BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*

Subject: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Helen
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:33 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Hi guys,

Here I am, Ms Wet Blanket of 1999-2000. I haven't been joining in much over the last few months with the Mudcat community happenings and it is all because I ...want to kill my boss!! The sneaky, back stabbing, gutless #%$#@%+##@!

I'm not going to go into the long, sordid story here, but I've been under a huge amount of stress over the last 10 months because of him and another (female) manager and I am just in the process now of getting my own back .... [wicked, gleeful giggling] ... in the most professional way, of course (tee hee!) Thank god(s) for Unions and clever Union Organisers (Hi Big Mick!, for other managers with ethics, for professional mediators, and for organisational counsellors.

Well, I was reading the Mudcat thread titles the other day, looking at the BS threads and I realised that I had no interest in opening any of them - and then it came to me in a blinding revelatory flash, that I have *lost my sense of humour* (sob, sigh, moan)

So, I need you all to help me find it. Jokes, funny stories, songs, you name it, all welcome.

Especially songs about the meek inheriting the earth, or of the ilk of The Philadelphia Lawyer (in the database)

(Now way back in old Pennsylvania,

The lights are still shining as bright,

But there's one less Philadelphia lawyer

In old Philadelphia tonight.)

or about the downtrodden fighting back. Think of the scene in the Crocodile Dundee movie where the kangaroo starts "shooting" back - I laughed till I cried when I first saw that scene. I thought the blow fly reference, and the subway scene were a scream too, but I think you have to be from Oz to get those two jokes.

So, to start the ball rolling, the most appropriate song which springs to my mind is The Union Maid (it's in the database)

UNION MAID (Woody Guthrie)

There once was a union maid

Who never was afraid

Of goons and ginks and company finks

And deputy sheriffs who made the raids

She went to the union hall

When a meeting it was called,

And when the Legion boys came 'round

She always stood her ground.

cho: Oh, you can't scare me, I'm sticking to the union,

I'm sticking to the union,I'm sticking to the union

Oh, you can't scare me, I'm sticking to the union,

I'm sticking to the union till the day I die.

Helen - hanging out the wet blanket to dry - at last

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Art Thieme
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:42 PM

Helen,

Check out the REVENGE thread. I think it was called SONGS OF REVENGE.

All the best to you.

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: fulurum
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:46 PM

a dog walks into a bar with a bloody leg. he looks around for a minute, then he says to the bartender, i'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:57 PM

Honey I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded. Where is it? In the swimming pool.

My wife is a real angel. Always up in the air, and harping about something..

Whats the difference between bagpipes and onions? Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes..

Cheer up Helen mate, you'll get it back..Yours,Aye.Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Troll
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 11:02 PM

Helen; the best revenge is living well. Trust me. I've been where you are and I know.

Whats the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline? You take off yer shoes to jump on a trampoline.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Feb 00 - 11:56 PM

Helen, Hi! Nice to meetcha, I'm a *newbie* (groan). I will send some things your way... in the meantime there are some really nasty Psalms I would encourage you to review-- open the book anywhere and chances are it will be.. memorable.

A line I like from the Bible is, "Wise as the serpent, gentle as the dove." It's knowing which calls for which.

I also HIGHLY recommend the movie Falling Down for quick release. But skip the end.

Hang in there!!!

BTW, if your sense of humor really is lost, I am sure you will find it skulking under a table at the Mudcat Cafe.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: fulurum
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM

hey i just cleaned up my apartment, and among other things i found an extra sense of humor, if you need it, it's yours.it really sucks losing stuff. my girlfriend lost her virginty a long time ago, but luckily she still has the box it came in.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Night Owl
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:14 AM

Glad to see you back Helen...was wondering where you were. Sounds like you could really use a FUN date!!!!! Check out Wed. archived radio show AND the current auction if you missed it. HAS to cheer you up, (Amos sang tunes from the Mudcat songbook.)

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: GUEST,Jimmy
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:27 AM

Fulurum reminds me of the time when my buddy, Walter McCorrisken, won the title "Scotland's Worst Poet" from the Glasgow Herald newspaper with this gem (in the Glasgow dialect): A three-legged dug (dog) rode westward wan (one) day, Doon tae (down to) the jile (jail) at Moosejaw. "Sheriff", he said, on unsteady leg, "Sheriff, Ah've (I've)come for ma (my) paw!"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:50 AM

A man was hauled into court for violating the Endangered Species act. He had shot a California Condor, and the judge socked him with a thousand dollar fine. The he asked him why he did it, and the man said "I wanted to see what it tasted like." The judge said, "Well, I could throw you in jail for 5 years, but, I'm not going to because you killed it to eat. But tell me, what did it taste like? The man replied, "A lot like Bald Eagle."

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: bob schwarer
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:56 AM

ALBERT AND THE LION There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool That's noted for fresh air and fun And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert, their son. A fine little lad were young Albert, All dressed in his best, quite a swell. He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle; The finest that Woolworth's could sell. They didn't think much to the ocean, The waves they were piddlin' and small. There were no wrecks and nobody drownded, 'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all! So, seeking for further amusement, They paid, and went into the zoo, Where they'd lions and tigers and camels And cold ale and sandwiches, too. There were one great big lion called Wallace Whose nose was all covered with scars; He lay in a som-no-lent posture With the side of 'is face on the bars. Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions- 'Ow they was ferocious and wild; To see lion lyin' so peaceful Just didn't seem right to the child. So straightway the brave little feller, Not showin' a morsel of fear, Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle And stuck it in Wallace's ear. You could see that the lion din't like it, For givin' a kind of a roll, 'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallered the little lad - 'ole! Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence, And not knowin' what to do next, She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!" An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed." They complained to an animal keeper Who said "My, wot a nasty mis'ap; Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?" Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!" The manager 'ad to be sent for; 'E came and 'e said "Wot's to-do?" Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert, And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!" Father said "Right's right, young feller- I think it's a shame and a sin To 'ave our son et by a lion And after we paid to come in." The manager wanted no trouble; He took out his purse right away, Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?" Pa said "Wot do you usually pay?" But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone. She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!" So that was decided upon. And off they all went to p'lice station In front of a Magistrate chap; They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert And proved it by showing 'is cap. The Magistrate gave 'is opinion That no one was really to blame, And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms Would 'ave further sons to their name. At that Mother got proper blazin': "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she- "Wot, spend all our lives raisin' children To feed ruddy lions? Not me!" Recorded by Stanley Halloway

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Pinetop Slim
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:58 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says: "Is this the start of a joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: harpgirl
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:07 AM

...a doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. But by midmorning he decided he would try to make amends and he phoned home. After many rings his wife finally picked up the phone. "What took you so long sweetheart?" "I was in bed" "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion!"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: harpgirl
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM

...oh and Helen try to stay in shape...My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety seven today and we don't know where the hell she is!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: harpgirl
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:12 AM

...oh and guys remember...divorce is painful. There's an easy way to save yourself alot of trouble. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Jeri
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:17 AM

Lots of boss-related humor at The Dilbert Zone

Can't think of any anti-boss or anti-general authority jokes presently. I had one boss-from-hell. He once told me I would inevitably run into someone I liked worse than him. I never have and doubt I will. (There was a song I posted that only one Mudcatter seemed to notice which was based largely on my perception of his personality. I guess the experience was good for something.) I kept a copy of a book titled "How to Deal With Difficult People" in an obvious place on my desk.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:24 AM

Jeri, I am getting really worried - are you sure you aren't psychic? I was just considering posting a link to Dilbert.

And Bob, thanks - haven't seen Albert and the Lion for a few years.

Jon

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: JenEllen
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:43 AM

So..this old fella decides he's going to give Viagra a try, and tells his wife. On his way out the door to the doctors he notices his wife right behind him with her coat. "I'm going to the doctor's...Why are you going?" he asks. "Well," she says,"if you are planning on using that rusty old thing...I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - loved the joke from Kendall - hope the sense of humour is getting better.

I found my feelings towards a former boss were helped a great deal by suggesting to my therapist that I rip her head off and spit down her neck (my boss, not the therapist).

The best one though was this.

Get the pattern for a rag doll with seperate limbs - not an all in one jobby. Cut out the pieces and sew them up but instead of sewing the head and limbs on, leave them unattached and sew them up. Sew fasteners like poppers, press studs or velcro (hook tape) where they would join, and then you can have fun ripping the limbs off and chucking them across the office. Great for stress relief and keeping the toddler amused!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: wysiwyg
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:48 AM

Hope these help, they helped me one day at work.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carol, Age 9

Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:03 AM

Thinking of the words of kids and mums diets... I will never forget the day when my mum got dressed up to go out for a meal with my dad and one of my brothers who must have been about 7 at the time said something like "Mum you look like that person on the telly". My mother was flattered and wanted to find out who she looked like. After a few questions it emerged that he was saying she looked like Hattie Jaques who was quite large...

Jon

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Abby Sale
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:23 AM

An old friend is now an employee of the new Scottish government. It is a great relief to learn that they have nothing better to do than well-established govenments.

She participates in a joke list with a mostly British twist. She sent one the other day that's much to your point but it's a MS Powerpoint binary at 238kb so there's little point posting it here. Send your e-mail address if interested.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:30 PM

A friend of mine tried Viagra, took one with an iron supplement, and he stood pointing north for a week.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:48 PM

What happens when you feed a lawyer Viagra?

He gets taller.

Peter.

PS if any lawyers on the list are angry, I am one.

I'd rather be a folksinger, but I make little enough money as a lawyer. Think what it'd be like if I tried to do music full time!

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 02:57 PM

whats the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? the rooster clucks defiance.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:00 PM

oh hell, now you've done it.. whats the difference between a whore with diarrhea and an epileptic clam shucker? one of them shucks between fits.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:35 PM

What do you get when you cross a Cabbage Patch Doll with the Pilsbury Dough Boy?
A real ugly chick with a yeast infection.

LN

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Mbo
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:48 PM

Yes...I know what it's like to lose one's sense of humor. And it's nothing any corny or dirty joke can remedy. But just a single word from that special someone would turn me into a euphoric goof again.

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: JamesJim
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 04:06 PM

An old man goes to the doctor and since he can't hear well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor says, "we are going to need a semen sample, stool sample and urine sample." The old man turns to his wife and says, "what did he say?" The old woman says, "he says he wants your underwear!"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: fulurum
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 05:21 PM

i usually just tell my boss that one of these days he's going to hear a loud pop.it's going to be his head coming right out of his ass. this is a true story. about 20 years ago at my grandmothers funeral we were all gathered at the cemetery with the casket hanging out over the hole waiting to be lowered down . my aunt grace, a rather large woman, went running down the hill and threw herself on grandmas casket, the whole time yelling, i'm coming next, oh God i'm coming next. my uncle bob yelled out, you will be if you don't get your fat ass off that casket.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Helen
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 06:43 PM

Thanks everyone,

I'm having a few chuckles here, so keep this stuff coming and it'll probably ripen into a full belly-laugh or guffaw or more.

Jeri, what was the song you posted. I'd like to see it.

Abby, I'll send you apersonal message with my e-mail address. Thanks.

All the jokes about bars reminds me of this one: a woodworm goes into a pub and says, "Is the bartender here?"

(It's all in the way you say it. I have to warn you, it is one of my "groan" jokes - everyone groans when they hear it.)

Thanks folks, Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: wysiwyg
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 06:47 PM

Funerals...

True story:

A priest doing his first one (it was a rainy, muddy day slipped into the hole and had to be helped out to finish the service.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:10 PM

Harpgirl and Little neophyte, those were great!! new to me..thanks

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Helen
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:13 PM

Oh, and Jeeri & Jon,

I bought two Dilbert books in the middle of last year but it was just too close to the reality - more autobiographical than funny, because I have been living in Dilbertland with a boss just like that. It made me want to cry not laugh.

I'm probably ready to read it now, though.

Have you seen the User Friendly comic strips - about an Internet Service Provider and it's customer support staff - very Dilbertesque.

http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/19991218.html

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Jeri
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:26 PM

The song is here. I took some tendencies and traits people (including myself) have at times, and imagined my former boss as a folkie/Mudcatter. (In other words, I imagined how bad it could possibly get.) He used to tell people how to arrange their desks - no joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: GUEST,Les B
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:52 PM

So two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What's a fish say that swims into a concrete wall? "Dam!"

This old cowboy is sitting at the bar. In walks a woman and says "Are you a real cowboy ?" He says "Yes ma'am, I've done nothin' but ride horses and herd cows all my life." She says,"Well I'm a Lesbian, I do nothing but think about making love to women, morning, noon and night." A little later a young fellow comes in the bar and says to the cowboy, "Are you a real cowboy ?" The cowboy says, "Well I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian !"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Willie-O
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:12 PM

My car was leaking oil, so I took it into a garage. Young fella had a look, then told me I'd blown a seal.

I told him to fix the damn car and never mind my private life....

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Troll
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:21 PM

Kangaroo walks into a bar."Gimme a martini." Bartender fulfills the request."That'll be six dollars,please." Kangaroo hands him a ten. Bartender sez" We don't get many kangaroos in here." Kangaroo sez"At these prices, I'm not surprised."

Whats the difference between a cello and a bass?

The bass holds more beer.

Theres a session in a small pub in Northern Ireland. Fellow walks in with a package, sets it on the bar, orders a pint and turns to listen to the music. The musicians watch him warily but he just stands there. After several pints and tunes, the fiddler gets up and comes over."Excuse me friend" he says,"but we'd all like to know what you've got in the package?" Yhe stranger answers, "Fifteen pounds of Gelignite and twenty detonators." "Oh thaks be to God" says the fiddler."We were afraid it was a bodhran!"

And you thought it couldn't get worse. troll

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Willie-O
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:32 PM

Three pints o Guinness

Irish fella walks into a pub in Toronto and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender pours them, and the fella lines them up in a row, takes a sip from the first one, than a sip from the second one, then a sip from the third. He continues this until they're all empty, then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I don't mean to be telling you your business and I'm sure you can hold your liquor, but do ye not know they'd stay fresh longer if you just drank one at a time--they're goin flat when you're halfway through."

The customer explains, "Sure I know that, but I'll tell ye the way of it. I have two brothers I grew up with in County Kerry, one is in California now, the other's in Australia, and I'm here in Canada. But the night before we all left Ireland--we'd had a few already, mind ye--we made a promise that we'd each drink this way, to remember the good days when we all drank together, and why not? So it's as if I'm still drinkin with me brothers."

The fellow became a regular at the pub, always drinking three stouts at once, and came in several times a week for about six months. Then one day he came in and as the bartender started to pull his three beers, the man raised a hand and said, "Just two tonight, Jimmy."

The bartender stared for a second. The room went dead silent. Then the bartender said, "Sure, and these are on the house for I'm sorry for yer troubles. Which of your brothers has passed away?"

The Kerryman then stared back for a second, and burst out laughing. "No, that's not it at all. My brothers are both fine, ye see, but I've had to give up the drinking!"

Sorry.]

Willie-O

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Sorcha
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:56 PM

An Irishman walked out of a bar..........

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Troll
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:58 PM

OH, GET REAL!(BG)

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:32 PM

Whadda ya get when you cross a hand grenade with a kitchen floor?

Linoleum Blownapart

Oh wait a minute...I get it Helen! Is the bar TENDER here!

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: sophocleese
Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:51 PM

A white horse walks into a pub and leans against the bar. The bartender looks at him a moment in surprise and then says, conversationally, "You know, we have a whisky named after you." "Oh?" says the horse, "you have a whisky named Eric?"

What do you calla boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Why did the chocolate chips go to school?

To become smarties.

What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowstorm?

Frostbite.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Helen
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:03 AM

Jeri,

(Sorry for the typo on your name before - I didn't mean to call you Jeeri - the vowels seem to repeat on any keyboard I type on)

I love the song. I didn't see it before, mainly because of my lethargic checking out of thread titles over the last few months - I just couldn't get the energy up to check out all the threads with interesting titles.

I'm trying to decide whether to inflict some of my other jokes on you guys. I'll spare you the pain, just for the present, but I'll be back.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Banjer
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:44 AM

Spare us the pain"? Oh for crying out loud, Helen. Anyone can see from the previous posts we must all be somewhat masochistic, so please bring on your best (or worst) whichever you consider it. Just to prove how masochictic some are, I submit the following:

During the reign of Alexander the Great there where many folks with powers long forgotten. One was Alexander's personal alchemist. He designed for Alexander a piece of cloth which was soaked in certain chemicals. These chemicals would change color with the passing of time. He advised his master that if he would wear this piece of cloth on his person that he would instantly know what time of day it was by the color of it! Alexander took the rag and wrapped it around his wrist, much like a modern day watch. This new invention soon became known through out the land as.......Alexander's Rag Time Band.

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Jeri
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 08:38 AM

Helen, I hope all this is helping. Be advised the next step in your recovery is the actual telling of jokes. Additionally, at some point, you're going to simply want revenge. I'm going to trace this thread - it's got jokes in it that even Kendall hasn't heard!

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Pelrad
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 12:50 PM

A duck waddles into a bar, hops up onto the stool and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender glares at him. "Does this look like a grocery store? No grapes here."

"Okay," says the duck. He hops off the stool and waddles out.

Three days in a row, the duck comes into the bar and asks for grapes. Finally, the bartender is at the end of his patience, and explodes, "For the last time, this is a bar! We do not have grapes! The next time you ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck says, "Okay," and waddles out of the bar.

The next day, in comes the duck. As he hops up onto the stool, the bartender glares suspiciously. The duck asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender is fed up. "This is not a hardware store, either! We have no nails!"

The duck looks him in the eye and says, "Okay...Got any grapes?"

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: kendall
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 12:53 PM

Oh yeah?? maybe so, but, it aint gonna be easy!! take your best shot..

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: JamesJim
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:30 PM

Another "hard of hearing" story:

A older couple from Vermont were driving south and stopped at a service station in a small town in Tennessee. The old gentleman got out to fill up his car and the service attendant came out to check his oil. The attendant asks, "where ya from?" The old man says, "we're from Vermont." At that, his wife asks, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he asked where we're from and I told him Vermont."

The attendant then says, "hey, I used to live in Vermont." Before the old man could ask him where, his wife said, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he said he used to live in Vermont."

The old man asks the attendant where he lived in Vermont and he responded, "on a farm in mid-state Vermont." The old man says, "hey, we live in mid-state Vermont." At that the wife again asks, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he said he used to live on a farm in mid-state Vermont."

The attendant then says, "yeah, I lived there with a nice lady. She sure could cook and man did she keep a good house. But brother, was she ever lousy in bed." And the old woman again says, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he says he thinks he knows you."

Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
From: Gary T
Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:39 PM

A fellow mentions in conversation that he has eleven children. His friend says "Eleven kids! Why so many?"

"It's because my wife is hard of hearing."

"Hard of hearing? What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, every night when we get into bed, I say 'Honey, do you want to go to sleep, or what?' Then she says 'What?'"