BS: Does the Bear Shi.....

Subject: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 09:16 AM

...well, I wish the sumabich would... Last night he figured that the deck right off our bedroom would do just fine... From the looks of his offerin's I'd say he must be a purdy big sumabichin' bear, too...

B;~(

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: jacqui.c
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 09:21 AM

Are you sure that it's not McCain delivering his message right to your door?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 09:25 AM

If is was then McCain is one hell of a man judgin' from the size of his "message"...lol...

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 09:47 AM

Any sign of hanging chads?

XG

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 10:37 AM

Bobert, a bear kin tear your door down, toss you aside like a rag doll, drink up all yer beer, smoke all yer weed, make love to yer wife, eat all yer food, wreck yer truck and exit yer house any way it wants.

Iffen you do something dumb, like decide ta shoot it, it'll place yer gun in such a place ya'll walk straight up and down fer the rest of yer life.

And that's jist a new-born cub. The adults are a lot worse.

Best thing to do is to understand that the bear left that calling card as a present and bears think that iffen you don't treasure it and honor it (like you would an autographed picher of, say, Pres. W) you'll make it REALLY REALLY angry.

So reverently scoop up what was left and put it in a golden urn with crystal sides. Use it as a centerpiece at every meal, and keep it in a place of honor in yer house.

Otherwise...the bear will get mad and you don't want that to happen.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 10:54 AM

It was a belated housewarming present... a gift for the compost pile. I'm sure a nice big pot of honey would be a suitable reciprocal gift.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Cluin
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM

He's just returning the favour, seeing as how people have been dumping their crap in his home for years.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 12:59 PM

He couldn't get in or...


Progress IS being made

you need to train that bear!

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 01:03 PM

lol, bill...

btw, the "Progress" one didn't work fir me...

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: topical tom
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 01:10 PM

Where's Sarah Palin when you really need her?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 01:26 PM

She's having a wink

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 01:26 PM

Obviously, that site doesn't allow 'hot linking', but if you copy & past the link, it will work.

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/attachment/154/bearshit.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: EBarnacle
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 10:02 PM

Now, if we can get it to wear a dress, we can name it Pope.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: JennieG
Date: 01 Nov 08 - 11:32 PM

Geez Bobert I don't know why you are worried......now if the bear had been IN the bedroom instead of on the deck, you would have had cause for concern!

Cheers
JennieG in Oz where the only bears we have are drop bears

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 12:03 AM

I'm a-tellin' ya, Bobert, that there bear's after yer honey and yer honey's the P-vine.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 12:52 AM

Ya' know................Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys were visiting Clete's great aunt Dora down in Pennington Gap and started back north yesterday morning. Now I don't think it was them but the timing's about right and you never know. Buford has been known to go a week without a crap and then when he lets go.................well, your description makes me at least suspicious.

If it was them at least they won't be back (you hope) as they're miles up the road by now (you hope). Course it also depends on how often their van breaks down..................

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 01:42 AM

Easy way to settle it. Is your pic-a-nic basket gone?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 05:25 AM

Was it a Boo Boo, or a poo poo?

XG

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 08:50 AM

Oh, it was poo allright and unless Buford been eatin' lots of persimmons then I think we can rule Buford out...

So last night the bear decided to knock over an 8 foot longs section of iron fence... Fell right on a bunch of the P-Vine's azaleas... That is a bad thing for a bear to do... Now she wants me rent a bear costume and sit out in the middle of the yard tonight with the "big gun"??? I'm not completely sold on that idea...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:01 AM

She wants you bare, in the yard, at night?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: topical tom
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:12 AM

Oh, the bear she shit in the shavings
The bear she shit in the shavings
The bear she shit in the shavings
And covered it up with her paw.


Maybe put some shavings on the deck? Cleanup might be easier.You'd just have to shovel shavings rather than shovel shit.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: EBarnacle
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:28 AM

It probably makes great compost.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:44 AM

Bobert - that is one BRAVE bear! Doing damage to the P-Vine's dahlias?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:29 AM

He ain't all that brave 'er the sumabich would do it in broad daylight... Actually, I think this is the same bear who ventured into the yard a couple months ago and she gave him the dickens... Scared Mr. Bear half to death... So now the sneeky sumabich waits a couple hours after the lights go out...

Okay, he is a quick learner... I'll give him credit there...

Yeah, I might have to pull my Elmer Fudd routine on him if he keeps messin' stuff up while we is sleepin'...

Hey, Mr. Bear, how do you spell "BANG!", huh??? 'Er "PUMPKIN BALL"??? Yeah, answer me than one, will ya, ya little weizel...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Ebbie
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 12:14 PM

Oh, the bear she shit in the shavings
The bear she shit in the shavings
The bear she shit in the shavings
And covered it up with her paw.

Get real. Generally speaking, the male bear doesn't hang around to raise the young'uns so the chances are that she doesn't evn know her paw.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 03:23 PM

Okay Bobert, here's how ya git ridda that bear:

Wait 'til this winter when th' crick's frozen over. Then take yer axe out t' th' crick an' chop a three or four foot hole in th' ice. Take some frozen crowder peas an' sprinkle 'em around that hole in th' ice an' then go hide someplace nearby. Then, when that ol' bear comes to th' crick an' bends over t' take a pea, sneak up behind him an' kick him in th' ice hole.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 03:52 PM

Slewfoot

high on a mountain, tell me what do you see?
bear tracks, bear tracks, looking back at me
you'd better get your rifle, boy, before it's too late
that bear's got a little pig and he's headed for the gate

   now, he's big around the middle and he's broad across the rump
   running ninety miles an hour, taking thirty feet a jump
   he ain't never been caught; he ain't never been treed
   some folks say that he's a lot like me

well, I saved up my money and I bought me some bees
they started making honey, way up in the trees
I chopped down the tree but my honey's all gone
ol' Slewfoot done been here and made himself at home

   (chorus)

the winter's coming on now; it's forty below
river's frozen over now, so where can he go?
we chased him up the gully and corner'd him well
and shot him in the bottom just to listen to him yell

(chorus)

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:04 PM

From one old country boy to the next, I would recommend a load of rock salt in the ass of that misguided bruin. If that don't work, then I would tell you that a bear skin rug makes a very nice floor covering........

shit ...... forgot where I was at ....... let me get my hat .......

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:13 PM

If you want to know how to treat a bear... this is how!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:17 PM

Bobert, iffen yer gonna SHOOT that b'ar use a 12 gauge with them big ol' slugs in it -- and one of them semi-autos with the plug out so's you can shoot and keep shootin'. Anything less is just gonna make that b'ar mad, and then the b'ar is gonna take it out on you.

And YOU might be Mighty Mister Macho King Of The Hill his own self but that b'ar is gonna make you into confetti afore'n it dies. Damned UGLY confetti, too.

Kin I have the rug from the skin?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:25 PM

Sorry, G-Silver, but I like B-Micks idea alot better than gettin' into a fist fight with this bear... The only problem I have with the rock salt is that ya' gotta clean yer gun right after usin' it... Think I'll just give him a load of #7 shot... And if that doesn't bother him then the punkin ball can't be too far behind...

But seriously, I'd hate to have to shoot the sumabich... I'm purdy sure I know this bear and, geeze, he's probably more misunderstood than anything... Now deer??? I shoot them like pop bottles...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 08:50 PM

Bobert, if you got a 12 gauge you might consider using them "bird bomb" shells. The ones that shoot a cherry bomb at the critter. They don't hurt 'em none but it does scare the cra...stuffing out of them and make 'em retreat. Biologists up in Alaska and the Arctic use 'em to scare bears off, and if it'll work on the polar bear or a grizzly it'll work on that poor little black bear that's botherin' you.

Yer local gun store might have them shells. They're pricey, but hey, if you don't have ta kill it, skin it, dress it out, butcher it, and eat it....

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: topical tom
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:52 PM

Ebbie: LOL! Good one!

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:55 AM

Well, Rap... I have the Wes Ginny version of the "bird bomb"... They called bottle rockets 'cept I don't use no bottle... I just use my hand for a launcher... I've got it down purdy good so that if the rocket don't mess up I can usually get the thing into a herd of deer 200 feet away when it goes "Bang"... Now that is good, clean fun...

But, yeah, I have a 12 guage (Winchester Model 1300 Featherweight pump)... I figured that if things get to testy between my and Mr. Bear then a punkin ball outta it might get me a nice bear skin rug...

(You wouldn't shoot that bear, would ya, Bobert???)

Well, let me put it this way... It would tear me up to shoot the bear but between engagine in hand-to-hand combat with him and pulling the trigger, I'm pickin' the trigger, thank you...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Paul Burke
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:57 AM

But is the Poop a Catholic?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 09:10 AM

Bobert, Ol' Dan'l Boone and other folks who passed that way used ta hunt b'ars with a big ol' knife. They'd light inta the b'ar an' go at it. Saved powder an' ball.

'Course, the other folks who passed that way usually passed that way, iffen ya git ma drift. So iffen ya feel ya gotta shoot 'em, stand back an' aim straight an' keep shootin' until the suckers down and then shoot some more. Holes in the rug kin be patched up, holes in you are another story.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: GUEST,Donegal Danny
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:23 AM

Catspaw reminds me of one Seumas Montgomery, who is recorded as saying, "I only ever shite once a month ... I don't go anywhere that day". One time a farmer saw what he thought was a pile of lime lying unused, and asked could he buy it; "Ah, maybe there's not so much lime there as ye'd think".

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Gurney
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 03:16 PM

'Dear Mr. Ursus, We are in receipt of your deposit of the 31st....'


Good luck, mate. The worst we get is next-door's dog barking.
Her Indoors thought it would be lovely if we lived among the wildlife like that. I gave her one of my looks.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 03:54 PM

Well, Gurney, I live in a city of about 56,000 people. So far this year we've had mountain lions, bears, elk, moose, and deer wander around, including three lions on the campus of the University.

This doesn't include stuff like skunks and porcupines and other little critters.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Sorcha
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 04:49 PM

Coons, possums, wild turkeys, deer......a lion was 'sighted' a mile from town, but never showed up again. A lion WAS killed near a Scottsbluff elementry school last year....IN a town of 15,000! (Bluffs is 30 miles from me).

Can we count those !@#$%! grackles and starlings? Damm poopy birds.

So far no moose, elk or bear.....had a bear down on the river a while back. He kept going.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 06:09 PM

Had an email from the city a while back thanking everyone who helped remove the dead cow from the river....

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 06:39 PM

Yeah, dead cows in the river is bad enough but it's the live ones who have access to our streams and rivers who concern me alot more... And we wonder why the Chesepeake Bay is so sick??? Did anyone ever think that we don't need tens upon thousands of tons of cow manure adding nitogen and other nasties to the water???

Now as fir getting in a knive fight with Mr. Bear, Rap??? That's right up there with getting into a fist fight with the sumabbich... Ain't gonna happen... My Winchester holds 3 shots (4 if you break the law) and I think three 12 guage punkin balls in Mr. Bear is about all the lead that he can use...

But good news... He didn't come 'round last night that we know of so manybe we ain't gonna have to have no altercation at all... That would be nice...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 06:47 PM

Bobert, iffen I was you and I had to fight a bear I'd bring the heaviest firepower I could to the fist fight. Yeah, I know that shootin' an unarmed fella is unfair, but I'd want a 12 gauge, a .338, a machine gun, and several hand grenades just in case I couldn't shoot straight. And then I'd get serious!

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:33 PM

As a general rule, I do not care much for handguns, but if a bear was shittin' on my porch I'd be shellin' out for one of these.


Bears is what .44 mags was made to shoot, not people.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Gurney
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:35 PM

Dear Mr. Rapaire, please don't fall out with me.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Big Mick
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 09:44 AM

Yep, Bee dub, that is precisely what the old .44 is made for. In the springtime, for the opening of trout season in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan ( we call that the UP hereabouts, but I spelled it out fer my friends across the various ponds of water) that is what I carry just in case some bruin up there decides it wants to tangle with the Mick whilst he is tricking the trout. That .44 will make them do a 2 and a 1/2 backflip with a tuck. I also carry a foghorn (aerosol can with a horn for use by boats), and now some bear strength pepper spray. I would prefer not to have to shoot the animal, but if they are determined to wrassle, then they are wrasslin' with the Ruger.

Bobert, you might want to try the pepper spray. If you can make that critter associate your house with the nasty burning eye thing, he just might steer clear.

Speaking of the UP, most of you know that the Mackinac Bridge separates the upper peninsula of Michigan from the lower peninsula (the part that looks like a mitten) of Michigan. Do you know what the Yoopers (UP'ers) call folks from the lower peninsula? Trolls. That's because they live below the bridge.

Damn turkeys are like rats around here.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: EBarnacle
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:11 PM

Mick, Thanksgiving is a'comin'in.
If yer gonna go arter him proper, why not do slug loads in your shotgun? The point is to stop Ursus, not annoy him.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:28 PM

Mick, a .456 Casull'll have more stopping power than a .44 mag. But if it was MY butt on the line I'd like one of these or maybe one of these.

Messin' with bears I want a one-shot stop solution.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:47 PM

Dang, Rap, the object is to stop the critter in his tracks if necessary, not to turn him into bear-fetti.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:49 PM

Bee-Dubya, I've always felt that if was him or me I'd druther it was him.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:50 PM

('Course, I also believe with all my heart what my brother once said: If you need even ONE bullet you probably shouldn't be there.)

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 04:29 AM

"but it does scare the cra...stuffing out of them "

Surely the object of the exercise is to prevent him defecating on the decking, not adding to the pile?!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 08:10 AM

Well, that would be Bobert's problem now, wouldn't it? I'm just a-tryin' ta help the ol' boy out. (grin, grin)

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 05:15 PM

Defecating on the decking? Isn't that a line from 'The Good Ship Venus?'

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: EBarnacle
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 10:32 PM

Of course it is: There's Fecal else to do!

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 10:49 PM

The bear just misunderstood: Bobert had said, "Just leave the bowl on the porch when you're done."

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 04:16 AM

Be grateful he didn't knock on your window and ask for a magazine!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Bobert
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 08:00 AM

Well, 4 days and no more bear poop or even evidence that he's been hangin' 'round...

Knock on wood...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 09:23 AM

Bobert, why you want to keep bangin' yerself on the haid?

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Ebbie
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 10:06 AM

Bobert, not to worry you or nuthin', but when I worked at a wilderness lodge and there were a lot of bears round about, the bears had a pattern.

We could practically track them: One would come through, hourly checking out the honey/butter sauce that slathered the wild salmon steaks and which collected in the outdoor fire pit for several, perhaps three, days and then travel on, as the next one would arrive.

Your bear may just be travellin'.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Big Mick
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 03:04 PM

Rap, I don't carry the shotgun cuz I am up there fishing, and the cover is pretty dense, and it would be a pain in the arse, and...... whatever else I can come up with. As I said, the pistol is just a final precaution. I try and scare the critter away, hit them with the spray, etc. But if'n its a mama bruin wi' cubs up a nearby tree,.... well, you know.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 09:26 PM

Well, Mick, if you take an old side-by-double barrel (a "two-pipe") and kinda shorten the barrel and the stock and do a little filing to smooth things off, why it can be just as convenient as a pistol. Of course, you might possibly maybe perhaps have a little tiny spot of trouble with the Law Enforcement Authorities about it, but I'm certain that once you explained they'd probably be okay with it, maybe.

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Nov 08 - 03:56 AM

Why don't they just make short barrelled shotguns? Everyone just saws those suckers off anyhoo!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Paul Burke
Date: 07 Nov 08 - 05:07 AM

Liz, you could combine this thread with your hugs thread, and get a hug to last a lifetime...

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Nov 08 - 05:10 AM

Hmmm.. I like the idea of bare hugs....


LTS


































And yes, I did check my spelling. :)

Subject: RE: BS: Does the Bear Shi.....
From: Big Mick
Date: 07 Nov 08 - 03:44 PM

I have one waiting for you, Liz...... **chuckle**

Mick