BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 08:07 AM

A lone crumpet peeks out of the warming oven. No-one is watching as it climbs up the rafters with a small sack.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:12 PM

The dropbear waits in the rafters, looking for Donuel's return from his dubious activities.

"First RINOs, then drugs... The man has very poor judgement." Says the giant wombat. "He'll never make the 'nice' list next Christmas, at this rate."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:18 PM

"..That stowaway, Donuel" as he hands him a mop and flip flops to wear. "You might want gloves"



Back at the Tavern, the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats are tidying up, while the Kane sisters remove Donuel from their party invitation on list. "Sometimes,he's a real downer"

The blushing bees ( and sons of bees) are peeking back into the apiary.

"Moa, Moa !" Is heard from the darkened room.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:09 PM

Meanwhile the conscientious African went to finish the job of casting the illicit cargo overboard. He only stopped when stumbling backwards when the crate he was holding mashed his thumb against some plumbing.
"Hey mate where you headed? You don't belong down here" yelled the first mate.
Oh I thought I heard someone call.
"well clear outta here this is private"
oh sure
"Hey you 'ave you seen shoeless bruce?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 08:45 PM

The ship sails into sunrise. Unknown to everyone but the first mate a minor leak in the desalination plumbing has soaked the fentanyl in several inches of water which is enough concentrated fentanyl to incapacitate a person in seconds if it comes in contact with bare skin. The first mate heads back up the ladder and says "this is a mop job for..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:11 PM

Do you know how hard it is for a bee to blush?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:02 PM

The pit in crumpets is what holds the butter, or preserves. Don't want that to fall off!

Several bees, and sons of bees, come out of the apiary, blushing a bright red.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:16 PM

Is Bruce's mouth one big Crumb Pit, where bits of pastry are put to their final rest?


The alligator tells a pair of newly cloned birds about how they have fais-do-dos back where he comes from in Louisiana. The Dodo's tell him that that fey stuff's all fine and daandy, but that and were straight and here to repropagate the race. With a sly wink and a little bit of bill and coo, they stroll off into the apiary which has become the place to go in the tavern to learn about the birds and the bees....


The alligator, being from Cajun Country, had wrote their name on their bar tab as the Deaudeaux...
.
As they stroll by, the choirbreaks into, "There was Dodo, Bendigo ...."


Left to have to try and deal with the other birds, the alligator pulls out his Pigeon-English Dictionary....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:55 AM

Finns are looking over the cats at the parade of rails. Lovely birds, those.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:22 AM

Large numbers of now drugged fish are following the trail of soggy crates.

Cats are looking over the rails at the parade of fins.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:18 AM

SmokeyPokey (the little traitor!) has stayed behind, tempted by the offer of delicious grub. And the stowaway was actually Donuel's pre-programmed robot, built to resemble a normal-sized wombat. It had been smuggled aboard to interfere with the Crumpet Detector and guard the illicit Fentanyl.   
The African man chucks it overboard, having re-programmed it to attach a small drone to SmokeyPokey, who is soon whizzing towards the Pirate ship, scowling angrily.
Crates of the illegal opiate are now bobbing about on the waves, and the old lady is re-hydrating herself with some Old Speckled Hen ale.
The African man, his much-restored wife and the now-complete contingent of Siamese cats dance a cheery Ivorian Mapouka on the deck of their ship, as it sails into the sunset.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:49 AM

The African urges the captain to transmit a pan pan urgency message regarding the now dehydrated lady but it was like negotiating with jello. The Captain assures us that regaining steering control will restore normalcy. The 70 tons of Chinese Fentanyl in the hold is anything but normal.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:34 AM

...

The lone Siamese cat in the corner of the Tavern is quietly lapping at a tuna-cream blended smoothie.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:46 AM

The poor old lady has her head in a plastic bucket. (She hates boats at the best of times) But the marvellous African man has the situation under control as usual. With one hand he administers yet more Stugeron tablets to his green-faced wife, and with the other he switches off the Crumpet Detector. Then he makes a thorough search of the ship.
He suspects they have a stowaway on board who has been meddling with the technology.
Sure enough, he locates the miscreant. It's...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 05:44 AM

Someone on the CPS "accidently" turns on the giant crumpet detector, and the ship starts turning in circles, chasing itself.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 11:58 PM

I met a bearded Borg, Bruce, and you are so right about the Tavern. I rejoice it is still inhabited, as the nuns say. How many? None.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 03:07 PM

As the CPS sails away, the alley gator and beardedbruce exchange winks, and grin.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:46 PM

But wait! The warming oven doors are open, and there are no crumpets inside! In the distance can be heard feline sniggering as all the Siamese cats march briskly toward the docked cruise ship, small rucksacks on their backs bulging with stolen crumpets. Behind walk the old lady and the African, rather full of delicious crumpets and feeling a bit drowsy.
The ship heads out across the ocean, its hold stuffed full of lovely butter in special refrigerated storerooms.
Sounds of snoring emanate from one of the portholes.
The Crumpet Pirate Ship toots a cheeky farewell as it disappears over the horizon.
But it may return another time...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:13 PM

Crumpets are being reheated, for the afternoon tea. With the present number stored in the warming ovens, we have turned the griddle outside off until Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:43 PM

The Tavern is always open, even when no-one is here.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:36 PM

The wombless bat is back, flying high as a kite, boy was that fun, all geeky nerds should try it. Glad to see the tavern is till open!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:29 PM

The Kane sisters just came in, looking for the new hot-tub. Kandy wants to use it to melt butter for the crumpets, while Hurri wants to wrestle the giant wombat in it. After tossing Hurri into the jello pit, Kandy and Nova start setting out the midnight buffet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 08:30 PM

The batch of crumpets for Federal employees ( in the warming oven) will need to be utilized, now that the shutdown is over. Suggestions are requested- so far we have one cruise ship full of cats that has offered to take them all, if we throw in 8800 sticks of butter. (one metric ton).

Some of the non-giant wombats, and non-wombats, have suggested that we make croutons out of them, for a large toss salad.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:01 PM

Shut down jokes are just the absurd truth, and the paperwork and rituals to serve a government cup of coffee is insanely staggering.
Dignitaries or visiting scientists should be told to bring their own thermos, although it could be confiscated.

BTW the story about bringing back extinct aurochs is true, only the name was changed.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 07:15 PM

Note: NO coffee will be brewed for the 1:00 am session of Congress, as all the coffee makers have been let go. ANd NO chance of a crumpet delivery, either.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 02:39 PM

A fresh batch of crumpets is started, for the US Federal Employees expected in to the Tavern Monday morning. The warming oven is being filled, and a fresh supply of butter is ready in the walk-in cooler.


Coffee is being set up, to be brewed beginning at 7:30 EST.

The teas samovars are refilled.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 10:03 AM

A group of newly cloned dodo birds are seen out the sliding windows on the lawn, and a large flock of passenger pigeons is nesting in the banyon tree.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 09:59 AM

A pair of aurochs, male and female, come through the time portal behind the restroom, the advance guard for an entire herd that is moving into the state of New California, as soon as it breaks away from the coastal regions.

They have tea and crumpets, then move on before the roasting spit is re-erected.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

The new chalk sign read Shit faced Wednesday is canceled until further notice.
Lutz Heckman returned to Berlin where his Zoo had been destroyed by allied forces. His plan to revive the extinct aurochs was a failure.

And that is the rest of the story.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Jan 18 - 08:27 AM

New sign on the Tavern bulletin board:

"Additional Crumpet Recipes Wanted:
See beardedbruce or any non-giant wombat"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 03:08 AM

Among the crumpet-eating swoons with their graceful necks clucks an Old Speckled Hen.
The old lady thinks she's in heaven.
However, the Siamese have recognised a CHICKEN and are circling the poultry with gleams in their eyes.

The smiley African chap is having a lovely chat with some of the other Tavern customers. He has spicy jam all round his mouth. He's telling them how he once danced with a Border Morris side, clutching a borrowed stick and wearing African clothes, and he didn't need to black up. He explains that he likes the Witchmen and Leeds Morris, as they all hug him when he goes to the Potty Festival at Sheringham.

The old lady can't talk just now, as her mouth is crammed full with crumpet, which is a Good Thing, as otherwise she'd never stop nattering.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 02:28 AM

Please!   Crumped is the correct tense.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:56 PM

When Bruce says "crumpet", consider it crimped!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:33 AM

A bevy of crumpet-eating swoons have come in the Tavern, long graceful necks in contrast to their somewhat comical waddles. They join the morning tea and crumpets.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:27 AM

Opening a chart of the universe, beardedbruce starts writing in the blank areas "Here there be Crumpets"


The hot buttered strumpet sulks at the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:09 AM

"OK, found one to be a reference." Beardedbruce says.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/crumpets_61013


"I'm off at the end on next week for my timeshare on the ocean, so I need to have a number of good recipes to play with. "

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:03 AM

Beardedbruce starts a large notebook, with recipes for crumpets followed by comments on the results.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:59 AM

"Hey. its not like I have a family recipe passed down to me."

Bruce goes onto the internet to find other recipes, while waiting for comment.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:54 AM

Beardedbruce brings out a basket of crumpets, saying " How is this recipe? Anyone want to suggest improvements?"
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/230073/english-crumpets/print/?recipeType=Recipe&servings=12&isMetric=false


"the first batch were from this one:"
https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/PrintRecipe?RID=1114&radio=1

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 05:00 PM

The old lady is overcome with joy and swoons. She comes round very quickly, to see the African chap helping himself to large dollops of spicy jam and plonking it on his crumpets. She tucks into her plateful, and smiles at everyone.
The cats curl up in a warm corner and snooze. Secretly they are deciding which of them will have a wee on what...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:37 PM

"Come in, all! We are having a test run of various crumpet recipes, to ring out what the Tavern should serve. Donuel suggested 'Thomas's English Muffins' before he left, but I think we ruled out all the American varieties"

Bruce brings out a tray of hot crumpets, a block of fresh churned butter, and a plate of Various Hot Jams ( spicey, not temperature hot. Think datil pepper preserves. )

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:17 PM

A very large cruise ship can be seen on the horizon. It travels at an incredible speed towards the Tavern, creating a bow wave that can be seen from space.
Mounted on the bridge is a massive antenna, emitting loud bleeping sounds.
It is a jumbo-sized Crumpet Detector, and it is glowing red.

The ship docks, and whizzing down the gangplank come a plump old lady, a smiling, happy African man and many, many Siamese cats. They all have napkins tucked under their chins, and all are drooling (including the humans)
"Um....did someone mention...crumpets??" asks the old lady, rushing towards Bruce. There is a predatory look in her eye.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 03:43 PM

The giant wombat, still half asleep, joins the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats off to one side, and have afternoon tea and crumpets.

The jello pit is bubbling, but nothing has come out of it.

The door to the beach, damaged over the holiday, has been replaced with a full-wallet of walkout windows (which slide up to form the doorways). There is a house in Cape May N.J. With a wall of them, leading to a covered porch. The Tavern's open onto a large deck, with a non-jello hot tub and firepit with grill, oven, spit, and griddle for making crumpets.

"Was that meteor near Detroit Donuel, in the D drive craft he stole in Houston? All of us in the know are aware that flight hardware is kept at Ames or a launch center: we only send mock ups and such to Houston..." Bruce mutters, buttering his hot crumpet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 16 Jan 18 - 07:53 PM

The SEP drive is far more useful than the Improbability Drive.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 06:13 PM

By transmogrifying 3d space into its anti space counter part, where the property of antispace allows adjacent access to any point in space and bypasses time in traveling. Reintroducing 3D space is the tricky part and what makes navigation relatively uncertain. There are no star maps.
That's how I ended up on Earth instead of Rohingya. Galactic drift had shifted 20 parsecs in the last few moments of spacial reintegration.
Only in those last few moments does one sense thrilling FTL speed when you can see both sides of objects appear to whiz by. Then for a handful of seconds you are like a neutrino able to pass through 3D objects and space.

When standard space is achieved you shut down d drive and rely entirely on gravity balance drive. Slowing takes longer in empty space but it is safer. You just hope it won't take a year.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 03:38 PM

Beardedbruce states that he can neither confirm nor deny any of Donuel's comments.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 18 - 12:19 PM

Setting the boat adrift and heading to Houston Donuel is planning to pilot the D Drive that was incidentally engineered by bearded bruce in a black compartmentalized program. The craft is stored in the 8 story vacuum chamber. A letter explaining that the whistle blowing allegations are all untrue and the truth is beyond the "you can't make this stuff up" dimension. "It is true I am an illegal immigrant" !:...!   

Severn I'm glad you have access to a star run about but the D drive is unlike any craft ever devised even by species 5 billion years ahead of Earth.
Briefly, the D Drive does not use energy to push, warp, tunnel or jump.
It removes a dimension of energy which frees it from time that makes the concept of acceleration meaningless. Unfortunately it also eliminates the concept of navigation. By systematically borrowing the energy of the eliminated d dimension it can roughly eliminate the d Dimension ahead and cover distances beyond the known universe.
Or as Donuel calls it, home. If it were not for the Coltan on Earth he would not have landed here by chance and stayed so long.

Now as long as Hurricane Harvey has not damaged the vacuum building the only trace of his escape will be a localized time anomaly.

Mrrzy nearing the end of his Uber ride home in the rain wondered why they made such a big deal about the toy Phaser he rented on the cruise but lost.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:06 PM

Mrrzy proves to the authorities that the phaser causing the earthquake did NOT come from the cruise ship. They are now looking into the rental of a fast boat by Donual, who has disappeared from sight. An alert has been issued.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:05 PM

It was just a phase she was going through, anyway. Now, it's turned about-phase and is gone, not before sending some fish and whales belly-up to the surface. The kitchen staff gather a few that washed up on the lower decks, anticipating tomorrow's Special Of The Day In the ship's game room, all the Pinball machines tilt, the pool balls scramble for the nearest pockets as if by choice, stout coffee mugs and food filled plates move across the table, bowls of oatmeal start quaking and somewhat more unstable long stemmed wine glasses topple over. Those whose stomachs were unsettled by the ship's exta movement, stay away from the rails and wisely head for sinks and bathrooms.

It's all a minor inconvenience on top of the water (because we wrote it that way, THAT'S why) but down below, Marianna has herself a brand new trench. The final frontier of the seas just gained some brand new space. The other tiers remained pretty much the same in the tier-filled, salty ocean.

My own starship's in the shop but I've got a complimentary one supplied by Enterprise in the interim.....

Thus Spock Severn .....