BS: Humour, Impromptu lines

Subject: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 10:26 AM

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I was reading Rick's "Funny" thread and got thinking about some of my favourite lines that I was actually there for. I'm sure that some of you have some beauties to share.

A gruup of my buddies have an annual Golf trip to Wheeling, West Virginia. One of the reasons we go there is that it is ridiculously inexpensive compared to Toronto. We pay about $5.00 for a drink in Canada, about $1.50 in Wheeling. One year in Wheeling we were in a cab on the way to our local when we passed a club that hadn't been there the year before. I asked the cab driver, a crotchety old West Virginian what the new place was like. He replied, "I don't know for sure, but I hear it's real expensive." I seized this and said "what would a feller have to pay for a mixed drink in there?" He replied, "Well, I ain't never been there, but I hear it's $1.75" My buddy in the back seat doesn't miss a beat and says vehemently "Thievin' Bastards".

I was at an Art Showing at a pretty upscale place in Toronto. I must also say that I'm a weirdo magnet. If there's one in the crowd, they find me. So this strange looking guy with a weird accent starts talking to me. I try to have a normal conversation with him, but anything I say he has a cryptic answer. I'm trying to come up with something that he has to give a straight reply, so I ask him what he does for a living. He gives me this superior look and says "I am the Ruler of The World." I looked him right in the eye and said "great, do you have a business Card?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 10:39 AM

I always like it when I make a great pun without having intended to. It's like my hindbrain is funnier than I am! Thievin' indeed!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:42 AM

Come on folks, some of you must have some great one liners of your own or that you were there for.

'Spaw? Rick?

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: sophocleese
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:49 AM

Far too often the perfect one-liner comes an hour or a day too late. I was really proud of myself the day somebody suggested that a new name for his band could be Oatmeal Savages and I replied "What? A Cereal Killer?"

Also at Halloween I took my kids up to school in their costumes for the Halloween parade around the halls. A very cute little scene as 4 to 8 year olds in various getups marched solemnly around. A lot of doting mothers were hovering at one end of the hallway with cameras and I laughed and told them they were the Mamarazzi.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:52 AM

Good ones Sophocleese

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bardford
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:04 PM

We have a family reunion on the land my grandparents lived on. Going for a drive with my uncle, we pass the old schoolhouse, no longer in use. Half a dozen deer are in the yard. I say " Jeez, Marvin, there's a half a dozen deer in the schoolyard." Uncle Marvin says "It must be recess."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:25 PM

I got off a banjo line that at least I thought was funny.

This guy says, I've always wanted to learn to play banjo. I say, Great- you're welcome to join us. He says, But I don't have a banjo. I say, Even better- you can fake it.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: annamill
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:45 PM

After I separated from my ex-husband I started thinking about my appereance in a new light. I was very thin then (not now though---thats another joke) and had small breasts. I was seriously considering getting implants and I called my ex and told him my thoughts and asked him what HE thought about it.

He sad "Get one done. If you like it, get the other one done".

After he and were separated for a while, I start drinking rather heavily, not from depression, just bordom. Well, anyway, when talking to him I mentioned that I had been gaining weight and I didn't like it. "Try running back and forth to the liquor store" he quipped.

Maybe that's why we were married for 17 years ;-)

My son, who is now 24, inherited his quick sense of humor.

One day he was very upset with me for reasons I won't go into. Really angry, but he kept his mouth shut, not wanting to argue.

Later in the day, I was feeling tired and went and sat down next to him and said "James, I don't want to get old".

"I don't want you to get old either, Mom.". It took me a minute, then I cracked up laughing and he smiled too.

Love, annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bert
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:51 PM

While complaining about how the ads on TV get longer and closer together towards the end of a good film; our son Chad quips "It's the Doppler effect"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 01:40 PM

Two incidents:

Years ago, when I worked for a US District Court, I had a document that needed a judge's signature. So I went to this judge, and said, lightly, with a smile, "Judge, I need your auto-giraffe!" Never dropping a beat, he said, "Sorry, my giraffe's a windup model!"

Many years ago, in a semi-social situation, I was talking with a very bright woman, who mispronounced a word--I forget what. Being young and callow, overimpressed with my own erudition, and (as I see it now) bereft of social graces, I corrected her. Instantly sensing that it was a wrong thing to say, I tried to patch it up by saying, "Pardon me; I'm a hopeless pedant!" BOOM!--without a second's pause she replied, "No, that's pronounced PEAS-ant!" I think the fact that I almost fell on the floor laughing saved the day.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 03:46 PM

A former coworker said she was going to study continential philosophy. I said, yeah, that's where they give you a donut and a cup of coffee.

I know there's a bunch, cause I laugh at almost anything; it's just hard to remember when someone asks you.

Mister is a pretty funny guy. One day, out of the blue, he said, ya know, sometimes ya pokes the cow, sometimes the cow pokes you.

One he bogarted from an old friend is this little poime: A bear sleeps in a bear skin, I suppose; I slept in my bare skin and damn near froze.

Some of you know I liked Phil Hartman's Unfrozen Caveman bit he did on Saturday Night Live. Last summer we were driving through Atlanta and passed a place called Stone Age Tattoos. Mister says, look, you can get your Unfrozen Caveman tattoo there! :)

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 06:51 PM

So I'm at Cumberland Falls after a day of hiking the gorge below and my friend and I are "accosted" by a pair of witnessing type Bible thumpers. They wave some form of pamphlet with drawings of Christ on the cover and one says, "Do ya' want to read about Jesus?" Without a seconds pause I replied, "No thanks, I got a "Batman" in the truck." It stopped them flat.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:04 PM

yep...I got a couple: (LOTS, if my memory were better)

years ago, my ex-wife and I were standing in the den talking to a friend..(TOTALLY forget who now..)...when suddenly, I felt a buildup of gas in my nether regions...and *brrrrrraaappp*...I let loose with an enormous fart!...well, there was this awkward pause, as I tried to summon some apology...when, from my wife there came this tiny little *poot*..about .072% the size of mine. She looked up innocently, and with a perfectly straight face says, "It took me a minute to think of the answer."

During those same years, we raised a baby fox..(whole story in itself)...but one day, we found this half-grown fox scooting around on it's bottom, obviously uncomfortable. We grabbed him and investigated and found that he had eaten some chewing gum, which had passed thru without being digested, and was thoroughly matted in the hair around his anus...*sigh*...so, we trimmed, pulled, and cleaned...etc...and that evening, we told the story to my friend Dwain....he listened to the story politely as we raved about POOR fox, chewing gum, clean up...etc...then remarked knowingly,

"so....chickled the shit out of him huh?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Morticia
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:09 PM

I was packing groceries in the supermarket with my daughter one night and rather imperiously I said " Bag"....to which she replied, quick as a flash " Slut"....oh how we laughed!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Midchuck
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:14 PM

So we're driving around in the Salt Lake area and my kid says that he heard that some of the LDS young men are no longer being required to travel away from home to do their mandatory missionary work. They're allowed to stay home and keep their regular jobs and at night they get on their computers and prosletize (sp?) over the internet.

I thought he was serious and opined it was a good idea.

He says, yes, they call it a nocturnal e-mission.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: kendall
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:22 PM

I sometimes have a problem with strangers asking personal questions. A couple of years ago, my knee was bothering me, so, a neighbor loaned me a magnetic bandage. With this rather large colorful bandage around my knee, I walked into a small store in a small Maine town, and a lady asked "Oh, what's wrong with you knee"? I answered, "My wife and I were doing it like dogs do, and she ran up under the porch!" I thought sure she would be chagrined, but, she laughed so hard,\, she may have wet herself.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: CarolC
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:52 PM

I'm hoping someone can help me out with this one.

When I was at the grocery store tonight, someone I don't know came up to me and asked me if I still play the oboe. I have never played the oboe in my life. He must have seen me in a performance, playing my tenor recorder.

The best I could come up with was "No, I play the accordion now". I can't help thinking I missed some kind of golden opportunity for a good come-back. Anyone got a good one for that kind of situation?

Carol

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: rangeroger
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:32 PM

I was walking through my front yard with the banjo player in the bluegrass band I played in.I noticed my dog licking himself rather vigorously and commented "I sure wish I could do that."

Cliff immediately said " Why don't you ask him? Maybe he'll let you."

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Sorcha
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 12:15 AM

Not my best, but the only one I can remember just now:

I was about 12 and Mum, Sissie and I were putting up the Christmas Tree while Dad snoozed in the recliner......(typical, no?). One bulb on a a string of lights would not work, and Mum was fussing. I said,
"Well, screw it......"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: The Shambles
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 08:45 AM

A little ashamed of this one. Someone said "don't take the piss out of old people"....... I replied, "they have bags for that".

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Peter T.
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 01:49 PM

Some jokes, even bad ones, are so perfect that you know that you have been given them from on high, and that no one else in history will realistically ever have this chance again. When I was at university I had a friend who was going to be a doctor, and they locked him up one night in the anatomy department. He was telling me this story, and about how he couldn't get out, and I said: "Since it was the anatomy department, you should have used a skeleton key." He bought me a drink on the strength of that.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 02:11 PM

When I first came to Wash DC, I attended open mic nights at the old Red Fox Inn..I was a rank amateur, but they were tolerant folk..*grin*...so I sang a few times, and the host, Bruce Hutton, always had a nice thing to say about almost anyone...so one night it was my turn, and Bruce said, "next we have Bill Day....I've never heard him repeat a song."

I raised my eyebrows as I stepped up to the mic and said..."Well, Bruce, a song needs a little time to recover from what I do to it."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 07:53 AM

Well, this happened last night at the open mike coffeehouse...

I was on stage with friends in the miniscule audience. We had been having fun all night with comments flying between the audience and whoever was on stage. I was noodling around on the guitar as the sound person adjusted the guitar mike when Charlie pipes up with a comment about the A string being sharp. Alison turns to him and in a loud voice says, "Oh right, this from a banjo player!" The audience laughed and when they quieted I commented, "What makes it even funnier is that his other crime is he also plays the concertina!"

Which brings up another one that I heard back a long time ago. We were at a festival and met a guy who played banjo and concertina. In talking to him we found out he was also a lawyer. Alison is not one to miss a bet when it comes to one liners. She looked him in the eye and said, "Then you must be the butt of all the jokes."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,hughmurf
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 08:47 AM

While attending a birthday party for a friend who had turned forty He turned to his wife and said "Honey, when you turn forty I'm going to trade you in on two twenty's". She looked at him and responded "Cass, your not wired to two twenty". I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to bust a gut.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 09:07 AM

My Beautiful Wife and I were at the grocery store. While she dealt with the checkout gal, I was at the end of the belt, packing the groceries in bags. Looking up from her purse, she called out loudly, "Dave, I'm short!"

"Wear vertical stripes!"

Dave O.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bernard
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 11:55 AM

I was being heckled by someone who was too thick to take the hint, and was annoying the audience rather more than he was annoying me.

As he was spoiling the entertainment for everyone else, I looked him in the eye and said: 'We call people like you baiters - and I reckon you're a master at it!'.

The rest of the audience got the joke straight away, but he took a few moments to realise what I had said. He shut up after that...

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: jaze
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 12:07 PM

My sister from W. Va. brought her kids to Phila. for a visit. While walking along a busy avenue, my nephew spotted a police officer with a dog in a harness walking his beat. Awed, he turned and said,"Gee, Mom, I never saw a blind cop before"!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 02:17 PM

Driving with my Dad one day we spotted a poor fellow so misaligned that his cheek actually rested on his shoulder. As he walked by, Dad said,"It was whiskey did that."I said "if it WAS whiskey, it's because someone hit him with the bottle." The only time I made him laugh.

My husband was learning to drive a stick shift out in the country where there were a lot of dairy farms. The car was doing a lot of jerking & lunging. When he came home I asked him how he did. He said,"Even the Mother F------ Cows were laughing at me."

Hubby & I were passing thru this same area, when the smell of manure was so strong, Icouldn't resist saying "Jim did you do that?" ""No Mick, I'm only a little fella."

I'm driving buy a house where I know alot of Retarded people live and Jim waves at a lady in the front yard. I said, "do you know she's retarded?" He Says,"You mean she waves at everybody?"

I have great memories of a wonderful, funny guy.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Melani
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 01:59 PM

This past Saturday we did a living history Christmas event at Hyde St. Pier, where the premise was that the year was 1901, and all the living history people spoke of that time in the present tense. ("Let's see, that was five years ago--1896, remember?") A troop of Boy Scouts were listening to the ship's cook go on about how many times he had rounded Cape Horn, as he whittled on a piece of wood. When he asked "Any questions?" one of the boys said, "Yeah, where'd you get that Swiss Army knife?" Without missing a beat, he replied "Switzerland--on our last voyage there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: NightWing
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:52 PM

I'm never very good at this sort of thing. There is a French phrase I remember seeing somewhere once. I don't remember the French for it, but it translates into English as (something like) "wit of the staircase".

IOW, that joke, retort, put-down, comeback, etc that you needed fifteen minutes ago and is now too late. I'm a past master at those. *G*

BB,
NightWing

P.S. Does anyone know what that French phrase is? I tried putting "wit of the staircase" into Babelfish and got "esprit d'escalier". I suppose that's at least possible?

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:54 PM

l'esprit d'escalier.

The Germans also have the identical phrase, albeit in German,

Treppenwitz

-Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:57 PM

I posted this in a different thread and realized it belonged here. My grandmother was once told, about some personal trait, "It must be the Italian in you."

Quicker than thought, she shot back: "I've never had an Italian in me."

(She was known for her trucker/railway vocabulary -- she lived a very hard life and picked up some very colorful expressions along the way!)

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bardford
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:05 PM

I used to work in a hospital eye clinic. As I was setting up the equipment for a visual field test, the patient asked me how long I'd been doing this. I jokingly said - "Actually just since lunch time. Normally I work in the booth in the parkade, but they're very short staffed here. "
The guy didn't miss a beat. "That's okay, I'm doing this test for my brother."I laughe for days.

Another one:
My love comes home from the video store. "I got Quigley Down Under," says she.
"You should get some penicillin," says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:55 PM

This weekend I went to see my stepmother, and went over to my stepsister's house to do a little target shooting with her husband. Afterwards we came in the house for a snack and were watching CMT, when a Shania Twain video came on. My stepbrother-in-law said to his wife, "Listen! If you looked like THAT, lemme tellya, you'd have to get two jobs because I would not f****ing go to work!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: RichM
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:58 PM

Our singer introduces the Song Molly Malone, as being about a fishmonger; and goes on to say "but that's not all she was selling..."

Right away, my hind brain takes over and blurts out "but it smells like fish, doesn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 10:37 AM

In my hockey playing days I taught at a goaltending school that was run by one of the most colourful characters I've ever known. George ran the school like a Marine Drill Sergeant, always yelling at the top of his lungs, making us do bare handed push ups on the ice if we messed up, he has worn a brush cut his entire life and his face certainly didn't hide the fact that he had been a hockey goalie long before the facemask was invented.

He was also ridiculously punctual. His idea of being on time for something was to be there at least an hour early. One morning I had invited a friend of mine who was studying Physical Education to come and lecture the students on Nutrition. He is also one of the quickest wits I've ever known. The session was to begin at 9:30. at 9:00 George was all over me asking where my friend was. I assured him that not only would he be there, he would be on time. By 9:15 George was in full panic mode, saying we'd have to change the lecture, I'd have to ad lib something. Again I assured him my buddy would show.

At 9:25 my friend walked into the foyer of the arena. There were students and parents milling around. George says in his loudest voice "well, it's about time". My buddy smiles and says as loudly "George, nice to see you in Mens clothes." The parents broke up and it was the only time in my life I saw George stumped for a comeback.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Whistle Stop
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 12:59 PM

When I was around 18 or so a friend of mine became the first of our gang to become a father, which was pretty big news to the rest of us. The next year his second child was born, and a few months later we learned that his wife was expecting their third. I was telling someone else about this, and happened to mention that my young-father friend was one of eight kids himself. The person nodded and said "well, it must be in his genes". Right away I said "yeah, but if I were him I would have left it there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 01:30 PM

Rich! For heaven's sakes!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: kendall
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 01:44 PM

When I went to Jamaica, one of the touristy things I did was to climb Dunns River Falls. This is a gradual incline in a river bed which is mostly rocks with a few inches of water running down to the sea. There were about 20 of us in the group, and we were climbing in a line, with each of us holding the hand of the person in front and in back. The lady behind me was a bit large, and didnt have a lot of leg power, so, she was quite a load to pull up the rocks. About half way up, I turned to her and asked "What happens when we get to the top..do we get to spawn"? she laughed so hard she lost ALL her leg power, and we had to stop while she recovered..

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Krause
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 02:10 PM

This is an old family story. My Aunt Helen is one of those quick witted punsters who speaks before she thinks. Grandpa is in the hospital for what turns out to be the last time before his death. He knows he hasn't long, but something comes to mind, and he can't resist the complaint; I have forgotten about what. He ends with "At least I won't have to put up with much longer." Aunt Helen without missing a beat says, "Yeah, you lucky stiff." Aunts and Uncles all of a sudden stifle caughs, and have to blow their noses, or at the very least inspect their shoes. Of course Aunt Helen can't figure out what's going on.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 00 - 05:15 PM

On a family car trip, many years ago, with my Beautiful Wife, and two kidlets in the back seat, we drove into an area just before some construction, and there were period periodic rumble strips to make traffic slow down. After the second or third rumble, my three-year-old daughter piped up: "Daddy make the car go tooty!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bert
Date: 13 Dec 00 - 05:20 PM

Yeah Dave, we call them 'fart strips'

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 12:39 PM

Here's one of my own:

My mother-in-law took my wife and me to her local supper club for dinner. (To folks outside the upper Midwest USA: "Supper club" is rather a rather quaint term. It is mainly associated with small towns -- the kind of towns that have only 2 places to eat: a cafe on main street that serves only breakfast and lunch, and another fancier place a little ways out of town, maybe in a more scenic location. The fancier place would be called a supper club. They offer mostly steak, potatoes, and salad bar, but you usually get a cloth napkin and a candle on your table.)

This place had a self-service coatroom. I noticed the hangers were the kind you sometimes see in motels: The upper part forms a complete ring around the bar, so you can't remove it. I decided to skip hanging up my coat, and wear it into the dining room instead. I said, "If they don't trust me with their coat hanger, why should I trust them with my coat?"

(I didn't think it was anything to brag about, but my wife and mother-in-law thought it was awfully clever.)

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 01:31 PM

Here's one you can use (if you ever need to):

My wife's band once gave a concert and literally no one came - at least not on time. It wasn't their fault. They had been hired to play at an Irish festival which was being held in the local armory. There was lots of stuff going on in the main hall but the concerts were being held in little side rooms that weren't very well marked. I think people either just weren't aware there was a concert going on, or had trouble finding the room.

Anyway, several minutes after the concert was scheduled to start, ONE person walked in the door. My wife said, "At last! We have an audient!"

I THOUGHT this was an impromptu pun, but it turns out it had been going around for a while among her circle of musician friends. She was surprised, though, when I looked it up and found that "audient" is a perfectly good word. It means "one who listens." But "audience" is NOT simply the plural of "audient," although the joke depends on its seeming so.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: sophocleese
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 05:46 PM

I was reminded of this from the thread about words that are fun to say.

A woman at our song circle sang a song which had the word purloined in it. She commented about how much fun it was to sing it and that started a brief discussion about its meaning. Finally somebody said that just as purloin is to remove or take away to purvey is to bring ao take to: purloin and purvey. I quickly asked if it worked like that with sirloin and survey.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 May 02 - 10:33 AM

some years ago, i was working with a colleague at the side of a main road.

a car pulled up near us and the driver indicated he needed directions.

'am i going the right way for oulton park ?'

i replied saying 'yes, you carry on down here, then you fork off to the right'

after the man drove away, my colleague bursting with mirth looked at me saying 'did you know you just told him to fork off!'

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Trevor
Date: 23 May 02 - 10:58 AM

Somebody in one of our pub seshes had been playing the pipes - and he's a learner. When he finished another of the crowd leaned over and said in a quiet but serious voice 'I think they need worming...'.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Krause
Date: 23 May 02 - 11:09 AM

Some pals and I were playing a little gig up on the University campus some years ago. While one of them was messing about trying to put his instrument in tune, I tried to keep the momentum going by talking to the audience. Having nothing better to say, I asked "So, how many bluegrass fans are there here tonight?" Some applause, and a few cheers. "That's good, real good." And after a pause, I said, "We don't play any of that." And as the audience laughed, we launched into the next tune. I've since used that routine quite often, and it never fails. Figure that one out.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 23 May 02 - 12:46 PM

a woman I knew was listening to her husband read a newspaper article about a local lawyer who was being brought up on charges that he had used his position to take "unwanted liberties" with female clients...

she listened with bemused attention, then commented "hmmmm...sounds like 'tit for tort' to me"

her husband retold that to his buddies for weeks!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Bullfrog Jones (on the road)
Date: 23 May 02 - 01:06 PM

If you'll forgive me, a couple of my own: A bunch of us had been to an all day outdoor concert at Hopetoun House in Scotland, featuring Steve Earle and Emmylou Harris. Great show, except for the last act on, Little Feat. Major disappointment -- Lowell George would have been spinning in his grave at the self indulgent, psuedo-jazz noodling. Anyway, we took the hint and thought we'd join the throngs leaving the arena. Our way out took us through an area which was obviously normally occupied by cows, who had left much evidence of their passing(!) The Beloved managed to step right into one enormous cowpat and our friend Sophie said 'I just did that'. Quick as a flash I said 'No, I think it was a cow'.
Oh how we laughed.
Another time I was at a session which was just about to get under way when a stranger arrived, deposited his instrument case and went to the bar for a drink. We all sat there looking at the case, which was a tall box, wondering what instrument it could be (turned out to be Highland bagpipes). One girl wondered out loud 'What comes in a box?' to which I replied 'A necrophiliac?'
Oh how we retched.