BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 07:58 AM

looks around & wanders out again, following the trail Severn left

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 08:45 AM

S**t! Exclaims the Gnome. What did I just drink?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

.... and asks, "has anybody seen an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 09:25 AM

"Was that a dog of some sort" asks the barman

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 09:26 AM

The Bee Gee impersonator at the bar replies:
"Looked like a wombat.
More like a wombat to me"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 10:51 AM

And the wombat said, "Why do I have to be a giant wombat? Is a normal-size wombat wandering into a tavern such a commonplace occurrence that I need to be huge for the joke to work?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 11:10 AM

Huge?
Not if it's a

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 12:35 PM

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar and saw a giant wombat sitting on a bar stool
"Is this some sort of joke?"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 02:02 PM

Over in a corner lime jello is flying from a jello pit, splattering on the wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 02:38 PM

Giant Wombat (AKA Diprotodon)

---

Straight to the image ---tavern-crawling mudelf

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 04:16 PM

"Yummy!" exclaimed the wombat, as it licked its paw which was by now splattered with jello. Then it looked up.

"Did you see that?" it asked.

"What?" asked the barman.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 05:35 PM

giant wombat is a great fan of banjo music which is why it was looking for Severn

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 07 Dec 17 - 08:41 PM

Tell me, giant wombat, are you a four-string or a five-string - or, heaven help us, a guitar banjo with six strings?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 03:53 AM

A Giant Wombat went into a pub, sat on the bar stool ordered a drink and paid for it.
As he sat silently drinking it, the barman, to make conversation, said, "We don't get many Giant Wombats in here".
"At your prices I'm not surprised", came the laconic reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 04:10 AM

A giant Wombat stepped into a bar, and went squelch.

It was a Mars Bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 07:10 AM

The giant wombat noticed something moving below the surface of the jello pit.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 12:47 PM

Bubbling, bubbling from under the jello....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 02:19 PM

Just an aside; bless you nuts, I needed something like this today.

             f.p.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 03:24 PM

whispering deeply at the end of the bar ; "hey honey lets compare gall bladder scars..."
Loud girl: "You've got a lot of gall"
whispering ; don't got any
Loudly : That's sexual harassment.
whisper; that's surgical alignment.
Clanking loudly, loud girl walkers away...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 04:26 PM

If a woman is an adult female human, is a wombat an adult female bat?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 05:16 PM

If last year's terrier newbie makes a return visit,
what on EARTH
will he make of the wombat?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 06:21 PM

Going from bladder to worse, the Terrier drank Perrier which left through his derriere when it lifted its leg next to DeFrosty, the retired snowman.

"Euwwww!" said the ladies on either side of him as they started backing away real fast. "Yellow Snow!", which wasn't helped by the fact that DeFrosty had been drinking beer, which was causing the same effect.

"I tried to get him to stick to vodka", said the alligator behind the bar to Mmario, who was cooking a rack of auroch ribs in the kitchen......

The Hairy Simian Chorale, the Yule Gibbons brought back to entertain again this year by popular demand, enter a door under a sign that says Apiary to change into their choir robes and come running right back out chased by a swarm of bees.....

Sandra In Sydney slaps the guy next to her who had just passed her a note, because she'd thought it said "Where's yer womb at?" and thought she was being harassed.
"Harass, my ass!" yelled the offended stranger. Realizing her mistake, she quickly apologizes and buys the stranger a drink. Sandra looks around the room and says, "Oh my God! Where IS my wombat?"

A booming voice from above said, "IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! I'M JUST HERE FOR MY SON"S BIRTHDAY PARTY......."

A loud splash and a big spray of green Jello gives her a hint......

Did it jump, or was it pushed.....or PULLED, for that matter?......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 06:38 PM

That's, "More THAN A Wombat,"   Bee Gee impersonator ...

Ah, the Harry Simeone Chorale.
Presumably singing Pat-A-Pat-A-PAN!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 07:01 PM

They're running from a swarm of bees, actually, and check the spelling. These are 50 apes in choir robes who have been here before.....

Wait, the bees have found the Jello pit when the apes ran past it. Sweet and sticky is what they like. Hell, it's the next best thing to a soft ice cream stand at the beach or a soft drink dispenser at a catered picnic. I think they'll linger here for awhile.....

The wombat pops his head up to the surface, sees the bees and quickly submerges again......

Subject: RE: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: GUEST, The Giant Squid
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 08:00 PM

A tentacle slices up from the jello pit, describing an arch across and clearing the bees from the gelatinous surface tension around the Giant Wombat's emerging nose.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 08 Dec 17 - 10:24 PM

A group of Liberal Folkies, of whom some of which unfortunately had gotten jello liberally splashed upon them, ran toward the Jello pit screaming at the squid, "SAVE THE BEES!". The Squid, being a gentle soul at heart, gently hurled and re-routed the swarm of bees unhurt in the direction of the sweetly sticky protesters, who beat a hasty retreat to try to hide behind the Christmas tree, which looked like a safe enough place, with a few of those with multiple stings and faces already swelling up running into the dispensary and locking themselves in. Those who'd run for the tree proved too big a crowd to all use it as a Tannenbaum Shelter and threatened to topple it......

A plan was desperately needed to lure the swarm back safely into the apiary and the hives, but how?.....

And with the bees all buzzing in the area of the tree, who would be brave enough help keep the huge Douglas Fur erect?......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 05:35 AM

Without understanding, an expanding cloud of a plan in the center of Severn's mind took over his body as he walked over to automatically play a recording of 'Do the walk of Life' by Dire Straights . As if by instinct Severn unconsciously knew this song had the ability beyond all other songs to cause life forms to release Oxytocin in such quantities it could even cause Obama and Trump to embrace in sincere friendship.

Even the bees felt the oxytocin and became calm and compliant. The love in the room was overwhelming- He got the action, he got the motion
Oh yeah, the boy can play
Dedication, devotion
Turning all the night time into the day
He do the song about the sweet lovin woman
He do the song about the knife
He do the walk, do the walk of life
Yeah, he do the walk of life...woo hoo
It was as though the universe had cracked open and love was flooding in to that god forsaken tavern, Bees Wom jello squid bat and all

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 12:47 PM

The suitably pacified bees drifted up through a hole in the ceiling to build a hive in the Tavern attic, after a false start - Severn went overboard and tried to play Bobby Goldsboro's song Honey at which point the bees became agitated and began to hover and grumble until the music stopped.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 01:44 PM

Janie stumbles in, wondering how she got here. Stands and stares, trying to make sense of what she sees.

A tentacle eases up out of the jello pit and pats her gently on the back. From behind the bar, MMario looks over, and says, "You think too much," as he hands her a Glenlivet, one ice cube. As she takes it from his hand he adds, "Sip, don't toss. Savor the burn."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 02:38 PM

I took a virtual visit over to Amos' new North Carolina spread and found a fir tree that I took the liberty of cutting and hauling to the tavern. It will probably look best on the opposite side of the room from the jello pit.

If someone asks nicely, the ducks and cats that are known to hang around this area might come help decorate it.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: MMario
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 04:18 PM

What ducks?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 05:11 PM

The cats and ducks that are ALWAYS hanging around the tavern. Go find past seasons - you'll see them perching in the rafters watching the events below. But you were always busy roasting auroch in the kitchen, so maybe you didn't notice.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 07:32 PM

Actually, there's no such thing as an "auroch". "Aurochs" is both the singular and the plural. Kinda like "deer" or "sheep"...but backwards.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 10:03 PM

Up high, the bees are reproducing. Soon there will be many sons of bees there.

Below, a chimpanzee wearing a fluffy red dress is dancing with Little Hawk to the haunting strains of "Animal Fair."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Dec 17 - 10:52 PM

... what became of the chimp the chimp the chimp the chimp the chimp ...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 01:58 AM

Did you see that?

Neither did I!

(Stolen, like the wombat's underwear. Points to anyone recognizing that reference...)

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: DMcG
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 04:18 AM

Pondering Bee-Dubya-ell's words of wisdom, DMcG is wondering why trousers and a pair trousers are the same thing, that you can't get a trouser but you can trouser something.

He orders a very large brandy in an attempt to make this seem reasonable.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 06:31 AM

...which brings up the age-old question, "Why do we have a pair of trousers, but only one bra?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 12:29 PM

That must have been someone else. I would only play "Honey" (or anything by Bobby Goldsboro) unless I was trying to inflict torture on someone I loathed. (That also goes for Bobby Vinton or Bobby Vee, for that matter). I'm. Not aware of any enemies in here.

Meanwhile, the Christmas tree, which was beginning to topple from the crowd of protesters pushing and shoving to hide behind it. In rushes DeFrosty, the only one among us who a bee couldn't hurt, in time to catch the tree and prop it back up, with some help from a duck and two bats from the rafters who grabbed the top of the tree. DeFrosty had been outside patching up the yellow spots with fresh white snow. The crowd cheers the snowman and the duck and the bats. The alligator tending the bar sets up vodka for all of them

There is the matter of some decorations that had fallen off the tree to the floor and need to be replaced.

The Squid is present, but where is the wife and the Squidlets?

Ducks and bats scatter in all directions, as the Yule Gibbons from the Hairy Simian Chorale, having spent time drinking after the bees had chased them out of the apiary, were not freely swinging from the rafters and making Tarzan calls. Being a trained choir,they were making them in perfect harmony.......

The two, now drunken bats left the bar and are now teasing the wombat, saying, "What kind of bat are you if you can't FLY?"......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 12:53 PM

Bats! OF COURSE the Tavern has bats!

What's going on in the stables outside the Tavern?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 02:10 PM

What the... asks the Gnome. Never mind what I was drinking before, I'll have a pint of whatever this lot are on :-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 03:33 PM

A whole pint of that ever-so-potent brew might be too much. Stick to the drinks to be had at the Tavern itself.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 06:51 PM

Filling in for Amos, who was doing a def poetry jam, J.C. the bartender, began hammering the bar loudly with his ice hammer.
ATTENTION ATTENTION I have an announcement!

I have been getting reports from folks that they are seeing bizarre talking animals of all kinds...
That's when I realized I have been seeing them myself and didn't think twice. So listen up back there... If you had any of the stuffed mushrooms or the sliced cactus snacks please come to the bar and report how many you ate. Don't worry, I had 3 mushrooms myself and I'm OK. If you are seeing bees and talking cats that's perfectly normal.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 07:41 PM

Of course it is.....don't they all talk?

Meanwhile, the wombat is reclining in the jello pit enjoying the sights and sounds of the season, whatever it is. No one seems to have decided.

In the tree above, a drop bear is waking from a long hibernation. Sometime in the next hour or two or three or four an unsuspecting person will walk under that tree, and the drop bear will drop......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 07:49 PM

Amos will probably arrive in the Tavern through the closet that is shared by the Mudcat Recovery Ward. Nurse Ratched (OMG - we forgot about her!) may have gotten her hands on him. Someone dive through the snow boots and jackets and see if he's in there. And is okay.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 08:20 PM

Amos? Okay? "Silly don't be," says the little green man with pointed ears in the booth behind the wood for the fireplace. "Okay Amos is not now. Nor ever was he." And he continues eating plankton soup with croutons.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 10:36 PM

The wombat in the jello pits themself against the Gnome.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 04:26 AM

Two Siamese cats stroll into the Tavern, have a quick wee on the Wombat, lick the jelly, hiss rudely at the Giant Squid and the Chimp, then settle down on the lap of a rather wrinkled old lady in a pinny sitting smiling in the corner, while eating two buttered crumpets and swigging from a bottle of Old Speckled Hen.
The cats break into a garbled song, which is soon identified as "We wish you a Merry Christmas." (In Siamese of course) The old lady nods vigorously in agreement...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 04:32 AM

Along as it's a drinking contest, no problems.

:D tG

Subject: RE: Attack of the Bat=Diefledremaus
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 09:59 AM

Winds in the east, mist coming in,
Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin.
Can't put me finger on what lies in store,
But I fear what's to happen all happened before.
In an old tavern that was an old house
This story bout bats was diefladermaus

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 01:34 PM

In another corner a swordsman drains another flagon and begins to sing:

Trinke, Liebchen, trinke schnell,
trinken macht die Augen hell.
Sind die schönen Auglein klar,
siehst du alles licht und wahr.
Siehst, wie heisse Lieb' ein Traum,
der uns äffet sehr,
siehst, wie ew'ge Treue Schaum,
so was gibt's nicht mehr!
Flieht auch manche Illusion,
die dir einst dein Herz erfreut,
gibt der Wein dir Tröstung schon
durch Vergessenheit!
Glücklich ist, wer vergisst,
was doch nicht zu ändern ist.
Kling, kling, sing, sing, sing,
trink mit mir, sing mit mir,
Lalala, lalala...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: DMcG
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 02:00 PM

DMcG checks his phone to see if he is in the right time zone ...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 07:23 PM

Bee-dubya checks his phone to see if he's in The Twilight Zone....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 09:16 PM

Finishing his song, he begins another:

In taberna quando sumus,
non curamus quid sit humus,
sed ad ludum properamus,
cui semper insudamus.
quid agatur in taberna
ubi nummus est pincerna,
hoc est opus ut quaeratur;
si quid loquar, audiatur.

Quidam ludunt,
quidam bibunt,
quidam indiscrete vivunt.
sed in ludo qui morantur,
ex his quidam denudantur,
quidam ibi vestiuntur,
quidam saccis induuntur;
ibi nullus timet mortem,
sed pro Baccho mittunt sortem.

Primo pro nummata vini;
ex hac bibunt libertini;
semel bibunt pro captivis,
post haec bibunt ter pro vivis,
quater pro Christianis cunctis...

and stops when a tankard, thrown by Squiddy, knocks him unconscious.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 03:56 AM

Actually, there's no such thing as an "auroch".

so if the mighty beast were too big for the spit, you would cut it in half.

What do you call half an aurochs?

Just saying

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 08:15 AM

Dinner?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

While Rap was still unconscious the wombat snatched him up by the scruff of his neck and quickly stuffed him in her pouch. Uncertain what he just saw, Don glanced back to see if Dave saw the abduction but Dave's face was inscrutable.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 09:40 AM

Something was stirring in her pouch now when it dawned on Don that an extinct wombat could only be real if a time nexus portal had opened nearby and other creatures may be lurking about. Don headed for the door.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 11:58 AM

Carmeena, carmyna,
Burana, burehna,
better call the
calling-orff
Orff

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

The old lady warbles "Bibo Gallinam Veterem Maculosam!" to complete Rapparee's Carmina Burana ditty. The cats look disgusted, as they only understand Siamese.
She smooths down her pinny, hoists herself to her feet and toddles off for another year. The cats have a final quick wee on any creature available and follow her out of the door and down the snowy path.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 06:45 PM

Half of an aurochs is a bit like half a brownie. If you cut a brownie in half, you don't have two half-brownies. You have two brownies, each half the size of the original. The indivisible nature of brownieness extends right down to the near-molecular level. It is a Platonic ideal.

A brownie stands in counterpoint to half a sandwich. You can't make half a sandwich. You must make a whole sandwich and cut it in half. A sandwich made from one slice of bread, folded over, is not half a sandwich. It is a half-sized sandwich.

Now, my I please have a barbecued aurochs sandwich and a large brownie?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 09:06 PM

He sings, his voice pouch-muffled:

I am a bold Irishman, Murphy's me name.
I'm known as a piper and fiddler of fame.
Tin whistlin's me forte, on the flute I'm the same
At the squeeze-box there's none can me equal.
I whistle for breakfast, and pipe for me tea
I play me ould flute twenty-five hours a day.
And I can't understand why so many folk say
I'm champion at drivin' 'em crazy.

Well, I once had a sweetheart, so fair and divine
She said that she loved me, I thought she was mine.
She'd the shape of a fiddle and her hair was so fine
For bowstrings you'd sure find no better.
She told me forever her love would endure;
She asked me to kiss her, me answer was, " Sure.
And why not? It's good practice for my embouchure!"
I'm champion at drivin' 'em crazy.

Well, this lass was persistent and her efforts soon led
To a room in a pub with a big double bed
And she said," Do you know it is time we were wed? "
I said, " Is that a reel or a hornpipe? "
Well I took off my clothes and down on the bed sat
Says she, " Won't your whistle go longer than that?"
I said, "What takes your fancy, is it F or B-flat? "
I'm champion at drivin' 'em crazy.

Well, a little while after, she says to me, "Pat,
I think that your whistlin' is making me fat."
And, a few months being over, she up and begat
A wee fellow, the image of me.
Well, at three weeks of age he could lilt a few tunes;
At a month he was batterin' on bodhran and bones.
And now he's the master of chanter and drones
He'll be champion at drivin' 'em crazy.

Well me wife she soon left us, and all in due course
For "musical cruelty" she got her divorce,
And despite all our vows of "for better or worse,"
I'm left all alone with the baby.
Well, he's Ireland's best piper by quite a long chalk;
His fiddling's unequaled from Sligo to Cork,
And, as soon as he learns how to walk and to talk
He'll be champion at drivin' 'em crazy.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 12:18 AM

A bat without a womb plants a huge slobbery kiss on the old lady, chittering in delight and in French. Irish coffee kinda happens.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 02:26 AM

The singing in her marsupial pouch
turned into dance inside and out
She crossed the floor and crushed a couch
Rap's head popped up and began to shout
"I am the champ of drivin em crazy"
"I'm much better than Martin Scorsese"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 04:40 AM

Half of an aurochs is a bit like half a brownie.

Errrrrrrrrrrrr

If we are being pedantic you would have: a head, a top, a rump, side, Silverside, Shoulder, Hock, Trotter, Neck, Ribs. (No kidney or liver - I don't like them)

No Butt about it.

And as Beardedruce pointed out. While we debate the imponderable
the rabble have scoffed the lot! And there's a lot of aurochs even today. And you will have to be quick to get any brownie(s).

NOW

here's an interesting aside. FireFox queries the spelling of 'aurochs' (auroras anyone?) in plain text, but it doesn't within HTML TAGs eg italics!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 08:19 AM

I want some brownie if it's, you know, one of *those* brownies.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 09:07 AM

It's not just Firefox that calls the word "aurochs" into question. It's spell-check software in general. That such a significant, noble, and fine-tasting beast should have the reality of its existence questioned by a bunch of ones and zeros is an abomination! We must institute a campaign to raise the public profile of the aurochs high enough that the gods of spell-checking have no choice but add it to their lexicons.


Listen up, you spell-checking fascists!

"Aurochs" is a real word!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 11:45 AM

oar ox

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 01:38 PM

Or rocks?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 01:52 PM

A mob of vikings come in singing. A fight breaks out over whether "Row, row, row your knarr" or "I've been working on the whale-road" is the better drinking song.

Someone is over in the corner making a xylophone out of well-chewed aurochs ribs.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 13 Dec 17 - 07:13 PM

not rhythm bones?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 12:39 AM

Have you ever known an aurochs with rhythm?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 12:51 AM

A goblin enters, off the evening shift working the Eerie Canal.

Last of the chocolate mint brownie is wrapped to send to Mrrzy.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 03:54 AM

Have you ever known an aurochs with rhythm?

yes Auroch and Roll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 06:48 AM

The reason why I called you here is to reveal the killer of the auroche, said Detective Donuel. Who Why, Where is but the simplest questions. It was Bruce who found the remains. It was Dave who theorized the brownie dissection, but there are other suspects we need to include so we can eliminate one by one until only one remains!
Having considered the factors that either enable or compel large body sizes to evolve, I now ask how these factors can explain the observed historical pattern in era-level and Phanerozoic-level global gigantism. In particular, (a) what distinguishes the post-Paleozoic interval (especially the second halves of the Mesozoic and Cenozoic eras), during which all ecological categories witnessed the evolution of their largest representatives, from the Paleozoic? and (b) what accounts for the retreat from global gigantism of terrestrial animals during the Cenozoic while maximum size in most marine categories reached its peak during the Late Cenozoic? Who is capable of murdering such a large animal???


IT WAS YOU... --->

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 09:39 AM

I observed that the aurochs' remains, or at least some part of them, were in the possession of an un-named "someone" in the corner, and were being incorporated into a musical instrument.

One of the Vikings has grabbed the aurochs's skull, placed it over his head, and is leading a parade of vikings through the main dining room.

Gold armbands dangle from the horns.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 09:59 AM

Sounds of sailors singing rise to the rafters, waking the ducks, who join in:

"Eat Bertha's mussels, they're the best to have by far.
You can eat them in the dining room, you can eat them in the bar.
When you're ashore in Baltimore..."


And I had thought they were oyster quackers...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 10:04 AM

Severn comes in, with a bag of clean clothes. "Just back from the laundry-mat- Where the Severn meets the Tide."

Many empty bowls are thrown at him, but he grabs the ducks, and throws them back.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 10:21 AM

A minotaur wanders into the tavern, takes a seat at the bar, orders a Guinness, and begins to complain to the bartender about the lousy night he's had.

"I just can't seem to get to sleep. And, when I do, I can't dream well because of my horns."

Gee, Bub, replies the bartender, "Sounds like you need to see a psychiatrist. Or maybe a veterinarian."

The minotaur finishes his Guinness and wanders back to his labyrinth.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 11:38 AM

Dodging bowls and with suprisingly fresh breath, that womblessbat is sending Irish coffees around. No mint. We are authentic, here.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 14 Dec 17 - 02:02 PM

Every year as long as I've been coming here, I order Mmario's House Special sandwich Auroch On Roll and some of the Cajun food that the bartending alligator brings in through the alley gate, courtesy of Louisiana chef Michael Rodeboadacheaux, and I've never noticed any ill effects.

The door to the beach opens and in comes Mrs. Squid and the Squidlets, who immediately eye the Christmas Tree and get into a circle around their ringleader Billy The Squid. Hang on to your belongings, folks anr watch over your coats and hats, because they tend to want to decorate the tree every year with ant loose belongings they find.....

Their mother, tired of watching them after a long day at the beach, goes over to the time clock, punches out for the day and yells "Squidding Time!. Somebody, puh-leeze give me a drink!". The alligator mixes up three Lurchin' Urchins, her favorite, and puts one in each outstretched tentacle.
She goes over to her husband to tell him that it's HIS turn to watch their brat pack, but he just says, "Come over here and meet my new friend."

The wombat is looking at the bats who were going to teach this overgrown so-called bat to fly, but all those drinks must've jammed their radar, for unlike the sober bats, they start crashing into things, as they swoop erratically around the room. One knocks Rap's hat off his head and immediately, a squidlet tentacle grabs it and Billy The Squid disappears into the shadows before the still slightly dazed Rap can even turn around to look for it.....


"I'm not s ure I want to do this", the wombat mutters to himself. He is distracted by a tentacle tapping him on the shoulder.
"Hey Wombie, I want you to meet my better half.".....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Dec 17 - 11:02 PM

"Just five tentacles?" asked Womby.

And the man in the corner reaches into his bag and places a true berserker helm on his head, the chain mail coif falling around his throat. Picking up his shield, he foams at the mouth and chews on the shield's edge, frightening the squidlets into fleeing to the protection of their mother and then into Womby's pouch.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Dec 17 - 05:15 PM

Bee-dubya exits the tavern via the beach door and wanders down the beach a mile or so where he comes upon a tiki bar. Inspired by his surroundings, he goes out on a limb and aks the bartender for a sex on the beach. The bartender hands him a Coors Light.

"What's this?" asks Bee-dubya, "I asked for a sex on the beach. This is a Coors Light!"

"Doesn't matter," said the bartender, "They're both fuckin' near water."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Dec 17 - 10:28 PM

Quietly, he orders another Horse's Ass with a pure poteen chaser.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 02:50 AM

So, asks a tamandua who wandered in by mistake, anybody know any gnu jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 17 Dec 17 - 05:47 AM

Finally warmed by the scotch, Janie is leaning back in her chair next to the jello pit, a big toothy smile on her face.

"Dang!" she says to no one in particular. "Lovin' this."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Dec 17 - 04:03 PM

Have to ask Gnu about gnu jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:23 AM

As the Vikings leave the Tavern, they are serenaded by chori ( plural of chorus) of "Hit the woad, Jak"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:54 AM

As the Vikings leave some North Africans try to enter, but find their way blocked by the assembled "chori" (see previous comment) who continue to explain:
"No Moor, no Moor, no Moor, no Moor!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:05 AM

Nigel heads to the bar to order a pint of "Mother-in-law's tongue" (pint of half & half, 'Old' and 'bitter').

Offers the barman half the requested price, effectively only paying for a half of bitter (he's been reading the Brexit thread). He offers the barman a cunningly crafted gnu-skull candelabra for the balance.

Being Christmas, and panto season, it's a case of Gnu-lamps for 'Old'.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:20 AM

The wombless bat thinks about guano on Nigel, but then remembers whose idea this whole digression was...

Irish coffee happens, instead.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

From one of the doors a pantograph enters, looks around, and wanders out after putting its "mark" on the bar, jello pit, several table, lots of chairs, four other doors, each of the chori, sixteen hats, two auroch, MMario, three gnomes (one of whom objects violently), and four squidlets, seductively wanders back out.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:34 AM

anybody know any gnu jokes?

Yes!

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag!


DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 09:57 AM

Nigel looks around wondering why Madame Cholet, Tobermory & Orinoco have suddenly appeared, but realises it was his bad eyesight reading Mrrzy's post.
Possibly blinded by the coffee which the Wombles bat dropped on him.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 10:27 AM

A prehistoric Trumperious RINO, measuring 32 ft. from tip of horn to toe, removes the entire front walls of the tavern with one swipe of his horn.
Severn: HEY whats the big idea? We're drinkin here we're drinkin here

RINO: FEE FYE FOE FAT I smell the blood of a Democrat

Nigel: glory! It must have been a Tory.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 10:49 AM

Nigel dodges the rhino and finds his way back to the bar (homing instinct 110%) after his first pint of half & half he decides for a pint made from half pale ale, and half Guinness.
He looks around the bar to check there are no Irish he might annoy when he orders his 'black & tan'

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

Not all the squidlets ran for the wombat's pouch seeking a feeling of safety akin to that of a non-bat's womb. Billy the Squid and Squid Rock have been stashing not only Rap's plumed hat (as well as Severn's and DeFrosty's hats), various purses, watches, cell phones, walking sticks, scarves and whatever else they've found loose, in back of the Christmas tree, and they silently motion to one or two other squidlets that are still running loose to join them. It's decorating time again!......

There's more than enough to keep everybody else occupied. One of the wildly swooping drunken bats crashes into a freshly made bowl of the alligator's own recipe orange colored Carrot Juice-based "Rabbit Punch", which, as the bowl slides off the bar and towards the floor, hits everybody below their belt right before there's a sound of shattering glass.

"It's OK, I've got it!", cries DeFrosty, who luckily always carries a broom with him. The alligator passes him a dust pan and says, "Yeah, but what about all that spiked carrot juice?"
"Don't worry", says the snowman. "We just need some rabbits. I'll just reach into my magic silk top hat and......HEY! WHO STOLE MY HAT?"
Severn, holding the dust pan notices that his is gone, as well.....

Up steps the Rhinoceros, wondering where a cup and saucer is, and asks for a drink. Having just knocked down a wall, the rhino seems to have been slightly wounded. When the gator behind the bar asks him hoe he'll pay for it, he says, "I'll charge, of course!".......

Janie asks, "Where's your purse, Mrrz?.......

The Moors, who have secured in injunction to be able to enter and join us, wave it as they come in through the back door that leads to the beach in their bathing suits and singing what must be a seasonal carol in the style of Brian Wilson or Jan & Dean:

"Little EEO,
Well you work so fine
Gonna hire black surfers,
In hardly any time
We'll all be break dancing
On our boards, you know-wo-wo
And if you don't like it,
Sing the Blues to the EEO
Wo, Wo, little EEo
                   (Faster, faster, you Honky bastard)
Wo, wo, little EEO......."


"We're sorry. Someone was making a joke."
"That's OK, 'cause so were WE, so skip the Liberal guilt and tell us where does a Moor go to get the "the merrier" around here?
"Say, wasn't there another one of you originally when you came by the first time?"
"He'll be in in awhile. He doesn't like the beach. He prefers to sit out front on the grass"
"Why is that, pray tell?"
"He's a Lawn Moor......"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wormbait meanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 03:33 PM

"There actually is a Beach Carol, you know," Severn says to one of the Moors.

"Really? So, how does it go?"

"Oh Tanning Balm,
Oh Tanning Balm,
Make me less white
This Christmas......"

Gnu, who's from Canada says, "That's a Moor, eh?", and The Hairy Simian Chorale, thinking it's a request, strike up a lovely a cappella version of it. People start to waltz.....

A Viking wanders back in the tavern with a scowl on his face and a broken drinking horn. He begins eying the rhino.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 05:49 PM

The scowl climbs off the Viking's face, and goes to the tree to help th squidlets.

Joining the upset dwarf (making a small schowler, with only an associates degree) they move outside through the missing section of wall, complaining about the mess as they avoid the party of chori trying to clean up, or at least loft the debris outside.

Severn says "Not the first time I've seen a chorus loft."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 05:52 PM

100, says the wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 19 Dec 17 - 08:38 PM

"Not the first time I've seen a wall go AWOL either, Bruce", replies Severn......

It's nice to see the choir of apes pitch in to help clear away the rubble, all in the spirit of Christmas gibbon ......

Severn walks through the open space down to the Post Office letter box and mails a request to Santa to please put a new wall under the tree for Christmas or even sooner, hopefully with an instruction booklet on how to install it, as it's starting to get cold in here......

"Can't take a little cold weatherAaaaahhh, you're a bunch of Sissies", says DeFrosty, still searching for his magic top hat.....

Gnu takes a book off a shelf and says, "We may not have the new wall yet, but I DID find the instruction pamphlet! "
The choir immediately starts singing

"Rejoice, rejoice, a ma-a-anual....."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 02:45 AM

A knight enters, without making a sound. He is rather battered, and hit armor has several punctures.

The wombat screams " No! Not that!" As the chori break into song.

The rhino says " But all IS right."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 02:49 AM

The Hungry Tiger, seeking Baum, says "What IS the recipe for tender child?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:01 AM

"What errand are you on, Sir Knight?" Says the large shaggy dog. " Can I give you assistance? Perhaps carry you ?"

The lone Viking says " No! You cannot send a knight out on a dog like that!!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:11 AM

A small group of chori in the back start up singing " Grammar got run over by a reindeer"

Cries of "Send them back!" echo from where the Hungry Tiger is gnawing on the aurochs xylophone.

The chori, looking nervous, move back towards the missing wall.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:02 AM

Which collapses from the additional weight. The roof stays up and roofed, as the roofer, Ruth, intended.

"Oh kmy," he thinks. "Roofer Ruth roughly roofed the roof. I won't even mentally add on anything about The Babe or a talking dog."

At that point, a Newfoundland dog wangers in and asks, "Ruff? Ruff?"

"A talking dog! A genuine talking dog," shouts Bee-Dubwa-Ell from his perch in the rafters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:08 AM

The perch, who felt like a fish out of water, pushed Bee-Dubwa-Ell off, and, with a flip of his tail, joined the growing party in the jello pit.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:12 AM

We do not speak of the crawling things.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM

Nigel leans back against the bar drinking his Black Velvet, and surveying the surrounding chaos.
Turns to the next person at the bar and asks:
"Over there next to the wall, or at least, where the wall was, is that Fanny Green?"
"No," comes the reply, "It's the way the light reflects off the lime jello!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:25 AM

Which crawly things? In the jello pit everyone is swimming: At the bar most are beyond being able to crawl.

The Lawn Moor is just sitting outside, looking through the fallen wall.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:53 AM

Not only was the wall no more, but the earth shakes, and a rift opens down the middle of the room.
The knight closes his visor, adjusts his greaves, and empties his wallet into the rift.

"Aha" says the nearest pun-dit. "I recognise this trope. The knight is, er, um . . ."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:56 AM

giving the Devil his due.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:18 AM

". . . ah, that's it; dressed to kill, and generous to a fault!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Vic Smith
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:35 AM

A white horse walks into a bar.
"I think I'll have a whisky" says the horse.
"Which one would you like? We've got over twenty brands" says the barman.
"I dunno," says the horse. "Which would you recommend?"
"I'll tell you what.... I'll give you the one that is named after you." says the barman.
"What? Eric?" says the horse.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 10:37 AM

Donuel, who was not the hero in is own story, stood still speechless with pockets thoroughly picked, neck cricked and literally licked by a Republican In Name Only was heard to utter a diminutive "ow".

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 11:01 AM

"And its your turn to buy a round, Donuel!" said the dwarf scowler, fingering his axe...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 12:26 PM

Teresa Terrific, Chief Streak of STREAKER (Society to Reinstate Emancipated Anatomies Kavorting Ecstatically Raw), notices the downed wall on her nightly run. What the....?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 12:31 PM

The chori note TT passing by, and invite her in for a round or six.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Janie
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:06 PM

Well sure! Are all six on Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:11 PM

"Have you ever stepped into a water pipe
Down to the bottom of the water system
There you may find a little alligator
By the name of Alvin, if you do, he's mine
I lost him

I threw him down the water pipe
Down to the bottom of the water system
cuz he got too big for his britches
And now Im feeling lonely cuz hes gone
I miss him"

This brings tears to the bartender.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:15 PM

Donuel gets to cover the bill for the entire evening. He brought the rhino in, and it has been charging away.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:25 PM

A smilodon has joined the Hungry Tiger, and they are singing a soft refrain of "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"

The remaining two aurochs ( see 19 Dec 17 - 09:24 AM) edge towards the missing wall, looking to make a break.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 01:28 PM

The giant wombat moves to the center of the crowd, seeking some cover.

"I hate it when the felines start singing" muttered the alligator.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 03:24 PM

The choir, upon hearing the quest for somebody to set up drinks for the house, breaks into:

"Round, round, get a round
Who'll get a round?
Get a round, ooo-ooo,
Who'll get a round....

......Maybe it's the fact that somebody left the beach door wide open to get a little more heat in the place ...


The shaggy dog, who like all of his kind gets much more talkative as soon as he steps outside of a bar for some unexplainable reason, walks up to the Lawn Moor, who is singing a strange carol of some sort to himself:

"My kind of town, Chicago is.
My kind of doc, Zhivago is.
My kind of friend Iago is.....
NOT!......."

....and being quite impressed by his traditional music, he asks him, "Do you know the "Theme From Mondo Cane"?, but before he can turn around to answer, the choir, who DOES know it, sets out to prove it......

When that song is finished, the shaggy dog asks the man sitting on the lawn if he knows '"Mary Of The Wild Moor", and he just points to the name under the heart tattoo on his left arm, says "Long story.", hangs his head, breathes a heavy sigh and sheds a little tear. One keen-eared gibbon overhears, and the Hairy Simian Chorale starts singing it anyway.....

I'm sorry, my friend" said the shaggy dog. "I didn't mean to cause that. By the way, what's your name?"
"It's. Les." said the Moor. "What's. Yours?"
"It's Harry." replied the dog, "Actually, because I bit my master once to wake him up from a terrible hangover. "
"Hmmmm. Makes sense.".......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 08:11 PM

I'm good for the drinks, just ask Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 08:47 PM

A fin rises from the jello pit.

With a toothy grin, the lone shark offers easy terms.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 17 - 09:07 PM

A troupe of depressed but wonderfully bearded Irishfolk enter, calling for Redbreast 21. After being served they retire to the súgáns around the fire.

Interested, the man in the corner asks the nearest one where they were from.

"Trá Lí," the Irishman (named Seamus, not that it matters) replies. "We're here to commit suicide, though."

"Er, why?"

"Well, we're all from Trá Lí. Kerry, you know," Seamus said.

"Ah!" he exclaims. "I understand now! It's time for Hairy Kerry!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 12:18 AM

Severn, wondering how the Micks just added to the mix got here looks outside, and hearing a "Clang! Clang! Clang", he sees the Tra Li car pulling away, going back to the car barn to go out of service and be parked among the Rows of Trolley for the night......


Rap stands beside the Christmas tree, still searching for his hat, when the stiff breeze coming through the open wall brings a familiar looking feather floating past his head, and he looks up.....

The breeze blows DeFrosty's magic silk top hat down from its precarious perch near the top of the tree, and it falls pretty hard with a THUMP!, jarring loose a dozen rabbits from inside.
"That's funny", said the snowman, scratching his head (and giving it a rather lopsided effect as the flakes fly loose) "I only packed two of them with me when I left."....

Mrrzy's purse starts to fall off the tree, but the strap catches on a branch, it turns upsidedown and the contents spill on the floor.
"The secret's out!", cries Janie. "I'd have never guessed you carried one of THOSE in there!"....

Most of the pilfered items remain in the upper reaches of the tree. Over in a corner, Billy, Rock and some other squidlets are rolling on the floor with laughter......

Someone asks the Squid who the fellow with the single dorsal fin is.
"That's my shark therapist", says. Squiddy.
"Electro-Shark Therapy", grins the stranger, holding up an eel...

"How about you?", someone asks Mrs.Squid.
"Not me," she says shaking her head. "This is where we separate the eels from the Ellesmere!".....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 12:35 AM

"That's supposed to say "the eels from the elles"! screams Mrs.Squid. "Some idiot with auto-correct always spoils everything, including my joke!", and with that, a tentacles reaches out and slaps the Kindle out of Severn's hand. "Go misprint your OWN jokes, not mine", she snarls......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 03:44 AM

A man walks into a large country pub early one evening; at first he can find nobody to serve him until he hears noises coming from behind the bar. He peers over and sees a barman and barmaid making passionate love
Disgusted, he heads into the lounge where he finds the governor and another barmaid making 'The Beast With Two Backs' on the pool table
In a final attempt to get served, he goes into the restaurant area and sees the missus and a waiter following what is obviously the favourite local occupation on a table.
He storms out into the street, only to find two dogs locked together in the throes of copulation.
He pickes them up, carries them into the pub, plonks them on the counter and shouts; "Your sign's fallen down".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 05:39 AM

A knight enters, without making a sound.

I am pretty sure it could not have been Peter Knight then. He would have been heard making marvelous music. This strangely pulls 2 themes together

His long association with the folk-rockers had included a spell of
mid-Seventies moonlighting as a secret member of novelty pop group The Wombles — based on the children’s book and TV characters created by Elisabeth Beresford — who notched up a string of top 10 singles and albums.

This led to Knight appearing on Top of the Pops in the guise of Great Uncle Bulgaria alongside fellow Steeleye Span members Rick Kemp and Bob Johnson.

The Gnome falls off his stool as the cosmic consciousness of the tavern takes hold.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 06:39 AM

Would thes be Peter Knight before you go to bed?
Sorry - I'm lowering the tone of this serious discussion
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 07:54 AM

A knight enters, without making a sound. He is rather battered, and his armour has several punctures.

A little after him comes a rotund ex-snooker player, who made money appearing on 'Big Break' with Jim Davidson.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 08:00 AM

Promptly followed by Paul Simon singing one of his 1972 hits.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 08:26 AM

Bit subtle for me, Nigel. John Virgo was the snooker player. I think the only 2 Paul Simon hits of 1972 were 'Mother and Child reunion' and 'Me and Julio down by the school yard'. I cannot spot the connection but did discover that Mike Batt wrote the theme tune for Big Break. The Wombles strike again!

Just when I thought it was safe to get back on my stool...

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 08:41 AM

Sorry, Dave, I'm not usually that subtle.
I did comment on a rotund ex-snooker player, so you've got the right character, and the right Paul Simon number. Need to pun on the snooker player's name though.

And just remember they're following a knight who doesn't make a sound, and has 'punctured' armour.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 09:08 AM

Got it! Took me a while but I can now sleep in heavenly peace:-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 10:01 AM

Swinging upside down from the rafters, the wombless bat warbles solstice carols with the words changed to suit their, um, predilections... Merry Midwinter! What should I eat to turn my guano red and green? Where's the mistletoe? Or the mistlefinger?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 10:40 AM

A man walked in with a sandwich board proclaiming 'Christ was born in Bethehem'

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 12:59 PM

The Hungry Tiger says " Still no recipe for 'Holy infant so tender and mild' !

What are the smilodon and I supposed to have for the holidays?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 01:08 PM

Several Shaker shepherds enter with the second verse.

"Heavenly hosts sing All is luau!"


Pass the poi!

Severn mutters "Lets get the large felines a Poi-Boy sandwich, and get the Aurochs back into the Tavern"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 01:15 PM

"A knight enters"
She said "Sir Knight, I offer my honour"
He said, Fair maiden, I honour your offer
And all night he was offer and honour
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 01:52 PM

The chori start up with

" In a Tavern, near a banyon,
Estivating with a mime,
Was a diner, from a liner,
and his daughter, Melantine. "

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 02:01 PM

The Lawn Moor is sitting outside, leaning against the Banyon tree and eating a sandwich.

"Is there—is there balm in Gilead?"



"Must have been a Poe-boy" mutters Donuel

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 04:46 PM

This just in from Gilead.

The dogs and the demolition squad found nothing. It was all merely a false alarm, just a balm scare.

The visiting creature from Down Under exclaimed, "Damn! I always thought they were singing 'Remember You're A Wombat'......."

A stark, mad raven perches on a limb near Les the Lawn Moor and keeps repeating the word "Never" to him. Nevertheless, he doesn't seem to get the reference.....

Speaking of Poe references, they've assigned ushers to escort anyone entering the tavern where the wall used to be due to the partial fall of the house......


Drunken bats (none of them named Mike) have lured the poor frightened wombat up onto one of the rafters, supposedly to make his flying lessons easier.
"Don't worry, old pal, 'cause just in case, for safety's sake, we've stationed you right over the deep Jello Pit....."

Severn wants his hat from down off the Christmas tree and not trusting the bats, he decides to enlist the aid of one of the birds.
He yells, "HEY, DUCK!", and of course, everybody nearby does, which is just as well, because at that moment..........

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 05:20 PM

the wombat glided off the rafter, floated around amongst the bats enjoying the sensation of flying, then suddenly realised wombats can't fly ...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 05:52 PM

Of course they can.....they are wom-bats, aren't they?

It doesn't necessarily stand for "waste of money, brains and time" although that could be apt for some.

The wom-bat glided around gracefully among the rafters, watching the festivities beneath. Suddenly it felt a slight shaking and rumbling in its middle, and the first of its 100 daily cube-shaped poops went crashing down to the floor below.

Luckily none of the revellers was directly underneath, but oh - the consternation!

That wom-bat had been eating a bit too much green jello.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 07:35 PM

There's an old Australian stockman lying, dying
And he gets himself up onto one elbow and he turns to his mates
Who are all gathered around and he says

Watch me wallabies feed, mate
Watch me wallabies feed
They're a dangerous breed, mate
So watch me wallabies feed

Altogether now!
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down

Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl
Keep me cockatoo cool
Ah, don't go acting the fool, Curl
Just keep me cockatoo cool

Altogether now!
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down

'N' take me koala back, Jack
Take me koala back
He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac
So take me koala back

Altogether now!
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down

And mind me platypus duck, Bill
Mind me platypus duck
Ah, don't let 'im go running amok, Bill
Just mind me platypus duck

Altogether now!
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me brown wombat down

Play your didgeridoo, Blue
Play your didgeridoo
Ah, like, keep playin' 'til I shoot through, Blue
Play your didgeridoo

Altogether now!
Tie me white RINO down, sport
Tie me White RINO down
Tie me White RINO down, sport
Tie me White RINO down

Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred
Tan me hide when I'm dead
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde
And that's it hangin' on the shed!

Altogether now!
Tie me brown wombat down, sport
Tie me white RINO down
Tie me big squiddy down, sport
Tie me lime jello down?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 17 - 08:34 PM

"Gimme a belt of stars on ice, please," he says to the alligator.

"Stars?" the alligator asks.

"O, rye on the rocks."

The alligator becomes violently ill all over Severn. Quickly, the quiet gentleman Sev, clothes and all, into a washer and adds detergent.

"That'll do," he says quietly. "Where the Severn meets the Tide. Anna, pull us! It's a navel academy!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 12:21 AM

Actually, I have two of them and had to join the Navel Reserve....

After Severn goes through a wash cycle, a hunchback climbs down from the bell towerand asks at the bar, "Did I hear someone call for a ringer?".....

"Seizure later, alligator?" "No, I think I'm through being sick, thank you....." "Not your fault. That's.what happens when someone else writes your material ....."

A young fellow in a green Robin Hood outfit sitting on the highest rafter chuckles and says, "Those bats know from nothing as far as flight instruction. The real secret is this Pixie Dust. "Oh yeah? Says a bat. "Just watch THIS!", says Peter Pan as he swoops down to the bar and throws some Pixie Dust onto the rhino. Some of the dust gets in the rhino's eyes, and upon angrily jumping up from his stool, finds himself airborne. "Top THAT, you blind leather-winged sewer rats!......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 12:41 AM

"OK, which of youse bums threw dust in my face?", says the rhino, who, rub ing his eyes, is just beginning to realize that he's actually flying.
A soaking wet Severn points to Rap and says, "HE did!"........
Peter Pan breaths a sigh of relief.
A bat says, "What did you do that for? We're already down to three walls and a roof because of that guy....."
"Ruuff?", says the shaggy dog, who had wandered back into the tavern.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 10:08 AM

I was a bat, and they were a bat, in this tavern by the sea...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 10:26 AM

"For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the leather-winged bats that fly free;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the leather-winged bats that fly free; "

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 10:43 AM

"Speaking of Poe references",

Where's the toilets in this place?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 11:38 AM

Around the corner, past the kitchen.

Be careful, if you go too far you end up at the Time Portal.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 11:52 AM

"Severn, you can't expect Rap to be serious when he's been at the beetle-juice."


says Al, the former Baron of the Bronx.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 12:29 PM

I thought that was a POO reference.......

Alas, there's but one toilet, and there's often a long line because Liz The Squeak tends yo spend an inordinate amount of time there. I haven't seen Liz yet, which either means that she's in the loo or that she didn't make it this year. The squid used to have a mad crush on her, so now that there's jealous wife involved, she may not seem comfortable in the tavern anymore. Has anyone seen Liz?.....

Bruce, having had to have worn an alligator's lunch and then getting soaked to the skin taking a ride with an agitator that was almost as nasty as Rap himself,and then having to shoo away that hunchback, Semi-Modo, frankly, I don't. CARE........Let him face the wrath of a flying rhinoceros......

Of course, if the rhino finds out that Peter was really to blame, he might end up engaging in some "Dead Pan Humor".......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 01:55 PM

So, says the Gnome to the man with the sandwich board, how come your board says 'Bethehem'?

Easy, says the man. It is the first no el...

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 17 - 10:05 PM

Chuckling and quite satisfied with himself, he returns to his corner, clutching a flagon of Olde Forty Rod.

Olde Forty Rod: The whiskey that pounds your brain to mush.

And he shouts to the flying rhino, "Pete did it! Up there! With Tinkerbelle, his...ah...good friend!"

MMario, meanwhile, asks, "Why do people assume we only have four walls?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 04:12 AM

A young man applied for a job as a barman in a pub next to a day centre for the aurally and vocally disadvantaged
The guvnor explained that because of the number of customers from nect door he would have to learn basic sign language
They say all morning while the new barman learned all the signings for the different drinks
At opening time he made a nervous start, but very soon he found himself able to cope without hesitation
This went on right through till closing time, when he went into the bar to call "time".
He found all of the ciustomers standing aound or sitting, all silently swinging their hands up to shoulder height in rythm
Puzzles, he went into the loung - exactly the same - a room full of people all rhythmically swinging their arms
In a panic, he ran to find the govenor and explained what was happening
"****' - we'll never get them to go home now they've started to sing"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 05:22 AM

Nowt wrong with "Poe references" being linked to lavatoria. Up north when I were a lad the pot de nuit, or potty, or "guzunder" was quite frequently referred to as the "po."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 08:47 AM

Three walls and bars are good enough for some, including Donald Trump and his henchmen. Maybe too good for them.....


Bur Mmario is right. As many years as we have been chronicling events here in the tavern, we've mentioned many different features of the building, and I doubt that it would be box shaped. In fact, someone ought to go back through all the years of tavern threads and make a blueprint, except that it would probably be invalid by next year. Hell, Injustice added a bell tower complete with hunchback this year for the sake, of making a joke. We have a time tunnel and a direct tunnel, now sealed, leading into the Mudcat Recovery Ward. We have magical back doors, one permanently leading to a beach and others leading somewhere different every year, including The Yellow Brick Road, down which Liz The Squeak and her black cat once ventured. We have a barn and a stable

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 09:13 AM

I am *not* stable.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant warm bath for wallowing in Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 09:31 AM

.....although some of the horses can talk and.prefer the bar if they're going to be put up wet. We have A locker room, a lot of closets and still only one bathroom. There are entrances somewhere, but don't ask me where, big enough to have let in a giant caterpillar, a giant moth, a whale and other huge creature. There's an alley with an alley gate for the alligator to bring Cajun goodies to be cooked. There's no attic or basement, but I suppose it's just a matter of time. We've had holes in the roof that always get repaired somehow by the next gathering. I'm sure I missed a lot of stuff
before I came or was in a hospital or at Getaway.

So I'd think that the tavern has many walls and might look like it was designed by committee ......

Peter shouts, "No, it was Rap!" and he and Tinkerbelle disapear in a puff of smoke....

The rhino, not used to flight and rather drunk starts feeling a little airsick, but he's identified a target, he forgets everything else and puts himself into overdrive towards Rap. It will be interesting to count the number of walls left at the end of our visit.....

As well we know, DtG.......

Up above somewhere, it should read "I just" rather than "Injustice ". Goddamn auto-correct .....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 10:27 AM

All of the Moors except for Les don whiteface makeup and commence showing the folks AUTHENTIC Morris Dancing. Someone brings out a comfortable
Morris Chair out to Les, so he can watch comfortably .......

Rap runs for the door to the beach. The rhino crashes through the door, enlarging it slightly, and keeps on going forward, forgetting why, as is the custom of rhinoceroses, until it crashes into something big enough to stop it but not before getting airsick all over poor Rap, who had ducked. Severn and one of the gibbons,with towels over their hands, place him fully clothed into the washing machine.
"Your turn!" laughs Severn as he sets the dials.....

Mmario names a call in to the Coast Guard warning of a flying rhinoceros headed out to sea, but gets dismissed as a crank call. We are rid of the rhino, though, and we wish him a happy landing wherever he stops.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 11:58 AM

Giddy in the spin cycle, he sings: a Christmas ditty.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 12:30 PM

Coming out of the washing machine strangely refreshed, Rap joins the several chori over by the NNE wall, and look out the window at the Lawn Moor.

"Come on, fellows! Let's cheer him up" says Rap, leading the group out the sliding French door that leads to the patio under the banyon tree.

Looking inquiringly at Teresa Terrific, Rap starts with ( it being the most romantic song he knows)

"I hold your hand in mine, dear,
I press it to my lips.
I take a healthy bite
From your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir."



Continuing to leher, he then sings (accompanied by the assembled chori in 32 part harmony)

Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say "when."
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
"just the thing I need! how nice!"
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark the herald tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his wombats across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 12:35 PM

Kris comes in the door on the WNW wall, looking for the giant flying wombat.

"Time to get ready for Christmas Eve. Sandra should NEVER have given you time off at this time of year."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 12:55 PM

Shirley, you jest! She was the Temple-ate for all that os good. The Blues had a Johnnie Temple and so did the Cincinnatti Redlegs (spelled with a Y) and TV watching kids in Washington had Pick Temple, but she was the Temple at which America worshiped...

We're glad you survived the dryer, Raparee. We thought either you'd end up as Shrink Rap or would have to be given up for Lint......


Some time later
EXTRA:: This just in from CNN....
A Russian spy plane off the Atlantic Coast was downed by what appeared to be, from the radio signals just before it went down and confirmed by a US jet, monitoring the signal, a flying rhino....Details at eleven......

So much is going on, streaker Teresa Terrific, usually terrific at stopping terr-rafic, goes largely unnoticed. Severn offers to bring her his coat, and upon finding it gone and after a quick glance at the tree, hands her another one randomly picked from the much depleted coat rack. The squidlets are still at work. Teresa, sensing that there are too many strange peoole and critters around, wisely accepts. Severn says ti the alligator, "A hot drink of the lady's choice, please.....

Up above, the wombat finally seems to begetting the hand of flying, but with Peter Pan gone, there's nobody to ask how long the Pixie Dust will last. The Squidlets look up in envy.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 01:08 PM

Tipsy Teresa Terrific, who had 6 rounds with the chori earlier, wisely chooses a cup of coffee, black.

Belting the coat, after belting several of the lehering chori, she joins the group at the ENE window, watching the Russian parachutes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 01:20 PM

A squidlet comes over to the bar, and asks the bartender ( from a distance) if they can schedule a jello-pit cleaning.

"Some of the folks there have been in waaaaaay too long."

https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=blobfish&fr=yfp-t&imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgen%2F1326764%2Fthumbs%2F


"Hey! no bringing up the politicians! We keep them under the surface for a reason!" Screams the alligator, "They can only stay if they tell the truth, so we never hear anything from them."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 05:20 PM

There may have been a squid pro quo deal between the RINO and a virus.
Wind whistled through the tavern and noses began to jog and some had a hacking scoff. Way out here they have a name for wind and rain and fire. The rain is bruce, the fire's Joe and they call the wind leenia.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Dec 17 - 05:42 PM

Reverend Severn blessed the afflicted with horrible colds
from an infected chalice while some suspected the host
as predicted, convicted addicted moles arose from their holes
in search of their favorite fix, squid flavored lime jello on toast

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 12:16 AM

And I thought it bad when they revoked my Poetic Liscence for having too many meter violations......

Rap seems to have become Leher-ed of all he beholds.....

What's Moor, Donuel, the anchor is Wade and the sails, they are Seth (ALL of them, making up some sort of a Seth Pool) and they call a whim, Just That......

Still tipsy Teresa Terrific sheds the coat, and from a rafter, jumps on the back of the flying wombat, calling out, "Wheeee! Lady Godiva had nothing on THIS!"......
But the lady does not consider herself a good enough diver to attempt a jacknife into a crowded Jello Pit that by now has become funkier than a James Brown box set.....

As far as spreading around horrible colds, I spent 37 years working for the Postal Service as a clerk, but I NEVER was a carrier.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 03:46 AM

A trio of trolls comes in the WSW door ( the oversized one, not the 6 inch one with the key on the 2 foot table).

"We just came in for some Carroling" , the smallest one says.

"Keep the curtains closed , please."

Tipsy Teresa Terrific flies around on the giant wombat, missing the rafters but hitting a few kayaks and a canoe.

"Mushroom soufflé?" Asks Alice.

"That would be gniess." Says the largest troll , Sylvester. "Quartz, we'll take the left side 'shrooms', "

"I'll granite if you move back. You are rocking the jello pit" says Alice.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 07:57 AM

A Puerto Rican fok song drones on...
In DC, they have a name, for pain and whims and firings.
the pain is Jeff the firings Flynn and they call his whims Pariah
Pariah Pariah they call his whims Pariah.
Paper towels and...

Some tarps and duct tape brought some warmth back to the tavern along with discovering several crates of True Blood that kept the fireplace roaring.

One voice rose above in song; Violent night, holie knight,
all is bombed, by the right...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 08:03 AM

Well, says the wombless bat, if you're going there....
(Warbling)
An awful debility
A lessened utility
A loss of mobility
Is a strong possibility
In all probability
I'll lose my virility
And you your fertility
And desirability
And this liability
Of total sterility
Will leed to hostility
And a sense of... futility
So let's act with agility
While we still have facility
For we'll soon reach senility
And lose the ability!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 08:07 AM

Donuel looks and more like the blob fish.

He feels his throat contricting with every political comment.
The mob of moles is starting to move in his direction, and Kris pulls out a
Small blue notebook labeled 'Naughty' and asks "that's one 'n', right?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 08:11 AM

I'm sure someone owes me sick squid...

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 08:19 AM

Tipsy Teresa Terrific guides the wombat over Donuel, where the wombat drops a cube-shaped poop directly into the drink in front of him.

"That's your only warning shot. " shouts TTT. " We have standards around here, even for inside the Beltway folks."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 09:34 AM

The dropbear slowly moves over Donuel, preparing to perform its prime purpose.

Looks are exchanged among the crowd, but no-one is willing to warn Donuel.

" let him get his just reward, for ruining the tone of the discussion" is heard from the smilodon.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: MMario
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 09:51 AM

I have *MISSED* the Tavern...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 10:02 AM

Donuel produces a 50% off poop on, bruce laughs "its expired".

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 10:31 AM

It turns out that the leader of the newcomers is Carole, The Ancient Yuletide Troll, herself. She and her friends were living under the Francis Skate Key Bridge over the Potomac River until a bunch of goats from the Gruff family butted in and being indignant to indigents, had them thrown out, threatening to use them as bait while trolling for Rockfish. Carole and her friends Con and "Highway Pat" tired from seeking demeaning seasonal work as Mall Elves and Garden Gnomes*, they thought they might be able to score some free grub. They are still dressed in Swiss hats and Leiderhosen fresh from a low=paying Mall gig, posing as yodelers from the Troll-ean Alps. Mmario tells them that the choir is on break, so they can sing for their for awhole and then "Alp themselves". They start off with their signature Swiss version of "Deck The Halls" (sung earlier by some shantymen as "Haul The Decks"). Most people applaud, except for DtG, who has never liked their kind......

BREAKING NEWS FROM CNN.......
Both the Russian pilot and the rhino (with a chunk of the aircraft still hanging on his horn) were rescued alive from chilly Atlantic waters. Luckily, as is usually the case with pea-brained rhinos, why he was charging/flying and even where he started from was completely forgotten, keeping us from having to deal with the Endangered Species List folks.....

As for Teresa Terrific, she definitely deserves a high ranking on the Engendered Species List....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 01:51 PM

One of the squidlets goes over to DtG.
"You've been looking for me? " it coughs.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 24 Dec 17 - 04:23 PM

It's now 8.30 A.M. on Christmas morning, so the giant wombat has settled down to open presents, eat green jello and consume the odd drop of alcohol or two.

"Just what I wanted!" exclaims the giant wombat, opening a gift which seems to go on and on forever.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 05:54 AM

Teresa Terrific opens her stocking to find a lump of carbon. (Nicely cut, a soft pink)

Rap comments " looks like about 3 carats. In a Tiffany setting, no less!"

"Ok, ok. I LIKE mature men with beards." She says.

The chori start up again, with "Santa Baby" as TT blushes to match her present.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 05:59 AM

The giant flying wombat has finished his appointed tasks, and returns to the Tavern.
"Off til next year! Let's get the party started."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 06:05 AM

"Eggnog French toast and mimosa's, over by the fireplace" announces the alligator, setting up the large coffee urn on the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 06:10 AM

The bowl of highly spiced fried pork rind is almost gone.
"Hey, we're almost out of seasoned greasings!" Says the wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 09:12 AM

Who's in charge in the kitchen?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: MMario
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 09:49 AM

No one is in charge of the kitchen; it's a free for all zone in there.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 10:01 AM

At least the mole of mobs are staying outside...

Hot whisky, barkeep!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 06:37 PM

Donuel's predicted, convicted addicted moles are hanging around, waiting for further political comments to chew on.

Teresa Terrific, no longer tipsy, hands a large mug of enhanced eggnog to the giant wombat, saying " you must be ready for a rest, after that long night of work."
The wombat relies " The flying is not bad, but those landings can be a problem."


"There are no problems; Only opportunities to excel. " says an MBA who snuck in with the moles and other vermin.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 07:32 PM

"Is there a doctor in the house? We need to have a bunch of moles "surgically removed" from the premises............"

It's good to see the MBA, as I thought was stuck forever 'neath the streets of Boston, which id probably where he met the moles....

Mmario, somebody writes you in each year as an ongoing charcter, so it's like you've never been gone. Nothing bad ever happens to you in the kitchen, though you're always safe from whatever might fall on us folks out on the floor....

"Troll la la la la, la la la la....." The new trio is still at it. Not too bad, actually.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 07:43 PM

That was MTA, Severn.

No need to remove those moles. Other than some lime jello,which we have lots of, and political commentators, who we banish to the bottom of the jello pit, they ( the moles) don't eat much, and Les, the Lawn Moor has stated he can share the lawn with them.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 07:53 PM

And Teresa Terrific thnks the moles are kind of cute, if a bit near-sighted. "Sometimes I think they are the only ones not staring at me. " she says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 08:47 PM

Passed out over his Christmas 151 proof rum and nothing, he doesn't stare at anyone or anything. However, being eternally wary, his heightened senses sensing everything, he dozes with a hand on a dagger inside his doublet. Inside his force field of silence, all is calm and given the lighting and lightning, all is also bright.

He stirs.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 09:33 PM

198? Really?

Back to the drama.

Maybe I'll get caught up during the week.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 11:55 PM

Teresa Terrific says to Rap "Is that a dagger in your doublet, or are you just glad to see me?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 25 Dec 17 - 11:57 PM

"201 !" Says the giant wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:27 AM

"Hey Rap, that should be shaken, not stirred!" Sir James says. " How many times do I have to tell you?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:31 AM

Teresa Terrific laughingly says "Good to see you boys Bonding."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:33 AM

And Severn says "My puns aren't bad, just misunderstood."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 12:35 AM

TT says " Well, they can stop standing under me!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:05 AM

Ahah! The pot sickens ( having been left off the flame for too long). I just noticed this from last year- How many years has the giant wombat been coming here, before performing his sleigh-pulling duties ? And is it the Same giant wombat each year?

Or do they take turns?

"Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2016n
From: Sandra in Sydney - PM
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 05:28 AM

sandra saunters in, having left a giant wombat in the stable where it started eating the straw in the stall where an unfazed Ebbie placed it.

Giant wombats are herbivores, allegedly extinct 25,000 years ago & they certainly don't belong to people (maybe people belong to giant wombats??) Maybe JennieG will sort out the situation when she gets back.

sandra places an order for hot spiced orange juice and a chicken sandwich & looks around ..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:09 AM

The Tavern librarian , a handsome orange-otang, takes it upon himself to start an inquiry. He sidles over to Sandra to ask a few questions.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:12 AM

There's probably a stable of giant wombats especially bred for tavern duties......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 01:18 AM

"Outside of a giant wombat, a book is your best friend.





Inside of a giant wombat, it's too dark to read." Says the librarian.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:07 AM

Maybe no one gnu but it is unwise to feed Oxy to moles and trolls.

By golly those bossy Nazi moles on oxy-poppy are cocky zombie Nazis.

An Aussie autopsy by a glossy saucy paparazzi story showed frosty bodies in oxy saki sauce E-mails.

Rightie's hobbies to lobby for oxy coffee and toffee is kovfefe since oxy is deadly for alkies.


I'll get me Taxi.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 11:04 AM

Uber the top, Donuel!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 11:07 AM

I think Donuel has had a bit too much of the Tavern Brew.


But at least he is awake ( I think) and commenting!


Teresa Terrific looks around, and says "Where is everybody?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 04:51 PM

As darkness falls, the tavern is almost empty. Only the assorted chori, the wombat, and the oversized felines remain to keep Teresa Terrific company, with Rap, Donuel, Severn and beardedbruce dozing off at the bar. The alligator looks at his watch ( with the dodo leather watchband) and thinks about the end of his shift.

The door on the SWS side opens, and in comes

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 05:17 PM

a moderate crowd, bringing a birthday cake with 69 + 1 candles.

"Someone here by the name of 'Severn'? This might be early, but we wanted to get it out- that many candles is a fire hazard." says the baker.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 05:19 PM

Teresa Terrific says " Drinks on me!" as the chori line up bodyshots.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 06:49 PM

Reverend Severn in full Regalia, jeans T shirt and coat, slowly and deliberately offered personal amnesty and blessings to each and every survivor of the weekend still immobile and hung over.
"Eternum forgottenae olde acquaitensea" When all the virtual animals harmed were blessed and living non lifeforms interred in the pit, Severn slowly withdrew while on the phone "whaduya mean the station went dead?"

Camera zooms in on what could be a flickering time distortion nexus as a kovfefe worm wriggles into view...fade to white.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 08:46 PM

Deep in his cups, he sings soundlessly. His dagger falls from his doublet and sticks point-first in the puncheon floor. The ruby in its pommel, particularily pertinent for pummeling poor pumas, glints in the firelight.

In the darkness outside, a Wyrm approaches.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:04 PM

A wealthy puma sneaks in, and snags the ruby from the puma pummeling pommel. He takes it over to the dwarf scowler, who is talking to the Orange-atang librarian.

"Does this have any value, having been pried from a heathen idol's eye, given to the Church and used by a Cardinal of dubious virtue, and 'obtained' by Rap on a trip he does not talk about?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 17 - 09:10 PM

She pulled the dagger from the floor and placed it to her lips as to say "shh". Rap lookd up and saw it was her, the Dame of Groans.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:11 AM

Licking her lips, a small, perfect drop of blood appears on the damascened steel blade.

"Hey, watch that! I don't want it to rust." Rap says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:14 AM

Without the protective power of the puma pummeling pommel ruby, Rap finds himself drawn ( poorly, with a no. 2 pencil) to her eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 07:26 AM

---------technical digression:

Wootz steel originated in India. There are several ancient Tamil, Telugu, Greek, Chinese and Roman literary references to high carbon Indian steel since the time of Alexander's India campaign. The crucible steel production process started in the 6th century BC, at production sites of Kodumanal in Tamil Nadu, Golconda in Telangana, Karnataka and Sri Lanka and exported globally; the Tamils of the Chera Dynasty producing what was termed the finest steel in the world, i.e. Seric Iron to the Romans, Egyptians, Chinese and Arabs by 500 BC.

A 200 BC Tamil trade guild in Tissamaharama, in the South East of Sri Lanka, brought with them some of the oldest iron and steel artifacts and production processes to the island from the classical period. The Arabs introduced the South Indian/Sri Lankan wootz steel to Damascus, where an industry developed for making weapons of this steel. The 12th century Arab traveler Edrisi mentioned the "Hinduwani" or Indian steel as the best in the world.

Wootz is characterized by a pattern caused by bands of clustered Fe
3C particles made of microsegregation of low levels of carbide-forming elements. The presence of cementite nanowires, and carbon nanotubes has been identified by Peter Paufler of TU Dresden in the microstructure of wootz steel. There is a possibility of an abundance of ultrahard metallic carbides in the steel matrix precipitating out in bands. Wootz swords, especially Damascus blades, were renowned for their sharpness and toughness.

------------------------------end of digression

Rap shakes off the rising hypnotic effect, and grabs for his highly prized dagger.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 09:15 AM

...and learns that one does not grab a dagger, highly prized or otherwise.

He sinks back in his bench and opens a band-aid (sticking plaster) for his fingers.

Then, the flow of blood staunched, he reaches to his left and draws his rapier (actually a colichemarde) and his pistol (a Queen Anne style, in flint). The pistol is, of course, unloaded, as he doesn't wish to hurt anyone. The sword, however, is good, honest steel.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 09:44 AM

Drawing on a pair of Kevlar gloves, beardedbruce dis-daggers the Dame.

"No need for (more) bloodshed" he says to Rap.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 04:36 PM

The birthday is actually on the 30th, but we can celebrate as many times as you want to.

Severn looks at the cake, and blowing all 69 candles....

("How did you do that, Severn?" asked gnu?
"The answer is, blowing out the wind", he replies.
The Chorus starts in to singing:

"Sing choirs of gibbons,
Sing by exhalation....")

...."Now have at it, folks and drink up, as well, I can't. I'm diabetic" as he stares down at his can of Zevia Ginger Ale and sighs......

"Why's the cake so big?" asks Donuel.
"Besides needing space for 69 candles, it turns out that I couldn't persuade Sandra, Mrrzy or Acme to jump out of it., said the baker.
"Not for ANY amount of money would I go inside a cake" says Acme. "Bakers can't be choosers, you know."
"Now you tell me" says Teresa. "I could use the money."
"Where would you PUT it?" asks Mrrzy.


"No need any more for the blood shed?" calls out a Red Cross volunteer. "Does that mean we can lock it up and go home?"
"The week is young yet" says Bruce. "Check out over by where Rap is."
Some of the bats are eying the blood shed. "I dodn't think we HAD any vampires up in the belfry" whispered Severn to gnu.
"Maybe they're relatives visiting for the holidays" replies gnu.



Having been declared as "misunderstood", Severn asks Teresa Terrific if she wants to be Queen of the Miss Understood Pageant.
"I'd take it, you'd want me to be "understanding" the mistletoe over there where it "oversits"?......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 05:31 PM

Why does steel never admit to its crimes?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 27 Dec 17 - 11:56 PM

The Wyrm knocks on the Northern door.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 09:27 AM

"Hey! Is anyone here? I've been dragin' all day, and could use a pick-me-up." the Wyrm says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:17 AM

Is it blue? Without Yule, I am blue and drag on.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:46 AM

Why yes! It IS a Blue Wyrm.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 11:53 AM

Is it by any chance the Lambton Worm? In which case, wheesht lads, haad yer gobs...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:01 PM

No, I think it is a kindler, gentler Wrym. Though it may well drink milk- Wryms do have to worry about ulcers from all those hot knights.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:07 PM

And I would think the Lambton worm would be more likely to frequent

http://sonnet43pubs.com/the-lambton-worm/


If he were to be at the Tavern, I would expect it to be as an invited guest, and come with others.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:39 PM

Ah, I've got it.... it's a Thread Worm!!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:40 PM

Are there any hot knights around here in the tavern please? I'd quite like one...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:40 PM

The Oily Boid, freshly rescued from a pipeline spill, takes one look at the size of the wyrm, turns around and heads back to its home to go back to sleep.....


The alligator brings the wyrm a bottle of Mescal and and a straw, supposedly so it can free a relative at the bottom of the bottle.....



The gibbon MC of the Hairy Simian Chorale steps up to the mic and proclaims "Alright, everybody, we've got a special guest. Please give a worm welcome to our old friend LAILY"!
After a round of applause and a long pull at the straw, Laily is backed by the group on a version of the old Percy Sledge hit, "Wyrm And Tender Love". More applause, after which he heads for the Serpent's Quarters.....

Teresa Terrific explains to Severn, "So far in my short sweet life, I've been crowned Miss Judgement by a judiciary committee, Miss Calculation by the Society For Mathematics Professors, Miss Direction for Google Maps and a whole lot more. I've won the Miss Alaneous crown for five years straight. I have no more room on my mantle piece. for any more trophies. You say you're 69 years old and have no money, so are YOU to be considered a trophy?"
Hell, a lot of the time, they even leave out the letter space between the "a" and the "t", but I'm a good man for all that...."
"Usually, if I wanted to leave with something somewhat battered and crispy, I'd be talking about carryout chicken or fish, but step over here for a well deserved birthday present. Don't get any ideas, because, believe it of not, I'n still a virgin......
Severn thinks that whether she's a revised stranded virgin or under the protection of King James, she's still Good News For Modern Man......

The wealthy Puma turns out to be a relative of Xavier Cougar & Abbey Lion frim the Big Banned Days.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 12:56 PM

A random bat drops red-and-green things on Eliza parcequ'elle, la chauve-souris, l'adore! Also drinks are sent over. Several.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 01:24 PM

La vieille Eliza attrape la chauve-souris avec enorme plaisir et un gros bisou.

Those dreaded Siamese cats are singing to the giant wombat, who is hurriedly inserting earplugs.

The Worm slowly advances (it's actually a sloe worm) and hisses, but the Siamese cats are not at all afraid.

Clutching a toasted crumpet dripping with butter, the old lady sips her Old Speckled hen ale and starts to dance the mapouka.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 07:17 PM

Over in the corner he crawls the walls in his sleep. Like Spiderman, he's a pretty good wall-crawler and is soon up among the bats.

"Batty," says Sev. "Better batty. Bitter, but better batty."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 07:31 PM

Red and green things?

Sounds like ristras of chile peppers from New Mexico.
Is this a Mexican fruitbat??

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Dec 17 - 10:05 PM

The vampire bats, just off from their day jobs at the phlebotomy department, Rush over to checkout Raps still bloody fingers. "Good to see the kitchen is still open . " one mutters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 02:08 AM

The Siamese cats hiss at the wyrm and start singing ("if you can call it that", grumbles the wombat):

"Slime little sloe wyrm, slimmer, slimmer...."

The wombat grabs both of the cats, ties their tails together in a triple knot, swings them around by their joined tails over his head a few times and finally lets fly with them as hard as he can. With a horrible shriek (though actually more on key than their singing), they fly out the open doorway to the beach, which had been somewhat enlarged by the departing rhino, and way out over the ocean so far that we can't even hear the splash.

After a long and lingering pre-, birthday kiss from Teresa that he'd been hoping would last clear into his birthday, Severn is grinning from ear to ear.
"Thank you, O kind and beautiful lady" he tells her. "I've always maintained that every kiss tells a story, though some, alas, can be expressed in a single punctuation mark, but if you ever want to collaborate on creating the Great American Novel, I'm game, and always in season."
"Let's. Just leave it as a very sweet memory" she replied. Unnoticed, she pulls down the mistletoe and disposes it in a nearby receptacle. "That was actually enjoyable enough," she thinks, "but if I leave that stuff hanging, all those guys will suddenly be claiming. birthdays., and all that sudden aging gets old real fast...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 02:56 AM

Well, says the Gnome, that just goes to prove you CAN swing a cat in here...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 03:30 AM

A strange, distant sound is heard, which is getting ever louder. It resembles a thousand air-raid sirens. Over the horizon appears a gigantic cruise ship, several decks high, and along each rail stand hundreds of Siamese cats, singing at the tops of their voices. Clutching their now-unknotted but rather sore tails, the two loudest stand at the prow, glaring landward...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 07:49 AM

Looking at the wombat, Rap notices "He has no way to tie knots!"

Tech aside:
----------------------------------------------------------
Diprotodon superficially resembled a rhinoceros without a horn. Its feet turned inwards like a wombat’s, giving it a pigeon-toed appearance. It had strong claws on the front feet and its pouch opening faced backwards. Footprints of its feet have been found showing a covering of hair which indicates it had a coat similar to a modern wombat.
------------------------------------------------------------

"without opposable thumbs, the Giant Wombat COULD NOT have tied a triple knot. "Someone is providing a false trail!"



Thousands of angry Siamese cats approach the enlarged and uncloseable beach door...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:09 AM

Fly away! Fly away!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:13 AM

The Siamese cats come in, and the two in front start towards Severn.

Soon, he is hip-deep in angry cat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:23 AM

Fortunately, a gentle, smiling African chap arrives. He knows the Magic Word and immediately utters it. "Cheeeken!" The entire army of cats subsides. Severn heaves a sigh of relief and attends to the claw-marks on his bottom. Munching on roast poultry, the Siamese smile benignly and even stop singing for a while.
The old lady has become rather tired from performing the Mapouka dance, and orders another Old Speckled Hen ale from the bar. The African chap opens a plastic lunchbox and eats his Spicy Horror dinner.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 08:31 AM

(Thanks, Senoufou!)

The Wyrm starts up a conversation with the gentle, smiling African chap. " Magic words are of great interest to me: Care to have a private discussion over in one of the 16 corners?" says the Wyrm, eyes brightening with the thought of further learning.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 09:09 AM

Severn slinks silently over to the bar, and downs a ( sugar-free, non-alcoholic ) double. "No more grabbing cats for me!" he sighs.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 09:16 AM

The Gnome leaves the bar, only to re-enter 30 seconds later and approach the bar tender.

"Was you just in here?" Asks the bar keep

"No" replies the Gnome.

"Then you must have a double!"

"OK, thanks, make it Glen Morangie..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 09:26 AM

The Wyrm and the African chap retire to a corner and are heard giggling together while exclaiming "Abracadabra!" and "Shezzam!"
.
The Old Lady sits down beside the delightful Bat for a nice chat.

Suddenly, the sound of melodeons and jingling bells is heard. Down the gangplank of the cruise ship march dozens and dozens of MORRIS DANCERS of all types: Border, Cotswold, North West Clog, Rappers, Molly.
The old lady peers dubiously into her glass, wondering if her drink has been spiked...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 05:05 PM

Give the old lady some Lee-weigh...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 06:55 PM

Now attached ninja-like to the ceiling (where there IS a ceiling), he thinks, "WATER BALLOONS!!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Dec 17 - 07:12 PM

Rapparee, rigidly holding onto the roof rafters that Ruth had repaired, regards the swarm of chicken- eating Siamese felines.

And he says:

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 02:31 AM

Severn displays his best open mic charm, and soon has the boatload of off key felines yowling along in one big Cat-caphony to:

"And the cats came back
The very next day,
Yes, the cats came back
And they thought that we were goners,
But we wouldn't stay away.....

....and making up new verses.


A lot of these pairs of Siamese cats were the real article. Two heads, two tails, four legs and joined together at the hip.

Severn, who doesn't play an instrument, had grabbed a guitar and was flailing away, because it all wasn't really even close enough for Folk Music anyway. He motions to gnu and whispers in his ear and old battered classical guitars were passed around to whoever wanted them, everybody banging away as violently as possible until strings start breaking right and left. meanwhile, at gnu's instructions, Sandre and Mrrzy roll out a hamper of ill-used, battered tennis and badminton rackets. Mmario brings out a plastic tub of carving utensils from the kitchen...
Sandra declares over a bullhorn that our first New Year's Resolution is to make repairs on all this stuff and get down to some serious restringing, passing out knives to humans and gibbons.
The cats get the hint and start running for the door to the beach which brings them right underneath Rap's water balloons in the rafters.

When they get underneath the rafters where Rap and a host of bats are at the ready, Rap says.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 04:17 AM

The smilodon and the Hungry Tiger silently move behind Severn, with fire in there eyes.:

From the rafters comes the call of "plastic, not catgut."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 04:35 AM

The old lady, who is laughing her head off (probably too much ale she tells herself) winks meaningfully at the nice African chap, and they both stand up, collect the Siamese herd and head for the cruise ship. On leaving the tavern, she asks politely to borrow a plastic bucket. (Sea travel is not her forte, especially when awash with ale)
The massed Morris dancers whirl ever faster, form a dust cloud and vanish into thin air.
Blowing kisses to all the Tavern customers, arms linked the couple board the ship. The Siamese horrors miaow cheekily from the decks as the liner heads off across the ocean...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 07:51 AM

...Rap says, If I were a bat I wouldn't need them water balloons!

Subject: RE: BS: giant wyrm bait has wandered into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 11:37 AM

SenoufouNo further cats were harmed. It was just a ruse to get them back to sea on their catamaran. The tiger is more than happy with that. The sound of a female Siamese cat can only be matched by the cry of pea fowl for approximating a human being tortured and screaming bloody murder. Plus all those cats tend to scare away the ever-increasing rabbit population spawned from DeFrosty's magic hat, the elimination of which interests him far more......

The choir, back onstage and watching all the rabbits run by, strike up a medley of "Here Comes Peter Cottontail" and the Rap version, "Hear Cums Peter, Caught In Tail (Hip Hop Mix)".....
"Isn't it a little early for the Easter stuff?"asks senoufou......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 12:00 PM

A Welch rabbit joins the crowd. " No cheesy jokes!" he exclaims.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 05:24 PM

A Welch rabbit???

I hope he pays his debts first.


:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 17 - 11:21 PM

He can afford to, living in the lop of luxury. His "hares apparent" should have a 24 carrot guarantee on their future.....

As long as they behave themselves, no "Nair-Do-Well"with any sort of Hare Removalsolution will bother them .....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 11:20 AM

The Welch rabbit, as purple as his namesake beverage, is of course of royal blood.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 03:10 PM

If only it *were* a rare bit...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 03:15 PM

Any bits you wish to make rare will be respected Mrrzy:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 07:38 PM

Far above, he opens his pouch and pulls out six -- count them, SIX! -- balloons of various colo(u)rs. They flop in his hands as if they were full of water or worse.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 12:11 AM

As midnight passes, the giant wombat wishes all a "Happy New Year!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 11:08 AM

,, and there arr other lovely Mudcat ladiesSemimodo, the hunchback in the bell tower, has eagerly awaiting his Big Moment all year, and he doesn't let us down. He hasthe big cathedral bell, a few smaller church bells and a set of tuned small bells, as well. He plays the correct melody for Auld Lang Sine in a medley with the others, and then goes into some jazz improvisations of Caol of the Bells for some ten minutes or so. He ends up his set with a lovely version of "The Bells Of St. Mary's I'm glad the tavern's in an isolated spot without any nearby neighbors, because all this must've taken some serious practice. I checked whip shopping this year, and as of yet, there are no stealth bells on the market ....

The mistletoe is back up, and there are some lovely. Mudcat ladies besides Teresa Terrific to slow dance with after Semimodo has put us through the ringer....

The tip jar for. Mmario, the alligator and Dishpan Hans, the German kitchen helper borrowed from the Mudcst Recovery Ward. (Don't worry, we'd never borrow any of their cooks......

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 11:19 AM

"the hunchback in the bell tower,"
A group of tourists visiting Notre Dame in Paris were being taken around the bell tower by a guide when a hunch-backed man ran in, walked over to the giant bell and head-butted it
Despite its massive size, the bell swung up on its pivot then back down again, hitting the hunchback full in the face, and sending him staggering across the tower, over the parapet and down into the street below.
"Who on earth was that?" asked one of the tourists
"I don't know", replied the guide, "but his face rings a bell"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: David Carter (UK)
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 02:40 PM

Amazed to find this thread still going. I find myself, to my bemusement, half agreeing with beardedbruce. A Diprotodon was not a giant wombat. It was as closely related to wombats as kangaroos are. Modern consensus is that vombatidae diverged from diprotodontotidae around 30 million years ago. There were giant wombats, they are called things like Phascolonus and Ramasayia. Or would have been if they were still around. Sorry to be a pedant. And I have no idea what a Phascolonus would say if it walked into a tavern. If it ever would, I very rarely hear the word "tavern" when I am in Australia. Pub, or Hotel, yes. So it might ask if there was a room available. It might be disappointed though, as hotels in Australia do not always offer accommodation.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 03:34 PM

And he lobs one towards the jello pit....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 03:46 PM

Up jumps the Lone Shark, who swallows the object Rap threw.

" he seems to have eaten it with great interest." Say one of the non-wombats.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 04:59 PM

jump that shark bruce.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 07:37 PM

you're right, David Carter, they are mistaking my friendly banjo loving Giant Wombat for his prehistoric & much older cousin

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 10:17 PM

And the Lone Shark spits it right back up. Squiddy and the little ones bat it around for a bit, and eventually it lands on one of the smilodon's bicuspids. The mighty jaws close on the object, and high above the fray he grins sardonically.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: David Carter (UK)
Date: 02 Jan 18 - 07:21 AM

I realize I am wrong about the word Tavern in Australia, the Bayview in Gladesville used to be called the Bayview Tavern. I should have remembered that, I used to go there to see INXS, who were sort of a house band, before they became megastars.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 18 - 07:53 AM

I would't ask that lone shark for money. See the loan arranger instead.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 18 - 11:09 AM

The wombless bat starts to think about estivating... looking for a good table to hang myself upside down under. Not that we're down under, or even down east, here. Up with which shot I will not put.

Wake me if I'm going to miss anything, but if you do, feed me, see more glass.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 18 - 07:41 PM

A homophone walked into a bar and got brews duh.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 03 Jan 18 - 12:44 PM

About wombats being able to fly, apparently the phenomenon has been observed by the always reliable Peter Stampfel, a clear head if there ever was one, and later endorsed by this song having been recorded by Dave Van Ronk, as occurring around someplace in the American West called Random Canyon:

"Take me back to Random Canyon where the gryphon's always riffin',
And the unicorn gets horny in the spring.
Where the crystal coyote calls over sleepy garden walls,
And the wireless wombat wanders on the wing,
And the wireless wombat wanders on the wing......"


Who could doubt the likes of those two?......

A truck from a local contractor with Seth Poole & Co. painted on the side pulls to perform the scheduled maintenance and cleaning of the Jello Pit and reports in to Mmario and the alligator, who handle the till, ('til someone tells them otherwise).
Don't you folks EVER go home? We've got work we're s'posed to do, and this year, it looks like more than usual to set this place right. The good news is that we DO do walls, you all, and we just happen to be having a sale. I thought we'd be having to take on extra help, but some guy named Les asked for a job, and we took him on. There's a second truck coming in that will have a load of Army Surplus survival food.......

(Mmario shudders and makes the sign if the cross with his two index fingers)

.....for ol' Semi-modo up in the bell tower. Once you all 'ceptin' him and the Squid family are oughtta here, it should take about a week or so, and they get to have a beach vacation......Just sign here...."

The pen won't write....

"Mrs. Squid! Billy! One of you all please get over here for a second, as I need some ink".....

Most of the guys at one time or other have offered to give Teresa Terrific a ride home, but she said she'd rather jog.
"What's that out in the beach?" she cries in alarm, and while everyone checks it out, she zips on out of the door and is gone before anyone can try to follow her home.....

The ride home applies to anybody who didn't show up from Down Under", says Severn. It turns out that everyune was covered, excepting Teresa, who'd seemed to prefer it that way. Maybe some year, she'll become a re-nude aquaintence.....

The tree is bare, Mama squid having gotten her mischievous offspring to un-decorate and redistribute items to their owners. There's very little for the Lost & Found this year, the most interesting thing being some huge glasses with lenses as thick as TWO Cike bottles that must've belonged to the rhino....

Having bid all a farewell, Severn leaves before somebody tries to outbid him.
"And to think I had to turn around and come back a second time after first finding the place empty", he muses to himself. ....
And they heard him exclaim as he drive out of sight,

LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Jan 18 - 04:18 PM

Beardedbruce comes out of the SWW study and looks around, sighs, and joins the alley gator at the bar, helping to polish the glasses.

"I guess there is nothing to do until twelth night." He mutters.

The bats join him in setting up a samavar of tea, and bringing out a tray of baked goods from the pastry kitchen.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Jan 18 - 05:10 PM

A small group of normal sized wombats wander in the SSW door, and join the nonwombats for a late tea.

One of the wombats, named Walter, looks at the sleeping giant wombat, and mutters "No getting him up until Easter: the holiday job really takes it out of him."

Another wombat, who goes by the name of Winfred, raise a teacup and offers a toast, " May all of us dream of heart's desire, and wake to a bright dawn."

"Amen." Rises out of the loft, where several chori are assembling themselves to help sweep up and get ready for the next day.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Jan 18 - 07:02 PM

Technical note:

The Tavern, like Arizona, is it's own time zone, only loosely related to the mundane world.

The Tavern never closes, although everyone may leave on rare occasions.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Jan 18 - 07:04 PM

is there such a thing as
non-wombatants?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 12:30 AM

Hors de combat = camp followers? Where did I read that?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 08:36 AM

Putting the cherry preserves next to the glass teacups, beardedbruce asks the standard size wombats if they need a pouch lunch.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 01:57 PM

Severn, having left before 12th Night to do his monthly Friday 8-10 am shift on the "Ballads In The Morning" on WOWD-LP Community Radio 94.3 FM from Takoma Park MD, once again has fantasies as he drives home of being able to do a live remote broadcast from the tavern. If radio is truly the Medium of Imagination, we could all ride roughshod over the airwaves and take them by storm......(Sigh!)

But if anyone is streaming me at takomaradio.org I'll give a shout out on-air to all still lurking within the tavern. Even without a have to be better off in there than around here. As WC Fields repeatedly exclaimed throughout "The fatal Glass Of Beer",

"'Tain't a fit night out for man nor beast!"


.....Even in broad daylight.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 02:12 PM

Severn has Jean Shepard in his blood and his jeans are expressing themselves out loud.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 11:54 PM

Is it too early to have an epiphany?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 05:25 AM

You can have whatever kind of phany you would like.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 10:38 AM

I have an epiphone I can loan you. not much good for long-distance calls, though.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 11:57 AM

Jean Shepard the writer, I assume, which would be nice, as I was a fan of his writings. That's opposed to the blond female Honky Tonk Country singer who was popular in the 1950s-1960s, not that she's a Shepard I shall nor would not want to listen to is the right situations, either.

Enjoy having your e-piphanies, even at breakfast at Tiffany's ad they happen. They are where you find them.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 12:42 PM

History note: ------------------------------------------------------

Epiphone began in 1873, in Smyrna, Ottoman Empire (now Izmir, Turkey), where Greek founder Anastasios Stathopoulos made his own fiddles and lutes (oud, laouto). Stathopoulo moved to the United States in 1903 and continued to make his original instruments, as well as mandolins, from Long Island City in Queens, New York. Anastasios died in 1915, and his son, Epaminondas ("Epi"), took over. After two years, the company became known as The House of Stathopoulo. Just after the end of World War I, the company started to make banjos. The company produced its recording line of banjos in 1924 and, four years later, took on the name of the Epiphone Banjo Company. It produced its first guitars in 1928. After Epi died in 1943, control of the company went to his brothers, Orphie and Frixo. In 1951, a four-month-long strike forced a relocation of Epiphone from New York City to Philadelphia. In 1957 the company was acquired by CMI who also owned Gibson, Lowrey, Selmer and others.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have more EKO instruments than Epiphones, but I have not yet figured out what a ekophany would be like ( a kakophony?)

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 12:44 PM

The wombats help put out a large cask of spiced, heated cider, in preperation for the chilled visiters from the East Coast, US.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 01:51 PM

And a giant crumpet-toasting machine arrives, together with half a ton of Irish butter, courtesy of the Old Lady, for the poor, frozen folk.
Hot buttered crumpets will soon warm them up.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Jan 18 - 09:13 PM

Hot buttered strumpets? Or just hot trumpets?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 03:01 AM

All of those Rap. They all have 'warming' properties!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 09:17 AM

"Geep," whuppled the parrot.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 10:00 AM

Whuppled ?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 11:43 AM

Ha! 'The Thirteen Clocks'! (I'll squk his thrug')

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 01:29 PM

Pourquoi ne suis-je pas surpris? asked the man named Black.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 01:55 PM

To Jim Carroll,

Here's the follow up to your joke:

Soon after the demise of the hunchback's untimely (if right to the second) demise, a man comes to the cathedral and inquires about the job,saying that the hunchback had been his sibling and he'd be willing to work for just food and board to be able to carry on his late brother's life's work. Reluctantly, reminding the man of the dangers involved, the fellow is given the job. Things go well for awhile, until one day, he repeated the error of his predecessor and met the same fate.

Two monks stroll by the crumpled body still lying on the ground.

One says to the other

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 02:07 PM

Sorry, using a tablet. Joke çontinued:

One monk says to the other, "It's a shame about....uh....what was his name again?"

"I don't remember offhand, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

The two jokes go out in memory of my late performing partner Phil Fox, who would often pull them out as time killers during our sets.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 07:31 PM

I raise a glass of hot spiced cider to Phil.

William Wombat offers another mug, and a moment of silence (except for the slurps) or heard.

" difficult even for us to hear silence." Says a non-wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 11:11 AM

Call it ambiance or room tone

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 10:46 PM

Ah, that restaurant on the moon. Great food - no atmosphere.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 09:13 AM

But lots of bounce.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 02:26 PM

The freeze-dried ice-cream from the Lunar Tavern floats in the jello pit like strange marshmallows.

William Wombat and I try to teach the parrot "Her Bright Smile Haunts me Still", but the struggle was in vain. At midnight, I go to the beach door and look out over the sand, towards the waves.

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 02:34 PM

A hot buttered strumpet comes over, but I remain inconsolable- I can't even find a keyboard and mouse.

One of the non-wombats offers to keep the curser in the air, but I tell the fledermaus to ignore him, until he can clean up his language.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 02:05 AM

Walter, Winfred, and William go back to the non-giant wombat group, joining their friends in banjo practice.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 06:59 AM

Sadly, this wombless bat must go estivate ailleurs... see you all next year, if I wake up in time!

(Imma gonna be offline for about 2 weeks because, *cough*, Imma taking one of them Star Trek cruises. Ahoy and prosper!)

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 07:29 AM

Ooooh Mrrzy! Have a lovely time! Bon voyage et gros bisoux!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 11:32 AM

Two weeks?

"Five year mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 05:52 PM

Will there be wombats on the cruise?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 09:00 PM

"She haunts me still."

Better not haunt me still, says he! Enough spirits there already.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Jan 18 - 05:26 AM

"It's been a year since last we met
We may never meet again
I have struggled to forget
But the struggle was in vain.
For her voice lives on the breeze
Her spirit comes at will,
In the midnight on the seas
Her bright smile haunts me still.
    In the midnight on the seas
    Her bright smile haunts me still.

I have sailed a falling sky
And I've charted hazard's path
I have seen the storm arise
Like a giant in his wrath
Every danger I have known
That a reckless life can fill
Though her presence is now flown
Her bright smile haunts me still
    Though her presence is now flown
    Her bright smile haunts me still


At the first sweet dawn of light
When I gaze upon the deep,
Her form still greets my sight
While the stars their vigils keep.
When I close my aching eyes
Sweet dreams my memory fill
And from sleep when I arise
Her bright smile haunts me still.
    And from sleep when I arise
    Her bright smile haunts me still."

from the still present chorii.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 12:18 PM

The wombat, non-wombats, and assorted chori are off to the side, singing dirges and other such cheerfull songs.


The Christmas tree is looking a bit bedraggled, so Dishpan Hans, the German kitchen helper, and I put it out by the beach door, for use in stabilizing the dunes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 03:10 PM

Carl Orff's sons, Johannes and Nicholas - Hans and Nick to their friends - have decided to join the cruise at the next port of call.

Keep an eye out for Hans Orff and Nick Orff, they have no experience of wombats. Or bats either, for that matter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 03:38 PM

Beardedbruce sits at the bar, with a box of Medjool dates and a bowl of datil pepper paste.

"A man really has to work to get a hot date around here." he says, stuffing the dates and placing them onto a wooden tray. He then starts getting the ingredients for the chicken pistachio balls together.

http://recipeofhealth.com/recipe/chicken-pistachio-balls-152230rb

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:10 PM

aside:----------------------------------------------
Make a paste of ground green olives and chopped datil peppers.

Wipe the dates with a damp cloth. Cut a lengthwise incision across the top of each date and carefully remove the pit. Take 1 tsp or so of the datil paste, roll it between your palms into a spherical shape, and tuck inside the date. It should bulge out of the opening. Repeat with the remaining paste and dates.
---------------------------------------------------------:aside

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:41 PM

Mrrzy dropped his phaser overboard set at full power in the mid Caribbean Sea. On his way back from Honduras. Fortunately it did not overload and explode until it reached the sea bottom. It set off a 7.2 Earthquake but did not raise a tsunami because of the radial dispersion of energy
.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:48 PM

Oops it was a 7.6 earthquake, which is almost 10 times bigger than a 7.2.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 10:53 AM

As a 7.0 is listed as being 20,000,000,000 KG of dynamite in power ( 20MT, in H-Bomb terms), Mrrzy is immediately arrested for possession of a WMD. Phasers are NOT Earth-friendly.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 11:09 AM

The alley-gator is putting up a sign over the bar.

"Please check your phasers and other WMD at the Armory BEFORE ordering."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 11:57 AM

Dead fish lie scattered over thousands of square miles of the surface of the mid Caribbean Sea. A major ecological disaster is in progress. Donual has gone into hiding from the large crowds world-wide looking for someone to blame.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:05 PM

It was just a phase she was going through, anyway. Now, it's turned about-phase and is gone, not before sending some fish and whales belly-up to the surface. The kitchen staff gather a few that washed up on the lower decks, anticipating tomorrow's Special Of The Day In the ship's game room, all the Pinball machines tilt, the pool balls scramble for the nearest pockets as if by choice, stout coffee mugs and food filled plates move across the table, bowls of oatmeal start quaking and somewhat more unstable long stemmed wine glasses topple over. Those whose stomachs were unsettled by the ship's exta movement, stay away from the rails and wisely head for sinks and bathrooms.

It's all a minor inconvenience on top of the water (because we wrote it that way, THAT'S why) but down below, Marianna has herself a brand new trench. The final frontier of the seas just gained some brand new space. The other tiers remained pretty much the same in the tier-filled, salty ocean.

My own starship's in the shop but I've got a complimentary one supplied by Enterprise in the interim.....

Thus Spock Severn .....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:06 PM

Mrrzy proves to the authorities that the phaser causing the earthquake did NOT come from the cruise ship. They are now looking into the rental of a fast boat by Donual, who has disappeared from sight. An alert has been issued.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 18 - 12:19 PM

Setting the boat adrift and heading to Houston Donuel is planning to pilot the D Drive that was incidentally engineered by bearded bruce in a black compartmentalized program. The craft is stored in the 8 story vacuum chamber. A letter explaining that the whistle blowing allegations are all untrue and the truth is beyond the "you can't make this stuff up" dimension. "It is true I am an illegal immigrant" !:...!   

Severn I'm glad you have access to a star run about but the D drive is unlike any craft ever devised even by species 5 billion years ahead of Earth.
Briefly, the D Drive does not use energy to push, warp, tunnel or jump.
It removes a dimension of energy which frees it from time that makes the concept of acceleration meaningless. Unfortunately it also eliminates the concept of navigation. By systematically borrowing the energy of the eliminated d dimension it can roughly eliminate the d Dimension ahead and cover distances beyond the known universe.
Or as Donuel calls it, home. If it were not for the Coltan on Earth he would not have landed here by chance and stayed so long.

Now as long as Hurricane Harvey has not damaged the vacuum building the only trace of his escape will be a localized time anomaly.

Mrrzy nearing the end of his Uber ride home in the rain wondered why they made such a big deal about the toy Phaser he rented on the cruise but lost.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 03:38 PM

Beardedbruce states that he can neither confirm nor deny any of Donuel's comments.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 06:13 PM

By transmogrifying 3d space into its anti space counter part, where the property of antispace allows adjacent access to any point in space and bypasses time in traveling. Reintroducing 3D space is the tricky part and what makes navigation relatively uncertain. There are no star maps.
That's how I ended up on Earth instead of Rohingya. Galactic drift had shifted 20 parsecs in the last few moments of spacial reintegration.
Only in those last few moments does one sense thrilling FTL speed when you can see both sides of objects appear to whiz by. Then for a handful of seconds you are like a neutrino able to pass through 3D objects and space.

When standard space is achieved you shut down d drive and rely entirely on gravity balance drive. Slowing takes longer in empty space but it is safer. You just hope it won't take a year.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 16 Jan 18 - 07:53 PM

The SEP drive is far more useful than the Improbability Drive.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 03:43 PM

The giant wombat, still half asleep, joins the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats off to one side, and have afternoon tea and crumpets.

The jello pit is bubbling, but nothing has come out of it.

The door to the beach, damaged over the holiday, has been replaced with a full-wallet of walkout windows (which slide up to form the doorways). There is a house in Cape May N.J. With a wall of them, leading to a covered porch. The Tavern's open onto a large deck, with a non-jello hot tub and firepit with grill, oven, spit, and griddle for making crumpets.

"Was that meteor near Detroit Donuel, in the D drive craft he stole in Houston? All of us in the know are aware that flight hardware is kept at Ames or a launch center: we only send mock ups and such to Houston..." Bruce mutters, buttering his hot crumpet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:17 PM

A very large cruise ship can be seen on the horizon. It travels at an incredible speed towards the Tavern, creating a bow wave that can be seen from space.
Mounted on the bridge is a massive antenna, emitting loud bleeping sounds.
It is a jumbo-sized Crumpet Detector, and it is glowing red.

The ship docks, and whizzing down the gangplank come a plump old lady, a smiling, happy African man and many, many Siamese cats. They all have napkins tucked under their chins, and all are drooling (including the humans)
"Um....did someone mention...crumpets??" asks the old lady, rushing towards Bruce. There is a predatory look in her eye.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:37 PM

"Come in, all! We are having a test run of various crumpet recipes, to ring out what the Tavern should serve. Donuel suggested 'Thomas's English Muffins' before he left, but I think we ruled out all the American varieties"

Bruce brings out a tray of hot crumpets, a block of fresh churned butter, and a plate of Various Hot Jams ( spicey, not temperature hot. Think datil pepper preserves. )

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 05:00 PM

The old lady is overcome with joy and swoons. She comes round very quickly, to see the African chap helping himself to large dollops of spicy jam and plonking it on his crumpets. She tucks into her plateful, and smiles at everyone.
The cats curl up in a warm corner and snooze. Secretly they are deciding which of them will have a wee on what...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:54 AM

Beardedbruce brings out a basket of crumpets, saying " How is this recipe? Anyone want to suggest improvements?"
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/230073/english-crumpets/print/?recipeType=Recipe&servings=12&isMetric=false


"the first batch were from this one:"
https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/PrintRecipe?RID=1114&radio=1

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:59 AM

"Hey. its not like I have a family recipe passed down to me."

Bruce goes onto the internet to find other recipes, while waiting for comment.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:03 AM

Beardedbruce starts a large notebook, with recipes for crumpets followed by comments on the results.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:09 AM

"OK, found one to be a reference." Beardedbruce says.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/crumpets_61013


"I'm off at the end on next week for my timeshare on the ocean, so I need to have a number of good recipes to play with. "

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:27 AM

Opening a chart of the universe, beardedbruce starts writing in the blank areas "Here there be Crumpets"


The hot buttered strumpet sulks at the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:33 AM

A bevy of crumpet-eating swoons have come in the Tavern, long graceful necks in contrast to their somewhat comical waddles. They join the morning tea and crumpets.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:56 PM

When Bruce says "crumpet", consider it crimped!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 02:28 AM

Please!   Crumped is the correct tense.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 03:08 AM

Among the crumpet-eating swoons with their graceful necks clucks an Old Speckled Hen.
The old lady thinks she's in heaven.
However, the Siamese have recognised a CHICKEN and are circling the poultry with gleams in their eyes.

The smiley African chap is having a lovely chat with some of the other Tavern customers. He has spicy jam all round his mouth. He's telling them how he once danced with a Border Morris side, clutching a borrowed stick and wearing African clothes, and he didn't need to black up. He explains that he likes the Witchmen and Leeds Morris, as they all hug him when he goes to the Potty Festival at Sheringham.

The old lady can't talk just now, as her mouth is crammed full with crumpet, which is a Good Thing, as otherwise she'd never stop nattering.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Jan 18 - 08:27 AM

New sign on the Tavern bulletin board:

"Additional Crumpet Recipes Wanted:
See beardedbruce or any non-giant wombat"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

The new chalk sign read Shit faced Wednesday is canceled until further notice.
Lutz Heckman returned to Berlin where his Zoo had been destroyed by allied forces. His plan to revive the extinct aurochs was a failure.

And that is the rest of the story.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 09:59 AM

A pair of aurochs, male and female, come through the time portal behind the restroom, the advance guard for an entire herd that is moving into the state of New California, as soon as it breaks away from the coastal regions.

They have tea and crumpets, then move on before the roasting spit is re-erected.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 10:03 AM

A group of newly cloned dodo birds are seen out the sliding windows on the lawn, and a large flock of passenger pigeons is nesting in the banyon tree.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 02:39 PM

A fresh batch of crumpets is started, for the US Federal Employees expected in to the Tavern Monday morning. The warming oven is being filled, and a fresh supply of butter is ready in the walk-in cooler.


Coffee is being set up, to be brewed beginning at 7:30 EST.

The teas samovars are refilled.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 07:15 PM

Note: NO coffee will be brewed for the 1:00 am session of Congress, as all the coffee makers have been let go. ANd NO chance of a crumpet delivery, either.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:01 PM

Shut down jokes are just the absurd truth, and the paperwork and rituals to serve a government cup of coffee is insanely staggering.
Dignitaries or visiting scientists should be told to bring their own thermos, although it could be confiscated.

BTW the story about bringing back extinct aurochs is true, only the name was changed.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 08:30 PM

The batch of crumpets for Federal employees ( in the warming oven) will need to be utilized, now that the shutdown is over. Suggestions are requested- so far we have one cruise ship full of cats that has offered to take them all, if we throw in 8800 sticks of butter. (one metric ton).

Some of the non-giant wombats, and non-wombats, have suggested that we make croutons out of them, for a large toss salad.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:29 PM

The Kane sisters just came in, looking for the new hot-tub. Kandy wants to use it to melt butter for the crumpets, while Hurri wants to wrestle the giant wombat in it. After tossing Hurri into the jello pit, Kandy and Nova start setting out the midnight buffet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:36 PM

The wombless bat is back, flying high as a kite, boy was that fun, all geeky nerds should try it. Glad to see the tavern is till open!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:43 PM

The Tavern is always open, even when no-one is here.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:13 PM

Crumpets are being reheated, for the afternoon tea. With the present number stored in the warming ovens, we have turned the griddle outside off until Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:46 PM

But wait! The warming oven doors are open, and there are no crumpets inside! In the distance can be heard feline sniggering as all the Siamese cats march briskly toward the docked cruise ship, small rucksacks on their backs bulging with stolen crumpets. Behind walk the old lady and the African, rather full of delicious crumpets and feeling a bit drowsy.
The ship heads out across the ocean, its hold stuffed full of lovely butter in special refrigerated storerooms.
Sounds of snoring emanate from one of the portholes.
The Crumpet Pirate Ship toots a cheeky farewell as it disappears over the horizon.
But it may return another time...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 03:07 PM

As the CPS sails away, the alley gator and beardedbruce exchange winks, and grin.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 11:58 PM

I met a bearded Borg, Bruce, and you are so right about the Tavern. I rejoice it is still inhabited, as the nuns say. How many? None.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 05:44 AM

Someone on the CPS "accidently" turns on the giant crumpet detector, and the ship starts turning in circles, chasing itself.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:46 AM

The poor old lady has her head in a plastic bucket. (She hates boats at the best of times) But the marvellous African man has the situation under control as usual. With one hand he administers yet more Stugeron tablets to his green-faced wife, and with the other he switches off the Crumpet Detector. Then he makes a thorough search of the ship.
He suspects they have a stowaway on board who has been meddling with the technology.
Sure enough, he locates the miscreant. It's...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:34 AM

...

The lone Siamese cat in the corner of the Tavern is quietly lapping at a tuna-cream blended smoothie.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:49 AM

The African urges the captain to transmit a pan pan urgency message regarding the now dehydrated lady but it was like negotiating with jello. The Captain assures us that regaining steering control will restore normalcy. The 70 tons of Chinese Fentanyl in the hold is anything but normal.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:18 AM

SmokeyPokey (the little traitor!) has stayed behind, tempted by the offer of delicious grub. And the stowaway was actually Donuel's pre-programmed robot, built to resemble a normal-sized wombat. It had been smuggled aboard to interfere with the Crumpet Detector and guard the illicit Fentanyl.   
The African man chucks it overboard, having re-programmed it to attach a small drone to SmokeyPokey, who is soon whizzing towards the Pirate ship, scowling angrily.
Crates of the illegal opiate are now bobbing about on the waves, and the old lady is re-hydrating herself with some Old Speckled Hen ale.
The African man, his much-restored wife and the now-complete contingent of Siamese cats dance a cheery Ivorian Mapouka on the deck of their ship, as it sails into the sunset.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:22 AM

Large numbers of now drugged fish are following the trail of soggy crates.

Cats are looking over the rails at the parade of fins.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:55 AM

Finns are looking over the cats at the parade of rails. Lovely birds, those.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:16 PM

Is Bruce's mouth one big Crumb Pit, where bits of pastry are put to their final rest?


The alligator tells a pair of newly cloned birds about how they have fais-do-dos back where he comes from in Louisiana. The Dodo's tell him that that fey stuff's all fine and daandy, but that and were straight and here to repropagate the race. With a sly wink and a little bit of bill and coo, they stroll off into the apiary which has become the place to go in the tavern to learn about the birds and the bees....


The alligator, being from Cajun Country, had wrote their name on their bar tab as the Deaudeaux...
.
As they stroll by, the choirbreaks into, "There was Dodo, Bendigo ...."


Left to have to try and deal with the other birds, the alligator pulls out his Pigeon-English Dictionary....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:02 PM

The pit in crumpets is what holds the butter, or preserves. Don't want that to fall off!

Several bees, and sons of bees, come out of the apiary, blushing a bright red.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:11 PM

Do you know how hard it is for a bee to blush?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 08:45 PM

The ship sails into sunrise. Unknown to everyone but the first mate a minor leak in the desalination plumbing has soaked the fentanyl in several inches of water which is enough concentrated fentanyl to incapacitate a person in seconds if it comes in contact with bare skin. The first mate heads back up the ladder and says "this is a mop job for..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:09 PM

Meanwhile the conscientious African went to finish the job of casting the illicit cargo overboard. He only stopped when stumbling backwards when the crate he was holding mashed his thumb against some plumbing.
"Hey mate where you headed? You don't belong down here" yelled the first mate.
Oh I thought I heard someone call.
"well clear outta here this is private"
oh sure
"Hey you 'ave you seen shoeless bruce?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:18 PM

"..That stowaway, Donuel" as he hands him a mop and flip flops to wear. "You might want gloves"



Back at the Tavern, the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats are tidying up, while the Kane sisters remove Donuel from their party invitation on list. "Sometimes,he's a real downer"

The blushing bees ( and sons of bees) are peeking back into the apiary.

"Moa, Moa !" Is heard from the darkened room.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:12 PM

The dropbear waits in the rafters, looking for Donuel's return from his dubious activities.

"First RINOs, then drugs... The man has very poor judgement." Says the giant wombat. "He'll never make the 'nice' list next Christmas, at this rate."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 08:07 AM

A lone crumpet peeks out of the warming oven. No-one is watching as it climbs up the rafters with a small sack.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 09:07 AM

If this were a Disney cruise there would probably be dancing Rinos, crumpets and bears but on the good ship Miss Hap the entertainment is mighty thin. All they have is Muzak and a Mentalist act by a guy who goes by The Mind, Bendy Bruce. In the State Room the show is about to
begin

The powerful African surreptitiously sneaks o thee hold where he has only 68 more tons of wet cargo to throw overboard, but how?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 09:25 AM

The African chap has an idea, and calls for the Cat Army to come down into the hold. Four by four in perfect step they descend the companionway. In stern Malinke he orders them to eject the crates of drugs, and push them overboard. He only needs to pronounce the magic word once and they spring into action. "Cheeeeeken!"

Meanwhile, up in the State Room, the old lady, having awakened from a refreshing nap, is tucking into yet another plate of toasted crumpets dripping with butter...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 03:54 PM

"Mr. Crumpet don't like it,
We ain't gonna have it here......"


....sings the ghost of the late Frank as he Stokes the fire, remembering when Beale Street was still chic ......


"I know plenty of Dodo songs," says Severn after not being able to find anything in a book from the shelf. "Especially when I don't know the words."
"That's because you are looking in Roger Peterson's Tory Field Guide." says Gnu. "That one only covers the UK."
"I also know a lot of Balkan songs", he tells gnu. "Especially when I forget the words."
Gnu goes back to the bar and orders a drink....




Meanwhile, aboard ship, somebody remarks, "If it wasn't for ocean liners, all ththe water would leak out. It says so in the ocean liner notes of nawthe

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 03:56 PM

this shanty CD....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Jan 18 - 08:55 PM

Beardedbruce, returning from his birthday crumpets ( made from scratch), brings out a salad for the non-giant wombats.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 09:16 AM

Les chiens aboient, la caravane passe, mutters the wombless bat, estivating.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 06:56 PM

Technical Question:
If one takes a bowl of crumpet dough and puts it into a pan , and cooks it as a single
Item, is it a giant crumpet, or a crump ?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 08:53 PM

crump, crap, crepe

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 31 Jan 18 - 01:00 AM

Donuel,

So dollar size pancakes would be crepets?


And small, short, nasty comments would be crapets?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 01 Feb 18 - 05:37 AM

Just got a jar of apricot preserves for my next batch of crumpets.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 06:49 AM

The giant wombat wakes, looks around, and joins beardedbruce for breakfast, looking out the wall of window/doors at the beach.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 07:34 AM

Russia needs your distrust in America

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 07:38 AM

An irritating buzzing is heard overhead. A small drone is making its way towards the tavern, bearing a sack and some metal grabbers.
Hovering above the breakfast table, the grabbers extend downwards and seize all the good things, while the sack is deployed to receive them.
The machine then flies swiftly away out over the sea, leaving the diners completely stunned...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 01:48 PM

The dropbear comes down on Donuel, carrying him off screaming. The crapets are swept up and disposed of.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 03:17 PM

The dropbear hauls Donuel over to the jello pit, and pushes him under.


More goodies are brought out.

"Why didn't she just ask for takeout?" The giant wombat mutters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 05:39 PM

The blowfish jump out of the jello pit, and wiggle slimely out the door.


Strains of " you can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses" as the blowfish slowly squirm away from the pit with Donuel in it.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 04:33 AM

The drone is returning, with two Siamese cats clinging to its grabbers.
It gently deposits the cats beside the jelly pit, then carefully hoists Donuel out. The cats tenderly lick Donuel all over, until he has no more jelly on his face or clothes.
Giving him a cheerful Siamese 'miaow!' they grasp the drone's extensions in their teeth and head off out to sea towards the cruise ship, where the old lady and the cheerful African man await them.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 05:10 AM

Hoping that Donuel has learnd a lesson, the alley gator waves off the dropbear, who, shaking his head, goes to sleep nearby. The non-giant wombats hold onto their brooms and dustpans, in case Donuel leaves any more crapets around.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 10:26 PM

Tech question: Should crumpets include eggs, or just yeast, flour, baking powder, and butter?

Enquiring crumpet eaters want to know.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 04:10 AM

Just flour, water and yeast. The butter goes on after they've toasted.
Tons of it. Tons and tons of it...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant woumombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:36 AM

Senoufou,

Tried the following, from James Townsend ( redacted from "The Art of Cookery" by Hannah Glass)

1 cup whole milk
1 cup hot water
   Mix together to make lukewarm mix
Then 1 egg
    Whisk together
Add
1 tsp instant yeast
    Whisk together
Add
2 cups flour (we used Organic All Purpose)
Mixed, cover and let rise 1 hour

Make crumpets

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:43 AM

That was a 1747 recipe.

Eat with butter; jam; jam and butter; butter, jam, and butter; butter, butter, jam and butter;...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:52 AM

More butter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:56 AM

The egg would be a nice addition beardedbruce. And make the crumpets very rich. I would also use fresh yeast, and add a little sugar to get it fermenting nicely.

When I make scones I add an egg to the mixture once I've rubbed the fat into the flour. It makes them much tastier.

The old lady and her African husband have finished up all the drone-obtained stolen crumpets. They are contemplating a night-time raid on the Tavern, as they've heard a new batch (from a delicious recipe) is in the making.
They're preparing their disguise. Should it be Batman and Robin? Or Yogi Bear and BooBoo? Mr and Mrs Blobby? Perhaps Popeye and Olive Oyl?...the discussion continues.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 04:10 PM

No need to steal it, just come and join us. Donuel left his credit tab open, and funding 24 hour a day crumpet tastings is covered. Bring your friends! Bring your cats.

Fresh cream is available, as is butter, ginger preserves, and a nice Russian Caravan black tea.

Costumes are not required, but politics should be left at home.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 04:27 PM

A large batch of crumpets are being prepared, in advance of the expected larg takeout orders. "Tugo" pakages of 6 crumpets, a pound of butter, and a 12 oz jar of ginger marmalade are being stacked on a table by the door.

A large barrel of cream and tuna fish smoothies is rolled out.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 09:44 AM

A small gaily-decorated launch is seen tying up at the quay.
Out step an African man in full African costume, a rather plump old lady carrying an enormous Victoria sponge cake, and several Siamese cats wearing jolly little ruffs and with bright ribbons on their tails.
They enter the tavern smiling, and the party begins.

The cats perform the Siamese Moggie Polka.
The African performs an Ivorian dance.
And the old lady plays her melodeon.

Crumpets, kilos of butter and all the other good things are served, while the cats get fatter and fatter from gorging on the delicious creamed tuna.
The old lady dances in turn with the wombats, Donuel, Beardedbruce, the wombless bat, the Squid and all the other customers in the tavern.

The noise is tremendous and there are big smiles all round...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 10:03 AM

African in full African costume was rather vague, but the dance being Ivorian gave me a cool visual... man, I really enjoyed the 60's en brousse.

And Russian Caravan was the favorite kedvesédesanyámnak, sniffs the wombless bat, doing a spinny pentagram in flight whistling engineer songs so the html will work. Avoiding train **wreck* songs so as not to twist the mojo... Reduced to Monkey and the engineer, the bat flies faster than intended, but doesn't hit anything because, well, it's a *bat*.

Lessee if it works.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Greg F.
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 10:08 AM

Amazing.

BS Bruce can even manage to weaponize and pollute a harmless thread like this one!

And be permitted to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 10:11 AM

{html victory digression: Woo hoo! "Mom" in Hungarian, composed of particles meaning kind, sweet, mother, owned-ness (her being *my* mom), and ownership (the tea being a favorite *of hers*). Klingon ain't got nothing on it, as I discovered, ha ha, on the Star Trek cruise. I am so punny.}

The wombless bat crashes into the Ivorian dancer, knocking him off his stilts and into the barrel of smoothies. That should take the edge off! cackles the old lady with the melodeon, who is just happy to have been missed by the furry and human projectiles...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 01:01 PM

The African is wearing a long tunic over trousers, all made from a material called 'bazin'. It's emerald green and very shiny. Around the neck and down the front is intricate and colourful silvery embroidery, and a huge embroidered design decorates the front panel. On his head is a little close-fitting white, crocheted cap. He has pointy red leather shoes.
The old lady is in pale blue cotton trousers, a cream flowing top, and her trusty sandals.
She pulls out her old Hohner harmonica and plays a sailor's hornpipe.
The cats dance on their back legs with their front paws folded.
Old Speckled Hen ale flows into everyone's glass, and a Toast is given:-
"To all at the Tavern, God bless us every one!"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 01:54 PM

Several Siamese cats go over to GregtrF, and piss in his glass of vinegar.

Fresh crumpets are brought out for the dancers.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Greg F.
Date: 05 Feb 18 - 10:09 PM

Q.E.D. Brucie.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 03:58 AM

SmokeyPokey, the chief Siamese cat, hurries over to Greg and whispers in his ear. Greg begins to smile. It wasn't wee at all, but some excellent Glen Morangie, which each cat carries in a tiny flask for special occasions.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 06:34 AM

The non- giant wombTs surround GredtrF with their brooms and dustpans, wily sweeping up the crapets he is producing.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 08:22 AM

(never post from a phone)


The non-giant wombats surround GregtrF with their brooms and dustpans, waiting to sweep up all the crapets he is producing.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 01:52 PM

A fresh batch of crumpets is brought out.

They are good enough to inspire sonnets.


Freshly churned butter has been brought, as well as home-made orange marmalade.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Feb 18 - 04:04 PM

It wasn't wee, it was a LARGE amount, if you add up all the flasks...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 07 Feb 18 - 08:50 PM

Tech note:
Here in the US, crumpet rings are also listed as egg/ pancake/ cookie rings. But the height of "proper" crumpet rings seem to be larger than the rings so labelled.

And I invite civil comments on such variations as heart and squeeze shaped "rings"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 07 Feb 18 - 08:54 PM

Square. I hate cell phone autocorrects.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 08 Feb 18 - 08:36 PM

I guess the Tavern goers were properly taught( as decent people) tha if you can't say something nice, you should say nothing at all.

I will take it that non- round crumpet rings are NOT a Good Thing.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Feb 18 - 04:15 AM

Around Christmas time here in UK, there are Christmas tree-shaped crumpets on sale. But the points on the shape get too hard in the toaster. I like round crumpets the best.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Feb 18 - 03:08 PM

A takeout order of stuffed grape leaves( vegan, stuffed with rice and spices), hummus, babaganoush, and large flat loaves of Middle Eastern bread are picked up by beardedbruce for tonight's pot luck.

A tray of herring and cream smoothies, each topped with an anchovy, are brought out for the cats.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Feb 18 - 03:18 PM

The old lady (who is already too fat) cannot resist the delicious food on offer this evening. The cats are slinking forward like little commandos on their bellies, heading for the very tempting fishy smoothie.
The smiling African hasn't decided yet which of his many special Ivorian outfits he's going to wear, but soon he arrives in a shiny turquoise bazin suit with dark green embroidery. He adores the lovely offerings on the table, and thanks the Tavern chef most sincerely, as do the cats and the old lady.
Unfortunately, the entire group doze off, having very full stomachs. There is soon the sound of loud snoring; even the cats snore.
It's the Snoring Chorus. With big smiles.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:11 PM

The assorted Chorii come down from the loft, and hum along with the cats as they snore.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Greg F.
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:20 PM

Without warning a giant bearded asshole splashes excrement all 'round the Tavern whilst screaming nonsense. Having seen and heard the same act many times before, the patrons shake their heads and go about their business.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:28 PM

The dropbear falls upon the asshole, GregtrF, and tears out his intestines and wraps them around his neck. The asshole still keeps spreading excrement all over Mudcat.

Everyone cheers.

The squirming body of the former GregtrF is dragged out to the beach for the gulls to feast upon.

A vast celebration is prepared, to celebrate.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:30 PM

One female rodent in the corner sheds a tear. " I loved that asshole." she says.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:37 PM

The non-giant wombats with mops and dustpans, clean up the excrement left around by GregtrF, making the Tavern, once more, a place for decent people to come and enjoy themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Feb 18 - 12:39 PM

The dropbear goes off to the showers, needing to get cleaned up.