BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke

Subject: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Helen
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 05:41 PM

Hi Big Mick,

Here's a joke for you - from one Unionist to another

Helen

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said.

He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Penny S.
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 06:39 PM

And there I was, thinking that it was going to be like the joke I heard Dave Allen tell (I believe it came from another time and place, but here goes anyway.

A West Indian was visiting Northern Ireland, and on Sunday, looked around for a church most like the evangelical church he worshipped in at home. As luck would have it, the one he found was that led by one Dr. Paisley, but as he went to the door, he was turned away, with the explanation that the church was full.

The next Sunday, still in town, he returned, earlier, but only to find himself told the church was full again.

The same thing happened the third Sunday, and he began to feel in need of support, so he started to pray, "God, will you help me to get into the church to worship you? I've been trying to get in for three weeks."

And a voice came down from above, "I can't help you, son. I've been trying to get in there for twenty years."

Except that it's not exactly Unionist, is it? The word, you will appreciate, carries a different set of meanings over here. Seriously inappropriate for Big Mick.

Penny

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 07:17 PM

To follow on the second vein....

An American came over to the UK to visit the 'old country' and whilst here, being a good Pentecostal, decided to go to church. He couldn't find a Pentecostal church anywhere, so he thought 'I'll do the next best thing', and went into an Anglican (Church of England) church. He found his way to a pew and sat down. The service progressed and he found himself getting more and more involved in what the priest was saying. Soon he forgot where he was, and at a particularly moving part of the sermon, shouted out 'Alleluia!' The rest of the congregation stared at him, and he sat down. Soon he was engrossed again. 'Praise the Lord!!' he yells at the priest. The priest stared at him, the congregation stared at him, and he sat down again, red-faced. But the sermon was just so inspiring, and soon he is leaping up and down, waving his hands in the air and shouting 'Ah-men!!' The churchwarden made his way over to the American visitor and took him by the arm. 'Excuse me sir, I'm sorry but we can't possibly allow behaviour like this in here.' 'Ah cayn't help it, Ah got religion!' 'That may be so sir, but you didn't get it here!!'

LTS, appologising for her American accent, it sounds worse than it types...

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 08:07 PM

Well this one is supposed be be in Scotland, butbit's the same thing:

A visitor from overseas comes to a small Scottish Town. Let's say he's American. Anyway, he's a Catholic, and come Sunday he decides he ought to get to Mass.

So he comes out and asks this passing local "Could you tell me where I could find a chapel ropund here?"

And the local says, "Of course I will. The big Kirk is up at the top of the hill."

So the visitor says, "Thanks, but that won't do - I'm not a Presbyterian, you see".

"Oh that's all right, we've all sorts here. Well if you're Church of Scotland, that's round the corner - or there's the Methodist Chapel in that street tere - and the Quakers have a meeting house somewhere0.."

"But where do the Catholics go?"

"The Catholics?" says the local, and he looks shocked. "The Catholics?? The Catholics - they go to hell!!"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: paddymac
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 11:50 PM

If we all can and will laugh at ourselves, these are all funny, especially against the backdrop of events of the last week or so in northern ireland.

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Big Mick
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 12:41 AM

I LOVE IT!!!! My time on the 'Cat is so limited right now, that when I saw the name of the thread, I laughed out loud. This I why I love this place and you folks so much. Great jokes..............about both meanings of Unionist. Here are a couple of more for you.

Clancy has immigrated to The States and is driving a taxicab in New York City. He pulls up to Kennedy International Airport and into his cab jumps a very proper British Colonel. "I say, my good fellow, would you mind taking me to Christ Church?" sez the very proper Brit. "Right" sez yer man and he drives like hell for about 45 minutes or so and pulls up in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral in Manhattan. The Brit clears his throat several times, and says, "Excuse me, my good man, but I asked you to take me to Christ Church". Pat responds, "If he's in town,..........he's in there".

There were three slightly inebriated guys sitting behind three nuns at a Notre Dame football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So, the first one says to the others (loud enough for the Nuns in front to hear), "I think I want to move to California; I hear there are only 100 Catholics living there." The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington; I hear there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho; I hear there are only 25 Catholics living there." One of the nuns turns around and looks them all in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell; there aren't any Catholics there."

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Micca
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 03:27 AM

A pagan dies and after the death trauma he opens his eyes and finds himself in a lobby with an old boy with the Book and keys. He says "Bloody hell, did we get it wrong, are you St Peter"
the old boy says "no, no this is heaven or what ever your religion calls it, to some I am St Peter but I'm not exclusive".
"I'm sorry but were painting the front gate so we will have to go in the side gate, follow me"
they set off along theis corridor with lots of doors in it. each door is labelled wit a different religion, Islam, Buddhist, Hindu, Anglican etc.The guy asks St Petr whats behind the doors and is told that each religion has the heaven of its teachings.
"Can I have a peep"
Yes sure
He opens the spy hole in the Muslim door and sees a garden full of delights and dark eyed houris as described in the Koran. They turn a corner and there is a stretch of corridor with soundproofing on the walls and deep pile carpet on the floor and a massive door in the middle.
" Whats this for" he says St Peter replies " Its for the Catholics they think they are the only ones up here"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Pete Peterson
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 09:04 AM

I think it was Isaac Asimov who gave me a quick way of finding out if a person is a chemist:

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Pete Peterson
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 09:04 AM

I think it was Isaac Asimov who gave me a quick way of finding out if a person is a chemist:

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Pete Peterson
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 09:07 AM

try again: ask them to prnounce the word UNIONIZED if they say it "un-eye-un-eyezd", they are chemists.

Works for both sexes, as opposed to the other test: "a chemist is a man who washes his hands before using the urinal"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Micca
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 09:37 AM

There is also Periodic acid
Non-Chenists say Period-ic acid
Chemists say Per-Iodic acid

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Melbert
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 06:25 PM

Paisley was being driven round Brussels in his new Mercedes limo (one of the perks of being an MEP) when he spots a Catholic Bishop walking along the street. He instructs the driver to pull over and offers the bishop a lift. The Bishop gets in the car whereupon the rev P procedes to show off all of the Merc's gadgets and gizmo's in an attempt to make the Bishop jealous. After a while the driver remarks to Mr P that the Bishop is singing to himself as they drive along. Paisley comments that many people sing to themselves to pass the time on a long journey. The driver says "yes......... but he's singing "the sash"........."
Paisley says, "ah yes, that'll be the catholytic converter!"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Nov 99 - 10:51 AM

...*big grin*...and a friend once spent HOURS trying to tell me that the troubles in N. Ireland were NOT about religion!

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: JedMarum
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 08:53 AM

Jesus was sitting at the well when a crowd approached him, pushing before them a woman who had been caught sinning. They said to him, "This woman has been caught in the act of adultery and the Law of Moses says she should be stoned to death. What should we do?"

Jesus knew they were trying to trick him. He sat quietly for long moment, apparently thinking and tracing in the dust with a stick. Finally he spoke, "Let he among you, who is without sin be the first to cast a stone."

The crowd fell silent for what seemed a very long time, when suddenly a single stone flew through the air and struck the woman in the forehead, opening a cut and knocking her to the ground.

Jesus looked from the woman up into the crowd and spoke sharply, "Ya know, Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Mbo
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 09:06 AM

Oy! Enough with the Catholic bashing! (I do like the one about no Catholics in Hell, though!)

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Ferrara
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 02:47 PM

Thought I'd steal a few minutes for the 'Cat - "Just one thread...." Anyway, glad I picked this one, it's fun. I also liked the one about the nuns at the football game. Heard it before, also the one about "They think they're the only ones here," because some of my friends went to Catholic school. Now let's see if I can resist reading one more thread.... - Rita F

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Chet W.
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 04:37 PM

An old priest and a rabbi had been friends for much of their long lives. One day over coffee, the priest says, "You know I've always wanted to ask you something. Have you ever tasted ham?" The rabbi smiles and says, "Yes, once when I was young and adventurous, I did try some ham. And by the way, I've always wanted to ask you something. Have you ever been with a woman?" The priest faintly smiles and says, "Yes, when I was young and before I was a priest, I was with several girls." The rabbi looks at his old friend and says, "It was better than ham, wasn't it?"

A man in the habit of being unfaithful to his wife was talked into going to confession by a friend. In the booth, the man said to the priest, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife." The priest asked, "All right, who was it with this time." The man said he didn't want to tell, but the priest insisted, "Was it Barbara?" "No" "Was it Fiona?" "No." "Was it Catherine?" "No" "Well if you won't tell just say ten our fathers and don't do it again!" The man left and met his friend outside the church, where the friend asked, "Well, what did you get?" He replied, "Ten our fathers and three good tips!"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: JedMarum
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 05:06 PM

hmmm, an old catholic like me and I haven't figured out where I've been bashed. I thought these were all pretty funny! ("...three good tips!"

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Mbo
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 06:58 PM

I guess I'm just not that big on poking fun at other's religions, but that's just me. I'd like to have everyone accept the world's many religions and as Alan Stivell says "Understand Each Other!" But if everyone else is making funny jokes, here's a great Irish children's rhyme: "Proddy Proddy on the wall, one stale loaf will feed you all!"

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 07:23 PM

There was a really, really long line of souls waiting patiently for their interviews with Saint Peter when one of his angels walked down the line asking if any of them happened to be a psychiatrist. A soul at the very end of the line responded: "Yes, I am a psychiatrist."

"Come with me sir," said the angel.

Among the ten million or so souls still waiting, some grumbling was heard and St. Pete himself came out to see what was the matter.

Among those grumbling were a Pope, an Ayatollah, dozens of pentecostal and Baptist preachers, and thousands of other clerics representing every religion here on earth. Saint Peter asked what they were grumbling about, and the Pope said that all of them had spent their lives serving God and had difficulty understanding why a psychiatrist gained entry before them.

Saint Peter looked at the Pope and the others in astonishment, unable to believe any of them had the gall to question divine decisions, but then relented and said, "We have a special need for him--there's a crisis here in heaven: God thinks he's Gargoyle."

(I originally heard this during the Korean war--the punchline then was "God thinks he's MacArthur."

--seed

Subject: RE: BS: For Big Mick: A Unionist joke
From: Pete Peterson
Date: 29 Nov 99 - 11:46 PM

I know the punch line as "he thinks he's a U.S. District Judge", or, alternately, "he thinks he's a doctor"