The Nice But Dim Knight

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 05:51 AM

THE INDIAN LASS

As I was a walking on a far distant shore
I went into an alehouse, to spend half an hour
And as I sat smoking, beside of my glass
By chance there came in a young Indian Ass.

(Spell check please)

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 05:56 AM

Then up spoke the young bride's mother
Who never was heard to speak so free
Saying, Never mind your Sophia, what about my Sharon? Doesn't she get a say in this? Men, they're all the same - wears trousers and owns half of Northumberland, so he thinks he's God Almighty! Well, I'll tell you this, Mister Bateman, you aren't going to fob us off with a coach and a couple of horses, oh no. You'll be hearing from our solicitors in the morning. And when this Sophia of yours gets here, you can tell her a quarter of Northumberland belongs to you, all right? Take my drift? Come on, Sharon, we're going...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 06:00 AM

WATERLOO

On the sixteenth day of June, me boys, In Streatham where we lay
Our bugles sounded the alarm, before the break of day
We Britons, Brunswickers and Flems, and Hanoverians too
We joined the queue for the Northern line,
And the Trains of Waterloo.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: theleveller
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 08:22 AM

"But my Willie's not returning from the plains of Waterloo

Thanks to that French sniper."

Sorry, Bryn, without my glasses I read that as French slapper!

Still works!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 08:33 AM

Leveller- see my thread which follows that one, , for confirmation . . .

I'll get me condom

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Suffolk Miracle
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 08:47 AM

And you will marry a gunner good,
A very good gunner I'm sure he'll be.
But your having slept with a seal will probably be suffient grounds for an annulment.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 08:49 AM

Posted without comment...........or hope!

THE PRINCE AND THE MAIDEN

A young prince who went walking in some woods near Hampton Wick,
Discovered that he'd lost his way, well he bein' rather thick,
He came across a clearing, and he said "What's this I see?
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree.

He said "Fair maid, how come you to be in this parlous state,
What wicked, nasty, evil villain's left you to your fate?"
She said "Kind Sir, if you will only deign to set me free,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".

The prince was all agog to hear the essence of her tale,
But as she was quite naked, other thoughts came to prevail,
He said "Hold hard young maiden, there's the question of me fee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"

The maiden, now, was quite dismayed, "I can't believe", she said,
"That you're as wicked as the squire, Oh! I were better dead",
The prince was quite unruffled, as the maid began to pray,
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".

The maiden stopped him with a glance, "If that's how it is", said she,
"'Twere better I enjoy meself, and join in willingly,
Remember that hereafter, for your crime you'll have to pay,
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".



He drew his sword, and lashed out, and the rope fell down in coils,
She threw her arms about his neck, said, "Come, collect your spoils",
Then fervently, and ardently she kissed the dirty dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!", for he'd turned into a frog.

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!" for he'd turned into a frog.

Now the young prince and the maiden have gone their separate ways,
She's gone home to Daddy, and the frog in the swamp he stays,
He got himself into this mess, there's nothing he can do,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?

So, all who listen to me song, attention pay to me,
Ne'er take advantage of a maid you find tied to a tree,
For love and lust, according to two differing points of view,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.

Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.


C Don Thompson May 1980

.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 10:17 AM

Follow that . . .

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 10:43 AM

Following the other Richard T one.

Let me ride on the Wall of Death one more time

OK.

Screeeeech, crash, tinkle, tinkle.

Sounds of someone wandering off, whistling non-chalantely...

:D

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 11:43 AM

And now you've called on me to sing I'll see what I can do
And that wasn not a signal for you to go to the loo
For you to go to the loo.

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Paul Burke
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 12:20 PM

She was lovely and fair as the rose of the summer,
Yet 'twas not her beauty alone that won me;
Oh no, 'twas the boobs from her bra nearly bustin',
That made me love Mary, the Rose of Tralee.

When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, you'd better watch your back.

'Twas on a dreary New Year's Eve.
As the shades of night came down.
A lorry load of volunteers approached a border town.
There were men from Dublin and from Cork
Fermanagh and Tyrone
And the satnav threw a wobbly
And sent them all back home.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 03:11 PM

YOUNG HUNTING (Mr John Hill, Hughey, Logan County 1916)

It happened on one evening late
As the maid was going to bed
She heard a sound, a beautiful sound
That made her heart feel glad

She thought it was her brother John
Returning from the cane
But, who should it be but Lord Henry
Just from his wild huting

Get down, get down, Lord Henry
And stay all night with me
For the very best lodging in Mulvering town
The best I'll give to thee

I won't get down, I shan't stay down
To stay all night with you
For there's a prettier girl in Camden Town
Who's not only got a Jacuzzi, (Nuff said) but has just ordered a Chicken Jalfrezi, and a 6 pack of lager.

Sorted!

Sorry Love...I'll text you next week.
PS can you look after the dogs?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 03:20 PM

Huting? Huting?

Doh!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 07:41 PM

Per Chambers Dictionary ....
to hut ... verb transitive ....to quarter in or to furnish with a hut or huts ......verb intransitive ... to dwell in a hut or huts..

so.... wild huting??? What WAS he getting up to??

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: TheSnail
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 07:52 PM

She met with a rusty highwayman
Two pistols he held to her breast,
Saying deliver your money, your clothing,
Or else you shall die in distress.

Good God! I wouldn't want to be seen dead in dis dress.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 07:58 PM

Been thinking about that - maybe he was in the construction industry ... a jobbing builder in a frenzy......?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 07:59 PM

THat comment was directed at wild huting ... not at dresses....LOL

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 17 Jul 08 - 09:01 PM

JAMES CAMPBELL   (Frank Proffitt 1960)

Booted and spurred and bridled went he
A plume in his saddle and a sword at his knee
Back came his saddle all bloody to see
Back came his horse, but never came he.

Riding on the highlands steep was the way
Riding in the lowlands
Hard by the Tay.

Out came his old mother
With feet all so bare
Out came his bonnie bride
Tearing her hair

The meadows all a-falling
And the sheep all unshorn
The house is a leaking
And the baby's unborn

But bonnie James Campbell
Nowhere can you see
With a plume in his saddle
And a sword at his knee

I just knew it... he's been fighting down at the boozer again hasn't he??? I suppose he's in a cell down at the nick... I should have listened to me Mum when she warned me about him ....Men!!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: The Borchester Echo
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 03:10 AM

YOUNG SHOPPING

Earl Richard is to Tesco gone
His Club Card in his hands
He's bought cheap beer and Pringles round
And at the floozie's door now stands.

"Yer comin' in? The heating's on
And the lava lamp's all lit"
"Nah" said he, '"I'm away back home
Mrs Richard's ten times more fit'"

So she knifed him.

Several weeks later:

Earl Richard, lain long in the Ikea self-assembly wardrobe
Had really begun to smell.
'"'ere, gimme an 'hand", to the cleaner she said,
"to sling 'im down the deep drawer well" .

'Twas the day the bin men went on strike
And the rubbish chute got stuck
Mrs Richard had called the cops
And the two of them screamed "Oh ****"

And then they were both burned like hokey green.
Whatever that is.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 06:08 AM

Then Douglas rode into Newcastle
"Whose house is this so fine?"
Up and spoke him, proud Percy,
"I tell you this house was mine,
But my mortgage was with Northern Rock, and they foreclosed."

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 10:40 AM

Away and away went the proud young porter,
Away and away went he,
And when he came to the wide water,
He fell on his belly and said, "Hang on, I'm in the wrong ballad".



[That's enough Bateman - Ed.]

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 19 Jul 08 - 07:00 AM

BRENNAN ON THE MOOR

It's of a fearless highwayman, a story now I'll tell
His name was William Brennan, and in Ireland he did dwell
Twas on the Limerick mountains, he commenced his wild career
Acosting various gentlemen, who thought him rather queer.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 19 Jul 08 - 07:32 AM

TIME TO REMEMBER THE POOR (Mr Lolly again!)

Cold Winter is come with it's cold chilling breath
And, the leaves are all gone from the trees
And, all seems touched by the finger of death
And, the streams are beginning to freeze
When the Young Wanton lads o'er the river do slide
When Flora attends us no more
When in plenty you're sitting by a warm fireside
It's time to crack open another can of Tennants Extra

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: fat B****rd
Date: 19 Jul 08 - 02:51 PM

"Me coat and boots is all in pawn"
And I'm bloody freezin'

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 06:53 AM

THE SIX SWEETHEARTS (Irish)

I've had a grand experience, I'm going to tell you now
By courting six girls all at once, they served me anyhow
My mother said "You're wicked", I laughed at her advice
She said I was naughty, but, I was very nice

So I fell in love with Mary Anne, and then with Mary Jane
And then with pretty Miss McCann, and then with Kate McClean
And then with Betty Hopsican, and then with Nellie Small
There were plenty of others, but, by this stage, I was knackered.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Splott Man
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 07:18 AM

Hello darkness my old friend,
I've stubbed my bloody toe again!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: A Wandering Minstrel
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 07:59 AM

What are the bugles blowing for?
said Files_on_Parade
B******d if I know
The Colour-Sargeant said...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jul 08 - 09:11 AM

Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam
And the skies are not cloudy all day,
Where seldom is heard an encouraging word
And farms are foreclosed every day.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 12:16 AM

I remember that one from my childhood, Rapaire, but we finished with 'Where seldom is heard a discouraging word,
'cos the wife is out working all day!'

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Splott Man
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 03:38 AM

Show me a home where the buffalo roam
And I'll show you a house full of s***

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 05:20 AM

EDWARD CONNORS

Come all you loyal Irishmen, and listen for a while
All that wish to emigrate, and leave the emerald isle
A kind advice I will give you, which you must bear in mind
Don't forget your toothbrush, when you leave your land behind

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 05:38 AM

THE CREGGAN WHITE HAIR

In the lowlands of Creggan there lives a white hare
As swift as the swallow that flies through the air
You may tramp the world over but none can compare
With the curry that's made from the Bonny White Hare

(PS, a nice lime pickle and an onion bhaji is a nice accompaniment)

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 06:09 AM

Blimey .. that white animal with long floppy ears has rematerialised again... so that's what happened to it!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 06:57 AM

THE CREGGAN WHITE HAIR??

Well, she was getting on a bit, but still very sexy!

Sorry for the typo

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 07:05 AM

Gives a whole new overtone to the piece...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Jul 08 - 08:42 PM

...

Matty Groves was a manly man, with balls to split his pants, sirs,
When caught in bed with Arlen's wife, he gave him snappy answers.

...

Now where was Arlen's wife through this? She stayed beneath the covers,
And watched the fight, and did her nails, while Arlen killed her lover.

She never thought to run and hide, nor did she make excuses,
She said the one thing guaranteed to make Arlen blow his fuses.

So she got herself and Matty killed by being a stupid hen --
But what else but a brainless slut would go for Manly Men?

-- Leslie Fish, "Manly Man Matty Groves"

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 23 Jul 08 - 07:25 AM

PAT REILLY

It being on a monday morning,it being our pay day
We met Seargent Jenkins, at our going away
He says to Pat Reilly, you are a handsome young man
Will you come to John Kellys?.......Your imagination takes over at this point.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Paul Burke
Date: 23 Jul 08 - 08:18 AM

She dressed up in man's apparel,
Man's apparel she put on,
And she followed her true lover,
For to find him she is gone.

She rose early the very next morning,
She rose up at the break of day,
There she saw her true love William,
Walking with a lady gay.

She took a look at William Taylor,
And at the lady by his side,
Decided which one she preferred
And took the girl home for her bride.

----

My mother did me deadly spite
For she sent thieves in the dark of night
Put my servants all to flight
They kicked the cat and pinched my bike...

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Sky Sailor
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 02:33 AM

They gave him his orders in Monoe, Virginia....

Have them brakes seen to!

(Couldn't resist)

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 08:16 AM

Out of his knapsack he drew a fine fiddle

And she said Christ almighty, I thought I was here for a good f*ck and all you can do is think about music !

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 08:17 AM

I have a sister, Sir Clifford said
A sister no man knows

and his sister thought, that's what YOU think, bro !

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 09:30 AM

What more perversion could a man desire
Than to beaten be with electric wire ?
Upon his XXXX some dirty wench
Aye, and on the table a jug of punch.

Toora loora loo . . .

Brown Adam came back to the bower
And a little thereby stood he
To hear some poxy full false knight
Hear this from his lady gay :

You're OK for a quickie, lad - Brown Adam's off hunting venison. At least, that's what he said he was doing . . .

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: DMcG
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 09:42 AM

Someone at a club I went to in the seventies used to sing:

What more perversion can a man desire
Than to beat his wife with a Dunlop tyre
.......
Aye, and on the table, a monkey wrench.


That third line escapes me. Probably just as well.

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jul 08 - 03:50 PM

Bottle of wine, fruit of the vine
When ya gonna let me get sober?
See your AA, there's a 12 Step Program for you.

Subject: Lyr Add: THE DYING HOBO (E. C. Smith, 1915)
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 12:22 AM

THE DYING HOBO (Mr E.C. Smith, Weston, Lewis County, 1915)

(I was going to muck about with this, but the original is too good!)

Behind a western water tank, a dying hobo lay
Inside an empty box car, one cold November day
His comrade sat beside him, with a low and drooping head
Listening to the final words, this dying hobo said.

I am going to a better land, where everything is bright
Where handouts grow on bushes, and you can sleep out every night
Tell my sweetheart back in Denver, no more her face I'll view
For I have caught the fast train, and now I'm going through

Tell her not to weep for me, no tears in her eyes must lurk
For I have gone to a distant land, where men don't have to work
Don't have to work at all my friend, not even change their socks
Where little streams of alcohol, come tingling down the rocks

Hark! I hear the whistling, I must catch her on the fly
Just one more drink of the nine five booze,It's not so hard to die
His voice grew weak, His head fell back, He's sung his last refrain
His partner swiped his coat and hat, and caught the eastbound train!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 08:10 AM

You sure you didn't change that last line Ralphie ?? As you say, too good if true!!

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 10:33 AM

Yep....True enough....
I've got the book to prove it!
R x

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Surreysinger
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 01:20 PM

What's the name of the book ?

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Michael
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 01:58 PM

At a guess; "Pills to Purge Melancholy"

Well it certainly did somthing to mine!

Mike

Subject: RE: The Nice But Dim Knight
From: Leadfingers
Date: 27 Jul 08 - 06:32 PM

200