BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 09:44 PM

I am surprised you did not recognize some of Christopher Hitchins greatest jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Aug 22 - 10:12 PM

Too mennonite! Bwahaha!

Atheists and theists are like two sides of the same coin... The former use their heads, the latter rely on tales.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:30 PM

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:39 PM

Unfunny. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Jeri
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 06:48 PM

What sort of hate inspires folks to turn a should-be amusing thread into an excuse for snottiness. Please, PLEASE try to let this thread be about jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 22 - 09:31 PM

"How much is 5Q + 5Q?"
"10Q."
"You're velcome."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 03:30 AM

Seen in our local butchers the other day: amongst the sausages, one set with a sign boldly saying "Low Fat Welsh Dragon". Perhaps next time we're in town, my suggestion will have been taken up, and there'll be another sign saying "No Georges were harmed in the preparation of these sausages".

.... Afterthought: That butchers' shop prides itself on only selling meat that's come from within thirty miles of the shop. But the dragon need only have been *shot* within said thirty miles, which means they could also add a sign saying "free range".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:26 AM

Sign in butchers shop:
Week old Fowl SALE; Declawed, defeathered, desanitized and delicious.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 06:43 AM

I've made that plea dozens of times, Jeri. If you think that the 06.30pm post contained a joke...well I don't know. Calling that one out is positively unsnotty.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:45 AM

Our butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder while it was switched on. He's OK, but he just got a little behind in his work...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 08:55 AM

What did one fly say to the other?
“Is this stool taken?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 12:49 PM

Steve... what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs??...........Still no idea!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MudGuard
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 02:03 PM

Says the masochist to the sadist: please torture me!
Sadist answers: No!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Aug 22 - 07:30 PM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:15 PM

A woman came home from her doctor's appointment with a big smile on her face.

Her husband asked, "Why are you so happy?"

She said, "The doctor told me that for a 45-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen-year-old!"

"Oh yeah?" sez he, "And what did he say about your 45-year-old arse?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 08:39 PM

I went to see the doctor the other day. He told me that I had to stop masturbating.

I said, "Oh no! But why, Doc!"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 22 - 09:22 PM

I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, "Well, I can’t make Tuesdays...”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 06:32 AM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:24 AM

A man walks into his house and sees and envelope on the kitchen table. He opens it and reads the letter inside:
“Dear Mum and Dad,
I have joined a terrorist group and we a planning to take over the country by force. My part in the plot will be to plant a bomb in Buckingham Palace and kidnap a member of the Royal Family. MI5 are on to us, so I have had to make my escape while there is still time. You may not see me for a while, although you might read about me in the newspapers.
I will miss you, as I hope you will miss me.
Your loving son,
Darren.

P.S. – None of the above is true but it shows that there are worse things in this world than a bad school report. It’s behind the clock on the mantelpiece. I will be staying at Gavin’s until you have calmed down.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 05:27 PM

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike" and issues the kid a £20 bicycle violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 Sep 22 - 07:07 PM

A pensioner had been nagging her husband to get their financial affairs in order now they were getting on a bit in years. They took a trip into town, first to the insurance brokers, where the man took out a hefty life insurance. Next to the solicitor’s where they sorted out his will, leaving everything to his wife. Then on to the bank where he arranged to give his wife access to all his accounts.

As they were about to leave the bank, they heard a mighty crash and a masked man, carrying a sawn-off shotgun, burst through the door. One brave bank employee tackled the robber and pulled his mask away. Quickly replacing it, the robber shouted “you saw my face”, raised his gun and blasted the employee square in the chest. Turning to the cowering customers, he shouted “did anyone see my face?”. The couple were nearest and he thrust his gun at the woman and shouted “did you see my face?”
“N.. n .no!” she stammered, “but my husband did”.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 22 - 08:44 AM

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Sep 22 - 12:38 PM

My doctor advised me that after lockdown, I should finish off all the things I have already started and it will make me feel better..... well......... I finished the half bottle of Glenmorangie first.... thenan almos ful bodel of Glenlivet. Jus finiched anoothher alf bodel of whiskery..... now in the midel of a alf bodel of jinn........ ermmmmm godddddda go now ta git the Laughroooaiig lef in da bodel. I veeeel zo muck bedder.... eeee wus rite!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Sep 22 - 06:06 PM

It's bloody hard to stop this thread from being derailed by one or two people, especially one, which is very unfortunate as we live in a vale of tears and could do with a good laugh, or even a groan.

So here's a rejigged one, courtesy of the great Barry Cryer. Laugh or groan at will:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Queen Elizabeth

STOP THE FUNERAL!

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 07:57 AM

Mr. Red started this thread.

If Steve wants his own joke thread he should call it 'nostalgia - jokes from childhood'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 08:32 AM

Put up a joke or move on. People open this thread in hopes of finding a bit of levity, not to experience your constant whining.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 09:54 AM

I think that silly kids' jokes can sometimes tickle better than sophisticated grown-up ones (though I love those too). Groan at will:

Why did the old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was going through a stage...

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

(Sorry, I have no more coats...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:03 AM

Comedy is mean to someone like the difference between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is when someone falls in a manhole, tragedy is when it happens to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 10:05 AM

Have some more misery!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrupt—
MOO!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

No more. I have no desire for you to have me arrested...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 11:38 AM

When I entered our house the other day the first thing the wife said to me was, 'I'm homesick.'

'But this is your home,' I cried.

'Yes,' she said, 'and I'm sick of it.'

Copyright T. Cooper circa 1970

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 22 - 05:28 PM

Tommy was the best. A couple more of his:

I’ve used saccharin for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.

The minute I got off the plane in New York, 15,000 people started crowding around me. If you don’t believe me, ask Marlon Brando. He was standing right next to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 06:16 AM

I just saw this in the comments column of an ancient Guardian article which was reviewing premium brands of tinned tomatoes (I know how to live...). It made me laugh out loud:

"I love to rub olive oil, fresh basil, pine nuts, garlic and pecorino cheese all over strangers' bodies unsolicited. But then, I am a sex pest-o."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:04 AM

My choice of sexual activity is limited to three genres..... Flagellation, Necrophilia and bestiality!! Do you think I'm flogging a dead horse??

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:16 AM

Neigh, lad...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:33 AM

What a day, what a day! What a day for shoving a cucumber next door's letterbox and shouting, 'Look out, Mrs., the Martians have landed!'

Ken Dodd, early 1970s.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:39 AM

I heard this Doddy one on the radio when I was a teenager on holiday in Criccieth in 1965:

"What a wonderful day, Mrs! What a wonderful day for jumping into a supermarket trolley stark naked and shouting 'How about this for a special offer!'"

(Blimey, what am I like...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 08:40 AM

Speaking of horses-

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12:30.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Sep 22 - 09:46 AM

I just read this by Stewart Lee in the Observer:

When assembling the bill for the 1912 Royal Command Performance, to be attended by King George V, the impresario Oswald Stoll seized his chance to steer British comedy away from the radicalism and vulgarity of the music hall, sensing a much larger market for a more sanitised product. Britain’s most popular comedian of the day, Marie Lloyd, was noticeably excluded. Lloyd had sung the refrain: “She sits among the cabbages and peas” and when challenged on its meaning had offered to change the line to: “She sits among the cabbages and leeks.”

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:48 AM

SATAN SAW GOD RESURRECT ROY COHN AND PUT HIM ON LOAN TO TRUMP !
Garland and the JD moaned "Why has God forsaken us and has given Trump everything he wants"?
Satan said, "because God is a narcissist too, how do you think he became God"?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 07:53 AM

Yet another knee-slapper.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 08:37 AM

Merriam-Webster: "JOKE: something said or done to provoke laughter..."

E.g.:

Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!

Now pull yourself together, man!

It is my absolute feeling that any statement containing the word "Trump" cannot be a joke. Rather like if you live in a gated community and drive a Range Rover you can't sing the blues...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:00 PM

You described Snoop dog.
Your jokes are called Dad jokes.
Mine are political and are usually original.
Some can't help being bland just as others can't help making something new.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are never jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

'Doctor, doctor....one day I think I am a wigwam and the next a tepee'. The doc said...'Your trouble is you're too tense'!
'Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me'... 'Next patient please'!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 02:45 PM

Yes, I'll volunteer to be a non-participant in that thread.
Originality doesn't necessarily add any comic value to a joke and in many cases it's quite the opposite.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 03:58 PM

Doctor: I'm sorry to say that you have only six months to live...

Patient: Oh my God! I want a second opinion!

Doctor: OK. You're as ugly as sin...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 04:04 PM

Doctor to little old lady: You've got acute angina...

Little old lady, lifting up her jumper: Hey doc, I've got nice tits too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:44 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw - PM
Date: 22 Sep 22 - 01:06 PM

Yours are NEVER jokes. Why don't you start a thread called "Donuel's idea of jokes?" I promise not to read it and I'll try to get gillymor to do the same.
.....
I am always reminded of the paid argument sketch when you respond to anything I post. "An argument? Oh this is abuse, arguments are down the hall". ... "An argument is not the automatic naysaying of anything I say". "Yes it is", "No, it's not". "Yes, it is"...
You deserve an Emmy as the best misanthrope in a BS thread. In reality, there have been some exceptions but too few to mention.

This just in: Gillymor is the original Florida guy.

You promise to never read the American jokes? You've made promises before. If you can't handle Carlin or Pryor you will not be able to survive Chappel or Mahre.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 02:53 PM

My God, your arrogance knows bounds. Your jokes are not "American jokes." They are not jokes at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 22 - 03:00 PM

At long last you've posted something humorous- comparing yourself to Carlin, Pryor and Chappel.