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BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008!
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: wlisk Date: 25 Jan 08 - 10:21 AM A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f-----' blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. The End |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Amos Date: 25 Jan 08 - 01:33 PM Kendall told that one years and years back!! In other news, sometimes The Onion goes completely over the top. I warnedja!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Jan 08 - 10:44 AM A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, his wife, who is no dummy, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Jan 08 - 06:16 PM WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don' t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bryn Pugh Date: 29 Jan 08 - 07:17 AM Little Billy was an hour and a half late into School. 'Why are you so late, Billy ?' asks the teacher. 'Me dad got burnt this morning, Miss', comes the reply. 'Oh, I am sorry. Was he badly burnt, Billy ?' 'Well, Miss, they don't fuck about at the cremmy'. I'll get me Barbour . . . |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Date: 30 Jan 08 - 06:21 AM Phone call from daddy Ring - Ring 'Hello ?' 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?' 'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.' Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay Daddy, just a minute.' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it Daddy.' 'And what happened honey?' 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Dead Horse Date: 30 Jan 08 - 11:33 AM A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said "Lets talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up conversation with your fellow passenger". The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about"? Oh, i don't know, said the stranger. "How about nuclear power"? "OK" she said. "That would be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says "Hmmm, i have no idea". To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: katlaughing Date: 30 Jan 08 - 11:49 AM The statistic on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 31 Jan 08 - 08:47 AM "Sun vs Shade" The pastor's sermon focused on how God knows which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade. "For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade." After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him. "Your sermon did me so much good," she said. Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 31 Jan 08 - 04:08 PM Two Jews were discussing great Jews in history. Well, i think the greatest Jew who evet lived was Moses. Moses was a fool. How can you say that? He was a great leader. He was a schmuck. What's got into you. Look, he led the People of Israel out of the Land of Egypt, thru the desert in 40 years - a great feat with no public transport, and led them to the Promised Land. What more do you want?!!???!?? Aaaaah yes, but that's where he went wrong. He turned left. And we got the oranges. If he'd have turned right, we'd have got the oil. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,petr Date: 31 Jan 08 - 09:19 PM a little boy keeps sucking his thumb. His mother says - if you keep doing that you're going to get really fat. ON the bus a pregnant lady sits opposite the boy, he looks at her and says 'I know what you've been doing!' 2 race horses are talking to each other. One says I really love the way the jockey rides on me, and kicks me with his heels. The other horse say I know I turns me on when they wrap their legs around me and beat me with the little whip. Just then a greyhound walks by and says - well I really like it too, when the put me on the race track and I chase that rabbit contraption but can never quite catch it.. THe one horse says to the other. Hey, a talking dog! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Feb 08 - 01:08 PM "Tough Cowboy" A tough old cowboy from Amarillo, Texas, counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grand-children, 25 great-great grandchildren, ... and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 01 Feb 08 - 02:52 PM LOL,Uncle. Where in tarnation (think that's the right word) do you get your gems, Yours in envy,non desperado Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Feb 08 - 05:39 PM "The New Bicycle" I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face he pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Doug Chadwick Date: 01 Feb 08 - 07:47 PM Déjà-vu |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Peace Date: 02 Feb 08 - 12:24 AM Joe E. Lewis - "I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Feb 08 - 05:33 PM This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address occur in the same week. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events-- One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 02 Feb 08 - 07:33 PM Followin' Un cle DaveO's 'Groundhog Day' dit, Aah wez readin' an Interview with Chris Rock - Very funny black American comedian - and he was asked about Obama's chances in the forthcomng presidential elections. "Why can't we have a black president?2 He said. "We've had a reard for two terms!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Doug Chadwick Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:43 AM A visiting General was due to inspect an army camp. Walls were whitewashed, windows polished and the flagpole painted. Everything was spick and span. When the General drove over the hill, he was horrified to see the camp gleaming in the sunshine. It was an easy target for the enemy. He called on the commanding officer and angrily demanded that the camp be camouflaged, saying that he would be back in six months for another inspection. Six months later, he drives over the hill and is amazed to find no sight of the camp, just a pastoral scene with sheep on the hills, cows in the meadow and a babbling brook running through the valley bottom. He checks his GPS and map and, sure enough, he is in the right place. He makes his way down to where he knows the camp entrance ought to be when suddenly a tree runs across in front of him, forcing him to make an emergency stop. "SOLDIER!" he screams, "Stop right there". The tree snaps to attention. "Do you realise that you ruined a perfect camouflage. By moving, you could have given your position away to the enemy. I hope you've got a good explanation." "Yes sir" stuttered the soldier. "When a dog cocks its leg against me, I'll stand there for Queen and country;" "When a bird makes a nest in my hair and lays an egg down the back of my neck, I'll stand there for Queen and country;" "But I draw the line when a squirrel runs up the inside of my trouser leg and shouts 'Oh goody, nuts! I'll have one now and save one for winter'." DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Feb 08 - 03:57 PM "Painting Pains" I'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right so back to the paint store I went. As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster." I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Schantieman Date: 04 Feb 08 - 03:58 AM Two gems from a dinner the othe night: Time is what keeps everything from happenimg at once. A southerner (like me) who's lived up north for longer than I have, back in the dim and distant was driving through Widnes looking for one of those big DIY shops. "I say", he asked of a local, winding down the window, "Is there a B & Q in Widnes?" The Widnesian stood for a moment contemplating the question and then repeated it: "Is ther a B & Q in Widnes?..... No, I don't believe there is; there's a B in Bolton and a Q in Queensferry but not in Widnes." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Michael Date: 04 Feb 08 - 06:07 PM True story: a friend was supposed to be going on a trip to Germany with his wife and her sister but he was too ill and they went without him. He was hobbling back from the newsagents when a neighbour stopped him and said;'I thought you were away this week'. He explained,she said 'I bet you're fed up then.' 'Yes' he replied, 'I'm off to the library for a book on euthanasia.' 'Oh I thought she'd gone to Gemany'. Mike |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bert Date: 05 Feb 08 - 03:49 AM LOL Mike, Reminds me of the time when I was in Alabama. I was talking to this woman and she asked where I was from. I said I was from England originally but have lived in the Middle East and Dallas and Colorado, so I guess I'm nomadic! She said "Where's that?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Steve Shaw Date: 05 Feb 08 - 08:19 AM A woman with a mild hormonal imbalance was put on a course of testosterone by her doctor and told to come back in a month to see how she was getting on. "Well, how are things?" asked the doctor. "Oh, I feel fine," she said, "but I'm a bit worried about the extra hair growth I'm experiencing." "Oh, don't concern yourself with that!" said the doc. "Testosterone is the male sex hormone after all, and some extra hair growth is only to be expected! Where abouts are you noticing the hair?" "On my balls." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bryn Pugh Date: 05 Feb 08 - 09:12 AM Synchronicity, perhaps - I find I have made two references to elephants in other threads. So An elephant escaped from the circus. Some time later the police received a phone call from a harassed lady : 'There's an animal in my front garden with a tail at each end of its body, and you would not believe what it's doing with my currant buns !' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Feb 08 - 10:20 AM And now for some one-liners: Sign in the window of a secondhand shop: "For sale. Stuff with previous experience." Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. There's a book that tells you where you should go on your vacation. It's called your checkbook. Nobody ever got their money's worth out of a tube of Super Glue. Everyone has an opinion about everything. At least that's what I think. The end is near when a Happy Meal costs more than a share of Delta stock! I'm not too bad a cook, but my doctor told me to start eating out. A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. Both men and women are fallible. The difference is, women know it. I'm from Poland and I demand that the NCAA change "pole vault" to "stick vault." Current Republican leadership is more interested in checks than balances. Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later in life. Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do. It's too bad for the middle-income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them. Optimist sees only the bagel. Pessimist sees only the hole. Pragmatist just eats the bagel. Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. Nothing written in fine print is ever good news. Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. A good listener is usually thinking about something else. Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms. Enjoy yourself NOW! These are the good old days you're going to miss later. The world is round; it has no point. Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Grow angry slowly, there's plenty of time. My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service. When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant, is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Mountain climbers always rope themselves together, probably to prevent the sensible ones from going home. Handling a group of kindergartners is like trying to keep thirty corks under water at once. Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers, and profits are up. Now they have six thousand more people living on macaroni and cheese. Rationalization: A mental exercise that allows you to lie without the accompanying guilt. It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" A man will marry a woman because he needs a mother he can communicate with. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: GUEST,Roger the Skiffler sans cookie Date: 05 Feb 08 - 12:24 PM Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to High Wycombe and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Newport Boy Date: 06 Feb 08 - 10:00 AM Hardly a joke, but not worth starting a new thread. The Guardian publishes a column of corrections, and today we have: Whether the romance of the French president and Carla Bruni was very pubic only they can say. We meant to say it was very public. Phil |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Feb 08 - 01:23 PM Yes, I know this isn't really a joke, but I still think it's a good place to Mudcatize this link: SQUIRREL IN CHURCH Click and enjoy! Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: frogprince Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:12 AM It's too bad for the middle-income person. They earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Feb 08 - 10:40 AM From another thread - if Feb 12 is Darwin Day, does that make the 11th Mitochondrial Eve? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: MudGuard Date: 07 Feb 08 - 12:01 PM frogprince, that's a joke, isn't it. Think it thru again whether "little" makes sense there ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Feb 08 - 04:48 PM "Going, going,.... gone!" A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: wlisk Date: 07 Feb 08 - 09:17 PM A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal. "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" he asked the centipede in the box. But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time--this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?" A tiny little voice came squeezing out of the box in reply, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: frogprince Date: 07 Feb 08 - 11:15 PM Ah..Mudguard? Uncle Dave,s long list of short items included: "It's too bad for the middle-income person. They earn too little to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them." But Americans who make massive amounts of money can afford any number of ways to avoid paying proportionate taxes. If they aren't trying to avoid it anyhow, G.W.B. gives them massive tax breaks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: severed-head Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:20 AM Hamish rings his friend Alex. "Hi Alex. There's party at my place tonight. Plenty of booze. I hope you can come." "Well Hamish, I'd love to come but we have a nasty case of laryngitis here". "Just bring it along" Hamish replies "we'll drink anything" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx After the birth of her first child, the young housewife became obsessed with cleanliness and hygiene, and went to great lengths to disinfect and sterilise everything with which her baby might come into contact. One day the baby was cutting his first tooth, and she sought the advice of an old friend as to what she should do. "Don't worry," advised her friend, "just put your finger gently into its mouth…" Then broke off, noticing the mother's horrified expression, and added hastily, "Naturally you boil the finger first." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 08 Feb 08 - 12:34 PM A young writer decided he would make better progress on the novel he was working on in a peaceful rural environment. So, he rented a cabin on several hundred acres of woodland in the hills of western Kentucky. He'd been there about a month without seeing another soul, when he heard a knock on the cabin door. He opened the door and has greated by a grizzled old man. "Howdy," the old man said, "I'm yore neighbor from acrost th' crick. I seed th' woodsmoke frum yore chimley an' knowed they wuz somebody livin' here. I come over 'cause we'z gonna be havin' a liddle party tonight an' wuz wunderin' if'n you'd wanna drop by." The young writer thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "Sure. I've been here alone for a month now and seeing some other people would be nice." "Good," said the old man. "They's apt t' be some drinkin' at this party. Ya don't mind that, do ya?" "No," replied the writer, "I don't drink much, but I don't mind a beer every now and then." "All right," said the old man. "They might be some fightin' at this party. Izzat okay?" "Well," replied the writer, "I'm a pretty peaceful guy myself, but I'm not going to get in the way if that's how you folks up here like to entertain yourselves." "Good," said the old man. "They's probly gonna be some fuckin' at this party too. You don't have no problem with that, do ya?" The writer thought for a few seconds and replied, "I'm from the big city and I've been to some pretty wild parties, some that have turned into downright orgies. I doubt there's much you folks would be doing that I haven't seen before." "Well all right," said the old man. "Th' party's gonna start about seven. Just turn right outta yore driveway an' it's th' next mailbox, 'bout a mile down th' road." Then he turned and began to walk away. "Wait a moment," called out the writer. "Should I bring anything to the party?" The old man turned around and said, "You can if ya want to, but it don't really matter. They ain't gonna be nobody but you an' me." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Feb 08 - 03:37 PM "Upset Newlywed" Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 08 Feb 08 - 07:18 PM There's a doctor walking down the corridor in a hospital when he hears a scream. Just then a door opens and a man runs out with a nurse chasing him with a steaming kettle. The doctor stops the nurse and says, "No, Nurse! I said for you to prick his boil!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: katlaughing Date: 08 Feb 08 - 11:56 PM I found this on another music message board where they were discussing onomatopoeias. It was signed "unsigned:" Season being Lent, as it is, young man goes to CONFESSION. Having a little bother with sins of the FLESH. Becoming enslaved to his BASER urgings. Confessor suitably shocked. Fire and brimstone. Gates of HELL are opening wide. Young man CONTRITE, REPENTANT. ...BUT, needs some practical advice on how to deal with this VICE. ADVICE forthcoming, to wit: When you feel the bestial URGE RISING within you, advises the confessor, take hold of your member. Show him that you are in charge. Call on him to DIE so that you may LIVE in GOD'S holy GRACE. . . . 5 our fathers, five hail marys, five glory be . . . TIME passes. URGES do arise, or attempt to arise. But, the young man is up to the challenge. Member cannot withstand the young man's WITHERING, ICY blast of DIE. Member is pathetic, pleads for a little PLEASURE ... to no avail. YM is MASTER of his DOMAIN. Time passes. Challenges become more POTENT. The OLD MAN in him starts to gain ASCENDANCY. Our young friend is in GRAVE danger for his MORTAL SOUL, but he is DETERMINED not to submit or yield (something like SATAN in Milton's PL). He takes a firm grip of his member and calls out DIE. Far from dying, the member laughs at his MASTER (sic). YM calls out again with more intensity, DIE, DIE. The OLD MAN , far from being beaten, SWELLS with (false) PRIDE, and throws back the challenge in his face. Again, the young man calls out DIE ! DIE! DIE! (with increasing tempo) die-die-die-diddly-idle-didal-didal ... (tempo increasing to 180 . . . before dropping to Martin Hayes tempo). |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Feb 08 - 01:49 PM I figure he could kill it by making its head explode! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Walrus Date: 10 Feb 08 - 04:43 AM Cross Channel Swimmers There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set. One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead. "There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette. "No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?" "What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Bill D Date: 10 Feb 08 - 08:47 AM "You guy's cheated" ....tsk! an apsotrophe! Seems like the blond wrote the joke. (Is that the same blond who tried to swim the channel 2 years earlier, and after swimming 3/4 of the way across, decided she couldn't make it....so she turned around and swam back?) -------------------------------------------------------------------- The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies..... "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be aproximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you dumb ass, someone has stolen our tent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 10 Feb 08 - 10:37 AM My Lone Ranger joke. Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when they see a line of Indians ahead (it's a very old joke, so bare with me - is that right, 'bare'?). So they wheel to the left. There are men on that horizon too. So they wheel to the left. Only to see more. They turn thru 45" once more - same result. Lone Ranger says,"We're surrounded!" "Kemi Sabi, whaddya mean 'we'?" PS.If that is totally unacceptable,I drop it from the act forthwith. Holding no hostages, i offer one to displ ...well, anyway. The first travellers to what we now call the US meet their first native Americans. After the translating gets sufficiently sorted out, the travellers ask, waving their arms in a grand sweep, "Whar do you call this place?" One of the N.A.s says,"Well, we call it 'Ours'". xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx One day, little benny says to his Dad,"Daddy, what's the Stock Market?" Dad says, "Benny, I'l tell you when you're old enough." "I am old enough if you explain it simply." "Alright. I buy three chickens, and soon they lay eggs, I sell some eggs to get my money back for the chickens. Meantime the eggs eventually turn into loads of chickens. And so on like that. See, that's the Stock market." "Yes, I see." "And then, one day, rains like from the Bible come along and wash away all the chickens I had. That's also the Stock market. 'Cos I realise I should have bought ducks !!!" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child. Eventually. (Steven Wright) I ran three miles today. In the end, I shouted,"Lady, take your purse." (Emo Philips) My mother is Jewish and my father is Catholic. When I went to confession, I'd pray,"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I think you know my lawyer, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher) Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 10 Feb 08 - 11:52 AM Corrections and Clarifications. 'quicksand' and 'confession' Shame there's no retrieve button to redo errors before final posting. But then Mercury is still retrograde. Ivor
Changed them for you. I thought "quicksend" was some kind of Steven Wright thing I didn't *get*! Thanks! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 10 Feb 08 - 12:48 PM Before posting, I ALMOST always use the "Preview" box, and then submit. I find I can proofread my post a lot better in the clean, clear, bold presentation that results than in my original typed version. Only after it passes that test will I hit "Submit". Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 10 Feb 08 - 03:33 PM Q. So thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's what it is. ck. It's like that law of life - If all else fails, reaf the instructions. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: The Walrus Date: 10 Feb 08 - 07:05 PM My excuse for the spelling/puctuation error is simpler - I nicked the joke from eslewhere and didn't bother to proof read. W |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: autolycus Date: 11 Feb 08 - 01:48 AM Thanks, el Joe. The usual cheque in the post. Irvo |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke thread of 2008! From: Leadfingers Date: 11 Feb 08 - 03:23 AM 100 |
