BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 03:19 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Being in need of a laugh or three, I seized on a book at a garage sale yesterday. The 800-page book is "The Rationale of the Dirty Joke" by G. Legman.

The first joke I read: Every Sunday morning when the family went to church, Annie would be visited in bed by her lover Jock. One Sunday he arrives whistling "Annie Laurie." She gives him a disapproving look, and when he begins to whistle another tune she tears herself out of his arms and begins to get dressed, saying, "I'll nae fornicate wi' a mon who whustles on the Sabbath."

Two thousand jokes and an analytic study of erotic humor arranged by subject. What more Could One ask for? That's a great deal for a buck.

May I tell one more? Thanks.
Critic to actor: Is it your opinion that Shakespeare intended us to understand that Hamlet screwed Ophelia?
Tragedian: I don't know what Shakespeare intended, but I always do.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 07:07 PM

Lady goes to church and prays, "Lord, how long will I live?"

The Lord answers, "Fifteen more years."

The lady is thrilled, and to celebrate she goes out and gets a sexy new outfit, gets her hair restyled (AND tinted blonde), and sets out to go out on the town to celebrate. The makeover is a huge success-- she looks like a whole new woman, and she's struttin' her stuff like never before!

As she's leaving the beauty shop in her new duds, she's run over by a car, SMACK! And she's a goner.

Goes up to Heaven right off, and there's the Lord waitin' to greet the new arrival. She starts right in--

"You said I had 15 more years!! What the hell???"

"Didn't reckanize ya!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 09:46 PM

Two blonde jokes for the price of one:

Emergency
----------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an
elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency
room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing
to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number
and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."


--------------

True Story

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call (who just must have been blonde) asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not
stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 10:29 PM

Husband Mart


A Husband Shopping Center has just opened where a woman may go to Choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.


There is, however, a catch.


As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.


So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.


The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.


The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids
and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. But I wonder what's upstairs?"


The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.


The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.


The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 769,987,421 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 10:47 PM

Any New Jokes?
Movie of Arnie´s Struggle

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 11:40 PM

Redhead, brunette and blonde. Redhead says she found a half pack of cigarettes in her daughter's room and didn't know she smoked. Brunette says she found a half a six pack in her daughter's room and didn't know she drank. Blonde says she found a condom in her daughter's room and didn't know she had a dink.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 12:37 AM

Guy & Girl on first date, she keeps saying "I want to get weighed." He takes her to several scales,at a drug store, to the subway,etc. He takes her home disgustedly. At her door he says, "Why did you want to get weighed so much?" She says, "Oh, I guess I thought I was in wuve."
   
A woman at the White House Gate insists on having intercourse with the President. Guard says, "You mean an interview, Madam." "No, I mean intercourse! I want to see the nuts that are running the country."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pooby
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 10:30 AM

How cool! I bought a copy of "Rationale of the Dirty Joke" years and years ago (probably in the early 70s or thereabouts), and still have it. While I haven't read it lately (that may soon change), mostly I just skip over the "rationale" parts and focus on the dirty jokes, which are, for the most part, a bloody riot. One particular fave (punchline only): "If your mother were here, we could've saved the horse and wagon, too." (The rest of the joke can be furnished upon request, but to give you an idea of where it's coming from, it's in a chapter focusing on oversized genitalia.)

Laugh on, mates...

Poobs

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 02:08 PM

Poobs, My book, published 1968, doesn't have that particular Chapter heading. I know there are much funnier jokes in my book--but I don't want to get deported from Mudcat. Please PM the kicker on your joke. I'm getting a headache trying to work it out.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 02:48 PM

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
   "What are you doing out here at 2 AM?" asked the officer.
   "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
   "And who's going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
   "My wife," said the man.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 02:48 PM

some of the jokes in that book (I have had it for years) are wonderful...but, as it is a scholarly complilation, some are simply crude, stupid and NOT funny. Wait till you get to the one G. Legman says is HIS favorite joke!...(no, I will not post it here).

Also, for the sake of brevity, a lot of the jokes noted in the book are 'condensed' to get across the point, but would need to be expanded and embroidered to be told well.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 04:49 PM

Does anyone love puns with the passion that I do?

A steam train is crossing Poland at night, and is almost out of coal. The engineer tells the brakeman that the porter will have to go out to buy coal at the next stop, and to let him know what the next stop is, to ensure it has coal.

At the next stop (2:00 a.m.) the brakeman peers out at the sign and says "It looks like Danzig in the dark."

"Buy coal, porter!" yells the engineer.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 05:49 PM

Gorilla goes into a bar with his owner. Bartender says, "The gorilla can stay, but he has to stay away from the pool table." Guy agrees. Gorilla goes to the pool table, picks up cue ball and swallows it. They get thrown out of the bar.

They return two days later, and guy is carrying a small, gift-wrapped box. Gives it to the bartender. Yep, it's the cue ball, cleaned, bleached and polished. Bartender says gorilla can stay but has to keep away from the pool table. Gorilla sees peanuts on the bar. He takes them one at a time, inserts each one in his anus, scrutinizes it and then eats it. Goes on to do the same with jelly beans, pretzels, pizza crust and taco chips. Bartender asks what the gorilla's doing? Guy says, "Well, ever since he shit that cue ball he's been checking the size of all his food!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 06:00 PM

Musician's joke.

Monastery where all are sworn to silence, except first thing in the morning when they are allowed to chant, "I wish you a good morning." After twenty-three years of this same routine, one of the monks decides to change things a little. As everyone else chants, "I wish you a good morning," he chants, "I wish you a good evening." The abbot then sings, "Someone chanted evening!" done to the tune of, you know. (Good groaner for an audience.)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 06:05 PM

Someone chanted evening
You will hang a stranger....

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 06:26 PM

Good one, Amos.

Very drunk guy goes into a bar and asks to use the washroom--says he needs to take a crap in a hurry. Bartender points and guy goes. A minute leter a piercing scream comes from the washroom. Ten seconds later, another heart-wrenching scream. Bartender and two customers go running to the can. They hear a third scream. As they enter the bathroom, there's the guy sitting down, face pail and sweat on his brow. Barkeep asks what the problem is. Guys says, "I tried to flush the toilet three times, and something squeezes my privates really hard." Bartender looks at him and says, "You bloody idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 06:58 PM

Texans in Hell

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping
it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when
they get into an accident with busload of nuns and
orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to
Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that
they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an
explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the
heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he
cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting.
The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check
on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He
snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans'
camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs
of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats
and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his
sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have
been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this
ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is
seeing red.

"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what
happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads
to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans'
campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and
drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of
the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with.
The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans
are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated.
"I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I
tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans
are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and
replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just
gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 07:10 PM

THE HONORABLE LIE
(A true story...honest)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. (That's our story, and we're sticking to it!)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 07:13 PM

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a kitchen in France?




























linoleum blownapart.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 07:34 PM

Not neccesrily new, but it is old and baaaaad !

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized

printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.

Now give me back my dog."

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Walrus
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 08:06 PM

I found out recently that one of my relatives had deserted from the Army in WW2.

It appears that on his first day in, they issued him with his kit
They gave him a comb and the barber cut off all his hair,
they gave him a tooth-brush and the Army dentist pulled four of his teeth.
When he checked his kit and found a jock-strap... well they haven't seen him since.

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 11:27 PM

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later
discovered to be a public school math teacher, was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a compass, a protractor, and a graphic calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious
al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 11:46 PM

A very old man takes a young lady to dinner, the man slips the waiter a vial of pills, and asks him to slip one into his soup. The dinner is delayed. When he complains, he's told the chef accidently dropped all the pills in the soup and is waiting for the noodles to lay down.

A minister, on his wedding night, comes back to the bedroom after brushing his teeth. He finds his bride lying naked on the bed, he is shocked. He says, "I expected to find you on your knees," he says reproachfully. "Well alright, but it always gives me the hiccups."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 02:56 AM

A Pun for Guest pdc,

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered him $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint, it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. He still was using more paint than he wanted so he added still more thinner to the paint. The paint was too thin to cover, but he kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lightening and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Metchosin
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 03:14 AM

another true story and I'm not a blonde, but sometimes I try.

My father-in-law died recently and I was at his house packing up his belongings when the phone rang. Someone asked to speak to him. I replyed that he had just passed away and asked, "May I take a message?"

.....of course, I might have hoped to reach him at my next seance

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: mouldy
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 03:36 AM

One I learned from a vicar last night:

A man's wife died and he contacted the stonemason about putting up a headstone on her grave. He told the mason all the details and the asked if he could have the words "Lord She Was Thine" added at the bottom.
A couple of weeks later, the mason contacted the man to say that the job was done, so the man went over to the graveyard to have a look. To his horror he saw that the mason had missed a letter off the final line. So he went home, phoned the mason and told him he had missed a letter E off the end of the last line. The mason was very apologetic, and said he would attend to the matter right away. The next time the man went he saw "E Lord She Was Thin"!

and also:
A vicar was taking his ease on beautiful summer's evening, and looking out from the church door across the graveyard. He caught sight of a man in a very distraught state at one of the graves. He was tearing his hair and beating his breast in a most biblical fashion, and wailing, "Why, oh why did you have to die? How could you do this to me?"
At first the vicar didn't wish to intrude upon the man's grief, but in the end his sense of duty forced him over. He quietly went up to the man and gently spoke to him, "I don't want to pry, my son, but I sense you might feel better if you talked to somebody. I think you must have loved your wife very much to be so affected."
At this the man turned a despairing face to the vicar and sobbed, "WIFE? - it's her first husband!"

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: gnu
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 05:59 AM

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 03:04 PM

A Latvian went to work one day and observed two Russians one was digging holes . Come lunchtime he is enjoying the sun and a bite and observes the two Russians again, the second was filling-in holes as fast as the first was digging them. He was consumed with intrigue so he asks the second, "Ruskie, why are you filling-in those holes as soon as your mate has finished digging them?"
"Well" says Ivan "you see Dimitri is off sick, and he is the one who plants the trees".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 08:08 PM

There's a very drunk man in a bar. He's going on about how ihs wife always nags him for staying out late and especially for drinking too much. After a couple more drinks he throws up all over his shirt. He cries to the bartender "WHat am I gonna do? My wife's gonna have my head!"   
The bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet and put it in a separate pocket from the rest of his money and tell his wife that someone else threw up on him and gave him $20 to clean his shirt. The drunk has a couple more drinks and goes home to his wife.
He walks in and gives her $40 and tells her about the man giving him $20 for his shirt. When she asks about the other $20, the drunk replies "He shit my pants, too."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 09:01 PM

You're a talented bunch. Rich (bodhránai gan ciall) Please explain the paranthetical.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 09:47 PM

"new joke" is prolly an oxymoron.

Anyhow, there's this guy who goes to see a doctor with a complaint that his penis was a bright orange. After a long series of tests (which showed nothing), the doctor asked if the man had been doing anything unusual. "Not at all. Since I broke off with my girlfriend, all I do is watch porn videos and eat Cheeze Doodles."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 10:15 PM

This just showed up on the Flatpick-L list:

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 01:47 AM

dick greenhaus -

Will pay that one!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Harmoni
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 02:28 AM

This one my daughter told me:

Two robins are in a field, stuffing their faces with all the worms they can find. Some time later they both finish eating but to their dismay discover that they've eaten too much and are too heavy to fly up into the nest. So they decide to just relax in the sun until they can fly again.

Meanwhile, a cat happens to stroll by. He sees these two robins just sitting there and without a moments hesitation, pounces on them and gobbles them up. The cat then licks his chops and says, "You know, I've always loved Baskin Robins."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Gareth
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:30 AM

Old, and copied but still worth repeating.

Anyone of you identify with some of
these...............

You know you're living in 2003 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you
still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock
news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your
job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are
more likely to get long-service awards.

..... and the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling

14. As you read this list, you think about
forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never
talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from
the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a No.9.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 11:23 AM

A few days late, but you can save it for next year:

TEN REASONS TRICK OR TREAT IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 01:04 PM

What blondes say after sex:

Are you boys all in the same band?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 01:12 PM

Two goldfish were in their tank.
One turns to the other and says,
"You man the guns, I'll drive."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Tunesmith
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 03:35 PM

I heard this a year or so back, but the recent " Mother Theresa ceremony in Rome put in mind of it.

         A few years back, a couple of English blokes were in Calcuta.
         They were walking down a busy street, when one of the blokes
         turned to his mate and said, " Isn't that Mother Theresa
         across the street? " I'm not sure," said his friend," but
         I've always wanted to meet her. Let's go and check."
            The two mates crossed the street and came up behind
         the women. One of them touched the women on the shoulder.
         Where upon, she spun around and shouted, " Take your
         f****** hands off me, you f****** pervert!" The women   
         then disappeared into the crowd leaving the two
         friends in shocked silenced. Finally, one of the blokes
         turned to his friend and said, " Now we'll never know if
         it was her or not!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 03:42 PM

I don't get it...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:43 PM

Read it twice.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 05:46 PM

LOL!!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 06:17 PM

Guest Tunesmith: Just in case you really don't get it: one would assume that Dear Saintly Mother Teresa would never use the the "F" word. Unless of course, you pissed her off!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 07:02 PM

Two nuns driving along the road, when suddenly Dracula lands on the hood and starts banging on the windshield, trying to get in.

"Sister!" screams one. "What ever shall we do?"

"Quick!" answers the other. "Show him your cross!"

"Right!" nods the first one, rolling down the window. "Oi! You! Get the fuck off our car!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 07:03 PM

Two nuns in the bathtub together.

First one: "Where's the soap?"

Second one: "Does a bit, doesn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:23 AM

The Donkey

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame,
he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:25 AM

Useful responses for negative social interaction purposes.


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

3. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

5. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

7. How about never? Is never good for you?

8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

9. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

10. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

12. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

13. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

14. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn off.

15. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial.

16. No, my powers can only be used for good.

17. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

18. You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.

19. Are you a f...ing ray of sunshine every day?

20. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

21. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

22. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

25. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

26. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:29 AM

Christian VS. Pagan Kittens

The priest was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the priest.

"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The priest walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her heart.

A week later, the priest was walking down the same street and saw the little girl again playing with the kittens.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl.

"But..but.. I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted priest.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and that's enough for today...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Melanie
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 08:31 AM

Q. What happens if you drop Viagra into a waterfall?
A. The flow goes into reverse and swells impressively!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 09:00 AM

Melanie, someone suggested that if you give Viagra to a lawyer, he gets taller. I'm a lawyer and 5'8", so I thought I might try it...

Foolestroupe, one put down you left out - a little less brutal - was the one Doc Watson has used on noisy hecklers:

"That's all right, son, I remember the night I had my first beer."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 09:53 AM

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place
it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made
by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad
I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 01:16 PM

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark....


1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead: it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

4. Stay fit: when you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get the job done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Speed isn't always an advantage: the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9. When you're stressed, float a while.

10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Helen
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 07:14 PM

An old music hall joke:

"I say, I say! My brother chews hammers in a circus."

"Is he a hammer-chewer?"

"No, he's a professional."


And another one:

A man goes into a pub, takes off his hat and puts it on the bar while he drinks his beer. The publicans dog jumps up, grabs the hat, jumps down again and starts chewing it up.

The man yells at the publican and tells him to rescue his hat from the dog, but the publican just waves his hand dismissively and says, "You shouldn't have put your hat on the bar in the first place."

The man says, "Look here, I don't like your attitude!"

The publican replies, "It wasn't my hat he chewed!"




A woodworm goes into a pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"



[I refer to these as my "Groan Jokes"]

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Denge
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 01:59 PM

Guy visits prostitue - has only 50 cents. For that she lets him put his big toe in "it". A week later he visits doctor complaining of red ring 0n his toe. Doctor says, "That's amazing, you have syphilis on your big toe, funny thing, I had a lady her this morning suffering from athlete's cunt.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 10:22 PM

The Origin of Yodeling.
Reply-To: [e-mail]


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

"Perhaps he is hungry." said the daughter. And she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour! Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, "after we made such passionate love last night?"

"What?" shouted the farmer and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, ......


wait for it!!! (Scroll down)

















"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: annamill
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 01:05 AM

I've told this joke a bunch of times here, but I bet there are a few who haven't heard it. I like it.

A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Bob Peters here?".

The barber replies "No, only haircuts and shaves!"

Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: mouldy
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 03:05 AM

A rabbit goes into a pub one lunchtime, climbs up onto a bar stool, and orders a pint and a sandwich. The landlord looks in amazement and says, "Bloody hell, you're a talking rabbit! What are you doing here?"
The rabbit replies, "I've just started work on the building site across the road".
And at noon every day after that, the rabbit goes into the pub, gets up onto the stool and has a pint and a sandwich before going back to work.
One day the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster comes in the pub, handing out flyers. The landlord goes up to him and tells him about the rabbit, "Be in here at 12 o' clock, mate, and you'll see him".
Right on time, the rabbit walks in, gets up onto the bar stool, and orders a pint and a sandwich.
The ringmaster oozes over to him and says, "I work for the circus, and I think I may have a job for somebody with your talent. Would you like to work for me?"
The rabbit turns and says, "Circus? That's that big canvas tent with a circular performing area inside, isn't it?"
The ringmaster nods in agreement.
The rabbit then looks at him very hard and says, "What the bloody hell do you want a plasterer for?"

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 09:47 AM

I've suffered for days, I've sent it to my friends, I've told it on the mountain, all to no avail. Would someone please explain Cluin's joke of Nov.5-7:03pm?

Tarzan & Jane meet for the first time. They discuss everything imaginable and finally get around to sex. She asks what he does, seeing that he's been alone for so long. He points to a knothole in a tree & says I use that. Jane lays on the ground and says, as she spreads her legs, "come lay down beside me, I'll show you what you've been missing." As he lays down he makes a fist & punches her in the groin. She says, "Why did you do that?" He says,"I always check for bees first."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 09:55 AM

Mickey:

Homonyms for "Where's" include wares, and wears, of which the last is applicable, and I leave it to you to imagine what a nun might be doing that would wear the soap.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:05 AM

Once upon a Princess...

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self
assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a
white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and
thought, "I don't bloody think so."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:07 AM

Mickey - another one for you...

Two nuns praying in the cathedral together.

First one: "Where's the candle?"

Second one: "Does a bit, doesn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:09 AM

Amos -

You beat me to it...


Mr Bates...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: nancyjo
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:33 AM

Foolestroupe - was your response a pun?


(when your mind's in the gutter....)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: nancyjo
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:36 AM

And in the same category as "where's the soap/candle"--

Two Italian nuns were riding their bikes over bumpy back roads on their way back to the convent in Rome late one afternoon.
As it started to get darker on the streets, the nuns got a little nervous & one leans over to the other & says, "You know, I've never come this way before".

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: *daylia*
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:39 AM

A few weeks ago, one of my students shared this little rhyme for remembering which notes are on the lines of the bass staff -

George Bush Died Friday Afternoon

Hee hee hee!   I like it better than the trusty ole Good Boys Deserve Fun Always ... oh, the times they ARE a'changin (still!) ....

daylia

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: *daylia*
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 11:07 AM

Oops, sorry bout the bad HTML. Let's try that again ...

George Bush Died Friday Afternoon

There, all better now! (Except for poor ole George I guess)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 04:20 PM

My thanks to Amos & Foolestroupe for the answer. And here I thought nuns had nun. Seems I've been wrong.

An Irishman is lamenting his not getting the nomination for alderman. Blaming it on his lack of schooling, he tells his wife if it weren't for you & the children I'd have had more time for my education. You held me back Brigid. "Held you back is it?" bristles the wife; "If you'd paid as much attention to your prayer book as you did to my bare ass, you'd be Pope by now."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 06:10 PM

Two blonde jokes for the price of one:


Emergency
----------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an
elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency
room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing
to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number
and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."


--------------

True Story

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call, who must have been a blonde, asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not
stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Hrothgar
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 09:59 PM

Anything that relates to the death of George W Bush is NOT funny.

If he karks it, you get ..... ?

See what I mean?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:09 PM

How about

Evil George Bush Died Friday Afternoon ...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:19 PM

Say, we should be careful taking about the overthrow of the US Democratic processes, even in jest - we may have attracted the attention of 'Echelon' - and THAT would NOT be funny.... but then all folk musos are considered radiacal pinko commies - no wait - old term, er... terrorists... :-)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 04:18 AM

Origins: Drinking on the Premises

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 05:03 AM

The 5-Year Plan

NEWS BULLETIN

The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Terminator-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should be droppd.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrevun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:39 AM

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask   
me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you
ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish, just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Watson
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 10:16 AM

I bought a David Blaine doll yesterday...














.... But I couldn't get it out of the box.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: *daylia*
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 11:24 AM

Thanks, Foolestroupe! :-)   Eye jus pazzt ziz on 2 oza pepl, like ewe zed ....

Now, Any Nude Oaks around here today?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 06:00 PM

At the end of my first day working at a 24-hour convenience store,
a customer walked in and asked, "Is this store open all day, seven
days a week, 365 days a year?"

"Yes," I answered, puzzled at the question.

"Well, then," he continued as he walked out, "why are there locks
on the doors?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Pastor Dave Charlton says, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old
boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

"About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If
you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will
have to start his sermon all over again!'

"It worked."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Trevor
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:15 PM

Bloke's car breaks down in middle of nowhere. He gets out, opens the bonnet and is standing staring, not knowing what he's looking at. Suddenly he hears a deep, booming voice - 'Check the fuel feed to the carburettor'. He does - nothing wrong. The voice again - 'Have a look at the HT leads and make sure they'r all still attached to the plugs'. He checks - no problem. The voice again - 'Check that the distributor cap hasn't fallen off'. Lo and behold, that's the problem. He reattaches it and the car starts straight away. Bemused, he looks around to see where the voice came from - all he can see is a white horse in a field. He gives up the search and carries on his way. When he stops for lunch at a pub in the next village he recounts the story to the barman - '.....and all I could see was a horse in a field'. The barman asks him what colour the horse was and the driver tells him it was white. 'Thank God for that' says the barman, 'the black 'un knows bugger all about cars!'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:38 PM

The night before he was really polluted. In the morning he rolled over in bed and there beside him was a truly ugly woman, sleeping peacefully. He got out of bed quietly, dressed,and left $50.00 on the bureau. He started to leave and suddenly felt something tugging on his trouser leg. He glanced down, and there was a woman who was even uglier then the one in the bed. She gazed up at him and said, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

The son meets his Father coming out of a house of ill-repute. "Pa," he said, "You in a place like this?" "I'll tell you the truth son, I refuse to argue with your mother for five dollars."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:58 PM

French Foreign Legion (this is an old joke, but may be new to some of you). Eight months in the desert. Private goes to the Sergeant and asks what everyone does for fun, ahem. Sergeant says there's a camel in the tent just up the hill. Private goes. Ten minutes later the tent walls are flappin, and there's a braying coming from inside the tent. The Private leaves the tent and is met by the whole platoon of Legionaires. They start cheering and applauding. The Private blushes and explains that the Sergeant had told him the camel was in the tent. Another Private say, "Yes, but usually we just ride him into town."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 08:54 PM

Another oldie but goodie.

Jane sends Tarzan out to get supper. He swings through the jungle and finds nothing. He was pondering what to tell her when he noticed some finches sitting on the branches near him. he flailed about and threw abot twenty birds into the sack. He then noticed a pair of chimpanzies near him. He clubbed both and tossed them into the sack. Swung back to Jane and emptied the contents of the sack onto the table. Jane put her hand to her forehead and said, "Oh, no Tarzan, not finch and chimps again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:08 PM

A very prim and proper lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, South Carolina one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge and getting ready to jump.
   She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, young man! Think of your Mom and Dad."
   He cried back, "My Mom and Dad are both dead! I'm gonna jump!"
   She said, "Well think of your wife and kids!".
   He shouted, "I'm not married and don't have any kids! I never will! I don't even have a girlfriend!"
   She said, "Well then think on the couragous example of Robert E. Lee!"
   He yelled, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"
   She fired back, "Oh, just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 12:31 AM

Frugality - Ten Shillings is Ten Shillings!


Fredrick and his wife Edna went to the fair every year.

Every year Fredrick would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
carriage."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fredrick, but that carriage
ride costs ten Shillings, and ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

One year Fredrick and Edna went to the fair and Fredrick said, "Edna,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that carriage this year I may never
get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fredrick that there carriage ride costs ten Shillings,
and ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

The driver overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one
word it's ten Shillings."

Fredrick and Edna agreed and off they go at a mad pace across the
fields, bouncing over rocks and ditches, but not a word is heard. The
driver goes recklessly around a twisting hillside track and when they
pull up to screeching stop, he turns to Fredrick, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fredrick replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell
out, but ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 10:02 PM

I was travelling the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
   The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
   He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
   "Yes, I sure do," I replied.
   "You a Republican?" asked the old man.
   "Democrat," I replied.
   "Well, you can just go to Hell, you pinko bleedin' heart!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
   Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
   Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."
   The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
   I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and strongly Republican.
   The next car to stop was a red SUV driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican.
   "Sure am!" I shouted.
   "Hop in, then!" she said.
   Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me... the wind blowing through her hair, her perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
   So I yelled at her, "Please stop the vehicle!"
   She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the SUV stopped, I jumped out.
   "What's the matter?" she asked.
   "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 10:29 PM

Blonde has a fire in her living room. She calls the fire station. She is frazzled and very excited. She screams, "There's a fire in my house. You have to come here right now. Come quickly. Now, now, now." The firefighter says, "Please calm down, ma'am. Can you tell us how to get there." The blonde replies, "Well, doh, take the big red truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 01:15 AM

What's the difference between a motorcycle and a banjo?

You can tune a motorcycle.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

Why does the bagpiper march about while he plays?

He's trying to get away from the noise.

What's worn beneath the kilt?

Nothing--it's all in perfect working order.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 02:41 AM

Ant and the grasshopper.

Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 08:05 AM

That's too close to the truth to be a joke, Robin.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:41 AM

:-)
aw JennyO - how about this one then...


                        THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each,

                              for 6 weeks.

   Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

                   There is no access to fast food.

                                  ***


Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

The men only have access to television When the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and ....

                           there is NO REMOTE

                                 *****


                     The men must shave their legs,
                           wear makeup daily,
                   which they must apply themselves,
                         either while driving
                                  or
                      while making four lunches.


                                 *****

                They must attend weekly PTA meetings;

                                  *

            clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.;

                                  *

make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;

                                  *

             and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

       The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

                                  *****

The last man wins .

                  only if .

he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's
notice.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called

                               "Mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 10:11 AM

Ah yes. Been there and done that.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 10:22 AM

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct
the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day
when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!"

"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face,
producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced
he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong
out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his
side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop
through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! Don't groan yet, there's more!!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the
bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless
wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

"I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to
pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to
his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,........

"...But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 11:13 AM

Oh, that does take the cake!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 03:33 PM

Well, if it's shaggy dog stories you want.....

One cold winters day in England, an old derelict was mooching along a quiet country lane when he heard a scream from behind the hedgerow. Some curiosity stirred within him and he peered over the hedge to see a frozen pond with a hole in it and a child struggling to clamber out. Old instincts resurfaced and he dashed to the rescue, somehow negotiating the treacherous ice and lifting the girl (for it was indeed a young girl) to safety.

As he carried her to the bank, a Rolls pulled up in the lane and a frantic father came rushing to see if his child was alright. On seeing that she was scared, drenched but essentially OK, he succumbed to emotion and offered the old stiff anything he wanted in reward – money, a home, clothes anything.

The derelict gathered a few shreds of dignity and quietly said he had only done what any Christian soul would have done and please do not belittle me with rewards for correct conduct. But the father persisted and eventually the rescuer confessed that there was no point in trying to resurrect his life as he would only drink it all away again. So, if the father really wanted to do something for him, he'd accept 50 quid and a lift to the next town with a pub but that was all that was necessary. So the grateful, if bemused, father gave him a fifty and drove him into town.

On being let out, the dero wandered off in search of a pub, but as he went, he saw an ad in a travel agency for cheap cruises, and he thought to himself; "how wonderful it would be to have a holiday after all these years on the road", and on impulse, he went in and said that he wanted a cruise.

Well, as you can imagine, he was not the normal customer they were used to, but his innocence touched the heart of the manager and he went searching for an almost forgotten promo deal with Cunard that offered a few cabins on a two week cruise for 50 pounds. It was not a particularly good cabin but it was available so the derelict accepted joyfully and set out for Southhampton to join the good ship Gargantua which was to be his home for two weeks.

It took him quite a while to get there, so long in fact that the two week cruise had come & gone and the Gargantua had returned to stock up for a much longer voyage. But oblivious to this, the stiff fronted up to the gangway and asked for his cabin. The Officer of the Day was appalled. His beautiful ship to be defiled by this grotty old alkie – never. But when the derelict told him the whole story as to how he had a ticket (albeit out of date) he was moved to pity and agreed to sneak him on board that night and give him a cabin way way down in steerage so that he could have his holiday.

So, that night, after all the passengers had retired to their cabins, the officer called the derelict from the shadows of the pier and took him onto the ship. Silently, they slunk through A Deck and got a lift down to ZZ Deck (for the Gargantua was indeed gargantuan) and there was this tiny little room – a bunk, a basin, a hook for clothes and one wooden chair. Primitive perhaps but to the dero it was luxury beyond his dreams. He just stood there smiling as the Officer sternly told him that on no account was he to show himself during daylight hours (in fact not before 2:00am) as there would be hell to pay if any of the rich passengers saw him. But if he was good, he would get meals delivered to his cabin and even the odd drink as well.

So the ship sailed, and the dero thought he'd died and gone to heaven. Three meals a day, a warm dry bed to sleep in and enough booze to help him forget the past. What more could he ask? So he kept the bargain and only came out between 2 and 6 each morning and spent the rest of the time sipping peacefully in his cabin.

But, one night, as he was prowling around the sports deck at 3:30, he happened on the big swimming pool and saw the diving board. He was overcome by memories of his prowess as a diver before the booze got him and took it all away. And he wondered if he could still do those triple somersaults he used to do so well. So, you've guessed it, he climbed up to the board and had a go and somehow the old skills were still there and for an hour he twisted and tucked and piked as if he had never stopped training. But as he was climbing out at the end, a voice said "And who the hell are you", and there was the Captain.

Trembling, he confessed who he was and why he was on board. The Captain, having seen this incredible performance, had tears in his eyes as he contemplated the ruin that booze had made of a man and his talent and he couldn't find it in his heart to lock him up (or crucify the Officer who had let him aboard). And a brain wave struck him – what about cleaning the old boy up and let him put on an exhibition for the passengers.

He broached the idea and the dero readily agreed but asked if he could have a couple of nights to practice first. The captain went along with this and suggested that to make it a bit more spectacular they might raise the height of the diving board a bit too.

So, three days later, the passengers assembled by the pool to see this incredible exhibition of diving skill from a 20 meter platform. The dero, resplendent in a borrowed pair of trunks, stepped out from the back of the platform and did a couple of trial bounces on the board, high above the pool. Then, with a flourish, he ran along the board, sprang high and bounced. He soared 15 meters above the board and went into a virtuoso routine of somersaults and twists to the amazement of the crowd.

But, alas, he, and the captain, and the crowd had forgotten the inexorable laws of physics. The Gargantua was steaming at some 25 knots, the pool was only 10 meters long on the axis of travel and he was in the air for sufficient time for the pool to move from under him as he did his routine.

Catastrophe….. Instead of the immaculate bubble entry that he had been practicing, he came down from a great height on the steel deck a meter and a half beyond the pool. So great was his velocity that he went straight through the metal and disappeared from view. Everyone was stunned and stood motionless until a seaman on watch yelled that he had appeared in the ships wake.

Great commotion followed as the Gargantua slowed and a boat was launched and the dero retrieved. They took him down to the Sick Bay and the doctor looked him over and somewhat disbelievingly said he was going to live. The Captain was bemused and finally said to him, "How in the hell did you survive going through 27 steel decks & the hull?".

And the old man looked at him and said:

"You must realise that I'm an old alcoholic and I've been through lots of hardships"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:02 PM

Having seen the same face at the dole officer for ten years, the Employment Officer decides he's had enough and sorts out a labouring job for the ne'er do well. It's at a welding shop and he's told to report to the stores to collect his gear. The storeman lists off the stuff:

"One pair overalls, chest 42; One pair steel-toed safety boots, size 12; One broom; One pair safety goggles; ..."

"What's the safety goggles for?"

"The sparks"

"You'll get no f*ckin' sparks off MY broom pal!"

biddum ... chrrrr

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: DaveA
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:05 PM

Woops - my cookie had gone missing & I hadn't noticed....

Order now restored, I offer this account of an "innocent Aussie who fell into bad company in Texas" as penance!!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named HUGH, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast of Australia: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

HUGH: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

HUGH: Keep out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

HUGH: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Butcher's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

HUGH: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

HUGH: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The bitch who made this seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

HUGH: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

HUGH: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Kate's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Aussie, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

HUGH: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:45 PM

So, this bear comes down out of the woods on a hot, dry, dusty day.
Its a small, one horse sort of town with a dirt main street and a single saloon. The bear walks into the bar and spies nought but the barkeep and a nasty looking, mangy old dog lying on the floor in the corner. The bear bellies up to the bar and says, "Good sir, please draw me a beer." The barman replies, "I'm sorry, but the rules say that I cannot serve a beer to a bear in this bar."

The bear, says, "Never fear, my man, I have money to pay for my libation," and he pulls out a couple of bucks and puts them on the bar. The tender says, "Money is not the issue, here, the rules say that I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar."

The bear, now becoming irritated, says, "Rules, schmools, there's no one here except that dog, and she ain't talking, and me, and I ain't going to talk, and you, and I KNOW that you don't want to tell anybody about this little rule infraction. So, put a cold one right here in front of me and no one's the wiser." The bartender falls back on the same old, "Rules is rules and the rules say no beer for the bear in this bar."

The bear now gets up off of the stool and says, "Look, I've tried being nice, but if you don't give me a beer, RIGHT NOW, I'm going to have to do something terrible to that dog of yours. The bartender says, I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar."      So, the bear eats the dog.

Climbing back up on to the barstool, the bear says, "I didn't really want to do that, but perhaps now you understand the depth of my need. Please give me a beer." The bartender, sobbing at the loss of his old friend, says, "I can't. The rules haven't changed, and the rules say that I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar, . . . especially when the bear is on drugs."

Taken aback, the bear thunders, "DRUGS, what DRUGS?"

The bartender says, "That, sir, was a bar bitch you ate."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 06:29 PM

A little boy is asked by his father what he would like for his up and coming birthday.. a computer ...a mobile phone.... a mountain bike ?

the young boy to his fathers surprise says a tortioise
A tortoise? queeries the Father
Yes a tortoise replies the young lad.

The father scours for a pet shops for miles around and finaly finds one and yes it sells tortoises., although they are very hard to come by now as no body wants them nowadays.

The father returns home and gives his son the tortoise who is simply over the moon with it.

Three days later as the father is preparing to leave for work he looks at the toroise in its little hut .It is motionless. On closer inspection he discovers great blisters oozing on the underside of the tortoise the shell of which has broken and flaked away. The poor creature is dead.
Realising the loss his son will feel he dives into his car races across town to the shop and as luck has it get another just like the first and gets back home in time to swap them without the son knowing.

However four days later he notices the second tortoise in the same state, the shell flaking away and great oozing blisters on the poor creature and as the first ..dead.

Again he jumps in the car and races across town to the shop. This time he protests vehemently to the shop owner. He replies he has never seen anything like it and gives a replacement tortoise and refunds the initial payment as a sign of good will. The father gets back in time the second time and the son knows nothing.

Four days later the father looks at the tortoise and like the first two the underside of the shell has flaked away completely. and there is a mass of blisers ooozing gunge.

Again he takes the tortoise to the shop and complains . The shop keeper is mystified and explains that all his toroises are home bred and have been for the past twenty years and never has he seen anything like it. He phones other pet shops and they have never witnessed such a thing with any tortoise. The shop keeper gives the man his prize stud tortoise and goes with him to the house to view the situation. This time however the young boy has risen early and has found the hut empty and is in tears at the loss of his pet. He has been staring at the hut the door whic is open and thinks it has escaped just as the father and shop owner appear with tortoise number four. THe boys eyes light up at he sight of his pet. He grabs it fooled once again and delighted.
The father breaths a sigh of relief and he and the shop owner watch the young boy play with his pet.


VRROOOMM   VRRROOOM VRROOMMMM he shrieks as he pushes the tortoise over and over again across the gravel path .........

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:12 PM

beadie, you deserve this one.

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They get wasted. At one minute to closing time the giraffe begins to stumble toward the door. He passes out. The guy starts to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, fellow, you gonna leave that lyin' there?" Guy replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:50 PM

Two For Caffeine Addicts...

The Joy of Coffee
                        Anon

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in
green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for
its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I
will fear no Equal (tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness
and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

~~~~~~~~~~
The Caffeinated Cross
                        (A Javacrucian Ritual)
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE" Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA" Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCHINO" Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCHINO" Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean.

This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:54 PM

A pub landlord has an ancient but faithful dog. One night as the last customer leaves, he is careless as he slams the door and catches the dog's tail in it, amputating the tail. The unfortunate hound expires from the shock.

The dog goes up to Heaven. Saint Peter looks him over and says, "You can't come in without your tail. You're improperly dressed."

"But I lost the tail in the accident from which I expired", replies the dog.

"Well, you'll have to go back down and get it."

So, the dog's spirit returns to Earth, goes to the pub and bangs on the door. The landlord opens a window, leans out and shouts, "What do you want at this time of night ?"

"I've come for my tail", replies the ghostly hound.

The landlord shouts back, "You'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm not licensed to retail spirits after eleven o'clock."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: mooman
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 11:48 AM

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan...."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 09:57 PM

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 02:58 PM

Some of these toward the end have been labor intensive. Brevity being the soul of wit:

Any man who can't find what he's looking for in a hundred women, is really looking for a boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 07:19 PM

But, for sheer ecstasy, a melon!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 01:53 AM

What ever turns you on Brucie.

A young man returns to the little town of Slobodka, after a three year absence in Paris. He was an apt student & sophisticated in matters of sex. He marries his childhood sweetheart and on the wedding night goes thru a series of manual, oral & anal gymnastics, which end as he stands on the footboard of the bed and makes a perfect swan-dive into vaginal coitus with her. She complains to her parents, and they take her to the local Rabbi. He is so shocked by the story, he hits the groom on the head with the Talmud and declares the marriage annulled.The young man appeals the case to the head Rabbi in St. Petersberg. The bride's father appears and describes in detail the wedding night's gymnastics. The old Rebby listens, rubbing his beard and finally announces the groom was within his rights and the marriage is valid. "But our Rabbi said --" the Father begins to expostulate. "My dear man," says the Rabbi sympathetically,"What would a little Rabbi in Slabodka know about fancy fucking?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 04:41 PM

Mickey191: you are a sick man. Good joke. But a ripe melon.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:09 PM

Why are Episcopaleans bad at chess?





















Because they can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,ron
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:36 PM

how do you get a one armed polish man out of a tree








Wave to him

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:40 AM

WARNING FOR OUR WOMEN FRIENDS!!

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM!

Please send this to all of the women you know!!
WARNING!!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he
asks you to show him your boobs:
DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!
This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I had heard
about this before yesterday...... I feel so stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:52 AM

But they were very nice!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:01 AM

And now Brucie you see the error of your ways--I'm a goil. Thanks for the compliment. I should have invited you in for a cup of tea. I had a nice ripe Honeydew.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 02:21 PM

Mickey191,

lmao

You are indeed a character. If I'd known, I'd have sung a song, for music hath charms to soothe the savage breast.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 08:14 AM

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?!
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 12:58 PM

Old Lady knocks on the Hells Angels Clubhouse Door. Fellow who's Big, tatooed and dressed in leather answers and asks what she wants. "I want to join the Angels, want to ride with you." He laughs & begins to ask questions: Where's your bike-what kind-what do you do for fun-do you drink? Old Lady replies: "I have a Harley Hog, I can keep up with you guys any day of the week, I love weed, I drink 150 proof tequila." The fellow is impressed and asks one last question: "Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung by my nipples a few times."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 01:23 PM

A lady stops into a pet shop and sees a beautiful McCaw parrot for $99.
She asks the salesman " why so cheap?".

Salesman explains the the bird came from a house of prostitution and
sometimes uses coarse language.

The lady, not being that sensitive to such things, quickly agreed to buy
parrot, and took it home.

When her daughter came home from school and walked through the
front door, the bird yelled out at full volume "new whore, new whore".

The daughter cracked up laughing and agreed that the bird was a
welcome addition to the household.

Later, her husband came home and was greeted by "Hi Fred!".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 04:14 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/bushprovis1a.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:13 PM

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his
wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true
or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 10:53 PM

lol. Great.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:06 AM

A saleswoman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine I got for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says,

"Good trade."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:10 AM

While the man savored a double martini at the local bar, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice.

The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" she asked.

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:24 AM

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Deda
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:52 AM

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a Howard Dean fan."

The teacher asks why he's a Howard Dean fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom and my Dad are Howard Dean fans, so I'm a Howard Dean fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom
was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 01:08 AM

Deda, That Johnny is one smart kid! Too bad he can't vote.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: McMusic
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 02:44 AM

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs that is in rut?
A: Still f***ing no eye deer.

ANOTHER ONE:
Three men are standing before St. Peter.
"How much did you earn last year?" He asked the first soul.
"St. Peter, I made $275,000."
"What did you do for a living?" St. Peter then asked.
"I was a doctor."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

He repeated the question to the second soul.
"St. Peter," the second soul replied, "I made $150, 000."
"What did you do for a living to make tha much?"
"Why, St. Peter, I was a lawyer."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

The third soul now stepped up.
"And how much money did you make last year"
St. Peter, I made $10, 000."
To which, St. Peter then asked, "What musical instrument did you play?

Cheers.
Kevin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:27 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog say's it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what on earth is it?" The bank manager replies, "It's a knick-knack Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:33 PM

GROAN! I saw that one coming from a long way off. . . and I still read it! Very well done!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 08:51 PM

Why don't WASPs like orgies?
Too many thank-you notes to write.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 09:00 PM

How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?

She's the one kissing the golden retriever.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 12:25 AM

So, a panda walks into a bar...orders a sandwich, refuses to pay, draws a gun and fires it at the waitress, and takes off. The bartender looks up "panda" in the encyclopedia: it says, "Eats shoots and leaves."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 02:47 PM

In the 1950s a music critic was asked to go see a new saxophone
player at a local club. This was the umpteenth sax player he had
endured in the recent years.

One of the player's friends came up regularly and asked questions
like "what do you think of his style?" and "how about his tone?". When
the fan asked the critic "what do you think of his execution?", the
man replied "I'm in favor of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:14 PM

A flasher was running through the park, where he approached a bench with three little old ladies.

He stopped, flashed open his raincoat, and the first little old lady had a stroke. He flashed the second old lady, and she had a stroke.

He flashed the third little old lady, but she couldn't reach that far.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:22 PM

SueB: That joke was originally about a tired old prostitute and a Koala Bear, and was in vastly worse taste than your version. Vastly.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 05:16 PM

Fellow wants the local police to arrest his neighbor for petty theft. Cop asks,"What did he steal?" Guy says, "My wife---a piece at a time."


Very picky lady is reviewing the dinner menu and can't decide. Waiter says, "The tongue is very tasty tonight." She says, "Do you think I would put something in my mouth that has been in somebody elses mouth?" He thinks a moment and says,"How about an egg sandwich?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 11:12 PM

Peter. Eew. The mind boggles. Speaking of bad taste,

"Mom, why does the dog keep licking his a**hole?"
"He's trying to get the taste of your father's meatballs out of his mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 02:06 AM

A longer one:

Mother to her daughter:
"And always remeber - the ideal man man to marry must be thrifty, stupid and chaste."
After a long weekend the daughter tells her mother:
"Mummy, I think I have found him!
He is thrifty: he rented only one room for us both.
He is stupid: He put the pillow under my butt.
And he is chaste: He had him still wrapped in plastic."

And here a short one, musical:
Two trombone players are passing a pub ...

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: gnu
Date: 26 Nov 03 - 06:01 AM

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's toilet!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 12:50 PM

I don't know if this is an urban legend, or a true story. I hope it's true -- but it's so good, it doesn't really matter.

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.

Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled
over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to
draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The embarrassed thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:14 PM

I heard the other day that Rick Fielding was parked downtown and halfway to the bank when he remembered that he'd left his car door unlocked and his banjo sitting out in plain view on the back seat.

He turned around and rushed back, but it was already too late.

Somebody had already gotten there first and there were three more banjos tossed on top of his.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:51 PM

May not qualify as a new joke 'cos I whipped it from another website, but I think it's worth passing on.

"It's all about training ...

Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively ... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to."


Taliban 'Roos ??

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 08:00 PM

Schwarzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 02:10 PM

This just in:

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 10:41 AM

An old maid tells the young lawyer who's making her will that she has ten thousand dollars. She wants five thousand put aside for burial costs, and the rest is for him --- if he'll spend the night with her---so that she will not die a virgin. Three days later the lawyer hasn't come home. His wife goes to the old maid's house and demands. "Where's my husband?" " He's here. I decided to let the town bury me."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 09:24 PM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING....

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 11:10 PM

Have not thought of this one in years-but Rapaire's post above brought it to mind.

Old lady goes to the butcher shop for a chicken. Tells the butcher,"bout 4 pounds, nice & plump."He brings one out to her on butcher's paper, she checks it over, no feathers, nice & white, she spreads the legs and puts her nose in the cavity and takes a deep breath to see if it's fresh. The butcher is ticked off & says, "Hey Lady, do you think you could you pass that test?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Tim
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 03:43 PM

About 20 years ago a Northern Ireland unionist politician said that "all Catholics should be incinerated". Henceforth he was known a a burn again Christian. (This is a true one!)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 06:07 PM

Did he get reelected?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:00 PM

Subject: hotel soap

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if
I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the **** left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one **** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:58 PM

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Queensland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week but this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and we will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish…

He says "Yes, a lot of Trout, some Redfin, and a few Catties. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies. "I did, they were in your tacklebox!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 08:01 PM

Back in the day..

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

I remember promising myself that when I got old, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But..Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

I hate to say it - but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves. And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen - and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox; it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napster. You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself, or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up.

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn, you had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11.

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal. We didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square, you had to use your imagination. There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! You could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died - just like LIFE.

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels, and there was no on-screen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on - and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...We had to wait ALL WEEK to watch them, you spoiled little bastards!

Kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God. You guys wouldn't lasted five minutes back in 1984!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 09:58 PM

Good One Bill!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:53 AM

One woman says to another, "I want to have a baby more then anything, I see your pregnant, did you do anything special?" Lady replies, "I went to a faith healer." First woman says, "My husband & I did that too." Her friend answered, "Next time go alone."

Young fellow to store clerk, "I'm looking for a present for my aunt, she's very rich & very old." Clerk thought a moment & then said, "How about some floor wax?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM

"The bishop is a long time coming" said the Duchess. Pouring tea with her left hand.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

"Two Men And One Woman...."

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian Men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/store/ restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees and customers for their store.

- The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a darn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this heaven-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:38 PM

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction
rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7
in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless
message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through
extreme brevity.

Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But ! we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Now, isn't that better than "Your computer has performed an illegal
operation"?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:45 PM

The Abbott & Costello routine "Who's on first" revisited!

ABBOTT:   Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT:   Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT:   Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT:   You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT:   The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT:   Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT:   No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT:   Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT:   No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.
What do you have to help me track of my money?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT:   Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT:   No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT:   Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT:   Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT:   Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT:   Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT:   If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT:   Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT:   No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home usiness.
You know - accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT:   Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT:   More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT:   I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT:   No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT:   Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 11:17 PM

LOL!! Brings back fond memories of the days long ago when I actually talked to people who had that sort of question!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:33 PM

Carnation Milk

A little lady from Wisconsin had worked around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk -- with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or '50s?), she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

================================



Carnation milk is best of all,

no tits to pull, no shit to haul,

no stalls to wash, no hay to pitch,

just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:11 PM

Working For the Government

You know you work for the government when:

The process becomes more important than the product

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you
know nothing about

You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one
answering them.

You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+
people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym

You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms

You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its
importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3
years, but have had 3 different business cards

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:54 PM

Dang!! Someone's been spilling the Inner Workings of Gumint Handbook to the public!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:41 PM

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the woman in the first car doesn’t notice it. A man in the car behind her is watching traffic pass around them. He starts pounding on his steering wheel and yelling at the woman to move. The woman doesn’t move. The man is going ballistic inside his car, ranting and raving at the woman, pounding on his steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the man begins to blow the car horn, flips her off, and screams profanity and curses at the woman.

The woman looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The man is beside himself, screaming in frustration as he misses his chance to get through the intersection. As he is still in mid-rant he hears a tap on his window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells him to turn off his engine while keeping both hands in sight. Then the policeman orders him to exit his car with his hands up. He gets out of the car and is ordered to turn and place his hands on his car. He turns, places his hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. He is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where he is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. He is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with his personal effects. He hands him the bag containing his things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the lady off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at her. Then I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

“So, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to buy lottery tickets instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"

"Will you use the money to buy a ticket to the Chiefs game?" the man asked.

"Are you crazy?" the homeless man replied. "I wouldn't pay to see folks beat upon other folks. I have seen enough of that on the streets."

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, ball games, gambling, and fishing."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:24 PM

IT'S TIME TO GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL IF...


You consider it a culinary success when the Pop-Tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors'to eat.

Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bio-hazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:00 PM

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, “Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The officer replies, “The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Nigeria, and now the NBC White House reporter Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for the sexual innuendo he made to her at his recent press conference. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”

The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”

The officer replies, “About 14 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

how about a poem for the season?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by
name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM

Travel warnings---

Canadians in Australia

Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.

"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:14 PM

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 100 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob reaches in his wallethands her 100 dollars
and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 100 dollars
he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:20 PM

Bill D: And when I was a kid, if ya didn't wake up Christmas day with a hard on ya just didn't have anything to play with. Times was tough.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM

Corporate lesson 2

A minister was driving along and saw a woman from his congregation on the side of the road,he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her dress to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The minister had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
She looked at him and immediately said, "Remember Psalm 129?"
The minister was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The lady once again looked at him and said, "You really should remember Psalm 129!"
Once again the minister apologized. "Sorry, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the woman got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:28 PM

(LOL, brucie)

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:37 PM

Pregnant lady knitting and saying out loud 'one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one ...' neighbour interrupts 'why the Thalidomite tablet?' Answer, 'I'm not good at sleeves'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:11 PM

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

The bartender said, "Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 10:37 PM

A grasshopper walks into a cocktail bar. The bartender looks up and says "it's funny you should come in, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper, mystified, says, "What? Eric?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:47 PM

The groom asks the best man if there is any sure test to find out of the bride is a virgin. He's told to take a bucket of blue paint & a bucket of red paint & a small shovel on the honeymoon. "Paint one ball blue & one ball red, and then if she says, "That's the funniest pair of balls I've ever seen." "Hit her over the head with the shovel!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:08 AM

Little Johnny (smartass & hero of many jokes) is a little tired of being the only one in his class not to benefit from his teachers kindness.
Every Friday she declares a quiz question, and the first to answer it correctly gets to leave early.
One Friday Johnny goes prepared with two ping-pong balls painted black.
Once the teacher announces that it's time for the weekly quiz Johnny bounces the balls to the front of the room.
"O.k. says the teacher, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Sammy Davies Junior, Miss, see you Monday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:52 AM

Well the festive season's almost here, so here's a seasonal one I heard recently:

Father Christmas goes into a pizza takeaway & asks for a pizza.

The assistant asks how he wants it.

'Deep pan, crisp & Even'!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 12:07 PM

An other pizza joke.

The Dalai Lama goes to Pizza Hut.

Assistant asks what he'd like.

Dalai Lama asks what's on offer.

'There's cheese & tomato, ham & pepperoni, garlic sausage & pineapple,........'

Dalai Lama ponders then says brightly 'Make me one with everything!'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 02:16 PM

A young fellow takes a summer job at a lumber camp in the north woods. He arrives on Sunday afternoon, so no one will be working till Monday, and several of the guys are showing him around the camp. As it's getting near supper, they stop at the mess hall and decide to see what's for supper.
   The cook can be seen thru the door to the kitchen, making hamburgers....but the new arrival is floored by what he sees. The cook is a fat, sweaty bloke with no shirt on, and he is grabbing balls of ground meat in his bare hands and shoving them in his armpit and giving a big "SQUEEZE", and plopping the semi-flattened patty onto the grill!

"Oh, my God!", gasps the young man, "did you see that? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen? Do you eat those?"

"Well, he's the only one here willing to cook," says one big lumberjack, "and he does use good meat....we get used to it."

"But that IMAGE", says the kid.."I don't know how I can face the meal!"

"Well", says another guy, "then you'd probably better not watch him make doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:04 PM

The Top 10 Problems With Holding an Election in Hell


10) Polls are inconveniently located hovering above lakes of flaming pig shit.

9) Sub-Demons always stuffing the ballot boxes with the bodies of atheists, televangelists, and sit-com writers.

8) Results are always the same:
    49.9% Hitler
    49.9% Idi Amin
      0.2% Michael Eisner

7) You'd think Satan would take your Write-in Jesus gag campaign pin in the spirit it was intended, but the thousand rabid possums feeding upon your charred flesh would suggest otherwise.

6) Harder to get unbiased election results by radio with all the stations set to Limbaugh, 24/7.

5) Low voter turnout because the first Tuesday in November is also Disembowel a Telemarketer Day.

4) Having to shovel snow after a Ralph Nader victory.

3) Tough to concentrate on a debate while your feet are nailed to the floor nuts are being ratcheted to the ceiling.

2) Who cares who wins? You're in Hell! There's still that little matter of eternal damnation.

and the Number 1 Problem With Holding an Election in Hell...

1) Due to confusing ballot layout, many voters who intended to select "Beer and a Cheeseburger" mistakenly choose "Rectal Banjo Insertion".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:37 PM

that all seems perfectly reasonable to me, except that I don't think possoms GET rabies...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:41 PM

The young couple were walking on a lovely summer's evening, wanting privacy they thought of the nearby cemetery. They proceeded in and found a huge tombstone which had been knocked over. The girl lay on the tombstone. They kissed each other passionately and nature took it's course. The next morning the girl awakened with a terrible pain in her back. She asked her mother to massage her back. As she lay on her stomach, her Mother looked her over & said, "Susie, your back looks fine, but your ass died in 1892."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 02:59 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:46 AM

Three sons left home and each prospered. When they got back together, they boasted about the gifts they were able to buy their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a chauffer. Beat that"

The second said, "I built a big house for mother. Beat that"

The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how mother always enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her an amazing large parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests 12 years to teach him. All mother has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon after, their mother sent her letters of thanks: To he first son she wrote, "I'm too old to travel any more so I stay at home most of the time. I rarely use the Mercedes and the chauffer is very rude!"

To her second son she wrote, "The house you built is Really too big for me. Although I live in only one room, I have to clean the whole house."

To her last son she wrote, "You've got the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
   One day, miraculously, he came to. He motioned for her to come nearer.
   As she sat beside him and held his hand, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "Darling, I know you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what that tells me?"
   "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
   "I think you're bad luck."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pied Piper
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM

How does Prince Charles remember his place when reading a book?














He bends down a page

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 07:30 PM

Well (Gawd Help Us) Christmas is comming, so I thought you all would like to know how the story of the Xmas Tree Fairy.

Once upon a time in Olde Germany there lived a Bad Baron.

Now this Bad Baron did not treat his peasents very well at all, and come Xmas they did not have anything to celibrate Yuletide with.

And the Bad Baron looked out of his castle and saw the peasents huts below and he was happy.

There was a sudden Flash !! and the Good Fairy appeared.

"Baron", she said, " Yonder peasants have no means to celebrate Christmas. Pray let me go into your woods and cut a Xmas tree for every hut"

And the Bad Barons heart was warmed, and he said "Yes !, but only one tree for every hut"

So the Good Fairy disappeared, and every hovel and hut had an Xmas Tree to celebrate Xmas.

The Good Fairy reapeared next to the bad Baron, and she had another Xmas tree in her hands.

"Baron", said the Good Fairy, "I have cut an Xmas Tree for your Castle, to bring the Yuletide spirit to you. Now where shall I put it ?"

And the Baron told the Good Fairy where she could put the extra Xmas Tree !.

And that, Boys and Girls is why the Fairy is placed at the top of a Christmas Tree.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:45 AM

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly,"everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 03:29 PM

Redneck was talkin to his son...

"Dad," said the boy, "we had us a spellin contest in school today,
and I missed on the very first word." "Damn Son", the Father said, "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, hell, no wonder you couldn't spell it, You ain't
even pronouncin' it right."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:56 AM

A Young Texan in N.Y. is very lonesome and he's about to head for home. He's about to buy his train ticket, when he spots a big fellow wearing a ten gallon hat & spurs. He follows him, only to lose him in the men's room. He's not at a urinal, finally he see his spurs under one of the doors. He realizes the fellow is sitting because he can't see his hat over the top of the door. He hears only the loud splashing sounds of urination. When the guy comes out, the Texan asks him why he sits just to urinate. The man explains,"Well son, I just had a hernia operation, and the Dr. told me not to lift anything too heavy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Butch
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:36 AM

A good looking rich guy walks into a bar, dressed to kill but with a head the size of a base ball.

The bartender asks if he was born like that, he said," No, never trust a genie in a bottle!"

He said that he had been tapped on an island when he found a bottle on the beach, as he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him three wishes. He said wish one was to be on his private 140' ocean crusier with a full crew, headed for one of his private estates to count his $500 million in cash and gold and $200 million in Swiss banks. "POOF" there he was. Next, since he was rich beyond his wildest dreams, he wanted a great body instead of his dumpy middle age self. He wanted great taste in clothing and never gain an ounce of fat regardless of what he might eat so that he could always look good. "Poof" so it was. HE could not think of a third request but the genie was really cute and he had not had sex in months. He told the bartender:

" When the third wish came all I could think of was sex, I asked the genie, How about a little head?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:50 AM

Prostitute to man: "Hi handsome! Want to have sex?"

Man to prostitute: "Sure. But only if you do it like my wife does."

Prostitute: "I can do it in any way you want it, baby. How does she do it?"

Man: "For free."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:48 PM

Irish Farmer was feeding his pigs one day, as he moved around, 3 one pound notes fell from shirt pocket. Before he could pick them up a pig had them swallowed. He took the pig to the vet & was advised that some Irish whiskey might help the pig to spit the notes up. Off he went to the pub and ordered a triple shot of Jamesons. He gave the pig the first shot and gave a little kick to the pig, & up came a pound note. There was an English tourist watching the procedure, he offered the farmer 50 quid for the pig. Farmer ignored him. He poured the second shot down the pig's throat & gave a little kick & up popped a second pound note. English man offered 100 quid for the pig. Once again he was ignored. The farmer poured the last shot, kicked the pig & the last note was popped out. English tourist says, "I'll give you 500 quid for that pig." Farmer says, "He's all yours."

A week later the farmer is reading the local
paper. The headline caught his attention:                  
ENGLISHMAN JAILED FOR KICKING A PIG TO DEATH

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:57 PM

Castro hears that there's a delegation from the Galapagos Islands coming to visit. He's delighted - especially when they arrive and they have a present for him! A cute little baby Galapagos turtle!

"This is gorgeous," says Castro. "Cosita linda!"

The Galapagos Islanders are glad he likes the turtle. "They can live for 400 years," they tell Castro. His face falls.

"Oh, that's the trouble with animals," he says. "You get so attached to them, then they go and die on you."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Seaking
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelmimg.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave , don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:


"Dave, you're a vet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 12:59 AM

>Bush in Hell
>
>One day in the future, George Dumbya Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
>"I don't know what to do" says the devil. "You're on my list, but I
>have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
>you what I'm going to do. Believe it or not I've got some folks here
>who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
>have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
>Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first
>room. In it was Ronald Reagan and the Pacific Ocean. He kept swimming
>to shore, but was pulled out by the tide over and over again. Such was
>his fate in hell. "No," George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good
>swimmer & I really don't think I could do that all day long."
>
>The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
>sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
>hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
>shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
>day," said George.
>
>The devil opened a third door. Inside, Bill Clinton was lying on a bed
>with his arms tied behind his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose.
>Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked
>in disbelief and finally said, "Yep, I can handle this."
>
>
>The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:37 AM

Priceless Amos! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:18 AM

Found this bit on another webpage - Enjoy !

Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All Done? Check your answers below!













ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ








1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.



What do you mean you failed?

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:06 PM

The old farmer came into town for the first time in years. One of the astonishing sights he saw was a bright shiny grocery store. He wandered in, doubt and cynicism on his face until he spied a pile of boxes labeled "Powdered Milk". He stood there amazed at the thought of never having to tend to his cows, no more early rising to feed and milk them, no more cutting hay, no more shoveling the manure out of the barn. He went on and stopped at a dispaly of powdered eggs. He thought about how much he would like to get rid of his laying hens. He would just keep a few chickens for meals. He would no longer have to defend the stupid birds from foxes and coyotes, no longer have to gather the eggs every day, no longer have to clean out the hen house. He wandered on, wonder in his eyes, till he saw a display of baby powder. He looked at it and said, "Nope! The old ways are best!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 12:43 PM

The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:


If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.

Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.

Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.

Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.

If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.

While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.

Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.

Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.

Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.

Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.

Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 01:08 PM

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family's Christmas dinner. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

   Christmas with Louise

   As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

   I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"

   Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

   On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

   The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

   My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

   My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

   The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

   It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

   I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Li'l Aussie Bleeder.
Date: 25 Dec 03 - 02:42 PM

Two snakes making their way across the desert. one snake says "Hey Barry are we venomous?" Barry says "Yeah, why?" 1st snake says "I dust bit my tongue!!!!!!

Merry Chrithmath all
L

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Dec 03 - 08:05 AM

Bush Has Tea With the Queen

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Mick
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 07:48 PM

With apologies to the master of the pun, El Punster Gigante, Senor Art Thieme.

TRIP TO THE DENTIST

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:09 PM

He...Darlin' I sure would to have a little pussy.

She...Me too, mine's as big as a barn.

eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM

A couple had been married for twenty years and were having their anniversary dinner when suddenly the man burst out crying.
"Why, darling, whatever is the matter?"
"You remember back in 1983 when your daddy, the sherrif, caught us screwing in the barn?'
"Yes, darling."
"And he said that I would marry you or go to jail for twenty years?"
"Yes, darling, why do you ask?"
At this response the man bawled uncontrollably,
"I would be getting out today!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 01:58 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't tink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:13 PM

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

      "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

      "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nemesis
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 06:29 PM

As it's Christmas :)
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates. "
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols
..............

George Bush was at Buckingham Palace during his State visit taking tea with the Queen: "Ma'am, I'm thinking maybe as President that I should change the way America is referred to - I thought about maybe calling it a Kingdom?"
Queen: "Well, that wouldn't be possible because Kingdoms have to have a King as Head of State and you're not a King".

Dubya thought for a bit: "How about a Principality - could I call the US a Prinicipality?"
Queen: "Again, no Mr Bush ... a Principality has a Prince as Head of State"
Dubya: "Well, mebbe an Empire - I could call it an Empire!"
Queen: "Empires have an Emperor in charge .. so you couldn't call it an empire. IN fact" She said in a queenly manner, " I think under the circumstances the United States is best referred to as a country"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 08:53 PM

Q: Why wasn't anyone surprised that Saddam Hussein was found in a spider hole?


A: Because he's an Iraqnid!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 01:01 PM

"Would you like a ticket for The Policeman's Ball?"

"I'm sorry, I don't dance."

"It's not a dance, it's a raffle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 03:48 PM

An accordion player and a banjo player are hired to play together on New Year's Eve. At the end of the party, the guy who hired them says, "You guys were great. You want to play for me again next New Year's Eve?"

The banjo player says, "Sure. Can we leave our stuff?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 11:02 AM

Wife is making coffee, husband walks by & pinches her behind and says, If you could firm that up, we could get rid of your girdle. She says nothing. Next morning as he walks by, he pinches her breast. He says if you could firm that up, we could get rid of your bra. She suddenly grabs his penis and says If you could firm this up, we could get rid of the pool man, the gardener and your brother!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 08:18 AM

Subject: Fw: Women Drivers .........


Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per
hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between
my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing
me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my
shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL



F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Johnny in OKC
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 03:01 AM

LOTTERY

A bandleader won the State Lottery. A TV crew showed up
at his house to deliver the check for $850,000 and get an
interview. "What are your plans for all that money?" they asked.

"I've always loved music, so I'm just going to stay
in the band business until all the money is gone."