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BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:25 PM I think this probably counts as stupidest answer, but what the hell: In a pub one night, I asked the barmaid what beer they had. She replied in a strong Aussie accent (nothing personal, she just was, right?) 'Ah, wey've gat Four Ix or Farsters' 'No, I mean real ale, beer'. 'Ahw, there's Wotneys' (well, it may not have been, but it was fizzy and not real ale) 'Oh,' says I, 'well could I have a bottle of barley wine please'.... blank look.... 'Is thet a house red or a Rheisling?' 'Just gimme a bottle of cider........!' LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:59 PM All of my friends at school think i've become mentally ill and they always seem toask me the question," What are you doing", ifeel this is a fairly stupid comment for you can see and probably interpret exactly what I'm doing!! -Giz (LEJ's daughter) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Ma-K Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:43 PM While looking at our new baby at the window of the nursery a new father of twins(boy and girl) came up and said " I wonder if they are identical." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: poet Date: 11 Sep 99 - 07:28 PM I walked into a book shop in Poole (Dorset) last Tuesday and asked the assistant if they have a Sci Fi section her reply I,m not sure Sir who wrote it? NUFF SAID I think Graham Hyett. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Escamillo Date: 11 Sep 99 - 05:51 AM This is also true: My friend Jorge, director of the choral ensemble of the Collegium Musicum (traditional school in Buenos Aires) gave a concert with his group at a small town school. Finalized the performance, the maintenance man approaches him, and asks: - Maestro, didn't you bring any guitar, or accordion ? - No, the choir sings a cappella, that is, with no instruments. - Oh, that's a pity, cause these people like music so much ! Andrés Magré - escamillo@ciudad.com.ar
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: wildlone Date: 10 Sep 99 - 11:32 PM I once watched an interview with Ginger Baker on TV,when he was asked"Ginger how do you play all these drums".He looked at his usual large kit and said "I hit em,with these."Holding up drumsticks the inerview seemed to fall apart after that.WL. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bill\sables Date: 10 Sep 99 - 09:11 PM While at a music stand in Whitby Folk festival last year a young boy came up to us and asked if we had any melodeon strings I said we had just run out but to go to another stand. Cheers Bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 10 Sep 99 - 03:03 PM Hi anon! that would have been funny if you'd ended it with a ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Date: 10 Sep 99 - 02:39 PM kdfjktdgftihgmgo ]m.n'h'd n..hdhy=-,,,,,,,,,,,,,po;,p=r\,o-yr0\,rhjnmk, k kr,95w5ogr-plglpyomnk,bm,onphyl\[jlj k plp[\ llp\lk - |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: BILL MCGOWAN Date: 01 Sep 99 - 05:37 PM IS THAT THE PHONE? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: KingBrilliant Date: 01 Sep 99 - 12:52 PM Oh God! I've just remembered an even more recent transgression. I was buying a plectrum in the local music shop, and asked the poor man 'What's the difference between a hard one and a soft one?'. Trapdoor NOW!!!!! Kris |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: KingBrilliant Date: 01 Sep 99 - 12:49 PM I used to have a lovely 1968 camper van. There was a problem with one of the 'bits', and I phoned round a large number of classics part suppliers asking whether they could supply me with a 'waggly stick for a BMC J4'. They were very nice to me considering.... Kris (it was the indicator stick thingy, and it had nasty acrid smoke coming out of it - I'm just a girlie and I don't know technical terms). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Alice Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:42 PM Some of you may have already heard this joke...
--- A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.' Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!' figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer!?' Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Art Thieme Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:09 PM Kendall, Sure is good to see you here. These are good folks. But I have a question for ya! Why is it that there are no tunes on any of the tracks on one of the two Folk Legacy LP you did??? (I asked a stupid question... Now the ball's in your court.) ;-) Art Thieme
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: MK Date: 31 Aug 99 - 07:37 PM A man is sitting in his seat on an airplane as passengers continue boarding. He happens to notice an extremely attractive, exquisitely dressed, buxom female walk down the isle toward him, and low and behold she takes the seat next to him. Scarcely able to control his excitement and nervousness, he decides to strike up a conversation with here. ''Business or pleasure?'' he asks. She glances over at him non-chalantly and says ''Oh, business. I'm attending the annual nymphomaniacs convention in Chicago.'' The man swallows hard, and wipes his increasingly sweaty palms on his pants, and comments ''So what is YOUR role at this convention?'' She says, ''Well, I am one of several keynote speakers, and I will be debunking several common misconceptions about sexuality.'' ''And what misconceptions are those?'' he asks. ''Well'' she says, ''the first is that a lot of people think the African American male is the most well-endowed when in actuality, it is the Native American Indian. And another common misconception is that a lot of people think that Italian men are the best lovers when actually it is the Jewish male.'' She then stops suddenly, and blushes. ''This is really embarrassing. I shouldn't be telling you this. I don't even know your name!'' The man extends his hand and says ''Allow me to introduce myself. The name is Tonto. Tonto Goldstein!'' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Jen Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:55 PM LOL. I'm glad I read these at work and not at home(there would have been tea all over my monitor at home...) Jen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bill D Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:44 PM for hours of reading about stupid questions in the computer-tech realm....try these...some TOTALLY amazing questions and comments!
http://www.auricular.com/TST//a>
http://www.ecis.com/~weasel/support/techsup.html
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: SandyBob Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:09 PM Groucho Marx and his brothers were playing the vaudeville circuit and were invited to come to the house of a local dignitary for dinner. The dignitary had several beautiful daughters. The Marx boys showed up several hours early and were enjoying the rather intimate affections of the daughters when the girl's parents arrived and found them. As Groucho climbed out a window to get away from the irate father he asked him, "this doesn't affect our dinner plans does it?" Sandy Bob |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: MMario Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:45 PM Have been expecting this one to crop up: Can someone tell me the lyrics, tune and chords for this song I heard the other day on the radio, I can't remember what show or station and I'm not sure if it was a guy or a girl singing it, but I think there was a guitar in the background? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: KathWestra Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM This one's true. About 15 years ago, my ex-hubby, Joe Hickerson, was doing a concert on the Music Pier in Ocean City, New Jersey, with David Jones and Ed Trickett. The audience was mostly elderly. The guys had just paused after doing their third or fourth song when a voice piped up from somewhere in the audience: "When's the music going to start?" Stupid question, for sure, but one that's been good for years of laughs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: MMario Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:26 PM There is a boxed in spring near my parents house, where many of the local cottagers fill water jugs. Part of the spring is piped up to form a water fountain/ bubbler for drinking. A very "typical tourist" question was "How do you shut it off?" Not a question, but again, tourists near my parents home, and I remember clearly trying to choke back laughter as the adults patiently explained to their children about the "Daddy Swans, Mommy swans and baby swans" as they pointed to the swans, white geese and white ducks.
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Marion Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:16 PM My friend used to be a tour guide at some place in Toronto. An American visitor once asked her, "Are you close to England up here? I kept seeing signs for London." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:11 PM A couple were arguing about the pronunciation of the word "Hawaii" while on a flight to Honolulu. He insisted it was pronounced "Ha-VAH-ee" and she was just as sure it was "Ha-WAH-ee". He finally turns to the man in the seat across the aisle, saying "excuse me, sir, but how do you pronounce H-a-w-a-i-i ?" The man smiles and responds "Ha-VAH-ee". The man grins and says "Ah-HA! I thought so! Thanks!" "You're velcome," the man says. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:09 PM Thanks 'spaw, I mean really, thanks. Don't know how many nose tricks the ol' sinuses can take in one day. Laughing like hell myself. E.S. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:53 PM No comment Bert Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:44 PM I got that story from Gordon Bok's brother Tony, so, cant vouch for its authenticity |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM Seeing as we're (well I am anyway) including funny answers. We were shopping in a supermarket in Huntsville Alabama and I asked the girl "Do you have any imported Romano Cheese?" She says "This is imported" I pointed out that the label said "Product of USA" She replied "Well we get it from Atlanta" Bert. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:51 PM Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry. We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words, but it's better than using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my fuckin' dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:42 PM Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry. We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words but it's better using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Margo Date: 31 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM Dave's advice is sound. With each outburst of laughter this morning, my daughter came and looked curiously in my face, echoing hehe. Funny girl.
That story by Kendall was something that actually happened to some friends of mine. They were coming into Kissamee Florida and wondering how to pronounce it. They stopped off to eat, and asked the kid behind the counter to pronounce clearly and slowly the place they were in, and the kid said Bur-ger Kiiinngg. They still laugh about it to this day. My dad asked a waitress while ordering breakfast what was the difference between Canadian bacon and ham. The waitress said that there really wasn't any difference, but that's what they call it in Canada. Hmmmmmm. We thought that was pretty funny.
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:41 AM IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP : Do not read 'spaw's posting while drinking your morning coffee, as this could lead to burns in the hypopharynx and nares as you do the nose trick with the A.M. french roast. LMAO. I'm with Peter T. here, I want to know about the uniform. I can imagine an overseas cap, bow tie, striped short-sleeve shirt, Snap-on Tools pocket protector with tire gauge and two ball points, belt buckle worn to the side so as not to scratch the fender, pressed pants of a dark-don't-show-the-smudges-color, and stout shoes. Uh, wait a minute, that's about what I'm wearing at work today. 'spaw, you got any pictures? E.S. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:19 AM neat? 'Spaw??? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Peter T. Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:16 AM Spaw, hilarious, at least as funny as heron jokes!!yours, Peter T. (p.s. Did you have a neat mechanics uniform and everything?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:12 AM A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:11 AM A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:03 AM A young woman bought an old Jaguar to be different. First trip out it died on the road. Really pissed, she called the dealer. Out came a mechanic. While he was fixing it, she took a walk. Short time later it was purring like a kitten, she asks, "What was wrong with it?" "oh, just shit in the carburetor." "Well, damn.. how often do I have to do that?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 09:50 AM So it's a pleasant summer afternoon and I've had to run out to our freeway station to fix a stranded traveller's car. Before going back to the shop, I'm having a coke and BSing with a couple of our gasjocks out front. Remember those days? Complete underhood check, clean windshield and rear window, and you sat in your car and didn't have to do a thing, all for about 35 cents a gallon! Anyway, a new Buick deuce and a quarter drives in and the guy gets out dressed in expensive sports clothes, the woman waits in the car. He looks distastefully at us and asks,
"How much farther is it to St. Louis?" This wasn't really a stupid question, but one we didn't hear often since we were on the far east side of Columbus, Ohio. I'd just been out that way a little before, so I answered, "Oh, I'd say it's about 500 miles or thereabouts." Stanley Snappy looks at me like I'm an idiot and quite nastily says, "That's ridiculous." I'm immediately pissed, but keep it "quiet." Stanley continues, "It can't be that far!" The rest of the conversation was close to this:
ME: Well, I dunno', it's something like that. .......and for the first time, I actually empathized with this idiot. His personality had changed about 180 degrees in 10 seconds and I had a feeling it was going to be a REAL LONG DRIVE to St. Louis. As they drove out, we watched to see if they got on 70 West...they did. Dan turned to me and said, "He must have borrowed the car." I asked why he thought so. "Anybody that dumb couldn't have a job to pay for it." He was probably right. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bob schwarer Date: 31 Aug 99 - 07:29 AM "You need to back up your hard drive" "How do I put it in reverse"? Bob S. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Joe Offer Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:46 AM A long, long time ago, we had a thread on the song called Foolish QuestionsGood song.-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:53 PM Art, you reminded me of another one. I once made a whitewater canoe trip down the Rockcastle River in Southern Kentucky with my friends Dennis, Bob, and Bob's girlfriend Marti. We rented canoes from a company that insisted on "experienced whitewater canoeists ONLY", although Marti had never been in a canoe in her life. We rode to the put-in with the Canoe rental guy, and assured him that all four of us were seasoned rapids-runners. We loaded up just above the first rapids,were wished good luck by the rental man, and had pushed out from the bank when Marti turns to Bob and says " Which way do we go?" Dennis and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Art Thieme Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:27 PM When I was working as the resident folksinger on a couple of excursion steamboats on the Mississippi River, a newly boarded passenger came up to me and asked, seriously, "What river is this???"-----I mean, she and her husband had to have long-standing reservations for this trip. They had to drive several hundred miles to get to the boarding town in Iowa. But she had no clue what they were doing there. I was pretty amazed. Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 30 Aug 99 - 10:22 PM You're right about the waitresses Bert.....or waiters. I tip based on sense of humor and personality and not on service.........I know, A)You're surprised I tip at all; B)No I don't give tips like "Avoid the Clap" or "Don't play the ponies";C)Yes, I'm aware that tipping for laughs isn't really the way to do it............Now all that said, I do love those people who will joke right back atcha'!!! My favorite "gauge" comes from a line used repeatedly by Elwood Dowd in "Harvey." When the waitress asks, "Can I get you anything else?" my question back is, "What did you have in mind?" The real players are great, the dimbulbs stare.........Such is life and the "Catspaw Tipping Method" Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bbc Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:57 PM In my case, I was the one who asked the most stupid question, but we've always enjoyed the answer. I was at a big mall, shopping w/ my best friend. As we walked toward the door of a large store, preparing to leave, & were trying to figure out the location of my car, I turned to my friend and asked, "Where am I?" A child who was playing nearby overheard me & volunteered the helpful information, "You're in Sears, lady!" We have chuckled over it many times through the years. How often we express ourselves imprecisely! bbc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Banjer Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM Yes it is, that is of course if you're saying 'Bring Your Own Bed' Catspaw could tell you more about that. When he was in the hospital and moved out of ICU it was reported that he had been put on the floor. I bet he wished he had brought his own bed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: sophocleese Date: 30 Aug 99 - 08:27 PM Oh Goody!! Is it BYOB? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Margo Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:25 PM You don't know whether or not you're married to someone??? I think there is a room reserved for you at the Niel Young Center...... :0o |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: sophocleese Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:17 PM Gee, I don't know Bert. Does he pipe? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 30 Aug 99 - 05:06 PM OK! OK! Seeing as we're talking about stupid questions ....I'll ask it.... Sophocleese - Are you married to John Cleese? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:37 PM A very mediocre Denver Broncos center was taking listener questions on a local talk show. One caller says " Tom, I wonder if you can tell me what size shoe Howie Long wears?( Howie being the All-Pro Oakland Raiders linebacker)." Tom replies "I wouldn't have a clue." The listener responds " why don't you just measure the imprint in the middle of your chest." Maybe not such a stupid question after all. Once a business associate and I were checking out of a hotel. We were halfway to the car with our bags when the desk clerk came running up with my friends American Express card, exclaiming "Hey! You forgot this!" As my friend reaches out to take it, the guy pulls it away and says "sorry. I'll have to see some I.D. first." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM Many years ago, my good friend Gordon Bok did a concert in Camden Maine, and, as we were leaving, an elderly lady said to him"You have a lovely voice, you really should do someting with it." When I was in the US Fish & Wildlife service checking catches on a Portland dock, a tourist was interested in the goings on, and he asked me "How far off shore do they have to go to catch Finnan Haddie?" honest. |