BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................

Subject: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:02 PM

Man walks into a bar,...........................

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:14 PM

"OUCH" - it was an iron bar.....

LTS (via Tommy Cooper)

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:15 PM

...knocks himself silly, bleeds all of the place.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:42 PM

...took 3 stiches to fix..

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:43 PM

...an' got ett. It wur a Grizzly Bar.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:45 PM

actually, man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The barkeep looks up and says "You're looking different tonight!"

"I ought to", says the duck, "I have this man under my feet."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: GUEST,Martin
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:50 PM

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Dani
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:14 PM

Three-legged dog swaggers through the saloon doors:

"I'm a-lookin' fer the man who shot my paw..."

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:27 PM

Man walks in to a bar. Bartender says you need a tie to be in this establishment. Man goes to car, the only thing he can find that he can tie around his neck is a pair of jumper cables. Bartender says, Ok, just don't try to start anything.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:28 PM

Skeleton walks into a bar. I'll have a beer.




and


a




Mop

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Morticia
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:33 PM

with a priest, a rabbi and a vicar. The barman says, Is this some kind of a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:51 PM

Lady walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one ....

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: vectis
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:03 PM

A sandwich walks into a bar.
Sorry, says the barman
We don't serve food.........

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:11 PM

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of bitter.

"Certainly sir" says the barman, as he pulls him a pint. "That will be £1.60 please."

The man hands him £2 and says "Keep the change."

The man downs the beer and then walks homw without anthing odd happening.

Must be something controversial in there surely...:-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:21 PM

Man walks into a bar in UK Orders a pint and a Packet of Helicopter Crisps. Barman says we dont do Helicopter Crisps so Man says 'OK I'll have Plane .

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Justa Picker
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:42 PM

... and sits down beside a good looking blonde at the bar.
Drinks a couple of drinks quietly and then very non-chalantly pulls out a live green frog from his pocket and places it on the bar beside his drink...

After a minute or 2, the blonde notices the frogs and says to the guy "my god is that a REAL frog?" and the guy says "yup it is and I paid 500 dollars for it."

She says "oh yeah? What makes that frog so special?" And he very quietly whispers in her ear "this frog will pleasure you down below like never before in your life." She tells him to go to hell and they both continue drinking without saying much to each other - the entire time the frog is still sitting on the bar.

Finally it's getting to be closing time and she's as drunk as a skunk and she starts eyeballing the frog and says the to the guy "No shit...does it really do what you claim it does?" And he says "I guarantee it.."

So they grab a cab and go back to her place.
She freshens up and says to the guy "Okay bring the frog into my bedroom".. and so he does and she gets naked and lies spread eagled on her back...and he places the frog at the edge of the bed.

The frog just sits there. Doesn't move.
So the guy moves the frog a few inches closer to her ... uh...well you know... And again the frog's just sitting doin' nothing. She's starting to get frustrated...and he moves the frog so it's just a few inches from the "spot." Again nothing.

She's really getting frustrated.
The guy, feigning exhasperation picks up the frog, places it at the top of her armoire and says "Okay you little prick. This is the very last godamned time I'm gonna show you."

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 08:01 PM

...with his a friend, sits down and say's, "Beer fir me and one fir my jack ass friend!"

Stunned, the bartender asks the friend "Does he always talk to you like that?" to which the frined replies...

.... "Awwwwn-heeeeeee-awwwways does...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Amos
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 08:15 PM

Termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

All right, I'm _going_!!

Sheeshe!


A

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 08:37 PM

Good 'en, Amos....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 09:34 PM

and orders single malt Scotch whisky -- specifying he wants the good stuff -- at least 20 years old.

"Yes, sir!" says the landlord (US = bartender/guy who runs the bar). "But we don't keep that kind of thing out front -- I'll have to go down to the cellar."

"That's fine."

Once in the cellar, the landlord thinks "This stuff is *so* expensive, and I bet this guy is just showing off and can't even tell the difference. I'll give him this 12-year-old single malt... he'll never know."

But when the fellow tastes it, he immediately says "This whisky is 10 years old. I asked you for TWENTY-year-old whisky. What are you trying to pull here?"

So the landlord apologises and heads back down to the cellar. But he hasn't learned his lesson. "OK, so he could tell it was only 10 years old... but he couldn't tell 16 from 20 -- I'm sure of it!"

But when he tastes the new offering, our man says "This is 16-year-old whisky. I will give you exactly one more chance to provide the drink I actually ordered. If you don't have it, then just say so and don't waste my time."

Red-faced and flustered after being caught out a second time, the landlord decides he'd better not mess about, and brings up a 22-year old single malt he's been saving for a special occasion.

When the discerning gentleman tries this one, a smile spreads across his face. "Now this is more like it! A 22-year-old whisky!"

"I have to hand it to you," says the landlord, "You really know your scotch!"

Now over in the corner, a scruffy-looking fellow who's obviously imbibed pretty heavily has been watching the proceedings intently. He waits until the scotch-drinker has finished his measure, then slides a glass over to him and says, "I'm ekshtremely impreshed! Try thish and tell me what you think..."

So our man takes a sip... and spits it out immediately. "Jeeze!" he chokes, "that tastes like f****ing PISS!"

"Yeah," says the bum. "So... tell me, how old am I?"

Cheers,

YY

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 09:48 PM

Man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered a beer. He and the bartender started talking -- it was a slow time, nothing much going on.

In walked a stunning redhead, an absolutely gorgeous woman. She strolled past the guy, down to a booth at the far end of the bar, and slid in. Five minutes later she got up and left the bar with the UGLIEST man our drinker had ever seen.

Twenty minutes later the Ugly Man was back, and five minutes after that in walked a ravishingly beautiful blonde. Same deal: back to the booth in the rear, out with the Ugly Guy, the UG comes back twenty minutes later. In comes a brunette of the same quality, same deal.

Then a woman with raven black hair. Then another blonde. And so it went.

Our Man has been observing this out of the corner of his eyes, and finally, when the UG walks out with a pair of pulchritudinous twins, he can't restrain himself.

"What the heck?" he asks the bartender. "I'm not a movie star, but that guy is an emergency brake on a 200 car freight train! Yet ALL of the woman leave with him! What's he got that I haven't, I'd like to know!"

And the bartender replied, "I don't know, I really don't. He comes in every day and sits back in that booth, drinking a little wine, working a crossword puzzle, licking his eyebrows...."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:46 PM

a WOMAN walks into a bar. It's late, and the bartender was just about to close, and tells her so...but the woman, who is a real beauty, asks him to please sell her a Budweiser first, promising she won't be long..So she downs the beer in several quick gulps.....and looks pale, and passes out!

Well, the bartender picks her up and carries her into the back room and wonders if he should call 911 or something...but she is breathing ok, and kinda moaning softly. "Hmmm..", he thinks.."this lady is beautiful, and she seems to need something, and I am here alone...so..."

So he locks the door and takes advantage of her!

Well, about 30 minutes later, she wakes up, apologizes for her reaction to the beer and leaves.

Next night, she's back again! Late, and thirsty...and the same thing happens.....one Budweiser, and she is out! The bar owner thinks he has died and gone to heaven, and once again takes advantage of the situation and the woman....and once again she revives in a bit and apologizes and leaves.

Well...NEXT night there is a late ball game on the TV and 7-8 guys from the area are there, and the bar owner has been bragging about what he's been up to. The guys don't believe him, but he says to wait and see.....So, sure enough, the woman comes in, orders a Budweiser, drinks it and passes out.

The bartender grins and locks the door, and carries her to the back, with all these amazed, but willing, guys following.....well..you can guess what happens! ....but later, she staggers out, seemingly oblivious to what has happened.

Next night, there are 15 guys in the bar, and the woman comes in on schedule. The bartender reaches for a Bud, but she says...."hold on...make that a Miller's."

"Miller's?", says the barkeep, "I thought you drank Budweiser?"

"Nope", she says.."gimme a Miller's-- Budweiser makes me SO sore!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:58 PM

........ and the barman calls him over and shows him a tiny little man, only 1 foot tall, dressed in a tuxedo and playing a beautiful miniature grand piano.

The newcomer was incredulous and asked where the tiny little man came from. The barman pulled out a rusty antique Arabian lamp and handed it across the bar. "You only get to make one wish, so speak clearly and make it a good one."

The newcomer rubbed the lamp and the oldest, crabbiest, most decrepit genie appeared. "What the hell do you want," said the genie. The man said, "I wish for a million bucks."

Almost immediately, DUCKS of all species started crashing in through the windows, flying down the chimney, beating against the outside walls of the tavern.

"NO," said the man, "BUCKS, BUCKS not ducks." At this point, the barman took the lamp back from the man, shaking his head, "I told you to speak clearly." he said. "The genie is a bit hard of hearing. You didn't really think I asked for a twelve inch PIANIST did you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: SueB
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 11:02 PM

Duck walks into a bar, says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, get out of here, we don't serve ducks."
The next night, the duck walks back into the bar, says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, we don't have any grapes, now get out of here!"
The next night, in comes the duck, says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender flips out, starts yelling and pounding his fist on the bar, says "No, we don't got any grapes, you damn duck, and if you come back in here, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the bar!"
The next night, the duck walks into the bar, says, "Got any nails?
"No."
"Got any grapes?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Dec 03 - 11:20 PM

Okay, guy walks into a bar and sits down, orders a drink and says to the bar tender "I can bite my eye..."

Bartender: "No, you can't bit your eye."

Guy: "Bet you fifty bucks I can bite my eye."

Bartender: "You're on."

So the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye... Hmmmm?

Few minutes later the guy says, "Hey, bartender, I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my other eye without takin' out my false teeth."

"You're on", say the abrtender...

The guy calmly reaches fir his right eye, which just so happens to be a glass eye, pulls it out and bites the right eye.

The bartender is now down a hundred bucks.

The guy say to the bartender "Bet you the hundred dollars that you just lost that I can stand up on your bar and pee into shot glass as you slide it down the bar and not get a drop of pee on your bar.

"You're on" shouts the bar tender, knowing that he is about to get his hundred buck back.

So the bartender slides the shot glass down the bar and the guy pees all over the bartenders bar, gives the hundred dollars back to the bartender and walks out...

The bartender looks down at the end of the bar and there are a couple of guys wringing their hands and moanin' so bartender asks, "What's the proble with you guys?" to which they respond....

"Ahhh, that guy who just walked out bet us five hundred dollars that he could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy.........

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Trevor
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 05:40 AM

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. 'Drink?' says the barman. 'I think not' answers Rene, and disappears.

Quasimodo walks into a bar. 'Gimme a whiskey!' 'Bells?' says the barman. 'Don't you start!' says Quasi.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: mooman
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 06:01 AM

...in the UK with an instrument and starts playing.

...and is immediately stopped as the pub has no PEI and he is disturbing the 60 people raucously watching the televised footie on a huge screen...

moo

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 06:34 AM

.... asks for a pint & a pork pie. The barman serves him, he drinks the pint, puts the pork pie on his head and walks out.
Next day, the same thing happens, buys a pint and a pork pie, drinks the pint, puts the pork pie on his head and walks out. The barman is somewhat bemused.

The next day the man comes in, asks for a pint and a pork pie.
"I'm sorry says the barman, no pork pies, only pasties."
So the man has a pint and a pasty. Drinks the pint, puts the pasty on his head and starts to leave.
"Hang on," says the barman. "I must know, why have you put that pasty on your head?"

"Well," replied the man....




You'd run out of pork pies!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 06:35 AM

.....with a giraffe.
The giraffe says "The highballs are on me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:00 AM

White horse walks into a pub and orders a pint, the barman says ' well thats incredible, we've got a whisky named the same as you '
the horse says 'what Eric ? '

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: ced2
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:15 AM

...and orders a pint and a bucket of water. He drinks his pint and takes the bucket of water outside. Returning half a minute later,he orders another pint and another bucket of water. He drinks the beer and once again goes outside with the water, again returning with the empty bucket about half a minute later. He once again orders exactly the same and exactly repeats his actions.
On entering the pub a forth time and ordering the same again the bar-tender asks him what was the reason for getting the water. The man replied that it was for his elephant, the elephant being tethered in the car park. The bar-tender was taken aback at this and expressed his incredulity where upon the man challanged him to turn his undoubted scepticism into concrete action by coverng the cost of the next pint. This the bar tender agreed to, and when the man finished the pint both of them went outside. There was the elephant who dutifully drank the water.
The bar tender then enquired as to what the man was doing with the elephant. The man replied that the elephant was capable of doing tricks and by this method both of them earned their living. The bar tender was suitably impressed and invited the man to get his elephant to do a trick and in return both man and elephant would receive more drink and food.
The bar tender then sought to ascertain what sort of trick the elephant did. The man looked thoughtful and scratched his head and in response to the enquiry asked the bar tender if he had a cat. Upon receiving an answer in the affirmative he repied that the elephan't most spectacular track was to f**k cats.
The bar tender again expressed no small measure of incredulity but was persuaded to go and fetch the cat.
Returning a couple of minutes later with an immaculately presented persian he told the man that the feline was his wife's pride and joy. The man then asked the bar steward to carefully place the feline between the elephant's rear feet. This the bar tender did with some trepidation. Upon the shout of "Now Nellie" the elephant raised it right rear foot and brought it down with some considerable force upon the cat.
Upon lifting the foot again the carnage was clearly visible, blood and guts were spread everywhere. The bar tender was beside himself with grief. He told the man that his life would not be worth living once his wife found out what had been done and questioned, not only the parentage of the man and his elephant but whether the terms of the wager had been carried out. The man simply replied that in his view the terms of the wager were implecably carried out and that food for both himself and the elepant was due for without a shadow of a doubt that cat was cerainly f**ked!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Arnie
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:46 AM

...and slips on a lump of dog s**t on the step. He looks up angrily and sees at the bar a real thug with a bulldog on the end of a thick chain. He decides that disgression is the better part of valour, picks himself up, dusts himself off and orders a pint, sitting well away from the dog owner. Within minutes the door swings open and in walks a giant of a man - who likewise slips on the dog s**t and ends up in a heap on the floor. As he picks himself up, angry and growling, the little guy, seeing that retribution on the dog-owning thug is nigh, laughs and says "Ha, I've just done that" - SMACKKKK!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Fred (Beetle) Bailey
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 10:09 AM

...with a pig on a string.
Bartender says "Hey, where'd you get him?"
Pig says "Oh I won him in a raffle."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: mooman
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 12:13 PM

...and says in a loud voice

"All lawyers are assholes...!"

"Hey...I resent that remark..!" says a drunk at the bar.

"Why...are you a lawyer...?" says our man.

"No...I'm an asshole!"



Peace

moo

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Pseudolus
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 12:39 PM

Three guyts walk into a bar, you'd think one of em woulda seen it!

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Pseudolus
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 02:35 PM

Duz speling kount?

hehehe

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Les from Hull
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 04:05 PM

... and he's shaking like a leaf, he's got green spots all over his face and he's coughing ten to the dozen. He says "I'll have two pints of Guinness, and a couple of double Jameson's while they're settling".

The barman starts the pints and puts the whiskeys on the bar. By the time the barman's brought the Guinness he's drunk the whiskeys and he immediately downs the pints.

"I shouldn't really be drinking with what I've got", he confides to the barman.

"Why, what is it you've got?" asks the barman.

"50 pence" says the man.

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 05:35 PM

...and says, "Barkeep, gimme three Guinnesses." Man drinks them all, no rush, just drinks them all. Pays for them, leaves.

Same thing the next night. And every night thereafter.

One night the bartender asks him, "Why do you order just three Guinnesses, drink them, pay, and leave? This is a nice place, you could stick around awhile you know."

"Well," replied the man, "when I left Ireland my brothers and I made a pact that every evening we'd down a pint for each other, drinking each other's health. I'm not much of a drinker, but doing this makes me think of my brothers and my family thousands of miles away."

The bartender was impressed. A really nice family ritual. And every night the man came and quietly drank his three pints.

And then the night came when he ordered only two pints.

The bartender was upset, and inquired if all was well back in Ireland -- pehaps a brother had died?

"Nah," said the man, "my brother Seamus has gone on the wagon, that's all."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,

(scroll down)





















"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:08 PM

.., my very own brother, in fact, and I was with him and can attest to the Truth of this.

After a couple of beers he stood up and shouted at the top of his voice, "Who thinks that they're the meanest, baddest, toughest MAN in this room fulla wimpy wusses?"

Well, this was a bar filled with cowboys, truckers, construction workers, and bikers. None of them were known for their caring dispositions or getting in touch with their feminine side. I kinda figured that my bro had gone a bit far, and started tugging on his sleeve to get the hell out of there while his gonads were still intact.

But everyone started looking at a guy at the end of the bar. He drew himself up to this VERY substantial height, bit a chunk off his beer mug and swallowed and jammed the rest of the broken mug down into his codpiece (which was made from half of a truck tire). Then he took a piece of barbed wire and cleaned out his nose. Finally, he turned to my brother and said, "Well, I guess thata be me, friend."

And my brother said, "Good. Take over, we're leaving."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:27 PM

And he orders 3 beers. The Bartender asks why he does not order one at a time. He replies: I live far from my 2 brothers and I like to feel I am drinking with them. The next day---same thing---and the next. The Bartender is touched and tells his patrons of this lovely and sentimental gentleman.

3 weeks later he walks in and asks for 2 beers.


Oh--says the barkeep---I am sorry to hear of your loss.

No loss, says the patron. I gave up drinking.


Bill H

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 08:50 PM

..and asks for 5 shots of whiskey. So the barkeep lines 'em up in a row...the guy downs the 3 middle ones, and tosses payment on the bar and turns to leave. "Hey..", calls the barkeep, "why didn't you drink those two?"

"Oh,", says the guy, "the first one always tastes terrible, and the last one always gets me into trouble at home."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 11:12 PM

A duck walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "A pint of Guinness and a glass of Bushmills, please." The bartender sets up the drinks and says, "We don't get many like you in here."
The duck says, "I know; I'm new in town. I'm a welder, and I just got a job in the shipyard."
So the duck drinks the pint and the half 'un, and gets up to go.
Says to the bartender, "Thanks very much. I'll see you tomorrow night."
The following night, the duck walks back into the pub and says, "A pint of Guinness and a wee Bushmills, please." The bartender sets them up, and says, You know, I've been thinking..would you be interested in earning a bit of money on the side?"
The duck says, "Oh yeah, I'm always interested in some extra cash."
The barman says, "There's a circus in town, and they could really use somebody like you."
And the duck says, "Is it a real circus, with a Big Top tent and poles and all?"
The bartender says, "Yes, it is."
The duck says, "Do they have clowns and acrobats and jugglers?"
The barman says, "Yeah, they do."
The duck says, "And do they have lions, and tigers and elephants?"
The barman says, "Yes!"
And the duck says, "What the hell do they want a welder for?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: ced2
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 08:17 AM

"Its freezing and the brass monkeys are moaning!"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: jonm
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM

.....SQUELCH......




It was a Mars bar!

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Mooh
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 09:18 AM

...and orders four shots of rye. The bartender obliges and lines up the four shots along the bar for the man to consume. One by one the shots disappear and before long the man orders four more. Again the bartender obliges, but since all this has transpired in barely ten minutes, he asks, "that's quite a display of drinking friend, what's the occassion?" The man replies, "I got my first blow job today." The bartender, impressed and with some appreciation, offers the next drink on the house, to which the man replies, "No thanks, one more won't help if eight shots can't remove the taste from my mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:41 AM

... sits down and orders a pint.

He sees a cougar seated a few stools down from him. He nods at her in greeting as he raises his pint to his lips and takes a long refreshing pull.

This dowded up barfly regards him through her thick false-eyelashed lids, half-lowered and says in a husky, breathy voice, "Want to know something, stud?"

The man lowers his glass and turns fully towards her,"Sure. What?"

She also turns completely to face him and announces proudly, "I'll fuck anybody, anywhere, any time!"

"Really?" the man answered, turning back to his drink. "What law firm are you with?"

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:51 AM

... he's a huge, very tough looking guy in army uniform. He orders a pint of guiness and a pork pie. He cuts the pie in half and then turns round, slices the ear of the customer next to him, sticks it between the two halves of pie and eats the lot. "why did you do that asks the landlord ?". The soldier points to his badge and says "because I'm in the pie-an-ear corps".


A man comes into a lot of money and buys himself a Ferrari. As he's driving around, he passes a pub with all sorts of fast expensive cars in the car park. Deciding that it looks like his sort of place he walks into the pub only to find that it's empty. He sits down, orders a drink and asks the rather attractive and very voluptous landlady where all the car owners are. She tells him that they all belong to her and that she won them in bets. She then offers to make a wager with him, all her cars to his one, that he wouldn't be able to carry out three simple tasks that her eight year old son could manage. He accepts and she bares her breasts and tells him to suck and fondle them, which he does with great pleasure, and her son does so too. She then pulls up her skirt and asks him to play with her pussy, which he enjoys even more - the boy off course also does this.
"OK Tommy", she says, "Now bend your p***k in half and ask the gentleman for the ignition keys and logbook".

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 12:02 PM

An Irish Red Setter walks into a bar, places his front paws on the bar and orders a pint of beer. The landlord is astonished, but he needs the trade so he pulls the pint and takes the proffered 5 pound note. He decides to see just how bright the dog is so he only gives it fifty pence change. Feeling that he should try to make conversation, the landlord say, "We don't get many dogs coming in here for a drink". "No", observes the dog, "With beer at four pounds fifty a pint, I don't suppose you do".

Subject: RE: BS: 'Man walks into a bar...................
From: GUEST,Boab
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:59 AM

Man walks into a bar---sees a nice blonde at the far end, makes a move....'Hey Mate--don't bother ---she's lesbian!" The guy winks"I never fail!" says he. Wanders up to the lady. "Like a drink, Hon?" A wee smile. "I don't mind!" Having paid with a flourish--' "by the way Hon--which part of Lesbia d'you come from?"