Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Sep 01 - 05:45 PM

Just to close the thread
I never made the call, as such.
the lady went into hospital and finally medics moved into action. They diagnosed a brain tumour (amongst other problems) and it is only a matter of time.
as a result the daughter has more pressing priorities and I get an update on my answer machine and we chat and never mention the dog issue.
MORAL sometime it is better to do nothing until the situation resolves or takes a turn. This one resolved.
At times like these it is good to talk to friends, and here there are plenty. Ta again.

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: DougR
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 01:35 PM

My late wife's aunt has the same problem you describe, Red. She can tell you what she did forty years ago, perhaps, but can't remember what she had for lunch.

She is not in a retirement home where she receives three well balanced meals a day, receives her medication on schedule and looks 100% better than the day she arrived six months ago.

Folks like this cannot manage on thier own. It is dangerous for them to try.

I was told by the resident doctor when I visited last month (the home is 1000 miles away from where I live), that of the 78 residents in the home, all of them who are still mobil hope someday to go home. It's almost instinctive, I guess. The home (if it is a good one) is the absolute best place for them however, to protect them form themselves.

I think Sorcha's suggestion for a lead in to the telephone conversation is excellent.

DougR

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Aug 01 - 01:34 PM

the situation is resolving, the mother is not fit to look after herself and can't remember anything after 5 minutes. She is aware of her memory loss when faced with evidence but not aware until. The daughter rang me and left a message to the effect that mother had been to hospital for a check-up after a fall. No hint of repremand. Phew that was easy, really.
I was there when mother returned and she had to be shown the scratches to be reminded of any of it.
care home is permanent as I see it.
The dog knew the way in from the car park and enjoyed the fuss, so yes benefits all round. It is good for me too, makes you feel reall worthwhile.
I think we can declare it win, win, win, and "no comment as yet"
Must dash - off to the Bridgnorth FF - the care home is en route.
Thanks friends.

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 01:37 AM

Hey, what about the poor old dog? I bet he's missing his mistress too....

Pet therapy has had nothing but good reports. How does he affect the other patients there? Did the daughter give a reason for not taking the dog? If someone has complained then OK, but if it is just her then work around it. Of course, if the dog is more upset and distructive after, then maybe it's better not to take him.

LTS

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: M.Ted
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 01:25 AM

Mr. Red,

How is she going to know that the dog visited, and why will it matter? She has a lot of much more serious things to worry about, and you are just a friend, helping out-- if she seems upset, it won't be about the dog, it will be just frustration and desperation about having to deal with this situation--You are a good, good, person for caring and helping out---I have a feeling there will be more for you to do, though, sadly, no one can undo what has happened, and it will be difficult for both mother and daughter re-adjusting--

Best wishes for everyone involved in this difficult situation--

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Nancy King
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 11:08 PM

Wow, Red, this has the potential to be a sad and difficult situation that keeps getting worse. Hope it doesn't.

I think the part about the dog will get resolved rather quickly, one way or another. You say "we (the network locally) think the canine visit was a good idea." Who is the network? Do they include the staff of the home? Assuming staff approval, I agree with Burke – try to find out what the daughter's concern is, and try to address that. But if she remains unconvinced and digs in her heels for some reason, you probably need to respect her decision. She's the family; you're not. The ex-girlfriend aspect only adds baggage. Let's hope she is just responding this way because she's confused and overwhelmed at suddenly having to deal with her mother's life in addition to her own. Hopefully she will come to appreciate anyone who makes her mother's life more pleasant.

I certainly hope your Lady recovers and is able to come home in two weeks, but I wouldn't bank on it. And if she does, I sure hope she isn't left alone. The amount of short-term memory loss you describe would make it very dangerous. And it won't do for you and the neighbors to take on responsibility for her. Continue to visit, of course, but don't try to care for her yourself. If they can't provide 24-hour care for her at home, she would probably be better off in an "assisted living" facility with her own furniture and belongings in her room, and a staff of trained people at hand. But it's not for you or me to make those decisions; only the family can do that.

In 1997 my widowed mother flew to Washington from Floriday for a 5-day Christmas visit. During that time she fell in my home, breaking her hip. We now believe she had her first frontal "cerebral accident" (stroke) several weeks before leaving Florida. Several days after the hip surgery she had another stroke, unrecognized as such by the physician on duty at the hospital, who gave her a strong sedative because she was "combatative." Medical complications kept her in nursing homes and hospitals until she died in April 2000. She desperately wanted to go "home," but even if she had been physically able to travel to Florida, she could not have lived there without constant attendants. The stroke damage was permanent; she never could deal with certain concepts. In addition, there were circulatory problems which sometimes affected her brain, causing her to see people, animals, or just vague shapes that really weren't there, and talk about friends and situations from long ago. She was usually very animated during these episodes, and much happier than when she was lucid (when she realized how rotten her situation was). We hoped at one point to get her into an "assisted living" place, but her medical condition prevented it.

Sorry if I'm rambling here. This situation just rings a lot of bells for me. It's so very sad for the Lady whose life has been so altered, and whose daughter at least so far seems less than sensitive. But it's no picnic for the daughter, either. During one of my Mom's wackier moments, she said to me, "Stop trying to run my life!" I didn't say anything, but all I could think was, I love you, but there's nothing I'd like better than not to have to run your life…

Good luck to all concerned,

Nancy

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 07:19 PM

thanks for the posts. the Lady will not have continuous care at home despite local government help 3 times a day to ensure she took her medicine. She took three asprins today over the space of 3 minutes and insisted she had not had one yet, each time. The bubble pack looked a if it had been fresh that day - that illustrates the level of concern we have. Still the next door neighbour has been taking the dog in as well - she was also determined where the priorities lie.
Ah yes the telephone call......... Call me chicken but I sent a text message to the effect of not getting the message in time (true) asking her to trust me and signing off with Love (I must be desperate to use the "L" word).
Thanks again but I still have to face the music someday and I don't want to take an arrogant stand - or a knowing one either.

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Sorcha
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 06:29 PM

Yes, indeed the daughter will have "guilt" problems. I lived in the same town as my mother and virtually moved in with her for the last 6 mos. and I still have guilt problems.

Opening Gambit----Oh, hi there. Sorry, I recieved your message too late to not take the dog to the Care Center, but your mom seemed to really enjoy it even if she didn't remember it later.

You and the daughter BOTH need to remember that these people live ONLY in the present........the NOW for them. Whatever makes them happy at the moment is what is important. My question about this situation is:
Why does anyone think she will be going home in 2 weeks? What is going to change there? Will she have full time Care at home? because her memory is NOT likely to get better (at least not that fast).

Sorry if I am overstepping boundries here, but it's always a tough call. PM me if you need to, OK?

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Burke
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 06:24 PM

How wonderful the lady has friends who will take the effort to bring pooch along.

I'm lousy on advice. You already see what a difficult position the daughter is in. I guess the main thing is to try to figure out what the daughter's concern is about having the dog there. Listen, don't belittle the concern whatever it is. Acknowledge the concern & help her see that the benefits outweigh the problems real or imagined.

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 06:24 PM

the Lady has reported minor strokes - I read them as TIA's but it amounts to the same thing.
It sure explains the suddeness of the memory loss. It coincided with the next door neighbour on holiday for 3 weeks which muddied the analysis. Alzheimers is maybe not the correct diagnosis - there is a circulation problem and osteoarthritis and you name it. She was unhappy at home ultimately and seems more relaxed in "care" but wants to be in her own home, not that she knew it was hers in the last few days.
still don't have a firm plan for the telephone conversation opening gambit.
the daughter is already on a guilt trip about the care home and the internal conflicts that brings, despite the necessity.
Oh well, my back is broad and I got my reward if only for 2 minutes.
Thanks

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: MMario
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 04:20 PM

and if you didn't get the message NOT to take the pooch to see her, how could you be faulted for it? All's well that ends well and all that rot.

Two weeks from now your having brought the dog to see her may be the only thing the lady recalls of the time spent in the home.

Subject: RE: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: MMario
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 04:17 PM

Have had several elderly friends with Alzhiemers - not sure if this is what the old lady has - but Alzhiemers has a great deal of short term memory loss involved ~ ~ she may not remember that you were there with the dog today - but she appreciated it yesterday, you can be sure.

One of the wierd things about memory situations like this is how they can click "on" and "off" - and you never know when - but in general (from those cases I have had acquaintence with) the happier in general the person is the better their memory and the easier they are to handle.

Subject: Help: calming an Old Lady's daughter
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 04:08 PM

Little old Lady is 86.
assertive and at times fiesty, who in the space of 4 weeks has lost short term memory and is suddenly in a home for 2 weeks (AND it's gonna be a long 2 weeks)
her dog is being cared for by next door neighbours and I collected the mutt and took it to see the lady.
daughter lives 2 hours away and we (the network locally) think the cannine visit was a good idea.
daughter left a message I didn't get - to not take dog. Though I knew from the next door of the feelings.
lady was pleased to see the pooch but neither were over-fussed after 2 minutes.
next day the lady can't remember me going! (today)

OK the problem.
How do I start the telephone conversation to the daughter? The daughter is ultimately the one fielding the emotinal blackmail and not having the distance to resist it. The lady just wants to live in her own home. She is too confused now to know which of the 10 former homes she now owns. She has regressed to thinking she still has one of the businesse's she sold 40, 30 & 10 years ago!
I am not a relative but the daughter was my first girlfriend (not that that will hold me back any).
Simple ideas please I won't be spending too long defending myself, I have to consider the mother and the daughter.