Song Challenge! - Part 57

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Don Henderson
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 11:59 AM

Rob, I am truly humbled by your ability to combine your talent for rhyming with this thread's fecalphilia epidemic (That's "an unnatural obsession with mookie stinks", to quote Mr. Mackey...) Do you keep a thesaurus at your desk, or does it all just come out naturally (not unlike the "civet beans")?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 01:57 PM

I find the Thesaurus to be a cumbersome beast. But I do find the subject to be "food" for thought. I just remember a funny word for poop, find a funny rhyme for it and build up to it! Thanks Aine, this is the funniest concept I have come accross in a long time. Lets face it, Cats are funny, yuppie pretention is funny, and bodily functions are funny. Yuppies drinking cat crap! Now that is funny!!! It is even funnier than "Jelqing" (I'm not going to say what it is, if you're curious look it up!) and I didn't think that was possible.

Don I would like to return the compliment. Aine out to give you the "Ben Johnson" award for getting your song off to the fastest start. You had me rolling on the floor at "Gag reflex". Obviously your writing must be chemically enhanced!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Don Henderson
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 02:11 PM

VERSE 1

Have you grown bored with the regular java
Need something bold for your sense of taste?
A volcanic eruption of feline ass-lava
Coffee that's brewed from a civet's own waste!

CHORUS

These beans come from a civet's anus,
And that's what makes our coffee famous!
We charge a lot, but who can blame us?
You'll pay that much, you ignoramus!

VERSE 2

These beans look nice n' brown
Even before they're brewed!
That's because they're found (on the ground)
In a pile of used civet food!

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

So sit right down, and pull up a "Stool"
We'll serve up a cup of your favorite fuel
Start your day right and we guarantee you'll
Love every bite of our coffee you chew!

REPEAT CHORUS X 2

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Don Henderson
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 02:35 PM

Thanks for the compliment, Rob. Unfortunately for all who know me, I write this way without the aid of any outside chemicals, unless you count The Mountain Dew and Tic-Tacs I keep on hand here at my work desk. I still have yet to come up with a line as funny as the one you ended your last song with, though... "Passed By Inspector Number Two"? LMAO! Lennon & McCartney have nothing on you, O Canorgian (Or is it Georgadian) Tunesmith!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 02:48 PM

Oh, yes, there are powers at work here... THEY will control the horizontal... THEY will control the vertical...

"Pull up a 'stool'..." I love it!

Wish I could come out with a few more good puns to pre-seed this next song, but I'll a-void doing so, ass I probably would've rectum. Maybe I'd better just make a movement to can it.


DIGGIN' UP BEANS
(Tune: "Diggin' Up Bones" performed by Randy Travis)

Well, last night I dug your coffee up from some ol' civet's spoor
I set it in my basket and I bent to dig up more
I got my pay last Wednesday and it didn't have much green
Yeah, I've been gettin' lean, diggin' up beans

I'm diggin' up beans (diggin' up beans)
For brewin' in your single-cup machine
You'll drink it in the mornin' on your mansion's mezzanine
While tonight I'm gettin' lean, diggin' up beans


When I went through my pantry, I found out that it was bare
No pretty pastries like you buy in Starbucks over there
You pay 300-plus for coffee, just so you'll be seen
While tonight I'm gettin' lean, diggin' up beans

I'm diggin' up beans (diggin' up beans)
You think it's such a nice, bucolic scene
What clothes I've got are reeking, and you're dressed up like a queen
While tonight I'm gettin' lean, diggin' up beans


While you go through your jewelry and you pick a pretty ring
I sift sh*t through my fingers and I give that cr*p a fling
Across this lonely berry patch to vent my starving spleen
Yeah, tonight I'm gettin' lean, diggin' up beans

I'm diggin' up beans (diggin' up beans)
The boss just raised my quota to be mean
You pinch your nose and drink your coffee, feelin' so serene
While tonight I'm gettin' lean, diggin' up beans


(According to the COWPIE website, the original song was written by Paul Overstreet and Al Gore. ...THE Al Gore, the former Vice-President???? Can it be?)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Don Henderson
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 02:57 PM

Yeah, that's the same Al Gore! The same former VP who co-wrote "The Star Spangled Banner", "American Pie", "Stairway to Heaven", "Knockin' on Heaven's Door", and at least five songs on "Dark Side of the Moon". Then again, I'm not so sure about that... You don't think he'd claim credit for something he didn't do, do you? LOL!

Great song, btw, Sharon! I don't know how that Randy Travis song goes exactly, but found myself singing a nice melody in my head as I read your lyrics.. Never lost my rhythm once, which says a lot for your staying true to the meter while keeping the subject matter all your own.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 04:48 PM

Brace yourselves, this is the strangest one yet!
This should be performed as "coffee house" poetry, Narrated by William Shatner, with strange pauses and changes in emphasis, punctuated by bongo rolls, with a muted trumpet noodling away in the background.

Metaphysical Civet Cat

You let him loose in a coffee plantation
And let him wander without aggravation
He goes to each bush eating his fill
You never can tell but time always will

Then you put him in an impenetrable box
You batten him down and lock all the locks
Surely by now you've divined my intent
performing cerebral experiment

When we open the box I don't care if he's dead
That ain't the purpose of this little thread
What I want to know about Schrodinger's Cat
Is "Can we make java from the shit that he shat?"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Don Henderson
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 05:35 PM

Ok, here's my question Rob: Just what kind of mushrooms did you order on that pizza you had for lunch today? LOL! You have raised the bizarre bar yet again, and as always, with such style and eloquence. Any song which successfully incorporates the past tense of the word "shit" can do no wrong in my book. One thing though: I'm not too familiar with Schrodinger's work, but wasn't it B.F. Skinner who proposed the theories about mind control studies in which he claimed that he could control everything about a human's mind if he kept them in a box until they were 5 years old?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 05:37 PM

"He.... GOES.... to EACH BUSH................. (gasp) EATing his FILL..." I can just hear it! (Who could forget "MISTER TAMBOURIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNE MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN"?)

Oh, yeah, THAT Al Gore. Didn't he invent the internet, or something?

Thanks, Don, for the nice compliment. I'm trying. Sometimes I'm VERY trying!

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 06:48 PM

Sharon, Don, Rob and -- oh my lordy, derrymacash -- WOW!!!! I am floored at this throughput of talent!! I can hardly digest all the amazing lyrics being brought forth!! If lyrics were quid, I am sure we'd be flush!! We could start a campaign -- "Get Flush For Max!!".

Now it is obvious that there is something to the metaphysical side of this Cat Scat jazz, since it has caused an fiery wave of unprecedented creative energy to sweep through cyberspace, even though the brew itself was only being passed conceptually, so to speak.

As a result, even though only the thinnest of cyber-thoughts was pout in, it all came out all right, richer than we ever expected. Beautiful products, one and all, and worthy indeed of the Spawmeister's return and his Tour of Inspection.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: JenEllen
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 06:56 PM

Oh! Rob, Don, and Sharon.....(girl giggling and gasping for breath looks at monitor with tears in her eyes, barely managing a pathetic mewling noise before hitting 'submit')

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Palm Civet
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 08:18 PM

A gregorian chant

Oh civ-ets eat the Fin-est beans, that's why we harvest their La - treens to make our finest brew.

We stoop and scoop to get their poop, yup-pies will jump through an-y hoop, to perk-a-late their pooh.

Catspaw do you see a chance, that we may har-vest Flat-u-lance, What are we to do? Catspaw we missed you

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 08:23 PM

I am absolutely mystified!! Look at this richness and style -- I have never seen such routinely disciplined meter and inspired imagery in any prior Challenge!! Not to mention the Humours therein!!! Why has everyone suddenly become so perfect at rhyme and meter? It must be a mysterious phenomenon never before measured by science -- the Cat Scat Scan!!!

Wlel, if the fad for this particular brand ever dies out we can borrow a tune from "Oklahoma!" and write "Spoor Joe is Dead". (Ducks before the Civet Cyber-Bedpan flung through infinity by a wrathful Jen reaches his sector).

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,Friend Of Amos
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 08:47 PM

Thanks for the idea Amos. This one is too funny to pass up.

It doesn't taste like hospital coffee he said
What
a rich aroma
Full bodied
syrupy
with a chocolate hint
It woke
me from my coma

Where did you get it?
He implored, like it was his final word.
Where did you get it?
I ignored, like I hadn't even heard.

Then

I replied

Deadpan

The bedpan

RobDale

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 10:47 PM

Rob...I think you should check in for your own Scat Scan!!! LOL!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: JenEllen
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 11:07 PM

No fear of ducking the flying bedpans, Amos. When I'm laughing this hard, my aim stinks.

Scat-Scans....we have those....what we in the 'biz' call "FECALYZERS" (honest, tradename!) There might be a song in that yet....

~daJenerator

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jun 01 - 11:49 PM

They are adorable little critters and their unique system of passing on the abundance they feast upon is very important to ecology.

Civet Lover, I am very sorry to hear about your beautiful little creature and the poachers.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Bradypus
Date: 30 Jun 01 - 06:51 PM

So many good songs already - this one's a bit different.

The Civet's Lament

In days of old, when times were good
We civets strolled throughout the wood
With nary a care, the mood was merry
We'd sniff the air, we'd eat the cherry

Those coffee beans, we chose the best
Like lazy queens we would digest
Then leave a pile among the grass
And sit and smile at what we'd pass

We little thought those passing drops
Would soon be bought in coffee shops
That what we laid by hedge or ditch
Would soon be weighed to make men rich

The greed of man! It breaks my heart
You see them plan, they think they're smart
An awful sin! A grievous harm!
They fenced us in a battery farm.

The kopi luwak that you would drink
O turn it back! I beg you think
Of me and mine, behind these bars
We sit in line – we bear the scars

But it's a fact things have changed
Digestive tract is rearranged
No beans pass on from what we eat
The coffee's strong ... revenge is sweet!

Bradypus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: CraigS
Date: 30 Jun 01 - 08:21 PM

(Java Jive)

I like coffee, I like tea,
But I ain't touching civet shit and if like me,
You don't like this or the civet's pee,
You'll stick to Maxwell's hammer, not the civet's asses' processed

line breaks added by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Áine
Date: 30 Jun 01 - 10:33 PM

ROTFLM(sore)AO!!! I'm sure you'll all be glad to hear that mobility is returning to your deity (I'm a poet & don't know it...) -- 'course, that's the result of two days of bedrest (and mini-yoga exercises between the sheets -- oh behave, Amos) and a couple of Guinness tonight . . . he he he

. . . as I was sayin' (burp...pardon me) -- I'll be chunkin' out the Cow Chips on the morrow, the Good Lord willin' and the sewer pipes hold (as well as my sacroiliac). So, if you have any more civet sonnets up your slick sleeves, then please enter them post haste. I've got a hoot of a Challenge! comin' up (don't even think about askin' for a hint) and I'm rarin' (gently) at the bit to go. You've done a great job with this one -- our favourite saggy assed tortoise (a/k/a Catspaw) should be well pleased!

-- Your Keeper of the Book, Challenge! Mistress, Gaelic Goddess, High Priestess of the Patricus Potamus Local 69, and Songster to her Sealy Posturepedic (of late) ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,RobDale
Date: 02 Jul 01 - 12:42 AM

The Wait by the Band(ed Civet)

Came to the hospital, my toddy cat used the head.
As soon as it was done the place smelled like something dead
Can I get a coffee maker to the orderly I said
I can get you what you need, but keep the civet off the bed
Dump a load for coffee
Dump a load for tea
Dump a load of kopi luuuuuuwaaaaaak
And (and and) Dump the load (dump the load)
In front of me

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 02 Jul 01 - 08:37 AM

Áine sez: "So, if you have any more civet sonnets up your slick sleeves, then please enter them post haste."

Well, if you insist. Songs have been crying out to me to be parodied for this CHALLENGE!, like kittens mewing for their mother's milk. ...and you should never ignore the Mews (I mean, Muse).


DOES THE COFFEE GAIN ITS FLAVOR IN THE CIVET OVERNIGHT?
(Tune: "Does the Spearmint Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?")

Oh me, oh my, oh poo. Did I drink civet doo?
I'll say tó ya, the taste sure is peculiah
It's cost me lots of dough
I'd give my arse to know
If someone washed the beans off. Tell me yes; please say it's so!

Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?
If you drink it in the morning, will it have a certain bite?
Can't you see it's going through him? Won't somebody say I'm right?
Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?

The Starbucks shops, as one, had spent a lot of mon'
To find soused-up critters and their sh*thouse
They saw where civets "went"; they said that they'd been sent
To save the buried beans when civets were incontinent

Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?
If you pull it out his hinder, will he snap at you and bite?
If it tastes like kudu droppings, will you spit and watch its flight?
Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?

Here come the beans, they're dried and roasted (never fried)
But they oughtter have been rinsed in water
These beans, when brewed, may bring diseases that can spring
Up in your guts and set you on your "throne" just like a king

Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?
Would you dig for beans in Áine's backyard when she is not in sight?
Put your civet on a gold commode; you'll find rich beans, all right!
Does the coffee gain its flavor in the civet overnight?


And last, but hopefully not least...


E-MAIL FROM STARBUCKS
(TUNE: "Letter from LBJ: Lyndon Johnson Told the Nation" by Tom Paxton)

I got an e-mail from Starbucks, say-
-ing, "This is your unlucky day.
It's time to put you hip-high waders on.
Though it may seem very mean,
We've got to pick the coffee bean
So we are sending you to Viet Nam."

Starbucks bigwigs told the nation:
"Have some 'joe', a new creation
For our patrons who are hard to please.
Though it really comes from poop,
We're sending employees to scoop
It up and take it all from the Viet Namese."

I jumped off the big cruise ship
And sank in crud up to my hips!
I cussed the toddy cats and dug right down.
Never mind how hard we're weeping;
Think of all the grounds we're reaping.
Just don't take one step into the town!

Ev'ry night the local gentry
Walk right past us; they're unfriendly.
They don't shoot the sh*t; that's not "P.C."
But the thoughts that always calm us
Are "At least they don't still bomb us"
And "Just think how filthy rich we'll be."

We go home, and there a coffer
Of rewards does Starbucks offer
But we ask for other work in vain
For the odor lingers on
Our bodies; lawsuits fought and won
Have paid us for our suff'ring and our pain.

Here I sit at home so sadly,
Gave up coffee-drinking gladly
And I know that Starbucks hates me, too.
Yet the memory's so tender
Of the days when I would render
Civet crap.... and I still smell like doo!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 02 Jul 01 - 08:55 AM

ONCE AGAIN, I have to correct myself (dang!) (stupid, illegible rough copies... can't read my own scribblin'). Sorry, everyone.

Line 11 of "Does the Coffee Gain..." should read:
To find lit, soused critters and their sh*thouse

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 02 Jul 01 - 11:26 AM

Sharon, Brilliant choice of songs to parody, brilliant execution. I listen to Tom Paxton in my car and you really nailed the Lyndon Johnson thing.

Aine

Brilliant choice of topic a motherlode of humour. I hereby nominate the Palm Civet to join the kiwi, moose and platypus as one of the funniest creatures on earth.

More Civet info

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Áine
Date: 02 Jul 01 - 03:44 PM

HOO-HAW!!!! This was one FANTASTIC Challenge! You all have outdone yourselves, especially all you newcomers -- Mmmmm, all you 'old timers' had better keep your wits sharp and your pencils licked, 'cuz these newbies are sumpin' else . . . Cudos, congrats and grateful thanks to my darlin' Challenge!rs, and here are your awards -- you made it too easy on me this time, you know, all 22 songs won the same thing:

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Achin' Bum by SharonA
Advice to the Starbucks' Trainee by El El Beano (aka RobDale)
Advice to the Starbucks' Trainee Version II by El El Beano (aka RobDale)
Cat Scat (Mr. Paganini) by JenEllen
The Civet's Lament by Bradypus
Civet Poo Coffee (Flying Fish Sailor) by JenEllen
Coffee Beans! by Trapper
Come Ode to Starbucks by JenEllen
Diggin' Up Beans by SharonA
Does the Coffee Gain Its Flavor in the Civet Overnight? by SharonA
E-Mail from Starbucks by SharonA
The Final Word by RobDale
Good to the Last Bite by Don Henderson
Gullibility Blues by RobDale
If Luwak Fo'Me by Amos
In Line For Civet Poo by Don Henderson
Labor Hymn of the Palm Civet by Mmario
Metaphysical Civet Cat by RobDale
Shitting Coffee Beans by Dharmabum
Stick to the Jameson's, Mary Mo Chroí by derrymacash
The Wait by the Band(ed Civet) by RobDale
You've Got A Blend by SharonA

Challenge! 58 is comin' up quick and slick, so charge up those little grey cells . . . Again, well done everyone.

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: mousethief
Date: 07 Jul 01 - 12:20 PM

Sorry I'm late, I was on holiday at the ocean. Lovely time, thanks for asking.

The Beans Come Back
Tune: The Cat Came Back

Old Vietnam sells a coffee all its own
It has a special taste, like none I've ever known
They tried and they tried to keep civet cats away
But the civets come and eat their coffee cherries all the day

But the beans come back the very next day
The beans come back, in a pile of kitty guano
Yeah the beans come back, and they're worth much more that way.

Many years ago in the land of Vietnam
A coffee farmer found that all his coffee beans were gone
But there beneath the tree was a pile of civet poo
Chock full o' next month's revenue -- tell me, what would YOU do?

Yeah the beans came back the very next day
The beans came back, he didn't stop to ponder
That the beans came back -- he sold them anyway.

He gave them to a man who had "Starbucks" on his hat
He said, "now these aren't beans, are they, a civet cat has shat?"
The farmer hemmed and hawwed, but he was an honest man.
"Yes," he said, and the buyer put more money in his hand

Because the beans came back the very next day
The beans came back, and it kinda makes you wonder
Yes the beans came back, with an exquisite taste they say

Then the geniuses at Starbucks roasted up these special beans
The ones that had been processed by a civet's in-betweens
They call it Kopi Luwak and it's quite the biggest hit
The people stand and drink it and say, "What is this shit?"

Because the beans come back the very next day
The beans come back like the revenge of Montezuma
Yeah the beans come back. Will you drink them? I say NAY!

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

'lane' to 'land' fixed by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: mousethief
Date: 07 Jul 01 - 12:23 PM

Sorry; "land" of Vietnam. Oy. A week without computers and I've forgotten how to smell. I mean spell.

alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: mousethief
Date: 07 Jul 01 - 12:45 PM

Hand me down that bag o' beans
Tune: Hand Me Down that Can O' Beans

Hand me down that bag o' beans (3x)
I'm throwin' it away
Out the winder go the beans (3x)
They smell like shit, I say

Harry, you dumb canary,
Cats eat the cherry
And then they poop the beans out
Very extraordinary,
It costs three hundred bucks a pound!

Hand me down that bag o' beans (3x)
I'll feed 'em to the cat
In the kitty go the beans (3x)
Then wait until it's shat

Harry, our kitty's derri-
erre isn't very
much like a civet's pooper
Harry, I'm very wary
Of this strange gift your mother sent

Mary, it's kinda scary
If dysentery
Should strike them foreign civets
Mary, your darling Harry
Would just prefer a cup of tea....

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: Áine
Date: 07 Jul 01 - 08:44 PM

Hey mousethief, those are two great songs! It's NEVER too late to enter a song in the Challenge!, so if an idea strikes you for Part 12 or 112 (when we get there), just note it down and 'sock it to us, baby!' ;-)

Both your belated but bewondermous(e) songs are hereby bestowed with the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest. Congrats, cudos and thanks for the music . . . now get on over to Song Challenge! - Part 59 --- or are you chicken???

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 08:55 PM

Refresh - but that's just not the right word is it....

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: MMario
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 09:10 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 57
From: MMario
Date: 19 May 05 - 11:37 AM

refresh