BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 05:06 PM

Christmas joke:-

Three men were killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. They reach the gates of Heaven and St. Peter says if you you can show me something that represents Christmas I will give you free pass.
The first guy pulls a cigarette lighter from his pocket and says "candles". The next one pulls some keys from his pocket, shakes them and says "bells". The last guy is fumbling around in his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of ladies panties and says "these are Carols".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM

Oh, I had totally forgotten this joke!

Two sociologists are walking down the street, and see someone lying in the gutter, bleeding, having been severely assaulted. One sociologist turns to the other and says, whoever did this needs our help!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 08:47 AM

Two psychics meet on the street and one says "your ok how am I".

sorry

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 09:11 AM

Seen - a placard carrying protester on a video

"Please Jesus, protect me from your followers"

a nice variation on the epithet "Thank God I'm an atheist"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM

Mr Red: That's no joke. Kipling wrote a fine poem on that theme. I'd post it if I knew how to dig it up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:41 PM

Some jokes are deeper than others.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 05:31 AM

Couple of seasonal jokes from Steve

Pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says, would you like a pint? Horse says, no, two halves please

I used to have a job as the front end of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:09 AM

I asked my ex-wife what she would do if I won the lottery.....she replied.' I would take my half and leave you'!!, I said 'Great I won £100, here's your £50 now go!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:33 AM

A man rushes into the house and calls out to his wife:
"Pack your bags. I've just won the jackpot on the lottery!".

"That's fantastic" says his wife. "Should I pack for the mountains or the coast?".

"I don't care" he replies. "Just pack your bags and go!".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 11:06 AM

This one's a bit off color-         

A woman took her Great Dane to the vet and unexpectedly ran into one of her friends in the waiting room.
"Hi, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm having my Poodle fixed because he's so randy that every time I bend over he tries to mount me."
"Oh, mine's always trying to mount me as well."
"So, are you also having him fixed?"
"No, I'm having his nails clipped."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Feb 24 - 10:05 AM

Militant atheist Tshirt I didn't buy:

There's no goddamn god, god damn it!

Militant agnostic ditto: I don't know and you don't, either.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 03:36 AM

Baseball cap - One for the Trump threads   available here

"Make Orwell Fiction Again"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 05:45 AM

I once paid £120 for my ex wife to have a facepack.....For awhile she looked really beautiful.... but then they took the facepack off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 12:47 PM

Distress (v): to give a hippie a haircut.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 02:07 PM

These are terrible jokes. Up your standard, lads, please.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 04:58 PM

I don't get it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 24 - 09:06 PM

Make Orwell fiction again! Bwahahahah!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 05:21 AM

Here's Steve's contribution to raise the bar:-D

Out there in the Wild West, a bloke charged into the saloon bar in panic, "Hey folks! Big Earl is a-ridin' into town!"

Panic engulfed the bar, and within thirty seconds the bar was emptied as everyone fled. All except for bartender, who was new around there. He'd never heard of Big Earl and wondered what the fuss was about.

Just then, this huge bloke, six foot eight and built like a brick shithouse, burst into the saloon, breaking off the swing doors, smashing chairs and grabbing the bartender by the throat.

"WHISKY!" he roared. The terrorised bartender put a bottle of whisky and a glass on the counter. The guy brushed the glass aside, ripped the top of the bottle off with his teeth and swigged the whole bottle down in two big gulps.

"Is there anything else I can get you sir?" trembled the bartender.

"No thanks, gotta run. Big Earl's a-ridin' into town..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM

My ex wife told me that she had a kettle, an iron, a toaster, an electric oven, electric can opener, electric mixer and an electric juicer but had nowhere to sit in the kitchen....I bought her an electric chair.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 09:50 AM

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 04:59 AM

Another from Steve :-D

Bloke went into a bakers, and he said, "I'll have a couple of those rolls in the window there please."
The baker grabbed a pair of tongs and a paper bag and took the rolls out from the window and put them in the paper bag.
"And could I have two of those small cakes there in the window please."
"Certainly, sir." The baker took another paper bag, and with his pair of tongs he took the two cakes out of the window, and put them carefully in the paper bag.
"I must say," said the chap, "I'm very impressed by the fact that you use tongs to handle everything and don't touch things with your hands."
"Oh yes," said the baker, "we always attend very carefully to hygiene in this shop. No human hand ever touches our foods!"
The chap said, "I can't help noticing, though, that you have a long piece of string hanging from the front of your trousers. What's that all about?"
"Ah," said the baker, "if need to go for a wee, I don't like to touch anything 'down there' for hygiene reasons, so I pull the piece of string and my old man simply pops out and I can have a wee!"
"Wow, that's very hygienic," said the chap. "Just one little thing, though. How do you manage to put your, er, 'old man' back in again once you've had a wee?"
"No problem," said the baker. "I just use these tongs... "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 07:07 AM

Typical juvenile pee or poop joke. Be glad it's not yours Dave.


Did you hear about the parents who murdered 14 babies by throwing them out with the bathwater in Alabama?

OMG THAT'S AWFUL

They had an accomplice who washed out the petri dishes at the IVF clinic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 09:28 AM

My ex wife always told me when she had enjoyed making love.....she even phoned me once from Hong Kong

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 11:09 AM

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 24 - 02:12 PM

You still don't understand do you Don.

Juvenile pee or poop JOKES = OK on a joke thread

Dons insane ramblings = Don't belong anywhere

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 03:54 AM

Another one from Steve

This bloke in America was on trial for murder. A conviction would mean the death sentence. His best mate spotted a chap on the jury who looked a bit like a leftie hippie liberal, so he thought he'd have a go at bribing him.

He sought the juror out secretly, and offered him ten thousand dollars if he could get the conviction changed to manslaughter.

A few weeks later the trial finished and the verdict was manslaughter. The convicted man's friend met up with the juror, gave him the ten grand, thanked him profusely and asked him how he'd done it.

"Well, it wasn't easy," he said. "I did persuade the other eleven to convict him of manslaughter in the end as you asked, even though the rest of them wanted to let him go..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 07:19 AM

A confederate stooge is a true failing for Dave who used to be his own man. His ad hominem claims are not even his own. Perhaps new pub pals would lift his spirits. The pandemic is over but a loneliness epidemic is still holding on. Find happier blokes. Tired jokes do not make a mirthful man. Remember, whether it’s “mate,” “buddy,” or just a good old fashioned “mister,” at the end of the day, jokes are all about friendly mirth. Unless he’s taken the last two slices of pizza... then all bets are off!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 07:22 AM

Got any of your own, Dave? This is getting a little creepy.

Wife: Do you want some dinner?

Husband: What are my options?

Wife: Yes or no.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 08:01 AM

I have, gillymor, but as Steve can no longer post below the line even though he started the thread, I am relaying jokes!

What's green and brown, got 8 legs and if it fell on you from a tree, it would kill you?

A snooker table.

What do you call a sensible post from Donuel?

Dunno. Never seen one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 08:23 AM

a joke needs correction. In America, a jury does not decide charges.
An alternate charge must be made by the State or prosecution and there are rules that apply to that. A jury may only determine guilty, not guilty, or hopelessly hung. They can not decide on a lesser or greater charge. There is great latitude when awarding penalties and damages.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."


I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury looked over at the door waiting for the person to walk through. Of course, the person did not walk through. I then told the jury, look, that proves you have some reasonable doubt that my client is nnocent because you were waiting for the victim to walk through the door. That’s it, that was my closing argument.
The jury came back with a guilty verdict. I asked the jury after, and I said you all looked at the door. The jury said ‘Yeah, we all did look at the door. But guess who did not?
Your client.’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 08:36 AM

Not bad at long last, Don! I'm pinching the first offender one

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 05:15 AM

A man goes into pub with his wife. As they sit down, he gives a deep sigh. "What's wrong?" asks his wife.

"Sonia's here".

"What! Sonia your first wife?"

"Yes" he replies with dismay.

She turns to look across the room. "She seems to be knocking back the gin!"

"Yes" he says. "She started drinking after the divorce and she hasn't stopped since".

"That's more than ten years" she says. "You wouldn't think anyone would celebrate that long!"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 05:52 AM

Were you complaining about my posting of Steve's jokes, Don? I just found this -

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 08:25 PM

An old one but good enough to repeat (I hope...)

A man was standing in the dock. The prosecutor read out the charge, that he'd assaulted his wife over her head with his guitar.

The judge peered at the bloke over his specs and said to him, "First offender?"

"No, your honour, first a Les Paul then a Fender..."

I take back my earlier compliment!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 06:36 AM

I'm not sure if this is a joke but I've got a midnight blue Stratocaster that I've been upgrading the last couple of decades and have changed everything out but the body and the strap buttons. You might say it's transfendered.

Reminds of that old carpenter's joke-
This has been a great hammer, I've changed out the head twice, the handle 3 times and it's still going strong.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 09:28 AM

An ancient couple had friends round for a cup of tea. The ladies were in the kitchen and the two chaps were having a natter.
"We went to a really good restaurant last night," said the old boy.
"Really?" said his friend. "We've been looking for good restaurants to go to round here. What was the name?"
"Oh dear, I can't remember," said the old boy. "Let me think: what's that flower called, you know, the one that comes in different colours, it's got a nice scent, and I think it's got thorns up its stem...?"
"Rose?" suggested his friend.
"Ah, that's it!"
He called into the kitchen, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to last night?"

You will have to guess who that is from. Adds to the fun :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 03:52 PM

A business had a sign on the window saying “Help Wanted. Must be proficient typist, know how to use the internet, and be bilingual.” A dog walking by picks up the sign in its teeth, and approaches the boss, who assumes correctly that the dog wants to apply for the job.

“Come on,” the man says, “Dogs can’t type.” So the dog sits down at the keyboard and types this message: “Dogs can type just fine.”

“How about computers?” the boss asks. So the dog does a Google search and finds pages of information about the capabilities of canines.

“But the sign also says you would need to be bilingual,” the boss adds.

And the dog replies, “Meow.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 05:49 PM

There's a gravestone at the top of our street, which is odd in itself. Even stranger is that the deceased lived to the ripe old age of 109.

Bloke called Miles. From London

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 05:48 AM

You will have to guess who that is from. Adds to the fun :-D

My bet is on Steve, as he posted the same joke, word for word, back in September

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 05:56 AM

OK, I'm wrong! It wasn't exactly word for word, so maybe it was your retelling, Dave, but my money is still on Steve.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 06:31 AM

The dog joke tacitly brings up a feature of AI.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 06:49 AM

Actually it was Stave the Gnome.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 07:32 AM

Nah, it was Dave Shawt (Gerrit - shawt - gnome)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 07:35 AM

Ahh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 09:27 AM

Walking by a church, saw a group of people, some in black, some in pastels, some laughing, some crying... couldn't tell if it was a wedding or a funeral.

Then I saw the hearse. It was a dead giveaway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 10:19 AM

From the collective collection...

A bloke phoned the vet in a blind panic and shouted down the phone, "Quick! My dog's just swallowed a condom!"

"Right," said the vet, "Don't worry - stay there and I'll be round in ten minutes..."

Five minutes later he phoned the vet again and said in a much calmer tone, "It's OK, you don't need to come now. I've just found another one in the top drawer..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 12:31 PM

When Viagra first came onto the market, I went to the local pharmacist and asked her to tell me how it worked and what it really did. She gave a great run-down for me and I decided to buy some....I asked, 'Can I get it over the counter'?.... She said 'Well maybe if you took two'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 03:17 PM

I got home from the pub four hours late last night.

“Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife.

I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes? Well that does it! You can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house any more.”

Later on I said "I'm going back to the pub. Get your coat on."

"Oh, are you taking me?" She asked

"No, I'm turning the heating off."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Reinhard
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 03:44 PM

That's not a joke but a description of an egoistic a**hole.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Feb 24 - 04:38 PM

That is pretty much the point Reinhard.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Feb 24 - 04:52 PM

150!

A couple were in the restaurant. They noticed that the waiter's fingers and thumbs were in the soup he brought them. They were annoyed but said nowt. But the same thing happened with the main course - his finger and thumb tips were in the gravy. They fumed but decided not to spoil a beautiful evening.

But when the puddings arrived with his digits in the custard, it was a bridge too far. "Oi, mate, what the hell do you think you're doing!"

"Well, I have arthritis in my fingers and thumbs and the doctor told me to keep them warm at all times..."

"That's disgusting! You'll get no tip from me and you can shove your arthritic fingers up your arse!"

He said, "I do, in between courses..."