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Farting in Public
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Subject: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Jane L Date: 26 Sep 01 - 09:27 PM Last night while performing at an open mike I was introducing a somber ballad song, and during the intro was treated to this horrible sound (fart) emitting from an emarrassed audience member (it was obviously not done on purpose). Needless to say it cracked everyone up and I did a rousing song instead. Anyone ever have any weird stuff like this happen to them? Jane |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: rangeroger Date: 26 Sep 01 - 09:37 PM Sounds like a case of quantum cloud entanglement. rr |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: catspaw49 Date: 26 Sep 01 - 09:37 PM BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMPPP.....aaahhhhhhhhh......good one........ Now........What's the problem again? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Steve in Idaho Date: 26 Sep 01 - 09:51 PM Like Spaw says - Now what was the problem? ROTFLMAO Peace - Steve |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Donuel Date: 26 Sep 01 - 09:51 PM THE Mother of ALL farts occured in a Circuit City Store in DC. Before Xmas there was a llllooong line of people waiting to pick up their purchased merchandise from the single 'warehouse' clerk. Some how one kid managed to choke the ENTIRE STORE with a fart soo foul so hideous you can not begin to imagine. People walking in the front door with smiles suddenly covered their face and left. Warehouse employees coming in with merchandise could be seen writhing their face as if in a sand storm as soon as they got in range. People who had already paid were determined to stay BUT IT ONLY GOT WORSE>A blind couple sped for the door a bit too fast-wham... The kids who tried to laugh could only cough , wives left their husband to endure while they evacuated. One hysterical guy was yelling my buddy did that, over and over! There were apparently several people who were honestly perplexed with the commotion which could only mean they had no sense of smell. After Xmas the building was merciflly remodeled with tall ceilings. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Clinton Hammond Date: 26 Sep 01 - 10:20 PM Pull my finger... |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia Date: 26 Sep 01 - 11:29 PM Several months ago a bloke here was taken to the local police station for questioning. He convinced the cops he was innocent and as he was leaving he let rip with a robust fart. The witnesses, the agrieved cops who hadn't been able to pin anything on the farter, said the fart was meant to mock them and immediately arrested him for "being obnoxious in a public place", or words to that effect. The poor bloke was chucked in the slammer and, at his first trial, was found guilty and released with a hefty fine. This verdict was overturned on appeal with the judge telling the police to grow up as well as hitting them with the legal costs. The irony is that it all took place in the town of Werribee, where the State's main sewerage farm is, and the aroma is most noticeable when driving through. JG / FME |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: paddymac Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:14 AM Without question the most hilarious work by Mark Twain is a piece called "1601: A Fireside Conversatyion in the Time of the Tudors" (or something close to that - it's been a long time since I read it). The story line is quite simple: a horrendous fart at the table, followed by a round of denials. If you do, or ever did, think a fart can be funny, you might appreciate Twain's artistry. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: DougR Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:19 AM It could have been worse. It could have been accompanied with attendent solid matter I suppose. Then you could have proclaimed to your audience, "Well, it happens." DougR
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:23 AM Reminds me of the ancient joke. Aristocratic lady at table lets rip a loud one, turns round to butler and says "STOP IT, JAMES". Butler says, "Certainly Madam, which way did it go?" Murray |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Genie Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:16 AM The story is told about Queen Victoria, I think. The Queen was showing off her stables and her prize stallions to a visiting dignitary, when one of the horses let a humongous, foul fart. The Queen, being quite dismayed, blurted out to her guest, "Oh, dear sir, I am terribly sorry!" (or words to that effect)--to which the gentleman replied "That's quite all right, Your Highness. Actually, I had thought it was the horse! |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Hamish Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:38 AM I sat next a duchess at tea As emarrassing a time as could be Her rumblings abdominal Were simply phenominal And everyone thought it was me |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:45 AM As I play in a band who are exept me and another all boys... You kind of get used to this behaviour. Trumpet trousers! The best laugh though was in a yoga class I used to go to for years... Yoga relaxes... EVERYTHING! and often in class whilst people were stretching, and holding yogic stances or bringing their legs over their heads etc, then someone would uncontrolable let one out. Much to their embaressment, and used to make me and my friend just crack up totally. Especially when it was one of the more refined looking elderly ladies... Methane yoga! :) |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Linda Kelly Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:03 AM I own a thirteen year old dog with poor digestion -there is nothing that shocks me anymore!!! |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: KingBrilliant Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:13 AM Oh my Lord!!!! I did it only yesterday. Right next to the cereals in Tesco. Luckily there was no-one nearby. The worst farts in the world come from Hamm's backside. She is truly foul - and insists that I should join her in sniffing them in deeply the better to appreciate them. Kris |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:37 AM Re: the Mark Twain 1601 thing try this link If you search form project gutenberg , and then look for "Mark Twain 1601" And it is funny.. Cheers Steven |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: alanww Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:43 AM I remember in the lobby of the changing rooms / toilet block on the camp site at Chippenham FF at about 2 am during the usual singaround [a good place to be as Alan White had fixed up a barrel of real ale!]. Well just as someone was in the fifth verse of a rather boring sad ballad ... a noise was heard. Well, the problem wasn't that it happened but I shook it out of my trousers and I stamped on it to kill it (as you do!) At that point several of us sniggered so much that we had to retreat into one of the changing room and we couldn't stop giggling until after he had finished his song ... "Don't mind the wind ...!" |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: IanC Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:43 AM Olde Englise Rhyme, learned from my father.
Where e'er ye be, let your win run free ;-) |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Mandolin King Date: 27 Sep 01 - 07:13 AM 2 interesting things in that vein have happened to me while working the 3rd shift at a convenience store. One was a very attractive girl of about 25 who was in shopping and while bending over to get a cold drink from the cooler she let out an amazingly loud and long fart. She was so embarrassed about it but I just let her know it was no big deal and happened al the time in the store (I guess even the "beautiful people" fart too). The other wasn't farting but was also on the 3rd shift in which 3 girls of about 20 or so came in with trench coats on at about 3 AM and proceeded to take them off to reveal that they were totally nude (I think it was a college initiation thing as it's near the college and they stayed for like 5 minutes pretending to shop). Needless to say - I volunteered for night duty for quite some time after that. No other nudies though :( |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:14 AM While searching for a more readable version of 1601, I found it quoted in its entirety by a certain flatulence-obsessed gentleman who calls himself Dr. Salvo. Although Dr. Salvo has some witticisms of his own worth reading, you can skip all that and go directly to Twain's text by searching for the word "Yesternight" -- and the same trick works with the Project Gutenberg text that Steven linked to above. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:27 AM Jewish law apparently prescribes a special prayer to be used if one needs to "break wind or sneeze" while praying: "Master of the Universe, You have created us with many openings and cavities. Our shame and our disgrace are open and known before You; shame and disgrace during our lifetime, worms and insects after death." Details here. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:29 AM As a matter of interest, would the earliest known literary reference to farting be in Chaucer ? I seem to remember one of the Canterbury Tales being particularly bawdy, and containing an account of a lady farting in her blindfolded lovers face. Probably the "Miller's Tale," if memory serves me right. Murray |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:36 AM oh lovely, it's ye olde versione of .... quick burgulars, and being held captive under the duvet... |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: sophocleese Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:37 AM There is a story of farting in One Thousand and One Arabian Nights. Of course I can't remember when that was first published. |
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Subject: Lyr Add: SUMER IS ICUMEN IN From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Sep 01 - 09:41 AM SUMER IS ICUMEN IN (Anonymous Middle English, c. 1260)
Sumer is icumen in,
Awe bleteth after lomb,
Sing cuccu nu, sing cuccu! [Modernized spelling:]
Summer is a-coming in
Ewe bleateth after lamb,
Sing cuckoo now, sing cuckoo! |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Sep 01 - 09:49 AM From "Brief Lives," by John Aubrey:
Edward De Vere: Earl of Oxford |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Donuel Date: 27 Sep 01 - 09:58 AM I think Ben Franklin wrote a classic on this subject. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Scabby Doug at work Date: 27 Sep 01 - 10:02 AM (Slaps own wrist for posting as GUEST)
Re the history of farting: St. Augustine (The City of God, XIV:24) cites the instance of a man who could command his rear trumpet to sound at will, which his learned commentator fortifies with the example of one who could do so in tune! Cheers Steven |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Steve Parkes Date: 27 Sep 01 - 10:31 AM Then Nicolas let flee a fart As round as goeth a thunder-clap The Miller's Tale Funny how some bits stick in you r mind, isn't it? Steve, trying to keep a straight face as I type in the <BR>s |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: mooman Date: 27 Sep 01 - 11:18 AM There are certainly references to farting in Chaucer but one of my favourite passages on the subject is from Francoise Rabelais' "Gargantua and Pantagruel". Certainly one can see from this that Pantagruel could have been a worthy rival to our own dear 'Spaw! Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest eaters do the most martial exploits. There is no shadow like that of flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of armour. At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering like that of goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering like that of ballocks. Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel! When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, ill- favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round. How now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? By God, here be brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will beget fine hornets and dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them pigmies. Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time they are increased mightily. But the cranes make war with them continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their spleen. mooman
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: 53 Date: 27 Sep 01 - 11:52 AM fart or not to fart that is the question. i say if you gotta you gotta, that's how bob dylan wrote the song, blowin in the wind. bob |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Bill D Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:02 PM All Armed Forces Champion |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Steve Parkes Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:07 PM Two distinct jets--I am impressed! steve |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,JohnB Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:23 PM How dare you fart before my wife! Sorry I did not know it was her turn, said the drunk. JohnB |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Biskit Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:24 PM little lady Helen--Ne'er blush my child; thoul't tickle thy tender maidenhedde with many a mousy squeak before thous learnst to blow a hurricane like this!! OH GEEEZ, classic Clemmens! I laughed 'till I cried,..then I laughed some more! ~B~ |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: LR Mole Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:49 PM Pleasantries and transparent excuses: Damn rats. (Glancing upward) Barking spiders. (Glancing down) Floorboards... And wasn't there one where you pretended it was the first note of a song you were singing? |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Mrrzy Date: 27 Sep 01 - 12:57 PM Once in a grocery store, one of my sis-out-laws (with small child in cart) let loose a really foul, but silent, miasma. She was trying to walk out of the cloud when her child piped up (at the top of his lungs, of course) I smell Mommy farts! - and she couldn't even pretend it wasn't her child, poor thing! |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Clinton Hammond Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:00 PM What was the line on Enterprise last night? You can't be afraid of the wind.... |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:16 PM Here is Benjamin Franklin's A Letter to the Royal Academy of Brussels. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Mike Byers Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:16 PM The absolute worst place for mass, uncontrolled public farts is an altitude chamber. Physics dictates that as the chamber is pumped to a lower pressure, internal gases will expand. And expand they do, with great vigor. Fortunately, you are usually wearing an oxygen mask, as the experience otherwise might not be survivable. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Mr Red Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:16 PM Is this a report? bum bum I once sang "Waltzing Matilda" standing on my head The Folk Club (in the UK of course) cracked-up because not only was I singing Oz style while my girlfriend held my ankles but she tried to pour beer down my trouser leg & couples got up and waltzed around the floor. A beer break was called immediately thereafter in deference to any poor sole who tried to follow that. I can't see that FC accepting such antics now - po faced IS the word. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Mrrzy Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:18 PM My father told me that the original definition of a "dweeb" was someone who farted in the bathtub just to watch the bubbles - Can anyone confirm that? |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Steve in Idaho Date: 27 Sep 01 - 01:27 PM I love the long high reedy sounds, I love the quiet ones in an elevator, dogs in their sleep, loud and raucous in private - or not - they all make me laugh!! Anyone who has been with a Rifle Company after a long night on watch - ah the rising of the tunes - it's a stress reliever, a contest, a fitting end (pun intended) to a jovial night of music with friends while standing in the parking lot. Oh to be a kid again and have the freedom to express myself in the office - What a hoot!!! Steve |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: 53 Date: 27 Sep 01 - 02:23 PM that sounds like a dweeb to me. bob |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: GUEST,Fartin Tartan Date: 27 Sep 01 - 02:56 PM I sat with the duchess to tea She enquired "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied "Not a bit - Do you belch when you s**t?" And I felt that was one up to me. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Wyrd Sister Date: 27 Sep 01 - 02:58 PM Jean Genet said something about carrying farts like roses to his nose. But it's 30yrs since I read it so I can't remember exactly. |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Ditchdweller Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:00 PM 1st Verse for Hamish:- At tea with the dutchess McPhee, She said "Sir, do you fart when you pee?" I replied "Not a bit!" "Do you belch when you s***?" "A capital answer!" Said She
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: mooman Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:11 PM As an "amateur" myself (as they say in these parts) of this fair art, I decided to consult one of my favourite sources, the very excellent Sick Notes - An Alphabetical Browsing-Book of Derivations, Abbreviations, Mnemonics and Slang for the Amusement and Edification of Medic, Nurses, Patients and Hypochondriacs by Fritz Spiegl. Not unsurprisingly, it proved once again an invaluable resource. Spiegl cites two important treatises on farting: Thurlow's Essays on Wind of 1825 which describes "five or six species of fart" and a French paper L'art de peter, Essai theori-physique et methodique (sorry can't do the proper acute accents on this keyboard!) published in 1776. More interestingly he also quotes from the Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy of 1993 which is pretty much the standard "bible" to be found on any general practicioner's desk. Surprisingly, this learned tome is remarkably staightforward in its language of classifying "four fart types" as follows:
1) The "slider": (crowded elevator type), which is released slowly and noiselessly, sometimes with devastating effect
2) The open sphincter or "pooh" type: said to be of a higher temperature and more aromatic
3) The staccato or drumbeat type, pleasantly passed in privacy (this is the spurious connection to a music forum!)
4) The "bark" type, characterised by a sharp exclamatory eruption that effectively interrupts (and often concludes) conversation. Aromaticity is not a feature. Speigl goes on at much greater length but I recommend you procure a copy of this excellent book to enjoy both that and its many other gems of information. All of this deliberation let me to further ponder how these four fart types could best be described onomatopoeically. Reading earlier posts in this thread, 'Spaw's "BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMPPP" probably refers to type 4, although my keen ear detects the presence of an "M" which could hint at a touch of moisture, which could point towards type 2. Clearly aromaticity could be an important classification criterion here but we on this forum are sadly not in a position to judge on this (perhaps a task for FSGW attendees?). Since flatulence makes a regular appearance on this site, it would be interesting to get the views of other 'Catters on the onomatopoeic representation of the other fart types so that we may more accurately transcribe them in our future postings. Yours fartfully, mooman |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Liz the Squeak Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:30 PM There is an entertaining little volume entitled 'A History of Farting' (available for perusal in our bathroom), by Dr Benjamin Bart... which has a great deal of information both anecdotal and medical about anal eructations, a most pleasing thing to read whilst engaged upon other 'tasks' in the same room... Did not the Emperor Claudius decree that farting was essential? One of the consuls dropped dead of intestinal troubles because he would not fart in front the Emperor, so Claudius decreed that farting was permissable. And champagne corks are supposed to come out of the bottle with a 'sound like an angel's fart', rather than this vulgar popping sound and spray everywhere... unless of course that is how angels fart.... And I'm surprised no one has formed a blue clicky to the infamous 'cat farts' thread yet..... LTS |
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Subject: RE: Farting in Public From: Fortunato Date: 27 Sep 01 - 03:36 PM "It was only flatulation, I know." |
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