The Nice But Dim Knight

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:47 AM

KELLSWATER (LAST VERSE)

He placed a gold ring on her finger
Saying "Love bear this in your mind
If ever I sail from old Ireland,
I'll mind not to leave you behind"
Here's a health unto bonny Kellswater
Where you get all the pleasures of life,
Where you get all the fishing and fowling,
And a bonnie wee stoat for your wife.

(Comes in useful whilst ferreting abroad, probably fighting for strangers,)

GAMEKEEPERS LIE SLEEPING.

Well, I've got a dog and a good dog too,
Lucky me! It's a Rottweiller......

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Barbara
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:28 PM

In the Malpas Wassail, a friend of mine always sang:

Oh the master and the mistress sitting down at their ease
Put your hands in your pockets and squeeze what you please

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Jul 08 - 10:56 PM

Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
Had an old dog and his name was Blue,
He had rabies and we had to have him put down....


It is the same auld shillelagh me father brought from Ireland
Only now it full of termites and dry rot. Yuck!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:09 AM

THE HANGMANS TREE (Hazel K Black, Pine Grove Wetzel County)

Ropeman, Ropeman, slack your rope
Slack it for a while
For I think I see my father a-coming
Away off many a mile

Father, Father, have you any gold?
Gold to set me free?
Or did you come to see me hang
Beneath this green oak tree?

No, O no, I haven't any gold
Gold to set you free.

Would have liked to, but I had a letter from my bank manager this morning, and I haven't got the equity at the moment....
No doubt you've heard about the Credit Crunch.
Sorry, and all that, I blame Gordon Brown for his misguided fiscal policy.

(FX...Sound of Dropping Body, which is an obscure dance figure that comes after Stripping the Widow)

The End

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 08:59 AM

We're tenting tonight on the old camp ground
God! I wish we'd dug latrines.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: TheSnail
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:27 AM

"How do ye like me bed," he said, "and how do you like me sheets?"
"How do you like me fair lady, that lies in your arms asleep?"

Well... I've had worse.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:33 AM

How do ye like me bed," he said, "and how do you like me sheets?"
"How do you like me fair lady, that lies in your arms asleep?"

Who? Her? Wouldn't touch her with a barge-pole, this is The Handsome Cabin Boy squire.

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 11:58 AM

Said my lord to my lady, as he mounted his horse:
"Beware of Long Lankin that lives in the moss."


Said my lord to my lady, as he rode away:
"Beware of Long Lankin that lives in the hay."


"Let the doors be all bolted and the windows all pinned,
And leave not a hole for a mouse to creep in."


So he kissed his fair lady and he rode away,
And he was in fair London before the break of day.


The doors were all bolted and the windows all pinned,
Except one little window where Long Lankin crept in.

"Come here little bugger" she cried as he came
"let's see if you really live up to your name"


Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 12:13 PM

LOL!!!!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 12:27 PM

Queen Eleanor was a sick woman and afraid that she would die
"That's what I get," Queen Eleanor said, "for drinking wine and rye."

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 01:32 PM

Hey gairdner child, is that a red rose in your hand ar are you just pleased to See me?

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: fat B****rd
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 03:15 PM

"Children, go where I send thee"
........er...I can't think of anything funny...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:44 PM

"...how can I keep from singing?"
A little self control, perhaps?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 04:48 PM

The gardener standing by,
Three offers he made to me,
So I slapped his face.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 05:55 PM

The Bloody Gardener (extract)

This young maid then arose and into the garden goes
Expecting there to meet her hearts delight
She searched the garden all around
No young man could be found .... so she trotted off home again, muttering "Bastard" under her breath .....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Effsee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:37 PM

As I was walking all alane
I heard twa corbies makin' a mane

I thought " What a bluidy racket!"

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Jul 08 - 09:51 PM

In the Tower of London late at night
The ghost of Anne Boleyn walks, they declare.
They've also see a dragon and sprite
Three poltergeists, four pixies, and a mare.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:26 AM

Little Musgrave offers endless possibilities!

Come home with me you Little Musgrave
And lay upon my breast
For by your codpiece I can see
That you were named in jest.

And later…..

"And how do you like my feather bed
And how do you like my sheets
And how do you like my lady gay
Who lies in your arms asleep?"

"It's well I like your feather bed
It's better I like your sheets
And it's better I like your lady gay
Who lies in my arms asleep".

Lord Donald then his clothes put off
And in the get did get
Saying: 'If you think my lady's gay
You ain't seen nothing yet!'

Isn't this the best thread ever?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:31 AM

Should read.. and in the BED did get.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 03:50 AM

Said my Lord to my Lady as he mounted his horse,
here's the cheque for Long Lankin, though, if he'd rather, pay cash...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 04:21 AM

I went into an alehouse I used to frequent
And told the landlady my money was spent.

She told me to fuck off.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 04:27 AM

BLUE EYED ELLA (Mr E C Smith. Weston, Lewis County 1915)

Way down in yonder valley, where the early flowers bloom
There lies my blue-eyed Ella, so silent in the tomb
She died not broken-hearted, that caused her cruel fate
Twas the fish pie bought from TESCOs, long past its sell-by date.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 05:06 AM

Said the lord to his lady as he mounted his horse:
"When I took you to see Equus I hoped it would help you understand"

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 06:07 AM

VERSES ON THE EXECUTION OF DANIEL GOOD..Extract (May 1842)

To his masters stables in Putney Park Lane
They went, but she never returned again
Prepare for your end then the monster did cry
Your time has come and you must die

Then, with a sharp hatchet, her head did cleave
She begged for mercy, but, none did he give
Have mercy Daniel, my wretched life spare
For the sake of own child which you know I bear

No Mercy, cried he, then repeated the blow
Alive from this stable you never shall go
Neither you nor your brat shall trouble me more
Then lifeless his victim he struck to the floor

And when she was dead this sad deed to hide
The limbs from her body he straight did divide
Her bowels ript open and dripping with gore
The child from the womb this black monster he tore

When in searching the stable, the body was spied
Without head. legs, or arms, and ript open beside
Then a cry of murder quickly did arise
And the coachman was taken within a very few days.


(Aaah, have fond memories of hearing this at primary school on the radio in the late fifties...Oh how we laughed, and danced around the room)

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: TheSnail
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 06:35 AM

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright
And the landlady's legs opened wide with delight.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 06:53 AM

"fond memories of hearing this at primary school on the radio in the late fifties...Oh how we laughed, and danced around the room)"

Indeed Ralphie ... I well remember sitting cross legged on the schoolroom floor in rapt attention, listening to those sounds purling forth from the radio speaker on the wall. William Appleby was such a great influence on us all wasn't he? A man before his time.

But I think you mistake the laughing and dancing around the room - there were two programmes after all ... and the dancing would have been associated with Music and Movement, surely??

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Sailor Ron
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 07:22 AM

Said my Lady to her Lord
As he mounted his horse
If you do that again
I will call the police force!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:08 AM

O dear, what can the matter be
O dear, what can the matter be
O dear, what can the matter be
My period's late and preg test is red.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Nathan in Texas
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:16 AM

Where have you been Lord Randall my son?

Out.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:25 AM

Robin Hood and Little John
Have both gone to the fair-O
And after they've got pissed on Buck'
They'll maybe part the hair-O.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:29 AM

Undress yourself, my darling, said he.
Undress yourself and come to bed with me.

Not before you put a fifty pound note in my stocking top, I won't.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: quokka
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:29 AM

hey, Mr tambourine man STOP THAT RACKET!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: MartinRyan
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 09:48 AM

There were two brothers, two noble warriors
They fell in love with a lady gay

- so they gave up and went home.

Regards

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: DMcG
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 04:09 PM

Cope sent a challenge frae Dunbar
Saying Charlie meet me, i' ye dar'
I'll learn ye the art o' war
From Sun Tzu's book frae China

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 07:12 PM

""Children, go where I send thee"
........er...I can't think of anything funny..."

You really think they'll DO that?
You've never had children, have you...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Jul 08 - 10:31 PM

Cagaran, cagaran, cagaran gaolach,
Cagaran laghach thu, fear dhe mo dhaoine,
Goididh egobhar dhomh, goididh e caoraich,
Goididh e sithean a innis an aonaich.
Cagaran, cagaran, cagan gaolach
Ya say it again and I'll wash yer mouth out with soap!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 08:45 AM

DOWN IN OUR LITTLE VILLAGE

Twas on the green, where they all danced
I first beheld my Fanny
She looked so nice, as she advanced
None half so well, not any.
Now, when next morn my work began
At sowing, plough or tillage
I thought of none, but little Fan
The best gay in the village......

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 08:57 AM

THE GREY MARE

Young Roger the miller he courted of late
A farmer's gay daughter, called beautiful Kate
She had to her fortune some five hundred pounds
Besides handsome jewels, and many fine gowns
She had to her portion both jewels and rings
And an M&S Gold Card for all sorts of things

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 09:06 AM

LORD THOMAS AND FAIR ELEANOR

Lord Thomas was a bold forester
And, a chaser of the King's deer
Fair Eleanor was a fine woman
But Lord Thomas prefered the deer.....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 09:28 AM

He sailed East and he sailed West,
Until he came back to where he started...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 09:49 AM

It was Friday morn when we set sail
And we were not far from the land
When our captain espied a mermaid so fair,
So the mate took the bottle from his hand,
And helped the poor old captain to his cabin and gave him some coffee and a couple of aspirin and suggested that he sleep it off and come back on deck when he'd sobered up because the ship was trying to navigate Prince William Sound and all Exxon needed was another tanker spill.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Paul Burke
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 10:37 AM

So slowly, slowly she came up
And slowly she came by him,
And all she said when there she came,
"Young man, I think you're Brian."


By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down,
Ye-eah we wept, when we remembered Brian.


A maiden walking all in her garden
A brisk young sailor chanced to spy,
He stepped up to her, thinking to view her,
So she smacked him smartly in the eye.


There is a house in New Orleans
It's called the Rising Sun-
You can go there for a cup of tea,
Some fruitcake and a bun.


At the age of sixteen he was a married man,
And at the age of seventeen the father of a son,
And one at eighteen, one at nineteen, one at twenty too-
She just couldn't put an end to his growing.


There was a lady in the north
Hey the rose and the linsey-o,
She proved with child by her father's clerk,
Down by the riversidie-o.

So she went to the chemist, paid the bill,
Hey the rose and the linsey-o,
And got a little next- morning pill,
Down by the riversidie-o.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 11:44 AM

When the Alabama's keel was laid
Roll, Alabama, Roll
It was laid in the yards of Jonathan Laird
O roll, Alabama, roll

It was laid in the yards of Jonathan Laird
It was laid in the town of Birkenhead

Down Mersey way she sailed then
Sank and was never seen again....

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 03:15 PM

I wish I wish but it's all in vain.
I wish I was a maid again.
But a maid again I ne'er will be
I cann't afford the surgeon's fee.

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 03:41 PM

I won't come in, I shan't sit down,
I ain't got a moment's time
...oh, go on then, but just a quickie.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 10:46 PM

Keep on truckin', Momma,
As long as you kin afford the fuel.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Jul 08 - 11:41 PM

Hark! Now the drums beat up again
Those bodhran players are life's bane


Tis a nice quiet life without no strife
We whalemen do enjoy
For we have left our wives at home
Since their nagging was a bore



Raise up your head Tom Dooley
Raise up your head in glee
The Supreme Court has found you were
Condemned unconstitutionally



Avram Bailey had three sons
So he stayed at home to mind them



Queen Jane had a short labour
Nine minutes, not more
And the women gave thanks
For the fine babe she bore.



Me and four more went out one night
To Squire Daniel's hall
To get some game was our intent
As teh night came tumbling down
And to our great good fortune
No gamekeepers we saw
So we never went to Warwick Jail
Just went home to our tea.




As is walked over London Bridge
One misty morning early
T'was silent as the very grave
I overheard no story




Oh I was born a lady fair
My father's chief and only heir
And my stepmother loved me well
So no great harm e'er me befell.



An earthly nurse she sits and sings
And "Aye" she sings "Bah lilly wean
How well I love my bairny's father
Who only lives just down the lane"



Ye gentlemen of high renown
Of every degree
Take no delight in foxhunting
For Tony Blair's PC.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 05:35 AM

But my Willie's not returning from the plains of Waterloo

Thanks to that French sniper.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 05:38 AM

A good many gentlemen takwe great delight
In hunting bold Reynold the fox.
A good many more prefer hunting the girls
And copping the crabs and the pox.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 05:43 AM

THE BOLD PRIVATEER (Mrs Lolley, East Riding of Yorkshire)

Oh fare you well, my Polly dear, since you and I must part
In crossing of the seas my love, I'll pledge you to my heart
For our ship she now lies waiting, so fare you well my dear
I'll bring you back the fags, and some strong Belgium beer.