BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 01:57 PM

I will never do acid again, I swear, never, never, never

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 02:01 PM

Auroch in the roast pan,
Raptor on the grill,
Granny will your cat scratch?
Chile, she will!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 02:09 PM

LOL!!!!

Brown stuff in a giant mug
Brown stuff on the floor
Scratch me with a kitty-cat,
An' I'll come back for more!!

With a ring-a-ding-a-dong, ring-a-ding-a-daddio! My that Mario sure does serve up a mean Auroch!!

LOL!!

An' then she fell in love
With a fella with a stammer
When he tried to run away,
She hit him with a hammer!!




A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 02:15 PM

She had a wooden leg,
it was holow down the middle
And when she put a string on it
she played it like a fiddle!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 03:56 PM

....meanwhile, back in the Southern Hemisphere pasture....

"So there I was just mindin' me own business when this big sumbitch with wild red hair and beard pulls me through this strange looking and awful smelling place and pushes me through the back door and here I am. I don't really mind the change in the weather too much, ya know. It were snowin' to beat the band back in that other place. Nice and warm here. But, it was gettin' on toward Christmas, ya know, and I was really lookin' forward to some leftover sprouts in a coupla weeks. Don't suppose sprouts grow 'round here this time a year, do they?"

"Holy Christ!!!! What the fook is that? Looks like a fookin' red rat but the sumbitch is six fookin' feet tall! What? A kangaroo? So that's what a kangaroo is! Heard of 'em before, but never seen one. Say what? They train 'em to box? No shit? Don't suppose one of 'em would be interested in going a round or two with a fellow named Winston, do ya?"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Morticia
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 04:10 PM

Meanwhile there are dark mutterings over in the beer stained corner where Morticia and the Munchkins have united to form a militant faction of the Small Persons& Elves Workers Evolutionary Dawn ( SPEWED for short).

"Rain, rain go away,
Let someone else fill Santa's Sleigh"

and

"One, two, One two three
YOU try sitting up a tree"

can be heard over the fiddle music.Can you say Pete Seeger?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 04:20 PM

LOL Morty!!! Well done!! I figgered you'd enjoy having a whole mess of guys look up to you!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 04:37 PM

"Always wanted to be a star, even if it is sittin' atop this tree" muses the old sea-dog. "Hope ta Christ no bugger takes me for a fairy"
He decides to climb down and see what the poor folks are doing, and on reaching the bottom, accidently knocks the bottle of Baileys over, spilling the contents into the cats bowl. He doesn't notice.
He HAS noticed that the front door leads to a frozen European winter, while the side door comes out on the Dandenong Ranges. So he gets to figuring..........and pushes through the Fire Exit. "SHIT" He shouts. "I was hopin' this'n led to Louisiana, not bloody Hull9"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 04:41 PM

Who the HECK ordered 120 bushels of Brussels Sprouts! the entire celler is full of sprouts!    I went down to get some parsnips...and found the celler full of sprouts.

I need a drink. caffiene. Lots of caffiene.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,YT still cookieless
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 05:01 PM

Refreshed by a fell cold ales, YT wanders over to the tree, scratches the two cats behind their respective ears, and pulls a pile of clip-on koalas and kangaroos out of his pockets with which he proceeds to adorn the tree.

Jeez, seems like everywhere I go they give me one of thiese things. It's like "You poor bloody pom, have a clip-on koala". I'm not one to complain but I'd rather have a beer.

As Mario reenters the bar from the southern hemisphere door, a loud hammering is heard and the door flies open to reveal a sunburnt and bewhiskered Morris dancing side, who charge into the bar with unearthly whoops at the sight of beer, women and (in one case) sheep. In no time the young nubile exotic dancer has been tied to a post with handkerchiefs and a fertility dance commences around her - not as though she looks as if she needs one. Others have hijacked the inflatable sheep and are playfully batting it around the roof with Morris sticks, while the rest are lining the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 05:11 PM

"Can't help ya there, MMate. But I have got a soda syphon full of Sloe Gin, its got one o' them Sparklets thingys in, so the stuff comes out under pressure. It don't harm the flavour and it gives it a good head"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 05:54 PM

The two cats leave off batting around the leather mouse...the poor thing is a bit worse for wear by this time, anyway...and go over to check out what some clumsy oaf poured into their drinking bowl. Certainly isn't water...milk? cream? Baileys!!! They dive in, figuratively and literally.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 06:06 PM

Is any one else getting the visuals I am from the phrase "leather mouse"?

no? okay - I guess I'm more perverted then I thought!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 06:12 PM

I walk over to 'My Guru always said' and being high on tequila, I give him a tit shot, exposing my breasts which are 48"long. "Now who are you calling a BLOKE?" The children carolers stare with shock and horror on their faces. I turn away whistling, 'Knockers Up' and walk over to do some knee slapping with the fiddler players.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 06:43 PM

The other side door opens - a view over the veldt is exposed, JEM- Wales staggerd in, sunburn peeling, she saunters over to the Christmas tree and quietly removes a pair of chameleons from her trekcot, and places them on the tree. They quietly have a nervous break down trying to match th flashing lights.

( True she did this once - Very confused chameleons ! )

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 06:44 PM

'OK, so the plan is - we hold this thing with the Squeak in it hostage till it's namesake promises to serve us with Baileys & Roast Aurochs for the rest of our time' the Tabby confided.

Camo thought about this for a while & pointed out a possible loop-hole. 'They don't know what we're talking about though, how're they going to know what we want'.

'Well, we're doing pretty well so far today, that last refill of Baileys came at exactly the right time. Sure, it's spooky, but I reckon there's a guiding hand somewhere in this joint who can wave a magic wand & I'm gonna find out who it is right now!!!'

Sliding out from behind the empty bowl, the Stray tries stretching... first one paw slips, then another & she begins a slow descent back to the sawdust. 'Maybe a bit later on though...'

The Cappucin climbed carefully down from his favorite perch & gently pushed the shit-faced cat back under the tree.

The sound of purring filled the room, followed by an unmistakable 'plop' of sprout into custard.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 06:54 PM

From beneath the tree came what sounded like 'Wow!' followed by 'Oops, pardon me!' The chameleons tittered nervously...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Sorcha
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 07:16 PM

LOL, I love these things!

Fiddler says it is time for a break long enough to taste the auroch before it is gone. Those cats under the tree seem just a tad soused, no more Baileys for a bit. I don't want to know about hungover cats....the chamelons seem safe from them for a while, at least.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Swan
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 09:47 PM

Funny looking skinny middle aged guy slides goofy moustache out of a middle aged Volvo. It's quiet in the tavern parking lot (car park..simultaneous translation provided by Lane, Fielding, Patterson & Swan , Layabouts for Hire) no sled dog races tonight. None of the Reg boys in sight. The coast is clear to unload the props. Two gallons of kerosene (parafin), a bucket of lime Jello (insert British jelled dessert, what do you want for free from a bunch of layabouts?), one fire helmet, one new pair of fishnet stockings, a thirty foot extension ladder, a box of Swan Vestas, half a gorilla suit. Time for the diving flaming fart wearing half a gorilla suit into an ignited fireman's helmet full of lime Jello trick. It hasn't been done in years, but Jen Ellen's thrown open the tavern doors, and what the hell, it'll probably only cost a femur.

Suddenly, he finds himself in a hairy half Nelson. A note, scrawled in crayon is thrust into his hand. He holds it before his bulging eyes. YOU pRty Kute HAF hAirY Guyyyyyyyyyyyy, Tak mi intwo TvaRn. We Mak my Big M ick gellUS. DANCE wiht ME . Kiss me HUGG me, Lke I hug you.

He realizes that it's Koko in the throws of her primate hormones, come to reclaim Big Mick, her lost jungle love.

He screams with his last breath "Take her off by hands, you big bog trotter...." then with visions of hairy, rubbery lips descending onto his, he passes into tortured unconsciousness.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 09:54 PM

Oh gawd no.....not the Flaming Fart Swan Hi-Dive again........The last time he did that in here a passing guest shit in the Jell-O pit and we were a week getting the smell out of here...............Mario, I hate to mention this but I just found Cleigh in the sprouts and uh...........well, wash 'em good or throw them out.......sorry........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:28 PM

ROTFLMdamnedAO, you guys!!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Tinker
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:46 PM

As the car pulled into the lots an old blues scratched it's way through the speakers....

I met a man last night, people he was just my size
I'm taking him home with me, to bake my cakes and pies
He's a kitchen mechanic, and he makes my biscuits rise
He use the best baking powder, and his biscuit's just my size

That man makes my bread rise, way late hours of the night
The kind of bread he serves me, I swear it's out of sight
People, people I found my type of man at last.
And he's just my size, and he ain't too dog gone fast.

"Lot's of good cookin' here abouts," she said with a slow satisfied smile. But, as she stepped out of the car she tripped over a fireman's helmet and slid towards the door on a trail of lime jello...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:51 AM

In a dark corner, Ebenezer Leej sits counting gold pieces and finishing off a crust of bread. MMario approaches and says "more bread, sir?" Leej gives him a phlegmatic look and snaps "is there a charge for it?" MMario blinks and says "ha'penny." Leej snarls "no more bread." He spits in the center of a gold sovereign and shines it on the sleeve of his greatcoat, holding it to catch the light. Up to the table, a garland of holly round his top hat, steps artbrooks, saying with bright good humor "a Merry Christmas to you Mr Leej!" but the old miser, flicking a moth off his moneybag, barks "Christmas! Humbug! Every fool who goes about with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips should be boiled in his own plum pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!"

"Fine," replies artbrooks,'then go fuck yerself."

Leej is still searching for a clever rejoinder when every clock in the Mudcat Tavern begins to peel simultaneously. Suddenly, a clatter as of several hundred pounds of steel chain being dragged and dropped on the oaken floor outside the Tavern door hushes those inside. The door creaks open and there, amid a billowing cloud of mist produced by a fog machine he has plugged into the outlet on the front porch, stands a pale and ghastly figure cloaked in tattered raiment. The figure takes several lurching steps into the Tavern and by the light of the tallow candle, Leej makes out the hideous features, and says in solemn wonder "Peter T!"

"Ebenezer Leej," intones the specter. Leej continues "and have you been doomed to wander the earth, suffering most at this time of the rolling year?"

"You bet," says the ghost," and frankly I'm completely burned out on the entire process. Mind if I sit down?" Leej gestures to a stool and Peter T sits through it, crashing to the floor with a clamor of heavy chain." I somehow continue to overlook the fact my ass is completely unsubstantial," Peter T says, shaking his head in good natured disbelief. "In fact, I'm pretty much a figment of your imagination. You know, no more than a fragment of..of.." Leej finishes "an under-done potato?" The specter shakes its head "no..no, I was thinking mango. Maybe guava. Something tropical anyway. Anyhow, I'm here to offer you another chance."

"Chance? At what?"

"To experience the Spirit of Mudcat. Frankly, you're not listening to enough folk music."

"But what," replies Ebenezer Leej, "is "folk music" anyway?"

The grim figure stands bolt upright and howls hideously as Leej cowers in his chair. It extends a spectral, chain-decked arm and says "for the love of God, let's not get into that!" It turns amid the scraping of chain, money boxes, and several National Dobros across the floor, and says "you will be visited by three spirits this night. Expect the first at Midnight...the second as the the hour turns to One..and the third at the stroke of Two! Look to see me...no more." The figure vanishes through the door.

Leej reaches into his waistcoat pocket and with quivering fingers produces an ornate timepiece. "Gee. I wonder if he means Midnight Mudcat Time, or Mountain Standard..." The voice booms from beyond the door "now you're really starting to PISS me OFF!"

"Damn!" gulps Leej. "He's good."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:59 AM

And at midnight Mudcat time a beautiful apparition was seen by the good of heart...she looked like a Druidess in a berry red velvet with mistletoe in her long blond hair that had never been tamed with a curling iron....I am the spirit of the Old Old Ways and the Old Old Songs and the Old Old Stories. What say ye...

mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 02:28 AM

The Morris men break off accosting the inflatable sheep and exotic dancer to contemplate the druidess with long blond hair - then immediately perform a dance around her before attempting to make off with her for further activities in the spitit of the Old Old Ways.

The tequila enhanced rustic rebel gets a shock to find that "my guru" is in fact a female tabby cat who, along with her tortie friend, react the way that cats usually do to having 48" dangley things waved in front of them - the shrieks as she rise with a cat on each nipple have to be heard to be appreciated.

YT - ever helpfull to damsels in distress - removes the offending felines, returns then to their Baileys and velociraptor, then attempts to kiss the injured parts better.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:00 AM

Hey there puss, want to earn more Baileys than you could shake a leather mouse at? Come here and let me teach you a little trick my owner Maximus Gluteous does.... just watch the claws in the lace inserts....

Did the sprouts arrive yet? I ordered them for the jello pit, thought it would make a nice festive change, and no-one actually likes cranberries.

Will the hon. member for SPEWED accept another drinkiepoos? I rescued the bottle from the cats... now if I could just stop the chameleons from getting too close to the cats, WOW - cool!!! A calico chameleon... er.... should lizards and mammals be able to do that?

Any one got some ice water?

Ah.

Well, THOSE kittens will have to be bottle fed.....

Who's for a rousing chorus of 'look the other way, the cat's done something rude'..?

So when do Skip and Oakley perform again? I don't remember the last performance.... too busy helping Morty get the pine needles out.. I thought she went a bit quiet.. I just thought she was in abject agony, that was a particularly spiky tree....

Ah well.. time for a snooze.. shift over kitty chameleon, let me lay my head down it that bowl of Baileys and sleep the work hours away.

Wake me up when the custard stops.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:14 AM

'What a Ride!' exclaimed the Cats in Chorus, having sobered up pretty rapidly. 'This place is full of surprises' remarked Camo.

'There's more to these folks than meets the eye. I'm off to work the room, leave the Chameleons alone while I'm gone, they're not lizards, honest!' And the Tabby trotted warily out to investigate the happy people & face the music head-on.

'What Chameleons? These flashing lights are making me dizzy - think I'll just snooze for a while' Camo thought fuzzily - this Grand Old Tom wasn't called 'Lizard Strike' for nothing!

The music drew her ever onwards into the crowded bar, whiskers a-twitching & paws a-jumping. So many fine songs & tunes & all together in one place!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:37 AM

YTs aged tortie is decidedly dentally challenged - and incidentally over the legal drinking age in Australia and many other countries. The chameleon is pretty safe in her company - she even retired from mousing some years ago.

I was expecting a little more reaction from the nature goddess (perhaps she enjoys multiple morris interfaces) and rustic rebel.

Anyone for a recitation or two? Hannrahan is very topical in Oz at the moment and I also do some Stanley Holloway.

Hey Liz - I do a pretty good back massage - no claws - you interested?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:06 AM

I swear, men are so dependent on the nipple, from a babe to the grave.
Me thinks I've got 'Cat Scratch Fever' Is there a Dr. in the house?
Oh hell, just give me some lime and coconut, and mix 'em both up. I'll have a shot with that please bartender.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:11 AM

No ice! That bloody stuff sank the Titanic!
Time for a monologue:-
Twas a cold winters night on a Liverpool quayside
In the years before the Great War
The world was in shock at the loss of Titanic
So proud had they been, days before.
Relatives gathered for news of their loved ones
To read through the list of the dead
When into the throng came a sad eyed old polar bear
And to the clerk at the counter he said......

(altogether now)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:15 AM

I have a doctorate in physical sciences - indeed I can be a very physical scientist when circumstances dictate. Now what did you want rubbing and where? Oh, and by the way, how old are you?

Old Camo has probably curled up back near the fire and Baileys by now - she knows a good thing when she sees one.

Where did the Morris dancers and the nature goddess get to? Does this place have upstairs rooms or convenient oak groves?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 07:00 AM

Rustic Rebel sits down and bathes both of her nipples (at the same time) in the soothing mixture. "Good God !", cried one of the morris men (losing his place in the queue for the sheep) "Is that how they work ? - you fill them up like giant fountain pens !"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 09:36 AM

Two rather bedraggled spirits float in through one of the cracks in the door. One resembles a haggered, middle-aged single mother of eight and the other lookes as if she lived a long, cruel life and been buried for a week.

"What the heck time is it, anyway?" the apparently older of the two asks. "Mandylou had an appointment with some old fart called Ebenezer Leej at one AM, and I was supposed to haunt the bugger at two. We was down by the oak grove waiting our turn when Bronnie...that's Brunhilde to you...showed up with almost an entire Morris side. Boy! Ya shoulda seen what one of those old boys did with his damn bells! Anyway, we got distracted, and one of them borrowed my watch so the other ones wouldn't cheat, and we lost track of the time, and anyway, here we both are, so where's old Ebenezer?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 09:47 AM

*replenishes the aurochs platter; adding the roasted parsnips and the (washed VERY carefuly) steamed sprouts with almonds; ginger-honey candied baby carrots*

who would have thaught with an entiere aurochs we'd be running low on meat? This crowd can EAT! *pulls a cornish game hen from freezer* guess I'll have to try and stretch it out.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,A. non
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 10:30 AM

So what did happen to the iceberg?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:16 PM

Meanwhile, even further into the Southern Hemisphere......"How much further?", you ask? Think way south. No, not the southern coast of Oz. Keep goin'. Yeh, that's it! You got it! The South Pole.......

A rather small red-cheeked fellow wearing a dirty green jumpsuit and carrying a rather full canvas mail-bag comes limping into what appears to have once been an office but is now so cluttered with broken musical instruments that there is hardly room to move.. Behind the desk sits a thin, scruffy man of about fifty who bears a startling resemblance to Ted Nugent. He is idly noodling on a lovely, obviously custom-made koa dreadnaught. He looks up when the small fellow addresses him. "Yo! Santa Cruz! Check this out! More letters from those Mudcat weirdoes."

Santa Cruz puts down the D and takes the bag of mail from the little guy. "Aw, damn, Elf-dude! I thought I was through with that bunch. Hell, let's see what they want..... Art Brooks wants a new Tony Stuart tuneable bodhran. Hey! Good choice there, Art ! Bee-dubya-ell wants a Jerry Read Smith chromatic hammer dulcimer! Hah! In your dreams dude! You're gonna have to be satisfied with a coupla sets of guitar strings just like last year! Sorcha wants an Amati fiddle. Hey, girl, did you hear what I just said to Bee? Rewind and play back. John From Hull wants a case of bears. So what else is new? Oakley wants the undying love of Miss Penelope Rutledge. Aw, Jeez, Oakley! I'm only Santa Cruz, not God! I can do the improbable, but the impossible's His field."

"Aw Hell! That's enough work for one day. Yo! Elf dude! Screw this shit. Let's take the sled out for a shakedown cruise. Yoke up them rain-deer. Yes, I said 'rain-deer'. I know your old boss up north has 'reindeer'. These aren't the same. These sumbitches are called 'rain-deer' 'cause they're too damned dumb to come in outta the rain. Got 'em ready! Okay, dude. Let's go find that Mudcat Tavern. I hear they've got Aurochs sausage with lots of garlic, free running Tequila, and women of questionable morals. Just my kind of place."

"On Gibson, on Fender, on Collings and Martin! On Breedlove, on Yamaha, Larivee and Lowden! Yeh, I know it doesn't quite rhyme. So, sue me, ya dipshits. Get movin' ya lazy damned things! No tellin' where them crazy fuckers have got that Mudcat Tavern parked."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:19 PM

SANTA CRUZ???!!! ROTFLMAO, bwl!! Hilarious stuff!!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:25 PM

Up on the rooftop is heard the galumphing of heavy hooves (Raindeer being much louder then reindeer) and a heavy *thud* as something rams into the HVAC unit on the roof.

Dammit! Probably that Santa Cruz character again. And 10 to 1 he fogot Boris again - they NEVER manage to land properly without Boris the Blue Balled Raindeer guiding the sled!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Tinker
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:28 PM

"Questionable morals...!!!!" Questionable!!! Morti, I'm comin' over to join SPEWED, I may be short, but I know the morals in my songs are always VERY clear...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:31 PM

Ohhh, Boris the Blue Balled Raindeer
HAd a very lively shlong,
And if you ever saw it,
You would probably say "It's long..."
All of the lady raindeer
Used to play the teasing shtick.
They never let old Boris
Deep his super raindeer wick!!
Then one foggy Christmas eve
While Santa was away,
Missus Cruz had too much wine
And asked old Boris in to play!
Then how the raindeer loved him!!
Caught it on a mini-cam!
Now they're all making money,
Selling it as porno spam!!



Geeze, Mario, do you have to keep coming up with these off-color inspirations? :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:35 PM

Amos - there is another version somewhere in the forum - probably last year's christmas party. - It might have been two years ago

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:54 PM

The Mudcat CDs are behind the bar and someone slips one into the CD player. Justapicker's madcap fingerpicking croons over the airwaves, giving everyone a lift and a grin for Christmas....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:58 PM

so That's what those things are! I've been passing them out as coasters!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 01:41 PM

'S awright, MM -- they just get better with hard use!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:17 PM

The captain (sea-dog with delusions of grandeur) swigs another tot of sloe gin, then sways eratically towards the spittoon. Mistaking it for the binnacle, he gazes into its murky depths & mumbles something about being miles off course. Just then he notices the wheel that has stuck to his bum while stuck up the tree. "Somebody get this off me" he yells, "It's drivin' me nuts" (goes off, stage right, amid groans from omnes)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: JenEllen
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:10 PM

KOKO!!!

Jen drags Dave's skinny little carcass out from under the mass of gorilla flesh know as Koko. "Jeeziz, Dave," she says "Thank gawd you fell onto your back! Since Koko got her CPR card, she's been unstoppable, and very likely to blow into any orifice that's pointing skyward. Yeah, she got her CPR training, where do you think she's been lo these many moons? She's finished her nursing degree at the Mudcat Community College. Yeah, she barely passed the written, but she aced the practicals, so they let her through....."

To illustrate, Koko takes a battered paper hat with the red cross out and places it on her head. She borrows a few bobby-pins from SINSULL, attaches it topside, and continues to flutter her eyelashes at Dave. Dave, meanwhile, drags his helmet full of jello towards the bar for a pick-me-up ("Hey, bartender, anything that'll get the taste of gorilla tongue outta my mouth...make it a double")

Koko retreats to a table in the back, mourning her lost love, but not for long. The tavern door flies open to reveal Euphemia D. Toepicker, sister to Albert Toepicker, and purveyor of fine "Pheemy Toes" cosmetics. She singles out the lovelorn primate in a sea of lovelorn primates and rushes to the table. Minutes later, Koko is barely recognizable under flourescent blue glitter eyeshadow and layers of "Kiss Me Kiwi" lipgloss. "There!" exclaims Euphemia, as she hands Koko the mirror. "Big Mick would never be able to resist you now..."

Over at the bar, JenEllen attempts to oversee the reconstruction of El Swanno. "Sure, it hasn't been attempted in years, but the fishnets still fit, right? Life is too short to not light yourself on fire. Besides, even if it does 'only cost a femur', we've got our own RedCross nurse and a half-way skilled veterinary osteopathic surgeon...what could go wrong?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:14 PM

the chant rises from the throng (THRONG! With an 'R'!)

El Swanno!


El Swanno!

El Swanno!

EL SWANNO!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:51 PM

oh the morris men are doing the ha cha cha now...mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 05:57 PM

Under the tree Camo the aging Tom Cat eyes up LTS, all female & much more of a challenge than the Chameleons. He nudges the RabbitFur Toy with the Squeak inside over to her hand & she instinctively strokes it while snoring rythmically. Rolling up his metaphorical sleeves he sets himself to licking all the Baileys off her face before it congeals... She begins to purr..

Having successfully avoided the Morris Mens synchopated perambulations, the Tabby has reached the vantage point of the Mantelpiece & is determinedly checking out MMario's dip selection.

She hears strange muffled curses coming through the wall behind her. The odd word came through quite clearly, LET GO, SLIPPERY WHIPS, BORIS, LEATHER MOUSE, EPIPHONE, CRY HAVOC, OMIGOD.....

The thin scruffy man lands with a thud & a Yelp as the flames from the fireplace set light to his nethers. Panic ensues as Mudcatters scatter. The current SPEWED line-up holds an Emergency Committee & breaks open a bottle of Baileys to restore order.

The Stranger with the Silvertone breaks off in mid-bar, grabs the Soda Syphon & drenches the latest arrival with Sloe Gin. The resultant WHOOSH denudes all previously Whiskered faces within a 5 yard radius.

The Cat sniffs the air & thinks 'Is that Wild Mountain Thyme on the Barbie or is someone smoking CatNip?'

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,Polar Bear
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:09 PM

Have you heard any news of the iceberg? My family were on it, you see?