Song Challenge! - Part 64

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 11:14 AM

Here we go again, dear Challenge!rs -- In celebration (not!) of yet another bloody slab leak under my new house (ah, the fond memories of jackhammers come flooding back to me . . .), I've picked a story about love, relationships, money, law enforcement, and toilets. So, roll up your pant legs, sharpen your crayons, and unwind the TP to write your best song about --

The Love That Bites The Big One: Police in North Platte, Nebraska, have a case with bite. They were called to the home of a 55-year-old woman who dropped her false teeth in the toilet, after she had been partying and drinking with her boyfriend.

The toilet backed up and the boyfriend called a plumber. The plumber charged $50 to retrieve the dentures, which the boyfriend paid. But the boyfriend refused to give the teeth to woman until he was paid back.

That's where the cops come in. The woman called police, saying she didn't have the money and couldn't eat without her teeth. Police say they sat the two down and had the pair work out deal. She signed an IOU and he gave back the choppers.

Dive In, Challenge!rs

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Charley Noble
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 11:46 AM

Feel free to re-cycle my old song title "Justice en Lieu" which has to do with a judge who locked himself in a courthouse toilet after his staff had left and did not win release until the next morning. I can hardly wait for the submissions.;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 07:11 PM

Geez, and I thought the Double Dip Dare was too hard for you all -- tsk, tsk, tsk, my darlin' Challenge!rs . . . ;-) It's been 8 hours now since I posted this Challenge!, and no takers? Where is everyone? Did you all lose your crayons down the john?

-- Áine

Subject: Lyr.Add.:Justice en Lieu
From: Charley Noble
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 07:42 PM

While we're waiting at our seat of ease:

JUSTICE EN LIEU
(Words by Charlie Ipcar © 1993 Inspired by an Associated Press story – 9/9/93 Tune 19th Century Irish Music Hall: "I Wish They'd Do It Now" Key: D (2/C))

C-----G—C----------------G-C-----------G—C---------F---C
There are trials and trib-u-la-tions as in life we make our way,
----F------------------C------------------D-----------------G
Of-ten there's lit-tle jus-tice, you can hear the peo-ple say;
-------------------C-------------G---C-G—C--------------F------C
Now comes the Ci-ty of Ma-chi-as, on Maine's rock-bound shore,
----F-------------C-------------G-----C--------G7---C
Jus-tice was all con-found-ed at the Court-house bath-room door.

'Twas in the year of '93, September the eighth day,
Judge Marsano left his chambers, or so the papers say;
He entered his private bathroom, his duty to pursue,
How could he have imagined – fourteen hours en lieu?

When he tried to leave the bathroom, he found it was no go;
The lock had jammed, his staff had left, no one could hear his woe;
So this Justice was confounded – his story will endure –
By the push-button locking system on the Courthouse bathroom door.

C--G7-C
On the Courthouse bathroom door,
---G7-C------------------G
On the Courthouse bathroom door,
-----------C-------------F--C
By the push-button locking sy-stem
------G-----C---------G7---C
On the Court-house bath-room door.


First he tried to force the lock, but 'twas to no avail,
If he'd only had a bucket, he might have gotten out on bail;
Next he removed the hinge pins, but that door refused to budge,
There seemed to be no earthly way to win early release for the Judge.

If he'd only brought some lawbooks, he might have shown more zeal,
He could have drafted a petition and gotten out on appeal;
But this Justice was confounded – his story will endure –
By the push-button locking system on the Courthouse bathroom door.

On the Courthouse bathroom door,
On the Courthouse bathroom door,
By the push-button locking system
On the Courthouse bathroom door.

So early the next morning, his staff was surprised to hear
Such unruly banging and shouting from the bathroom in the rear;
They smashed the lock to free the Judge, and the super did allow:
"It wasn't funny at the time but it sure is funny now!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 11:22 PM

That's a fine song, Charley!! Even though it doesn't qualify for a Challenge! song, I would be more than honoured to put it in the Mudcat Songbook. What do you say?

-- Áine (the Keeper of the Book)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 11:34 PM

If you all aren't inspired by Charley's fine song, you're all nuts! So, if you're all that crazy ;-), I guess I'll have to start the Challenge! entries off with a little ditty I wrote up before supper tonight . . .

The Case of the Purloined Chops
(Tune: Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz)

Officer, won't you make Tom give my teeth back to me?
I dropped 'em down the toilet when I sat down to pee,
Knew there'd be trouble as they tinkled through the PVC,
Officer, won't you make Tom give my teeth back to me?

I called up Roto-Rooter to bring up my chops,
Never thought it'd be a matter for calling the cops,
But there's no money in my pocketbook, from bottom to top,
So I yelled up to Tom to tell Mr. Rooter to stop.

'Big Mama, don't you worry, 'cuz I'll pay the bill.'
His sweet offer went through me like a cheap sloe gin thrill!
Ol' Tom ain't spent a dime since the feds found his still,
And he came to live with me instead of up on the hill.

But then as the plumber pulled away from the house,
My lover, he turned into some kind of a louse,
In his eyes was a fire that only money could douse,
And he smiled like a fox caught in the henhouse.

(He said) 'That's 25 for telling the feds 'bout my stash,'
'25 more for laughing when they poured out my mash,'
'So it's time to call a friend and come up with the cash,'
'Or I'll stomp your chomps and throw 'em outside in the trash!'

He was lucky the phone was closer to me than my gun,
With a tear and with fear, I went and dialed 9-1-1,
I blubbered like a baby 'bout the wrong he had done,
Though I knew forevermore I'd be an object of fun.

But, Officer, you came and you answered my plea,
With a talkin' to and an I.O.U., we settled the fee,
Tom's gone now - thank the Lord and Greyhound I'm free,
And if he comes back, he'll get more than '50' from me!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 01 - 11:51 PM

Maybelle's Snowy Dentures
(Tune: Maxwell's Silver Hammer)

Widow May Veraggio,
Squandering insurance dough,
Parties late at night!
In her double-wide she kicks up her heels, ee-ee-eels
Fifths of rye and gin
With her newest lover Slim,
Down the hatch  they dispatch that booze with zeal, ee-ee-eel

    But as the booze it gets to her head
    She feels an urgent need
    Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures came flying from her face!
    Clang Clang! Maybelle's dentures landed in such an awful place!

Maybelle starts to  groan
As she kneels before the throne,
Feeling awfully low!
Dinner and cheap Bordeaux make their call, oh, oh-oh-oh!
Fears she'll bother Slim
And he'll decide she's not for him!
So she pulls the chain
She'll pretend it was just a powder call, wo-wo-wo!

    But as the mess begins to go down
    There comes a gruesome sound!
    Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures get lodged inside the trap!
    Clang clang! Soon the bathroom's filling with half digested pap.

Maybelle rolls her eyes, now her fate she can't disguise,
Slim picks up the phone,
Asks the plumber "Come to Maybelle's home, o-o-ome".
In comes Plumber Tim, this is awful nice of him, and he does the trick
Soon the drain unsticks, and the blockage gone, ah-ah-awn.

    But Maybelle finds her purse has run dry -
    Her cash all spent on booze!!
    Clang, Clang! Maybelle's plumber puts the bite on Mister Slim!!
    Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures ---  now belong to him!!

Slim is  pretty sore, thinks of heading out the door,
What a lousy night!
All he got for his time is a second-hand bite, i-yi-yite!
Maybelle's feeling low, seeing Slim prepare to go, no-one's getting laid!
As he tells her thanks for the party, woooh, o-o-ohh

    But as he's getting ready to go, she asks him for her teeth!
    Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures, into his pocket go!
    Clang clang! He says Maybelle's dentures are being held for dough!!

Maybelle's getting red, calls the local Sherrif Jed,
Tells him Slim is inflicting grievous harm, ar-ar-arm
Jed comes right around with an awful sireen sound,
Says "You two must find some common ground!  Ow-ow-ound!"

    So Maybelle signs a note for the teeth
    And Slim hopes there'll be more...
    Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures are back inside her face!
    Clang, clang! And she's locking the door in old Slim's face!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:39 AM

Embraceable You
George and Ira Gershwin October, 1930
Ruined by a fan, August 2001

Verse 1

55 year old woman:

Dozens of beers would drink up;
I had to lock my bathroom door.
Somehow I had to throw up
a bit before.
What was it that caused me?
To barf my teeth in the latreen?
My loose gums told me
help is needed on the scene.
Lady, listen to the gurgle of my
Plumbing,
But why were you so mean.

Refrain 1:

Please help me ,
Oh loan me money please do
My dentures ,
Have been flushed down the lou
Iwas drinkin and got tipsy and sick
You and your plumber
Can get my teeth back real quick
I love all
The sexy buns about you
Above all,
I want my gums about you
Don't be a chincy boyfriend
Call a plumber - call a plumber - do!
I lost my teeth down the loo.

Verse 2

Boy friend

I've loaned you lots of money
And never got it back
And now it is so funny
that your jaw is slack
My nose I will be holding
As we retrieve your teeth
My kisses I'm withholding
I'm starting to believe
I'm afraid you'll have to pay me back
because
No mouthwash will relieve
Refrain 2

Don't Kiss me,
You unkissable you
Don't Kiss me,
you quite dismissable you.
In your mouth I find a smell so unpalateable,
A stink so bad it drive me out of my skull
I'm afraid that you've got your mouth full
Of waste
And I must say I don't
Want to taste
You say kiss me I won't
Don't be a crazy woman
Pay me money pay me money do!
You had your teeth in the loo.

Encore refrain

Woman

Some boyfriend, I can't show my face around you
Oh boyfriend, what am I gonna do
I can't afford to pay you, So I'm gonna go
Cal the police cause I ain't got the dough

Cop: I don't like
to get in domestic disputes.
But give he a chance to clean every tooth
Soak them in cheap tequila.
Kill the germs makem tasty too
Thats what you people should do

So now they're
back together again
And I'm finished
With this silly refrain
When I ridicule the classics
I hope you Gerswin's don't mind
That I chose your music this time
When I Act so deliriously,
Then who, sir,
Could take me seriously?
There's no one I'm more fond of,
But I had to make you Gerwhwin's spin, you
are so rotatable, too.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:10 AM

Well, the latest contributors should feel flushed with success. I am awed at their skill and perhaps their efforts will succeed in unleashing the floodgates of even more creativity.

Sure, Áine, I would be honored to have "Justice en Lieu" placed in the Mudcat Songbook. I do assure any skeptics that the events dramatized in my song were reported in our statewide newspapers, and I understand that the song itself was sung at a subsequent meeting of the Maine Bar Association by a friend of mine.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:52 AM

To the tune of "Three Old Ladies Locked In The Lavatory".

CHORUS
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
My girlfriend's false teeth are blocking the lavatory
They've been wedged since midnight on Saturday
We knew only too well where they were

At nine in the evening we started to boozing
There was plenty of choice and plenty of choosing
Our grip on reality we started losing
The night was becoming a blur

CHORUS

At ten by the clock she was feeling quite hammered
Becoming a mess, she stumbled and stammered
Of myself increasingly growing enamoured
But her courtship was lacking in flair

CHORUS

Eleven o'clock found her totally scuttered
She snorted and grunted, staggered and stuttered
The sort of a woman you'd find in the gutter
And of whom you'd incline to beware

CHORUS

At midnight my floozie was green round the gills
Her marathon gargling had rendered her ill
She made for the toilet, it was no time until
I heard her retching in there

CHORUS

When she emerged, looking pale, drawn and sweaty
I slurred from my seat, "What's up with you, Betty?
Facially you are looking less pretty.
What's been happening in there?"

CHORUS

She opened her mouth and I fathomed the reason
For the change in her looks, which was very displeasing
Her cheeks had collapsed, for she had no false teeth in
Her gums were all barren and bare

CHORUS

Her dentures dislodged with the force of her spew
And now they were wedged firmly stuck in the loo
We both tried to free them but nothing would do
The plumber was called in despair

CHORUS

On hands and on knees he delved and he hoaked
Through a mound of sick and a gallon of boke
But the bill he presented, I thought it a joke
I suggested the price was unfair

CHORUS

"Unfair?" said the plumber "I've earned every buck.
Without my assistance you'd now be well stuck.
Just pay me the reckoning and off I will go
Sort out the owings with her"

CHORUS ad nauseam (literrally)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: MMario
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:36 AM

Well done Derrymacash! (even if you did use the idea I wanted - dang, now I actually have to think up a tune to do a ditty to...)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:45 AM

Sorry! It was just so obviously the tune to use! I reckoned I had to be quick ...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:51 AM

Very tastefully rendered, Derrymacash.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: MMario
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 09:55 AM

hey, no problem - to the speedy go the good tunes and the silver B.L.O.B.'s...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 01:41 PM

Fantastic Songs, Challenge!rs!!

I'm on my way out the door to see the sawbones, so, I'll be awarding your Silver B.L.O.B.s when I get back.

Keep 'Em Coming, Y'all!

-- Áine

(P.S. derrymacash, a chara chóir, tá sé go hiontach tusa a fheiceáil arís anseo, leoga!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 03:59 PM

PLUMBER'S LITTLE HELPER TROLLING THRONES

What a drag it is getting old "Teeth taste different today,"
Is what I hear her say
Mother needs something to keep her dentures on
And when she got rather ill
Her dentures took a spill

She goes running in a swelter
For a plumber's little helper
And she tries to get her teeth
But they won't taste too sweet
"Food tastes different today,"
Is what I hear her say
Eating fresh food without dentures is a drag
So she buys a Slimfast shake
And puree's her frozen steak

And goes running in a swelter
For a plumber's little helper
And she's plunging it inside
But the teeth won't start to rise

Plumber, Hello
Don't want Jello
Inside the John
My teeth are gone
What a drag it is getting old

"Men just aren't the same today
Is what I hear her say
They just won't loan you money in a pinch
Now he's keeping all my teeth
And he won't give an inch

And goes running in a swelter
For a plumber's little helper
And with no teeth tonight
There's gonna be a fight

Plumber please
I'm on my knees
What can I do
They're in the loo
What a drag it is getting old

"Toilet's way too clogged today,"
Is what I hear her say
A pro is what we need to get them out
So a plumber did his job
And she popped 'em her gob

No more running in a swelter
To her plumber's little helper
He just helped her get 'em out
And she put 'em in her mouth!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Trapper
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 04:04 PM

I started working on an ORIGINAL! country song called:

I DROPPED MY NORTH PLATE IN NORTH PLATTE (But I had the Wisdom Toothe-ink of Dropping You)

but I'm at work and having trouble imagining the melody right now.... This will have to suffice for the moment...

- Al

THIRTY-SECOND RADIO AD FOR POLY-GRIP
Tune: Humoresque
New Words by Al Boyce 8/13/2001

Molly sneezed and dropped her choppers
Sad to say the toilet top was
Open and her teeth went
In the Loo

The toilet flushed and stole her molars
Called the plumber and he told her
Fifty bucks will get them
Back for you

Molly wanted her bicuspids
Paid the price that had been thus bid
Borrowing the money
From her beau

He said, "I'll hold your incisors
As collateral, it's wiser
To prevent debt long-in-tooth
To grow

Molly fought him for her canines
Finally called the 9-1-1 line
Cop showed up and met them
At the door

Molly gave her guy debentures
Then he gave back Molly's dentures
Next time she'll use Poly-Grip
For Sure

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Amos
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 05:42 PM

LOL!!! That is a bloody CLASSIC!! Trapper, you got the Golden Vision!!! Not to mention Sailor Jack, Derry, and the one and only TGG Her Own Revered Self!!! This is a Gathering of the Gold indeed. I am cracking up over the rhyme of sentures with debentures!! Unthinkably good!!

Love youse guys,

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: mousethief
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 06:15 PM

Nicely done, everybody! I'll be posting in soon with my own 2 bits' worth.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 08:03 PM

Alrightey, The GG's in de house! . . . with her pocketbook a little lighter; but, a clean bill of health from Mr. Sawbones (well, that's after the lab test comes back - hahahaha) . . .

I agree with my dear Amos, this Challenge! (after a slow start there, y'all) is turning out to be one of the Classics. I think we should all now turn and bow towards Charley Noble's direction (and since we don't know where Charley lives, I guess that leaves y'all four choices) for starting this Challenge! off in such a grand style. And don't worry, Charley, I'll be posting your wunnerful and fine, fine song to the Mudcat Songbook after I hand out these here Silver B.L.O.B.s:

A Double Silver B.L.O.B. to Amos for these gut bustin' bits o' bull:

Maybelle's getting red, calls the local Sherrif Jed,
Tells him Slim is inflicting grievous harm, ar-ar-arm
Jed comes right around with an awful sireen sound,
Says "You two must find some common ground! Ow-ow-ound!"

So Maybelle signs a note for the teeth
And Slim hopes there'll be more...
Clang clang! Maybelle's snowy dentures are back inside her face!
Clang, clang! And she's locking the door in old Slim's face!


To Jack the Sailor for his 'wondrous' verse d'homage:

So now they're
back together again
And I'm finished
With this silly refrain
When I ridicule the classics
I hope you Gerswin's don't mind
That I chose your music this time
When I Act so deliriously,
Then who, sir,
Could take me seriously?
There's no one I'm more fond of,
But I had to make you Gerwhwin's spin, you
are so rotatable, too.

AND for his delicious, melancholic yet psychedelically suggestive:

Plumber please
I'm on my knees
What can I do
They're in the loo
What a drag it is getting old


To mo chara chóir, derrymacash, a Double Silver B.L.O.B. for his verse AND chorus:

When she emerged, looking pale, drawn and sweaty
I slurred from my seat, "What's up with you, Betty?
Facially you are looking less pretty.
What's been happening in there?"

CHORUS:
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
My girlfriend's false teeth are blocking the lavatory
They've been wedged since midnight on Saturday
We knew only too well where they were


And another Double Silver B.L.O.B. is given to dear Trapper for these two fantastically rhymed verses (which I found strangely reminiscent of the Little Willie Poems by Harry Graham which I used to read as a small child . . . oh, that explains everything, doesn't it?!?:

Molly wanted her bicuspids
Paid the price that had been thus bid
Borrowing the money
From her beau

Molly gave her guy debentures
Then he gave back Molly's dentures
Next time she'll use Poly-Grip
For Sure


Keep 'Em Coming, Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Amos
Date: 13 Aug 01 - 11:18 PM

DOUBLE Silver BLOB? WOWW!!! And here I dropped out at least three phrases!!

Well, i'm danged!! Praise be to thee oh GG!!! Mint Julep be thy name!!!

So...um...what's a DOUBLE Silver Blob mean?

Much love,

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 12:28 AM

Aw heck, Amos . . . ask mousethief, I think he's probably got it figured out by now . . . ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 01:04 PM

Debentures.... Dentures WITOT (Wish I'd Thought Of That)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 05:20 PM

Hmmm... I've been so busy posting songs to past SONG CHALLENGE!s that I failed to see the present one this morning, when I logged on. Oh, well, back to the garret...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: mousethief
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 06:10 PM

Redeem My Teeth
Tune: Brand New Key

I dropped my dentures down the john Friday night
The plumber fished them back out; that's all right
But then it seemed I lacked the cash to pay
My boyfriend could, but would not, so I say-ay:

(chorus>
I've got a boyfriend who's a cheapskate
He won't redeem my teeth
He wanted me to sign an I.O.U.
He must think I'm a thief!
Ain't been lookin' around a lot,
Because I thought he was neat,
But I've got a boyfriend who's a cheapskate
He won't redeem my teeth

I'm so embarrassed; the cops had to come
They must all think that I'm pretty dumb
I had to sign that stinkin' I.O.U.
Just to get back what I lost in the loo

(repeat chorus)

This is the boyfriend I let drive my car
He shares my bed, guess we go pretty far
It almost seems he thinks he's too good for me
I'm okay alone; friends like him I don't need

(repeat chorus & fade!)

Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 14 Aug 01 - 06:40 PM

Hey mousethief! That's a goodun! Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for:

I've got a boyfriend who's a cheapskate
He won't redeem my teeth
He wanted me to sign an I.O.U.
He must think I'm a thief!
Ain't been lookin' around a lot,
Because I thought he was neat,
But I've got a boyfriend who's a cheapskate
He won't redeem my teeth

Only one problem, now I can't get this frickin' tune out of my head . . . ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Charley Noble
Date: 15 Aug 01 - 11:30 AM

And the beat goes on. You know there's many a man who's flipped his lids down various plumbing apparatus. I remember waking up late one night to a family commotion down below, a gathering around the sink listening to my brother explain how in trying to save time he had rinsed his contact lenses down the plug hole. Fortunately, father, who was not always the most helpful person in situations like this, skillfully attacked the watertrap and successfully retrieved the lenses. No doubt he would of had similar success with Floozianna's toilet.

I may yet submit my ultimate shanty if further provoked; I'm torn between "Flozianna" and "Rise Again."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 15 Aug 01 - 02:49 PM

I've got at least 3 songs I'm torn between. Which one to do first??? Parody overload!! Help!!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: MMario
Date: 15 Aug 01 - 03:11 PM

DON'T FLUSH!
(tune: All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth)

Please don't flush the toilet 'cuz I dropped my teeth!
I've dropped my teeth!
I've dropped my teeth!
Gee, if you retrieve them, then I'll have relief
And you can flush it all you want to!

It seems forever since I bent to heave;
A-puking and a-gagging, down the john
I meant to toss my cookies not my upper plate
Surely with my problem here, you can relate!

Please don't flush the toilet 'cuz I dropped my teeth!
I've dropped my teeth!
I've dropped my teeth!
Gee, if you retrieve them, then I'll have relief
And you can flush it all you want to!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 15 Aug 01 - 04:24 PM

Good one MMario.

It's given me an idea for a parody of the No Doubt Song "Don't speak"

Don't flush

You and me
We used to barf together
Every day together always

I really feel
that when I lost my denture
I now believe
It ended the adventure

It looks as though you're gonna throw
And if it's puke,
Well I don't want to know

Don't Flush
I know just what you're thinking
This john is really stinking
Don't smell me cause it reeks
Don't Flush
I know that you're thinking
I don't need your gas mask
Don't smell me cause it reeks

My Credit card
Is already maxed out
So please loan me some mulah
to help me get my teeth out

Pass the lye, both you and I
Are scrubbing on my chompers
Its sh*t but I try

CHORUS

The police
Are coming so please release my teeth...

Any way
I kicked you from my trailor.. just today

CHORUS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 09:28 AM

HANDY
(Tune: "Brandy" by Looking Glass)

(doo-doo de doo-doo), (de doo-doo de doo-doo)

There's a pot where the keesters stay
And put turds, a hundred sh*ts a day.
Lady's suitors pass their slime away
And gawk at "Better Homes".

This old girl's in a party gown
And she flushed both her dentures down.
Called a handyman to come around.
He heard her whimper and whine:

"Oh, plumber, you're handy.
Could you find, sir, (could you fiiiind, sir)
Where my good teeth they could be?" (could you fiiiind, sir)
Yeah, he tried to deal her dentures
For a fee.

(doo-doo de doo-doo), (de doo-doo de doo-doo dee)
Hand he put right down the drain
To the teeth that stuck there when she's pulled the chain.
Her pocket had not the gain
That the man demanded of

The dame. "What a bummer! Pray,
Where's a gift of cash to pay?"
This she said unclearly (couldn't say
No proper words with gums).

The plumber's so handy,
He could find pearls (he could fiiiind pearls)
Where a good ripe sh*t would be. (he could fiiiind pearls)
But his livelihood came from ladies
Such as she.

(doo-doo de doo-doo), (de doo-doo de doo-doo)

He planned; he'd use the wad for buys
When he sold this sale so gory.
He could feel the old sh*t in incis-ors,
Heard her great sob-story.
But he had always sold the tooth
When it flushed down johns and jammed,
And, man, she'd flushed the best teeth in the land.

(doo-doo de doo-doo), (de doo-doo de doo-doo doo)
The right boyfriend came around,
Handed bucks to the sly old scound-
-rel. Does he let her have her brown
Teeth? Does he cheer her? Nay!

The boyfriend said, "Hand me
What is mine, girl. (what is miiiine, girl)
For your good teeth, pay a fee (what is miiiine, girl)
Or your mouth is gummy. So hate me.
They're not free!"

(doo-doo de doo-doo), (de doo-doo de doo-doo doo)

"Hand me
What is mine, girl. (what is miiiine, girl)
For your good teeth, pay a fee (what is miiiine, girl)
Or your mouth is gummy. So hate me.
They're not free!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 02:10 PM

*refresh*

Anybody remember THIS thread? (y'know, the CURRENT Challenge!...?)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 09:41 AM

...Hmmm... I guess not.

I'm sorry if all the "catching-up" that some of us newer 'Catters have been doing with past SONG CHALLENGE!s has dampened anyone's enthusiasm for the current CHALLENGE!, and I hope that the veteran Challenge!rs will forgive us newercomers our impetuousness!

In response to Áine's request (in SONG CHALLENGE! - parts 8 and 31, dated 18-Aug-01) that we in the "Catch-up Club" slow down our rate of posting new songs to past Challenge!s — AND in the interest of preserving Áine's sanity — I have decided to post no more than one past-Challenge! submission per day, or seven in one week. (So what if it takes me another month-and-a-half to catch up? I ain't in no race!!!) I hope that other Challenge!rs will also honor Áine's request.

Remember, Áine's the one who has to read EACH of these songs, figure out which award to grant it, and add it to the "SONG CHALLENGE! Winners" page... in addition to inventing and reviewing NEW Challenge!s... in addition to having a real-time life. I for one would not like to be responsible for burning her out to the point where she throws up her hands and runs away from the SONG CHALLENGE!, screaming, and never returns.

Please, let's keep our Green Goddess happy... even if it means offering the "sacrifice" of posting our past-CHALLENGE! entries at a more moderate pace!! I thank you, and I'm sure Áine will thank you.

SharonA

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: mousethief
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 11:48 AM

Green Goddess is a salad dressing. Aine is the Gaelic Goddess.

:-)

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:05 PM

Oh. Sorry; I thought I'd seen her referred to as both Green and Gaelic (but not as a salad dressing). Guess I'm getting my deities mixed up (which would make the salad dressing a "diet tease").

Attention "Catch-up" Challenge!rs: please read Áine's post to the "SONG CHALLENGE! - part 3" thread, dated 21-Aug 01 10:52 am (Eastern Daylight Time). Basically, she says to keep writing past CHALLENGE! songs and to post them "if you really want to" [I think that means: at our own pace], and she asks us to understand that it may take a while for her to enter the songs on the Songbook pages. She also promises not to run away screaming from the Songbook! *whew, glad to hear that!*

I still intend to pace myself at one past-CHALLENGE! song per day, or seven per week (or less), for Áine's sake and for the sake of the Forum audience (don't want them to get tired of me!). So be sure to tune in tomorrow for yet another new entry to a past SONG CHALLENGE!

Sharon

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:14 PM

P.S. – See Amos's post to SONG CHALLENGE! - part 9, 21-Feb-00, 6:30 PM. Neener-neener-neener!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Áine
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 12:11 PM

Here ya go, Challenge!rs -- Better late than never, right? ;-) These were some great songs for a very silly idea -- Well Done, One and All! Cudos and congrats to all, and enjoy your new mantel decorations . . . ;-)

-- Áine

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

Don't Flush by Jack the Sailor
Don't Flush! by Mmario

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

Embraceable You by Jack the Sailor
Handy by SharonA
Redeem My Teeth by mousethief

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

Betty's Locked in the Loo by derrymacash

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Maybelle's Snowy Dentures by Amos
Plumber's Little Helper by The Trolling Thrones (a/k/a Jack the Sailor)
Thirty-Second Radio Ad for Poly-Grip by Trapper

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 04:38 PM

Thank you!!

Welcome back!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 64
From: SharonA
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 05:06 PM

Thank you, Áine! A 'Harp Ribbon' – yay!!! I've just GOT to build myself a bigger virtual mantel for all these super-souped-up Cow Chips!