it all and are sick of it. Just keep being both Daddy and The Father. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr-chez-Mom Date: 17 Jun 00 - 12:25 AM I have heard a lot of it but more is always welcome (see, I couldn't stay away!)... Also, I talked to a "professional" today and that helped a lot. One thing they pointed out to me is that the reason I keep having this pain in my chest is that I'm forgetting to breathe, apparently a common symptom of emotional distress. If I take a deep breath as soon as the pain starts it does stop so they were right, and that already leaves me feeling less anguished as I don't have that squeezing feeling in my chest. I had gotten into some kind of negative feedback loop, where I felt bad so I didn't breathe so I hurt so I felt worse... (The Chinese medical theories hold that depression/sadness goes to the lungs, makes sense to me). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: wysiwyg Date: 17 Jun 00 - 01:21 AM also see www.rc.org I have details if helpful. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 17 Jun 00 - 09:38 PM Praise, good site. Look guys, I got a cookie at Mom's! Without committing any mudcat crimes, I hope? Joe? I went into Membership and "reset" my cookie and now it has me as Mrrzy from here, is this OK? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,flattop Date: 17 Jun 00 - 10:29 PM I wonder if Hankies were named after old Hank, today I saw you on the street and my heart fell at my feet, Williams. He certainly made them more popular. Better check ye old etymology. I think fizz came from the old english word for fart. Now, don't choke on your coke and snort it out your nose when you think of it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Midchuck Date: 18 Jun 00 - 09:16 AM "You wrote that song, 'Your Cheatin' Heart' About my first ex-wife. You moaned the blues, for me and for you. Hank Williams, you wrote my life..." Can't remember who wrote that. Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: p.j. Date: 18 Jun 00 - 08:24 PM Dear Mrrzy, A little less than 10 years ago, I lost my twin boys (Daniel and Jesse) a few days after birth. I thought my life was over. I wanted it to be over. In a way, it was. Long after I was able to get up in the morning, I couldn't think of any good reason to. I was a walking zombie for a very long time. One day, while going thru the motions of driving to the grocery store, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones, came on my crappy little car radio. I hadn't felt anything for weeks, and for some reason the absurdity of this trite little sentiment grabbed me and made me laugh. I cranked the music up until the speakers buzzed, put the windows down in the car, and took a left turn across a field. I parked my car by a river and got out and walked and walked. It wasn't the first time I cried, but it was the first time I was ANGRY while I cried. It was important. The song still makes me smile when I hear it, because now, all these years later, I remember beginning to feel things again. I can look back on everything that's happened since then, and the wonderful life I have now (which I could never have imagined then) and know that I've got it in me to survive. An important part for me was finally getting really angry at the hand I'd been dealt, and going on anyway. I'd highly recommend it as a song to sing through tears-- at the top of your lungs. One more thing-- not long after I lost my kids, a grief counsellor told me "When you lose your parents you lose your history, but when you lose your kids you lose your future." It was a powerful quote for me, because that was at the heart of so much of the pain. I lost the future I had seen myself living in, so where was I supposed to live now? Mrrzy, it's fair to get angry because you've lost the future you saw yourself living in. Deal with that anger however you have to, but keep moving forward. You have to create a new future now, and many of us can attest to that fact that there IS life after grief, and it can be unexpectedly wonderful. Don't forget, too, that you may have lost the vision you had of your future, but you haven't lost your kids, just their custody. That's sucks, but they still exist in the world, and you still have a future with them. When you can, start figuring out what you want that future to look like, now that you've got new circumstances. If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Peace PJ
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Jun 00 - 09:22 PM You know, PJ, many people have been telling me that it's OK to be angry, but nobody has put it as beautifully as you. However, I haven't gotten to the Anger phase yet. Denial ended when the gavel banged. My "professional" (Can I just say Shrink and not upset anyone?) says that the pain in my chest is rage, but it sure feels like sorrow and pain to me. I am not, I don't think, ready for it to feel like rage. But I know that progress will be made when it does... so... Any good rage songs out there? All I can think of is I Will Survive, which is only really rage at his daring to think he could come back, not at his leaving. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mbo Date: 18 Jun 00 - 09:33 PM There is one I sing, it's probably the most rage filled song ever, but it's very nasty. If folks aren't offended easily, I won't post it.
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: SINSULL Date: 19 Jun 00 - 11:31 AM Mrrzy, I spent 4 years with a psychiatrist and a therapist. Half the time I hated them; sometimes I tolerated them; sometimes I loved them. Some members of my family still haven't forgiven me for "resorting" to therapy. But I am happy and have a life today. I recommend therapy to everyone as long as you can recognize when you are ready to move on without it. Strange but true, that is very difficult for some professionals (not mine) and it seems to be more about control than money. Re: Anger. I grew up in a home where I was forbidden to show anger. I had no tools for dealing with it. Once I found a way to feel it and stop fearing it, I was on my way to recovery. My first act of anger? I bounced a check to my therapist! It was the first check I had ever bounced in my life. Just keep taking care of yourself. You have taken the first few steps on the road back. SS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 19 Jun 00 - 11:32 AM Mbo, send it to me by personal message if you don't think posting it here appropriate, but I think it would be better posted. You can start it with THIS SONG MAY UPSET YOU - SKIP TO NEXT POST IF SENSITIVE or other caveat... Actually, I just reread your post. If they AREN'T offended, you WON'T post? That doesn't sound like you... |
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Subject: Lyr Add: DEATH ON TWO LEGS (Queen) From: Mbo Date: 19 Jun 00 - 11:50 AM Ok, ok, I made a mistake there! WARNING!!!! The following lyrics may be offensive to some readers! Please skip the post if you are easily offended!!!Death On 2 Legs You suck my blood like a leech You break the law and you preach Screw my brain till it hurts You've taken all my money And you want more Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules With your narrow minded cronies Who are fools of the first division Death on two legs You're tearing me apart Death on two legs You've never had a heart of your own Kill joy, bad guy, big talking small fry You're just an old barrow boy Have you found a new toy to replace me? Can you face me? But now you can kiss my ass goodbye Feel good, are you satisfied? Do you feel like suicide? (I think you should) Is your conscience all right Does it plague you at night? Do you feel good feel good? You talk like a big business tycoon You're just a hot air balloon So no one gives you a damn You're just an overgrown schoolboy Let me tan your hide A dog with disease You're the king of the 'sleaze' Put your money where your mouth is Mister know-all Was the fin on your back Part of the deal? (Shark!) Death on two legs You're tearing me apart Death on two legs You've never had a heart (you never did) of your own (Right from the start) Insane you should be put inside You're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride Should be made unemployed Then make yourself null and void Make me feel good, I feel good! There you have it. Scream it if possible. --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 19 Jun 00 - 02:22 PM Mbo - PERFECT! I should have known I could count on you! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: wysiwyg Date: 21 Jun 00 - 12:07 PM How about: http://therapy.lost.net.au/femmes/ ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 21 Jun 00 - 01:13 PM Pretty à propos... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Bob Pacquin Date: 21 Jun 00 - 03:19 PM Mrrzy, I, Coomunist Bob, have been through the divorce, the child custody hearings and a lot of other stuff that went along with it. It hurts like hell, but it you should let it out, cry, scream, pull at your hair, whatever you need, because you can't get over it until you do. I recommend having periodic sessions with Tammy Wynnette--you know which song is the best, I am sure, but the all of her stuff is good for dealing with this. On paticularly bad days, I just listen to the same songs over and over again in a darkened room. Remember, this pain is a pain of transition, a pain involved with letting go. You will get past it, as you rebuild your life around the new situation. A lot of kids don't always live with their parents, and for a lot of reasons. The important thing is that they are safe, and kept out of the range of conflict. Here is some "Communist Bob" advice--and take it to heart, because he learned this the hard way-- 1--RECOGNIZE YOUR ANGER AND LEARN TO MANAGE IT--You will spend a lot of time thinking about the terrible things that have been done to you, this naturally brings up some of what seems like justified rage. When you let a little bit out, the rest will want to follow, and many things can be said and done that are hard to undo (Bob can tell you more about this if you enter KEY PHRASES like police cars, protective writs, straight jackets, restraining orders, and show-cause hearings) 2-DON"T PUT YOUR KIDS IN THE MIDDLE--Simple comments like,"Your mother is a cheap floozy who spreads her legs for every juiced up weirdo that passes out on her couch" often are misunderstood by children, who then feel like they must defend the parents from one another. 3-DON"T GET DRUNK AWAY FROM HOME--There is a tendency to "Go out on the town" to get away from your troubles. The thing is that, in a diminished capacity, you won't fully appreciate the troubles of the strangers that you meet, and some may want to fight with you, while others may simply be desperate to see the insides of you wallet. Not to mention the unsypathetic trees that you may run into. 4-AVOID CONSOLATION SEX--Yes, the provacatively dressed divorced neighbors, housekeepers, and waitresses may all seem to offer the sort of love that was missing in your marriage. And you may see promising romantic possiblilities with internet pals like CLAP GIRL, LOCOMOTIVE LADY, and even BUTTER BOY. Even the breathless, whisper-voiced voiced clerk who answers the phone at the auto parts store may seem to offer new heights of life experience. The thing is, and just trust Bob on this, you'll just end up in more trouble. 5-DON'T TRY TO BUY YOUR KIDS LOVE--Communist Bob was once called Capitalist Bob, Yuppie Bob, and Acura Bob. He made the mistake of providing catered bowling retreat birthday parties, Airwalkers with the days of the week sewn into the uppers, and trips to FAO Schwartz and Calvin Kleing for Kids part of each visit. He spent $300 dollars on boxes and ribbons alone for birthdays and at Christmas. Now he is also known as Rusted-out Escort Bob, and has to have prior appoval of all the gifts by the bankruptcy judge but they still love him. Communist Bob still has days of regret, but, things have calmed down, and after eleven years of litigation, custody hearings, and tens of thousands of dollars in expenses,his oldest child is going to college. Good Luck. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 21 Jun 00 - 03:43 PM Bob, topnotch advice. However, I have to say that I'd be sooo happy if anyone even offered the possibility of "consolation" (it's been 5 years! And more!) I'd be a lot happier than I am now! But I do know better than to accept, I would hope! Just kidding! About the offer, I mean, not the knowing better... Update: Since the last court date when I lost my bid for sole legal custody, X2B has a) missed yet another OT appt for Tim, who needs it (after missing both of the ones scheduled during his tenure between this last court date and the prior one); b) missed the time to deliver the boys back to; and c) missed the time to pick the boys back up, just last night. This is not uncommon; the pattern since I fled in March 98 has been we set up a schedule, I adhere, X2B ignores/forgets/claims it wasn't what was discussed/whatever. For about 2 years I used to say that I didn't know why meetings, appointments, pickup times were missed. Now I give what I honestly think is the most likely reason, which is forgetting. I am, I have to admit, tired of lying to protect that (expletives too many to choose from) in order to be non-denigrating to the children, and my experience is that this actually is working better. I think they could tell I was lying and thus worried that something was up (at least one pickup was missed due to a car accident). Now they seem to accept my answer with less angst... Upon rereading, I do have to specify that the car accident did not involve a pickup TRUCK. I was referring to a scheduled picking up of the twins. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 21 Jun 00 - 03:44 PM B) should be to deliver boys back to ME. Sorry. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: wysiwyg Date: 21 Jun 00 - 04:17 PM M-- As Hardi sez, "The Big D-- the gift that keeps on giving." I step-mom his two that he had custody of... and I can tell you this. If you keep your eye on being truthful, as postively as possible but TRUTHFUL, your kids will grow up knowing which way is UP and how to count on people when they need to. And without that, no kid does well for long. If you make every other mistake in the book, and write a new book of mistakes as well, but at least remain SOLID to the kids-- they will do OK. You may not see their road smooth out till they pass thru the years of hormone hell-- ours didn't, and we had some pretty bad nights.... but they did turn out to be fine, strong, loving people. Sounds like you have yourself a good support system here from which to branch out among people with 3D flesh on their bones-- feel free to rant at length in personal messages to me ANYTIME about how this feels. You will find those rc tools I sent you in that website work amazingly well in the cyber world. And I think we should vote Communist Bob for King-Elect. Bless you Bob, for knowing what you know and being able to say it so well. ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: katlaughing Date: 21 Jun 00 - 04:36 PM Dear Mrr, if you believe in or can use visualisation, see your heart surrounded in pink light...it's not just the lungs, it's the heart which goes through such tremendous pain and literal "heartache" during times such as these. Give yourself time to feel the hurt and sadness, etc. The anger will come when you are ready, not when someone else tells you. just don't keep it bottled up once it does come. And, sing to your heart, also, think kind thoughts to it, tell yourself that you love yourself. I've been divorced twice, both times with a kid or two involved. The best advice I ever got from my lawyers was to keep a diary/log of everything that went on, i.e. children picked up & dropped off, support payments received, anything said by the ex, clothing not returned, you name it, every single detail. When I had to take my first ex back to court for non-support, it mattered a great deal that I had kept such good records of everything. The other thing is to be completely honest with your kids. I think I went overboard on this with my kids about my first ex, but I was young and didn't know any better. None the less, my two older chidlren have turned out to be quite wonderful individuals who've made their first committed relationships last and work a lot better than I did my first. I didn't denigrate their father as much as just make sure they understood what life was like when he was involved...such as sharing the last bounced support check ever received, when they became teenagers and started asking more questions about him. I agree that children need both their parents, if possible, but sometimes that just isn't a good idea. In Wyoming, at the time, if a parent didn't pay court ordered support for over a year, they could have their rights revoked. I did that, then remarried and had my youngest. When her dad and I got divorced, he signed over all of his rights, as his father had done when he was little. He didn't want to see her go through any of the nasty divorce stuff he'd seen in the past and felt it was better for her. I am NOT suggesting this in your case, just relaying some personal experience. If anything, it sounds as though you really should have sole custody! It does get better. After that divorce, I didn't think I'd ever be happy with anyone again. About a year and a half later, I married Rog, who adopted all three of the kids and we just had our 20th anniversary this year. Well, that's probably more than you wanted to hear, but I hope some of it helps. All the best, kat |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Jun 00 - 06:37 PM No, Kat, I want to hear it all, it helps! Lots! I have been keeping a log, but I also had been warned that the Commonwealth of VA is very biased right now against sole custody, and although I have documented each missed everything, in the long run, since I fled at the first thrown plate out of fear that the blows so long-threatened (but not yet believed) would follow, none of it seemed to matter to the judge since I couldn't document any PHYSICAL abuse. I think that the bottom line was that the kind of neglect I can document is stuff like all the missed doctor's appointments, parties, pickups, deliveries, or the boys not being ready when it's my turn to fetch) aren't seen as I see them, as symptomatic of a deeper problem (whereas the fact that the children come back acting as if they'd been ignored for days doesn't count, it's "opinion"). The attitude from the bench was I'm sure you believe you were in danger, and given that you were right to flee with the children, but I'm not convinced that the threat WAS real. And just because you had a terrible marriage doesn't mean X2B is a terrible parent (my argument is No it doesn't, all this OTHER stuff demonstrated the terrible parent part). The judge ignored the specific recommendation of the psych evaluator that as the hostility towards me would prevent any workable co-parenting, I should have sole custody... I'm trying not to be "parentist" but I wish the judge had children. Also, Praise, I think you're right about ComBob. Very well put. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Bob Pacquin Date: 21 Jun 00 - 09:02 PM Bob can write about life better than he can deal with it, so it might not be a good idea to bestow too much power on him-- Meanwhile, is the visitation spelled out in the custody ruling? If so, you can go back to the judge everytime the ex-beloved misses, and the judge will deal with the problem. Judges get especially upset about missed medical treatments--if the visitation isn't spelled out in the custody agreement, go back to court and get it--and get used to working with your lawyer!!!
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: katlaughing Date: 22 Jun 00 - 12:18 AM Or, more like for your lawyer...my friend had a helluva time even getting a lawyer when she divorced a lawyer and then she and I did all of the work! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Jun 00 - 02:21 PM C.Bob, yes, visitation is spelled out and yes, you'd think that the judge would mind the missed appts - but apparently since X2B and I disagree on the need for the therapy (I am in agreement with 1 Primary Care physician, 2 neurological clinics, 1 occupational therapist, 1 speech therapist, and 2 psychotherapists, X2B is in agreement with nobody but, apparently, the judge) the fact that therapy visits are ROUTINELY missed when the boys aren't with me didn't carry as much weight as I, and my lawyer, and the lawyers with whom I work, thought it would. And I don't blame my lawyer in the slightest for losing (I tried for sole custody but judge has decreed it must be shared), we did all the right things, and the judge just "wishes" that shared would work...but we do have 2 more court dates, 1 to set child support and 1 to set visitation once the school year starts (kindergarten! Whoo woo!), I am continuing to keep my log and detail all the blowing-off, and we will continue to tell the court about it, and eventually maybe we'll be able to convince the judge that I'm not inventing things... Boy was it a good idea for me to start this thread. You all are SO helpful, even when not offering the sage advice I've been getting... Great village! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Jun 00 - 02:44 PM Heh heh heh... here is some more advice... heh heh heh.... join a church and get the pastor on your side. Some pastors can really move situations around with a few discreet phone calls.... and you need the support of a community.... and you do NOT have to ascribe to a SINGLE BELIEF to join, participate, exchange support.... (tell him this pastorwife sez so!!!) .... And pastors are SO POPULAR as court witnesses... a nice mainline, non-controversial church.... heh heh heh... see if you can nose out which church the judge goes to, and join that denomination, maybe not the same church but the same denomination... .... heh heh heh.... Oh yeah and do some really really WORTHY volunteer work, like for the Red Cross, we are the best-imaged!!! Or some real kid-oriented cause.... heh heh heh.... ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Mrrzy Date: 22 Jun 00 - 08:56 PM Ooh, that would be fun! But why are you snickering? This is actually a good idea, well, 2 good ideas, although the 1st one, unfortunately, would make too many people laugh... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Sorcha Date: 23 Jun 00 - 02:05 AM Sooz, have you joined the Underground? Heh, heh, heh. Sound right subversive, there, sissie. But you are right, it just might work! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: M. Ted (inactive) Date: 23 Jun 00 - 01:52 PM Shared custody is not the preferred arrangement anymore, most family therapists are shying away from advising it--I can tell you, as a veteran of a disasterous shared arrangement, that two people who couldn't make things work together are not very likely to be able to make co-operative decisions when apart. The French say, there are very few good marriages, and even fewer good divorces. Praise has a great idea--and who cares if anyone laughs? Lot's of famous people have decided to go to church, even when millions were derisive--Ministers, priests, and rabbis are about the only people that judges defer to) (Why is it that you get cheers when you stand up and say that you are a drug addict, but are derided when you say you've decided to go to church?) Get a letter from the therapist, submitted as a "friend of the court" saying that the child suffers from missing therapy. Don't give up-- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 23 Jun 00 - 02:10 PM OOh, amicus curae or whatever, good idea Ted! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: dwditty Date: 24 Jun 00 - 01:23 AM I, too, have experienced the utter frustration of trying to bring rational, logical thought into the American court system. Unfortunately, it has simply led me to the conclusion that judges, in general, are just smart ass holes. The song I used to hang on - Billie Holiday's GOD BLESS THE CHILD. Best sung late at night in a very quiet place. dw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bummed out and singing anyway From: Hardiman the Fiddler Date: 24 Jun 00 - 10:59 AM There was a book published a few years ago, that can be somewhat difficult to get. It is called the Ex-Factor, and it is all about family law, written by a group of attorneys. The main drawback to the book is that the family law varies some from state to state, so one would have to consult the local laws before using any of the strategies that are in the book. It could have been titled, "how to screw over your ex." You might find it worth trying to find. My copy walked off a long time ago, but I'm sure that it is still available, probably you'll have to special order it from a bookstore. Sorry for your troubles, things will get better...at least they did in my case. Hardiman the Fiddler |
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