BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jun 08 - 08:48 AM

"Parking Meters"

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 08 - 09:33 AM

Science Exam Children's science exam answers


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 May 08 - 08:56 AM

OK, learned some new old ones:

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in your arms?

Carrie!

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsshhh!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 May 08 - 10:39 AM

SOME WORDS OF WISDOM

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

    If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'Theirs.'   
   
    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.   

    Some people try to turn back their personal odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
   
    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
   
    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
   
    Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
   
    First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
    Today, it's called golf!
      
    Lord,
    Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 May 08 - 09:34 AM

Country Wisdom:

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. (Males this is for you Especially)


Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.


Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers
or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.


Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers and politicians Without creating a hostile work environment.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:23 AM

Probably posted here before, but I don't remember where:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

John

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 19 May 08 - 01:08 AM

Seen recently:

Five tips for a woman:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.





5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

John

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 18 May 08 - 04:48 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 May 08 - 06:57 AM

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:26 AM

"In Charge"

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 May 08 - 08:23 AM

"Change"

The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change.

Ten years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I will see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. Brown, you change with Schultz….

"Change! Now, get on with it."

A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink remains.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 May 08 - 07:49 PM

MEN: Natural-Born Cooks (THE BBQ RULES)
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

First, of course, there's some routine stuff...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine stuff...

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Still more routine...

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:56 PM

Warning - Blonde Joke!
Two blonde girls were working for the town public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 09 May 08 - 03:29 PM

Francis was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Francis had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary yelled back, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 May 08 - 04:53 PM

A man takes his family to a restaurant for a birthday meal. They decided to try a swish new restaurant in the town centre. As they are shown to their table, the man is impressed by the quiet efficiency of all the staff.

When the waiter has taken their order, the man says to him, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing all the waiters carry a dessert spoon in their top pockets. Why is this?"

"Well, sir," the waiter replies, "it's all about efficiency. We noticed that the item most frequently forgotten when setting the table is the spoon. We all carry a spoon to save time going back to the kitchen to get one."

"Very good," says the man, "but I have one more question. I also noticed a piece of string attached to the zip on the fly of your trousers. What's the purpose of that?"

The waiter leans forward and replies softly, "There are actually two strings – one attached to the zip and one to the tool. It's all about efficiency. When we use the toilet, if we can avoid touching the tool, there is no need to stop to wash one's hands – this saves a great deal of precious time."

The man replies "That's a great idea…but tell me, how do you put the tool away?"

The waiter leans forward again. "Personally sir, I use the spoon."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 07 May 08 - 09:55 AM

Smart Cajuns!

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, 'I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night.'

'Well, den,' said Boudreaux, 'jus' give my money back, yeah.'

'I can't do that, sir. I went and spent it already.'

'OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey.'

'What are you gonna do with him?'

'I'm gon to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!'

'Well, dat's where you wrong! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!'

A month later, the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.'

'Didn't anyone complain?'

'Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,melinda
Date: 05 May 08 - 12:22 PM

I heard that Pepsi Co. just fired a whole bunch of employees.


They tested positive for Coke.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 10:37 AM

"Sunday Drive with Mom"

A father who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his seven-year-old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and he really did not feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl eagerly ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes, Daddy," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We did not see a single dumb bastard or stupid a-hole!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 08 - 09:48 AM

"Going to the Zoo with Dad"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great!" little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:05 AM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000-square-foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame! What a disappointment!"

The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

"And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 05 May 08 - 04:04 AM

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song:
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:36 PM

A secretary came back from lunch to find her boss standing in front of the new shredder, looking mystified, with a piece of paper in his hand. "How do you work this thing?" he asked.

Without saying a word, she took the paper from him, fed it into the slot, and pressed the button. (It was the only button on the front of the machine.) The machine started to whirr, and the paper disappeared into it.

"Great!" he said. "Now, I'd like three copies."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Becca72
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 06:11 PM

Three women—one engaged, one married, and one a mistress—are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men: that night all three will wear an S&M-style leather suit, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather suit, 4-inch stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated, "Oh, yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather suit, stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said, "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather suit, stilettos, and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, sat down on the couch and said, "Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM

"Company Security"

Several years ago I worked for a small company that
had frequent break-ins. In response, the company
installed a new security system with alarms, codes
and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police
raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering
around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended
a suspect. Since I am the Security Director, I got the
first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy.
He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows
nothing about your business."

"Oh," I said, "that's probably the President. You better
let him go."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 11:52 PM

LOL, Bonnie, thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 07:06 AM

It's back in the summer of 1960 and Jack goes to Peggy Sue's house to pick her up for a date. He's a very cool guy because he has his own car and a black leather jacket and his hair is slicked back into a d.a. He rings the doorbell but Peggy Sue's mother answers.

"Peggy Sue isn't quite ready yet. Why don't you come in and have a seat?"

Not an offer Jack can refuse, so he goes in and sits down on the couch. Peggy Sue's mother asks him what they plan to do on their date.

"Well, uh... we'll probably go down to the drugstore and have a soda, then maybe we'll see a movie..."

Peggy Sue's mother asks brightly, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear everyone's doing it."

Jack, not able to believe his ears, just says, "Excuse me, Ma'am?"

"That's right," smiles Peggy Sue's mother. "Peggy Sue just loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Jack's smile gets a bit broader and a lot more sincere. He immediately begins to revise his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Breathless with anticipation, Jack escorts his date out the door while Mom says, "Have a good evening - hope you two enjoy yourselves."

About twenty minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue comes rushing back into the house, her hair a mess, her blouse askew. She glares for a moment and then says,

"Motherrrrrrrr - how many times do I have to tell you? It's called THE TWIST !!"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:05 PM

Thanks, GS. A friend sent it to me in response to the Shaggy Hound story I sent him.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:28 PM

The origin of your joke Kat:-


Saint Peter wanted a whole day off,
From his work at the pearly gates.
To go and play a game of golf,
With some of his heavenly mates.

"Jesus" he said "Your dad told me,
I could have a day of rest.
If someone would stand in for me,
Could you? It's not a test."

"Of course" said Jesus, "willingly,
But who would I keep out?
Best write a list for me St Pete,
In case there's any doubt."

The following morning Jesus stood,
At the pearly gates for Pete.
Sent some away and let some in,
The list was near complete.

Then Jesus saw an aged man,
With long grey hair and beard.
Someone He thought he recognised,
The feeling was quite wierd.

"Come to take your place"? he asked
The old man He thought He knew.
"I'm searching for my son" said the man,
"My search has been long and true"

"What did you do on earth old man"
Asked Jesus with due haste.
"A brilliant carpenter" he said,
"I furnished many a place".

Jesus looked at the man again,
Who he really thought he knew.
"How would you know this son"? he asked,
As He sought another clue.

"That's really easy" the old man said,
You'll know him if you meet.
He's the only one I've ever seen,
with holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus became excited now,
As any person can.
"Father"? Jesus asked him,
"Pinnocio"? asked the man!.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:17 PM

Two guys in doctor's waiting room.

1st guy, 'Hi there Joe. What are you sseing the Doc about?'

Joe, embarrassed, 'I've only got one testicle. I'm getting married and I want to know if I can father children.'

1st guy, 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. You'll be fine. I know a few guys who only have one testicle, and it's never stopped them fathering kids. As a matter of fact my cousin has odd-shaped testicles and he's got six kids.'

Joe, intrigued, 'Odd-shaped testicles? Really?'

1st guy, 'Yeah, one's small and cube-shaped like a dice, and one's big and round like a pool ball.' He becomes thoughtfull before adding, 'The other three are perfect.'

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:59 AM

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 10:46 PM

99, 100, Change Threads!


:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 09:49 AM

A variant on Guest Rich's joke:

Q: How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm not sure...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...One?...Five?...

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 08:22 AM

Amazing simple home remedies:



1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.



2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.



3. Avoid arguments with the ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.



7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.




Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Apr 08 - 12:02 AM

"don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace""

Mace would seem like a pretty good name for a Pit Bull Terrier...

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,RIch
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:35 PM

A scientist invents a headband that will allow her to hear the thoughts of people just by looking at them. She's been working in the lab for months and now, with success at hand, she decides she deserves a night out. She goes to the local bar and finds that a band is playing there. She can't help but to try out her new headband. FIrst she looks at the guitar player and hears "Man, check me out. Every girl in the bar is hanging on every note I play!" Then the pianist. "He's sure impressed with himself. I do more with one hand." The drummer, "I'm doing all the work and everyone pays attention to the guitar!"

The bassist, "C...G...C...G"

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 05:12 PM

I do have to add that Uncle Dave always has a well-crafted version of a joke. His shaggy hound story caught my interest, as it 'developed' the idea well, instead of being compressed down to a 10 second sound bite, like several of those in the link.

I like those stories even better when they don't require some odd, contrived name like "Mace" to make the pun.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 08 - 08:57 AM

That one was on Mudcat as a Shaggy Hound Story... I laughed quite a lot, unfortunately!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 10:00 PM

Now look Bill, dont get your muds wordled!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 09:21 PM

I think the internet is bad for the development of humor

look at this!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 08 - 08:32 PM

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago,
worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy
there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally
had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and
was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a
visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we
are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting
to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think
about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't
matter which twelve hours you work."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 07:26 AM

A patient absconded from a mental institution and made his way to the local town where he entered the laundrette. Whilst in there he raped two women and then propmptly ran off. The headlines in the paper the following day:-


Nut screws washers and bolts!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mooh
Date: 21 Apr 08 - 06:30 AM

How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two. One to hold the bulb and the others to drink until the room spins.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 08 - 12:44 PM

WHY GOD MADE MOMS         
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work and work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power, 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?   (I really like this one!)
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair.. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get RID of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: alanabit
Date: 16 Apr 08 - 03:17 AM

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the next race, and it won again.

The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

Next day the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted headline read:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 10 euros.

The day after the headline read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 EUROS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he Ordered the nun to buy back
The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.

The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 09:42 PM

Love it, Uncle DaveO!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 07:02 PM

LOL! SO worth the read!

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 15 Apr 08 - 12:18 AM

That was AWFUL Uncle_DaveO. *Big Grin*

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 08 - 09:49 PM

A Shaggy Hound Story

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench.

To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was.

While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him.

Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.

As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.

One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 07:56 PM

You forgot about the wolf thinking that if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then the cat concentrates on catching the mouse and I could catch the cat for my lunch ...


;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 3rd Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM

"Summer Thinking (or, Who Will Be Refreshed?)"

In the heat of summer, a fly was resting on
a leaf beside a lake.

A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh, if I go down three inches I will feel the
mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly comes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will
jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the
bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that
bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one
bank of a lake. But I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and
that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs
for that fish, this dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich, and I can have it for
lunch!"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks
of this particular lake around lunch time: "Gosh,
if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that
fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have
a mouse for lunch!"