BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville

Subject: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:45 PM

Despite his high hopes, Chongo has failed to win a single music award at Kerrville for any of his self-penned and completely original songs, vigorously accompanied on banjo.

He says it's anti-primate prejudice. I think it's more likely because he's tone deaf and extremely chauvinist in his sentiments, but perhaps I am being uncharitable when I say that.

He figured that his uptempo ballad "She Had Legs From Here To Fresno and the Attitude to Match" would take top honors. He was mistaken. He should not have not have used the word "snatch" to close out the chorus, that's what I'm thinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:47 PM

Little Hawk SKELP

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:55 PM

A wandering primate I, a thing of rags and patches, of ballads songs and snatches, and dreamy lullabies.


With agopolies to G&S


G

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Sorcha
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:55 PM

Oh, Hawkster, that is so very sad. But, did he get to meet and greet Lord Martin Gibson? Inquiring minds want to know!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Slag
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 04:58 PM

Tell Chongo I will try to arrange some sessions with Ray Stevens. If he can't come up with a hit song for a chimp, no one can!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:03 PM

Don't look Ethel!!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:17 PM

Megan, whit does "SKELP" mean? Is it a threat? An insult? Is it the acronym for "Scotts Ken that Eels Lurk in Privys"??? Whit?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:22 PM

Laddie It's whit Granny Dom will dae tae yer bahookie till yer lugs wring if she ever catches up wie you or Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Sorcha
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:28 PM

I believe it has to do with sharp kinves and tender bits, Hawkster.

Now, did Chongo give our old MG a banana? Or just a peel?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:35 PM

I think Chongo was hoping to bust his coconuts if he got the chance.

Megan - I love the way you talk. We have to arrange some "quality time" together... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM

Och jings LH, ye dinnae ken whit ye hiv took oan wi oor Meg. Thon wee Glascae bauchles, mak maist wimmen look like puff candy compared tae McCowan's toffee.
Ah widnae be arrangin' thon quality time if ah wis ye, unless yer insurance, an' yer last will an' testiclement is up tae date.

Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:43 PM

Well, I was just thinking of rewriting my will, actually, John. Do you have any thoughts on how to dispose of a lifesize bronze statue of William Shatner wearing a speedo?

(It's a representation of the younger Shatner, circa 1967. A magnificent sight to behold and quite a conversation piece.)

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Amos
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:52 PM

The skelp is that part of you that gets torn off in a single pull if you mess with the wrong Scots lass, see, Little Hawk.

As for primate envy, I think Chongo has as much of it toward Man as the other way around.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 05:53 PM

I would think an odometer would be a better bet for a man of his advanced years.


G

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 06:22 PM

I don't follow you. Me or Shatner?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 06:25 PM

The Shatner statue could make a conversation-stopping lamp. Especially the switch.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Emma B
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 06:28 PM

skelp (skelp)
transitive verb

Brit., Dialectal to slap or spank
Etymology: Middle English shelpen, to beat, flog

or maybe.....
'Aw'll gi thi a cleawt' :)

There are some wonderful regional dialects in the UK that people still use in everday speech

One of our own mudcatters has had a poem in her own Lancashire dialect published in an anthology of dialect verse 'From Lancashire lips'

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:10 PM

Speaking of Shatner and Kerrville, here's a picture of me and Shatner at Kerrville about three years ago...

http://www.alcdv.com/shat1.jpg

We have a friend who's at Kerrville right now. He was catching us up on the news there last night, and he told us that Chongo had a bit of a medical emergency while giving a little impromptu concert down by the lines to the ladies' showers. He sang a song he wrote at the song writing workshop called, "Private Dick - Folkie Chick, Come To My Tent And We'll Do It Quick".

They had to give him ten stitches on his left brow after one of the women threw a folding stool at him.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Bobert
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:13 PM

Danged...

And after all that work!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:25 PM

Of course right after the vet patched him up he went to the singin' tree and unveiled his newest number.

Oooh Oooooh AaaaH Aaaah, I Love Your Ta Taaas!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Slag
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM

'67? Wasn't he wearing the corsette at that time? I'm sure the lines would have shown through a speedo, unless, that is, the artist used his artistic license.

Chongo, old buddy, you've had my back on several occasions, I owe ya. I'm gonna see what I can do.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:33 PM

It may have been '65. Either that or the people who did the statue took a little bit of artistic licence with the Shatner bod.

Sorry to hear about Chongo's accident. I really think he's playing to the wrong audiences. He should be playing Dallas whorehouses and places of that sort with his present repertoire. I told him that, but he never listens. He wants to be known as a serious "artiste" for some reason and hobnob with the intellectual crowd.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:42 PM

If it was our MG, his winning songs would have titles like these.

F*** off F*** Face

and

The Guy's are C***s Too

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:44 PM

>>He wants to be known as a serious "artiste" for some reason and hobnob with the intellectual crowd.<<

No one told him that Kerrville was full of burnt out hippies and Nashville wannabes?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 08:48 PM

Poor Chongo! Another big disappointment is all this episode is going to be for him. Another grand illusion brought crashing down. Another splendid romance shot to hell. Another beautiful dream squelched.

I told him to go sing his songs under Paris Hilton's balcony instead. I think he would have a half decent chance with her, I really do. And she has long legs.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Slag
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 09:13 PM

Yeah, the leg thing, that's a problem with the Bonobo babes.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 09:31 PM

May be, but Chongo can't compete with them drunken Indian elephants Paris is supposed to be helpin' sober up.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:06 PM

Well...it is amazing what they can do with their trunks.

But elephants can't jump. Don't forget that.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:11 PM

Chongo's secret love weapons, prehensile feet! But wash them first!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Apr 08 - 11:15 PM

If it wasn't for the fact that he hates the word "monkey" ever being applied to a chimp, I'd say that Chongo is THE number one LOVE MONKEY of the western world!!! Man, think what he could do if he also had a prehensile tail!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 01:19 AM

I know Chongo and he ain't no Bonobo!!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 04:10 AM

Dear Chongo

Thank you for the note. Its ok laddie ah ken fine weel yer nae responsible fur thon wee scunner LH. A widny haud him against ye but a dae think he fair ruind yer chance at becomin president ye wid hae done a fine job o it to. when ye see him next wid ye tell him frae Granny that hes neither that big nor that ugly that he canny go across her knee if he missbehaves.

Yours
Granny Dom

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 05:51 AM

OH boy LH you are in big trouble, that Megan sure packs a wallop, when you've been skelped by her, you stay skelped.
One small consolation though, her legs are so short, that you won't suffer from vertigo too.


G.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 01:19 PM

She cairtainly has a way wi' words. Whit dialect is it? Frae whit part o' Scotland?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Barry Finn
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 01:29 PM

"Do you have any thoughts on how to dispose of a lifesize bronze statue of William Shatner wearing a speedo?"

Send it to SINSUL, perfect gift for her, she'll know exactally what to do with it. She always does n=in these matters.

She would also straighten out Chongo's altitude too.

Barry

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 01:34 PM

No one can straighten out Chongo's altitude.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 01:38 PM

Can you teach Chongo to play banjo?
I mean, how difficult can it be?

G


{I'll get me coat, and me suit of armour]

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 03:21 PM

Press release from Bobby MacDale pan primate musical manager.

Chongo Chimp has decided to introduce a seafaring repertoire to the folk music scene. Playing banjo with his hands and concertina with his prehensile feet he has a surprisingly full sound. He is appealing to the huge untapped lower primate audience with such reworked favorites as "What do ya do with a Drunkin Baboon?", "Blow the Ape Down" and the "Monkey's Hornpipe" as well as originals like "The Ballad of the Hartlepool Monkey" and "Proboscis Monkey's Floating in the Moon Light."

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 03:30 PM

Excellent! Count on Chongo to quickly adept to changing situations.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: JennieG
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 08:11 PM

Chongo is nothing if not versatile and adaptable, I'm sure. As well as the aforementioned banjo and concertina, does he clap a cymbal between his knees to emphasise the beat?

After all, a chimp needs the occasional percussion doesn't he. I'm sure for such an intelligent one as he seems to be, it would be no problem to add an extra instrument?

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Slag
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 08:18 PM

When you see Chongo show up with an insturment case you never know what to expect.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 08:59 PM

I didn't want to say this in polite company, but I've heard that he plays the bongoes with his butt cheeks.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Apr 08 - 09:58 PM

Ya know, I can see Chongo up on stage in Kerrville, strumming his cute little ukelele and singing "I went to the Animal Fair."

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 01:28 AM

Or I want the animal, fair.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 01:30 AM

When Chongo arrives with a banjo case, relax. He's there to play music.

When he arrives with a violin case, leave at once.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 03:35 AM

And if he arrives wie a guitar case hit the deck and crawl tae safety. Haud oan thats the same wie certain supposed human catters as weel.

Meg*headin fur the safety of the bnig old table

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 12:30 PM

"bnig"? Whit are ye tryin' tae sae?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 12:31 PM

You never played Bnig LH?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 12:40 PM

I hae not plaid the game. Whit is it like?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 12:49 PM

What's wrong with you bozos? Can't none of you spell right or even talk right? Geez! You oughta come to Chicago and learn how to talk like an American fer a change. You sound like you got half a potatoe stuck in the left side of yer mouth or somethin'.

Well, anyway, Kerrville turned out to be not bad. Coulda been better, but not bad. I even met that jerk Martin Gibson. The guy couldn't play his way out of a wet paper bag. I'm tellin' ya, if he tried to play one of them old burlesque places in Cincinnati they'd hafta end up carryin' him out unconscious on a gurney. They hate sissies in them places.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 01:28 PM

Listen Ya wee Scunner LH ahm auld an ahm tired an a canny spell fur toffee. But even thon drated deformed proboscus kens a meant BIG. Youse yins are in bother THIS BITCH BITES

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 01:30 PM

So ladylike!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM

Aye you anaw sunshine

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 03:28 PM

Weel if ye want tae sae "big" then sae BIG!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 03:37 PM

Ah prefer tae use the word muckle, it's a braw word, an' mair Scotttish onyweys.
An whit's mair laddie, ah dinnae ken ony reason why thon wee Megan should hae tae tak aw thon haird words, jist because she maks a wee bittie typo.
If ah wis ye, ah'd be weel feart, if she gauns oan an airyplane and flees ower tae your side o' the ditch, ah widnae like tae be in your shoon laddie.

Time tae practice yer fast getaway methinks LH.

G

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Megan L
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 03:51 PM

would you two please communicate in a recognisable language.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: gnu
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 04:50 PM

Megan?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 07:36 PM

Although the percussive sounds are coming from that particular region...It ain't bongos!

A very talented ape!

Chongo, you were ripped off! Probably because you didn't arrange for a little "wardrobe" malfunction for the judges!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 08:45 PM

Wardrobe? Chongo? What's WRONG with a dark blue pinstriped suit, a black shirt, white tie, and white-and-brown shoes? Now a wardrobe malfunction would have been if Chongo was wearing spats, but he's got a lot more class than THAT!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Apr 08 - 09:12 PM

Yeah, Chongo dresses with dignity like one of those old-time Blues players back in the 40's.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: JennieG
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 03:43 AM

And of course a hat too...don't forget the chapeau.....

Dignity and class, that's what this thread says to me. As does Chongo.

Cheers
JennieG who has decided that Chongo is her new pin-up boy

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 01:41 PM

Perhaps if Chomgo had a hammered dulcimer for some of the tunes, people would have gotten some relief from the unrelenting twangs of the banjo.


jus a thot.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 02:06 PM

He's been fooling around with the saxophone some too. Trouble is, you can't sing and play a sax at the same time.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 04:02 PM

>>Trouble is, you can't sing and play a sax at the same time.<<

Maybe if he worked a bellows with his prehensile feet?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 04:07 PM

Was he singing 'Gorilla my Dreams I Love you, honest I do ♫♪' ?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 04:34 PM

T'ain't nothin' wrong with Chongo's wardrobe!
I'm just suggestin' a reason why those knucklehead judges might have passed him up!
I might have to go have me a chat with the King about this!
And I ain't talkin' blue suede shoes here!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 08 - 05:08 PM

Chongo dresses as well as anybody who lives in Chicago. That's a high-tone, classy town, Chicago is!

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 05:36 AM

I thought MG came from Chicago?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 09:07 AM

From the suburbs. Chongo's from the gritty streets where the real people live and drink from bottles inside brown paper bags.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 09:21 AM

Big bag, or small chimp?

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 09:24 AM

Depends upon what the drinker can afford. Usually a big bag hiding a big bottle of bad muscatel.

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 09:25 AM

I thought you meant the people were inside the paper bags, while they drank

Subject: RE: BS: Chongo fails to place at Kerrville
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 08 - 12:42 PM

They only do that in Scotland when they are sipping the truly excellent products of Kentucky's stills.