BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 12:40 AM

Eep, it rears it's ugly head again.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: LadyJean
Date: 02 Jan 04 - 12:07 AM

Is she still there? Isn't she cold? It gets beyond chilly up in Newfoundland in January.
My sister goes to considerable trouble and effort to find a truly horrible CD for me every Christmas. I was saving this year's as a birthday gift for a friend. But I could send it to you instead.
Do you know where my former housemate, Donald Myron is? I think he's in Newfoundland, now, it being his birthplace, and I'd like to know what he wants me to do with the stuff he left here.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 05:24 PM

jayzus jOhn ...you coulda made yer own spaghetti in that amount of time, without all the mess. Forget the microwave - it's a tool of the devil. Here's what you do:

1. Boil some water
2. When it's rolling like the sea during hurricane season, toss in some dry spaghetti. Toss in a pinch of salt too if you want.
3. Let it cook about 10 minutes (about the same amount of time you hiroshima'ed - pardon the political incorrectness - the packaged crap you put in the microwave)
4. Pour off the water (be careful here..please be really really careful)
5. Throw the spaghetti on a plate - nah, hell - forget that. Save washing a dish. Just smother everything in the pot with a jar of spaghetti sauce. Feel free to be creative here. You can cut up onion, mushrooms, garlic, whatever you fancy, and throw it in there too. Mix everything up real good, and eat it right out of the pot (reward yourself for being thrifty- remember, you didn't have to wash a plate).
6. If you really feel frisky, you can heat up some of that garlic bread in the oven while all the other stuff is going on. I usually just eat mine with white bread, nothing fancy for this old boy, maybe a little butter on the bread.

There - much better than the crap in a package, probably just a little better for you nutritionally, you get a sense of accomplishment, and you can impress your lady friends by telling them you know how to 'cook.' Then you can invite them to dinner at your place. Show them what a suave devil you are and set a lit candle in the middle of the table, just like at the restaurants. I would recommend using plates for this occasion, though - generally, it makes a better impression (although everyone communally slurping spaghetti out of the same pot does conjur up more 'intimate' images).

Happy eating, and it sure beats the hell out of a cheese sandwich.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 12:24 AM

heloo= still i donT , knoew, waht all this is about, and is ,makingf me very confused.
anywat= now i got hungry [ not now, about, a few minutes ago], so
sio i put some frozen spaggetyy
or is tyou spell it spaggettyy, [anyway i digress], i put it in my micro-wave,
and is blow up!
i not readingf properley that writingh on the box, i just putr if in for 10 minits,   and is blew up, and i take it out , and cut the thinhf open, [ is 2 tginh,, [ 1 spaggettty thing, and 1 one sauce thing, and i cut thi spaggetyy thing, and is blows up again, and get all over the place.,       and get all over me, and now there spagetttyyy all ober my kit chen, [ i make a chease sanfdwifche, ], and scrape it off, the walss etc, in the morning.
[piis me off, bacuase i was lookings fowewarsds to it as well,
[chesss sanfdwige is easy toi make.john

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 05:07 PM

Speaking of moose...go and see the Disney movie "Brother Bear", it's great! And it has two classic moose/hosers, voiced by the original McKenzie Brothers themselves!!!

Beauty, eh?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 04:03 PM

At the risk of adding a music reference to this thread...


Moose on the Highway
by Nancy White


(chorus:)
Moose on the highway in the dark of the night
Caught in the headlights, tremblin' with fright
Lord liftin' Jesus! that's some awful sight
Moose on the highway at night


I've had adventures all over the Earth
I broke my leg once and I've given birth
I put a Pop Tart™ in a toaster and watched `er explode
But nothin's so scary as a moose on the road

(chorus)

Happy as pigs, down the highway we roll
That's when yer moose takes his ev-en-ing stroll
He comes a-lopin' up over the bank
Into your car like a four-legged tank

(chorus)

Yer Newfoundlanders all know what to do
When Mister Moose comes-a aimin' at you
You simply pull over and turn out the light (stop)

(followed by sounds of opening beer cans)

Moose on the highway tonight!

(chorus)



(one CBC-centric verse omitted)

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Beverley Barton
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 12:22 PM

blind drunk,
          well done old fruit! i was proved right, nutty threads are the best. good luck with your future loony threads.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: rangeroger
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 08:41 PM

Still won't get you a woman.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 04:25 PM

Holy FLIP man! This thread has...like...lasted way longer than I thought it ever weould. Over FIFTY flippin posts! I am so proud eh? It has lasted longer than the skunk thread. I rate on Mudcat! I am so totally cool that it flippin astounds people eh? I just wanna thank all of youse for makin me feel welcome and at home here eh? Geez, I'm gettin all choked up... Anyway like thanks...people. I am aqlmost humbled by this eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 10:06 PM

Ha! Ha! I think I remember that one. I have a computer program called Deer Avenger...in it you play a deer who has acquired a number of deadly weapons (high-powered rifle, bazooka, and bow & arrows), and you go out in the woods and hunt hunters...who are depicted as cartoon characters...most of them drunken, inbred @ssholes and idiots who are a delight to gun down. It's a riot.

The deer's name is Bambo, and he is avenging a number of his relatives who were shot down by the yahoos he stalks and ruthlessly eliminates. He has a hunter calling device that emits various sounds like: "Free Beer! Getcher Free Beer right here!" or "I'm naked and I have a pizza..." (in a sultry female voice, of course). Works like a charm. The jerks come crunching witlessly through the underbrush, cradling their 30.06's like a pornstar with his vibrator and you blast 'em! LOL!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Peace
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 09:32 PM

Little Hawk,

You reminded me of a Hermann cartoon. The rear end of some member of the deer family was hanging as a trophy on a guy's wall. He was talking with a friend and saying, "I don't know what it was, but it sure could run!"

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Nov 03 - 02:43 PM

carus cara? agh. what am i doing other than drunk talking to    nobody (yyyou) with no reason. only a suckker on getting a skank out from under the porch, that is your only [e-mail]

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Nov 03 - 02:47 PM

The guy who moulds some of my plastic wheel parts hit a moose one night while driving near Huntsville, Ontario. The moose and the sizable truck he (my supplier) was driving were both ruined beyond repair. He figured the moose owed him something for the damage, so he got another vehicle and hauled the dead moose to his storage building, hung it up in the cold, and spent the next few months eating it bit by bit.

That's North Ontario for you.

My cousin, Stephanie, once had a boyfriend named Curt...tall, good looking man with a beard. One night she was awoken by noises Curt was making in a dream. It sounded like he was engaged in some kind of struggle. As she watched curiously, he suddenly sat bolt upright in bed, his eyes flew wide open, and he blurted, "LOOK AT THE ANTLERS ON THAT TRUCK!!!" He then flopped back down again and resumed sleeping quietly. She asked him about it in the morning, and he had no memory of it whatsoever...

They also had a friend who was known to all his acquaintances as "Da Beast", but that's another story...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Peace
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 07:34 PM

Bin there, done that, but my veHicle didn't go's fast as yourn. That was lots of years ago. Got my moose in McBride, BC.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: *daylia*
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 08:24 AM

Actually, many Canadians -- even non-musical ones -- pay their dues at Blind River. The police there have nothing to do after 2 am except hide behind the speed limit sign on the TransCanada and give out hefty fines to bleary-eyed travellers, all caffeined-up from the long-awaited pit stop at the famous Blind River Tim Horton's, who think they're out of town already because they haven't seen a streetlight for a couple miles. It's a plot, I tellya! The last time I got caught in Blind River in the wee hours, it cost me about $3OO.

ANd that's BEFORE I got side-swiped by a moose!

daylia

PS -- to get a skank out from under the porch, try this. Pick up a CD by Slipknot, Slayer or Rage Against the Machine. Slide your speakers underneath the steps in a spot where they can't get smashed from underneath by a sound-crazed skank, then set your player for a song like "People = S***" or "F*** This World". Crank up the volume to FULL - don't be shy! Then stand WAY back and clear the runway! Any Skank whose ears function is guaranteed to vacate the premises PRONTO!

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,Charles
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 10:37 PM

My God! A woman is about to marry Clinton Hammond? She must have totally lost it. Something should be done to stop this before it's too late! :>)

No Canadian musician can really say he's paid his dues until he has played Blind River at least once...and lived to tell the tale. Neil Young played Blind River, and look what it did for him. Rick Fielding has played Blind River. Rush has played Blind River. Need I say more?

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 09:37 PM

Not nice, Raptor! I happen to know Clinton's fiancee and she is a very nice girl {much to good for him, actually... sorry, Clint ;)}.

But more than that, I am outraged that you would make the suggestion that he would actually play Blind River. That is really hitting below the belt. (I played there once, so I should know)

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Peace
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 09:08 PM

Make sure s/he's happy and s/he won't go there in the first place.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Raptor
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 07:16 PM

Invite Clinton Hammond over, I hear he is not yet married!

One man's skank is another man's girfriend!

Add Blind River to the long list of cities (2) that he is gonna hit on the Clinton Hammond World Tour, I'll add it to the t-shirt

Raptor

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Nov 03 - 06:52 PM

I thought it was the plural form of skunk.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 07:46 PM

Yes, but that is not what it means in common usage in places such as Blind River. In those places it means...

1. a girl who refused to date the speaker
2. a girl who broke up with the speaker
3. a girl who is dating the speaker's former boyfriend
4. an unattractive girl
5. an attractive girl who is snobby (doesn't like the speaker)

etc...consider it a general term of abuse connoting strong disrespect.

This usual arises out of the frustration of someone's libido, denied expression, to put it delicately...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Ebbie
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 02:16 PM

1 definition found
From WordNet (r) 2.0 :

skank
       n 1: any substance considered disgustingly foul or unpleasant
            [syn: filth, crud]
       2: a rhythmic dance to reggae music performed by bending
          forward and extending the hands while bending the knees

1 definition found
From WordNet (r) 2.0 :

skanky
       adj : highly offensive; arousing aversion or disgust; "a
             disgusting smell"; "distasteful language"; "a loathsome
             disease"; "the idea of eating meat is repellent to me";
             "revolting food"; "a wicked stench" [syn: disgusting,
             disgustful, distasteful, foul, loathly, loathsome,
             repellent, repellant, repelling, revolting, wicked,
             yucky]


Gads. What clase men display.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 12:04 PM

Yes Snuffy - haven't you ever worn "Beer Goggles".

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 09:11 AM

No, Ebbie, "skanky old road whore" is definitely not a UK think. It's a southern US thing. It's a construction commonly used in reference to the woman whose company one's ex-boyfriend (or ex-husband) is keeping. It is usually spoken in establishments featuring alcoholic beverages and country music. The odds are great that anyone who utters said construction wears cowgirl boots and drives a four-year-old Camaro.

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Snuffy
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 08:53 AM

Dave,

Do you mean "I've never gone to bed with a skank.... but I've woken up with quite a few"?

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 06:20 AM

BDiBR - obviously you're not as inebriated as your mudcat name seems to imply. If you were really drunk, she would seem to be the most captivating creature that you'd ever met. Just find some more booze and your prayers will be answered - BTW she might need some too.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Nov 03 - 01:59 AM

Shane comes here because he can. He is hoping to gradually convert us from dull boring folk music, bodhrans, banjos, and other tedious stuff like that and open us up to the glories of heavy metal music, mindless hellraising, substance abuse, and so on...thus brightening up our dreary lives. He also wants to spread the fame and popularity of Blind River far and wide, as he is very proud of the place. I've been there. It's a dump. :-)

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 11:36 PM

How many times have we heard two females talking between themselves, usually over Long Island Ice Teas, refer to a third female as "a skanky old road whore"?

Good lord. I would guess never. Is that a UK thing?

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 10:07 PM

There seem to be some folks who have taken offense at this thread because they are under the mistaken impression that all skanks are females. Nay! Skankiness is an equal opportunity affliction! It knows no boundaries of gender, race or creed!

There are at least as many male skanks as there are female skanks. The problem is that it is often difficult for guys to detect skankiness in other guys and, even when they do, they don't want to talk about it. If a guy admits that another guy is a skank then he is admitting to the possibility that he may be one too.

On the other hand, it is usually not difficult for women to detect skankiness in other women and, when they do, they love to talk about it. How many times have we heard two females talking between themselves, usually over Long Island Ice Teas, refer to a third female as "a skanky old road whore"?

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 09:38 PM

You're late coming to the party, John in Hull.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 08:50 PM

heloo, waht all this is aboiut then/

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 08:30 PM

Humanely, of course. We don't wanna go there again.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Peg
Date: 03 Nov 03 - 06:48 PM

so, if you only listen to hard rock and heavy metal music, and haven't a brain in your head by the looks of it, why on earth are you trying to participate on the Mudcat?

how do you get vermin out of your discussion board?

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 06:59 PM

Shane, I think that if a girl is hiding under your porch she is most likely trying to avoid you. Have you ever considered that possibility? She might also be planning some kind of nasty practical joke on you.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Oaklet
Date: 02 Nov 03 - 05:49 PM

Oh no.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 09:51 PM

hEloo, blind dRunk in blind Riber, i dident sea you here for ages!, where did you been?

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 01:12 PM

Holy flip! I have seen people like Bill eh? Them guys who live in cabins out in the woods and dont hardly come into town.

Well, Halloween was pretty cool. Me and Don raised hell most of the night and got wasted like usual. We are gettin blamed for a lot of stuff aroudn town today and some of its true but some of it aint. We did not put the VW in the trash container back of the Tim Hortons. Somebody else done that. We did paint McLahertys' dog orange. He is a weird flippin' sight now but he dont seem to mind too much cos we bribed him with some weeners.

I am decently hung over this morinng but not too bad cos I can still focus eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 12:46 PM

Maybe this is what is needed all around:
Single White Trapper

Bill was a trapper lived out in the woods and that kind of life suited Bill pretty good
Whatever he needed would fit in his pack but still there was one thing Bill lacked
One long evening he sat daydreaming and to his old dog did confide
Though your company's great, you're not much of a date.
Declared Bill, What I need is a wife

But Bill wasn't really the sociable sort and he didn't bathe near as much as he ought
In fact, he only had one suit of clothes and there wasn't much left of those
Bill was a gigantic early romantic, he wasn't a debonair guy
But his glands were crying, he'd have to start trying if he was to find him a bride

So Bill sent away for a new suit from Sears
He scrubbed himself down, even washed in his ears
Soon he was ready for one final check
With his suit buttoned up to his neck

Bill strode off to the Legion Hall where they were having a dance
A handsome sight in socks almost white that didn't reach up to his pants
All eyes turned to Bill as he entered the hall in a brown leisure suit several sizes too small
The women all smiled, the men laughed out loud, you could say Bill stood out in a crowd

Conversation didn't come easy to Bill
He didn't know any good lines
He tried to be witty, he tried to be fun
But his overtures all were declined

Bill headed home, really feeling depressed. The fast lane was clearly not where he did best
He was ready to quit then a light bulb alit. In the next Sunday paper it said:

Single white trapper seeks permanent mate
Don't have to have brains, good looks or good taste
Long as she can carry 5-gallon jugs, clean fish and cuss.
Smokers and drinkers are free to apply
No reasonable offer refused
Prefer someone frugal that don't eat too much
And won't mind if he sleeps in his shoes

Well Bill got a letter and he answered right back inviting the lady to his simple shack
Nervously waiting for her to arrive, Bill froze as the door opened wide

A toothpick hung from her slender lips
But there were few teeth in her grin
Her hair was the shade of a road barricade
Tobacco juice ran down her chin
With no more ado, she stepped right inside
Looked the place over and gave Bill the eye
An overstuffed suitcase was clutched in each hand,
It appeared a long visit was planned

Bill's jaw dropped as he stood and stared. He couldn't speak, try as he might
For Bill was astounded, for Bill was amazed, for Bill, this was love at first sight

Well Bill soon proposed and she gave him her hand
The years came and went, they were happy as clams
Bill still didn't bathe but then neither did she
They were made for each other, you see

So if you think you could be more polished if only you tried
Forget about fashion and you may find passion like Bill and his mail order bride

Lou Nathanson, Eagle River, Alaska

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 02:05 AM

Hey, Blind River Drunk, or whatever: you just persist, keep waiting for the right knock on your door. A perfect man deserves a perfect woman.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: rangeroger
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 01:59 AM

I have to admit that when I saw the title to this thread, I started laughing harder than I've done in a while. It seemed to be a natural progression of threads.

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 12:35 AM

No way. I couldnt live with that stuff playin. I go fer heavy metal and hard rock eh? I like Zeppelin, Ozzy, Rush, Motorhead, AC-DC, Ted Nugent, and stuff like that...turned up to 11!!! You can thank the great Nigel Tufnel for inventing "11" eh? He ROCKS!!!

I agree that it would drive off skanks to play easy Listening stuff, but the cure would be worse than the disease...

I use Barrry Manilov records for target practice, know what I mean?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 Nov 03 - 12:26 AM

As I have said, in a previous thread, Easy Listenning Music! It will fumigate skanks, drunks, and probably skunks! And anyone who would start a thread like this DESERVES to live with a steady drool of glorified muzak!

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 09:12 PM

You skander the scalferous women (there are women there?) of B. R.

slander
scurfy

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 09:08 PM

I wonder who lost their mirror under your porch. . . if you stand close enough to the reflection when you're looking down maybe you can see an asshole down there also.

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 08:58 PM

leenia said: "What instrument do you play? Sit on the porch and play it" ....

and I'll leave it right there - gotta run now...

:-)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Helen
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 06:44 PM

BDiBR

"When I think about how totally desirabvle I am, I can't understand why there aint girls out there beatin on the front door here every day eh?"

Well, maybe what you need to understand is a little of what Ebbie was talking about? But hang on to your hat, because the realisation might make you feel a little bit too close to reality. ;->

L-t-S,

We have lovely blue-tongue lizards here in Oz, which grow to at least a foot long. They live in the garden or the shed or under the house - or even under the porch - and apparently they travel around the neighbourhood fairly regularly so everyone thinks they have one of their own, but it is actually one for whole blocks of houses. Lovely critters, and well worth encouraging to stay.

So maybe, the skunk-drunk-skank-skink under everyone's porches is only one nomad sharing the joy around the neighbourhood. Maybe the skunk-drunk-skank-skink is a master or mistress of disguises and is all of the above.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Amos
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 06:36 PM

Aw, BDIBR -- Just ask her to pay up her share of the rent and she'll be gone by mornin'.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Cluin
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 06:16 PM

Skunk, skank, skink
I need another drink
I think

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 06:02 PM

I was wondering why there was a blue tongued lizard under your porch and why you'd want to remove it, they're lovely creatures... but then I realised that was a skink.


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Getting a Skank out from under the porch
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 31 Oct 03 - 04:26 PM

NOw yer talkin! Chocolate works great on girls. I like it too but I like beer way better.

- BDiBR