The re-Imagined Village

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Gervase
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 03:25 PM

Will, that can only be Henfield! I know the place well, as a very good friend was the postman there for a while.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 03:20 PM

I like the sound of trigamy - a bit like marrying two geometry teachers.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 03:17 PM

At the last forum I frequented, a small group of us created an 'alternative' group where we had 'alternative meets' and all sorts of fun & larks ensued...

It totally fecked off the main group though, which of course is probably what made it so brilliant (and why everyone wanted to be in it).

Well, I know you're all much older and more sensible here, so I hope that kind of dreadful factionalism doesn't occur here! (as if!!)

PM me, if interested.
There will be horrible initiation tests natch...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Howard Jones
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 03:09 PM

"They both married someone else, years later... "

Isn't that bigamy? Or possibly trigamy?

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 01:46 PM

LOL! - They both married someone else, years later...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 01:44 PM

...maybe he should have just married them..?

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 01:30 PM

Stories...

Many years ago, one of our local pubs was owned and run by two gay guys - who loved the odd lock-in and were great fun.

At one of the lock-ins, the company felt the need for a sing-song round a piano in the old traditional way. But the pub had no piano, so... we went down the High Street to the house of one of the locals, woke him up and demanded the use of his piano. We got it out of the house, pushed it down the road on its casters and got it into the pub. After pouring several pints of beer into it, it seemed to be tuned up - and served us very well into the small hours of the morning.

At around the same time, the church bell tower was being renovated and, one hot Saturday afternoon, the ladders had been left propped against the tower wall. One of the local lads and his girlfriend were returning from a session in the pub and were passing the church. Seeing the ladders there, and feeling a little randy - what with the sun and the beer - they climbed up the ladder, shed their clothes with a light heart, and set about making the beast with two backs. Halfway through the fun and games, the vicar decided to check on building process, climbed the ladder and caught them in flagrante delicto - which resulted, rather unfortunately, in coitus interruptus. They were duly summoned before the church elders and asked to apologise for their behaviour. which they duly did - and got their revenge by testifying against the said vicar some months later at the Consistory Court. They were caught with trousers down - but he was unfrocked...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 01:19 PM

Oh yeah Spleen, can't recall his name but I fancied the pants off the lead singer. Big noses, bony bodies, bad teeth and lank hair was my idea of male beauty... Just as well really.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 01:10 PM

Ahh, Leveller, my friend the carpenters Dad (same as was locked up in village lock up) used to be famous as the 'village poacher'. My mate when a kid had to fend off the local copper on his Dad's behalf: He told me about the time he was tasked with secretly supplying Mrs X from the village, a great bloody frozen leg of lamb what was sticking right out the freezer one day!
He said to me: "Yeah, my dad was a *proper* poacher!"

I bet if we all pooled our wee stories of "village life" on this thread we could come up with something to rival the bum off any Soap!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 12:41 PM

"relating to the very same Weed patch Mrs Leveller has been kindly advising me on, of late "

Shhhhhh. My eldest son's a copper! (In very loud voice) YES, aren't they lovely tomato plants. No, funnily enough, we haven't had any toms off them yet!!!!!!!!! More cake? It's your favourite.

Oh my god, a rather large lady and her two children have just driven past in a buggy pulled by a very spotty Shetland pony whose name, I believe is (cringe) Spoticus.

BTW, squire's pheasants are looking good this year - just hope our lurcher, Susie, is still fast enough to.......(taps side of nose with finger in knowing, old countryman sort of way).

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 12:40 PM

Sorry Charlie, I am as ever being throwaway. I'm sure Ray would in fit very well here.

Indeed, as you might have noticed this "quintessential English village fantasy" is currently infested with bonking bishops, helpful 'alternative' herbalists, and motorcycle riding dominatrices..

What a local news shocker!!
Want to come and play?
But only if you bring that tomahawk I've heard you tell of, we need new ways to abuse the councilor...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 12:31 PM

Pablo Fanque, born William Darby in Norwich in 1796 was black

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Spleen Cringe
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 12:22 PM

Ah... Ultra Vivid Scene. Now we're talking!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 12:06 PM

If you like the idea of a stereotype, that's all well and good, and it's something Ray Davies has been taking the piss out of for years, and may he do it for years to come

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 11:52 AM

"Let's let Ray Davies (who's far more English than you could ever hope to be, WAV) have a word here...The last word, I believe, on the English village fantasy."

I don't know, I think WAV's a special and rarified kind of "English" that I for one could never aspire (or indeed desire) to attain. Even with full genetic compliment of fair skin, green eyes and (what a friend once 'complimented' me with having) a 'serious case of English rose complexion... Plus a fat English arse of course! But then, I do love to bake - which is also probably more than a bit belonging to our re-imagined English village. Which leads me neatly onto an anecdote - relating to the very same Weed patch Mrs Leveller has been kindly advising me on, of late - about one of my early baking experiences, from a teenage birthday: My friend had aquired a lump of resin, and we made such colourfully iced cakes! She had to burn patchouli incense before Mum & Dad returned because the baking had scented the whole house so delightfully. We went picknicking with them, during the poll tax riots. It was a topper day, the sun was out, and some chap stole a policemans helmet and placed it upon a statue...

And to tie back in with the village BDSM theme, this was probably the soundtrack. One of my favourite songs of the time (purely coincidentally): The Mercy Seat

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Campin
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 11:45 AM

England's first real sporting hero was Daniel Mendoza (born in England but Sephardic Jewish) so it's not like foreign-seeming people on the sports pitch are anything new.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 11:44 AM

Not sure what you were drinking during your outing last night, SO, Sir, but thanks for enlightening me on "rough music".

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 11:12 AM

Oh and this...

"Ahh Wimbledon...with Venus and Serena Williams in the women's final...Americans it should be noted."

A Swiss (Roger Federer) and an American (Andy Roddick) in the men's final...ooops!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 11:08 AM

Let's let Ray Davies (who's far more English than you could ever hope to be, WAV) have a word here...The last word, I believe, on the English village fantasy.

The Village Green Preservation Society

We are the Village Green Preservation Society
God save Donald Duck, Vaudeville and Variety
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you

What more can we do
We are the Draught Beer Preservation Society
God save Mrs. Mopp and good Old Mother Riley
We are the Custard Pie Appreciation Consortium
God save the George Cross and all those who were awarded them
We are the Sherlock Holmes English Speaking Vernacular
Hell take Fu Manchu, Moriarty and Dracula.

We are the Office Block Persecution Affinity
God save little shops, china cups and virginity
We are the Skyscraper condemnation Affiliate
God save tudor houses, antique tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you.

What more can we do
God save the Village Green

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 10:26 AM

PS, I've been thinking it's time I sorted out a 'folk hat' too.

Though, I've still got to get me a 'folk poncho' for folk-fest camping in. I did think that would make an excellent 'canvas' for stitching ribbons, feathers, silk flowers and other suitable miscellaneous findings and/or stealings to.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 09:45 AM

Thanks for Joan the Leather Queen, Snuffy. I've a feeling some of the ladies at our folk meets might appreciate that one.

Actually I think it was The False Knight that rather reminded me of my wannabe duel identity. Otherwise..

Dear "Disgusted", I'd advise a Google search for erotic feathers, as currently my dungeon is in the process of being insulated, and the folk-erotica sideline is still boxed up in the out-house beneath the gimp chest (you know, the one I did the decoupage on - those Art & Craft classes at the village hall are a goldmine for the creative village dominatrix). I aught also to explain to any concerned upstanding members of our community, that the blackmail side of my enterprise is purely for the purpose of ensuring the greater good! A classic tart with a heart type of calling. Thus I'll only be blackmailing well-heeled crooks and scoundrels! So less talk of this banging of kettles and frying pans if you please.

Must dash, Mrs Leveller is over shortly to help me tend the Weed patch...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Lizzie Cornish 1
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 09:37 AM

I'm with you there David, that poem by George Withers, above, is just WONDERFUL!   Thanks for posting it, Tom...

Lovely thread, David.. :0)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 08:44 AM

PS - Where might one purchase feathers such as those depicted in the above mentioned cinematographic entertainment? I fancy they would make a fetching addition to my Folk Hat, which is similar to the one depicted Here. Now there's a feather for your caps, gentlemen! Otherwise, it's really too hot for thoughts of feathers, much less the uses those youngsters might put them too. Of course there was none of that sort of thing in my younger days, dear me no...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 07:30 AM

Dear Sir / Madam

I must protest at the tenor of recent posts on this thread in the light of which I might predict that it won't be just WAV spending time in the old re-Imagined Village stocks. So, let us decide forthwith what fine, decent, upstanding pillars of our re-Imagined Village Community will be in The Rough Band so as we might suitably serenade the moral transgressors who have lately strayed into our midsts.

In this light, ahem, I suppose CS's charming video for The False Knight on the Road becomes most apt, feathers and all by jove!

Yours disgustedly,

Mr Suibhne O'Piobaireachd, gent.
Elected Secretary of The re-Imagine Village Parish Council.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 07:14 AM

Thanks for posting that good thoughtful poem, Doc.Tom (just above all the scandals here, if you haven't read it).

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Snuffy
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 07:08 AM

Crow Sister, there's just the song for you in this thread.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 05:00 AM

Our local adultery scandal didn't have any teachers or clerics, just two people both of whom were married to someone else. What was unusual was the way it came to light - she tied him to a chair & (presumably some time later) discovered she couldn't get the knots undone, and called the Fire Brigade.

Not terribly good at keeping confidences, small town fire brigades.

(I don't believe she broke his throne or cut his hair, however.)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST,Jack Campin
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 04:56 AM

a carpenter friend and I created an alternate lifestyle for me, whereby he would build me a dungeon in my loft (I know, wrong level, but it'll have to do

Converted lofts are for the village cannabis farm.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 04:25 AM

The Bonking Bishop of Brentwood! That has a very definite waltz flavour to it - a local scandal in 3/4 time. Add a touch of the Miss Whippies to the mix and there's a good broadside ballad in their somewhere...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 04:17 AM

Only recently we had 'The Bonking Bishop of Brentwood' (not in my village, but a suitably 'local' scandal nonetheless) who as well as carrying on with a local Mum, was embezzeling church funds - it was one of those evangelical churches where they expect blind people to see, and people in wheelchairs to get up and dance in praise of Lord Jesus though - they sent him home in disgrace.

Now see, if I can be Miss Whippy in the local village scandal, I can also blackmail the local crooked Councillors and Bishops! That was another part of the thickening 'plot' with my carpenter friend, for my secret subversive role in quintessential English village life...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 04:03 AM

Crow Sister - you should have lived in my village nearly twenty years ago. The vicar (married) was found guilty by a Consistory Court of adultery with a married parishioner in the village - and was unfrocked. Consistory Court hearings about "conduct unbecoming a clerk in Holy Orders" are rare.

How's that for your scandal? I think it should qualify.

It was an odd period in the village - and split opinion. Those of the vicar's circle of friends just couldn't believe it was all true and rallied round them. Those who knew it was true - and there were very many of them - were totally contemptuous of his behaviour and were glad to see him go.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 02:38 AM

Oh, as well as being the villages hippy-biker, I'm happy to moonlight as the villages resident 'Miss Whippy' btw. Then I can be involved in the local scandal with the local councillor!

As I was explaining to some friends the other evening, a carpenter friend and I created an alternate lifestyle for me, whereby he would build me a dungeon in my loft (I know, wrong level, but it'll have to do) for a share in the takings. After all racks and such specialist gear must cost a bomb to buy!

Anyway, we decided that all the bankers and city traders round my way, were probably in need of a local 'therapist' to relieve the strain caused by their high pressure city jobs. So now those bikers leathers will be usefully applied by day and by night!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 02:26 AM

Wressle castle will do the job nicely, though by way of explanation - the burned out church and local folklore of dark doings actually exists not far from me. Though the place has since been done up and is now occupied by an enterprising artisan. *Our ruin*, will of course ever remain darkly mysterious to residents.

As for the wee seaside town, well I think that's 'just next door' to me already. It's the place my grandparents would take us on a Sunday drive for a paddle. Full of tea shops and suchlike. In fact it's the perfect place to house SO'Ps 'Butter and Cheese and All', because the place is chock full of deli's.

And there simply *must* be a local scandal. Anything involving a vicar, or headmistress, or local councillor caught in kinky leather underwear and/or filching public funds. Preferably the latter to fund the former.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 06:49 PM

"The 'English' fantasy dies hard in some peoples lives."

Why fantasy? In fact, it has come closer, in many respects, to the reality of the village I live in than is quite comfortable - and this is not your archetypal English village...or maybe it is!WOW!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 03:21 PM

Ahh Wimbledon...with Venus and Serena Williams in the women's final...Americans it should be noted.

The 'English' fantasy dies hard in some peoples lives.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: doc.tom
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 03:16 PM

George Withers, that great old Somerset singer died last week. George was also, like his father before him, a poet. This seems an appropriate thread to post one of George's poems (which was also the title track of his CD) as a memorial.


THE LAND REMAINS (George Withers)

I remember - I remember the place where I was born;
'Twas full of cows and heifers then, and sheep and pigs and corn.
But the country scene is changing; the folks are changing too,
And farming's very different from the farming that I knew.

No geese are on the village green, no ponies are on the moors,
No cock crows on the dunghill now, the hens are all indoors,
The school's become a second home, the pub is closing down,
And the village shop just can't compete with Tesco's in the town.

The dairy herd is long dispersed, the quota's out on lease,
And the farmhouse sold to clear the debts and please the mortgagees;
And Father drives a lorry now, and Mum does B&Bs
In a semi on the new estate beyond the churchyard trees.

And there's new folk in the old place now; I don't know what they do,
But he's something in computers and a real nice fellow too.
They come to village functions; she's joined the W.I.;
They've not much clue as to what to do, but it must be said,they try!

Now the garden's graveled over - it's a TV gardener's dream
With flowers in terra cotta pots and a switch-on wildlife stream;
The rockery's a mockery of what was there before,
And the polystyrene staddle stones - well, they're the final straw!

No rows of spuds and carrots now, no runner beans and peas,
No cabbages, no rhubarb, no children climbing trees.
There's a four bi' four for Daddy and an Audi for his wife;
There's lots of Country Living - but no real country life!

But dawn still rises in the East, the sun still sinks in the West;
We come, we try, we live, we die, we work, we eat, we rest,
But love or hate the system, whoever holds the reins,
Let others learn - we've had our turn - and still the land remains.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 03:11 PM

"There has to be a retired Master Mariner who sits outside the pub drinking beer and bores everyone to death with his" I remember rounding Cape Horn in....."

= WAV

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 02:08 PM

I've also enjoyed reading the posts here, Will, and one of the things I do have in common with SO is that I'm also off to my local singaround, having just watched the Wimbledon semis.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Will Fly
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 01:56 PM

David (WAV) is not being picked on and mocked. I've lashed out in anger at him in the past over ideological matters with which I'm in total disagreement, but the concept of the Re-imagined Village - with all that's implied - and folkloric viewpoints of rural life, of Englishness, of literary and philosophical convention, etc. - has proved to open up a rich mine of topics. For which I thank David for posting it. Whether I like the actual poetry or not is, in this instance, not the point for me.

And thanks to this thread and its multifarious posts, I was able to listen to Michael Hordern reading Monty James's "The Ash Tree" on the way home from the afternoon's expedition through the Sussex countryside to the music shop.

That's the beauty of Mudcat.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 01:07 PM

Feel a bit sorry for him on this thread though, as he's being picked on and mocked, in a very Mudcat cliquey sort of way.

It's his published ideology that's being picked on, as ever, not the man himself, stuck as he is in his old little well-worn rut no matter what friendly offers he's had over the years to help him out of it by way of aids to to a happier repatriation. I still look upon WAV's posts as cries for help. Still, I'd say apart from the occasional spat the general tenor of this thread is as Sportingly English as it gets on Mudcat, which is why is obviously rankles with nay-sayers who refuse to join in the fun.

Anyway, I'm off down to the imaginary pub for an imaginary pint before the imaginary singaround - if anyone fancies hooking up with me I'll be in beer garden from about 6.30 onwards, otherwise it looks like I'll be stuck with our imaginary Master Mariner (Retired), which is no bad thing really, especially if his imaginary daughter is behind the bar tonight...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 01:03 PM

(Joking apart, it's the first I've heard of this "one thread only, restriction imposed some time back." (Norman)...I've started this one, one for Wimbledon, kept WalkaboutsVerse Anew going, and posted on a few others, lately.)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:41 PM

Common land - yes; and perhaps The Witches of Elswick could reform and rename as The Witches of the re-Imagined Village..? (Bit of a fruity mouthful, though.)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:35 PM

Do I detect a salty breeze a-blowin' in from the nearby sea there, Ron? In which case, I might venture a harbour for creels & cobles, with concrete piers gifted by the local land-owner, long gone now; death duties saw to that and the re-Imagined Country Estate is now in the hands of the re-Imagined National Trust...

Actually, talking about imaginary country estates check this out:

Coldharbour - A Brief History as of 1911

This was an attempt (by me) at writing a multi-layered English ghost story using the Imaginary Guide Book genre to interleave the various historical episodes and continuities. A sort of M R James at Rawlinson End as read out on an imaginary Radio 4 broadcast by an imaginary Michael Hordern circa 1974.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:32 PM

I agree Norman, BS is the right description

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST,Big Norman Voice
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:27 PM

Does the piece of doggerel in the first post qualify this as a music thread?
Move it to BS, it fits that description.
It is interesting though how WAV seems to walk around the, one thread only, restriction imposed some time back.
Still, the last thing I look for on here is consistency.
Feel a bit sorry for him on this thread though, as he's being picked on and mocked, in a very Mudcat cliquey sort of way.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Sailor Ron
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:14 PM

There has to be a retired Master Mariner who sits outside the pub drinking beer and bores everyone to death with his" I remember rounding Cape Horn in.....", and then plays chanties on a D/G anglo concertina, whilst he sigs them in C#!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 12:09 PM

t

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 11:36 AM

"so long as she comes round my shambolic house for afternoon wine, and gives me herbal gardening tips... "

Just try to keep her away!

Actually, this is all beginning to sound like the village I actually live in. All it needs is the picturesque ruin. No, not me!. Wressle castle

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Rifleman (inactive)
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 11:25 AM

I'll be honest, Being an urbanite, myself, and having been born in a fairly large city, I can't really identify with the whole rural dream thing.

By the way, just WHERE is this shop in Nottingham that sells A&W Root Beer

Root Beer

Root Bear

"dum da da dum dum da da dum da da dum dum"

Charlie

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 03 Jul 09 - 11:20 AM

Village Shops??? Well now we know we're imagining stuff.

Biker/Hippy I'll take!

Ahh, there must be an old burned out church somewhere off the beaten track, which has by way of local folklore, a coven of witches who used to use it for their slightly dodgy coven meeting! You don't go there alone at night, unless under dread obligations of a DARE!