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BS: Funny witticisms

Steve Shaw 02 Dec 23 - 02:00 PM
BobL 03 Dec 23 - 04:37 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Dec 23 - 04:50 AM
Thompson 03 Dec 23 - 04:54 AM
gillymor 03 Dec 23 - 12:42 PM
Mrrzy 03 Dec 23 - 01:17 PM
Donuel 04 Dec 23 - 05:38 AM
Georgiansilver 04 Dec 23 - 07:29 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM
Dave the Gnome 04 Dec 23 - 02:28 PM
Bill D 04 Dec 23 - 04:07 PM
Mrrzy 04 Dec 23 - 04:33 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Dec 23 - 05:01 AM
gillymor 05 Dec 23 - 05:31 AM
Mrrzy 05 Dec 23 - 09:15 AM
gillymor 05 Dec 23 - 09:31 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Dec 23 - 12:37 PM
Dave the Gnome 05 Dec 23 - 12:48 PM
Mrrzy 05 Dec 23 - 05:15 PM
Joe_F 05 Dec 23 - 05:54 PM
meself 05 Dec 23 - 07:35 PM
gillymor 05 Dec 23 - 07:53 PM
Mrrzy 06 Dec 23 - 11:37 AM
Steve Shaw 06 Dec 23 - 01:22 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Dec 23 - 01:35 PM
Mrrzy 06 Dec 23 - 06:45 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Dec 23 - 07:36 PM
meself 06 Dec 23 - 08:14 PM
Steve Shaw 06 Dec 23 - 08:32 PM
Thompson 07 Dec 23 - 03:17 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 AM
gillymor 07 Dec 23 - 12:33 PM
BobL 07 Dec 23 - 06:54 PM
robomatic 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 PM
MaJoC the Filk 09 Dec 23 - 10:35 AM
meself 09 Dec 23 - 02:49 PM
gillymor 09 Dec 23 - 02:52 PM
Mrrzy 10 Dec 23 - 09:14 AM
gillymor 10 Dec 23 - 09:25 AM
gillymor 10 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM
Steve Shaw 10 Dec 23 - 12:40 PM
MaJoC the Filk 14 Dec 23 - 03:09 PM
gillymor 14 Dec 23 - 03:45 PM
gillymor 14 Dec 23 - 04:13 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM
Steve Shaw 14 Dec 23 - 08:16 PM
The Sandman 17 Dec 23 - 03:29 AM
The Sandman 17 Dec 23 - 03:17 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 04:53 AM
The Sandman 18 Dec 23 - 05:03 AM
Doug Chadwick 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM
Donuel 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM
gillymor 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM
meself 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM
G-Force 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM
gillymor 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM
Doug Chadwick 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM
Steve Shaw 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM
gillymor 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM
G-Force 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM
Geoff Wallis 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM
Mrrzy 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM
Dave the Gnome 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM
Paul Reade 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM
Severn 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM
gillymor 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM
The Sandman 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM
The Sandman 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM
BobL 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM
Joe_F 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM
Bill D 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM
Doug Chadwick 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM
Steve Shaw 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM
Mrrzy 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM
The Sandman 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM
The Sandman 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM
Mr Red 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM
Doug Chadwick 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM
Dave the Gnome 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM
Mrrzy 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM
Mrrzy 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM
Donuel 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM
Donuel 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM
Mrrzy 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM
BobL 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM
gillymor 03 Jan 24 - 06:59 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 24 - 07:11 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 07:29 AM
gillymor 03 Jan 24 - 07:55 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 08:49 AM
gillymor 03 Jan 24 - 08:57 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM
gillymor 03 Jan 24 - 09:09 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 24 - 09:47 AM
Donuel 03 Jan 24 - 09:52 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 24 - 10:11 AM
Dave the Gnome 03 Jan 24 - 10:32 AM
gillymor 03 Jan 24 - 11:16 AM
Black belt caterpillar wrestler 03 Jan 24 - 11:17 AM
Donuel 04 Jan 24 - 11:47 AM
gillymor 04 Jan 24 - 12:11 PM
Mrrzy 04 Jan 24 - 01:02 PM
gillymor 04 Jan 24 - 02:06 PM
Dave the Gnome 05 Jan 24 - 02:56 AM
gillymor 05 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM
gillymor 05 Jan 24 - 06:11 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Jan 24 - 07:56 AM
Mrrzy 05 Jan 24 - 10:23 AM
meself 05 Jan 24 - 06:33 PM
Mrrzy 05 Jan 24 - 07:41 PM
Doug Chadwick 06 Jan 24 - 04:10 AM
Rain Dog 06 Jan 24 - 04:24 AM
Steve Shaw 06 Jan 24 - 04:34 AM
Doug Chadwick 06 Jan 24 - 04:54 AM
Doug Chadwick 06 Jan 24 - 05:16 AM
Thompson 10 Jan 24 - 05:23 PM
meself 12 Jan 24 - 11:55 AM
The Sandman 12 Jan 24 - 12:02 PM
Mrrzy 12 Jan 24 - 01:39 PM
Dave the Gnome 13 Jan 24 - 03:20 AM
Mrrzy 13 Jan 24 - 06:50 PM
Reinhard 17 Jan 24 - 01:46 AM
Mrrzy 19 Jan 24 - 01:23 PM
BobL 21 Jan 24 - 06:44 AM
Donuel 21 Jan 24 - 07:34 AM
Mrrzy 21 Jan 24 - 04:32 PM
meself 21 Jan 24 - 08:56 PM
Mrrzy 27 Jan 24 - 10:28 PM
Thompson 03 Feb 24 - 03:59 AM
gillymor 03 Feb 24 - 07:48 AM
meself 03 Feb 24 - 03:04 PM
meself 03 Feb 24 - 03:05 PM
Doug Chadwick 03 Feb 24 - 05:19 PM
The Sandman 03 Feb 24 - 05:33 PM
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Thompson 04 Feb 24 - 12:13 PM
Mrrzy 04 Feb 24 - 04:02 PM
meself 04 Feb 24 - 10:10 PM
MaJoC the Filk 05 Feb 24 - 04:45 AM
The Sandman 05 Feb 24 - 07:41 AM
Mrrzy 11 Feb 24 - 08:26 AM
gillymor 11 Feb 24 - 10:11 AM
Mrrzy 11 Feb 24 - 11:55 AM
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Mrrzy 12 Feb 24 - 09:32 AM
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meself 20 Feb 24 - 12:33 PM
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Subject: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 23 - 02:00 PM

Thought I was going to put this in the joke thread, but it belongs to a different genre of humour I feel. I wonder if this thread will fly...

Someone once asked the great conductor Sir Thomas Beecham if he'd ever conducted any Stockhausen.

"No," he replied, "but I once trod in some..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:37 AM

A slightly self-effacing putdown:
"You can tell he's a couple of years younger than me, I sometimes act like a five-year-old."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:50 AM

Denis Healey, on debating with Geoffrey Howe:
"Like being savaged by a dead sheep.”


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 04:54 AM

UK prime minister Harold Wilson on a later UK prime minister, Edward Heath: "A shiver looking for a spine to run up".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 12:42 PM

Fred Allen once said of Jack Benny, "He couldn't ad lib a belch after a Hungarian dinner".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Dec 23 - 01:17 PM

Who defined a Hungarian as Someone who could enter a revolving door behind you and come out ahead?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 05:38 AM

"... then he and I must go there at once".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 07:29 AM

I love the story of Winston Churchill and Lady Astor. Lady Astor said to Winston.....'Mr Churchill, If I were your wife, I would put poison in your drink' .... Winston replid 'Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it'!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

“When Edwina Currie goes to the dentist, he needs the anaesthetic.”

(The then Labour health secretary Frank Dobson)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 02:28 PM

When he was circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away.

Could apply to so many...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 04:07 PM

One of my own.
Many years ago, as a member of the Democratic Club at my university, a friend who was the club president talked me into running in the primary election for State Senate, in order to split the white vote and try to give a black friend a chance to beat a racist white guy.
    Well, I went on two TV programs and said some things but by that time, a well-known Black politician had filed late, and was slightly favored.
   When the votes were counted, the more well-known guy was leading, but because, even coming in last, my 734 votes gave him the margin over the racist.
   The next day, the club president, David, caught me in the hall with congratulations and and thanks..
   "That was great, Bill, " he said. "Before I'm finished with you, you'll either be governor or you'll be sick of me!"
"Gee, David," I replied, "What if I'm both?"
The look on his face...!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Dec 23 - 04:33 PM

Mom (annother Hungarian), asked where her accent comes from:

It comes from trying to speak English!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:01 AM

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead. [Stan Laurel]


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:31 AM

Then there's Dorothy Parker's, "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think".
(No offense to sex workers from this quarter.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 09:15 AM

Horticulture. You can lead a horticulture.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 09:31 AM

If you google it, Mrrzy, it seems that "whore to culture" was her response when asked to use horticulture in a sentence. So the story goes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:37 PM

Ken Dodd: "I'm not saying I was an ugly baby, but when I was born the midwife slapped my mother."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 12:48 PM

Me on a bus home one night when a bunch of teens started to giggle when one of them called me a fat bloke.

"I can lose weight. What can you do about your face?"

I must say I felt a bit guilty when her friends erupted with laughter and she went bright red. I forgave myself though :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:15 PM

Exactly. So what she said was, You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

Otherwise it isn't a *witticism* -it is mere commentary.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 05:54 PM

"You're drunk."
"In the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly."
(Attributed to Winston Churchill)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 07:35 PM

I was talking to one of my sons one time, when he was in grade 11, and he mentioned something about his Chemistry class.

"Chemistry!" says I. "Have they made you memorize the Periodic Table? Back in my day, in Grade Eleven Chemistry, we had to memorize the whole Periodic Table!"

"Yeah, but back in your day," he said, "there were only four elements, weren't there?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Dec 23 - 07:53 PM

Your argument makes no sense, Mrzzy. Once again, go online and check out the quote.

gilly out


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 11:37 AM

She was asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence. That is what she did. So spelling it Whore To Culture is a mistake. Sorry, but there you have it.

Meanwhile, Churchill said And in the morning I'll be sober, and then stopped speaking. He didn't add And you'll still be ugly. That was understood.

Did Calvin Coolidge, told by someone that they'd bet they could make him say 3 words, really answer You lose?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 01:22 PM

Another Winston one: "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

How true when you consider that democracy has given us Thatcher, Reagan, Bush junior, Trump and Boris Johnson. And brexit.

Incidentally, most sources I've checked assert that he did say "...you'll still be ugly" in that quote. Maybe you had to be there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 01:35 PM

Another Churchill one: "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else." (Sorry, yanks!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 06:45 PM

But then, it wouldn't have been witty. It would merely be rude.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 07:36 PM

But you think that the horticulture one's witty. Oh dear...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:14 PM

Teddy Roosevelt was, apparently, given to 'speaking at length' ....

At the time of some kerfuffle between US and France, a French diplomat went to meet with Roosevelt, and was in his office for a couple of hours. When he emerged, a reporter asked, "What did you tell Mr Roosevelt?" The diplomat replied: "My name."

Roosevelt's daughter was quoted as saying, "My father wanted to be the bride at every wedding, the dead man at every funeral, and the baby at every christening."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 23 - 08:32 PM

Apropos of the French, Dubya didn't say "The problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur," but I wish he had...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 03:17 AM

John Philpott Curran describing Robert Peel: "His smile is like the brass plate on a coffin."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 AM

A choice selection of Dubya quotes:

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"They misunderestimated me."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 12:33 PM

The secret of being a good actor is honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.

George Burns

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

Rita Mae Brown


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 06:54 PM

Better to look a fool with an umbrella on a dry day than a fool without an umbrella on a wet day.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A reputation for chastity is necessary to a woman. Chastity itself is also sometimes useful.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: robomatic
Date: 07 Dec 23 - 10:13 PM

I worked for an engineering company with a client named Alaska Pumptech.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _:

"What's the difference between working for Alaska PT and working for Satan?"

"Satan knows what he wants!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 10:35 AM

The Coolidge quote was (as I heard it) a rather bubbly young lass at a party saying: "My father's said that if I can get you to say three words, he'll give me a fur coat."

Coolidge: "Papa wins."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:49 PM

Or: ... husband ... bet ... "You lose."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Dec 23 - 02:52 PM

Going to sea is like going to prison with the added prospect of drowning.- Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.- Woody Allen (or maybe Groucho)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:14 AM

I didn't post the horticulture one, Steve. I merely corrected it.

But yes, witty. Why not?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:25 AM

Your correction made no sense. The joke is a play on the old expression "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." "Horticulture" was just used as a set up and has no comic value the way you use it. One more time, research the actual remark.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 09:55 AM

Here's another one that seems apt-

E.B. White compared the analysis of humor to dissecting a frog and concluded, "While it is possible the frog usually dies in the process."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Dec 23 - 12:40 PM

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

Give a man a bucket of coal and you'll keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make him fish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:09 PM

With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince.

With science, you can turn a frog into a PhD, and still have the frog afterwards.

                     -- badly remembered from Science of Discworld


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 03:45 PM

Back in my working days I was performing some task with one of the guys, Pancho, and started singing "Doobie, doobie do" and knowing he was a stoner I asked him if he thought Old Blue Eyes was advocating marijuana use to which he replied, "Well, he didn't say 'Doobie, doobie don't'".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 04:13 PM

Here's one that's kind of blue (not the Miles Davis kind)-

I had just met a South African fellow at work and we decided to go out for a drink after and he asked me "How do you hold your liquor?" to which I responded "By the ears".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 06:42 PM

Buy a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for the day. Throw a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Dec 23 - 08:16 PM

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”— Sartre.
"To be or not to be"—Shakespeare.
“Do be do be do”—Sinatra.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:29 AM

Mark Twain used to joke that "golf is a good walk spoiled."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 17 Dec 23 - 03:17 PM

Hell is full of musical amateurs, George Bernard Shaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 04:53 AM

So are singarounds, pub sessions and music festivals. If GBS was here today I think we'd be asking him to explain himself. No relation, by the way.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:03 AM

1. does hell exist?.
2, is life on earth hell?
3. Shaw is confusing being not paid for playing music with being not good, which is of course a generalisation,and is sometimes incorrect, but occasionally correct


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:04 AM

If I had to spend eternity in Heaven without being able to make music just for the love of it, that would be Hell for me.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 05:47 AM

I'm not quite sure what being "not good at music" means. The only exception being the ownership of a bodhran, of course.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 06:34 AM

Ancient blues jazz and metal music


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:09 PM

Did you take a wrong turn, how did that facebook link wind up in this funny witticism thread?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 01:24 PM

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right. (on a t-shirt)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 03:38 PM

I don't know if this one was widespread or not; my apologies if everyone is familiar with it .... Anyway, for awhile you would see here and there someone wearing a tee-shirt displaying the statement, "I'm with Stupid", and an arrow pointing to one side. Then one day, I saw a woman with a tee-shirt that said, "I'm not with Stupid anymore."

What? Well, I thought it was funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 23 - 07:59 PM

Either you like bacon or you're wrong (another t-shirt).

Just been watching a programme about Billy Connolly. On stage, he was saying that Frank Ifield had turned to punk and had written a song called "I Remember You, You Bastard."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:07 AM

A couple of musicians' one-liners:

George Melly, while being driven past the rather splendid art-deco Hoover factory in north-west London: 'All that, just to suck up shit!'.

Ronnie Hawkins, when asked by Robbie Robertson how much he'd get paid if he joined the Hawks: 'You won't get much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:27 AM

After playing a set, jazz guitarist Jim Hall was approached by a fan who said "Your guitar sounded fabulous". Hall looked at the instrument on it's stand and responded "how does it sound now?".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:45 AM

.... jazz guitarist Jim Hall ....

When I first heard it, it was Chet Atkins.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 06:59 AM

Speaking of George Melly, he's alleged to have said, having discovered that he'd become impotent, "It's wonderful, like being unchained from a lunatic."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:58 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.- Tom Waits


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: G-Force
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 09:40 AM

Another from Mr. Waits: Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 01:02 PM

For the record, Tom Waits was not the originator of either of the above aphorisms.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 23 - 07:14 PM

But I like the sham pain one.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 05:40 AM

What about sham poo?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Paul Reade
Date: 21 Dec 23 - 06:46 AM

My favourite parliamentary one:-

Dennis Skinner MP: “Half the Tory members opposite are crooks”

Mr Speaker: “The honourable member MUST withdraw that remark”

Skinner: “OK, half the Tories are NOT crooks”


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Severn
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 11:25 PM

Isn't "funny witticisms" overly redundant?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:42 AM

But probably not as redundant as "witty witticisms".

"It's no fun to drink alone, until you've had two or three".

Martin Mull (or was it him, who the hell knows)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:47 AM

Well I wanted the thread to be more amusing than not. Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 03:03 PM

Never work with animals or children.
W. C. Fields


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:27 PM

I use that one a lot, especially when precocious little brats are interviewed on the telly, especially the little smarties in school uniform. Buttock-clenching in the extreme. Give me animals any day.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 04:57 PM

but old father christmas has to work with both


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:22 PM

Whatever lights your tree....


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 05:29 PM

The first mate wrote in the ship's log: "The captain was drunk this morning." The captain made it clear that that would not do, so the mate crossed out "drunk", wrote in "sober", and initialed the change.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:48 PM

Not exactly a witticism, but a funny mistake I saw when using closed captions on TV. Automated systems can be confusing.
A newscaster was explaining about Donald Trump's latest harangue to denigrate anyone who disagreed with him:

"Just last month the former president referred to his opponents as Vermont."
(Yes, the human said "vermin".)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 06:51 PM

A couple seen on t-shirts:-

          SAVE THE PLANET
It's the only one with chocolate

------------- " -------------

    A DOG IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
With a little imagination and a stock cube,
       it can last through to Boxing Day

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 08:25 PM

Almost lost in the annals of time, when I was a teacher in Walthamstow we used a textbook called Biology For Life. Some Year 10 wag had added under the title, in thick felt tip, "Not just for Christmas."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Dec 23 - 09:34 PM

If not funny, are they half-witticisms?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 02:58 AM

P VICTOR HUGO


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:01 AM

Puns are the droppings of soaring wits Victor Hugo


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 03:46 AM

Some witticisms are simply unfunny, so I reject that criticism!

A pun-dit?

Cue a definition of hunour...........


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:03 AM

Another t-shirt one:-

So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 04:19 AM

"Cue a definition of hunour"

The art of acting like a Hun.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 08:16 AM

Seen on the wall of a gents bog

Nick fucks sheep

I'm Nick and I only fuck good looking sheep

I'm a sheep and I only fuck good looking Nicks

I'm a shepherd and while I was reading this someone nicked all my fucking sheep


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 05:08 PM

I am reminded of being with a Brit who parked too close to the corner. I said, you might get nicked. He admired my command of British slang, but I had meant Dented.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 23 - 09:35 PM

"Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot" [Airplane!]


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:16 PM

... but don't worry about that now.

And don't call me Shirley!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 02:50 PM

"A hospital! What is it?"

"It's a big building with patients, but that isn't important right now..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 24 - 03:59 PM

"The cockpit! What is it?"

"It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit. But that's not important right now."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM

While there is a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven indicates where the traffic jams are.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 10:35 AM

War is when both sides agree...














to be merciless


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 01:55 PM

That is neither a witticism nor is it funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 03:05 PM

A good compromise leaves both sides equally unhappy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:22 PM

Illegitimes non carborundum.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 06:32 PM

I wept because I had no shoes
Until I met a man who had no class


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 24 - 07:42 PM

Avoid disappointment: give up hope.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 04:36 AM

Once in a blue moon = 1.167 * 10^-8 Hz.
Two's company, three's fun.
Nine women can't make a baby in a month.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 05:26 AM

My dad, a devout Catholic, once said that he'd start to believe in miracles at Lourdes when a one-legged man returned from Lourdes with two legs.


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Subject: RE: BS: editorial
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:48 AM

Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 06:59 AM

That was a real knee-slapper, Don.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:11 AM

Yeah, fer chrissake. It succeeds except on two levels: it isn't funny and it isn't witty.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:29 AM

Today modern prosthetics accomplish the miracle that Lourdes can not.
Among the most devout in cults, religion, and politics are the most brainwashed.

What is most relevant in wit is truth, not how funny any given person will find the most amusement. An example of wit could include a Zen Koan or a clever retort.

Steve may arbitrarily assign narrow parameters on humor or wit but thank goodness he shall never be the sole judge and jury of any subject. His editorials on wit or humor are as ridiculous as insisting all poetry must obey the rules of a limerick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 07:55 AM

Your understanding of what a witticism is is on par with you understanding of what a joke is. You can call a turd a chocolate souffle but it still smells like shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 08:49 AM

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will always regret. Besides the one-sentence post was the result of mod editing and not my doing. The endless editorials by the usual subjects are as toxic as ever. The tempest in Steve's teacup is as poisonous as ever.

You are perfectly entitled to go with the general flow but remember only dead fish always go with the flow. Weak people revenge with lies, strong people forgive but intelligent people ignore.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 08:57 AM

No regrets, Don.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:06 AM

You can't ignore, can you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:09 AM

Not when some attention addict continues to muck up threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:47 AM

"The tempest in Steve's teacup is as poisonous as ever."

I started this in the hope of our having a nice, lighthearted thread. Most of the input, yet none of yours, has been in that spirit. So let me just say that I find that sentence to be ever so slightly, er, odd...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 09:52 AM

I forgive your lies. Most of my content is not mine and has no ego attachment to it. Most of your posts are responses without content but the little content you provide is fairly good.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 10:11 AM

Anyway, back to the substantive!

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Suppose there were no hypothetical questions...?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 10:32 AM

There is only 2 things I hate. Racial prejudice and Belgians...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 11:16 AM

Early to bed and early to rise,
A true indication of social demise.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 03 Jan 24 - 11:17 AM

Why is there no alternative word for thesarus?

Robin


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 11:47 AM

Stupidity is not a crime so the politician is free to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 12:11 PM

I thought the Thesaurus was kaput after the K-P extinction event.

I'll get me...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 01:02 PM

...than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 24 - 02:06 PM

Be careful not to speak clearer than you think.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 02:56 AM

Money can't buy happiness but it can make misery a lot more comfortable


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:06 AM

"Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you."
-Joseph Heller


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:11 AM

Seen on a wall over a urinal-
Don't look up here, the joke is in your hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 07:56 AM

Going for a wee: I'm just off to shake hands with the wife's best friend. Or, less optimistically, off to shake hands with the unemployed.

Or, to show off when cheek by jowl with another bloke in the gents, "Jeez, this porcelain's cold..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 10:23 AM

Mom always wondered why Going Out (with someone) was a euphemism for Sleeping With. Don't they Stay In to do that?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 06:33 PM

I always wondered why 'sleeping with' was a euphemism for fornication. I remember in my younger years reading of a woman who, reportedly, had 'once slept with twenty-six members of a bike gang'. I don't know about you, but the mental image that gives me is of a really, really wide bed, with her in the middle, and approximately thirteen hairy-and-scary brutes on each side of her, snoring peacefully ....


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 24 - 07:41 PM

That's the After picture.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:10 AM

Mom always wondered why Going Out (with someone) was a euphemism for Sleeping With.

That may have been more in Mom's mind than in fact. It's not just beauty that is in the eye of the beholder.

For me, 'going out' signifies dating. They could be have having a sexual relationship but, on the other hand, the young lady may be preserving her modesty for her wedding night.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Rain Dog
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:24 AM

I once heard the expression "Does anyone go near you at all?" When theg were asking someone if they were dating anyone?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:34 AM

Another euphemism for indulging in an intimate relationship was "carrying on" when I lived oop north.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 04:54 AM

"Carrying on" had the implication of an illicit, extra-marital relationship where I came from.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 24 - 05:16 AM

Getting back to the witticisms:-

“English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.”

Anonymous (unless anyone knows better!)

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 10 Jan 24 - 05:23 PM

In Ireland we generally have either very tall presidents or very tiny presidents. One of the tiny ones was Sean T O'Kelly, universally known as Seán T, who also had a very tall wife. One day he was given the honour of throwing in the ball at the All-Ireland Hurling Final. As the crowd fell reverently silent, one shouted, "Cut the grass, we can't see the President!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 11:55 AM

Along the same lines:

A local personage of some considerable girth was MCing a concert. He approached the microphone to begin the proceedings, as a friend of mine had his head turned, talking away to his neighbour. The sizable MC said, "Ken, do you mind? We want to get started." Ken turned and said, "Oh, sorry - I couldn't see you there behind the mike-stand!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 12:02 PM

Response to a heckler "when they circumsised you they thew away the wrong bit" attributed to Joe Stead


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Jan 24 - 01:39 PM

I was reminded of a cartoon. Three women standing. One says, And this is my significant mother.

Freudian slip:
When you mean to say one thing and accidentally say your mother.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 03:20 AM

I'm pinching the weird English one, Doug :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 06:50 PM

Then there is this…

The King’s English

    Anonymous

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead --
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat…
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose --
Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart,
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Sakes alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Reinhard
Date: 17 Jan 24 - 01:46 AM

Very nice, Mrrzy! But then there's also

THE CHAOS

Dr. Gerard Nolst Trenité
(Netherlands, 1870-1946)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,

    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;1

    Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
    Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

    Just compare heart, hear and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).

    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,

    But be careful how you speak,
    Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;

    Woven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

    Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,

    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,

    Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
    Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.

    Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
    Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.

    This phonetic labyrinth
    Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,

    Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
    Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.

    Discount, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.

    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.

    Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
    Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;

    Would it tally with my rhyme
    If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?

    Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
    Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,

    You'll envelop lists, I hope,
    In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.

    To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
    Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.

    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.

    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

    Petal, penal, and canal,
    Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",

    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.

    Pussy, hussy and possess,
    Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.

    Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",

    Making, it is sad but true,
    In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

    Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.

    Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
    Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.

    Mind! Meandering but mean,
    Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,

    Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
    Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?

    Prison, bison, treasure trove,
    Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.

    Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
    Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;

    Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
    Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.

    Evil, devil, mezzotint,
    Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,

    Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
    Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,

    Funny rhymes to unicorn,
    Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.

    No. Yet Froude compared with proud
    Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,

    Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
    Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,

    But you're not supposed to say
    Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,

    How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
    When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,

    Episodes, antipodes,
    Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,

    Rather say in accents pure:
    Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,

    Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
    Wan, sedan and artisan.

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.

    Say then these phonetic gems:
    Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em -

    Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
    Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it;

    With and forthwith, one has voice,
    One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.

    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,

    Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
    Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners

    Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
    Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,

    Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
    Put, nut, granite, and unite

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

    Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
    Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;

    Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it

    Bona fide, alibi
    Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,

    Rally with ally; yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

    Never guess - it is not safe,
    We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,

    Face, but preface, then grimace,
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;

    Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,

    With the sound of saw and sauce;
    Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.

    Respite, spite, consent, resent.
    Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

    Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
    Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid, vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),

    G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
    I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.

    Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
    Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -
Is a paling, stout and spiky.

    Won't it make you lose your wits
    Writing groats and saying 'grits'?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,

    Islington, and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??

Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jan 24 - 01:23 PM

Tops!

I am reminded of someone re:Pirates of Penzance, wondering whether it was that the Brits couldn't spell Rafe, or that they couldn't pronounce Ralph.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: BobL
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 06:44 AM

English is a bastard language, its strange pronunciations & spellings inherited from many different tongues. Curiously it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".
Lockheed: the Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 07:34 AM

I have never heard the wag version of 'Vagner' the composer.
I do hear people dropping the ing for in and dropping the d at the end of a word or saying axe instead of ask.

Americans pronounce the er at the end of a word while some English turn it into a soft a. These are more like language pet peeves than witticisms.

The thing about English is that it is the official language of the sky and is spoken by all professional pilots when flying. You just can't say Mayday unless you are in a life-and-death situation.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 04:32 PM

I queastion "Irish "Lough Head" would have become "log-head", so they changed the spelling" ... Isn't it more likely they simply (mis)spelled Lough Head [pronounced in Irish] phonetically? That's why Wooster, Mass, etc...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 08:56 PM

' it's the USA, the melting pot of the world, which felt a need to standardize. Hence:

Wagner: the German "varg" became "wag".
Warwick: the English "worrick" became "war-wick".'

Seems to me it's nothing to do with "a need to standardize"; it's just pronouncing names the way they are spelled - you know, because you're a simple peasant who's never heard one of their betters say, "Varg(?)ner" or "Worrick".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 24 - 10:28 PM

Right.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:59 AM

Rafe/Ralph - someone who was an ace observer of English class consciousness told me many years ago that "Rafe" was a gutty pronunciation regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types (who also, apparently regarded their royal family as rather infra dig).


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 07:48 AM

Isn't there a language thread open for the peevish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:04 PM

Not a witticism nor a criticism, just an observation: as a North American, I suppose, I have no idea of the meaning of that post just made by Thompson. Divided by one language, and all that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:05 PM

"a common language", that is ....


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:19 PM

... regarded with distaste by the Nancy Mitford types ...

Talking of Nancy Mitford, let's get back to the witticisms:-



“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.”
- Nancy Mitford

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 05:33 PM

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 11:00 AM

Theodore Roosevelt. "I am an American; free born and free bred, where I acknowledge no man as my superior, except for his own worth, or as my inferior, except for his own demerit."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Thompson
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 12:13 PM

Oh, I'm not peevish about Rafe/Ralph, Gillymor, just fascinated by snobberies.
Meanwhile, back to wit: GB Shaw - "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always rely on the support of Paul."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 04:02 PM

Meself, it's spelled Ralph, pronounced Rafe. So,is Rafe misspelled, or Ralph mispronounced?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 10:10 PM

... uh ... I dunno ... much as I'm flattered - why ya asking me?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Feb 24 - 04:45 AM

> is Rafe misspelled, or Ralph mispronounced?

Yes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: The Sandman
Date: 05 Feb 24 - 07:41 AM

Mark Twain" never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 08:26 AM

Never argue with a pedant. It wastes your time, and annoys the pedant.

Misquoted from memory...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 10:11 AM

Oscar Wilde, while being served champagne on his death bed, supposedly said "I'm dying beyond my means."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 11:55 AM

Was it Voltaire, seeing a candle by his deathbed... What, the flames already?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 12:18 PM

I think Voltaire also said, or wrote, "It's because one can be silly that the many don't hang themselves".


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 24 - 09:32 AM

But if Voltaire had not existed, it would not have been necessary to invent him. Nietzche, I think. Well, I know he said it about someone who'd said that if god hadn't existed it would have been necessary to invent him.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Sol
Date: 18 Feb 24 - 07:35 PM

Yogi Bera - the king of (unintended?) witticisms.
Yogi Bera quotes


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: meself
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 12:33 PM

I like those Yogi Berra quotes - although I'm not sure why anyone would bother quoting, "It's fun; baseball's fun" or "I'm glad I was in the Navy" ... and there are a few that strike me more as 'Yogi Berra inspired' than as authentic, such as, "The future ain't what it used to be". Of course, I could be wrong .....


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 01:31 PM

Did he say something about picanic baskets?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: MudGuard
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 03:25 PM

When I was young, everything was better. Even the future ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funny witticisms
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM

Reminds me of, "The older I get the better I was".

(Smarter than the avuhrage bear!)


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